Claiming Our Selves

I Will Not Hate

2011-02-15T18:49:00.001-06:00

I ran across a book the other day written by a Palestinian physician who suffered catastrophic loss in 2009 when two shells from an Israeli tanker exploded in the room next to him, killing three of his daughters and a niece. Even though he is angry, he strives to act as a righteous man, demonstrating that feeling angry is not the same as hate. His book is entitled, I Shall Not Hate.

That moving declaration reminded me of an experience of my own, many years ago. The circumstances were far less horrendous, but the lesson remains the same. “I will not hate.”

While our baby daughter and I were happily bonding, her father was removing himself farther and farther away. He was absent, even when he was home. We did have some happy days, but mostly he withdrew because being a husband and father was just too hard, far more demanding than the fantasy family he had envisioned in his mind. He was not a mean man—immature and self-absorbed and neglectful, but not mean. After several years, knowing my unhappiness, he asked, “Would it be easier if I left?” then admitted that he did not have the ego strength to do that. In the end, I would have to choose.

I agonized whether to go or to stay. I have long since forgotten the title and author of a book I picked up and read during that crazy-making time of decision. The author related her own experience of schizophrenia and treatment for the illness. During her lengthy hospitalization, she developed a strong romantic attachment to another patient, but the relationship ended badly when she was well enough to return home. She became very bitter and angry, blaming everyone for this lost love. I'll never forget the counsel her doctor gave to her, for it guided me through the painful days ahead of me. “You must learn to say goodbye without hating.” I was determined to do that. I. Will. Do. That. Over and over, I pledged to myself, “If I have to say goodbye, I will say it without hating.”

Of course, no marriage succeeds or fails through the actions of only one of the partners, but it was an honorable thing for this man to say to me, “I am sorry. It was my fault.” I respect that. The words are still true that I said to him before I drove away, “Thank you for the good times. Because there were some good times.” I kept the promise I had made to myself: I said goodbye without hating.

Feelings come and go. Anger cools off, disappointment fades, desire burns low—unless we decide to nurture them. Then love becomes a choice, and hate becomes an act of the will. That is why the doctor-author can affirm, “I shall not hate.” That is why, during the times in my life when I have had to say a goodbye, God has helped me to say it without hating.

Marjorie

Taking an Interest in Others

2011-01-13T16:37:00.001-06:00

I have talked with two women in the past week who had this to say about their past jobs:

First, “I'd been there full-time for seven years and part-time for three years, and I really wanted to do something else, but my husband wouldn't let me quit.”

Secondly, “My husband said if I started the training course to prepare for the job and didn't finish it, he would leave me,” and she was afraid to start.

If it's true, what a terrible thing for a husband to demand: “You can't quit. I won't let you.”

If it's true, what a terrible thing for a husband to threaten: “I'll leave you.”

I specifically say, “if it's true,” because it is possible that the first woman was justifying why she kept on working. It is even possible that the second woman was trying to explain away her fear of starting a different career.

Just suppose that what the first woman said isn't exactly how it happened. What a terrible thing for a woman to excuse herself by making her husband look like a tyrant.

Just suppose that what the second woman said isn't exactly how it happened. What a terrible thing for a woman to use her husband as justification for her own fear.

Either way, whatever happened, I know that's not how a good relationship should work. The Apostle Paul wrote, “Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” (Philippians 2:4, 5) I can't imagine Jesus not letting someone explore work opportunities. I can't imagine Him threatening. I think His followers would honor Him and one another by honest communication, consideration for others' hopes and fears, and willingness to negotiate.

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Resolutions for a Happy New Year

2010-12-31T15:20:00.001-06:00

Isn't it interesting that our resolutions are usually made in regard to something we really don't want to do? It's as if resolving to do them is somehow going to make us do them. That is one reason resolutions don't work very well.

“I want to lose fifteen pounds.” No we don't—we want to have lost them! We want very little, or may even resist, the actual process of losing the weight. That may be one reason we find it so hard to keep that resolution!

“I will exercise more.” A good resolve, but a hazy one. Unless we have a plan—not hugely ambitious, but a certain workout, however mild or intense, at a definite time and place—it will be pretty difficult to stick to the vague intention.

“I won't be late to work any more.” Excellent! But if we are part of a busy household and drive to the job at rush hour, we are not always going to be in control. Maybe better would be, “I will do my very best to leave the house by such-and-such time.”

How about this? Resolve to do some of the things that enhance your well-being—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Not such difficult things that you get off track the first week in January; things you really want to do but may have been reluctant to give yourself that “permission.” Such as, “I will eat a piece of dark chocolate, just one, every day.” “I will smile in the mirror and tell myself something good about myself every day.” “I will work my favorite newspaper puzzle every week.” “I will read at least one uplifting book every month.”

Doesn't that sound like a HAPPY new year?

Marjorie

A Family Christmas

2010-12-24T17:26:00.001-06:00

I have been away from this blog for awhile, tending to some other writing projects. I hope to be more attentive to the call of this work too, so keep checking back!

Merry Christmas! Yesterday, my supervisor at work was making the rounds of our department where there are many desks and work stations, greeting us with holiday wishes. After stopping at one desk, she asked us all, “How many in this room have family issues to deal with over the holidays?” A chorus of voices and raised hands answered in the affirmative. I did not, and thought again how grateful I am for a loving and supportive family. There will not be many expensive presents, but we'll not go away grumpy and disappointed! There will be plenty of warmth and love for everyone. There will not be a big dinner, but rather a plentiful “brunch” spread of simple food. (More sausage gravy, anyone? Another helping of fried apples?)

I have just returned from a Christmas Eve service, which I attended at 3 p. m. since I don't any longer drive after dark. I went to a church other than my own, so I was not sure what to expect. I came away with tears of emotion on my cheeks. A pianist played many traditional carols before the service began, and a rousing rendition of “Go Tell It on the Mountain” as were were dismissed! The prayers and singing were meaningful, and I participated in the communion service as well. The sanctuary has only one window, a large stained glass one behind the platform, so it was quite dark enough for the candle-lighting ceremony. All in all, it was a lovely Christmas celebration with the larger family of faith.

I realize the holidays may not be that easy for everyone. Some people dread the holidays because it will mean “pretending nice” to people they don't really like. Sometimes even the sounds and smells of Christmas are enough to bring back unhappy memories of occasions past. In either case, one cannot just turn off the “trigger” and not care that it was there to cause distress. Perhaps it would help to focus, not on a troubling situation or an unhappy memory, but on the simple fact that Christmas reminds us once again of the Savior who came into an earthly family to lead us out of darkness into His light.

Now I'm off to wrap gifts, and once in awhile I'll check Santa's travel progress on the NORAD site!

Marjorie

A Memorial and a Name

2010-09-30T19:00:00.001-05:00

In long ago days, a harem-keeper or sometimes a chamberlain was an emasculated man. The Old Testament law excluded these "mutilated" men, and foreigners also, from service in high religious offices. Certainly their lament might have been, "I have no children, no one to carry on my name, no future." The prophet Isaiah, however, pronounced wonderful blessing for these who were lacking a position of privilege. Today, our access is no longer according to the narrow legal regulations of the former time, and everyone may enjoy spiritual blessing. Perhaps, though, those who have been disenfranchised by society's intolerance may have a particular right to appropriate these verses (which I've adapted a bit.)

“Don’t let foreigners who commit themselves to the LORD say, ‘The LORD will never let me be part of his people.’ And don’t let the [forgotten ones] say, ‘I’m a dried-up tree with no children and no future.’ For this is what the LORD says: I will bless those [lonely ones] who keep my Sabbath days holy and who choose to do what pleases me and commit their lives to me. I will give them—within the walls of my house—a memorial and a name far greater than sons and daughters could give. For the name I give them is an everlasting one. It will never disappear!" (Isaiah 56:3-5)

An inheritance of sons and daughters brings with it care and sometimes, along with delight, more than a little grief and shame. The blessings we receive from God, however, are not bitter. "The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow with it." (Proverbs 10:22) Spiritual blessings are far greater than having sons and daughters, as much as a person may desire them. Three things are gifts:

In the present, a welcome: No one, regardless of their position in life, should ever say, "I can't be one of God's people; I'm not good enough." Of course, no one is! We are redeemed, and we are made welcome by the worthiness of Christ our Lord.

For the past, acceptance and a memorial that reminds watching worlds that this child of God has been faithful and obedient through the most difficult of circumstances.

For the future, an everlasting name. John the Revelator wrote, "To everyone who is victorious . . . I [Christ] will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it." We cannot fathom what that means, but what a special treasure!

Never suppose, if life has passed you by in some way, that you are the loser for it. God has a way of restoring what has been lost or stolen.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Doing Change

2010-09-28T18:29:00.001-05:00

I apologize to the psychologist-author-media personality ahead of time: But I just can't buy the idea of a "new husband by Friday" or "new kid" similarly. Oh yes, he's a humorist too--maybe that explains it.

Seriously, I'm sure there are good workable ideas for many wives and mothers in his books, but changing a man's attitude, behavior, and communication in five days? No, I don't think so. Maybe a new understanding, beginning to interact better, trying more demonstrate love in ways he understands. These are a start—and they begin not with the husband or kid, but with me or you.

And the kid? Yes, but actually the changes begin with mom. Take charge. Form deeper, more meaningful bonds with the children. Don't base discipline on threats and fear but on cause/effect. All of this takes some "smarts" and attention from the adult in the situation. So I was really glad to see the latest book: Have a New You by Friday: How to Accept Yourself, Boost Your Confidence & Change Your Life in 5 Days Now the emphasis is on the only person we can actually change—ourselves. I'm still not sure a new you can be developed in five days, but one can certainly get a boost.

And it can be any time—even today. You don't have to start on a Monday and get to a "new you" on a Friday! ☺

Marjorie

Responsibility

2010-09-15T17:32:00.002-05:00

There are only two kinds of responsibility that we ordinarily face:

Mine and

Not Mine.

Differentiating between the two can be a tricky proposition; we don't always know what is mine and what is not mine. However, our success as parents and employees, as citizens of our country and world, and as Christians depends on our ability to take our own responsibilities and let others (and God Himself) assume theirs.

For starters, here are some of My Responsibilities:

For the life I have now. Regardless of what my past held and how it formed me, I must take charge of how I respond to today's challenges. No matter who has influenced me and what events have developed my worldview, I am the only one who can, with God's help, grow into who I should be. That may involve change; nobody can do that for me, and even God won't do it without my cooperation!

For letting go of things I should not or cannot control. I can no longer manage the affairs of my child, now an adult, whom I once had to guide and direct. I cannot change the personality of the one with whom I find it difficult to get along. I can do but a little to change the way things are run in my church or my country; what I can do cheerfully and without force is mine to do, but fuming about the state of affairs does not accomplish anything.

For integrity. If I am specifically given accountability for tasks, situations, individuals or groups, I am to administer love with both mercy and justice as I myself would want to be treated.

For demonstrating reconciliation. This is the message of the Gospel, and I should reflect in my own relationships what God has for all who will accept His offer.

Not Mine.

What is yours before God.

Marjorie

Who Am I?

2010-09-13T17:41:00.000-05:00

We often short-change ourselves by accepting an incomplete definition of "who am I?" We explain who we are by saying I'm Jake's wife or Bobby's mother, Susie's piano teacher or debate coach. We introduce ourselves by what we do: I am the president at BigStuff Productions, I am a CPA, I'm a pest exterminator. An unfortunate thing about such identity markers is that they don't last. How will the woman define herself when Jake is no longer in the picture, Bobby has grown up and left home, or she isn't able to give piano lessons any more? What happens when the company president or the CPA retires, and if pest control is done by huge municipal enterprises?

Sometimes, and often without realizing it, we define ourselves—especially to ourselves—by some experience in our past. "I am the adult child of an alcoholic," "I am the victim of a rape," "I was abused as a child," "I'm a divorcee," "I served time in prison," "I killed people during the war." It's completely understandable that circumstances like these would mark indelibly the one who experienced them. It's not wise or right to minimize the ensuing trauma; I clearly favor getting appropriate support services along with professional help as needed.

However, the sooner one can let go of the limited naming of oneself the better. "I am not that role or that job; it cannot define me. I am something even bigger and better." And the sooner one can let go of the negative naming of oneself the better. "I am not that experience. My divorce—my mother's alcoholism—my abuse—my crime does not define me. I am something other than, and more than, that trauma."

I am made in the image of God.
I am His child, redeemed by the Savior.
I am called by name, and tenderly led by the Great Shepherd.
I am choice in God's sight, the "apple of His eye."
I have an advocate in Jesus, someone who stands up for me.
I am part of the Body of Christ, placed there with purpose.
I have gifts to share, given by the Spirit of God.
I have eternity in my heart—now and forever.

Who am I? What defines me? Who God says I am.

Marjorie

Love Thinks No Evil

2010-09-07T15:12:00.003-05:00

Not long ago I read again the story of the Amish schoolhouse killings in 2006, and marveled at the extraordinary forgiveness demonstrated by the community.

One of the fathers told his son "We mustn't think evil." (King James scripture tells us that love thinks no evil.) What does that mean, I wondered? Maybe he really meant—and I have to admire it—"Don't judge the man who did this; don't dwell on it." At the same time, are we not to recognize that what this man did was a heinous crime? Are we not to think that his deeds—and the intentions he demonstrably had but did not carry out—were anything but evil? Should he not have to suffer consequences? (Actually, he did take his own life.) This idea troubles me.

We sometimes take only Jesus' admonition, "Judge not" and omit the rest of what He said. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Matthew 7:1, 2 NIV) Jesus was aiming at hypocrites, those who would want "justice for you and mercy for me." He made it clear enough that we can spot those who falsely make claims by examining the fruit of their lives. When I go to the store, I can pick a good melon or pass by the bruised peaches. Yes, I am judging! In much the same way, I look for evidence of spiritual life and health. But a warning! My criteria for that "judgment" will certainly be used for my life also. As I judge others, I too will be judged by them.

"To the pure, all things are pure." I read once that this means those who think purely—clearly, without personal agenda—see things as they really are. I would hope that we can think straight enough to see that this terrible incident in the Amish community was "purely evil," entirely, wholly wrong. In that sense, we judge. We are not the ones who make a legal judgment; judges and juries do that. We do not make an eternal one; only God can do that. But let us not confuse "thinking no evil" with closing our eyes to terrible realities. Wrong is wrong, however you look at it. The option we have is choosing whether to take it into ourselves and let it fester or to maintain attention on what is true and noble and just. (See Philippians 5:8)

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

"My Bad"

2010-09-06T16:19:00.000-05:00

Matt was accused of creating the problems in his domestic life, and right or wrong, he accepted the blame. Doing so, made him look like a bad person. But I know Matt, and I know he is not a bad person. So that caused me to start pondering—"Are blame for doing a bad thing and being bad really the same thing? Why do we mix them up?"

I grew up thinking they were much the same. Back then, if someone said, "It's your fault," I took that to mean, "Then you are a bad person." We had not yet come to saying as in today's vernacular, "My bad," meaning "I did something wrong, or foolish, or just by mistake." This admission does not carry the sense that I believe that I am a bad person or that you will think I am. And that is quite a good thing.

Good people and well-meaning people sometimes do bad things. Abraham lied, twice, about his relationship to his wife beautiful Sarah, pitting her at risk. King David dallied with a female subject and subsequently planned the murder of her husband. Peter adamantly refused to extend the Gospel past his own ethnicity. Paul's confessed that he, with his impeccable heritage, was the worst of all sinners.

These same individuals, repentant and redeemed, were not bad people. Abraham was known as a friend of God, and David was called a man after God's own heart. Peter accepted the Divine instruction that the Gospel was for Gentiles also. Paul declared at life's end, "I have kept the faith, and there's a crown for me." Obviously, admitting that "Yes, I am a sinner; yes, I have behaved like a sinner" does not make a person beyond the reach of grace.

A trick that Satan is fond of sung on Christians: the belief that they are irretrievably bad. Standing up to our responsibility, admitting "my bad," is very different from defeatedly bowing under constant blame heaped on by the devil or by unhappy people or even by our own hopeful selves. Instead, "I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels." (Isaiah 61:10)

What an exchange! My "badness" or fearful sense of "badness" for His goodness!

Marjorie

Scripture quotation taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

The Lifter of My Head

2010-09-04T18:10:00.000-05:00

I remember acutely the day that a set of circumstances closed around me, and it became clear that I had made some serious errors. All unknowing, I had made unwise decisions on top of coerced actions on top of misguided trust, and that had led me to a deep, dark place. "I am so ashamed," I confessed to a friend. "I don't want to be around people. I don't want them to see me."

"You have done nothing wrong," the other assured me. "But still, it's okay to take a little break." Those words were most helpful, for what I needed was to understand that I did not have to bow to remorse and shame; in a few days when I met people again, I could hold my head up.

"Many are they who say of me, 'There is no help for him in God.' But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head." I cried to the LORD with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill." (Psalm 3:2-4 NKJV)

Shame, I think, is a common part of the human condition, at least ever since Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden. Only after disobeying God, they felt naked and defenseless. They were ashamed.

Our personal shame arises from many sources: From a shame-filled upbringing. From an uninformed or misguided conscience. From our own shortcomings, real or perceived. From an inability to handle objectively the opinions of others. But the difficult thing about shame is that I cannot do anything much to relieve it; guilt is handled by repentance and restitution, but shame is deeper than that. It strikes not at what I have done, but who I am.

That is what God changes—who I am. "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (II Corinthians 5:17 NLT) Shame, because we are Adam's race, is part of being human. It cannot really be evaded. But it can be healed by the One who is the "Lifter of My Head."

Marjorie

Scripture marked NKJV is taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Different Families

2010-09-01T19:11:00.002-05:00

All of us grow up in different families, even if we are born to the same parents and live in the same house! My sister has told me, especially as I relate "Things Mama Taught Me" on my Finding the Faith Way blog, "You had different parents than I had. That's not the mother I knew."

When I was born, I was the baby girl who followed two boys. When my mother realized that she now had the daughter she wanted so much, she was convinced she would never be unhappy again. (Oh my! How naïve she was!) I realize now, as an adult, that my mother was thus confessing that there were times when she was, in fact, unhappy. Not just exasperated with a couple of rowdy boys, not just tired from a farm-wife's duties, not just worried about some things the household lacked—but unhappy. That makes me sad. My mother had an early ambition to be a nurse or a teacher. She graduated from high school, something not every girl did in those days. Did the role of wife and mother stifle the creative urge I am certain she possessed? I will never know. But of course, this woman at thirty-five was very different from the girl of nineteen.

Here are some of the ordinary things that make the same family "different". (I have left out the really awful things like death of a parent, abuse or abandonment, loss of the home, the unexpected and unwanted child, and so on.)

4Some family members are a good fit. They are at ease together, they understand each other, they like each other. Others are not such a good fit--you wouldn't select them as friends if you were doing the choosing! We sometimes say, "He is like a brother (or a father) to me." "She is the mother (or the sister) I did not have." This statement reveals our yearning for the ideal—often an impossible one—that our real father or mother, brother or sister did not, and indeed could not, meet. This idealistic idea of love is one reason that many a person grows up feeling unloved.

4Unloved does not necessarily mean deprived or neglected. It means just what it says, "not loved." The opposite of love is not always—as we've usually been taught—hate. The opposite of love is often apathy, another reason for being "unloved." Whatever the cause, some parents are unable to nurture their offspring emotionally. They are just too busy. Or they are oppressed financially. They know only one way to treat children: the way they themselves were treated. They are at odds with each other. They hate their jobs, or they don't have one at all. They don't like themselves, and they don't really like kids either, or at least not so many of them!

4Perceived differences can make children feel unloved. To them, "fair" means equal opportunity or the very same treatment. This isn't realistic. Children are not the same and have different needs; parents, because they are human, may—aware or not—show favoritism. (Yes, it does happen in good families. Look at Joseph's story in the Bible!) However, studies show that preferential treatment may not be for the person himself/herself since it often doesn't continue all through the child's development. The preference may be for the life stage of the child—as a darling infant or the adorable toddler or precocious five-year old. What sibling can process this accurately?

We shouldn't be too surprised that two people born to the same parents and raised in the same home do not think and feel and act the same. The very fact of each one's birth changed the dynamics and created a different family.

Marjorie

Information about the study I mentioned is from Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt authored by Peg Streep.

God Doesn't Waste His People

2010-07-20T16:47:00.001-05:00

So tell me, Job, after all your pain,
Is God really fair or not?
"Fair's not the issue, rather, who is God?
And He never wastes His people."

Abram, going out—you knew not where—
To follow an uncertain call.
Surely you thought you'd missed the way?
"Yes, but God doesn't waste His people."

And Esther, weren't you a bit afraid
That God might not come through?
"Of course I feared, but in life or death,
God doesn't waste His people."

And you, stretched out upon your cross,
Cannot picture redemption's reach.
No, nor could our Lord Himself,
But God never wastes His people.

--MZC (for the B's)

This Is Not About You

2010-06-10T17:21:00.002-05:00

Another difficult subject--

While serving as a church staff member, I personally visited with a number of women who experienced the trauma of discovering that their husband had an intimate sex life—albeit an illusionary one—apart from their marriage. The women were hurt. Unbelieving and tearful or "spittin' mad," they were devastated by what certainly felt to them like infidelity.

Pornography, in its many forms, is ubiquitous; its prevalence and its bold specificity are startling. Several of the men were caught up in this, but there were other sexual addictions too that had come to light. The men I refer to profess Christian faith; they are well-respected in their church communities. Even so, they had been lured into a fantasy world where sexual fulfillment held no commitment or responsibility. It seemed to have no consequences. And that is where they were mistaken.

I am not an expert on the diagnosis or treatment of sexual addictions, so I'll not go into that aspect of the problem. But, "What's wrong with me?" the women wondered. "Why am I not enough?" To other women who may be facing circumstances like theirs, I want to pass along a piece of wisdom I learned from one of the counselors. "This is not about you." You cannot be sweet enough, cute enough, glamorous enough to cure the situation because it's not about you. You may be feeling unworthy, terribly unlovely, and hopeless. You are not. You might work together as a couple with professionals who can assist you, but this is his problem and his choice whether to confront it honestly.

Don't forget—this is not about you.

Marjorie

Always Angry

2010-05-26T19:32:00.002-05:00

Some people are always, always angry. Have you noticed? Have you wondered why? I have. I am not an expert in such things, but I've made some observations.

4 Some people are angry because they assume that they were born into this world for other people to make happy. That plan inevitably fails, but instead of creating their own happy selves, they take vengeance on those who did not do it for them.

4 Some people are angry because they can't find the OFF switch. They may have suffered injustices—who has not?—and have good cause to object to the unfair treatment they've received. But their basic sense of entitlement has fueled their fury to unreasonable proportions.

4 Some people are angry because it makes them feel strong. They get a "high" from rage-fueled adrenaline that is like a powerful drug in their system—and isn't illegal.

4 Some people are angry because others around them have failed to protect them from the consequences of their misbehavior. They expect to be made happy, remember?

4 Some people are angry because they have been exposed as mean, or fearful or just plain shallow. The truth is so painful that they act out a blustery denial, believing that no one will then see the person they really are.

4 Some people are angry because they have learned to use aggressive behavior as a tool to get what they want or to avoid getting what they don't want.

Anger is a complicated emotion. Some scholarly folk say it is a basic emotion, while others say it is the secondary response to hurt, frustration, or fear. It helps me to know that the people around me who seem angry all the time are most likely not angry at me!

What observations have you made?

Marjorie

Home Schooling

2010-05-24T17:41:00.002-05:00

The modern home-schooling movement began in the seventies and eighties when parents and some educators began to question the wisdom of the conventional education system. Long before that, however, before there were compulsory attendance laws, children learned at home the basics of growing and gathering food, caring for livestock, using tools, and making clothing. When they could be spared from house and field, they might spend brief periods under the tutelage of a parent or older sibling or a young woman in the community (single, of course) who knew readin', 'ritin', and 'rithmetic.

Whether we attended a public school or a private one, or whether we were taught by a tutor or parent at home, almost all of us have had "home-schooling." From early centuries until the present, we've been home-schooled in many things besides the three R's. (Only a few children have virtually raised themselves, like Topsy in Uncle Tom's Cabin who just "growed.") We learned the value of hard work—or not. We learned to respect the rights of others—or not. We learned honesty, loyalty, and faith in God—or not. We may have learned that there is money for booze but not shoes. We may have learned that crime does indeed pay—at least, in the short term. We may have learned that adults get their way by yelling, that a murmur of protest earns a smack in the face, and that no reason at all may bring on enraged blows. We may have learned that children don't count and, in particular, that girls don't count. We may have learned that the name of God precedes curses that make us feel small and weak and unloved.

Some things must be un-learned. Is there some word that you consistently find it difficult to spell because you did not learn it correctly in the first place? Do you split infinitives or dangle participles because no one taught you not to? (We also are not supposed to end sentences with prepositions, did you notice?) Are there certain number combinations that tend to trip you? Then you will find that you must pay attention to un-learning those mistaken lessons.

The same may be true of "home schooling." Not everything we learned from our elders is right just because they said so. Not everything is best practice just because it is what they did. Now that we are adults, making choices of our own, we must decide if what we learned back then is true and right. Is honesty really the best—or perhaps only—policy? Do nice guys, and girls, always finish last? Am I significant? Can people be trusted? Can God?

Where do we find the truth?

First of all, in what God says about us and how He says to live, described for us in the Scriptures. And then—not in order of their importance, which only the learner can determine—other places may be:
People whose lives demonstrate purpose and meaning, who know how to make relationships work—listening to them, asking questions.
Information sources such as books, articles, and recorded presentations.
Personal consultation/counseling which serve to give insight.

This is probably no longer "home" schooling. It is "advanced education" from which we never graduate.

Fortunately!

Marjorie

Live by What You Know

2010-05-18T16:58:00.001-05:00

It's disheartening to be dismissed or rejected by people we do not know well, but we may feel a whole range of greater emotion if we are betrayed by someone we trusted: anger, disappointment, self-pity, even revenge. David expresses all of these in Psalm 55, written probably under the persecution of Saul and his adherents or when his own son Absalom conspired against him. "It is not an enemy who taunts me—I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God. Let death stalk my enemies; let the grave swallow them alive, for evil makes its home within them." (verses 55:12-15)

But listen as David replies to himself. "But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, though many still oppose me. God, who has ruled forever, will hear me and humble them." (12-19)

Again he complains, "As for my companion, he betrayed his friends; he broke his promises. His words are as smooth as butter, but in his heart is war. His words are as soothing as lotion, but underneath are daggers!" And again, he assures and comforts himself, "Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." (20-22)

In many ways, David's experiences forecast those of the Lord Himself. He came unto His own and His own received Him not, the Scripture explains, and says further that He is (not just was, long ago) despised and rejected of men. Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests to arrange to betray Jesus to them. They were glad see him when they heard why he had come, and promised to give him money for his ugly deed. He began then to plan for an opportunity to betray Jesus. Worst of all, Jesus endured feeling abandoned and cried from the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Yet, at the very last, in spite of violence to body and soul, He acknowledged the presence of His Father by saying, "Into Thy hands I commend my spirit."

David had to live by what he knew rather than by what he could see or what he felt. Jesus had to live by what He knew rather than by what He could see or what He felt. When we feel hounded by circumstances, betrayed by people, perhaps even disappointed in ourselves, we are called to meet the challenge: Live by what you know, not by what you can see or what you feel.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

A Little Bit Mad

2010-05-14T14:17:00.000-05:00

Carefully, carefully, I'm going to write today about staying a little bit mad. I don't want you to misunderstand me and think that I am advocating living in a state of angry agitation. By using "mad" instead of "angry," although it's non-standard English, perhaps you will better understand my intent. One can be a little bit mad, I think, and not be furious, full of rage, and—dare I say it?—without sinning. I propose that to our own advantage, sometimes we need to stay a little bit mad.

When we have been mistreated, we need at some point, to let go of the need to retaliate. That is the Christian thing to do, and the healthy thing to do. Some would teach us that when you have truly forgiven an offense, you should also forget it. You may. But again, you may not. You may stay a little bit mad.

Some experiences are not easily forgotten, and indeed should not be, for we then proceed with a sense of caution that we did not have before. Some injuries propel us into advocacy for others who suffer similar indignities. Some show us where we have allowed others to take advantage of us. Some teach us that, following great personal harm, we can regain our balance and discover, "There is life after—" whatever.

I would never recommend to you the "mad" that is constantly simmering, that keeps you fearful or self-pitying, and that disturbs the peace of God that is to rule in our hearts. But that little bit of mad can be the energy that causes you to focus on what is good and right in your relationships. Without the determination that comes with a little "mad," it is easy to avoid the growth that is needed to become a whole and healthy Christian woman.

Marjorie

Accepting Reality

2010-04-14T18:22:00.002-05:00

Accepting something does not necessarily mean we welcome it or even like it now that it's here. Acceptance means we stop trying to change what is. (Can you stand to hear one more person say, "It is what it is"? However, that is often the truth about the situation—it simply is.)

Some of us are cautious when it comes to acceptance. We are afraid it might mean pretending things don't matter. It does not. And neither does it mean becoming hardened to people and their problems—or refusing to recognize that we too have needs and problems. Accepting reality does not mean we are weak, apt to be a pushover for anyone who would take advantage of us. You can't push a rope.

Accepting reality means, among other things, that we stop trying to change situations that cannot be changed. This would include things already in the past. In our more rational moments, we know that we cannot change what has already taken place; we cannot make something "un-happen." Still, in our minds, we go over and over the situation as though fussing with it once more will surely yield a different outcome this time. Our energy should be poured instead into working with the present situation to transform it into what it ought to be, here and now. Take advice from "Mother Goose," apparently a very wise old lady. A rhyme from the seventeenth century says,

For every ailment under the sun
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it;
If there be none, never mind it.

Other situations cannot be changed because we do not have control over other people's attitudes and actions. Accepting reality means we release the idea that we do possess that power. (I'm not suggesting that we give up on socializing our children and others for whom we are responsible, but even there, we are limited.) We cannot make another person change. We have to accept that they are the way they are. We may not like or approve of their behavior and we may encourage change, but we cannot make them do so. Force does not work. Other people too are like a rope that cannot be pushed!

The Serenity Prayer is the common name given to some lines, written perhaps as early as 1934 and originally untitled, attributed to the theologian Reinhold Niebuhr.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

These modern writers are only echoing what Jesus said:

4"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

4"If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."

4"I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can't take him in because it doesn't have eyes to see him, doesn't know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!" (John 16:33; Matthew 5:15, 16; John 14:16, 17)

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

But He Never Hit Me

2010-04-11T12:43:00.000-05:00

Again, because of its relevance to women, I am publishing an entry which appeared previously on "Finding the Faith Way, January 8, 2009.

I am deeply troubled by the uneasiness I perceive when some women are with the men to whom they are attached by law or by love. Some of them I know well, and they are not these same cautious individuals when they are “on their own.” Others I see only as I shop or work on the job or attend church, but their discomfort is obvious even in public. I have to wonder if he is beating her—not with his fists, but with words and actions and attitudes that bruise her inner person.

The preferred form of abuse used by "good" men, even Christian men, seems to be whatever doesn't show. So they are unlikely to knock out a woman’s teeth or give her a black eye since that would be too obvious. And they certainly don’t want her calling the police or going to the emergency room. But all the same, many women in churched homes are repeatedly subjected to other forms of abuse: verbal attacks, emotional wounds, financial tyrrany, demeaning sexual behavior. "But he never hit me," does not make it okay.

►Some women do not recognize these actions as abuse. “Abuse” means bruises and broken bones and blood—doesn’t it? “Abuse” is something that happens in other homes not influenced by God and the Church—isn’t it? Many women brought up in the first half of the twentieth century believed that they must be subject to their husbands (and deferential to all males, for that matter) for much the same reason that Europeans accepted the “Divine Right of Kings” hundreds of years ago: "The right to rule comes directly from God, and the ruler is accountable to Him alone.” If these women have had religious instruction that is extremely conservative, they may be especially susceptible to abuse, believing they must learn to accept this mistreatment as “God’s will” for them. It is not.

►Other women accept abuse because it corroborates what they deeply feel they are worth. They may have felt their inadequacy as little girls who did not have the same acceptance and opportunities as boys. Perhaps the women they saw as role models were quiet and servile in relation to the men around them. These girls may have experienced shame as they matured into desirable young women and someone they trusted took advantage of them. With their self-esteem already damaged, they are open to believing they must learn to accept mistreatment as what they “deserve.” They do not.

►Still other women accept abuse because they grew up trusting others to be as kind and helpful as they themselves are. They are caught off-guard by someone who sees their good nature as a point of weakness and now uses it selfishly or even cruelly. The usual marriage counseling is unlikely to “fix” the problem; probably both parties will need to seek professional help from someone experienced in dealing with abusers—and with those who tolerate it. “But he loves me, and he will change.” Probably he will not.

A pattern of hurtful words and actions, even in a Christian home, can constitute abuse. The abuser does not call it that since he may think, “I’m just putting her in her place,” or “I am ruling over my household,” or “She is supposed to submit to me.” And sadly, the victim may not call it abuse either, convinced that, “If I object, he’ll be angry,” or “I don’t really have anything to say because he is the head of the home,” or “I know wives are supposed to be submissive to their husbands.” This is a distorted view of the Biblical injunction to submit to one another. Because the man usually is the stronger physically, probably is capable of more volume, and may have more experience in positions of authority, he imposes his own will on the wife he is commanded to love as Christ loves the Church. Her wishes and well-being are not considered or respected on the basis of the authority he supposes has been assigned to him. He chooses to believe a few selected portions of Scripture to the exclusion of all the rest of New Testament teaching.

One should not suppose that because the abuse does not directly injure the body that it causes no physical harm. Ask the woman who cannot concentrate, who is constantly on guard or is “jumpy” and easily startled. Ask the one who stares at the ceiling instead of sleeping, who has disturbing dreams when she does drift off. Ask the one who has chest pains or stomachaches at the end of every work day (when it’s time for her to go home or for him to come home). No physical harm? Her body may be saying, “I am going to tell you in no uncertain terms that something is wrong.”

In 490 BC, the Greek historian Herodotus described an Athenian solider who had not suffered personal battle injury but became permanently blind after witnessing the death of a fellow soldier. In our own history, we have spoken of "shell shock" or "battle fatigue" associated with war. Today we would call that post-traumatic stress disorder, a term coined in the mid-seventies and now recognized as a diagnosable condition, often needing treatment. A number of practitioners include not only single traumatic events as the precursor of PTSD but also prolonged, repeated, significant stressors. This is not to equate the “battle” at home with the mortal danger of warfare; I simply call attention to the fact that serious physical harm can also result from well-aimed verbal missiles.

Even though “He never hit me.”

Marjorie

Bruises

2010-04-08T16:29:00.002-05:00

Acting again on my sense of responsibility to women in troubled situations, I am publishing today a post which first appeared on July 22, 2008, as an entry on my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way." Because of its relevance to women in particular, I have moved it to this location.

The other day when shopping, I was helped by a clerk who had a large, very discolored bruise around one eye. Now even though we care when others are hurting, polite folk just don’t say, “Oh, I’m so sorry. What happened?” So maybe she hit her head on the car door when she was buckling one of the children into the safety seat? Maybe she just had some kind of cosmetic surgery near her eye? Or maybe the baby kicked her when she was changing his diaper?

Probably not. Probably somebody hurt her.

I got to wondering why I have never, in all my lifetime of church attendance, seen a woman come to worship with a suspicious-looking black eye. One only has to read statistics to know that churched families aren’t immune to violence in the home. Perhaps it’s because there’s too much shame connected with abuse occurring in a “Christian” family. One or the other of the couple may have said, “I (or You) can’t go to church looking like this.”

More likely, though, the form of abuse these church-going men choose to inflict is something that doesn't show—no bruises, no black eyes, no knocked-out teeth, nothing that would send a woman to the emergency room. But many women in homes connected to the Church are abused repeatedly by verbal assaults, emotional withholding or emotional terrorism, financial vise-grips, or humiliating sexual behavior. "But he never hit me," is no excuse for the equally—or perhaps greater—damaging trauma of this invisible abuse.

The average onlooker might wonder, "Why does she take it? Why doesn't she just get out?" The reasons are many. "I have no money." "I'll stay for the children." "I'm afraid to live alone." "I promised till death do us part." But the underlying reason is often hidden more deeply than that: she does not realize what is happening.

We might question, "How could she not know?" One reason is this: Many women, particularly those who are now middle-aged or older, have been "brain-washed" by the patriarchal society that still exists in many branches of the Church. Abuse, these women believe, is something awful that can happen in homes—always other homes—where an alcoholic beats up his wife and children. Abuse is inflicted by wicked men; it might occur in worldly homes, but certainly not Christian ones. Abuse results in bruises, black eyes, knocked-out teeth, and trips to the ER, doesn’t it?

But this is not true. Abuse is also treatment that damages the other’s personhood: lies, vicious words and mean or dismissive attitudes. There are no visible bruises or cuts, only deep heart wounds caused by pounding blows of anger and scorn that crush the woman's hope for love and understanding, words that slash her fragile belief in herself as a worthwhile person. She takes it silently, shamefully, because it reinforces what she already believes about herself. She may have been taught—or caught on—in her parental home that little girls do not matter. In the effort to teach courtesy and respect, damage may have been done inadvertently by insisting that children be seen and not heard. She may have misunderstood her father's need to teach his sons "manly" sorts of things, and she felt there was favoritism, whether or not that really existed. She may have heard regularly, "Just wait until your father gets home," with the implication that her mother, being a woman, could not adequately handle difficulty. Family members or acquaintances who took indecent liberties with the child and made her keep their "little secret," teachers who always asked the boys to take charge of the playground activities, the rule that said only men got to have the interesting jobs—all these experiences reinforced the idea that girls don't count.

And when the quiet, compliant child grows up? She becomes a silently compliant woman. Try as she might, she cannot please her husband; this is no fault of hers—he simply chooses to be dissatisfied with whatever she does. He can cut her down to size with sharp criticism, bully her with unreasonable demands, and treat her opinions with scorn, but if she objects or tries to explain how hurt she is, he responds with, "Get over it!", "You're just too sensitive," or "Do you know what a godly wife would do?" His rule over her does not come from a true understanding of his place in the home, nor is it authorized by God. His "power" comes from his size, his sheer volume, or the impact of his repeated behavior. She still doesn't matter.

Why would a man, especially a Christian man, abuse the companion he has promised to cherish and protect? In all likelihood, he is addicted, perhaps not to drugs or alcohol, but just as dependent for a "high" as the substance abuser. He may be addicted to rage, convinced that he is a victim of his family or the legal system or the job market or even the Church. Because he is a victim and has been hurt, he has the desire and the "right" to hurt other people. Or he may be addicted to fear: someone, somewhere—maybe even his wife—will take advantage of him, abandon him, or reveal him as a fake so he will get to that dangerous person first, with a display of his authority. He may be addicted to the feeling of power he gets from his selfish control. Whatever the motivating factor, the continuing abuser will almost certainly not quit on his own. Yes, there are miracles; for example, God delivers some alcoholics instantly, and they never touch another drop. But many substance abusers have to get some help on a personal basis. And so, in almost every case, does the domestic abuser. "Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." (Romans 12:2 NLT) Without this basic change, there is little hope for a change in the behavior at home.

Marjorie

Tell

2010-04-07T15:56:00.002-05:00

When I began writing this blog, I promised myself that I would address not only the ordinary issues that Christian women face but also the tragedies that some are living. This post first appeared on November 20, 2008, as an entry on my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way." Because of its relevance to women in particular, I have moved it to this location.

"When a tree falls in a lonely forest, and no animal is near by (sic) to hear it, does it make a sound?" Readers of a 1910 physics book pondered the question, so this philosophical riddle has been around for a long time. (Wikiquote) Of course, the answer depends on our definition of sound. If we mean the frequency of vibrations caused by one thing striking another, yes, it makes a sound. If we mean these vibrations striking a hearing organ and messages being sent to a brain, no, it does not. So there is not one answer; it all depends on how you look at it.
I know women—it can be men too, but it is more often women—who silently suffer abuse in their homes. “No one is around to hear it.” Rarely do I see evidence of physical battering; that’s just too obvious. But they are victims of “stealth” abusers; you would have to live in their house to witness the abuse. Here are some examples:

A pattern of lying, insults, ignoring, manipulation, criticism, intentional irritation, devaluation, threats, humiliation, coercion, name-calling, intimidation.

More? A pattern of sadistic humor, sexual objectification, punishment, unreasonable expectations, a purposely-created atmosphere of fear and unpredictability.

And then there is control. A pattern of arbitrarily determining how much one can spend and on what, where one can go, how many miles you can drive, when you must return, whom you can see, what you should wear, how you are to sit, eat, talk, and stand, when you can sleep.

This is not an exclusive list, for there are many more creative ways to abuse than I have mentioned here. Because there are no bruises, many women (and men too) feel they really shouldn’t make a fuss about it, and anyway, if I don’t think too much about it, can it really be happening? “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Now everybody gets up on the wrong side of bed once in awhile. Everyone has a tough day now and then and becomes irritable. That’s not what this is about. We are considering here a pattern of behavior with the characteristics outlined above. How does a person get into a situation like this? It is the rare person who would marry someone they knew would be abusive. A common way is this: the would-be abuser has learned by observation and practice to make his/her actions appear normal—perhaps even better than normal. They are attractive, charming, devout certainly, smart probably, guaranteed (by their own good word!) to be trustworthy. They can keep up this for some extended periods of time, i.e. while they work, go to church, relax at a ball game, or take a date to dinner. But in a long-term 24/7 relationship, the need to hide what they really hold inside—anger, fear, self-hate, or whatever—is too great a strain. They find it impossible to maintain their pretense of stability, and the true self comes rushing to the surface.

The outburst, whether all at once or in increments that lead to an alarming conclusion, usually comes as a huge surprise to the “victim.” The loving, charming person you fell in love with suddenly becomes someone you do not even know. Having invested a great deal of love and trust and commitment yourself, you assume that your loved one is ready to make the same sacrifices in order for the relationship to thrive. It is shocking and terribly confusing to discover that this is not true.

“Maybe I’m expecting too much,” you think. “She is just tired.” “He has a lot on his mind lately.” “He said he wouldn’t do it again.” “She begged for another chance.” And yet . . . and yet . . . if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it not make any sound? Does pretending nothing is happening mean that nothing is?

I know of no better way for you to help yourself or someone you know in such a situation than to talk with someone. Tell. That is hard, for you or your friend genuinely love the difficult person. It is not with the intent to punish or harm the other, but to gain clarity, to see with a less-narrow perspective. You have to tell. Very few victims can see clearly enough to help themselves. You must, though, choose your confidante with care; few family members or neighbors and not even all clergypersons are suited to counsel a person about domestic abuse.

Usually the best place to begin is with a confidential call to your local crisis center. The dedicated volunteers there, many of whom have experienced what you are experiencing, will know what to do. They have heard everything and will be kind to you, and they have access to the trained professionals you may need. (But if you are in an immediate situation of physical abuse, call the police.)

Hidden things have great power over us. This is not to say that everything is to be shared indiscriminately—even though that might feel good! The only way to deal with the sheer unbelievability of the situation is to come to terms with what is, in fact, reality. Telling does not make things worse; it helps make them real so that you can rationally determine the course of action to be taken. Don’t be silent, for if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does that mean it didn’t make a sound?

A related article: "Bruises" (here)
Marjorie

Phantom Pain

2010-03-23T17:51:00.001-05:00

Surgeons have known for a long time about phantom pain. Phantom limb syndrome was first described in 1552 by French surgeon Ambroise Paré, who operated on wounded soldiers and wrote about patients who complained of pain in amputated limbs. Even that long ago, he thought, as doctors do today, that the pain originated in the brain, which is contrary to the popular misconception that phantom pain is in the sensory nerve endings.

Other kinds of trauma also may produce an aftereffect something like the pain that seems to come from the body part that isn't there. A very frightening experience such as living through a destructive earthquake or tornado may cause recurring fear; if a heavy truck makes the house shake as it rumbles by, the person has an instinctive response of panic. A survivor of a terrible accident may relive over and over again the awful moments when they were trapped inside their burning car. Even when she can clearly see that the event is not happening again, the impression on mind and body is as real as if it were.

Women who have suffered emotional devastation—rape, battering, emotional abuse, abandonment by the one they trusted, impoverishment—may feel recurrent pain even if their ordeal ends. Is that so strange? A thoughtless person might say of this lingering pain, "Well, it's just all in her head," and technically, that would be correct. This pain, too, emanates from the brain, but it is as real as that which seems to come from a limb that is no longer attached to the body. She may, for a very long time, think of the one who so deeply hurt her as if he's only in the next room. The pain and uncertainty and fear are as real as they ever were.

Researchers are working on treatment for pain from phantom limbs. There is help for persons suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (the suffering after shattering events). And release can eventually come after the pain of emotional trauma too, from a number of sources. A woman can speak to herself, "It's over. I am safe now." Loving friends can reassure her. Mental health professionals know how to help. With all of these, we still acknowledge that God is the ultimate Healer. Even Paré himself said, "I dressed his wound, God healed him."

Jesus declared, "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Luke 4:17-19)

Marjorie

You may also like "Getting Over It" here.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Info about phantom pain and treatment from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/01/070118-phantom-limb.html

Pleasing Everybody

2010-03-10T16:33:00.000-06:00

You just can't please everybody. We quote Abraham Lincoln as saying, "You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you can not fool all the people all of the time." (Or that may have been Phineas Barnum of circus fame, according to the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations.) It would be equally true had Lincoln or Barnum said, "You can not please all the people all of the time."

I began as a child with the serious business of gaining approval. I tried very hard to please my parents, my teachers, my classmates, my church friends, my brothers although not so much—and God. For many years, I made huge efforts to please everybody or at least not displease them—and especially God.

I outgrew some of my need to please absolutely everyone after I discovered that it was simply impossible to do. But unfortunately, I continued a lot of my effort to please God and not displease Him. I was a Christian a long time before I began to understand that God's love is not earned by even my best personal behavior. Our relationship does not depend on how I feel, and His acceptance of me does not fluctuate according to what kind of day I've experienced. Because "pleasing" has always carried such burden with it, it is helpful for me now to think instead in terms of honoring God and His family. This has helped me change the emphasis from endless worry about doing the right thing to being the person He enjoys being around!

I love the paraphrase of the old "Living Bible," the version which preceded the New Living Translation. David sang in the Shepherd Psalm, "He helps me do what honors Him the most." (Psalm 23:3) God is not off somewhere, making black marks in His book whenever I fall short of my self-ideal of perfection. He is leading me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake, not mine. And He is right here, helping me do what honors Him the most.

Marjorie

You Can Have My Mirror

2010-03-09T18:35:00.001-06:00

The children of Israel were not your usual refugees. They were not poor by any means. They actually had quite a lot of wealth, including what they had "borrowed" from their Egyptian neighbors when they left the country. "And I [God] will make the Egyptians favorably disposed toward this people, so that when you leave you will not go empty-handed. Every woman is to ask her neighbor and any woman living in her house for articles of silver and gold and for clothing, which you will put on your sons and daughters. And so you will plunder the Egyptians." (Exodus 3:21-22 NIV) The problem in the wilderness was, of course, that you cannot eat gold and silver and fine clothing nor was there any place to buy it. Although they were rich by some measure, they would have perished had not God miraculously provided for them.

We sometimes envision that this huge throng was constantly trekking through desert, but this was not the case. They traveled when the cloud of God's presence moved, day or night, and they stopped when the cloud held steady. We don't know much about this wilderness life of theirs, but apparently while they camped, life took on some of its normal routine. Specifically, we know that they cooked and ate and did the laundry, engaged in battle against enemies and had disputes among themselves. (Exodus 16-18) All the while they held onto their valuables—with the notable exception of giving Aaron their gold earrings to make a gold calf-god to worship. Even at that, when the call went out for them to bring offerings for the construction of the tabernacle and all its accompaniments, they came, both men and women, bringing all that was needed. Earrings, nose rings, rings and necklaces, fine linen and colored threads, goats' hair, sheep skins and badger hides, precious stones, spices and oil. Not your usual refugees.

I am especially taken with the gifts bought by one group of women. The workers, with Bezalel in charge, made the bronze washbasin and its bronze stand from the bronze mirrors donated by the women who served at the entrance of the tent of meeting. (This is where Moses went to speak with God.) Can you imagine what it would be like to give up your mirrors?

"Do I look all right?" a woman questions anxiously. Oh, sure, sure, the husband says. She is not convinced, but she has no mirror.

"Do I look all right?" she wonders as she meets other women. "Or are they looking at me strangely?" She should have checked in the mirror—but she doesn't have one.

"Do I look all right? I'm not trying to be anything extraordinary, just okay." But she can't tell for sure. If there were just a tiny mirror . . .

Certainly, gold and silver and precious stones and fine textiles are wonderful to bring as offerings. But I have special admiration for those women who brought their precious piece of polished bronze and said, "Here, you can have my mirror." Each of them gave, in a special, unique way the costly gift of part of her self.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Serving or Subservience

2010-03-01T18:07:00.004-06:00

Sometimes we hear Christian jargon batted about so much that we lose our grasp of what is meant by the terms. Because words like servant and servanthood have been used so much, I've chosen to use different ones.

If one has a spirit of helpfulness, it is easy to slip from freedom in serving into the bondage of subservience. Right away we can get a clue from the sub- prefix. It means "under," "beneath," "lower," "further down" or "less important." That meaning is useful, of course, when we talk about a subway or submarine, subzero temperatures, a subbasement, or a subhead. But sub- connected to service means, not retained and remunerated fairly for aid one has given, but service that is required because the server is under the other. He/she is beneath the one being served, lower and less important.

My purpose in pointing out this difference is that Christians sometimes confuse the two. (As I have done myself.) Too frequently, it can be seen in churches where officials use their position to assume a superior stance over others. They "deserve" their privileges and even if they do not require obeisance, they quite readily accept inappropriate deference. Sadly, it is found in home relationships too. The husband—backed by Scriptural teaching, he supposes, concerning the submission of his wife to his decisions and wishes—domineers or even abuses his family. The wife may not realize there is any other way to interpret those same Scriptures, and hates the position in which they have placed her. In these churches and homes, those who "under" are not able to give freely in serving, but are enmeshed in subservience. While risking oversimplification, I see the two sharply contrasted in these ways.

Serving allows one to understand and minister to others while retaining his/her own identity and objectivity.
Subservience requires one to give up autonomy, even one's own Spirit-led intentions.

Serving has genuineness about it; it is consistent with the rest of the giver's life.
Subservience means the giver may have to hide feelings of frustration and anger.

Serving is about honestly assessing need, not always yielding to what is wanted or demanded.
Subservience is allowing oneself to be manipulated by another, even when their agenda might not be particularly self-serving.

Serving means one chooses to be in a caring or giving situation.
Subservience requires one to co-operate or suffer negative consequences.

So what are people to do if they are caught in subservience rather than serving? Some situations can be altered so that the sub- part no longer exists to create an imbalance of power. That's why Jesus was so hard on the Pharisees. Some relationships have to enter a negotiation phase, where both giver and receiver act honestly and graciously. Remember Jesus washing Peter's feet? And some have to be ended. The Apostle Paul and Barnabas perhaps illustrate this when they went their separate ways, although thankfully, only temporarily. None of these are easy, especially if the inequality is firmly established. But serving is a Christian privilege, fully based on the Scripture; subservience is not.

Marjorie

"It's Not My Problem"

2010-02-23T19:46:00.001-06:00

Those words can be callous and hurtful if stated with disregard for the feelings of other people who find themselves in unhappy circumstances. It probably should not be said at all, but only kept in mind by those of us who tend to take on the task of seeing that everyone around us is happy! That is not our problem! Not our job! Not our calling!

Women sometimes assume this care-taking mindset because of their place as wives, mothers, and workers in many of the helping professions. In these situations, we may have special responsibility for the well-being of those around us, but not for their happiness. That is up to them. Happiness is a choice, even a decision. No one can make another happy, and unfortunately some people are satisfied only if they have something to be unhappy about! We do not have to let such people intimidate us by their expectations—even if they are children or genuinely needy individuals or sincere folks who want us to further their religious project. We do not have the time, talents, money, or physical and emotional energy to make them all happy. It's not our problem!

This is not to say that we should not give thoughtful consideration to requests or demands that come our way. We have probably already learned that it is all right to say "no." What we don't much like is the fallout of our decision if the asker does not accept our answer gracefully. The child may get all pouty. The individual who wanted our resources may be upset. The project leader may be visibly disappointed in us. But that is not our problem!

Well, actually the child may become our problem if we're the parent. "If you need to pout about this, you will have to go to your room to do it." Otherwise, people's responses are their responsibility. Being happy is their problem, not ours.

Marjorie

What Price Cleverness?

2010-02-17T17:14:00.001-06:00

Some people have an incredible need to show off, to create shock, or to be considered funny. It can start very early, as most parents know. The youngster, sans diaper, prances through the living room where company is sitting. The college student takes distinct pleasure in rattling the professor with some inane question. The jokester always tops the last story.

Several incidents coming to my attention recently have reminded me of this. A singer/stand-up comedian made several insensitive, even vulgar, comments in an interview. Facing the ensuing firestorm, he apologized at length, very publicly, saying that in his quest to be clever, he completely forgot the people that he loved and that loved him. Thinking that if he could just continue to pull together fast witty phrases, he would be clever enough that no one would pull him up short for his bratty behavior. He was wrong.

The leader of a women's group contacted the husbands or sweethearts of some of the women and asked them to write a letter of love and affirmation to their loved one. These were to be sent to the leader ahead of time, and the women would open their letters at the meeting. A few letters were read aloud, with touching sentiments of appreciation and devotion. But one woman's letter said, "You are more precious to me than a tree full of sparrows, more fun than a basketball, and I wouldn't trade you for a truckload of turkeys!" Clever? Maybe for fifth grade.

This happened awhile ago, but I ran across a video connected to another story. The comedy site is meant to appeal to college students—and maybe that's why I didn't find it hilarious. A prankster arranged to have a fake marriage proposal displayed on the JumboTron during a game at Yankee Stadium. The supposed husband-to-be and the young woman accompanying him were not amused. His bewilderment was real and so were the couple of slaps she gave him before she stomped off. People, perhaps especially women, take marriage proposals seriously and don't want it to be a joke in front of thousands of people. Was it really that funny? (Even the perpetrator said afterwards, "I'm feeling kind of bad.")

If you are the one trying to be clever, be very careful that your performance is not at the cost of someone else. If someone is hurting you by trying to be clever, tell them how you feel and ask them to stop.

If one's words have substance, they don't need to be surrounded with pretense.

Marjorie

Self-Denial

2010-02-11T17:19:00.004-06:00

A blogger friend who is a Catholic has been writing about Lent which begins next week on Ash Wednesday. I had already been thinking about the self-denial aspect of the season. My worship tradition is not Catholic, but even so, for several years I have found it a profitable spiritual exercise to observe Lent by forgoing the enjoyment of some small pleasure. Even this little bit of self-denial is not required, but it reminds me specifically and regularly of the significance of the approaching Easter Sunday, and so it has been worthwhile. One year it was chocolate, another year, "dainty" food--that is, desserts and other delicacies. Other times, other things. As Lent approaches, I always wonder, "Shall I 'sacrifice' something for Lent? What shall it be?"

I was brought up short by a book I'm reading, an in-depth study of I Corinthians 13, the love chapter. The author, in his exposition on "Love does not seek its own," sees much so-called self-denial as mere disciplines taken on for one reason or another. They are a denial of things, and not a denial of the self at all. The blogger would undoubtedly agree: because if you say, "I'm giving up desserts for Lent—and besides I need to lose some weight," then you are not really fasting for a spiritual purpose. Only if it cuts into the self-life one would choose for personal gratification can it be called a sacrifice. As for giving up gossip or laziness, we should have laid those aside already, just on principle.

We don't see the Jesus presented in the Gospels giving up coffee or cream on His oatmeal or turning off His cell phone, had there been such things then. He gave His real self every day—talking to people when He was tired and hungry, giving children access to His time and His lap, repeating Kingdom precepts over and over to twelve fellows who just didn't get it. Not to mention dying.

All of this is not to say that self-denial means denying that one has, and is, a self. There are those who make a great issue of how unworthy and undeserving they are; they are just non-persons with no ordinary, human needs. They use none of their resources to care for themselves, not realizing that the day is going to come—sooner than God intended—when there is no longer anything left of themselves to give. Women, especially wives and mothers, may fall into that trap more readily than other folks; we have sometimes exalted their self-sacrifice to the point of idolatry. (Which makes it self-centered, after all.)

The Holy Supper is kept, indeed,
In whatso we share with another's need,--
Not that which we give, but what we share,--
For the gift without the giver is bare;
Who bestows himself with his alms feeds three,--
Himself, his hungering neighbor, and Me."

--James Russell Lowell, The Vision of Sir Launfal, 1848

Marjorie

The book I am reading is Love Within Limits: Realizing Selfless Love in a Selfish World by the late Lewis B. Smedes, a professor of Theology and Philosophy of Religion at Fuller Theological Seminary.

For Such a Time As This

2010-02-05T16:01:00.010-06:00

For over a century, The Ladies Home Journal has had a strong influence on its readers, now numbering in the millions. The motto of the magazine for many of those years has been, "Never underestimate the power of a woman." What does that mean? That women are smarter and more capable than you might expect? That women aren't given credit for their strengths? That there's more to a woman than meets the eye? That a woman can do anything a man can do and some things that he cannot? The declaration is perhaps not as aggressive as it might seem, given that the slogan came into use in 1945. Probably it was intended to recognize the value of women's work in the war effort and the tough resilience they demonstrated by maintaining homes and businesses while their men were away in battle.

The motto reminds me of the story of Esther in the Bible. Although the king underestimated the young Jewish woman he took as his queen, her cousin Mordecai did not. The king had been tricked by an evil man into issuing the edict that would wipe out all the Jews in the Kingdom. Mordecai pleaded with Esther to go to the king and beg for action that would spare their people. She was hesitant, for anyone approaching the throne without being summoned could be executed. Mordecai sent the insistent message, "Don't think that just because you live in the king's house you're the one Jew who will get out of this alive. If you persist in staying silent at a time like this, help and deliverance will arrive for the Jews from someplace else; but you and your family will be wiped out. Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this." (Esther 4:13, 14) Esther obeyed, and changed the course of Jewish history.

Who knows what effect your own life can have on those around you? Don't underestimate your power, your influence, or your contribution to the Kingdom of God! He has placed you exactly where you are for just such a time as this, Why then, you may wonder, do I not see anything happening? Why does what I say and do not make any difference?

Oh, but it does! Fifty years ago, a scientist named Edward Lorenz was using a numerical computer model to make weather predictions. What he found was that an extremely tiny change in initial conditions, when they evolved exponentially over time, resulted in a completely different weather outcome. The slightest disturbance, say by the flapping wings of a gull or a butterfly, would eventually be amplified to such an extent that large-scale atmospheric motions were created and long-term weather behavior became impossible to predict. (So that explains why the local weatherman cannot always get it right!)

Lorenz's talk in 1972 before the American Association for the Advancement of Science was titled, "Predictability: Does the Flap of a Butterfly's Wings in Brazil Set off a Tornado in Texas?" A butterfly, of course, could not create the tornado in the sense of providing the energy for the wind. It does represent, though, an infinitesimal part of the initial conditions that resulted in a tornado, and without the flap, that particular tornado would not have existed in the form it did. Thus, Lorenz's "butterfly effect."

In the dynamic structure that is our life in a world with other people, can you see that our actions and words have a butterfly effect too? What we do or say, even as tiny as the flutter of butterfly wings, does have powerful significance. We may not see it immediately, or perhaps we never will. Nevertheless, it sets in motion changes that eventually matter. Don't underestimate your power as a woman. Who knows but that you may have come to the Kingdom for such a time as this?

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Information on the "butterfly effect" from http://www.cmp.caltech.edu/~mcc/chaos_new/Lorenz.html and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butterfly_effect

"Yes, I Hear You"

2010-02-02T18:02:00.004-06:00

I am writing today to women who are suffering great hardship. You have cried and prayed, but no answer has come. Yet.

You may have a son or daughter who has left home to pursue a life of excess; you may not even know where he or she is. You may have been deserted by the companion who promised to cherish you. Or perhaps you are being abused—physically, verbally, or emotionally—or you are witnessing the abuse of those you love. Your family might be among the many who have lost jobs, homes, and dignity. You may be facing devastating illness in your own or a loved one's life. Your heart may be broken by the death of someone very dear. You may have a past that haunts you.

In the book of Exodus, in the telling of a single story, God declares three times that He knows what is happening. The children of Israel, after the years of Joseph's favor with the king, were enslaved in Egypt. "Years passed, and the king of Egypt died. But the Israelites continued to groan under their burden of slavery. They cried out for help, and their cry rose up to God.
4 God heard their groaning,
4 and he remembered his covenant promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
4 He looked down on the people of Israel
4 and knew it was time to act. (Exodus 2:23-25)

Then the Lord told him [Moses],
4 “I have certainly seen the oppression of my people in Egypt.
4 I have heard their cries of distress because of their harsh slave drivers.
4 Yes, I am aware of their suffering.
4 So I have come down to rescue them from the power of the Egyptians
4 and lead them out of Egypt into their own fertile and spacious land . . . Look!
4 The cry of the people of Israel has reached me,
4 and I have seen how harshly the Egyptians abuse them. Now go, for
4 I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people Israel out of Egypt.” (Exodus 3:7-10)

Now go and call together all the elders of Israel. Tell them, "The Lord, the God of your ancestors—the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob—has appeared to me. He told me,
4 'I have been watching closely, and
4 I see how the Egyptians are treating you.
4 I have promised to rescue you from your oppression in Egypt.
4 I will lead you to a land flowing with milk and honey. . . ' " (Exodus 3:16, 17)

I cannot promise that your prodigal child will soon come home in repentance or that your husband will return or your abuser will die. I cannot say that money will suddenly appear, as if by magic. I cannot assure you that you or your loved one will recover from the illness that is draining away life itself. I cannot say that after your loss things will soon be "normal" again. I cannot promise that your sorrowful regrets will just go away.

But this I do know and can assure you: God has heard your cries of distress. He is aware of your suffering. He has been watching closely and when the time is right, He will come to rescue you.

Rescue did not happen overnight for the Israelites, and it did not even happen in a way that they relished so much! But God kept His covenant promise with them, and He will keep it with you too. The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them." (Psalm 91:14, 15)

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long?

Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?

Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

Refrain:
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

--Frank E. Graeff, 1901

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Words of "Does Jesus Care?" from http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/Does_Jesus_Care/

Affirmation

2010-01-27T17:21:00.004-06:00

All through elementary school and high school, I loved my teachers. They encouraged me and gave me interesting things to do when my assigned work was completed. I remember "writing a book," illustrated with pictures I had drawn or cut out of magazines. I was in the 8th grade, I think, and the story was a recap of the long historical poem "Evangeline" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. I was engrossed in that project for a long time, and so pleased with my finished work—because the teacher was pleased. I was not accustomed to such response. I realize now that she thought to create "busy work" for me, but in reality she was feeding a sensitive spirit and a busy, creative mind.

Mother Teresa declared that there is more hunger in this world for love and appreciation than there is for bread. She saw real, terrible hunger in Calcutta, and yet she saw a need for something more than food to sustain the human spirit. How do we get the affirmation we need?

One of the truths Jesus taught—I'll venture to say it is a spiritual principle—was "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:38) So what we want to receive, we must learn to give. "If you wish your merit to be known," an Oriental proverb says, "acknowledge that of other people." Too often, we fear if others receive notice or praise or reward, we will have to do without. That's not true! Affirmation, appreciation, encouragement, validation—these are "renewable resources" in the personal sense. It is not as though there is only so much of them in the world, and if someone gets a lot, you and I may not get what should come our way!

We sometimes mistakenly expect our affirmation and appreciation to come from those whom we choose. Ideally, perhaps, it would have been my own parents who encouraged my abilities. But they had little opportunity to identify them, and few resources to further their development. Jesus' words about receiving just as we have given say nothing about the source of our benefits. Those do not necessarily come as a direct return. They will likely come from another person, from God Himself, or even from our own sense of satisfaction, at another time, and in another place.

Sometimes we write for people who don't read or make music for people who don't listen. We cook for people who don't sit down to eat or rear children who turn out to be ungrateful. Well, we may be looking for appreciation from the wrong people! We might try somewhere else: sharing our story with a writing group, singing or playing our song to another person who makes music, creating that special dish for the folks at work, being the classroom mother who can be counted on. There's nothing wrong with wanting affirmation. We just have to learn where to look for it.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved

Quotations at http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Appreciation1.htm

A Quiet Place

2010-01-25T16:51:00.006-06:00

I am of the opinion that most women, maybe even all of them, need a quiet place somewhere. This is probably true for men as well, although we've been led to believe that men and women are as different as night and day (or Mars and Venus, if you will). However, I know more about women, so I'll share from the viewpoint of those I've known.

I personally know about "busy" and about "tired." I was a single mom with a full-time job who was also attending school and participating actively in my church. And yet most days, I managed to find a quiet time and place for thought and prayer, not because I was so wonderfully spiritual but because it was essential for my survival! I know other women, back then and now, who also are pulled in many directions by their responsibilities, and yet they keep a calm place in the center of themselves. One of the ways they do that is by making a literal "quiet place."

I was grounded in the belief that "daily devotions" were one of the primary acts of a real Christian. Furthermore, one ought to give the best part of the day to God; naturally, that would be morning. (This in spite of the fact that many people would have to confess that morning is not their personal best part of the day!) I was convinced that Bishop Ralph Cushman's poem was exactly right.

So I think I know the secret,
Learned through many a troubled way:
"You must meet God in the morning
If you want Him through the day."

Is that actually true? I no longer think so. Didn't Jesus promise that the Father would send the Holy Spirit who would always be with us and in us? And hasn't the Father sent Him? I do recognize the importance of our two-way communication with God; that is what supports and builds our relationship with Him. I also know that a morning time before we get busy or pulled into some tense situation can be a significant help. But to assume that God doesn't stay close to me if I haven't said "Good morning" is sadly limiting Him. With the respect due Dr. Cushman, I have to differ from his conclusion. Obviously, it worked for him, and many other wise and wonderful Christians who also used early morning hours to pray and study and write their best-seller books. But there are still many others who have not been able to make that work in their lives.

One summer, I assisted in an orphanage, mothering several babies and toddlers. Young and inexperienced, I was simply overwhelmed with the responsibilities. When night came, I crashed wearily into bed. "I am so ashamed," I confessed to God. "I haven't even thought about You all day." A sense of comfort came over me as I remembered Jesus' words to His disciples, "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me . . . If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love." (John 15:4, 10 KJV) It is as simple—and also as urgent—as staying connected. That is not the same for every woman, and often it is not the same for one woman at various stages of her life.

Ideally, busy women have a few moments at some time in their day to be alone and quiet, at least most days. This has proved to be important for the mental and emotional and spiritual well-being of a great many women over many generations. Susanna Wesley, mother of Charles and John, gave birth to nineteen babies, ten of whom lived to maturity. How did she ever find time to think and pray? Where could she find a quiet place? She had to create a time and a place. Sitting in her chair, she would flip the apron she was wearing up over her head, and the children knew they were not to disturb her while she was there!

But even if one has not found the quiet place, it is not wise or healthful or spiritual to live under condemnation for not being able to do so! Whatever it takes to keep a strong, vital connection to the Vine is what one needs to do, and all that one needs to do!

Marjorie

The lines of poetry above are part of a longer poem of Bishop Cushman's, which can be found at http://clergyresources.net/I%20met%20God%20in%20the%20Morning.htm

What Happens When Women Worry

2010-01-22T18:28:00.008-06:00

Today I came across an old book that I have had for a long time. Over thirty years ago, a Christian woman wrote, "What Happens When Women Pray"—not a question, but a statement. It has gone into many editions; there are over two million in print. She outlines some of the basic concepts of prayer and how God answers. Seeing the title again brought to mind an opposing thought: what happens when women worry.
Living in a constant state of worry can trigger a host of physical reactions. In long-ago times, the "fight or flight" response protected our ancestors from wild animals and unfriendly humans. In ordinary, daily life we don't face those dangers, but our body doesn't know that. When subjected to continued intense anxiety, it prepares for a genuine threat. The nervous system releases stress hormones to boost the body's fuel levels—but if the constant inrush of fuel is not needed for physical activity like fighting or running away (or used in purposeful exercise), it can create health problems.

The fast heartbeat, dry mouth, trembling or weakness that one may experience after a scare can become commonplace to the chronic worrier. Dizziness, muscle tension and aches, shortness of breath or difficulty swallowing, headaches, and nausea may also occur. Eventually, there could be serious physical consequences including suppression of the immune system, digestive disorders, premature coronary artery disease, and heart attack.

Worry, some wise person has said, is a cycle of inefficient thought whirling around a center of fear. If you are a worrier, your doctor might suggest some lifestyle changes, telling you to exercise and to eat a healthful diet, cut down on caffeine and learn to relax—all of which can be very helpful. You might also consider dealing with those two things that constitute so much of our worry: inefficient thought and fear.

How about sitting down to give careful thought to the worrisome situation:
4First, is it my responsibility?
4Am I able to do anything about it?
4Will anything change if I continue to fret?
4On the contrary, what might possibly happen if I pray?

And then consider that pivotal fear:
4Is the perceived danger present and real?
4What is likely to happen if I take action based on my feeling of fear?
4But what could happen if I act on my knowledge that God is bigger than anything?

What happens when women worry? Not much that is helpful. But perhaps they eventually see Jesus' truth. "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things [what to eat and what to wear], but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:30-34 MSG)

Marjorie

Physiological information from http://www.webmd.com/balance/how-worrying-affects-your-body Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Having a Nervous Breakthrough

2010-01-13T18:25:00.002-06:00

Although it is not a clinical term that medical professionals use, most laypeople understand what is meant when we speak of having "a nervous breakdown." We use that expression to describe the state of a person who is so severely and persistently distraught that he or she is unable to function normally. Put very simply, it could be defined as one type of "system overload."

Whenever systems are overloaded, problems develop and symptoms of the excess burden present themselves. The car overheats, the electric power has a brown-out, the water pipe starts to leak, the computer "freezes." Or in the case of our bodies, very strong psychological experience(s) may overwhelm the circuitry of mind, emotions, spirit, and will. Then the individual is unable to cope effectively, at least temporarily, with life.

Sometimes people feel depressed or burned-out or restless. They can't sleep or they sleep too much, can't eat or eat too much. They can't concentrate, can't make decisions. They cry all the time. When I hear someone relate these symptoms, I am reminded of David. If you read the Psalms as a personal journal, you will find that he had some extreme lows, full of despair. But if you read on, you see that these times were followed by confident assertions about God's mercy and exultant praise for His goodness.

The expression isn't new, but I ran across it the other day for the first time: "Having a nervous breakthrough." It too describes a state of our being, having little or nothing to do with the nervous system, just as nervous breakdown has little or none. It is the return to healthy working of the systems, enabling the user (one of us) to resume living our ordinary life. The "breakdown" did not happen overnight, nor is the "breakthrough" apt to occur suddenly. Often it takes some time; it may require some help. The car may need a mechanic's hand; you may have to call a plumber about the leak. The internal "break" may call for a counselor, or a visit to a medical professional, or just getting out of a bruising routine for some real rest.

Just because these two terms—breakdown and breakthrough—are not medical terms does not mean they aren't real. Their presence signals the need for some attention, just as do the overheated car and the leaking water pipe.

Marjorie

Uninvited Guests

2010-01-12T18:40:00.001-06:00

It may come as a surprise to the just-married when they find that they are not alone in their new home. Those who are contemplating marriage (or re-marriage) would do well to recognize that it's likely someone is going to be sharing their living space, at least for awhile. These uninvited personalities make their presence felt at the most inappropriate times—during otherwise pleasant dinner-table conversation, while sharing ordinary household tasks, even in the tenderest intimacies of the bedroom.

Nor is it only in marriage that we find these interlopers. They hound us at work, they follow us into the grocery store, they may even attend church when we do. There is no place where we are safe from the uncomfortable or downright disturbing presence of these uninvited guests.

Well, who are these rude folks? They are not, as one might suppose, his children or hers from an earlier relationship nor an aging or ill parent who must have care. Those situations are certainly not easy, but one can cope with them by making some house rules, putting locks on doors, or creating some trade-offs. These intruders are not private investigators sent to your workplace, spies secretly checking out your marketing habits, or evil entities of some sort trying to distract you from worship. As a matter of fact, they are not even real people. They are but shadows of real people—perhaps the authority figures of your childhood, or your partner in a former marriage, somebody you knew long ago and couldn't trust, or even the fantasy, larger-than-life figure of yourself as the perfect mate or the ideal employee.

These intruders are difficult to deal with, being, as they are, so sly and elusive. It is not necessary for them to batter their way in for they come through closed doors anyway, floating unbidden into the situations of ordinary life. They do not ask permission to enter the present; they just arrive and wait to be accepted.

And therein is the key. It is our recognition—over and over again, if it takes that—that makes them slink away. When your husband gets surly because you've repeated your request to take care of some chore, he very possibly is not responding to you, but to his mother or his fifth grade teacher, or to some other person you don't even know and who he himself doesn't realize has come back. When the boss seems gruff, you may react as though you were being scolded by a parent or coach or some former authority with whom you had a run-in. And keep in mind, he or she may be acting out of some past scenario as well. It gets complicated!

There are usually enough difficult people in the world around us that we hardly need to accept the uninvited ones from the past! The better we are able to recognize these shadowy persons for who they are, the better we can make appropriate responses to the real people in our lives.

Marjorie

Walking Behind

2010-01-08T14:38:00.003-06:00

Just as happens with other social expectations, the role that women (wives, in particular) are required to assume tends to swing from one side to the other. Since very early times, women have been considered a creative source of life; they do bear children, after all. Historically, however, they have also been considered intellectually inferior to men and a major source of temptation to evil. In fact, Roman law declared women were but children and always subject to men.

We would like to think that Jesus changed all of that since He obviously respected women, extending courtesy and personal dignity to them. While it is true that the Bible (and the writings of other major religions too, for that matter) teach equality, men do not always see that balance as part of their spiritual obligation. Unfortunately early Christian theology perpetuated the discriminatory views. St. Jerome, a 4th century Latin church father, declared woman, among other derogatory descriptions, "a perilous object." Some centuries later, Thomas Aquinas, a Christian theologian, recognized woman's role as a helpmeet and necessary for conception, but said that "for other purposes, man would be better assisted by other men."

The attitude toward women in the East was at first more favorable, but evolving religious restrictions eventually required obedience of women toward men. They could not own property, and widows could not remarry. Women had to walk behind their husbands. This is still true in some cultures today, although I want to make it clear that this is not law now, nor is it demanded by religious beliefs. It is the custom carried over, not easily relinquished, from earlier times.

You would not expect to find this true in places where it has never been required, but here it is. Although far from the terrible abuse some wives suffer from their "devoutly Christian" husbands, one little measure of disrespect never fails to make me uncomfortable when I observe it, which is fairly often: Women walking several feet behind the men accompanying them.

Granted, perhaps he is taller and has a hard time fitting his pace to the smaller steps she takes. Even if her height is similar, though, that does not mean her legs are as long as his. (A torso of average length can be equipped with short limbs. I happen to know this!) But where is his common courtesy? Wife, friend, or co-worker—must she always be in an uncomfortable hurry to keep up?

Furthermore, I wonder if this may speak of how important the fellow assumes he is. Impatient to be about the "real business," he ignores some critical interpersonal business. Fifteen seconds in his time of arrival will make that much difference? If he comes in first, does that make him the main feature? Must she always have to appear to be slow or lagging behind?

Or in the case of the conservative church-going couple, does he outpace her to demonstrate to observers that he is the leader in his household? (This would be appropriate if they were confronting danger like lions or landmines, but is unnecessary in ordinary circumstances, I think.) Does it indicate that a domestic spat has occurred? Or that one is brewing? To be fair, I've seen angry women stalking off too, leaving a puzzled man in their wake.

Mostly, we may just be unaware of how much this one telling little action can tell. Think about it!

Marjorie

"I'm Here"

2010-01-05T18:06:00.002-06:00

Forty years or so ago, an author of books for young people (Judy Blume) titled one of her stories, "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret." That title came to mind today when I was thinking about whether or not God answers the prayers of those who aren't committed to serving Him.

Understandably, there is not consensus among non-believers, believers, and even scholars. Personally, I grew up believing that the only prayer God could hear from a sinner was "the sinner's prayer"—that is, "I am a sinner. I believe that Jesus died for my sins and I now receive Him as my Savior." That is what my religious instructors taught, and so that is what I believed. I am less sure of that now that I understand God is very much bigger than I thought!

Yes, there are Scriptures to argue for only "children of God" getting their prayers through. The blind man whom Jesus had healed declared, "Now we know God does not hear sinners, but only those who worship God and do His will." (John 9:31) The blind man, however, was simply making an argument against calling Jesus a sinner on the basis of the healing He had done on the Sabbath. He was not making a theological statement or attempting to teach those who were present.

Isaiah speaks of the sin issue too, as does the Psalmist. "Behold, the LORD’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear." "If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear. But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to the voice of my prayer. (Isaiah 59:1, 2; Psalm 66:18, 19 NKJV) There is a condition here that should not be ignored: these were God's own people. He needed to make clear that withholding blessing from them was, or would be, the consequence of dishonoring Him before those around them. To enjoy His favor while living in open sin would send the message that right relationship to God is of little concern.

Does God answer the prayer of sinners when they ask for protection, provision, or other kinds of help? It's hard to say. Countless stories assure us that some wonderful things do happen that are hard to explain in any other way. We know that "the Lord is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. The Lord is good to everyone. He showers compassion on all his creation." (Psalm 145:8, 9 NLT) And ”he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike." Matthew 5:45 NLT) Did the righteous farmer get his prayers answered while the unrighteous farmer couldn't expect anything and just had to take what came? I guess only God knows. And He is the one who gets to decide.

I like to encourage people wherever I meet them to pray. Sam Shoemaker, who had significant spiritual impact on Alcoholics Anonymous and who founded the Faith at Work organization, tells of dealing with a desperate man who admitted he didn't believe in God and certainly didn't know how to pray. The Rev. Shoemaker asked him to try this experiment (on a regular basis): First, get down on your knees and say whatever comes to mind, addressing your thoughts to "The Unknown." Secondly, read a chapter from the book of John in the Bible.

Out of respect for the man of God, the inquirer obliged, albeit reluctantly. After awhile, the man found he was actually praying to God and he was reading the Bible on his own. At last he had to admit that "something" was helping him; he eventually became a Christian believer and a leader in the church. This was simply because, Shoemaker says, faith came in "when there was an opening for God to get through."

I would not want to limit God in the creative ways He uses to woo the hearts of those who need somebody on their side.

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret—or Jennifer or Emily or Madison.
Yes, I'm here.

Marjorie

Scripture marked NKJV taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Acting As If

2010-01-04T19:18:00.004-06:00

The Rev. Samuel M. Shoemaker gets credit for originating the "Act As If" practice that is popular in Alcoholics Anonymous and other Twelve Step programs. The principles of those steps grew out of the Oxford Group based at Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City where Shoemaker was Rector of the Church and spiritual leader of the Oxford Group. It is he who provided the early inspiration for the spiritual aspects of twelve-step programs, and began using the phrase, "act as if" about 1954. Some naysayers insist that "acting as if" is deceiving oneself, putting on a front for others, or even lying!

I think, however, it comes down to the matter of motive. If we are trying to convince ourselves that we are a superior being, yes, that is deception. If we intend to trick others into believing that we are something that we are not, yes, that is lying. However, affirming what we believe and hope for and beginning to act on it strengthens our belief and hope.

Acting as if does not mean writing checks as if I have money in the bank when I do not.
Acting as if does not mean feigning calm as if I cannot feel hurt or disappointment or anger. Acting as if does not mean working day and night as if I need no rest or self-care.

Acting as if is facing reality and responding appropriately.
Acting as if is intentional in cultivating healthy relationships.
Acting as if is assertive (neither passive nor aggressive) personal behavior.
Acting as if means beginning now to take the action or speak the words I would if I were already the person I want to become!

How would you act if you were not shy, or ashamed, or afraid? Act as if you are not.

How would a self-confident, interesting person act? How would a person act who respected others and herself/himself? Start acting that way.

How would a woman act who believed God valued her and had Divine purpose for her life? Act like her.

Acting as if is decisive. Acting as if involves action based on more than feeling. Acting as if purposes to align us with what is true.

Marjorie

Forgive

2009-12-29T18:20:00.002-06:00

If I had but a single word to share for my friends and myself to carry into the New Year, it would be "forgive."

FORGIVENESS opens the way to freedom from my own guilt. "In prayer there
is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness
from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your
part, you cut yourself off from God's part." (Matthew 6:14, 15
MSG)

FORGIVENESS reminds me of my own pardon and redemption. "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32 NASB)

FORGIVENESS unclutters the channel for God's blessing. “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate." "Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it." (Luke 6:35, 36; I Peter 3:9 NLT)

FORGIVENESS demonstrates trust in God's process of justice. "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." "Romans 12:19, 20 NIV)

FORGIVENESS makes reconciliation a possibility. "If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love." (Matthew 18:15-17 MSG)

FORGIVENESS enables those around me to benefit from my wholesome attitude. "Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” (Hebrews 12:14, 15 NLT)

FORGIVENESS leaves my mind free for productive thinking. "Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts." (Colossians 3:12-16 NLT)

The following prayer has long been attributed to the 13th century saint, Francis of Assisi, although in its present form it can be traced back only to 1912, when it appeared anonymously in a French publication.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

Marjorie

Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture marked NASB is from the New American Standard Bible, used by permission of The Lockman Foundation, www.lockman.org Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Holiday Expectations

2009-12-26T15:26:00.001-06:00

Did Christmas meet your expectations? I'm not asking if you got the new electronic thingamajig you wanted or the book you've been eager to read. The days right after Christmas may be something of a letdown. You've had too much to eat, you're too tired to exchange the robe that doesn't fit, and the company has gone home—or maybe they haven't and that's part of the problem!

Even though we are serious about celebrating the true reason for the season, we sometimes fantasize how an anticipated occasion is going to play out. We imagine the holiday that songs and stories are made of, and reality does not always measure up—not necessarily that anything bad happened. There were no arguments among the adults, no tearful fusses by the children, no burned or underdone entrees. Instead of glorying in how well everything went, we are vaguely uncomfortable.

It's helpful if we recognize that this is pretty normal, not just in regard to holidays, but also to vacations, a change in jobs, a different car, even a new baby! Our dreams are totally controllable and we can make things happen exactly as we wish, whereas real life is tricky. Anticipation is often greater than realization.

Don't let the day-after blahs drain away the goodness of the holidays. In retrospect, probably a fine time was had by all!

Marjorie

Has God Forgotten?

2009-12-23T20:44:00.005-06:00

In the 6th century B.C., in three different deportations, the Jewish people were taken captive and exiled in a foreign land. What about God's promise that a king from David's line would sit on the throne forever? To those people, it surely must have looked sometimes like God had gone back on His word. The dire predictions of the prophets who spoke for God during that time must have alarmed the faithful few among the many idol worshippers. "Where is God? Is His promise true or not? Has He forgotten us?"

What they could not see, nor could the prophets who spoke of redemption understand, was that the Messiah King would come, hundreds of years later. It was He Who would sit on the throne eternally. He would be the fulfillment of all the promises, He would speak to all the disappointment, He would prove that God had not forgotten.

"Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will he never again be kind to me? Is his unfailing love gone forever? Have his promises permanently failed? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he slammed the door on his compassion?" (Psalm 77:7-9) It is not unusual for even the most committed Christian to go through a dark time when, like the captive Israelites or the dispirited psalm-singer, he/she might wonder, "Has God forgotten?" The mind knows, of course, that He has not, but the heart is still anxious. Charles H. Spurgeon, the great preacher from more than a century ago, spoke at length on these questions, and I have extracted some of his statements. (The entire sermon can be found at http://www.spurgeongems.org/vols31-33/chs1843.pdf)

Has God forgotten to be gracious? Then He has forgotten an old, long, ancient,
yes—eternal habit of His heart! Have you not heard that His mercy endures forever? Since His creation has He not, in Providence, always been gracious? Is not His rule to open His hands and supply the need of every living thing? Did He not give His Son to redeem mankind? Has He not sent His Spirit to turn men from darkness to light? After having been gracious all these myriads of ages, after having manifested His love and His grace at such a costly rate, has He forgotten it?

Has God forgotten to be gracious? Why then, He must have forgotten His purpose! Have you not heard that before the earth was, He purposed to redeem unto Himself a people who should be His own chosen, His children, His peculiar treasure, a people near unto Him? Before He made the heavens and the earth, had He not planned in His own mind that He would manifest the fullness of His Grace toward His people in Christ Jesus? And do you think that He has turned from His eternal purpose, torn up His Divine decrees, burned the Book of Life and changed the whole course of His operations among the sons of men?

Has God forgotten to be gracious? Why then, He must have forgotten His own Covenant. Is it not called a Covenant of Grace? Is not grace the spirit and tenor of it? [The Lord declared, "If you can break my covenant with the day and the night so that one does not follow the other, only then will my covenant with my servant David be broken."] The Lord has not forgotten His Covenant with day and night; neither will He cast off His believing people!

More than that, when you say, "Has God forgotten to be gracious?" do you not forget that in such a case He must have forgotten His own Glory, for the main of His Glory lies in His grace. Does a man forget his honor? Does a man turn aside from his own name and fame? He may do so in a moment of madness, but the thrice holy God has not forgotten the Glory of His name, nor forgotten to be gracious!

If God has forgotten to be gracious, then He must have forgotten His own Son! He must have forgotten Calvary and the expiatory Sacrifice offered there! He must have forgotten Him that is always with Him at His right hand, making intercession for transgressors! Can you conceive of that? Yet it must be that He has forgotten His own Son if He has forgotten to be gracious!
Once more, if this were the case, the Lord must have forgotten His own Self, for Grace is of the essence of His Nature, since God is Love. We forget ourselves and disgrace ourselves, but God cannot do so. That the great Lord who has taken us to be His peculiar heritage and His jewels should cease to value us and forget to be gracious to us is impossibility!

I think I hear someone say, "I do not think that God has forgotten to be gracious except to me.” Does God make any exceptions? The Good Shepherd does not preserve some of His sheep, but all of them! And it is not concerning the strong ones of His flock that He says, "I give unto My sheep eternal life and they shall never perish"—He has said it of all the sheep, yes, and of the smallest lamb of all the flock, of the most scabbed and wounded, of all that He has purchased with His blood! The Lord has not forgotten Himself in any one instance—but He is faithful to all believers.

You may be alone or broke or broken-hearted. You may be stuck in a situation that seems hopeless or caught up in a problem that has, as far as you can tell, no solution . You may be weary or angry or afraid. You may be many things, but you are not forgotten. One day, just as He did with coming of Jesus to Israel, He will fulfill His promises, He will speak to your disappointment, He will prove that He has not forgotten.

Has God forgotten to be gracious? No.

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

No Room

2009-12-22T20:40:00.004-06:00

Most of us are familiar with the circumstances of Jesus' birth. Mary swaddled her newborn son and laid Him in a feed trough, because there was no room for them in the inn. "No room for you." I feel sure that you or someone around you knows what it is like to hear those words or feel them in your heart.

Perhaps you were an unexpected or even unwanted baby, and you became aware, even as a tiny child, that there was "no room for me here." Or perhaps there were insufficient resources to care for the family adequately, and you felt the anxiety of your elders in the only way you could understand, that is, "There's no room for me here."

Perhaps you were not as pretty or as strong or as smart or as easy-going or whatever—as your siblings or your cousins or your classmates. You were seldom chosen first, and almost always last. You began to think, "I'm not good enough. There's no room for me here."

As a child or as an adult, you may have been abused—physically, emotionally, or sexually—by those who were supposed to care for your well-being. That was certainly enough to convince you, "There's no room for me here."

You may have had some disability that prevented you from participating in life as you would have liked—or the attitude of others kept you from overcoming those disadvantages and participating fully in spite of them. "I'm different. There's no room for me here."

Perhaps you have suffered economically for any of a number of reasons. You don't have the clothes or the car or the house or the education that others around you enjoy and you have begun to think, "I don't fit in. There's no room for me here."

Your relationships may have been difficult, resulting in rejection and brokenness and loss. "There's no room for me here. Face it, there's probably no room for me anywhere."

Let me assure you, Jesus knows about "no room." Although He could not have been aware of the over-crowded inn, throughout His lifetime there were always those who pushed Him aside. "There's no room for you here."

· He came to His own, and they did not receive Him. (see John 1:11)
· He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. (see Isaiah 53:3)
· He wept, "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks beneath her wings to protect them--but you wouldn’t let me." (see Luke 13:34)
· Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests and asked, “How much will you pay me to betray Jesus to you?” And they gave him thirty pieces of silver. From then on, Judas began looking for an opportunity to hand Jesus over to them. (see Matthew 26:14-16)
· When the rooster crowed [during Jesus' trial], Peter remembered the words Jesus had spoken to him, "Before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me." And Peter went out and wept bitterly. (see Matthew 26:75)

Jesus knows the feeling of not belonging, of being left out, of knowing that there's no room. You can entrust your heart to Him, for "whoever comes to me I will never drive away." (John 6:37 NIV) Because He came as our Savior-Mediator-Friend, there is now room.

Yes, there is room for you.

Marjorie

My Dearest Friends

2009-12-12T15:01:00.001-06:00

"Dearest . . ."

In the middle of the night recently, I awakened to that clear word in my mind. I am not a mystic, given to dreams and visions, but it did occur to me that maybe that thought was from God. It seemed like something He would do—a whispered word to assure me of His comforting presence.

I began to think about that word, and how we use it. We evaluate persons or things and declare that this one or that is more precious than others. To us, "dearest" is all about making comparisons. But God's love is unlike ours, which can change and fail. To Him, "dearest" does not mean "I love you more than I love others" but rather, "I could not possibly love you more!" Jesus said to His followers, "People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things [daily needs], but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. (Luke 12:29)

Sometimes circumstances in our lives have a way of making us feel unlovely and unloved. Past experiences, even in childhood, may have caused these uncertainties. Relationships that meant rejection—either real or imagined—create or support the belief that we are unworthy of being "dearest" to anyone. Unfortunately, sometimes even religious instruction carries the message that we are worthless. Undeserving of grace, yes, but not worthless. Just because Job, and David too, in his extreme circumstances felt like a worm, that does not mean that I am, in fact, a worm and that God considers His human creation as such!

We are His precious possession, His dearest!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Christmas Won't Be the Same

2009-12-11T16:16:00.000-06:00

Some of my readers will have experienced loss this past year, and they may be saying, "Christmas will not be the same this year." Among my friends and even in my own family, we know that "Christmas won't be the same." We talk about and sing about "home for Christmas," but changes can come that mean home is not what it once was. A parent is gone now, a spouse, or sibling, or child. For many people in this tough economic climate, even the home itself has been lost.

Remembering the "before" is inevitable. It may help if we recognize ahead of time that certain words or rituals will trigger old feelings—sorrow, loss, regret, bittersweet commemoration. It's possible for anger and disappointment to be there as well. Some of these are emotions are to be expected; some may sneak up on us. Tears may come. There is no need to hide them. (You have my permission to let them flow.)

Sometimes a new tradition helps us focus on what we have now instead of what is missing. Don't be afraid to make changes in "what we've always done." On the other hand, there's no need to discard all the established traditions of the Christmas past simply because some of the present circumstances are different; a lot of things are still the same.

For a few women, a look at reality can be helpful. The first Christmas of my single-momhood, I lamented silently, "Look at me! I'm all alone and life is hard. How can I have a happy Christmas?" I was pulled up short by the thought, "And just how many happy Christmases did you have before you were alone?"

In our uncertain world and our changing lives, there is one constant. "Change and decay in all around I see; O Thou who changest not, abide with me!" (Henry F. Lyte, 1847) Everything's different now—and nothing has changed.

Marjorie

Follow the Gleam

2009-12-03T16:52:00.003-06:00

Several days ago, a few chance words brought to my mind an old song that I learned in my teen years. It has inspirational words and eminently singable harmonies. We sang it quite earnestly in a high school activity period where girls could join a Y-Teen club affiliated with the YWCA. So, as such things go, I have been humming it over and over—and over and over again!—since then.

The first verse of "Follow the Gleam" speaks of knights and visions and searching for the Holy Grail. (No vampires and paranormal romance for us!) But I especially like the second verse:

And we who would serve the King,
And loyally Him obey,
In the consecrate silence know,
That the challenge still holds today.
Follow, follow, follow the gleam,
Standards of worth, o'er all the earth,
Follow, follow, follow the gleam,
Of the light that shall bring the dawn
~Helen Hill Miller, 1920

Not every light that I've encountered along my life's road has been clear and unmistakable. Some lights have been dim, often barely discernible, but because their small rays were so persistent, I could not ignore them. It took me a long time to find the right, satisfying career—I had to follow a gleam. I've made some sad mistakes while searching for the meaning of real love and genuine selfhood—but I've followed the gleam. I spent many years trying to make sense of my spiritual heritage—I am still following the gleam.

Too often, we mistakenly suppose that we will at some point late in life have the answers to "life's persistent questions." Not so. Most likely, answers to the most crucial questions will come at first as a faint understanding, a glimmer of light. Don't be discouraged. Follow it. "The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day." (Proverbs 4:18)

Marjorie

Scripture quotation from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Children Seen and Not Heard

2009-11-28T15:51:00.001-06:00

In a department store one day, I heard a man bark to the corps of small children around him, "Children—" It was said with such authority that if there had been other children within twenty feet, they would have run to him obediently too. The youngsters were without question quiet and well-behaved. Why did I feel a vague sense of discomfort? It was something in the tone of his voice, and the palpable apprehension of his children.

I felt something else too. Where had I heard that commanding tone before? Oh yes, Captain von Trapp in the "Sound of Music" who ordered his children about in military fashion with little love and no grace at all. I didn't know the man in the store—nor did I want to.

Another father—this one I knew—snapped his fingers and beckoned sternly for his children to fall in at his side. He was proud of their disciplined obedience. And I would have been too. Of my dog.

A couple of generations ago, when my parents were children, they were sort of non-persons. "Children should be seen and not heard," was the prevailing attitude, coming probably out of the fifteenth century in England and applying specifically to young women! Many children of my generation, especially in conservative communities, experienced the same restriction in our homes. I wonder why? We were loved, I am sure, but somehow positive interaction, especially in public, was not the norm. Certainly, children must learn appropriate social behavior, but that is not acquired in a vacuum; real-life practice is the better way and it needs to begin early. Just because we see some children and young people who are badly behaved, we should not expect to limit communication and deny the privilege of choice to all!

Fortunately by the time I was rearing a family, many of us had learned there are approaches other than "Children should not be heard." My very young daughter and I were eating in a restaurant once, seated where we could see another family nearby. She said to me in surprise, "Look Mama, they're not talking!" This was strange to her, because while we ate, we always chatted about the things that had happened during the day, or the plans we were making. Sometimes school lunch rooms do have an "Eat silently" rule because there are just so many children, but when a family meal includes no conversation, she thought there must be something wrong! (And indeed, there may have been.) I now see the benefit in her own children who are at ease when carrying on conversation with an adult, but without being excessively noisy and intrusive or whiny and argumentative.

Will children who are allowed to express themselves misbehave sometimes? Of course. Will they embarrass us sometimes? Oh my, yes! But consider the alternative. I have to wonder about those children who are silenced all the while they are growing up. As adults, especially young women, will they know that they have worthwhile opinions? Will they trust their own judgment? Will they be able to express themselves clearly and courteously? Will they understand that manipulating and controlling other people is unfair? Will they respect one another? After all, children learn what they live. And then, later, they live what they have learned.

Marjorie

A Helper

2009-11-23T18:41:00.002-06:00

If it were not for the King James Bible, we probably wouldn't even have the word some people have chosen to use as the description of woman's place in the world. "And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.' " (Genesis 2:18) And I wouldn't have just read a book called "Created to Be His Help Meet." The author, Debi Pearl, and her husband have founded a ministry on their interpretation of Scriptures having to do with family and home. I read a great many different types of books: for education, enlightenment, edification, and entertainment. It necessarily follows that I'll run across those with which I cannot agree. This book is just such a book.

First of all, "help meet" is not a term God used for the woman He planned to make, and it is something of a mistake to call her that. This is more than mere semantics. "Meet," usually a verb, takes the form here of a modifier to describe the kind of help: one that was suitable for him, comparable to him, an appropriate counterpart. I am not a Hebrew scholar, but my reference books indicate that the word used implies similitude. She would be like him. Adam had just finished naming all the animals—quite a task!—and he surely must have noted that all the living creatures had company with others that were similar, if not completely alike, in nature and habits. He alone was without a companion. He apparently was ready for verbal communication, calling out the name of each kind of animal, but they did not answer. We can assume that none had the power of speech except the Satan-serpent who was superior to all the rest. Eve was made "for" Adam for the same reason Adam was formed by God for Himself—for relationship. Although made from Adam's side, she too was in God's image.

The author says women are not partners with their husbands but were created to serve and satisfy him, and "God's ultimate goal for you is to meet your man's needs." In her role as a Titus 2 woman (the older women teaching the younger to love their husbands, be keepers at home, etc.), she lays out for women everywhere her description of a help meet, accompanied by Scriptures which, if followed, will assure a "glorious marriage." Apparently, when some women read this book, a fire is lighted in their hearts and they say, "Oh yes, I see! This is my calling!" If that is how one understands Scripture and the whole of God's plan—not just Genesis—then that is what she should live out. Serving a man does perhaps suit the gifts and temperaments of some women—and the men married to them.

But I submit that when others read, a different kind of fire is lighted in them and they say, "This is not us." (Note: not just me, but us.) Both readers are right. If both follow the path God has laid out for them, they do not need to make a pronouncement that encompasses every woman everywhere in every era. As I see it, the whole submission/silence/obedience issue is laid out along a continuum. It extends all the way from the non-person who is subsumed by her husband and the woman who lets herself be abused because she has no rights in her own personhood to the couple who see themselves as equals more alike than different, as true partners and companions. It is not up to me to decide where somebody else should be on that line of many points, and certainly not to declare that The Plan of God for Marriage looks the same for everybody.

The Proverbs 31 woman, long held as the ideal, probably nowadays is not seeking wool and flax for spinning; she does not dress in fine linen and purple, nor make garments and sashes to sell. Not having any maidservants, it is not necessary for her to make provision for them. She is not likely to be into real estate, buying and selling fields and vineyards. Those who hold this Scripture up as the standard will explain that we are not to take this old description literally, but are to use the principles therein. My point exactly. The wife may be a teacher or a waitress or a bank president, with a husband who is proud of her achievements and influence. He is not necessarily active in city government either; in fact, he may be the at-home parent with a grateful, wage-earning wife. I know a number of women who have/had a ministry calling even before marriage, and the husband-to-be pledged a supporting role, financially and spiritually. This is not being weak or effeminate. He is protecting and providing for more than just the woman he is asking to marry him; he is charged with some of the responsibility for her effectiveness in ministry as well

The Apostle Paul admonished wives' obedience so that the Gospel would not be shamed, but that was then. Those who try to lay the template of masterful husband/obedient wife on today's society are more apt to bring discredit to the Gospel, I think, than the couple who genuinely care for each other's welfare and don't pay a whole lot of attention to who is being "served" at any given time. (I actually know people like that!) It is no small thing to be a help or "helper," whether it happens to be the husband or wife. The Holy Spirit is a Helper, yet nowhere is He pictured as a servant to us or beneath us in any way simply because He is our helper. It is just as mistaken to consider the helping woman an inferior being who was created solely to serve a husband—or by extension, men in general.

Marjorie

Red Flags

2009-11-14T15:34:00.000-06:00

A few nights ago, I drove through a part of the city where street repair is underway, carefully threading my way around barriers, warning signs, and caution lights. At one particularly dark section, I saw a driver who had missed a turn; his pickup truck and large trailer were off the road, stalled in an excavated area. The driver seemed to be all right, but I imagined that some time and expense were going to be involved in getting him safely back on his way: a visit from the police, a tow truck, maybe a visit to the ER to be sure he really was okay, some vehicle repair, and perhaps a call from the construction company.

We've all done it—failed to heed some warning sign of danger ahead in our life journey. Maybe we didn't see the sign, or seeing it, we did not understand what it meant. Maybe we didn't want to understand; we didn't want to be suspicious or overly cautious. Maybe we were just naïve. Whatever the reason, failing to heed the warning sign landed us in the ditch, so to speak. And then we lament, "If I had just gone with my first impression . . . "

One of the advantages we gain as we mature is the ability to pick up on warning signs. We recognize suspicious activity. We get an idea of how to tell when someone is misrepresenting their product or themselves. We accept that "when something is too good to be true, it usually is." We learn what the warning signs look like.

Unfortunately, not all people and events come with visible or audible warning signs. We have to rely on another kind of perception. We admit, "I just have a feeling . . ." This intuitiveness is not in the province of women alone. Maybe we ordinarily pay more attention to it because we're expected to. Or maybe not. Probably everyone has it to a greater or lesser degree, unconsciously relying on patterns we have experienced or observed but which we may not be aware of having classified and stored in our brain catalog. Learn to trust this instinct. We can be mistaken, of course, but more often than not, we'll be grateful we followed it.

God is a part of this perception too. Scripture relates the experiences of people who acted contrary to a reasoned-out manner because of a God-given dream or vision (Abraham, Jesus' adoptive father Joseph, the wise men, Pilate's wife, and many others), a inner knowing (the Apostle Paul, the Philadelphian church), or a sense that not everything was as it seemed (Jesus, Paul). Learn to trust this "discernment."

Following these red flags is not fool-proof. People make mistakes, sometimes very serious ones as in racial profiling—or gender profiling, or age profiling, or religious profiling, and the like. But on the smaller scale of our own personal lives and our day-to-day encounters, we will probably do well to go with our "gut feeling." It just may be a Gott-feeling (German for God).

Marjorie

A Crying Shame

2009-11-12T15:15:00.001-06:00

Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule.
It made the children laugh and play to see a lamb at school.

Poor Mary! Perhaps the teacher reproved her, "Mary, don't you know that you mustn't bring your pet lamb to school?"

Mary would have been respectful, not defending herself by explaining, "But I didn't bring her! She followed me."

Nevertheless, the teacher made the lamb stay outside, and throughout the day, whenever its little bleat was heard through the open windows, the children pointed at Mary and laughed. Mary sank far down into her seat, ashamed.

That's fiction, of course, but not unlike my experience as a very young student. My family was responsible for providing the milk for the school lunches prepared each day at our rural school. As we walked across the field one morning, carrying our jugs of milk, one of the barn kittens followed, intent upon having breakfast. All the way to school she pursued me, in spite of my tearful insistence that she go back home. Although I endured no scolding from the teacher, still I was thoroughly ashamed—as if there were anything I could have done differently. I remember the feeling to this day.

We can assuage guilt, the feeling we have when our actions are wrong. We make amends for these interpersonal wrongdoings by apologizing, making restitution, and changing our future interaction. But shame is not so easily handled; it strikes the very self when we are forced to think about what we see as our personal deficiencies. There are many: Our size, shape, personal attractiveness and sexuality. Our intelligence, skill, and ability to compete. Our dependence on something or someone, and our assessment of self-worth. Our fears about closeness and being seen and known, and the contrasting fears about being unlovable and alone.

There are also a number of other negative emotions that belong to the shame family. Embarrassment or even extreme self-consciousness might be our shame experience in a social setting, humiliation what we feel when we suffer a shaming attack by someone else, mortification as being "ashamed to death." These nuances of shame follow the exposure of something we wanted to keep to ourselves. And then sometimes we feel ashamed of feeling shame!

Unfortunately, we think shame is a powerful motivator toward good behavior and a detractor from bad. It sometimes begins when we are very young. "Look at this! You are a terrible dish washer." "Somebody with your brains should be making A's, not B's." (A camouflaged jab.) "If you're fat, the boys won't like you." It may continue throughout our lifetime. "Why don't you watch what you're doing?" (There is no possible answer to this question.) "You're telling me you didn't know that salesman was a crook?" "Any new hire could do this job better than you're doing it." If we are the one handing out the shame, we may assume that a healthy dose will correct the situation, and thereafter the other person will behave in a manner acceptable to us. We are mistaken.

If we are on the receiving end, we probably do realize that shame is not likely to produce positive results. Very often we are unable to handle realistically the information that has been given to us—whether true or not is beside the point—and take the steps necessary to repair our identity or reframe the image we have of ourselves. So we take the shame route.

* We may withdraw by turning away from the offending situation, hiding, acting shy, running away, or becoming silent.

* We may attack ourselves by demeaning and punishing ourselves to earn others' favor and avoid "abandonment." Sometimes it is wisdom to be deferential—"Yes, officer, I was speeding. I'll be more careful, sir"—but we need not put ourselves down as though everyone around us is much bigger and more powerful than we are.

* We may avoid the shaming, using anything we can to make the feeling go away without dealing with the causes. Shame tries to cover itself with undue pride about one's self and accomplishments; it is also soluble in alcohol and other chemicals.

* We may attack others, using anything we think will reduce their self-worth: put downs even under the guise of "joking," blame and contempt, malicious accusations whether or not they're true, physical abuse, and sexual mistreatment.

As I see it, shame is a very basic human problem. In the Garden of Eden, after having eaten of the forbidden tree, Adam and Eve had that experience. "At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” “Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:7-11)

Contrary to Freudian psychology, their shame was not the result of nakedness itself so much as the sudden (unpurposed) realization that their freedom had the potential for good or evil use. Only this knowledge, knowledge that God had not intended for them to have, made them feel ashamed and afraid. The descendants of these first parents, in all the centuries since then, have suffered the pain of shame and fear. It is part of the human condition, not easily escaped.

We feel safer when our "deficiencies" are exposed if we are protected by love and/or acceptance. On a purely human level, this is a great gift we can give each another. But the ultimate love and acceptance and the ultimate release from shame is part of God's redemptive plan. The shame that cannot be ignored or relieved by self-denigration, that cannot be bluffed away or compensated for, can be healed by pursuing the pathway of God's love. "Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame." (Isaiah 50:7) "Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth [your early history] and the sorrows of widowhood [inferring losses, unproductiveness, and reproach]." (Isaiah 54:4) We cannot escape being human, so we may not find a way around every shame-producing circumstance. Christ, however, exposed Himself to every form of human shame and is ready to show us the way through.

Marjorie

On my Finding the Faith Way blog, read some additional thoughts about Adam [here].
and "Things Mama Taught Me: Shame on You" [here].

An interesting discussion on shame is located at http://www.christiantherapist.com/online/news/ShameAndAffect.htm

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

After You Say "I Can't"

2009-10-31T19:19:00.003-05:00

Every once in awhile, I remind the class of adults that I teach on Sunday morning, that our time together is like a cafeteria. They can help themselves to whatever is good for them and leave the rest, but not to spit on something they don't like, because someone else will want it! I feel that way today as I write this post. Some readers will find it not applicable or perhaps even objectionable, but it is part of my job to "serve" it!

There are plenty of books, videos, and studies on after you say "I do," that is, take marriage vows. Some of these are from a specifically Christian viewpoint; others are written by secular counselors and others who just want to see marriages work.

What to Do After You Say I Do by Yvette Gavin
What to Do After You Say "I Do" by Marcus and Lori Goldman
Before and After You Say "I Do" by Perimeter Church and Randy Pope
After You Say I Do by Wes Roberts
Before (and After) We Say "I Do" by Nomi Whalen
After You Say "I Do" by H. Norman Wright

No one, as far as I can tell, has written a book on "After You Say I Can't." Yet there are many women—committed Christian women too—who are caught in situations that are not merely unhappy but also jeopardous to their wellbeing. They may have to say "I can't"—not because they are tired or disappointed or angry but because they should not continue as they are. Last winter, our church had several weeks of special concentration on prayer for congregational needs. Well over two hundred specific but anonymous requests were "nailed" to a huge wooden cross in front of the altar. Just short of ten percent of these were for troubled or broken marriages or for someone in or recovering from an abusive relationship.

I am not sure this is only a recent phenomenon. All through the years of my early Christian formation, I attended prayer meetings where people gave "unspoken requests." I thought at the time that a woman just didn't want to let everyone know that she had a painful ovarian cyst or that her hair was falling out. Now I understand that she may have been saying, "My husband is drinking too much" or "He slaps me sometimes."

I cannot agree with the idea of a covenant (a marriage) that must be kept regardless of what the other party does. Even God made conditions when He established a covenant relationship with His ancient followers. "If you listen to these regulations [the law given through Moses] and faithfully obey them, the Lord your God will keep his covenant of unfailing love with you, as he promised with an oath to your ancestors." (Deuteronomy 7:12 NLT) God said "If . . ." and some of the people eliminated themselves from the covenant. God does not look lightly on those who bash His plans. "And if I announce that I will plant and build up a certain nation or kingdom, but then that nation turns to evil and refuses to obey me, I will not bless it as I said I would." (Jeremiah 18:10, 11 NLT)

The new covenant in Christ has the same implications of faithful commitment. "But Jesus' priestly work far surpasses what these other priests do, since he's working from a far better plan. If the first plan—the old covenant—had worked out, a second wouldn't have been needed. But we know the first was found wanting, because God said, Heads up! The days are coming when I'll set up a new plan for dealing with Israel and Judah. I'll throw out the old plan I set up with their ancestors when I led them by the hand out of Egypt. They didn't keep their part of the bargain, so I looked away and let it go. This new plan I'm making with Israel isn't going to be written on paper, isn't going to be chiseled in stone; this time I'm writing out the plan in them, carving it on the lining of their hearts. I'll be their God, they'll be my people . . . They'll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean. By coming up with a new plan, a new covenant between God and his people, God put the old plan on the shelf. And there it stays, gathering dust." (Hebrews 8:6-13 MSG) And still, people every day are eliminating themselves from New Covenant blessings by simply choosing not to participate in it. Covenants have conditions.

What about the "sacred vows" we make? When weddings began, back in early Jewish history, they did not contain vows as we think of them today. The wedding contract was read or recited and that constituted the couple's promises to one another. Even before that, men just "took" wives; when they claimed young virgins, the fact was established. The vows with "love, cherish, and obey" (for the bride only!) date back to the 1500s, beginning with the Book of Common Prayer used by the Anglican Church. After nearly four hundred years, the Episcopal Church removed the word "obey" from the bride's part of the vows. "Obey" was often misunderstood anyway; it has no connection with one partner being subservient to the other. Coming from the Latin root word "audire," it means to listen and hear, and is related to our word "audience." The vows as we know them are simply tradition; there is no legal or Biblical requirement that they actually be exchanged in a wedding ceremony. We imply a mutual bond of trust—and wouldn't that include listening deeply?

So let's consider the ideal that many people hold: marriage is a covenant that cannot be broken. Certainly that is the ideal, but realistically we recognize that not everyone attains it. The divorce rate in the general population continues to hover around fifty percent; the rate in the Church is about the same. Many churches define narrowly the acceptable (and Scriptural, they say) reasons for divorce: sexual sin outside the marriage, and the desertion of a believing spouse by an unbelieving partner. Some would also include abandonment (literal or in spirit) by a partner living in such a state of unrepentant sin as cause him/her to be viewed as an unbeliever in the eyes of the Lord and the Church.

But "God hates divorce!" is the argument from the Scripture itself. Indeed He does, but we have usually failed to read the rest of the passage. "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel, 'and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,' says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith." (Malachi 2:15, 16 NIV)

Divorce is, of course, not the only option. "Genny's Story," which I shared earlier, addresses the issue. You can read that [here]. Don't say "I can't" too soon if your partner has indeed broken faith. You may very well want to know at some later point, if/when self-doubt arises, that you did everything you could. Feelings change, but what you have done does not. You'll be able to assure yourself, regardless of how you feel at that later time, that you did the best you could in this crisis of decision. Don't say "I can't" too soon, but when it must be said, say it.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotation marked NIV is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

I Was What I Was

2009-10-24T15:11:00.001-05:00

Memory is a powerful thing, greatly enhancing our present life by the rich experiences of our past, or complicating it by the difficulties that were part of our personal history. The trouble is, we tend to remember the wrong things. Studies show that the strong negative emotions surrounding an event are often clearer when recalled than the positive or neutral feelings that were part of the same event. This means that sometimes we must make a conscious effort to think on the things that are "true, honorable, right, and admirable." (Philippians 4:8)

Nearly everyone has things that bring some discomfort when we bring them to mind. The Apostle Paul asks the Roman church what they got out of the things of which they are now ashamed. The answer? Nothing. A dead end. (Romans 6:21) While I didn't have a particularly wild, sinful past that shames me, I certainly do have some things that are embarrassing to remember: a grave financial mistake, an unfortunate career decision, some entangling friendships. I feel humiliated if I begin to dwell on those blunders.

One of the problems facing the children of Israel as their story is related in the Old Testament was their inability or unwillingness to remember what God had done throughout their early history. "How quickly they forgot what he had done! They wouldn’t wait for his counsel! They forgot God, their savior, who had done such great things in Egypt—such wonderful things in the land of Ham, such awesome deeds at the Red Sea. The people refused to enter the pleasant land, for they wouldn’t believe his promise to care for them. Instead, they grumbled in their tents and refused to obey the Lord. (Psalm 106:13, 22-25 NLT)

We are not much different. We often self-centeredly focus on what we did and fail to remember God's great and wonderful things and awesome deeds. I am learning to look at my past with more grace for myself (as God in fact does!) Instead of lamenting the detours and long-way-around-mistakes I made, I am grateful for where He has brought me now. Of the past, I have to say, "I was what I was." This may sound lame; after all, it's pretty close to "It is what it is," which a recent poll shows as third place in the list of most annoying phrases. But it's true! I was who I was at that time with the understanding that I had then. Now I am becoming someone different. Life doesn't provide automatic "do-overs," but God will enable us to put aside the troubling past. We face it and deal with it, or we replace the unhappy memories with positive ones, or we choose to forget the things that no longer have real significance.

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Philippines 3:12-16 MSG)

Marjorie

Along this same line, read "I Didn't Know" and "What If I Make a Mistake?" on my Finding the Faith Way blog.

About the poll: It was conducted this month by the Marist Institute for Public Opinion, a highly-respected survey research center at Marist College in New York. Over the past thirty years, it has regularly measured public opinion at the local, state, and national level on politics, money, family, spirituality, mind and body, sports, entertainment, and much more. It is often cited by journalists and analysts around the globe.

Scripture quotation marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Making People Happy

2009-10-17T15:54:00.002-05:00

For a lot of years, I assumed I had the responsibility for making the people around me happy. Now I still think I'm obliged to seek their good, but I no longer believe that other folks' happiness rests on my shoulders.

Happiness is a very personal thing, and it comes from within more than from the outside. Some people are just always going to be unhappy, and nothing that you or I do is going to change that. They are expecting their circumstances and the people around them to furnish them with the good feelings they like to have. There are, of course, many external things that are pleasant and enjoyable, but those who are truly happy have discovered a better and more lasting source. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," and long before Lincoln's time, Aristotle (384-322 BC) declared "Happiness depends upon ourselves."

It is easy for women, especially those who are naturally inclined toward compassion and nurturing, to fall into a "care-taking" role for everybody. There will always be needy people around them who seem to have a special instinct for homing in on someone who will think for them, decide for them, and fill their emotional needs. The line of action for these dependent friends is making us feel that no one else can do for them what we can, that we are their greatest source of kindness, that we are the only person they know who's acting like a Christian, that they have no one else on whom they can count.

We may respond easily to this approach, because we do want to be kind, loving, and generous. We do want to be thoroughly Christian in our attitudes and actions. It makes us feel good if this needy one singles us out as this kind of champion. However, our motives have then become clouded with self-interest, and we cannot see as clearly as we might. Do you suppose there is some reason they have no other friends? In all likelihood, they have worn them out. If we allow it and unknowingly encourage it, they will do the very same to us.

How can we refuse when a friend, relative or even our own adult child asks pathetically, "But why won't you do this for me? . . . stay here with me? . . . drive me there? . . . let me borrow? . . . "We can say "You know, I just can't give you any more help with that than I have already given you. Why don't you call a . . . lawyer, counselor, banker, service-provider?" Even with youngsters who whine, "But why not?" we are not accountable for providing endless entertainment, infinite amounts of money, and privileges that are continually unaccompanied by any personal responsibility on their part. We may say, "I believe it wouldn't be good for you if I did that for you. Maybe you can try . . . "

Although we may think we will just go ahead and make the personal sacrifices regardless, what is likely to happen is that we will become weary of being used. We will begin to resent the demands and then feeling guilty about that, we mercilessly punish ourselves for our lack of charity. We may be angry at the person for the problem they have become to us, or we may be angry at ourselves for allowing them to continue. What we should have handled in firm but loving action has been turned in on ourselves. Read "Acting In" (here)

Re-think your relationships if everyone has chosen you, and your friends are not ones you have chosen—or would choose, if you had it to do over. Although we want to encourage rich and rewarding relationships, no one's happiness depends on you.

Marjorie

Acting In

2009-10-16T16:48:00.003-05:00

Distressed individuals—adults as well as children—are sometimes said to be "acting out" when their internal conflict or painful emotions are expressed in outward behavior that is unhealthy and defensive. Their actions may even be destructive or dangerous to themselves and others. At the very least, they are irritating, but correcting the situation is not always as simple as just suggesting or demanding that the behavior stop. Most often, the impulses are not conscious

Acting out may be expressed as anger: hurting someone (or an animal), breaking things, creating a scene, taking aggressive actions like road-rage incidents, using abusive language, blaming, and seeking a way to "get even." It may also take the form of fear: helplessness, over-dependence, anxiety.

"Acting in" has the same basis. It is hard for many women to acknowledge anger and deal with it. For those of us brought up more than a generation ago, it was verboten (forbidden) just because it was unsuitable for women—especially Christian women—to "get mad." Fear was not acceptable either and "nervous" women were scorned.

But these emotions have to go somewhere. If release is not permitted in healthy outward ways—more about that later—they will get stored internally. Anger or fear turned inward on oneself can do all kinds of damage including:

- Obsessive thinking about the painful situation
- Trouble eating or sleeping
- Overeating or sleeping too much
- Depression
- Irritability, crying
- Physical illness
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering
- Inability to function

There is no one sure-fire way of dealing with the strong feelings of rage or anxiety that accompany deep conflict, but many people find that it is helpful to let the body express that emotion. One may write a letter—to be mailed or not—to the person responsible for her hurt. Or she can personalize her emotion and write a letter or speak to an empty chair what she is feeling. ("Well, Betrayal or Grief or Disaster, you found me didn't you?") You can hit a tennis ball or pound a pillow. You can express yourself in music or art. We have to find some way to calm the impulse we have to lash out at anyone or anything, or to create as much havoc as possible, or to beat up on ourselves. And don't forget, you can without embarrassment seek the help of a mental-health professional, and your medical doctor as well if things are completely out of balance.

Make a conscious effort to bring your thoughts to the positive present: "I can manage, and I will." The more that anger and fear can be expressed in structured ways, the less there will be left for acting out. Or acting in.

Marjorie

"To Thine Own Self Be True"

2009-10-09T12:25:00.001-05:00

This entry was first published on my Finding the Faith Way site under the same title. Because it deals mostly with the concerns of women rather than those of a general reading audience, it is perhaps more suitably placed here. You will perhaps recognize the Shakespeare quote which I used recently, with a somewhat different emphasis given here.

“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Although Jesus Himself did not say this—it was one of Shakespeare’s characters in Hamlet—it lines up with the way Jesus lived. He knew who He was and why He was here. Again and again, the Gospel accounts tell us, Jesus said or did things in order that the prophecies concerning Him would be fulfilled. He was true to Himself and to His calling. He desires the same for us. The Apostle Paul wrote, “I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.” (Ephesians 1:16b-18)

I often see people who are not true to themselves. They are only a copy of someone else, or they are the person they think others want them to be. We might expect this in children who are only now forming who they are, but mature men and women need to have a developed sense of who they are, especially who they are in Christ. Because of the foolishness of a few, we have made a joke of people trying to “find themselves,” and thus have caused others to avoid forming their own goals and opinions and discovering their personal strengths and weaknesses. We have not given them the freedom to be authentic persons.

There is no place I see this more clearly than in the lives of a few married women I know. A recently-wed young woman told me not long ago, “Being married is not what makes us whole, but it does help us become more.” I agree; that is what most women would want and expect, but instead of being enhanced by their relationship, too many find themselves diminished, made less by the man who has gained them as a personal acquisition. We most often use the term “trophy wife” to describe the younger, probably beautiful woman who is the second or even third wife of a wealthy and probably powerful middle-aged man. She is something of a “reward” for his business savvy or whatever else has brought him to the self-assured position of “deserving the finest” of everything.

To my consternation, I have seen and heard of a few Christian trophy wives too, even though they may be the first and only spouse. The men who married them did not do so for the purpose of making both their lives richer and enabling them to better serve the Kingdom. They married because it was to their personal advantage: “This woman will serve my needs; she loves me and will make my life happier.” “This woman makes me feel important; she will enhance my position or better my image as a Christian man.” (Somewhat like the marketing “halo effect” where the excellence of one product increases positive response to another in the same line. He withdraws his support of her personal endeavors if she gets too far ahead of him.) Is this a conscious ploy? I wish I knew. I only know that sometimes I see it in operation.

Sometimes this robbery of a woman’s personhood is given a cloak of righteousness with Scriptures that speak of women being under male authority—fathers, husbands, brothers, spiritual leaders. That is clearly a travesty of the Biblical intent that we all live with love and respect toward each other. I know a woman who years ago removed herself from an abusive situation at enormous emotional cost personally. In spite of great, skillfully applied pressure to be “submissive” to what was dictated, she knew positively within herself, “This is not right. God doesn’t want me to live this way.” She didn’t know but that she might be risking the wrath of God and gambling on heaven; certainly she was risking the wrath of man. But God honored her search for what was true. Because she dared to find that for herself, He has since used her to bring help and hope to many other women who are trying to reclaim their own selves.

“To thine own self be true.” If not true to yourself, to the person God intends you to be, how can you help but be false to every other person?

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Vigilance

2009-10-06T19:03:00.001-05:00

"Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." This is one of those quotes that "everybody" knows was said by . . . whomever. It has been attributed to Thomas Jefferson, abolitionist Wendell Phillips, Thomas Paine, Abraham Lincoln, and General of the Army George Marshall. And it could well be that each of these great men publicly declared the same truth: freedom can be damaged or even lost by ignoring it.

Everyday life around us illustrates this. You know the scene: A young woman enthusiastically embarks upon a regimen of workouts at the gym, perhaps even with a personal trainer. She looks good, and she feels better than she has in years. She tells her friends, maybe somewhat smugly, what a great thing this has been—her life is changed. But her allergies start bothering her, or her hours change at work, or the high school football season starts or whatever, and before you know it, she is missing a few days, and then longer periods at a time, and after awhile she drops her gym membership. She quit paying attention to her goals. There may be very good reasons, but the fact remains that she was not vigilant about her gains.

Or a woman decides to lose weight—maybe quite a lot of it. She may sign up for a program or undertake one of her own. She sticks to the plan faithfully for months, and eventually she is rewarded with a trim body, the new clothes she had to buy, the admiration of her acquaintances, and renewed health and vigor. But after she is through "dieting," and it is okay to eat what she wants again (she supposes), the pounds begin to creep back on. Having reached an important goal, she failed to pay the price of maintaining it.

Many alcoholics continue to attend AA meetings long after they have sobered up—years and years, sometimes, because those men and women know that "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." Some people question that position, thinking that one should not continue to believe that he/she is still an alcoholic—especially if a genuine relationship with God has been established. That may be true for some, but others find there is still an inner proclivity toward their "drug of choice." (I use that term because alcohol is just one among a number of addictions.)

We must not fail to recognize that the connection between vigilance and liberty is true in more than the physical part of our lives. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Galatia, "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." (Galatians 5:1) Spiritual gains have to be guarded and maintained too. Times of inspiration and challenge make us feel confident and energized. It comes as a surprise to us, sometimes, when we find that only conscious attention and effort enable us to keep the new freedom.

Some of us have had self-defeating emotional habits to overcome: a sense of unworthiness, unwarranted introspection, lack of assertion, overprotection, denial, or misplaced trust. Or on the other hand: pride, anger, deceit, control, blame, self-indulgence, or self-pity. Either thinking too little or too much of ourselves was destructive in the past. Having made progress, by the grace of God, in one of these dysfunctional areas, it is so easy to say, "Whew! I'm glad that battle is over." We are right to be encouraged and grateful for the healthy changes we can see, but no, it is not over. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty."

Stand fast!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Honest Relationships

2009-10-01T16:46:00.004-05:00

Along the line of the previous entry, "Boundaries," I am sharing today some of the thoughts first posted on October 6, 2008, on my Finding the Faith Way site with the title, "Things Mama Taught Me: Tell the Truth."

I grew up valuing honesty, telling the truth, because that was the example lived before me in my home and in the community where we lived. There is one person, however, with whom I have found it especially difficult to face the truth.

Me.

Sometimes I haven’t recognized the truth, even though it was right there. Through many years of my adult life, and without realizing it, I surrounded myself with people who used me. Organizations that deceived and cheated, that took serious advantage of me financially (in the name of God). Strong leaders who used the subtle power of approval to build a personal following, who controlled my time and my job and my money and my friendships, who ordered my life with should’s and must’s while they covered their own private wrongdoing (in the name of God). “Friends,” a lot of them, who were only takers because I was so ready to give, who laid unfair claims on me by their unending neediness (in the name of God). Because I was absolutely sincere in my intentions, no one shook me and said “Wake up, girl!” But the time came when the pressure became too great and could no longer be contained neatly. A family member intervened. “This is abuse,” she said, and my façade began to crack.

Over a number of months after that, I began to realize that not only was the present situation abusive, but also that I had permitted, again and again, unreasonable and unhealthy demands to be made on my life. I discovered that Christian women—mothers, wives, friends, employees, members of a faith community—can and must establish boundaries to protect themselves from destructive relationships.

It may be hard for some people to reconcile the teachings of Jesus about love and forgiveness and self-sacrifice with the necessity to preserve one’s health and sanity. I know how difficult that can be; I found it so difficult that I missed making the connection for most of my adult life. Our Lord never intended for loving God and loving others to exclude self-care. He told His followers that the two greatest commandments were to love God with all one’s heart and mind and strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself. It is very hard, maybe impossible, to love and care for others appropriately unless we have a proper respect for ourselves.

Jesus Himself did not minister non-stop to needy people. One time He told all His disciples to come with Him to a quiet place to take a break; they hadn’t even had time for lunch. People were constantly coming and going—people with genuine needs, people who apparently thought Jesus and the disciples should be meeting those needs. (Seeing Jesus’ crew leaving in a boat, the people hurried on foot from the surrounding villages, and beat them to their remote resting spot—but that’s another story.) And once, the Scripture tells us, Jesus was tired from a long walk and sat wearily by a well while His disciples went to a nearby city to buy groceries. So Jesus was not at all insensitive to His own needs or those of His followers. May I put it bluntly? Jesus did not teach His followers to be stupid.

The Apostle Paul echoes Jesus’ teaching. He says, “Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.” (Ephesians 5:28, 29) Here Paul makes the simple assumption that people (women as well as men) need to care for themselves in even the most intimate and impelling of human relationships. It is just expected. Permitting ourselves to be manipulated by others into caring for them, not along with but instead of caring for ourselves, is not Jesus’ way.

So I am learning to tell myself the truth—the hardest person with whom I must face the truth—and it is a journey not yet complete. Although the quote is from Shakespeare rather than Scripture, it is nonetheless accurate: “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
The quote is by one of Shakespeare's characters in Hamlet.

Boundaries

2009-09-30T17:44:00.006-05:00

Something I wish I had known 50 years ago:

· That relationships need boundaries.
· That boundaries are necessary for good relationships.
· That unless there are boundaries, relationships will suffer.
· That for relationships to be happy, there must be clear boundaries.
· etc. etc. etc!

Is it clear yet, that I favor relationship boundaries?

Although there is a proliferation of books, videos, and TV programs that might have offered guidance for my messiest relationships, some of those really can't be taken seriously, and so I tended to discount them all. What I really needed was someone to give me Scriptural principles for establishing boundaries in my relationships.

I needed to know that I was genuinely loved. God's purpose in human relationships was to provide for some of our core needs such as security, acceptance and significance. He formed a beautiful creation which included one human, but "then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.' " (Genesis 2:18) If a friendship is deep and intimate, both persons should share in that. If it is only casual, both should honor the limits. Sometimes our ideas clash about what love would look like in a particular situation; a disconnect can easily lead to doing or saying the wrong thing. "Spell it out" as necessary.

I needed to know that I could insist on honesty. "So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. " (Ephesians 4:25) "Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous? Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies!" (Psalm 34:12, 13) Many relationships are based on pretense—face it, most romantic friendships start out like that! However, a deep and long-lasting comradeship must be an honest one. Hidden agendas do not make for a healthy relationship.

I needed to know that threats to my physical safety or sense of security were unacceptable. "Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city." (Proverbs 16:32) "I didn't mean what I said," cannot completely remove the sting of those words. The angry person is the only one who thinks he/she didn't mean what they said. "You'll just have to accept me as I am," is not good enough for me (or God).

I needed to know, Can I count on you? "A friend is always loyal, and a brother [sister, too!] is born to help in time of need." (Proverbs 17:17) "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (I Corinthians 13:7) Does this mean I expect my friends to agree with me, right or wrong? Certainly not—as Senator Carl Schurz said in the Senate on February 29, 1872, "My country, right or wrong; if right, to be kept right; and if wrong, to be set right." A loyal friend will stick with me until we arrive at what is good and right.

God uses human relationships to teach us about our relationship with Him. We are part of the family of God; He is our Father, Jesus our Elder Brother, and there are many other brothers and sisters in Christian fellowship. Christ and His Church are portrayed as a marriage relationship. We are servants of Christ, but also His friends. In all of these, we can know with certainty that we are unfailingly loved; that we can depend on knowing how we stand with God; that He seeks our good and not some manipulative, hidden plan; and that we can, without fear, count on Him.

The "boundaries" in our relationship with God are very simple. "The Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8) Boundaries in human relationships are not all that different.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Source of the Schurz quote: http://www.bartleby.com/73/1641.html

Are Women People?

2009-09-25T15:27:00.002-05:00

A hundred years ago a woman's suffrage advocate authored a column in the New York Tribune, entitled "Are Women People?" In 1915, some of the writings of Alice Duer Miller were published in a book by that title. The following is from her introduction:
FATHER, what is a Legislature?A representative body elected by the people of the state.
Are women people?No, my son, criminals, lunatics and women are not people.
Do legislators legislate for nothing?Oh, no; they are paid a salary.
By whom?By the people.
Are women people?Of course, my son, just as much as men are.

We would find that dichotomy humorous, except it is too true. Women were excluded from the electoral process, but conveniently included when it came to paying lawmaking and lawkeeping costs. Subtle reverberations of this attitude remain into the present.

It's been several decades ago, but when I applied for my first teaching position, the three board members who interviewed me asked, "Are you married? Are you planning to get married? We don't want a teacher getting pregnant." And it hasn't been all that long ago that car salesmen said to female prospective buyers, "When will you husband be able to come in with you?" Just recently, I overhead a delivery man make a disparaging remark about no women being present (or so he thought) to give the guys a hard time. Sometimes this slighting attitude is present even in the Church. One fellow made it clear that the men were meeting to pray about important issues like war and politics. The women, he scornfully assumed, met in "tea party" style to pray about the Sunday School and Aunt Susie's rheumatism.

So, it has ever been that men take care of serious business, while women are supposed to be less interested and certainly less capable. I grew up thinking that the only meaningful life for a grown woman was one of service (read: mother, teacher, nurse). Never mind that my real passion was ideas and words: reading them, and writing them. Society as a whole, and the Church in particular, believed that men and women were quite different inherently—God having made it so—and therefore must confine themselves to their prescribed roles. Those who study human behavior have changed many of their earlier-held views, but sadly, much of the Church has lagged behind.

Inequality, even arrogant domineering, shows up in many homes of the faithful. One writer, a man, says that ever since Eve, women have wanted to control their husbands. Is he implying that this would be wrong, but that it is okay for men to control their wives? Maybe so. With all due respect for his education and experience, I think that ever since that incident in the Garden, people have wanted to control other people. Unfortunately, some Christian men feel that the Scripture gives them license to do so.

Women, along with everyone else and perhaps not in any greater degree than others, want safety and security. I have to admit that not all women need or choose the same means of being secure. Some women want someone telling them exactly what to do. I think about one of the sweet songs from the movie, "The Sound of Music." Liesl sings to her admirer, the telegram-delivery fellow, "I am sixteen, going on seventeen . . . I need someone older and wiser, telling me what to do. You are seventeen, going on eighteen. I'll depend on you." Women of sixteen, twenty-six, even forty-six or ninety-six may feel that way, and that is their choice. But for someone to tell all women they must feel that way is ridiculous! Some women may prefer the security they find in knowing that that they cannot fully depend on anyone or anything but themselves and their relationship with God. They feel safe in their knowledge that there is no real security outside God Himself.

Of course women are people! In spite of traditional difficulties and prejudices, more and more women are recognizing that we matter to God and that we matter in His plan for life in this world.

Including election of the legislature or to the legislature, and paying taxes.

Marjorie

Source of Miller's piece: http://womenshistory.about.com/library/etext/bl_awp000_introduction.htm
(is a part of The New York Times Company)

Harder Than It Looks

2009-09-18T15:23:00.002-05:00

Recovery after loss is harder than it looks.

It doesn't matter too much what the loss is:

The death of a spouse or a child.
The loss of a house—destruction or foreclosure.
Or the loss of Home—you can't go back to that place of security again.
Layoff from a long-term job.
Health and strength and freedom from pain.
A broken relationship.
Betrayal by someone you trusted.
A missed opportunity that cannot be recovered.
Failure to accomplish what you were sure you could.
Faith and self-confidence.
A dream that has died.

Treat the one who has suffered loss with great compassion. Recovery is harder than it looks.

People may say, "You're a strong woman—so brave." And she thinks, I don't want to be strong or brave. I just want to stop hurting.

They say, "You are doing so well." Thank you, I'm recovering from what amounts to a 'surgery' that almost killed me.

"You're looking good." Nice of you to say that, but this is just the face I put on when I'm going out.

Treat the one who has suffered loss with much kindness; it is doing a kindness to Christ.
Without implying unreserved acceptance of Jungian psychology, here is something he wrote:

What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I
should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all the beggars
. . . that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of
my own kindness—that I myself am the enemy who must be loved—what
then?

Treat the one who has suffered loss with great compassion—especially if it is you.

I recommend reading or re-reading these posts on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog:
The Courage to Grieve and Where Everybody Knows Your Name.

Marjorie

The Path of Forgiveness

2009-09-15T15:28:00.001-05:00

The following poem was first published on July 31, 2008, on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a path--
Not summit to be claimed--
That all the way is stained
With secret tears
And blood-red mercy-drops,
The Lord's and mine.

Forgiveness is a path.
The Betrayed One's nail-marked hand
Will safely guide
My Cross-ward steps
Through valley hemmed with pain
And dark as death.

Forgiveness is a path
I do not walk alone.
Before, beside, within,
The One-Who-Sees
Is present to beseech
When I cannot,
"Father, forgive."

Marjorie

Growing Forgiveness

2009-09-14T16:20:00.001-05:00

Considering the difficult subjects I've considered the last few times I've written, perhaps it is time to share again a post first published on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog on August 11, 2008. This is how I see forgiveness growing—slowly sometimes, not all at once.

The Tiny Flower of Forgiveness

A friend betrayed me.

I confessed to a confidante, ”Something deep inside me is broken, and I don't even know what it is.” And I questioned myself, “Am I resentful? Have I let my hurt become anger, and my disappointment turn into bitterness? Am I unforgiving? How can I deal with the unknown?"

The Psalmist had the answer. He prayed, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23, 24 NKJV)

The Lord was very gentle with me. He knows how very deep the wounds of the heart can be. He too was betrayed. He told me, "That little movement of compassion in your heart? That is the tiny flower of forgiveness. It is very tender now, but if you protect and nurture it, it will grow."

So I watered it with tears; I fertilized it with the compost of dead hopes; I turned under, again and again, the stubborn earth of unhappy memories. And the tiny flower of forgiveness grew and bloomed.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Restorative Justice

2009-09-11T19:35:00.002-05:00

Here is what churches may do for those who have suffered childhood sexual abuse.

* Acknowledge that child abuse is an issue.
If the Church is doing its job, there are going to be sinners in the crowd, some openly acknowledging their condition, others wearing a cloak of respectable church-ianity. The community of God's people is not exempt from sexual misconduct. If it were, we would not have many verses of Biblical injunction recorded in Leviticus and Deuteronomy and in Paul's epistles.

I have been attending church all my life, quite a long while now, and I cannot remember ever having heard a caution mentioned regarding child abuse in the home.. Of course, for half of my lifetime, sexual matters were hardly discussed anywhere—not even between husband and wife, not even in the doctor's office, and just barely with your children. But with the "sexual revolution" of the 60's, that changed. So let's say, it's been forty years of church-going for me. I estimate I've attended six thousand regular church services and countless other church-related activities. I've heard, "Protect our children from an evil-intentioned stranger"—yes, but never, "Mothers, teach your children respect for their bodies. Be alert. Listen to your kids. Believe them." I've never heard, "Dads, you have a holy responsibility to live a love that reflects that of the Heavenly Father. Teach your kids what is right to expect from the men in their lives."

* Provide protection.
Churches have a double responsibility to protect children in the faith community: a legal liability, depending on the state law, and a spiritual accountability to the Master who said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them!" (Luke 18:16) It is not enough to warn children—and their parents and caregivers—about "stranger danger." Some churches have elaborate systems to prevent children being taken away from nurseries, classrooms, or day-care centers by unauthorized persons. Many churches have taken steps to see that the children's workers are carefully screened, and they use every precaution to avoid even an appearance of impropriety. Yet in these same churches, it is often true that no one would dare question the parents of children who manifest definite signs of abuse.

Laws vary from state to state about reporting child abuse, but most say something like this: "Any medical practitioner; school or day-care professional; law enforcement officer; registered or licensed nurse, social worker, psychologist or employee of social services who has reasonable cause to believe that a child (or developmentally disabled person) has suffered abuse or neglect, must report such incident or cause a report to be made to the appropriate public protection agency"—this within a certain time frame, such as forty-eight hours. While some states' laws may exempt the clergy, or be unclear about required reporting, it is in the best interest of children for the Church to take some responsibility for their welfare and to report abuse appropriately. Churches often require their staff, paid and volunteer, to report suspected abuse first to a designated pastor or church officer, and strict confidentiality measures are in place.

I understand the Church's desire to protect parents as much as is legally possible from undue interference by outside authority. So some churches take steps to interview the parents, with or without the person who has concluded there is "reasonable cause" to suspect abuse. Others are not in the investigative business at all and will leave the matter entirely up to the public system. Either way, there is a price to pay: the suspected or guilty offender is likely just to withdraw from that faith community or, if he decides to stay, there will be time and effort involved in keeping a supportive relationship with him and the family (This does not exclude the need for professional counseling for any or all of the family members; indeed, it is probably essential.) Being "under Church discipline" is difficult for everyone involved.

If you are in a place of church leadership, although this may not be a personal issue for you, become informed and be alert. The Church has been asleep on this issue. It is time to take a stand, and that must be before it happens. "This is not right. This is a crime. This will not be tolerated."

* Seek to restore the wounded.
It is an injustice to both victim and offender for us to agree tacitly, "Well, probably nothing happened. Or if it did, it's over now." It's not over now. Neither of the individuals will be healed without restorative justice done—some recompense to the victim and some cost to the perpetrator. Even if the legal system has exacted a penalty from the offender, it is the work of the Church to offer healing and redemption.

One woman who had been wronged said, "I don't want him to go to hell. I just want him to be sorry. Is it wrong for me to want him to be sorry?" Of course, it is not wrong. The God who made us in His image is a just God. We want justice. We do not have to wish evil on an offender (although it is really difficult not to); the very least we can ask is for him to be sorry. I don't wish for the Church to become cruel or harsh, but perhaps confession needs to be made to responsible church personnel who can outline a program of restoration somewhat similar to that for clergy who fail morally. It's not likely that anyone who submits to this discipline of repentance, professional intervention, and accountability will repeat the behavior that brought them down. Nevertheless, strong safeguards must be put in place to protect him and his victim(s), so that it cannot be repeated.

* And if the offender does not accept blame, what then?
This is the "Nothing Happened" scenario I discussed in my previous entry. In addition to outright denial, there are the situations where the offender is long gone to parts unknown or even has died before the victim can bring herself to speak of her experience. And I know of some instances where the girl/young woman, now fully mature, has decided not to confront her abuser. Then what?

Not every church has a well-trained counseling staff. Those who do should periodically make known their ability to deal with the issues faced by adult women who endured childhood sexual abuse. Those who do not have such counselors must let women know that church personnel are ready to refer them to qualified counselors whom they themselves would trust. A woman with deep, unresolved issues needs someone to understand her pain—even if the offender will not/cannot admit to causing it. I'm not sure how God deals with such, but I do know what Jesus said. “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble [speaking specifically of a child that was present], it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." (Mark 9:42) If there is no legal or ecclesiastical recourse, then it's completely up to God. The ultimate judgment of the offender's guilt and repentance can be safely left in God's hands.

If anger and bitterness, fear and shame are allowed to grow in a woman's heart, they will destroy her. Forgiveness of others and acceptance of herself, however long it takes for that to grow, is her hope for health and emotional well-being. To illustrate this: When a person has been stung by a honeybee, the stinger remains embedded in the skin, pulsing its venom. The longer the stinger is allowed to remain, the greater the amount of poison is pumped in. In childhood sexual abuse, a life has had poison inflicted upon it, and the stinger may still be there, forcing in a stream of venom. The message of Christ and His Church can offer the hope of restoration. "O death [and death-making experiences of life], where is your sting?" Death, where is your stinger? Shame, where is your stinger? Anger, where is your stinger? "Thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:55, 57)

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

"Nothing Happened"

2009-09-09T16:28:00.003-05:00

Many months ago I made a promise to myself that when I began writing specifically for women readers that I would not back away from the tough issues. Some of the traumatic things that girls and women suffer are outside my personal experience; nevertheless, I feel very strongly about such issues. I have talked with women many times whose lives have been altered permanently by what they have had to experience. The subject of this post is childhood sexual abuse, and may be distressing to some readers. However, this is such a serious and prevalent issue that I must address it here.

Sexual abuse of children may be society's worst crime. It is so contemptible that the very people that society locks away for some other crime will not tolerate the perpetrator in the prison environment. A person need not be a confirmed pedophile, but "merely" a person who was caught taking indecent liberties with a child. He (usually the offender is male) may be raped, maimed, or even murdered in order to be "held accountable" by those who are disgusted and enraged by the behavior, even though the self-appointed punishers have committed other atrocious crimes themselves.

I have listened to the personal stories of women who told of their own abuse or the abuse of their daughters by someone the child trusted. Why is it that such a devastating thing is often hidden by the child, or if told to someone, is ignored or dismissed? Because something in us tells us to be ashamed. As shameful as the occurrence of abuse is, the shame is compounded by the concealing of it by those who know better—not the child, but the perpetrator and anyone else implicated in any way. The very adults that should be most concerned about what the child has suffered commonly deny it. Sadly, it is often the mother—a child's first line of defense—who defends her husband, boy friend, father, or other male. "Nothing happened," she says, and the victim therefore is made to feel this trouble is somehow her fault. (Not always, but most often, "her.") It is not her fault. It is not.

Nothing that a child (anyone under 18, the law says) could do or say warrants an adult taking advantage of her, even if her appearance or behavior exhibits early sexualization. It is simply not right. It is not fair, it is not moral, and it is not legal. And yet, we are slow to confront sexual abuse. Even the Church is guilty of tiptoeing around this "elephant in the living room." [A huge issue that everyone knows about but no one has the courage to discuss] Some of the worst offenders have come from environments that protect everyone in the name of compassion. Compassion for whom? Not for innocent children, but for powerful males—in the Church itself and in the home. Although it's appropriate to teach our children about "stranger danger," they are less likely to be mistreated by someone who wanders around on the streets than by someone they know and trust. We are misplacing some of our caution.

What can possibly be the rationale for molesting one's own daughter (granddaughter, sister, or niece)? It's the ownership thing. "This isn't really all that bad," is often what he is thinking. "She is mine, anyway." The spectacular news accounts of kidnapping are spectacular for the very reason that they are relatively infrequent. The man who would never go out and terrorize and sexually abuse a child/young girl that he does not know, may excuse the very same behavior in the safe confines of his home or church community, and repeat it over and over again.

I have known a few women who, decades later, confronted their known abuser or the confidante who had failed to believe them. I am not speaking of so-called "recovered memories," a term which became popular more than a decade ago but has since come into some question. These women are not just now remembering; they have never forgotten. Their memories are as clear as when the events occurred. Sadly, the response in more than one case was, "It isn't true. Nothing happened."

To be sure, a child's memory is not always accurate, but something happened. These women have carried with them, into and even throughout their adulthood, such consequences as fear, anger, self-hatred, sexual dysfunction and depression. They were not casting about to discover some cause for their personal problems and "Aha!" landed upon sexual abuse. They clearly remember, and some even have further supporting evidence.

But the abuser insists, "Nothing happened." One cannot just agree, "Okay then, nothing happened." The life-damaging experiences cannot be denied, but must be faced. We cannot change the past; not even God can go back and make things that happened not to have happened. But He can move us toward healing.

-- Books are written for women with just this kind of wounded heart; you can find
them at a bookstore or your local library. (Don't be embarrassed to ask. We have
been far too careful for far too long.) Realizing that one is not alone is often
in itself a great relief.

-- There are people who will listen and help. Some counselors are experienced in dealing with the issue of childhood sexual abuse and can offer beneficial perspective. Other women may find their way in a support group, or even by just finally telling one other person. Telling someone means that the frightful thing that has been living a life of its own in the dark has to come out into the light. There it can be recognized for what it is: an especially cruel crime against a child and a terrible offense to God. Sometimes the abuser himself must be confronted; more about that later.

-- Most of all, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalme 34:28) One brave woman shared with our church women's group, "I forgave him," and she told about her long, painful struggle to come to that place. He did not want her pardon—"Nothing happened," he said—but she explained to us, "Forgiveness is not about his peace, but mine."

-- Don't be discouraged when, perhaps even after a long time, memories still surface. As is true with a physical trauma, some deep emotional wounds may never disappear completely. But we can find release from the shame. It is not ours to bear, but the offender's. We did nothing wrong. The remaining scars only show us where the wounds have been healing.

Next post (in a day or two): Some thoughts about the Church's responsibility, "Restorative Justice."

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton

Another Bad Word: Submission

2009-09-09T16:12:00.004-05:00

This post was first published on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog on September 1, 2008, and is no longer located there.

Yesterday I stated that to people who misunderstand it, “authority” is a bad nine-letter word. Here is a ten-letter word, also with terrible meaning for many people: submission.

Did you think of any particular group of people when you read the above? Slaves? Probably not. Children? Maybe. Women, especially wives? Many women would answer, “Yes, without question.” Perhaps you didn’t think of wives at all; you wouldn’t have any reason to unless you had experienced the negative results of cultural and/or religious subordination of women. Especially in very conservative religious groups, there is concentrated teaching on the subjection of women to their husbands.

The Scripture passage often quoted for this view is an abbreviated version of I Peter 3:1, which says, “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” The shortened form we often use is only, “Wives, be submissive to your husbands.” Clearly, this is not all that the Scripture means to say. With the words, “in the same way,” Peter is referring back to verses in chapter 2. He speaks of suffering, reminding us that one can bear up under unjust suffering when he/she is God-conscious. He warns us, “To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” (I Peter 2:21-23) So what Peter is really saying is, "Women, be like Jesus."

We sometimes forget to continue reading verses further down on the page: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (I Peter 3:7) Some women bristle at the idea of being called weaker, but face it: females lack, usually, the size, the strength, and the vocal power of males. Men are called upon to treat those differences with respect. What Peter is really saying is, “Fellows, be like Jesus.” By ignoring the gracious gift of God’s life in both husband and wife, the man puts himself in grave danger: His prayers will be ineffectual.

Submission was not meant to create a master-servant relationship nor even a formal authority figure. It was not meant for the control of one person over another. Submission to each other was urged in order for there to be harmony. “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, ‘Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.’" (I Peter 3:8-12)

That sounds like a happy home to me.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Having Authority

2009-09-08T15:48:00.004-05:00

This post was first published on my blog, "Finding the Faith Way," on August 16, 2008. It is repeated here as an entry that may hold special interest for women readers.

Authority, the dictionary tells me, means several things: for one, the power to enforce obedience. In practical affairs, we often think of it as the right to tell others what to do. Wouldn’t you think that if anyone has that right, it would be those who know the law best? One would suppose that interpreters of the law would have, above all others, the understanding of what is expected of those under them. In Jesus’ day, that would be the scribes and/or the Pharisees. And yet, when Jesus taught, people were amazed, not only at what He said, but how He said it: with real authority. Twice the Gospel writers tell us what happened. “When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.” (Matthew 7:28, 29 NIV) This was Jesus’ teaching called “the sermon on the mount.” In the synagogue at Capernaum, “The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law.” (Mark 1:22 NIV)

Those who listened were used to authority, even religious authority. But Jesus spoke with real authority, some versions emphasize, not like the other teachers. What made everyone so amazed at Jesus’ teaching? What’s the difference between real authority and not-real? Jesus did not enforce obedience; he invited obedience by His love and wisdom and hope.

Authority is a bad word to many people, a bad nine-letter word. They have no particular problem with submitting to governmental authority; they pay taxes, they obey traffic laws, they don’t participate in illegal activities. They deal successfully with authority in school or the workplace too. But when confronted with the idea of authority in the home or in the Church, they become confused, afraid, or stubborn. Why is this?

Authority in the places where the heart is drawn in—the home and the Church—where one’s most intimate self is exposed, can be a frightening concept. This is because many misunderstand what authority in these circumstances means. And who is it that most misunderstands? The authority figures themselves. It is perfectly clear to the person—most often a woman or a child in the home but anyone in the Church—who has been wounded by experiences of misuse or abuse what “authority” means. It means to be wary of those who can hurt them again. If the person(s) in authority cannot be trusted to act in one’s best interests, then it makes absolute sense to be watchful, perhaps even fearful of them.

There are indeed some willful women or naughty children and selfish, cranky church members. But far too often, those who say, “My wife won’t submit,” or “My kids better obey or else,” or “That church member is not conforming,” are requiring those who follow them to give up something of their personhood. They are asking that they themselves be lifted up as makers, interpreters, and enforcers of the law—and there is no one more dangerous to others in these situations than the person who presumes to know what is “good” or “right” for everyone and has the power to make them do it.

Jesus drew people, not with fear or threats, but with the force of love. Tax collectors and prostitutes knew He wouldn’t beat them into observing the law. Cowards and big-talkers alike knew there was grace for them. Children knew they would be welcome and gravitated to Him. The sick and the mentally ill and even a dying thief somehow knew they could ask loving favor from this Man. And this brings us to another definition of authority: the power to influence thought and behavior.

Authority, to a lot of people, is a bad nine-letter word. It can be reduced, though, to a couple of four-letter words: l-o-v-e or f-e-a-r. Only the first carries authority that is real. And that is Jesus’ style.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
A note: Do you know who made the statement about “the most dangerous person”? If so, help me give credit.

The Circle of Relationship

2009-09-02T15:08:00.005-05:00

The following post was first published on my blog, "Finding the Faith Way," on July 30, 2008. I have repeated here, with minor additions, because of its significance in this context.

I recently finished reading, “The Shack,” a controversial but wildly popular new book of Christian fiction. (A few days ago, #2 on the USA Today bestseller list of trade paperbacks; yesterday #1 on the NY Times list of the same!) It has big-name recommendations printed right on the cover, and can millions of buyers be wrong? (Yes, of course.) Even so, I found it less than engaging as a novel, not having the captivating beauty or staggering clarity I was told to expect. It does have, however, many very long passages of didactics by God the Father who appears to the main character as a large, outspoken black woman who loves to cook. Aided by an Asian-woman Holy Spirit who gardens in blue jeans, and by Jesus—a Jewish carpenter, naturally—God (called Papa) proceeds to teach Mack about the Trinity, and the suffering in life, and the ultimate plan of God.

Some readers can’t get past the “heresy” these characterizations represent to them. I’ll admit it wasn’t easy. Nevertheless, I came away from the reading with a new insight of significance. It is this: We will never quite understand the Trinity, because we cannot understand the Trinity. Mack marvels at the simple, beautiful, easy way the Three relate to each other. He can’t figure out who’s in charge; he’s always thought of God as being the Boss, but then that doesn’t seem to fit in this situation. So he asks about the chain of command.

God explains that there is no hierarchy because they are in a circle of relationship. Among themselves, they do not recognize the concept of a final authority. That is a problem humans have; they are so damaged in their relationships that they cannot imagine—let alone function in—a situation where there is not someone in charge. He (She) goes on to say that once hierarchy has been established, rules have to be made to protect and administer it, hence laws and enforcers of law. People then end up with a system that destroys relationships rather than building them, and seldom experience any relationships without some expression of power. That is the human paradigm.

Mack objects that after all we’ve adapted pretty well to that system, and the Holy Spirit girl is quick to point out that he must not confuse adaptation with intention. Made in God’s image, humans were meant to be unencumbered by artificial structure, free to just “be” in their relationship with God and one another. That intention was spoiled by man’s choice to act independently of God. The first step to restoring God’s intention then is to find, as much as we can on earth, the unity with God that the Three have in themselves, and then expand that unity into our human relationships. Is this possible? Yes. Jesus prayed, “that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us . . .” (John 17:21)

Get the book. Read it if you can.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Marjorie

Willing to Help

2009-08-28T16:05:00.001-05:00

You know, of course, the story of The Little Red Hen and her friends—a duck, a cat and a pig (or a goose and dog and whatever animal your favorite version has). The Little Red Hen found a grain of wheat and, deciding to plant it, she asked who would help.

"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the cat.
"Not I," said the pig.

The Little Red Hen asked for help many times: when it was time to cut the wheat, to thresh it and to grind it into flour, to bake the flour into bread. Each time, her unwilling friends responded, "Not I--not I--not I." To which The Little Red Hen responded each time, "Then I will." And she did.

When the bread had been baked, The Little Red Hen asked again, "Who will help me eat this bread?" Her friends replied eagerly,

"I will!" said the duck.
"I will!" said the cat.
"I will!" said the pig.

"Oh no, you won't!" said The Little Red Hen. "I will!" And she did.

I hope you can see the connection between this story and the account from Scripture of repairing the city of Jerusalem when the residents returned from exile. The high priest and his brethren led the way, apparently not considering that this was work for only common laborers. Some, the "nobles" from the town of Tekoa, refused to assist, but Nehemiah lists many others (chapter 3) who made themselves available. There are no expert builders and carpenters available? "Then we will!" said the priests, and goldsmiths, perfume makers, district leaders, merchants and women.

Women? Yes, the daughters of Shallum, leader of half the district of Jerusalem, helped their father with the work of reconstruction. No sons in the family? "Then we will!" said the daughters. And they did.

Were they sturdy teenagers who could tramp among the ruins to locate burned bricks and carry them to the building site? Or were they older women of means, perhaps heiresses or rich widows, who gave liberally to advance the project? Were there two of them—or six? We don't know, but they are the only women mentioned among men and their sons who made a significant contribution to the work.

Never believe that what we as women have to offer our family, our community, our church, or the Kingdom of God is unimportant. Often all it takes is seeing where we are meant to help and saying, "Then I will!" and doing it.

Marjorie

Kiss Your Elbow

2009-08-27T16:23:00.001-05:00

When I was just a little girl, my older brothers teased me mercilessly for my inability to do the things they were able to do. They were bigger and stronger and older, and they were boys! They did hold out one bit of encouragement for me however: "If you can kiss your elbow, you will turn into a boy." I tried, I really did! But of course, I couldn't perform that feat of convolution, as they well knew. Eventually, I realized I had been duped and accepted my "inferior" position, a notion I eventually outgrew—thankfully!

The Apostle Paul took special pains to make sure believers understand that it makes no difference where the circumstances of life place us. "By faith in Christ you are in direct relationship with God. Your baptism in Christ was not just washing you up for a fresh start. It also involved dressing you in an adult faith wardrobe—Christ's life, the fulfillment of God's original promise. In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ." (Galatians 3:26-28) Some might argue with this, saying: Of course it makes a difference! Racial minorities, and women, and the physically challenged, and the disadvantaged and other groups have always had to struggle for their rights. People have never treated them like they are equal!

Peter didn't think people were equal either. He was a strict Jew, and as such he knew it was unlawful for him to keep company with those who were not. But God, wanting to prepare Peter to give the Gospel to a Gentile (!) man along with many of his relatives and friends, sent a vision to Peter. He saw a great sheet lowered from heaven holding all kinds of animals, birds, and creeping things, some of them "unclean" and unfit for a law-keeping Jew to eat. A voice instructed Peter to kill and eat the creatures, but he was horrified. "Peter said, 'Oh, no, Lord. I've never so much as tasted food that was not kosher.' The voice came a second time: 'If God says it's okay, it's okay.' This happened three times, and then the blanket was pulled back up into the skies." (Acts 10:14-16)

Much of present society persists in observing differences. Does that truly matter? Again, it is Paul who writes, "It matters very little to me what you think of me, even less where I rank in popular opinion. I don't even rank myself. Comparisons in these matters are pointless. I'm not aware of anything that would disqualify me from being a good guide for you, but that doesn't mean much. The Master makes that judgment." (I Corinthians 4:3, 4)

I wouldn't kiss my elbow if I could! God says we are all equal. If God says I'm okay, I'm okay!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Getting Over It

2009-08-22T15:41:00.001-05:00

On an errand this morning, I needed to pass through the intersection where a number of months ago an out-of-town driver sped through a red light and tore off the front of my car. Since that incident, I usually avoid this corner. Today I proceeded with caution and felt sure I was safe, but my body reacted with anxiety—butterflies in my stomach which fluttered about for the next several minutes. "This is ridiculous!" I told myself, but nonetheless, the queasiness told me I was not "over it" yet.

Getting over trauma is something we expect of ourselves, sometimes too much and too quickly. Of course, an accident in which no one was seriously injured, although the vehicles were totaled, can hardly be compared to other things that can and do happen in women's lives. A partner who deserts, the loss of a child, domestic abuse, a destructive fire or flood, grave illness, financial ruin—these are far worse. If an accident that occurred two years ago still wilts me, why would I expect any of us to rebound fully from more severe shock in less time than that? We are not always kind; in fact, our critics say that the church is the only army that shoots its own wounded.

Well, perhaps we wouldn't "shoot" a hurting woman; we would be more apt just to abandon her. Why would we not be gentle and supportive when we encounter such a woman? Why are we so uncomfortable around her? Very often, it is because we don't know what to say. Often, too many words just get in the way. "I am thinking of you," or "I'm praying for you" may be entirely adequate. But another reason can be fear. What if her disaster is "contagious"? What if my husband left me, my child died, my home burned, my uterus had a cancer? When we are around the one who experiences these, we may wonder if we too are vulnerable—and we pull away, just a bit, just in case. Realizing this, we should be able to understand a little better why we may not get the immediate response of hope and help from others when we are the suffering one.

And why are we so hard on ourselves? It is not helpful for us to hear from someone, "It's been however-many years now. Isn't it time . . ." Or "Are you still . . ." Yet often we say such things to ourselves, gathering shame for having feelings. Do not listen! I am not advocating long-term self-pity, but am simply recognizing that time alone is not a healer. No more than I could control the butterflies circling in my stomach can we control the flash of emotion when we encounter certain sights, sounds, or other triggers for something deeply experienced. Feel it, validate it, possibly learn from it, then release it again.

Marjorie

If you are interested in the topic of recovery after trauma, read some of Genny's story on this blog [here] and about Mrs. Job on "Finding the Faith Way" [here].

The Discomfort of Distinction

2009-08-12T16:59:00.003-05:00

In the not-too-distant past, little girls were supposed to be pretty—and that's about all. Back then they were trained to be "nice," quiet, and deferential to their elders and to men and boys. That was before they excelled at sports, found out that they were as good at math as many of the fellows, or realized they too could become members of Congress, corporate presidents, airline pilots, and postal carriers.

Many modern girls do not hesitate to take on any challenge they wish, but if one lived in that earlier era, it can be uncomfortable to be outstanding. "Standing out" was painful, even if it was for achievement; discomfort accompanied distinction. I remember being embarrassed by having the best grade in second-year algebra; I was teased by the other students for being "smart." What they didn't know is that I cried over my homework, and spent before-school hours with the teacher patiently explaining things to me once more. Countless times throughout life, I hid my achievement so that my quiet efforts would not be rewarded with someone's taunts. Others may have been the target of unwelcome attention for their attractiveness, their interest in art or music, their congeniality or even their (father's) occupation and money. They too suffered from the discomfort of distinction.

Many women, especially those of the past couple of generations, have difficulty accepting the gifts God has given them, or what they have developed through their lifetime. Even if they can recognize their own abilities—which often they cannot—they hesitate to let them be seen by others and thus profitably used. Do you think the "parable of the talents" applies here? (Matthew 25:14-30)

The Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a
long trip. He called together his servants and entrusted his money to them while
he was gone. He gave five talents (bags of silver) to one, two talents (bags of
silver) to another, and one talent (bag of silver) to the last—dividing it in
proportion to their abilities. He then left on his trip. The servant who
received the five bags of silver invested his master's money and earned five
more. The servant with two bags of silver also went to work and earned two
more. But the servant who received the one bag of silver dug a hole in the
ground and hid the master’s money."

When the master returned from his trip, he called the servants to give an
account for what he had entrusted to them. The men to whom he had given
the five bags and the two bags came forward with the added earnings from their
investments. The master was full of praise and rewarded them with gracious
words and the promise of a celebration. Then the servant with the
one bag of silver came and said, "Master, I knew you were an exacting man. I was
afraid I would lose your money and disappoint you, so I hid it in the earth.
Look, here is your money back." The master called that servant wicked and
lazy and punished him for not making profitable use of what had been entrusted
to him.

Success can actually be painful for the person who prefers to remain unnoticed, especially if they have been taught that this is how they must act. While this may look like humility, sometimes it really is not. It is an over-developed consciousness of oneself. After all, the predominant motivation of the servant who hid the money instead of investing it was distrust of his master and fear for himself. Is it right for us to give less than the best we can to an endeavor because we are more conscious of what people think than of what the Master thinks? "Someone may think I'm showing off . . . or trying to act smart . . . or just getting attention . . . or whatever . . . "

No, go ahead and be the best chocolate cake baker and put your recipe in the church cookbook. It's okay if someone tells you how great your musical performance or your PTO chairmanship or your help at the community yard sale was; just say "Thank you." And don't be embarrassed by offering small things: a call, a casserole, a compliment.

Because what if Jesus were to think we are lazy and careless and afraid of Him?

Marjorie

Saying "No"

2009-08-10T17:02:00.003-05:00

Perhaps I would like to give to the organizations that call for my donation: the veterans' groups, the Heart Association, the Diabetes Research Foundation, the Cancer Society, my alumni association, and the sponsors of law enforcement benefits. First of all, I don't buy or give over the phone—period. But if I did, would I be able to do all they ask, and still pay my utility bill? No.

I get letters in the mail too, and I'd like to send all of them a nice check: the veterans' groups and the Salvation Army and Easter Seals and a local hospice. All good causes, but can I do that and buy groceries too? No.

The United Way coordinator at work expects me to pledge. Every visiting missionary at church would like for me to pledge. The local NPR station wants me to pledge. Quasi-political organizations ask me to pledge. Can I respond to all of them? No.

A young salesman comes to the door: Will I buy candles or stationery so he can win a trip, and this will "keep young people off the street." The Girl Scouts come: Buy cookies so I can go to camp. A man comes with vacuum cleaners, another with citrus fruit. Am I able to buy stuff I don't really want or need to help people win prizes or even earn their livelihood? No. (The grandkids come: Grandma, will you buy cookie dough or refrigerator magnets or candles or stationery? Why yes, of course. That's different!)

And it isn't just money. "We need volunteers at the free-meal center . . . in our vacation Bible School . . . to be a literacy tutor . . . to be a Big Brother/Big Sister . . . at the re-sale store . . . to drive on the field trip." There is not time and energy enough to do all that. So the answer is "No."

Why is it so hard to say "No"? Often it is because we feel dumb, or we're anxious about the goodwill of others, or afterwards we feel guilty. But sometimes it is just because we have so seldom asserted our right to choose. We are the ones responsible for determining our behavior and realizing its consequences, and no amount of coercion should sway us from that. We do not have to justify our decision, even if it is illogical, by giving reasons or excuses. (Well, maybe to the grandkids!)

When should you say "No"? When "no" is what you want to say. When "no" is what you mean. If "no" is really the message, then don't say "Well . . ." or "I'm not sure . . ." Say "No," clearly and, if necessary, persistently.

How do you say "No"?
First, put your tongue to your palate just behind your front teeth, and vocalize. That is N.
Make a round opening with your lips; vocalize. That is O.
N-O.
There, that wasn't so hard, was it? With practice you can become quite fluent in this expression!

Marjorie

Ahead of the Culture

2009-08-06T18:38:00.002-05:00

We don't always get a clear picture of Bible women when we extract only certain examples from the Scripture. There was the disobedient Eve and the treacherous Jezebel and Lot's reluctant wife. If we conclude that this is "how women were," we miss the grand challenge of Esther and Abigail and Mary of Bethany and the lesser-known Dorcas and the daughters of Zelophehad. If we focus on Abram's lies about his wife or Jephthah's ignorant treatment of his daughter and believe that all women were treated as property, we are not taking into account Elkanah's love for Hannah or Barak's confidence in Deborah's leadership. If we take a narrow view of Sarai as the submissive wife and of the silenced women at Corinth, we may say, "And this is how women should be." I doubt that there is any woman described in Scripture whose life we can take in every single aspect and relate it to our own.

I have come to the conclusion that whatever one has determined a Christian woman should be, Scripture can be found to corroborate that view! Women have, for a long time, recognized that organized religion lags somewhat behind our other social institutions, in that it does not grant to a large number of them equal opportunities along with men to participate in ministry and leadership and to represent faithfully the cause of Christ. Most often the rationale for their exclusion is, "That rule is straight from the Bible. Just read . . . [whatever Scripture seems to support the position]."

If we do "just read the Scripture," we may find something quite different than we have supposed. God was not, and is not sexist. In both the Old and New Testaments, we find some women of faith who were remarkably ahead of the culture around them. Many scholars agree that Jesus brought new dignity to women by including them among His followers, but long before that, the creation passages tell us that both man and woman were created in God's image. "So God created man [not just a man, but a whole new species: human beings] in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27 NIV) I am quite confident that God did not intend us to be second-class citizens!

For some of us, claiming our selves as Christian women is an arduous task. Our religious training, our early authorities, and the role models they prescribed for us have a great impact on how we see ourselves. We cannot change those early influences, but we can examine them. It is not wrong to do so, in fact, it is essential to spiritual growth. Part of maturity is learning to evaluate our beliefs. "Is what I am thinking based on what the Scripture says or only on what someone says it says? Am I considering the whole tone of Scripture or only a selection of 'proof' texts? Has more recent Biblical scholarship improved the understanding we had fifty or a hundred or two hundred years ago?"

A huge factor in how we see ourselves is how we presently permit others to relate to us. Here it is difficult to determine—like deciding which came first, the chicken or the egg—what is cause and what is effect. In some sense, we teach people how they can treat us by what we think of our own selves; on the other hand, how people treat us affects that self-evaluation. Whichever it is, cause or effect, we as individuals are the only ones who can break the unhappy cycle. Whether by personal reflection, serious Bible study, counsel from others, re-framing the past, or intellectual decision, gaining an appropriate self-esteem is a goal to be pursued. You may or may not be ahead of most of the culture around you, but wherever your opinion comes to rest along the wide spectrum of thought concerning the wisdom and worth of women, there will be others on either side!

You can probably even find a Biblical counterpart!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Small Steps, Giant Leaps

2009-07-31T16:47:00.001-05:00

Can it really be that forty years have passed since the first moon landing and Neil Armstrong's words, "That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind"? Forty years—it doesn't seem possible. We have seen the birth of the Internet, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the cloning of a mammal, and other remarkable achievements; we have also experienced AIDS, the Tiananmen Square massacre, 9/11 and war.

It seems to me that everything is relative. I have only faint recall of some of the events I've listed above, and as for the moon landing, I do not remember it at all. I was dealing personally with some extremely difficult "small steps" of my own and didn't see Armstrong's famous one. I am not alone in this response, for the memory of a near-tragedy (a child almost drowned) has, for some in my family, pushed out awareness of the space adventure that was happening at the same time. There were others, I'm sure, who could not just dismiss their compelling circumstances in order to give attention to something else, even though it was as epic as stepping onto the moon. Mothers were birthing babies, families were burying their loved ones, accidents and crimes and weddings and baptisms were happening as usual. Life just goes on.

So then, we cannot be casually dismissive of people who don't seem to know what's been going on. And don't be embarrassed if you feel you "can't keep up." One mother told me that she was so overwhelmed with caring for her disabled child that she was hardly aware of the Viet Nam war, at the same time other women were so concerned for a military husband or son that they could think of nothing else. It all depends on who you are and where you are and what is happening at the time.

The world won't stop to watch and wonder while I take the small steps of my life, even though they seem difficult or daring to me. But there is One who notices. "What's the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don't be intimidated by all this bully talk. You're worth more than a million canaries!" (Matthew 10:29-31)

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Maybe It's Time to Give It Up

2009-07-30T16:18:00.008-05:00

I ran across an interesting book the other day and checked it out from the Children's Center at the library: It's Time to Give Up Your Pacifier. Again, the blogging part of my brain kicked into gear, as I thought about some of the things we grownups cling to and just haven't been able to give up. Like children, we may have "pacifiers" that keep us busy or "security blankets" that comfort us, which we long since should have outgrown!

* An old argument: "I know I was right, I don't care what anybody says."

* A learned prejudice: "My daddy didn't trust . . . lawyers . . . or anyone from [wherever] . . . or the government . . . [or you name it], and so I don't either."

* A childhood resentment: "My parents always favored my brother . . . my sister . . . the youngest . . . the oldest . . ."

* A disagreement from long ago: "Ever since the church business meeting in '98, she has never spoken to me."

* A sense of entitlement: "I've worked hard all my life and made my own way, and now I deserve . . ."

* An exaggerated forlornness: "No one cares. No one ever calls. Not my parents . . . or my children . . . or the pastor . . . or [whoever] . . ."

* A distrust of others' good will: "Don't count on anybody's help if you're old . . . you're female . . . a minority . . . disabled . . . unemployed . . ."

* An unfounded suspicion: "I've always wondered why she . . . I'll bet she is . . ."

* A smoldering anger: "Every time I hear about [whatever], I get soooo mad!"

* A perceived injustice: "Things never work out for me. I never get to . . ."

* An envious excuse: "Some people get all the breaks."

* And perhaps the most common of all, the helpless and hopeless, "I can't."

Some of these may seem silly—especially the ones that are not about you or me!—but they are real to the people who own them, as real as Emily's or Anthony's or Chloe's pacifier. These feelings and attitudes console us, making us feel better about ourselves as we regard other people with less grace. The book said that growing up means finding new things to make you happy.
Bye-bye, "pacifier." Maybe it's time just to give it up!

Marjorie

Like Elijah

2009-07-16T16:35:00.001-05:00

I'm not running from a wicked queen who is out to get me, nor am I going to be hiding out in a cave. Like Elijah, though, I intend for the next ten days or so to sleep and then wake up and eat and then sleep some more and then eat some more, and in between, I will read and walk and talk and think and pray.

It's staycation time—a new word in our dictionary now—a combination of vacationing and staying at home. For a week I am going to be at a nearby country location with a lake and grass and trees and a lot of blue sky, if it doesn't rain as it often does on vacations! There are walking paths (one of them designated as a "prayer path), a hammock, rocking chairs on the patio, friendly cats and perfectly lovely hosts. I could pitch a tent there, but I prefer the comfort of a real bed and some air conditioning in what my family fondly calls "the garden level" accommodations (a walkout basement). There is no television, no cell phone reception (although the hosts have a landline if guests have an emergency), minimal kitchen facilities—nothing to do except the things I mentioned above. Praise be!

I am not expecting an earthquake or wind or fire like Elijah experienced, but I am hoping like him to hear the "still small voice." I'll be back blogging again around the end of July.

Marjorie

It's Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood

2009-07-11T18:32:00.003-05:00

Many people have used the line that titles this article. It sells books and articles, programs of hypnotherapy and inner healing, workshops, and even a nutritional supplement. People like novelist Tom Robbins and motivational speaker Wayne Dwyer say it's so, and I believe it as well.

You may be quite aware that some infants exhibit the syndrome called "failure to thrive." They simply do not grow as they should. In many of these cases there is no apparent organic disorder; the growth failure occurs because of environmental neglect (basically, lack of food which can be caused in a number of ways) or stimulus deprivation. Stimulation may be lacking because of the caregivers' anxiety, apathy, hostility or other stresses not all of which are the adult's "fault." The baby can become depressed, apathetic, and ultimately unwilling or unable to eat.

News to me, although perhaps not to you, is the geriatric syndrome, "failure to thrive." Some elderly patients with declining health and strength, including those who do not have an acute illness or a severe chronic disease, undergo a process of functional decline, progressive apathy, and a loss of willingness to eat and drink that ends in death. Often the cause of the deterioration is not identifiable, but it should not be dismissed as a necessary part of aging. All of this to say: The medical profession recognizes that at both ends of life, it is critical to receive the care we need—not only physical nourishment, but the comfort, acceptance, and hope that others can provide. And all the years in between, we never outgrow that need.

Although our physical growth may not have been stunted by some degree of negligence, nevertheless, some of us still have inside us the little person we once were who did not have the opportunity to flourish. We grew into adolescence and then adulthood with some basic needs unmet, in most cases not because we were not loved, but because our parents or guardians did not know how to nurture a child. They probably had inside of themselves the little persons they once were who had not been nurtured. If we did not—and if we do not—receive the encouragement and acceptance we need from others, we must be certain to provide it for ourselves.

Part of growing up is learning how to take care of oneself: how to bathe and how to fry an egg, how to press clothes and drive safely, how to write a check and get up in time for work. What we sometimes never learn, because we don't realize that we need to, is how to make good decisions, how to love and forgive, how to trust and treat ourselves with respect, how to be happy. If we did not learn it earlier, that is our task as a grownup now.

Some people take this very literally, suggesting that you spend time with your "inner child" every day, breathing deeply and noticing what she wants and needs. Do some of your favorite childhood activities. (Sorry, I just can't see myself climbing trees again!) Find and frame a photo from your childhood; talk to that adorable little girl and enjoy her company. Hang out with children. Bring back naptime; curl up with a blankie and have a nap. (Now this I can see!)

If you had a less-than-happy childhood, and these are helpful, then by all means, enjoy! But the real issue, I think, is creating for our selves the same atmosphere of warmth and caring that lets infants and the elderly thrive. Having a happy childhood at a later stage of life may include—but does not necessarily require—re-creating those younger days, doing all the fun stuff you missed, making up for some earlier, real or imagined deprivation. What it might mean is a healthful diet or dental care or counseling that was out of reach when we were children. It might mean going back to school or traveling or taking up an interest that was not possible before. It might mean telling family members or friends, "I need your support in this."

If we think about it, we are probably not all that far from knowing what it means.

Marjorie

Read from my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way," the article Goodbye to a Person You Once Knew.

Choose Your Battles

2009-06-29T18:54:00.002-05:00

No one can give time and energy to every cause, good though it may be. No one can possibly enter every single battle, let alone win them all. As noble a goal as it is, no one person is going to be able to help right every wrong. It's important, then, for us to discern in which causes and battles we should be engaged.

A story in the Old Testament can give us some instruction. (II Samuel 2:18-23) Joab, Abishai, and Asahel were King David's nephews, sons of his sister Zeruiah. All three were engaged in the war being fought against the house of Saul. Asahel was known for being an especially swift runner; he was like a gazelle. Fueled by anger or pride, he began chasing Abner, the commander of Saul's forces. What a trophy this would be to take back to his fellow soldiers: Abner, either dead or alive! He might be credited with winning the war, securing the kingdom for David, practically single-handed! Although Asahel was one of David's special group of thirty "mighty men," his fighting skill was undoubtedly less than that of the experienced soldier he was pursuing. Along the way, he paid no attention to opportunities to take other prisoners; his eyes were on Abner only. He chased after the officer relentlessly, not stopping for anything.

Abner looked back and saw someone coming after him. He called out, "Is that you, Asahel?"

"Yes, it is!"

"Go fight someone else!" Abner warned. "Take on one of the younger men to your right or left and strip him of his weapons." Knowing the young soldier was no match for his own experience, he offered an alternate action of safety and honor. He did not ask the young man to disgrace himself by dropping his pursuit entirely, but only to take on a cause more suited to his strength. It would appear to anyone watching that he had chased some other person, not Abner himself.

Asahel perhaps thought Abner's suggestion was made from fear, as they were now close enough to call back and forth to one another. This may even have fired his determination to disarm the general and take him prisoner, or else to kill him in hand-to-hand combat. Asahel continued his chase.

Abner shouted to him again. "Get away from here!" he begged. "I don't want to kill you! Don't make me do that! How could I face your brother Joab again?" Whether he respected Joab or feared him, he did not want to anger him. If Asahel did not turn aside, Abner would have to kill or be killed.

Asahel refused to turn back, and Abner thrust backward with the butt end of his spear, a move so powerful that the spear was driven all the way through the young soldier's body. He stumbled to the ground and died on the spot. Everyone that came by stopped and stood still when they saw Asahel, the ambitious young soldier lying there.

He was brave. He was determined. He was fighting a noble cause. And he was dead.

It is poor strategy for us to take on causes just because we are eager to do so. Fighting battles just to show our strength or ability—like who is "boss" here or who is "right"—are seldom effective in the long run. A "death-blow" can come from the direction we least expect it if we engage in conflict that we were not meant to enter.

When facing their enemies, kings and commanders in the Scripture would ask of the Lord, "Shall we enter the battle?" And God would tell them that they should and He would give victory, or He would tell then not to for they would meet with defeat. We are confronted on all sides with issues: family relationships, church decisions, community actions, political questions, social problems. We cannot possibly be involved in all of them. God will help us to choose the battles where we will be most effective for the cause of Christ, and to have a clear conscience concerning the rest.

Marjorie

Denial: Not Just a River in Egypt

2009-06-26T15:26:00.002-05:00

"Don't be such a crybaby," a sibling teases.
(Sobbing) I'm not a crybaby!

My oatmeal tastes nasty.
"It's not nasty. Eat it," the parent warns.

"You'll hardly feel it," the doctor says.
Oww-oww—before the shot, oww-oww-oww—afterwards.

Some of us learned early that our emotions and sensory experiences were not acceptable to those around us. We learned that, by all indications, they cannot be trusted.

We were wrong.

So now we say, "Problem? There's not a problem," to avoid a confrontation.
I am so mad I could spit nails.

"Of course I'll help with your garage sale," we agree.
I really don't want to. Why did I say "yes"?

"It's okay. I don't mind," as friend or family member oversteps the boundary. I guess I've got to be okay with this if I want to be a good daughter / wife / mother / Christian.

And we are still wrong. We are keeping stuffed deep inside ourselves our feelings, our opinions, our instincts. This makes us, to some degree, inauthentic in our interaction with others. More dangerously, however, it creates a duplicity in our own thinking. Eventually, this will either erupt in anger and open damage to our relationships, or it will blunt our perception and cause us to abandon our personal selves. We tell ourselves over and over again, "This doesn't really matter," when it does matter, or "I shouldn't let this bother me," when it would bother any reasonable person. That self-talk takes us back to the immaturity of our childhood when we were taught that we did not know what we felt or that it did not matter.

We do know what we feel, or we can learn to feel it. Denying that it matters will do nothing for us except to make us a "Queen of Denial," which is not just a river in Egypt.

Marjorie

To read more about truth-telling, see some earlier posts on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog. Click on these titles:
Things Mama Taught Me: Tell the Truth
To Thine Own Self Be True
Crossing the Bridge

The Anatomy of Excess

2009-06-19T16:46:00.004-05:00

What if ordinary excesses—not illegal stuff, but things like too much food, too much TV, too much shopping, too much weightless reading—are not so much the result of a selfish, undisciplined spirit and more the consequence of not giving oneself the necessary healthful care?

What if the failures we have seen high-profile leaders make in their personal lives did not announce to the world, "I was so weak; shame on me," but tell us that they did not heed their internal defense system which attempted, early on, to warn them about finding helpful ways to relieve stress and manage the demands made upon them?

What if the people we would criticize for their inconsistent application of "recovery" steps—whether of Alcoholics Anonymous, drug rehab, or anger management regimens—are struggling not just with a habit but with a numbing gridlock of the mind, an addiction begun because there seemed to be no way to cope with the life they faced?

What if we could convince the suicidal person, long before that act of ultimate excess, that the redemptive declaration is valid, "While there's life, there's hope."

What if we could learn to care properly for this vulnerable body and breakable spirit?

Just wondering . . .

Marjorie

Questions Are Okay

2009-06-17T19:00:00.009-05:00

We don't always use balanced examples from Scripture when we are deciding how to order our lives as Christians. Take those Corinthian women who were forbidden to speak in the church . . . Paul writes to the church there, "Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church." Those verses are I Corinthians 14: 34, 35 which I quoted from the King James Version of the Holy Bible, because that four-hundred-year-old version is where I first learned the so-called "place of women in the church." And silencing the voice of women is an idea still clung to by many folks today.

But let's look at another example:

"God gave Solomon wisdom—the deepest of understanding and the largest of hearts. There was nothing beyond him, nothing he couldn't handle. Solomon's wisdom outclassed the vaunted wisdom of wise men of the East, outshone the famous wisdom of Egypt. He was wiser than anyone . . . He created 3,000 proverbs; his songs added up to 1,005. He knew all about plants, from the huge cedar that grows in Lebanon to the tiny hyssop that grows in the cracks of a wall. He understood everything about animals and birds, reptiles and fish. Sent by kings from all over the earth who had heard of his reputation, people came from far and near to listen to the wisdom of Solomon." (I Kings 4:29-34)

"The queen of Sheba heard about Solomon and his connection with the Name of God. She came to put his reputation to the test by asking tough questions. She made a grand and showy entrance into Jerusalem—camels loaded with spices, a huge amount of gold, and precious gems. She came to Solomon and talked about all the things that she cared about, emptying her heart to him. Solomon answered everything she put to him—nothing stumped him. When the queen of Sheba experienced for herself Solomon's wisdom and saw with her own eyes the palace he had built, the meals that were served, the impressive array of court officials and sharply dressed waiters, the lavish crystal, and the elaborate worship extravagant with Whole-Burnt-Offerings at the steps leading up to The Temple of God, it took her breath away.

"She said to the king, 'It's all true! Your reputation for accomplishment and wisdom that reached all the way to my country is confirmed. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself; they didn't exaggerate! Such wisdom and elegance—far more than I could ever have imagined. Lucky the men and women who work for you, getting to be around you every day and hear your wise words firsthand! And blessed be God, your God, who took such a liking to you and made you king. Clearly, God's love for Israel is behind this, making you king to keep a just order and nurture a God-pleasing people.' " (I Kings 10:1-9)

I am struck by the fact that this wealthy and wise king—although his personal life was not well-ordered—permitted questioning by a foreign, "heathen" woman. Perhaps she asked about the things that amaze us as well. "Why do plants turn to the sun?" "Why do birds sing while donkeys bray?" "How is life created in a mother's womb?" She opened her heart to him, so she may have asked, "Why does Israel not have a queen?" "How should my kingdom meet the needs of the poor?" "Why do you worship your particular god?" Nothing was too hard for him to answer, and apparently nothing was too incidental either. True, this did not occur in a church setting, but it was, after all, in the court of the wisest of all men; God said there had not been anyone like him before nor would there ever be.

So I'm thinking that a woman's questions are legitimate. The Corinthian women lived in a Greek culture where "public women" were disreputable. For a woman to speak out would indicate she was shamelessly bold. No such prohibition is given for any of the other churches for whom there are letters in the New Testament, but only to Corinth and to Ephesus where Timothy was located. If a woman finds herself in a situation where speaking up would discount her testimony, then maybe she will want to keep her thoughts to herself. But otherwise . . .

Questions are okay.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

The Mind of Christ

2009-06-12T15:35:00.001-05:00

In my experience as a Christian, I have often heard the Scripture quoted, "We have the mind of Christ," and unfortunately, sometimes that was interpreted as though it read, "What I think is the way Jesus would think." This statement was then used as the compelling reason to require cooperation, obedience, or specifically for women and children, "submission."

The meaning of this verse is clearer in its context and in a modern translation: "Isaiah's question, 'Is there anyone around who knows God's Spirit, anyone who knows what he is doing?' has been answered: Christ knows, and we have Christ's Spirit." (I Corinthians 2:16 MSG, emphasis mine) To have "the mind of Christ" is to make God's priorities our own and to seek the fulfillment of His purposes. "Thy Kingdom come; Thy will be done."

"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus . . . " Does that sound like one person making demands of another to conform to his/her wishes? Does that seem to prescribe a hierarchy of importance and value? The mind of Christ is expressed in humility and the heart of a servant: "You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross." (Philippians 2:5-8 NLT)

Charles Sheldon, the Topeka pastor who wrote "In His Steps" over a hundred years ago, challenged his congregation to follow Jesus as a moral example. The resurgence in the 90's of "W.W.J.D." led many to give thoughtful consideration to Christian behavior—a very good thing—but it is a mistake to think that clear direction will come with trying to figure out what He would do if He were here in the twenty-first century. Why should we not just get right to the heart of the matter: What is Jesus saying to me and through me now? How is Jesus in me wanting to act?

Seeking the mind of Christ for oneself does not imply that there will be no corporate guidelines for Christian behavior. Families have rules; churches and other organizations have regulations. But to claim the authority of Jesus Christ over others without having His attitude is presumptuous, inconsiderate, and dangerous.

Marjorie

You might like to read some further thoughts on "hierarchy", posted in my "Finding the Faith Way" blog. Click here.

Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotation marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Roses, and Some Women I Know

2009-06-11T15:56:00.001-05:00

A disclaimer: I am not a rosarian! I do have an area beside my home that I lovingly call "a rose garden," so I have been reading about different kinds of roses and their culture. Among my friends, I find some similarities to these wonderful flowers.

Greenhouse plants are cultivated for their singular beauty. There will not be a lot of flowers, maybe only one, but it will be "perfect." On the other hand, some garden climbers bloom so profusely that the trellis or fence supporting them is covered with roses and the ground beneath has been showered with petals. They are smaller flowers, true, and not so delicately formed, but the lavish display makes up for that difference.

To satisfy the American taste for what is big and bright, flower breeders have produced new strains of roses that have giant, long-lasting flowers in stunning colors. Along the way, though, most of the fragrance has been inadvertently bred out of some of those specimens. Many mass-produced roses have no detectable scent at all. Some of the garden-grown ones, however, are so sweet that one cut bloom can make a whole room fragrant.

If roses are obtained from a florist, they were probably cut before they were in full bloom, perhaps still only buds. The thorns will have been removed, and the stems tended carefully so that the flowers stay beautiful for several days inside one's home. Roses in the garden may not last as long, exposed as they are to the elements, pests, and disease. Some buds get damaged and never form a full flower. They have kept their thorns, however, to protect themselves from children and dogs, and many kinds bloom again and again throughout the season to please the rose-lover.

Need I explain the analogies? It's enough, I think, to say that all kinds of roses are lovely. And women whose experiences differ greatly and whose lives have not all been formed in the same way are equally lovely and valuable.

Marjorie

"We Are Pro-Body"

2009-06-09T15:49:00.003-05:00

I recently saw a billboard ad for a local health center stating, “We are pro-body.” I have to assume that means, “We want to help you make your body the best it can be.”

My growing-up years carried a lot of anti-body messages—no, not antibodies of the kind that help rid us of viruses by attacking them before we become ill, but “anti-you-have-a-body.” My father was physical; his work demanded strength and stamina. My brothers were expected to be physical: doing farm chores, riding bikes, playing softball. While I was not forbidden to participate in these activates, how well could I to do them in a dress? Some activities were forbidden by my parents and/or by the Church: dancing, roller skating (at a rink), and swimming in a group of both boys and girls.

Looking back, and seeking to be charitable, I think my parents and the church may not have intended to teach a dualistic theology of mind versus body. "Mind = good. Body = bad." The Scripture teaches clearly that "flesh" and "spirit" oppose one another and in fact are warring within the individual believer. But flesh, in this instance, does not mean the same as body, but rather is unredeemed human nature with its inborn tendency to be wholly selfish. "The mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God [which is love, remember] for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh [living out their selfish, unloving nature] cannot please God. (Romans 8:7, 8 NASB)

Sadly, I think this teaching was misunderstood to mean that the body is not acceptable—not to God and not to us if we want to please Him. Again, probably none of those who gave me religious instruction would have espoused that teaching. Did I just get it wrong? I don't think so, for it was demonstrated pretty clearly in daily life. Specifically, there seemed to be something basically wrong with being in a female body. My mother hid herself (and me) in clothing which had the chief attribute of shapelessness. My father warned me that girls were responsible for the moral behavior of their dates, and a tent revivalist told us in the crudest of terms that we women, with our irresistible but wicked charms, were responsible for men going to hell. Is it any wonder that I had trouble claiming my body?

Although the physical body is only temporary, God thinks it's important. He could have used any means at all to form the ultimate revelation of Himself to humankind. And what did He choose? A human body. Would God have given Christ a body in which to live on earth if He thought bodies were a bad idea? In spite of the senses and appetites which sometimes get us into difficulty, God used a body to hold Himself. And He still does. He is pro-body.

Marjorie

Scripture is from the New American Standard Bible, used by permission of http://www.lockman.org/

Take Care of the Tools

2009-06-05T16:48:00.002-05:00

When I stopped living in apartments and had my own little house, I took a great interest for the first time in yard and garden. I planted a number of trees and bushes, put in a square-foot garden, and laid out a strawberry patch. I had never owned tools before, but as the need arose, I purchased them so that eventually I had a basic collection. (No, I don't borrow, but I don't loan either!) A favorite uncle who lived right next door impressed upon me, by his example, how important it was to take care of the tools. I still clean and oil them after each use; consequently, my hoes and shovels and rakes are not rusty even though they're well-used. The bonus: they are always ready for use when I need them!

I haven't always, though, taken care of my most important tools—the physical framework in which I live—and sometimes I still don't do a very good job. There are times when a greater good calls for sacrifice on our part, so what I say here is not a criticism of attention to our duty or decision. It is intended to remind us to care for the "tools" that are irreplaceable, intended to last for our lifetime. All we can do is the best we can.

Young mothers, especially if you are also working and/or going to school—Do the best you can. The very recognition that you actually need adult conversation, the freedom to read either "mind candy" or a challenging book, a "Y" membership or a pot of tulips in the kitchen will be freeing. Breadwinners, either men or women, whose work is demanding or whose job search is frustrating—Do what you have to do. But expect and plan for the time when there will be a little relief, not just retirement down the road, but an hour here or there to call your own. Meanwhile, have that checkup! Wear that seat belt! Eat those vegetables! Walk those extra steps!

Just a little investment now pays big dividends later. That goes for shovels and rakes—and for bodies.

Marjorie

"I Deserve . . ."

2009-06-02T17:50:00.001-05:00

"I deserve . . ." are words that I can hardly bring myself to say. During the years of my youth, it was firmly instilled in me that life doesn't owe me anything. Later, spiritual trainers taught me that "Christians have no rights." Consequently, I arrived at adulthood believing that the appropriate thing to do was treat myself poorly. The result was unhealthful eating habits, too few hours of sleep, no time for exercise, and unrewarding relationships.

The time came finally when I began to realize that this was not the way God intended for me to live. I was able to say, albeit with wavering conviction, "I deserve better . . .", although I didn't really know how to get that. I am now learning that it is, as with so many things, a matter of balance. No, we cannot just "float," believing that everything will somehow work out and what we need will be provided by our family or the Church or the government. At the other extreme, we should not equate poor and rejected with "holy."

Reading of Jesus' life, we see that He stopped to eat, He stopped to rest, and He stopped to pray. (Walking everywhere, He did not have to be concerned about getting exercise!) But Jesus did not lose awareness of other people while He tended to His own needs. He did not shut others out, but sometimes laid aside His own justifiable agenda in order to minister to them. He was a master of balance.

Did Jesus exercise "His rights"? I think so. He was the Son of God, and sometimes He claimed that Divine authority and used that power. He was also son of man, so He celebrated at the Cana wedding, He wept at Lazarus' tomb, and He became angry at the merchants in the Temple. The details of Jesus' death show clearly that His "human rights" were violated, but throughout His life, Jesus claimed His right to act like a human. Again, He had mastered the art of balance.

By advocating "I deserve. . .", I am not suggesting that we become selfish or that we abdicate our responsibilities. I am becoming more and more aware of the rhythms of life. There are seasons when we are just too busy. Small children consume our time and energy, or there is an ill or frail family member to whom we give care. We struggle through the double-time march of job and schooling. The state of the family finances means having to work longer or differently than we expected. A relationship requires our special nurturing for a time. A period of demanding work in our career takes extra attention. But when that season is over, what then?

Sometimes we continue, after it is no longer mandated, the lifestyle we developed through necessity. We eat on the run, sleep too little, watch too much TV because we're so tired we can't read, and give little consideration to the things that bring beauty and peace and meaning to life. We "deserve" these things, not because we are somebody better than those around us, but because you and I are "one of the least of Jesus' brethren" too.

Marjorie

The Seasons of Life

2009-05-30T15:41:00.001-05:00

Zachery was the eagerly-awaited grandbaby, read and sung to in the womb, loved and prayed for--and stillborn. Two years had passed, and I was still grieving because it seemed to us that medically his death should not have happened. I mourned not only the loss of the baby but also the ugly rift that it caused in his parents' relationship. Some losses can be reasoned with, figured out. This could not. It was wasteful and needless, a terrible trauma in all our lives, and I just had not been able to get past the enormous load of pain to leave it all completely in God's hands. One bright October day, I was walking in the woods at a private "retreat" place in the country, marveling at the brilliant display of fall color: vibrant yellow and scarlet, complemented by more somber shades of brown. Above them all, there was a vast expanse of achingly intense blue sky. As I crunched my way through the thick layer of leaves on the floor of the woods, I had the distinct impression that the Creator of all this beauty wanted me to understand something. "Notice and honor the cycles of life."

Looking about, I saw among the living trees some fallen ones; their gnarled trunks had their own special beauty. Some were still useful as well as handsome, forming the rails of the fence or providing places to sit in the warm sunshine. The thought came to me: "Well, trees just don't live forever. And people don't either. I guess I'm now in the autumn season of life."

Then I noticed around me the little seedlings that were sprouting up here and there. Next year, I decided, and the next and the next, there will be new trees to take the place of the old. "Honor the cycles of life." I could see those cycles here in the woods: living, flowering, bearing fruit, adding value, sharing beauty, changing, and finally—dying. Life in the woods will go on though, and that will be true in my life too. Baby Erin, the newest member of our extended family at that time, along with the other children in her generation will fulfill God's purpose for them, and the cycle of life's seasons will continue long after I am gone. That is not to be feared or shunned. It is good! "My times, Lord, are in Your hand."

Then I made my way to the pasture planted in brome grass. It was stiff and brown, and the immediate realization came: Some things, unlike the trees, have a very short life. The brome grass. Zachery. And God whispered to my heart, "Accept the short growth season of Zachery's life. I rule the seasons." I looked again at the brome. It was not really dead. It had been mowed short and would soon go dormant, but it was not dead. Nor is Zachery dead, I thought, although his season of growth was cut short. His life is abundant now, his growth unequaled in the perfect conditions of heaven!

"But Lord, I still can't understand why . . ." I so wanted an explanation! God's final word was, "There is mystery in the seasons." With that, I will have to be content. There may never be satisfactory answers for some of the things in life--but nevertheless there is comfort. God is in control!

As if to confirm what God was saying, the Scripture portion assigned for our meditation arrested my attention. "For you created [Zachery's] inmost being; You knit him together in his mother's womb . . . His frame was not hidden from You when he was made in that secret place . . . Your eyes saw his unformed body. All the days ordained for him [although not one of them was lived on earth] were written in Your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13, 15, 16)

Lord, what can I say? You were there when the doctor told the devastated parents, "I'm not getting a heartbeat." You were there in that hospital room when the agony of childbirth produced only a dead baby. You were there when we held Zachery, stroked his dark hair, adored his tiny fingers—and then went home with empty arms. This numbing, awful thing was not a dream—it was really happening—and You were really there! It was dark for us—so very, very dark. But it is all the same to You. Night and day are alike. You are not confused or uncertain. The Scripture says, "The night is as light to You." (Psalm 139:12) In our most awful night, just as in the light, You are always here—watching, waiting, wooing us.

That farm place has new owners now, and is no longer available to me for retreats, but it will always be a "sacred space" in my memory. I think of that day as I encounter the changing seasons of my life. Singleness. Child-rearing. Marriage. Loss of husband. Singleness again. Returning to work in the public sector. Some plans not carried out, some dreams not yet fulfilled. And yes, aging too! It's not helpful to deny or try to avoid that. All the seasons of life are good. The dark times and the light-filled ones are good. I am learning to accept and honor them.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Jubilee!

2009-05-28T15:36:00.001-05:00

Jubilee!

Life is not downhill after fifty! In fact, quite a number of authors have written books about how to make the after-fifty years healthy, productive—and fun:

-- Portfolio Life : The New Path to Work, Purpose, and Passion After 50

-- Fitness After 50

-- Second Careers : New Ways to Work After 50

-- Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50 : Revving Up the Romance, Passion & Excitement!

-- Writing After Fifty: How to Find-Enjoy-and Make Money from a New Career as a Writer After You Retire [What I'm doing, except the part about making money!]

I don't know if it is realistic or not, but I like to think of fifty or thereabouts as the halfway point, and apparently I am not alone in that. Other writers spell it out:

-- Encore : Finding Work That Matters in the Second Half of Life

-- The Creative Age" Awakening Human Potential in the Second Half of Life

-- Living Your Unlived Life: Coping with Unrealized Dreams and Fulfilling Your Purpose in the Second Half of Life

And my very favorite title:

-- I'm Not as Old As I Used to Be: Reclaiming Your life in the Second Half

Tomorrow is my birthday—somewhat beyond fifty years and well into the second half of life. (I plan to be a very old lady!) The year I would be turning fifty, I badly needed fresh hope for the years ahead. I was five years past a painful divorce, but still living in a world of hurt. As a stressed-out single mom, I was working full-time and attending classes for a graduate degree. I knew about the Old Testament laws that provided rest for the land every Sabbatical (seventh) year. After seven seven's, the fiftieth year was the Year of Jubilee. This was a time of great celebration when the land was returned to its original owners, slaves were freed, and debts were forgiven.

"It seems to me," I said to the Lord, "that this fiftieth year should be a year of jubilee for me. I don't expect my financial obligations to be erased, but would You please release me from this oppressive sense of guilt and worry, and restore the peace that is rightfully mine as one of Your children?"

And He did! At an unexpected moment some months later, a few simple words from His heart to mine just washed away the accumulation of rejection and fear and self-doubt. Circumstances did not change, but my outlook did. Life again held meaning and promise. The years since my Year of Jubilee have been far more rewarding than the years before. I'm not nearly as old as I used to be!

I share my experience sometimes, and tell women to relish the possibilities that lie ahead. Whichever side of fifty you are on, you can expect fifty-plus to be good. You can look ahead to that mark and plan for the second half of life to be full and rich, or you can look back to that mark and make up for some lost time if need be! "Fifty and better" is not just an advertising catch-phrase for magazines and banks and community activity centers. It's the truth, if you decide to have a Jubilee!

Marjorie

Still Writing

2009-05-25T15:06:00.001-05:00

Commitment to my writing tasks is being tested! My computer has taken an unauthorized leave of absence--the victim, I think, of some online mischief. I am still doing my best to post regularly, but I will have to post my blog entries from somewhere else--maybe the library--so just be patient, please!

I used to write the first draft of everything in longhand. (There are some very famous authors who do/have done that, you know!) There were long lines of scratched-out, deathless prose; arrows pointed from here to there and back again; notes referred back to page 3 or ahead to page 5. Only I could follow those inky pages and transcribe them on my trusty portable Remington into more-or-less readable type. I may or may not have been gifted--but for sure, I was determined!

Then computers became a part of my life. I didn't own a computer; I used one at the public library or in the lab at the university where I was taking classes. "But,"I said, "I will never again type a paper on the typewriter if I can help it!" All the editing and re-writing and spell-checking and especially footnoting had become so easy!

Now I'm back to the yellow legal pad, my "wireless" pen, and a borrowed computer. And I am still determined. Having waited several decades to have a writing "voice," I won't be deterred now! You'll still be hearing from me.

Marjorie

Genny's Story - 10: Healing

2009-05-24T15:32:00.008-05:00

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny is telling us about the process of healing after her abusive marriage to Jim.
Marjorie: How about other people, friends and family members? Were they supportive?

Genny: Hardly anybody knew, but the few that did were God's gift to me! I don't think I could have made it without their love and wisdom and their acceptance of my crazy thinking!

M: The Bible tells us that God heals the brokenhearted. Did you pray for healing?

G: All the time! But healing doesn't always come with someone's emphatic prayer or a little dab of oil on your forehead. For me, the single most significant turning point was one morning when a visiting minister to our church spoke on the marriage relationship, how it is for companionship and care and protection of one another. A great sorrow swept over me and I thought, "Oh, just look at what I've missed, what I'm never going to have!" And God spoke in my heart, as clearly as if He had said it out loud, "You have been so hurt and disappointed that you have forgotten how strong and sufficient I was all those years you were single." That changed my outlook completely, because from that day until now I have tried to turn my attention to new ways of remembering. I turn the pain into something positive. And I want to add that this is a very real thing to me, not just another slick way of learning to cope.

M: Tell us how you do this.

G: Well, for example when I recall, "We were sitting in this very restaurant when Jim got angry and stomped out." Then I say, "But oh, Lord, thank You that You are so patient. You have never threatened to leave me."

"Here were all these lies, a whole web of deceit in Jim's life. But God, You are the Faithful One! You are always reliable, perfect in your trustworthiness. I thank You!

"So much scorn was heaped on me. But You, Lord, have always treated me with respect. You have led me through difficult circumstances sometimes, but You have never tried to humiliate me. Thank You!"

And so on through every painful memory. "Lord, You are the perfect Giver. Thank You for giving to me everything pertaining to life and godliness, not for what You might get in return, but out of Your love for me!"

"God, You are not after the control that bars my humanity. You are in control because You are God, but You don't rule Your obedient child with a harsh rod. Thank You!

"Your love is pure, untainted by unrighteous motives. You have nothing to prove about Yourself. And you have no need to make me prove something! Thank You, Lord!

"God, with You there is no shadow of turning. I never have to question your continued love and loyalty. Thank You!

"Lord, Your words are sweeter than honey! Even when You correct me, I feel Your love lifting me to a better place. I thank You!

"God, I know You have a sense of humor, but it is so gentle. You don't seem to laugh at put-downs of people or make light of life's issues. Thank You!

"Lord, You did not choose comfort, but the way of the Cross. You did not choose ease but sacrifice. How I thank You!

"God, You know who You are, the great I AM. You know who I am. And You are letting me learn who we are! Thank You, thank You!"

I have to say that this has not only changed my response to memories, but it has also given me a better understanding and a closer relationship with God the Father. The Scripture even talks about Him being the husband of the forsaken, and that is a beautiful thought to hold onto if one has been hurt and disappointed.

M: So you're actually better and stronger than before? You thought God assured you that this marriage was for your joy and blessing—do you think it's possible that the deeper understanding and relationship with God that you now enjoy is what He was talking about?

G: Well, naturally I thought He meant that Jim and I would have this beautiful marriage and grow old together and all that. This was supposed to be the best part of our lives. I think that is what could have and should have happened, so this is terribly disappointing.. There is sorrow for myself, of course, but for God too, that He didn't get to see His plan worked out as He intended. God is God, but He does not always get what He wants because He lets us make choices.

M: But even though you're disappointed, you don't seem to have a lot of regret.

G: I don't. I believe I needed to marry Jim so that I would not spend the rest of my life regretting that I had missed the opportunity to make a home with this dearest of friends. And I needed to learn things about life and about myself that I didn't even know were missing. I don't think I would be where I am today without this experience, as awful as it was. And I am hoping that other women may be helped by what I have to share.

M: So then, all things really do work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose?

G: Yes, I know they do. I believe that with all my heart!

M: Genny, thank you for sharing! It has not been easy, has it?

G: No, but I have prayed often, "God, don't let what I have experienced be wasted." If our conversation gives to women some understanding and hope, then my prayer has been answered!

This is the end of Genny's shared story, but just the beginning of the new one she's living now!
___________________________________

*A recap of the books Genny mentioned, and others she found helpful:
Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical    and Emotional Abuse, by Paul Hegstrom
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO to Take Control of Your Life,    by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Finding Your Way through Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Physical, Emotional,    and Spiritual Healing, by Connie Fourré
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic    Violence, Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock
Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction, by Christine A. Adams
Telling Yourself the Truth: Find Your Way Out of Depression, Anxiety, Fear,    Anger, and Other Common Problems by Applying the Principles of    Misbelief Therapy, William Backus and Marie Chapman
Trauma: The Pain That Stays, by Robert Hicks
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to    Respond, by Patricia Evans
Whose Face Is in the Mirror? The Story of One Woman's Journey from the    Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True Healing, by Dianne Schwartz
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by    Lundy Bancroft

*Related Websites:

http://www.focusministries1.org/
http://www.drirene.com/ (This is a huge website, but there is a section where Christian women share with each other.)

Genny's Story - 9: Letting Go

2009-05-23T15:21:00.002-05:00

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.
Genny has been describing acceptance and healing following her abusive marriage.
Marjorie: I'm sure readers are going to want to know: How long does it take to get over trauma like this? How long have you been healing?

Genny: Sometimes I talk to people who are healing from trauma or loss and if they ask how long, I tell them, "Recovery takes as long as it takes." I won't give any other answer because everyone is different and the process is each person's own. How long for me? I don't know yet! Years, anyway.

M: So it's okay not to be "over it" when other people think it's time?

G: That's right! We don't treat any other injuries like that—only emotional and spiritual ones. Like any other loss--and it is a loss--I'm not sure you ever "get over it." At whatever stage a person is, it's okay to be not over it yet. On the other hand, there has to come a place of deep acceptance. That is another healing thing: just to let go. Here was someone I loved who could not or would not love me. And I have to just let that go. The reality is painful, but I found not facing it is even worse.

In my religious tradition, people talk about bringing something to the altar, or laying something on the altar, meaning that they are committing the person or situation completely to God; they are taking their hands off. There was a time—when I backed off because Jim was not involved that much--I "laid Jim on the altar." Well, after he was gone, one morning in church I reminded both myself and God that Jim was still "on the altar," and that I was still committed to following the Lord with my whole being. And God's whisper inside me said, "Now you have to walk away."

So I've had to let go of Jim and walk away from my illusion of a beautiful marriage and a happy home. I've had to face the weakness I have that gives others control of my happiness or success. I have many very good, strong relationships, but I am learning that what those friends or family members think of me is not the standard by which God measures me nor is it how I should measure myself. I am not oblivious to people's opinions, of course, but more and more I am able to recognize that the opinion I have of myself is valid too!

My counselor asked me once, since I had a failed marriage earlier in life, "Do you feel that you've failed again?" No, I didn't fail Jim. Even though we could not stay together, I kept my commitment until the very last. When we both knew there could be no happy ending, I assured him, "I will be faithful to you; you don't have to question that." Whether or not he might have is not the point; I was committed even though by then it was a hopeless cause. I have sometimes mistaken my attempts to rescue people and situations for a commitment to God. My taking the responsibility for things in other people's lives that they should be taking responsibility for themselves is not helping either me or them. And it's not even helping God! He has His own agenda with them. I have to let go of them.

M: I just "have to" ask you this: If you found the love of your life in church and yet it turned out so badly, what about the advice we often hear that church is where a Christian should look for a partner?

G: That's a very fine ideal, but if I've learned anything, it is that you can't always trust "nice." I certainly wouldn't exclude church, but I wouldn't recommend it exclusively for the same reason I wouldn't suggest online searches. Sure, it works out sometimes, but it also has a lot of potential for deceit and heartbreak. A person whose Christian faith is so genuine that you spot them at work or in the classroom or on a group tour or wherever may be a better risk than a "Sunday Christian." Just my opinion. [She grins.]

I wish I had read, years ago, the very practical lists I discovered in a book, Whose Face Is in the Mirror?— "His Warning Signs" and "Our Own Warning Signs." I've had to let go of some of my visionary model!

M: Were there other things you let go?

G: Yes, I quit holding myself to the rigid schedule that had kept me from flying apart. My doctor told me, "You need to begin doing some things that are fun." And I am not ashamed that he also prescribed medication to help me sleep. With his "permission," I began to ease up on myself. It was important for me to do things that brought order instead of chaos and uncertainty and noise for its own sake. Some people clean house like crazy or take up jogging. I needed to rest. I slept. I listened to a lot of beautiful, harmonious music, and I played the piano. I did crossword puzzles and picture puzzles. I read "omnivorously"—everything—and I watched movies if I was pretty sure they had good endings! And very importantly, I kept working where I had contact with people who were "normal." I began to feel sane again, better balanced, probably, than I have ever been in all my adult life.

M: So since you've been laying aside the anger and blame and hurt and worry, there's more room for positive things.

G: A lot more room! I hardly know who I am any more, but now, that's a good, healthy thing!

To be continued, concluding next time.

Genny's Story - 8: Learning to Help Myself

2009-05-22T15:33:00.002-05:00

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny talks about specific actions of her own that helped her recover from experiencing abuse.

Marjorie: You said that several things the counselor suggested were helpful to you in recovery, including journaling. Tell us a little about that.

Genny: I am a Christian, but still, forgiveness was a huge issue for me even though Jim and I were no longer together. I had been really terribly wronged, and I had miserable memories. But I knew I did not want to live with bitterness that would eat up my life. So a very important exercise for me was taking a bunch of note cards and organizing all the offenses I could think of that Jim had committed against me. I actually sorted and color-coded them! The first group was the things that irritate "everybody." Maybe ninety-five out of a hundred wives have a husband who tells them how to drive! Lots of husbands don't know how to sort laundry or they put off getting a haircut. I decided I should just forget those things. In the big picture, they are pretty inconsequential.

The next grouping was of the things that had made living with Jim harder than it had to be, but he had little awareness of how to make life run smoothly. He didn't tune in very well to anyone's feelings—not even his own. Everything was pretty much on the surface where words could get him by. So here I put a lot of things like always being late and not showering often enough and "forgetting" to carry his snack stuff back to the kitchen and making a great deal of noise. I remembered the verse that says "charity covers the multitude of sins," and I thought that's what I should do about these things—just deliberately choose to let love be bigger than they were. They had made life with Jim difficult, but they were not truly damaging.

Then there were the genuine wrongs against me: the control, the harsh words, the unkind comparisons, the deceit and lies, the selfishness and laziness. It was hard, but the only thing I could do about those past offenses was to forgive. "If you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive you." I forgave, and then if I remembered the hurtful thing again, I forgave again. Over and over. I still do.

And the last category was sin against God. I had to come to grips with the truth that some of the things in Jim's life are things that God's Word says He hates. Cursing, lust, lies, anger and evil-speaking . . .

M: And his abuse of you?

[Here Genny was silent for a long time.]

M: Is abuse an offense against God?

G: Yes. It breaks His second-greatest commandment. Love.

M: And what could you do about those wrongs?

G: It took me quite awhile to accept that that there was not one single thing I could do about them. Those are God's business, and I just have to leave it up to Him. His love for Jim is as great as His love for me, although I know He isn't pleased with Jim's choices about how to respond to that love. The choices he made would not have hurt me either, if I had not loved him. That is the risk love takes when we marry. It's the risk God takes all the time with each of us.

M: What would you say was the most difficult for you of all those offenses you listed?

G: I think the hardest was coming to the realization and then the acceptance that Jim had never really loved me.

M: And why do you come to that conclusion?

G: Because love doesn't do the things Jim did. No matter how I look at it, it just doesn't. Read the love chapter in the Bible, and you'll see how love behaves. I tried and tried to come up with some other answer, and as long as I was evading what was obvious truth, I wasn't healing. When I ruthlessly said to myself, "Okay, he didn't love me. Deal with it," I then began to gain control of my thoughts and emotions. That did not ease the sorrow, but you know, truth really does set us free, even if the truth is a terrible thing to face

M: But you said earlier that Jim asked you to marry him because he wanted you in his life. Wasn't that love?

G: No, he didn't actually say he wanted me in his life. He needed me, and I wasn't tuned in to that difference before we married. I believe he wanted my stability, my reputation with people, my active faith, my established home—maybe my steady income too, I don't know! Only later did I realize that he never did say, "I want to try to make your life easier and happier. I want to provide for you. I want to be with you always."

I wouldn't go so far as to say Jim set out to hurt me and make my life miserable. Control me? Yes, but I don't think he deliberately decided to do what would bring me pain. Use me? Yes, but that is just the way he expected the relationship to work. And he may well have thought that marriage would somehow make him different from the man he knew himself to be. He may have believed that a stable home and a loving wife were the answer to his misbehavior and have been surprised to find that it was not. I think he didn't really plan for this to cost him anything, and when he realized that love itself has demands—even though I was not personally making them—he opted out in every imaginable way: emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. And then blamed me for his inadequacies!

To be continued.

Genny's Story - 7: Someone to Help

2009-05-21T15:00:00.005-05:00

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny talks about getting help in recovery from her abusive home situation.

Marjorie: When you did finally realize that the kind of power play and control you were experiencing is actually abuse, you didn't tell anybody. Why not?

Genny: Who would believe it? And anyway, I was ashamed. I was a legal assistant, for heaven's sake! You'd think I would be smart enough to know . . .

M: It's not always a matter of being smart enough. But you've mentioned counseling. Was there someone that you and Jim saw?

G: Yes, twice, maybe three times. I decided we needed marriage counseling, but it turned out to be a lot more serious than just learning how to communicate with each other. Jim agreed to go because he knew we were in trouble; his heretofore mild-mannered little wife had declared that we were! After the first few sessions when the counselor began to get a feel for what was going on and began to probe a little, Jim got defensive—all right, really hostile—so much so that he pushed me away, and the counselor told me later that he was afraid for me after we left. Of course, then Jim refused to go back. He called me judgmental and treacherous for consulting a professional, but I knew in my heart that simply was not true. I continued in counseling, off and on, for about a year and a half, even after Jim and I were no longer together. The counselor suggested some books to read and journaling and group support too. Those were helpful to me.

I don't think people should be hesitant to get professional help. It's not weakness to have a doctor set a broken bone or prescribe medicine for your diabetes or to have a lawyer advise about a legal tangle. So we should get over being ashamed to have someone help us with other kinds of difficulty. I believe too that the kind of counselor a person has is so important. You have to have someone who is understanding but who will also help you face the truth.

M: How does one find such a counselor? Would you go to your pastor or other religious leader, or check the Yellow Pages, or what?

G: Oh no, don't check the Yellow Pages! I can't really tell anyone how to find the right person, but I think you might look for a counselor the same way you would look for a doctor. Ask someone. I understand from experience the shame and not wanting anyone to know, but you simply have to find someone who can help. You must tell. There are probably very few women under this kind of duress who can think through or even pray through their situation all alone. The local women's crisis center can help guide a woman toward professional assistance. Or there might even be someone she knows who has needed the kind of help she needs; ask them who they consulted. Ask them whether it was helpful; would they see that person again if necessary? That can be a start, or it may show who not to consult!

M: But how about one's spiritual advisor? Surely he or she can be trusted?

G: Umm, I want to be very cautious here. To tell you the truth, not very many pastors have training that is specific to abusive relationships. I think this training is quite necessary. And too, most pastors are not really able to invest the time that rehabilitation would take--because that's what it will be for the couple, rehab. It's not the same as pre-martial counseling or even counseling when a marriage is in trouble. The answer is not going to present itself in forty-five minutes of conversation and a brief prayer. And sadly, many pastors' understanding of the marriage relationship is much the same as the abuser's: The head of the home (the man) rules--period. The wife is expected to be quiet and submissive and obedient, and if there's a problem with that, she just needs to be more submissive and more obedient.

M: So lots of people, even some counselors, are going to see the abuse as the woman's fault, something she is doing or not doing?

G: I'm afraid that's so. Of course, I can't deny that there are women that are impossible to live with peaceably! But even that is no excuse for beating on them either physically or verbally. It's unlawful to attack people physically, and many psychologists will tell you that other, non-physical kinds of beatings do as much or more damage. It is not the victim's fault. We may blame ourselves, but it is not our fault. The only thing we have done wrong--wrong, as in being mistaken--is tolerating the abuse and then accepting the blame for it. The crux of the matter is that there is something basic in the abuser that needs changing. He or she has to give up the idea that they have the right to control everything--this other person, their environment, even God. The abuse was not about me; it was about Jim.

M: But did you ever feel guilty, like maybe it was partly your fault?

G: Not so much. That's why good counseling is so important. People who would have us believe that there are formulas to fix every marriage might tell me I should feel guilty. But professionals whose business this is, such as my counselor and the authors I read, say "No." Again, my only "fault" was accepting the abuse. My biggest mistake was believing that what Jim said was the truth. The counselor asked me, "Does Jim saying harsh, angry things make them so?" My response was, "If he says it loud enough and long enough, I start to believe it." So the counselor loaned me his book, Telling Yourself the Truth. I had to get past the excusing, which was what Jim did for himself. I had to face the fact that his behavior was not an aberration. He considered himself a victim—of his parents, of the schools and the Church, of Christian counselors, of his ex-wife, of the court system, of his employers, of life in general. And because he was a victim, he had the desire and perhaps even the "right" to hurt other people. From my reading, I know now that he was the classic abuser, and I was the classic spouse who could not understand why this was happening.

M: So then abuse is not about some failure on the part of the one who's on the receiving end?

G: Only in the sense that she—more often than not it's "she"—tolerates it. I learned that I had fed and perpetuated Jim's abuse. I read somewhere that we teach people how to treat us, so I was actually teaching Jim that he could treat me badly, and I would still be kind and gentle. And that I would still be around to cook his meals and do the laundry and pick up after him!

To be continued.