Forgive

If I had but a single word to share for my friends and myself to carry into the New Year, it would be "forgive."

FORGIVENESS opens the way to freedom from my own guilt. "In prayer there
is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness
from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your
part, you cut yourself off from God's part." (Matthew 6:14, 15
MSG)

FORGIVENESS reminds me of my own pardon and redemption. "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32 NASB)

FORGIVENESS unclutters the channel for God's blessing. “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate." "Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it." (Luke 6:35, 36; I Peter 3:9 NLT)

FORGIVENESS demonstrates trust in God's process of justice. "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." "Romans 12:19, 20 NIV)

FORGIVENESS makes reconciliation a possibility. "If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love." (Matthew 18:15-17 MSG)

FORGIVENESS enables those around me to benefit from my wholesome attitude. "Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” (Hebrews 12:14, 15 NLT)

FORGIVENESS leaves my mind free for productive thinking. "Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts." (Colossians 3:12-16 NLT)

The following prayer has long been attributed to the 13th century saint, Francis of Assisi, although in its present form it can be traced back only to 1912, when it appeared anonymously in a French publication.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

Marjorie

Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture marked NASB is from the New American Standard Bible, used by permission of The Lockman Foundation, www.lockman.org Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Holiday Expectations

Did Christmas meet your expectations? I'm not asking if you got the new electronic thingamajig you wanted or the book you've been eager to read. The days right after Christmas may be something of a letdown. You've had too much to eat, you're too tired to exchange the robe that doesn't fit, and the company has gone home—or maybe they haven't and that's part of the problem!

Even though we are serious about celebrating the true reason for the season, we sometimes fantasize how an anticipated occasion is going to play out. We imagine the holiday that songs and stories are made of, and reality does not always measure up—not necessarily that anything bad happened. There were no arguments among the adults, no tearful fusses by the children, no burned or underdone entrees. Instead of glorying in how well everything went, we are vaguely uncomfortable.

It's helpful if we recognize that this is pretty normal, not just in regard to holidays, but also to vacations, a change in jobs, a different car, even a new baby! Our dreams are totally controllable and we can make things happen exactly as we wish, whereas real life is tricky. Anticipation is often greater than realization.

Don't let the day-after blahs drain away the goodness of the holidays. In retrospect, probably a fine time was had by all!

Marjorie

Has God Forgotten?

In the 6th century B.C., in three different deportations, the Jewish people were taken captive and exiled in a foreign land. What about God's promise that a king from David's line would sit on the throne forever? To those people, it surely must have looked sometimes like God had gone back on His word. The dire predictions of the prophets who spoke for God during that time must have alarmed the faithful few among the many idol worshippers. "Where is God? Is His promise true or not? Has He forgotten us?"

What they could not see, nor could the prophets who spoke of redemption understand, was that the Messiah King would come, hundreds of years later. It was He Who would sit on the throne eternally. He would be the fulfillment of all the promises, He would speak to all the disappointment, He would prove that God had not forgotten.

"Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will he never again be kind to me? Is his unfailing love gone forever? Have his promises permanently failed? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he slammed the door on his compassion?" (Psalm 77:7-9) It is not unusual for even the most committed Christian to go through a dark time when, like the captive Israelites or the dispirited psalm-singer, he/she might wonder, "Has God forgotten?" The mind knows, of course, that He has not, but the heart is still anxious. Charles H. Spurgeon, the great preacher from more than a century ago, spoke at length on these questions, and I have extracted some of his statements. (The entire sermon can be found at http://www.spurgeongems.org/vols31-33/chs1843.pdf)

Has God forgotten to be gracious? Then He has forgotten an old, long, ancient,
yes—eternal habit of His heart! Have you not heard that His mercy endures forever? Since His creation has He not, in Providence, always been gracious? Is not His rule to open His hands and supply the need of every living thing? Did He not give His Son to redeem mankind? Has He not sent His Spirit to turn men from darkness to light? After having been gracious all these myriads of ages, after having manifested His love and His grace at such a costly rate, has He forgotten it?

Has God forgotten to be gracious? Why then, He must have forgotten His purpose! Have you not heard that before the earth was, He purposed to redeem unto Himself a people who should be His own chosen, His children, His peculiar treasure, a people near unto Him? Before He made the heavens and the earth, had He not planned in His own mind that He would manifest the fullness of His Grace toward His people in Christ Jesus? And do you think that He has turned from His eternal purpose, torn up His Divine decrees, burned the Book of Life and changed the whole course of His operations among the sons of men?

Has God forgotten to be gracious? Why then, He must have forgotten His own Covenant. Is it not called a Covenant of Grace? Is not grace the spirit and tenor of it? [The Lord declared, "If you can break my covenant with the day and the night so that one does not follow the other, only then will my covenant with my servant David be broken."] The Lord has not forgotten His Covenant with day and night; neither will He cast off His believing people!

More than that, when you say, "Has God forgotten to be gracious?" do you not forget that in such a case He must have forgotten His own Glory, for the main of His Glory lies in His grace. Does a man forget his honor? Does a man turn aside from his own name and fame? He may do so in a moment of madness, but the thrice holy God has not forgotten the Glory of His name, nor forgotten to be gracious!

If God has forgotten to be gracious, then He must have forgotten His own Son! He must have forgotten Calvary and the expiatory Sacrifice offered there! He must have forgotten Him that is always with Him at His right hand, making intercession for transgressors! Can you conceive of that? Yet it must be that He has forgotten His own Son if He has forgotten to be gracious!

Once more, if this were the case, the Lord must have forgotten His own Self, for Grace is of the essence of His Nature, since God is Love. We forget ourselves and disgrace ourselves, but God cannot do so. That the great Lord who has taken us to be His peculiar heritage and His jewels should cease to value us and forget to be gracious to us is impossibility!

I think I hear someone say, "I do not think that God has forgotten to be gracious except to me.” Does God make any exceptions? The Good Shepherd does not preserve some of His sheep, but all of them! And it is not concerning the strong ones of His flock that He says, "I give unto My sheep eternal life and they shall never perish"—He has said it of all the sheep, yes, and of the smallest lamb of all the flock, of the most scabbed and wounded, of all that He has purchased with His blood! The Lord has not forgotten Himself in any one instance—but He is faithful to all believers.

You may be alone or broke or broken-hearted. You may be stuck in a situation that seems hopeless or caught up in a problem that has, as far as you can tell, no solution . You may be weary or angry or afraid. You may be many things, but you are not forgotten. One day, just as He did with coming of Jesus to Israel, He will fulfill His promises, He will speak to your disappointment, He will prove that He has not forgotten.

Has God forgotten to be gracious? No.

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

No Room

Most of us are familiar with the circumstances of Jesus' birth. Mary swaddled her newborn son and laid Him in a feed trough, because there was no room for them in the inn. "No room for you." I feel sure that you or someone around you knows what it is like to hear those words or feel them in your heart.

Perhaps you were an unexpected or even unwanted baby, and you became aware, even as a tiny child, that there was "no room for me here." Or perhaps there were insufficient resources to care for the family adequately, and you felt the anxiety of your elders in the only way you could understand, that is, "There's no room for me here."

Perhaps you were not as pretty or as strong or as smart or as easy-going or whatever—as your siblings or your cousins or your classmates. You were seldom chosen first, and almost always last. You began to think, "I'm not good enough. There's no room for me here."

As a child or as an adult, you may have been abused—physically, emotionally, or sexually—by those who were supposed to care for your well-being. That was certainly enough to convince you, "There's no room for me here."

You may have had some disability that prevented you from participating in life as you would have liked—or the attitude of others kept you from overcoming those disadvantages and participating fully in spite of them. "I'm different. There's no room for me here."

Perhaps you have suffered economically for any of a number of reasons. You don't have the clothes or the car or the house or the education that others around you enjoy and you have begun to think, "I don't fit in. There's no room for me here."

Your relationships may have been difficult, resulting in rejection and brokenness and loss. "There's no room for me here. Face it, there's probably no room for me anywhere."

Let me assure you, Jesus knows about "no room." Although He could not have been aware of the over-crowded inn, throughout His lifetime there were always those who pushed Him aside. "There's no room for you here."

· He came to His own, and they did not receive Him. (see John 1:11)
· He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. (see Isaiah 53:3)
· He wept, "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks beneath her wings to protect them--but you wouldn’t let me." (see Luke 13:34)
· Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests and asked, “How much will you pay me to betray Jesus to you?” And they gave him thirty pieces of silver. From then on, Judas began looking for an opportunity to hand Jesus over to them. (see Matthew 26:14-16)
· When the rooster crowed [during Jesus' trial], Peter remembered the words Jesus had spoken to him, "Before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me." And Peter went out and wept bitterly. (see Matthew 26:75)

Jesus knows the feeling of not belonging, of being left out, of knowing that there's no room. You can entrust your heart to Him, for "whoever comes to me I will never drive away." (John 6:37 NIV) Because He came as our Savior-Mediator-Friend, there is now room.

Yes, there is room for you.

Marjorie

My Dearest Friends

"Dearest . . ."

In the middle of the night recently, I awakened to that clear word in my mind. I am not a mystic, given to dreams and visions, but it did occur to me that maybe that thought was from God. It seemed like something He would do—a whispered word to assure me of His comforting presence.

I began to think about that word, and how we use it. We evaluate persons or things and declare that this one or that is more precious than others. To us, "dearest" is all about making comparisons. But God's love is unlike ours, which can change and fail. To Him, "dearest" does not mean "I love you more than I love others" but rather, "I could not possibly love you more!" Jesus said to His followers, "People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things [daily needs], but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. (Luke 12:29)

Sometimes circumstances in our lives have a way of making us feel unlovely and unloved. Past experiences, even in childhood, may have caused these uncertainties. Relationships that meant rejection—either real or imagined—create or support the belief that we are unworthy of being "dearest" to anyone. Unfortunately, sometimes even religious instruction carries the message that we are worthless. Undeserving of grace, yes, but not worthless. Just because Job, and David too, in his extreme circumstances felt like a worm, that does not mean that I am, in fact, a worm and that God considers His human creation as such!

We are His precious possession, His dearest!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Christmas Won't Be the Same

Some of my readers will have experienced loss this past year, and they may be saying, "Christmas will not be the same this year." Among my friends and even in my own family, we know that "Christmas won't be the same." We talk about and sing about "home for Christmas," but changes can come that mean home is not what it once was. A parent is gone now, a spouse, or sibling, or child. For many people in this tough economic climate, even the home itself has been lost.

Remembering the "before" is inevitable. It may help if we recognize ahead of time that certain words or rituals will trigger old feelings—sorrow, loss, regret, bittersweet commemoration. It's possible for anger and disappointment to be there as well. Some of these are emotions are to be expected; some may sneak up on us. Tears may come. There is no need to hide them. (You have my permission to let them flow.)

Sometimes a new tradition helps us focus on what we have now instead of what is missing. Don't be afraid to make changes in "what we've always done." On the other hand, there's no need to discard all the established traditions of the Christmas past simply because some of the present circumstances are different; a lot of things are still the same.

For a few women, a look at reality can be helpful. The first Christmas of my single-momhood, I lamented silently, "Look at me! I'm all alone and life is hard. How can I have a happy Christmas?" I was pulled up short by the thought, "And just how many happy Christmases did you have before you were alone?"

In our uncertain world and our changing lives, there is one constant. "Change and decay in all around I see; O Thou who changest not, abide with me!" (Henry F. Lyte, 1847) Everything's different now—and nothing has changed.

Marjorie

Follow the Gleam

Several days ago, a few chance words brought to my mind an old song that I learned in my teen years. It has inspirational words and eminently singable harmonies. We sang it quite earnestly in a high school activity period where girls could join a Y-Teen club affiliated with the YWCA. So, as such things go, I have been humming it over and over—and over and over again!—since then.

The first verse of "Follow the Gleam" speaks of knights and visions and searching for the Holy Grail. (No vampires and paranormal romance for us!) But I especially like the second verse:

And we who would serve the King,
And loyally Him obey,
In the consecrate silence know,
That the challenge still holds today.
Follow, follow, follow the gleam,
Standards of worth, o'er all the earth,
Follow, follow, follow the gleam,
Of the light that shall bring the dawn
      ~Helen Hill Miller, 1920

Not every light that I've encountered along my life's road has been clear and unmistakable. Some lights have been dim, often barely discernible, but because their small rays were so persistent, I could not ignore them. It took me a long time to find the right, satisfying career—I had to follow a gleam. I've made some sad mistakes while searching for the meaning of real love and genuine selfhood—but I've followed the gleam. I spent many years trying to make sense of my spiritual heritage—I am still following the gleam.

Too often, we mistakenly suppose that we will at some point late in life have the answers to "life's persistent questions." Not so. Most likely, answers to the most crucial questions will come at first as a faint understanding, a glimmer of light. Don't be discouraged. Follow it. "The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day." (Proverbs 4:18)

Marjorie

Scripture quotation from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Children Seen and Not Heard

In a department store one day, I heard a man bark to the corps of small children around him, "Children—" It was said with such authority that if there had been other children within twenty feet, they would have run to him obediently too. The youngsters were without question quiet and well-behaved. Why did I feel a vague sense of discomfort? It was something in the tone of his voice, and the palpable apprehension of his children.

I felt something else too. Where had I heard that commanding tone before? Oh yes, Captain von Trapp in the "Sound of Music" who ordered his children about in military fashion with little love and no grace at all. I didn't know the man in the store—nor did I want to.

Another father—this one I knew—snapped his fingers and beckoned sternly for his children to fall in at his side. He was proud of their disciplined obedience. And I would have been too. Of my dog.

A couple of generations ago, when my parents were children, they were sort of non-persons. "Children should be seen and not heard," was the prevailing attitude, coming probably out of the fifteenth century in England and applying specifically to young women! Many children of my generation, especially in conservative communities, experienced the same restriction in our homes. I wonder why? We were loved, I am sure, but somehow positive interaction, especially in public, was not the norm. Certainly, children must learn appropriate social behavior, but that is not acquired in a vacuum; real-life practice is the better way and it needs to begin early. Just because we see some children and young people who are badly behaved, we should not expect to limit communication and deny the privilege of choice to all!

Fortunately by the time I was rearing a family, many of us had learned there are approaches other than "Children should not be heard." My very young daughter and I were eating in a restaurant once, seated where we could see another family nearby. She said to me in surprise, "Look Mama, they're not talking!" This was strange to her, because while we ate, we always chatted about the things that had happened during the day, or the plans we were making. Sometimes school lunch rooms do have an "Eat silently" rule because there are just so many children, but when a family meal includes no conversation, she thought there must be something wrong! (And indeed, there may have been.) I now see the benefit in her own children who are at ease when carrying on conversation with an adult, but without being excessively noisy and intrusive or whiny and argumentative.

Will children who are allowed to express themselves misbehave sometimes? Of course. Will they embarrass us sometimes? Oh my, yes! But consider the alternative. I have to wonder about those children who are silenced all the while they are growing up. As adults, especially young women, will they know that they have worthwhile opinions? Will they trust their own judgment? Will they be able to express themselves clearly and courteously? Will they understand that manipulating and controlling other people is unfair? Will they respect one another? After all, children learn what they live. And then, later, they live what they have learned.

Marjorie

A Helper

If it were not for the King James Bible, we probably wouldn't even have the word some people have chosen to use as the description of woman's place in the world. "And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.' " (Genesis 2:18) And I wouldn't have just read a book called "Created to Be His Help Meet." The author, Debi Pearl, and her husband have founded a ministry on their interpretation of Scriptures having to do with family and home. I read a great many different types of books: for education, enlightenment, edification, and entertainment. It necessarily follows that I'll run across those with which I cannot agree. This book is just such a book.

First of all, "help meet" is not a term God used for the woman He planned to make, and it is something of a mistake to call her that. This is more than mere semantics. "Meet," usually a verb, takes the form here of a modifier to describe the kind of help: one that was suitable for him, comparable to him, an appropriate counterpart. I am not a Hebrew scholar, but my reference books indicate that the word used implies similitude. She would be like him. Adam had just finished naming all the animals—quite a task!—and he surely must have noted that all the living creatures had company with others that were similar, if not completely alike, in nature and habits. He alone was without a companion. He apparently was ready for verbal communication, calling out the name of each kind of animal, but they did not answer. We can assume that none had the power of speech except the Satan-serpent who was superior to all the rest. Eve was made "for" Adam for the same reason Adam was formed by God for Himself—for relationship. Although made from Adam's side, she too was in God's image.

The author says women are not partners with their husbands but were created to serve and satisfy him, and "God's ultimate goal for you is to meet your man's needs." In her role as a Titus 2 woman (the older women teaching the younger to love their husbands, be keepers at home, etc.), she lays out for women everywhere her description of a help meet, accompanied by Scriptures which, if followed, will assure a "glorious marriage." Apparently, when some women read this book, a fire is lighted in their hearts and they say, "Oh yes, I see! This is my calling!" If that is how one understands Scripture and the whole of God's plan—not just Genesis—then that is what she should live out. Serving a man does perhaps suit the gifts and temperaments of some women—and the men married to them.

But I submit that when others read, a different kind of fire is lighted in them and they say, "This is not us." (Note: not just me, but us.) Both readers are right. If both follow the path God has laid out for them, they do not need to make a pronouncement that encompasses every woman everywhere in every era. As I see it, the whole submission/silence/obedience issue is laid out along a continuum. It extends all the way from the non-person who is subsumed by her husband and the woman who lets herself be abused because she has no rights in her own personhood to the couple who see themselves as equals more alike than different, as true partners and companions. It is not up to me to decide where somebody else should be on that line of many points, and certainly not to declare that The Plan of God for Marriage looks the same for everybody.

The Proverbs 31 woman, long held as the ideal, probably nowadays is not seeking wool and flax for spinning; she does not dress in fine linen and purple, nor make garments and sashes to sell. Not having any maidservants, it is not necessary for her to make provision for them. She is not likely to be into real estate, buying and selling fields and vineyards. Those who hold this Scripture up as the standard will explain that we are not to take this old description literally, but are to use the principles therein. My point exactly. The wife may be a teacher or a waitress or a bank president, with a husband who is proud of her achievements and influence. He is not necessarily active in city government either; in fact, he may be the at-home parent with a grateful, wage-earning wife. I know a number of women who have/had a ministry calling even before marriage, and the husband-to-be pledged a supporting role, financially and spiritually. This is not being weak or effeminate. He is protecting and providing for more than just the woman he is asking to marry him; he is charged with some of the responsibility for her effectiveness in ministry as well

The Apostle Paul admonished wives' obedience so that the Gospel would not be shamed, but that was then. Those who try to lay the template of masterful husband/obedient wife on today's society are more apt to bring discredit to the Gospel, I think, than the couple who genuinely care for each other's welfare and don't pay a whole lot of attention to who is being "served" at any given time. (I actually know people like that!) It is no small thing to be a help or "helper," whether it happens to be the husband or wife. The Holy Spirit is a Helper, yet nowhere is He pictured as a servant to us or beneath us in any way simply because He is our helper. It is just as mistaken to consider the helping woman an inferior being who was created solely to serve a husband—or by extension, men in general.

Marjorie

Red Flags

A few nights ago, I drove through a part of the city where street repair is underway, carefully threading my way around barriers, warning signs, and caution lights. At one particularly dark section, I saw a driver who had missed a turn; his pickup truck and large trailer were off the road, stalled in an excavated area. The driver seemed to be all right, but I imagined that some time and expense were going to be involved in getting him safely back on his way: a visit from the police, a tow truck, maybe a visit to the ER to be sure he really was okay, some vehicle repair, and perhaps a call from the construction company.

We've all done it—failed to heed some warning sign of danger ahead in our life journey. Maybe we didn't see the sign, or seeing it, we did not understand what it meant. Maybe we didn't want to understand; we didn't want to be suspicious or overly cautious. Maybe we were just naïve. Whatever the reason, failing to heed the warning sign landed us in the ditch, so to speak. And then we lament, "If I had just gone with my first impression . . . "

One of the advantages we gain as we mature is the ability to pick up on warning signs. We recognize suspicious activity. We get an idea of how to tell when someone is misrepresenting their product or themselves. We accept that "when something is too good to be true, it usually is." We learn what the warning signs look like.

Unfortunately, not all people and events come with visible or audible warning signs. We have to rely on another kind of perception. We admit, "I just have a feeling . . ." This intuitiveness is not in the province of women alone. Maybe we ordinarily pay more attention to it because we're expected to. Or maybe not. Probably everyone has it to a greater or lesser degree, unconsciously relying on patterns we have experienced or observed but which we may not be aware of having classified and stored in our brain catalog. Learn to trust this instinct. We can be mistaken, of course, but more often than not, we'll be grateful we followed it.

God is a part of this perception too. Scripture relates the experiences of people who acted contrary to a reasoned-out manner because of a God-given dream or vision (Abraham, Jesus' adoptive father Joseph, the wise men, Pilate's wife, and many others), a inner knowing (the Apostle Paul, the Philadelphian church), or a sense that not everything was as it seemed (Jesus, Paul). Learn to trust this "discernment."

Following these red flags is not fool-proof. People make mistakes, sometimes very serious ones as in racial profiling—or gender profiling, or age profiling, or religious profiling, and the like. But on the smaller scale of our own personal lives and our day-to-day encounters, we will probably do well to go with our "gut feeling." It just may be a Gott-feeling (German for God).

Marjorie

A Crying Shame

Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule.
It made the children laugh and play to see a lamb at school.

Poor Mary! Perhaps the teacher reproved her, "Mary, don't you know that you mustn't bring your pet lamb to school?"

Mary would have been respectful, not defending herself by explaining, "But I didn't bring her! She followed me."

Nevertheless, the teacher made the lamb stay outside, and throughout the day, whenever its little bleat was heard through the open windows, the children pointed at Mary and laughed. Mary sank far down into her seat, ashamed.

That's fiction, of course, but not unlike my experience as a very young student. My family was responsible for providing the milk for the school lunches prepared each day at our rural school. As we walked across the field one morning, carrying our jugs of milk, one of the barn kittens followed, intent upon having breakfast. All the way to school she pursued me, in spite of my tearful insistence that she go back home. Although I endured no scolding from the teacher, still I was thoroughly ashamed—as if there were anything I could have done differently. I remember the feeling to this day.

We can assuage guilt, the feeling we have when our actions are wrong. We make amends for these interpersonal wrongdoings by apologizing, making restitution, and changing our future interaction. But shame is not so easily handled; it strikes the very self when we are forced to think about what we see as our personal deficiencies. There are many: Our size, shape, personal attractiveness and sexuality. Our intelligence, skill, and ability to compete. Our dependence on something or someone, and our assessment of self-worth. Our fears about closeness and being seen and known, and the contrasting fears about being unlovable and alone.

There are also a number of other negative emotions that belong to the shame family. Embarrassment or even extreme self-consciousness might be our shame experience in a social setting, humiliation what we feel when we suffer a shaming attack by someone else, mortification as being "ashamed to death." These nuances of shame follow the exposure of something we wanted to keep to ourselves. And then sometimes we feel ashamed of feeling shame!

Unfortunately, we think shame is a powerful motivator toward good behavior and a detractor from bad. It sometimes begins when we are very young. "Look at this! You are a terrible dish washer." "Somebody with your brains should be making A's, not B's." (A camouflaged jab.) "If you're fat, the boys won't like you." It may continue throughout our lifetime. "Why don't you watch what you're doing?" (There is no possible answer to this question.) "You're telling me you didn't know that salesman was a crook?" "Any new hire could do this job better than you're doing it." If we are the one handing out the shame, we may assume that a healthy dose will correct the situation, and thereafter the other person will behave in a manner acceptable to us. We are mistaken.

If we are on the receiving end, we probably do realize that shame is not likely to produce positive results. Very often we are unable to handle realistically the information that has been given to us—whether true or not is beside the point—and take the steps necessary to repair our identity or reframe the image we have of ourselves. So we take the shame route.

* We may withdraw by turning away from the offending situation, hiding, acting shy, running away, or becoming silent.

* We may attack ourselves by demeaning and punishing ourselves to earn others' favor and avoid "abandonment." Sometimes it is wisdom to be deferential—"Yes, officer, I was speeding. I'll be more careful, sir"—but we need not put ourselves down as though everyone around us is much bigger and more powerful than we are.

* We may avoid the shaming, using anything we can to make the feeling go away without dealing with the causes. Shame tries to cover itself with undue pride about one's self and accomplishments; it is also soluble in alcohol and other chemicals.

* We may attack others, using anything we think will reduce their self-worth: put downs even under the guise of "joking," blame and contempt, malicious accusations whether or not they're true, physical abuse, and sexual mistreatment.

As I see it, shame is a very basic human problem. In the Garden of Eden, after having eaten of the forbidden tree, Adam and Eve had that experience. "At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” “Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:7-11)

Contrary to Freudian psychology, their shame was not the result of nakedness itself so much as the sudden (unpurposed) realization that their freedom had the potential for good or evil use. Only this knowledge, knowledge that God had not intended for them to have, made them feel ashamed and afraid. The descendants of these first parents, in all the centuries since then, have suffered the pain of shame and fear. It is part of the human condition, not easily escaped.

We feel safer when our "deficiencies" are exposed if we are protected by love and/or acceptance. On a purely human level, this is a great gift we can give each another. But the ultimate love and acceptance and the ultimate release from shame is part of God's redemptive plan. The shame that cannot be ignored or relieved by self-denigration, that cannot be bluffed away or compensated for, can be healed by pursuing the pathway of God's love. "Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame." (Isaiah 50:7) "Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth [your early history] and the sorrows of widowhood [inferring losses, unproductiveness, and reproach]." (Isaiah 54:4) We cannot escape being human, so we may not find a way around every shame-producing circumstance. Christ, however, exposed Himself to every form of human shame and is ready to show us the way through.

Marjorie

On my Finding the Faith Way blog, read some additional thoughts about Adam [here].
and "Things Mama Taught Me: Shame on You" [here].

An interesting discussion on shame is located at http://www.christiantherapist.com/online/news/ShameAndAffect.htm

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

After You Say "I Can't"

Every once in awhile, I remind the class of adults that I teach on Sunday morning, that our time together is like a cafeteria. They can help themselves to whatever is good for them and leave the rest, but not to spit on something they don't like, because someone else will want it! I feel that way today as I write this post. Some readers will find it not applicable or perhaps even objectionable, but it is part of my job to "serve" it!

There are plenty of books, videos, and studies on after you say "I do," that is, take marriage vows. Some of these are from a specifically Christian viewpoint; others are written by secular counselors and others who just want to see marriages work.

What to Do After You Say I Do by Yvette Gavin
What to Do After You Say "I Do" by Marcus and Lori Goldman
Before and After You Say "I Do" by Perimeter Church and Randy Pope
After You Say I Do by Wes Roberts
Before (and After) We Say "I Do" by Nomi Whalen
After You Say "I Do" by H. Norman Wright

No one, as far as I can tell, has written a book on "After You Say I Can't." Yet there are many women—committed Christian women too—who are caught in situations that are not merely unhappy but also jeopardous to their wellbeing. They may have to say "I can't"—not because they are tired or disappointed or angry but because they should not continue as they are. Last winter, our church had several weeks of special concentration on prayer for congregational needs. Well over two hundred specific but anonymous requests were "nailed" to a huge wooden cross in front of the altar. Just short of ten percent of these were for troubled or broken marriages or for someone in or recovering from an abusive relationship.

I am not sure this is only a recent phenomenon. All through the years of my early Christian formation, I attended prayer meetings where people gave "unspoken requests." I thought at the time that a woman just didn't want to let everyone know that she had a painful ovarian cyst or that her hair was falling out. Now I understand that she may have been saying, "My husband is drinking too much" or "He slaps me sometimes."

I cannot agree with the idea of a covenant (a marriage) that must be kept regardless of what the other party does. Even God made conditions when He established a covenant relationship with His ancient followers. "If you listen to these regulations [the law given through Moses] and faithfully obey them, the Lord your God will keep his covenant of unfailing love with you, as he promised with an oath to your ancestors." (Deuteronomy 7:12 NLT) God said "If . . ." and some of the people eliminated themselves from the covenant. God does not look lightly on those who bash His plans. "And if I announce that I will plant and build up a certain nation or kingdom, but then that nation turns to evil and refuses to obey me, I will not bless it as I said I would." (Jeremiah 18:10, 11 NLT)

The new covenant in Christ has the same implications of faithful commitment. "But Jesus' priestly work far surpasses what these other priests do, since he's working from a far better plan. If the first plan—the old covenant—had worked out, a second wouldn't have been needed. But we know the first was found wanting, because God said, Heads up! The days are coming when I'll set up a new plan for dealing with Israel and Judah. I'll throw out the old plan I set up with their ancestors when I led them by the hand out of Egypt. They didn't keep their part of the bargain, so I looked away and let it go. This new plan I'm making with Israel isn't going to be written on paper, isn't going to be chiseled in stone; this time I'm writing out the plan in them, carving it on the lining of their hearts. I'll be their God, they'll be my people . . . They'll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean. By coming up with a new plan, a new covenant between God and his people, God put the old plan on the shelf. And there it stays, gathering dust." (Hebrews 8:6-13 MSG) And still, people every day are eliminating themselves from New Covenant blessings by simply choosing not to participate in it. Covenants have conditions.

What about the "sacred vows" we make? When weddings began, back in early Jewish history, they did not contain vows as we think of them today. The wedding contract was read or recited and that constituted the couple's promises to one another. Even before that, men just "took" wives; when they claimed young virgins, the fact was established. The vows with "love, cherish, and obey" (for the bride only!) date back to the 1500s, beginning with the Book of Common Prayer used by the Anglican Church. After nearly four hundred years, the Episcopal Church removed the word "obey" from the bride's part of the vows. "Obey" was often misunderstood anyway; it has no connection with one partner being subservient to the other. Coming from the Latin root word "audire," it means to listen and hear, and is related to our word "audience." The vows as we know them are simply tradition; there is no legal or Biblical requirement that they actually be exchanged in a wedding ceremony. We imply a mutual bond of trust—and wouldn't that include listening deeply?

So let's consider the ideal that many people hold: marriage is a covenant that cannot be broken. Certainly that is the ideal, but realistically we recognize that not everyone attains it. The divorce rate in the general population continues to hover around fifty percent; the rate in the Church is about the same. Many churches define narrowly the acceptable (and Scriptural, they say) reasons for divorce: sexual sin outside the marriage, and the desertion of a believing spouse by an unbelieving partner. Some would also include abandonment (literal or in spirit) by a partner living in such a state of unrepentant sin as cause him/her to be viewed as an unbeliever in the eyes of the Lord and the Church.

But "God hates divorce!" is the argument from the Scripture itself. Indeed He does, but we have usually failed to read the rest of the passage. "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel, 'and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,' says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith." (Malachi 2:15, 16 NIV)

Divorce is, of course, not the only option. "Genny's Story," which I shared earlier, addresses the issue. You can read that [here]. Don't say "I can't" too soon if your partner has indeed broken faith. You may very well want to know at some later point, if/when self-doubt arises, that you did everything you could. Feelings change, but what you have done does not. You'll be able to assure yourself, regardless of how you feel at that later time, that you did the best you could in this crisis of decision. Don't say "I can't" too soon, but when it must be said, say it.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotation marked NIV is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

I Was What I Was

Memory is a powerful thing, greatly enhancing our present life by the rich experiences of our past, or complicating it by the difficulties that were part of our personal history. The trouble is, we tend to remember the wrong things. Studies show that the strong negative emotions surrounding an event are often clearer when recalled than the positive or neutral feelings that were part of the same event. This means that sometimes we must make a conscious effort to think on the things that are "true, honorable, right, and admirable." (Philippians 4:8)

Nearly everyone has things that bring some discomfort when we bring them to mind. The Apostle Paul asks the Roman church what they got out of the things of which they are now ashamed. The answer? Nothing. A dead end. (Romans 6:21) While I didn't have a particularly wild, sinful past that shames me, I certainly do have some things that are embarrassing to remember: a grave financial mistake, an unfortunate career decision, some entangling friendships. I feel humiliated if I begin to dwell on those blunders.

One of the problems facing the children of Israel as their story is related in the Old Testament was their inability or unwillingness to remember what God had done throughout their early history. "How quickly they forgot what he had done! They wouldn’t wait for his counsel! They forgot God, their savior, who had done such great things in Egypt—such wonderful things in the land of Ham, such awesome deeds at the Red Sea. The people refused to enter the pleasant land, for they wouldn’t believe his promise to care for them. Instead, they grumbled in their tents and refused to obey the Lord. (Psalm 106:13, 22-25 NLT)

We are not much different. We often self-centeredly focus on what we did and fail to remember God's great and wonderful things and awesome deeds. I am learning to look at my past with more grace for myself (as God in fact does!) Instead of lamenting the detours and long-way-around-mistakes I made, I am grateful for where He has brought me now. Of the past, I have to say, "I was what I was." This may sound lame; after all, it's pretty close to "It is what it is," which a recent poll shows as third place in the list of most annoying phrases. But it's true! I was who I was at that time with the understanding that I had then. Now I am becoming someone different. Life doesn't provide automatic "do-overs," but God will enable us to put aside the troubling past. We face it and deal with it, or we replace the unhappy memories with positive ones, or we choose to forget the things that no longer have real significance.

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Philippines 3:12-16 MSG)

Marjorie

Along this same line, read "I Didn't Know" and "What If I Make a Mistake?" on my Finding the Faith Way blog.

About the poll: It was conducted this month by the Marist Institute for Public Opinion, a highly-respected survey research center at Marist College in New York. Over the past thirty years, it has regularly measured public opinion at the local, state, and national level on politics, money, family, spirituality, mind and body, sports, entertainment, and much more. It is often cited by journalists and analysts around the globe.

Scripture quotation marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Making People Happy

For a lot of years, I assumed I had the responsibility for making the people around me happy. Now I still think I'm obliged to seek their good, but I no longer believe that other folks' happiness rests on my shoulders.

Happiness is a very personal thing, and it comes from within more than from the outside. Some people are just always going to be unhappy, and nothing that you or I do is going to change that. They are expecting their circumstances and the people around them to furnish them with the good feelings they like to have. There are, of course, many external things that are pleasant and enjoyable, but those who are truly happy have discovered a better and more lasting source. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," and long before Lincoln's time, Aristotle (384-322 BC) declared "Happiness depends upon ourselves."

It is easy for women, especially those who are naturally inclined toward compassion and nurturing, to fall into a "care-taking" role for everybody. There will always be needy people around them who seem to have a special instinct for homing in on someone who will think for them, decide for them, and fill their emotional needs. The line of action for these dependent friends is making us feel that no one else can do for them what we can, that we are their greatest source of kindness, that we are the only person they know who's acting like a Christian, that they have no one else on whom they can count.

We may respond easily to this approach, because we do want to be kind, loving, and generous. We do want to be thoroughly Christian in our attitudes and actions. It makes us feel good if this needy one singles us out as this kind of champion. However, our motives have then become clouded with self-interest, and we cannot see as clearly as we might. Do you suppose there is some reason they have no other friends? In all likelihood, they have worn them out. If we allow it and unknowingly encourage it, they will do the very same to us.

How can we refuse when a friend, relative or even our own adult child asks pathetically, "But why won't you do this for me? . . . stay here with me? . . . drive me there? . . . let me borrow? . . . "We can say "You know, I just can't give you any more help with that than I have already given you. Why don't you call a . . . lawyer, counselor, banker, service-provider?" Even with youngsters who whine, "But why not?" we are not accountable for providing endless entertainment, infinite amounts of money, and privileges that are continually unaccompanied by any personal responsibility on their part. We may say, "I believe it wouldn't be good for you if I did that for you. Maybe you can try . . . "

Although we may think we will just go ahead and make the personal sacrifices regardless, what is likely to happen is that we will become weary of being used. We will begin to resent the demands and then feeling guilty about that, we mercilessly punish ourselves for our lack of charity. We may be angry at the person for the problem they have become to us, or we may be angry at ourselves for allowing them to continue. What we should have handled in firm but loving action has been turned in on ourselves. Read "Acting In" (here)

Re-think your relationships if everyone has chosen you, and your friends are not ones you have chosen—or would choose, if you had it to do over. Although we want to encourage rich and rewarding relationships, no one's happiness depends on you.

Marjorie

Acting In

Distressed individuals—adults as well as children—are sometimes said to be "acting out" when their internal conflict or painful emotions are expressed in outward behavior that is unhealthy and defensive. Their actions may even be destructive or dangerous to themselves and others. At the very least, they are irritating, but correcting the situation is not always as simple as just suggesting or demanding that the behavior stop. Most often, the impulses are not conscious

Acting out may be expressed as anger: hurting someone (or an animal), breaking things, creating a scene, taking aggressive actions like road-rage incidents, using abusive language, blaming, and seeking a way to "get even." It may also take the form of fear: helplessness, over-dependence, anxiety.

"Acting in" has the same basis. It is hard for many women to acknowledge anger and deal with it. For those of us brought up more than a generation ago, it was verboten (forbidden) just because it was unsuitable for women—especially Christian women—to "get mad." Fear was not acceptable either and "nervous" women were scorned.

But these emotions have to go somewhere. If release is not permitted in healthy outward ways—more about that later—they will get stored internally. Anger or fear turned inward on oneself can do all kinds of damage including:

- Obsessive thinking about the painful situation
- Trouble eating or sleeping
- Overeating or sleeping too much
- Depression
- Irritability, crying
- Physical illness
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering
- Inability to function

There is no one sure-fire way of dealing with the strong feelings of rage or anxiety that accompany deep conflict, but many people find that it is helpful to let the body express that emotion. One may write a letter—to be mailed or not—to the person responsible for her hurt. Or she can personalize her emotion and write a letter or speak to an empty chair what she is feeling. ("Well, Betrayal or Grief or Disaster, you found me didn't you?") You can hit a tennis ball or pound a pillow. You can express yourself in music or art. We have to find some way to calm the impulse we have to lash out at anyone or anything, or to create as much havoc as possible, or to beat up on ourselves. And don't forget, you can without embarrassment seek the help of a mental-health professional, and your medical doctor as well if things are completely out of balance.

Make a conscious effort to bring your thoughts to the positive present: "I can manage, and I will." The more that anger and fear can be expressed in structured ways, the less there will be left for acting out. Or acting in.

Marjorie

"To Thine Own Self Be True"

This entry was first published on my Finding the Faith Way site under the same title. Because it deals mostly with the concerns of women rather than those of a general reading audience, it is perhaps more suitably placed here. You will perhaps recognize the Shakespeare quote which I used recently, with a somewhat different emphasis given here.

“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Although Jesus Himself did not say this—it was one of Shakespeare’s characters in Hamlet—it lines up with the way Jesus lived. He knew who He was and why He was here. Again and again, the Gospel accounts tell us, Jesus said or did things in order that the prophecies concerning Him would be fulfilled. He was true to Himself and to His calling. He desires the same for us. The Apostle Paul wrote, “I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.” (Ephesians 1:16b-18)

I often see people who are not true to themselves. They are only a copy of someone else, or they are the person they think others want them to be. We might expect this in children who are only now forming who they are, but mature men and women need to have a developed sense of who they are, especially who they are in Christ. Because of the foolishness of a few, we have made a joke of people trying to “find themselves,” and thus have caused others to avoid forming their own goals and opinions and discovering their personal strengths and weaknesses. We have not given them the freedom to be authentic persons.

There is no place I see this more clearly than in the lives of a few married women I know. A recently-wed young woman told me not long ago, “Being married is not what makes us whole, but it does help us become more.” I agree; that is what most women would want and expect, but instead of being enhanced by their relationship, too many find themselves diminished, made less by the man who has gained them as a personal acquisition. We most often use the term “trophy wife” to describe the younger, probably beautiful woman who is the second or even third wife of a wealthy and probably powerful middle-aged man. She is something of a “reward” for his business savvy or whatever else has brought him to the self-assured position of “deserving the finest” of everything.

To my consternation, I have seen and heard of a few Christian trophy wives too, even though they may be the first and only spouse. The men who married them did not do so for the purpose of making both their lives richer and enabling them to better serve the Kingdom. They married because it was to their personal advantage: “This woman will serve my needs; she loves me and will make my life happier.” “This woman makes me feel important; she will enhance my position or better my image as a Christian man.” (Somewhat like the marketing “halo effect” where the excellence of one product increases positive response to another in the same line. He withdraws his support of her personal endeavors if she gets too far ahead of him.) Is this a conscious ploy? I wish I knew. I only know that sometimes I see it in operation.

Sometimes this robbery of a woman’s personhood is given a cloak of righteousness with Scriptures that speak of women being under male authority—fathers, husbands, brothers, spiritual leaders. That is clearly a travesty of the Biblical intent that we all live with love and respect toward each other. I know a woman who years ago removed herself from an abusive situation at enormous emotional cost personally. In spite of great, skillfully applied pressure to be “submissive” to what was dictated, she knew positively within herself, “This is not right. God doesn’t want me to live this way.” She didn’t know but that she might be risking the wrath of God and gambling on heaven; certainly she was risking the wrath of man. But God honored her search for what was true. Because she dared to find that for herself, He has since used her to bring help and hope to many other women who are trying to reclaim their own selves.

“To thine own self be true.” If not true to yourself, to the person God intends you to be, how can you help but be false to every other person?

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Vigilance

"Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." This is one of those quotes that "everybody" knows was said by . . . whomever. It has been attributed to Thomas Jefferson, abolitionist Wendell Phillips, Thomas Paine, Abraham Lincoln, and General of the Army George Marshall. And it could well be that each of these great men publicly declared the same truth: freedom can be damaged or even lost by ignoring it.

Everyday life around us illustrates this. You know the scene: A young woman enthusiastically embarks upon a regimen of workouts at the gym, perhaps even with a personal trainer. She looks good, and she feels better than she has in years. She tells her friends, maybe somewhat smugly, what a great thing this has been—her life is changed. But her allergies start bothering her, or her hours change at work, or the high school football season starts or whatever, and before you know it, she is missing a few days, and then longer periods at a time, and after awhile she drops her gym membership. She quit paying attention to her goals. There may be very good reasons, but the fact remains that she was not vigilant about her gains.

Or a woman decides to lose weight—maybe quite a lot of it. She may sign up for a program or undertake one of her own. She sticks to the plan faithfully for months, and eventually she is rewarded with a trim body, the new clothes she had to buy, the admiration of her acquaintances, and renewed health and vigor. But after she is through "dieting," and it is okay to eat what she wants again (she supposes), the pounds begin to creep back on. Having reached an important goal, she failed to pay the price of maintaining it.

Many alcoholics continue to attend AA meetings long after they have sobered up—years and years, sometimes, because those men and women know that "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." Some people question that position, thinking that one should not continue to believe that he/she is still an alcoholic—especially if a genuine relationship with God has been established. That may be true for some, but others find there is still an inner proclivity toward their "drug of choice." (I use that term because alcohol is just one among a number of addictions.)

We must not fail to recognize that the connection between vigilance and liberty is true in more than the physical part of our lives. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Galatia, "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." (Galatians 5:1) Spiritual gains have to be guarded and maintained too. Times of inspiration and challenge make us feel confident and energized. It comes as a surprise to us, sometimes, when we find that only conscious attention and effort enable us to keep the new freedom.

Some of us have had self-defeating emotional habits to overcome: a sense of unworthiness, unwarranted introspection, lack of assertion, overprotection, denial, or misplaced trust. Or on the other hand: pride, anger, deceit, control, blame, self-indulgence, or self-pity. Either thinking too little or too much of ourselves was destructive in the past. Having made progress, by the grace of God, in one of these dysfunctional areas, it is so easy to say, "Whew! I'm glad that battle is over." We are right to be encouraged and grateful for the healthy changes we can see, but no, it is not over. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty."

Stand fast!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Honest Relationships

Along the line of the previous entry, "Boundaries," I am sharing today some of the thoughts first posted on October 6, 2008, on my Finding the Faith Way site with the title, "Things Mama Taught Me: Tell the Truth."

I grew up valuing honesty, telling the truth, because that was the example lived before me in my home and in the community where we lived. There is one person, however, with whom I have found it especially difficult to face the truth.

Me.

Sometimes I haven’t recognized the truth, even though it was right there. Through many years of my adult life, and without realizing it, I surrounded myself with people who used me. Organizations that deceived and cheated, that took serious advantage of me financially (in the name of God). Strong leaders who used the subtle power of approval to build a personal following, who controlled my time and my job and my money and my friendships, who ordered my life with should’s and must’s while they covered their own private wrongdoing (in the name of God). “Friends,” a lot of them, who were only takers because I was so ready to give, who laid unfair claims on me by their unending neediness (in the name of God). Because I was absolutely sincere in my intentions, no one shook me and said “Wake up, girl!” But the time came when the pressure became too great and could no longer be contained neatly. A family member intervened. “This is abuse,” she said, and my façade began to crack.

Over a number of months after that, I began to realize that not only was the present situation abusive, but also that I had permitted, again and again, unreasonable and unhealthy demands to be made on my life. I discovered that Christian women—mothers, wives, friends, employees, members of a faith community—can and must establish boundaries to protect themselves from destructive relationships.

It may be hard for some people to reconcile the teachings of Jesus about love and forgiveness and self-sacrifice with the necessity to preserve one’s health and sanity. I know how difficult that can be; I found it so difficult that I missed making the connection for most of my adult life. Our Lord never intended for loving God and loving others to exclude self-care. He told His followers that the two greatest commandments were to love God with all one’s heart and mind and strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself. It is very hard, maybe impossible, to love and care for others appropriately unless we have a proper respect for ourselves.

Jesus Himself did not minister non-stop to needy people. One time He told all His disciples to come with Him to a quiet place to take a break; they hadn’t even had time for lunch. People were constantly coming and going—people with genuine needs, people who apparently thought Jesus and the disciples should be meeting those needs. (Seeing Jesus’ crew leaving in a boat, the people hurried on foot from the surrounding villages, and beat them to their remote resting spot—but that’s another story.) And once, the Scripture tells us, Jesus was tired from a long walk and sat wearily by a well while His disciples went to a nearby city to buy groceries. So Jesus was not at all insensitive to His own needs or those of His followers. May I put it bluntly? Jesus did not teach His followers to be stupid.

The Apostle Paul echoes Jesus’ teaching. He says, “Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.” (Ephesians 5:28, 29) Here Paul makes the simple assumption that people (women as well as men) need to care for themselves in even the most intimate and impelling of human relationships. It is just expected. Permitting ourselves to be manipulated by others into caring for them, not along with but instead of caring for ourselves, is not Jesus’ way.

So I am learning to tell myself the truth—the hardest person with whom I must face the truth—and it is a journey not yet complete. Although the quote is from Shakespeare rather than Scripture, it is nonetheless accurate: “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
The quote is by one of Shakespeare's characters in Hamlet.

Boundaries

Something I wish I had known 50 years ago:

· That relationships need boundaries.
· That boundaries are necessary for good relationships.
· That unless there are boundaries, relationships will suffer.
· That for relationships to be happy, there must be clear boundaries.
· etc. etc. etc!

Is it clear yet, that I favor relationship boundaries?

Although there is a proliferation of books, videos, and TV programs that might have offered guidance for my messiest relationships, some of those really can't be taken seriously, and so I tended to discount them all. What I really needed was someone to give me Scriptural principles for establishing boundaries in my relationships.

I needed to know that I was genuinely loved. God's purpose in human relationships was to provide for some of our core needs such as security, acceptance and significance. He formed a beautiful creation which included one human, but "then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.' " (Genesis 2:18) If a friendship is deep and intimate, both persons should share in that. If it is only casual, both should honor the limits. Sometimes our ideas clash about what love would look like in a particular situation; a disconnect can easily lead to doing or saying the wrong thing. "Spell it out" as necessary.

I needed to know that I could insist on honesty. "So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. " (Ephesians 4:25) "Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous? Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies!" (Psalm 34:12, 13) Many relationships are based on pretense—face it, most romantic friendships start out like that! However, a deep and long-lasting comradeship must be an honest one. Hidden agendas do not make for a healthy relationship.

I needed to know that threats to my physical safety or sense of security were unacceptable. "Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city." (Proverbs 16:32) "I didn't mean what I said," cannot completely remove the sting of those words. The angry person is the only one who thinks he/she didn't mean what they said. "You'll just have to accept me as I am," is not good enough for me (or God).

I needed to know, Can I count on you? "A friend is always loyal, and a brother [sister, too!] is born to help in time of need." (Proverbs 17:17) "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (I Corinthians 13:7) Does this mean I expect my friends to agree with me, right or wrong? Certainly not—as Senator Carl Schurz said in the Senate on February 29, 1872, "My country, right or wrong; if right, to be kept right; and if wrong, to be set right." A loyal friend will stick with me until we arrive at what is good and right.

God uses human relationships to teach us about our relationship with Him. We are part of the family of God; He is our Father, Jesus our Elder Brother, and there are many other brothers and sisters in Christian fellowship. Christ and His Church are portrayed as a marriage relationship. We are servants of Christ, but also His friends. In all of these, we can know with certainty that we are unfailingly loved; that we can depend on knowing how we stand with God; that He seeks our good and not some manipulative, hidden plan; and that we can, without fear, count on Him.

The "boundaries" in our relationship with God are very simple. "The Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8) Boundaries in human relationships are not all that different.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Source of the Schurz quote: http://www.bartleby.com/73/1641.html

Are Women People?

A hundred years ago a woman's suffrage advocate authored a column in the New York Tribune, entitled "Are Women People?" In 1915, some of the writings of Alice Duer Miller were published in a book by that title. The following is from her introduction:
FATHER, what is a Legislature?A representative body elected by the people of the state.
Are women people?No, my son, criminals, lunatics and women are not people.
Do legislators legislate for nothing?Oh, no; they are paid a salary.
By whom?By the people.
Are women people?Of course, my son, just as much as men are.

We would find that dichotomy humorous, except it is too true. Women were excluded from the electoral process, but conveniently included when it came to paying lawmaking and lawkeeping costs. Subtle reverberations of this attitude remain into the present.

It's been several decades ago, but when I applied for my first teaching position, the three board members who interviewed me asked, "Are you married? Are you planning to get married? We don't want a teacher getting pregnant." And it hasn't been all that long ago that car salesmen said to female prospective buyers, "When will you husband be able to come in with you?" Just recently, I overhead a delivery man make a disparaging remark about no women being present (or so he thought) to give the guys a hard time. Sometimes this slighting attitude is present even in the Church. One fellow made it clear that the men were meeting to pray about important issues like war and politics. The women, he scornfully assumed, met in "tea party" style to pray about the Sunday School and Aunt Susie's rheumatism.

So, it has ever been that men take care of serious business, while women are supposed to be less interested and certainly less capable. I grew up thinking that the only meaningful life for a grown woman was one of service (read: mother, teacher, nurse). Never mind that my real passion was ideas and words: reading them, and writing them. Society as a whole, and the Church in particular, believed that men and women were quite different inherently—God having made it so—and therefore must confine themselves to their prescribed roles. Those who study human behavior have changed many of their earlier-held views, but sadly, much of the Church has lagged behind.

Inequality, even arrogant domineering, shows up in many homes of the faithful. One writer, a man, says that ever since Eve, women have wanted to control their husbands. Is he implying that this would be wrong, but that it is okay for men to control their wives? Maybe so. With all due respect for his education and experience, I think that ever since that incident in the Garden, people have wanted to control other people. Unfortunately, some Christian men feel that the Scripture gives them license to do so.

Women, along with everyone else and perhaps not in any greater degree than others, want safety and security. I have to admit that not all women need or choose the same means of being secure. Some women want someone telling them exactly what to do. I think about one of the sweet songs from the movie, "The Sound of Music." Liesl sings to her admirer, the telegram-delivery fellow, "I am sixteen, going on seventeen . . . I need someone older and wiser, telling me what to do. You are seventeen, going on eighteen. I'll depend on you." Women of sixteen, twenty-six, even forty-six or ninety-six may feel that way, and that is their choice. But for someone to tell all women they must feel that way is ridiculous! Some women may prefer the security they find in knowing that that they cannot fully depend on anyone or anything but themselves and their relationship with God. They feel safe in their knowledge that there is no real security outside God Himself.

Of course women are people! In spite of traditional difficulties and prejudices, more and more women are recognizing that we matter to God and that we matter in His plan for life in this world.

Including election of the legislature or to the legislature, and paying taxes.

Marjorie

Source of Miller's piece: http://womenshistory.about.com/library/etext/bl_awp000_introduction.htm
(is a part of The New York Times Company)

Harder Than It Looks

Recovery after loss is harder than it looks.

It doesn't matter too much what the loss is:

The death of a spouse or a child.
The loss of a house—destruction or foreclosure.
Or the loss of Home—you can't go back to that place of security again.
Layoff from a long-term job.
Health and strength and freedom from pain.
A broken relationship.
Betrayal by someone you trusted.
A missed opportunity that cannot be recovered.
Failure to accomplish what you were sure you could.
Faith and self-confidence.
A dream that has died.

Treat the one who has suffered loss with great compassion. Recovery is harder than it looks.

People may say, "You're a strong woman—so brave." And she thinks, I don't want to be strong or brave. I just want to stop hurting.

They say, "You are doing so well." Thank you, I'm recovering from what amounts to a 'surgery' that almost killed me.

"You're looking good." Nice of you to say that, but this is just the face I put on when I'm going out.

Treat the one who has suffered loss with much kindness; it is doing a kindness to Christ.
Without implying unreserved acceptance of Jungian psychology, here is something he wrote:

What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I
should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all the beggars
. . . that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of
my own kindness—that I myself am the enemy who must be loved—what
then?

Treat the one who has suffered loss with great compassion—especially if it is you.

I recommend reading or re-reading these posts on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog:
The Courage to Grieve and Where Everybody Knows Your Name.

Marjorie

The Path of Forgiveness

The following poem was first published on July 31, 2008, on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a path--
Not summit to be claimed--
That all the way is stained
With secret tears
And blood-red mercy-drops,
The Lord's and mine.

Forgiveness is a path.
The Betrayed One's nail-marked hand
Will safely guide
My Cross-ward steps
Through valley hemmed with pain
And dark as death.

Forgiveness is a path
I do not walk alone.
Before, beside, within,
The One-Who-Sees
Is present to beseech
When I cannot,
"Father, forgive."

Marjorie

Growing Forgiveness

Considering the difficult subjects I've considered the last few times I've written, perhaps it is time to share again a post first published on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog on August 11, 2008. This is how I see forgiveness growing—slowly sometimes, not all at once.

The Tiny Flower of Forgiveness

A friend betrayed me.

I confessed to a confidante, ”Something deep inside me is broken, and I don't even know what it is.” And I questioned myself, “Am I resentful? Have I let my hurt become anger, and my disappointment turn into bitterness? Am I unforgiving? How can I deal with the unknown?"

The Psalmist had the answer. He prayed, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23, 24 NKJV)

The Lord was very gentle with me. He knows how very deep the wounds of the heart can be. He too was betrayed. He told me, "That little movement of compassion in your heart? That is the tiny flower of forgiveness. It is very tender now, but if you protect and nurture it, it will grow."

So I watered it with tears; I fertilized it with the compost of dead hopes; I turned under, again and again, the stubborn earth of unhappy memories. And the tiny flower of forgiveness grew and bloomed.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Restorative Justice

Here is what churches may do for those who have suffered childhood sexual abuse.

* Acknowledge that child abuse is an issue.
If the Church is doing its job, there are going to be sinners in the crowd, some openly acknowledging their condition, others wearing a cloak of respectable church-ianity. The community of God's people is not exempt from sexual misconduct. If it were, we would not have many verses of Biblical injunction recorded in Leviticus and Deuteronomy and in Paul's epistles.

I have been attending church all my life, quite a long while now, and I cannot remember ever having heard a caution mentioned regarding child abuse in the home.. Of course, for half of my lifetime, sexual matters were hardly discussed anywhere—not even between husband and wife, not even in the doctor's office, and just barely with your children. But with the "sexual revolution" of the 60's, that changed. So let's say, it's been forty years of church-going for me. I estimate I've attended six thousand regular church services and countless other church-related activities. I've heard, "Protect our children from an evil-intentioned stranger"—yes, but never, "Mothers, teach your children respect for their bodies. Be alert. Listen to your kids. Believe them." I've never heard, "Dads, you have a holy responsibility to live a love that reflects that of the Heavenly Father. Teach your kids what is right to expect from the men in their lives."

* Provide protection.
Churches have a double responsibility to protect children in the faith community: a legal liability, depending on the state law, and a spiritual accountability to the Master who said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them!" (Luke 18:16) It is not enough to warn children—and their parents and caregivers—about "stranger danger." Some churches have elaborate systems to prevent children being taken away from nurseries, classrooms, or day-care centers by unauthorized persons. Many churches have taken steps to see that the children's workers are carefully screened, and they use every precaution to avoid even an appearance of impropriety. Yet in these same churches, it is often true that no one would dare question the parents of children who manifest definite signs of abuse.

Laws vary from state to state about reporting child abuse, but most say something like this: "Any medical practitioner; school or day-care professional; law enforcement officer; registered or licensed nurse, social worker, psychologist or employee of social services who has reasonable cause to believe that a child (or developmentally disabled person) has suffered abuse or neglect, must report such incident or cause a report to be made to the appropriate public protection agency"—this within a certain time frame, such as forty-eight hours. While some states' laws may exempt the clergy, or be unclear about required reporting, it is in the best interest of children for the Church to take some responsibility for their welfare and to report abuse appropriately. Churches often require their staff, paid and volunteer, to report suspected abuse first to a designated pastor or church officer, and strict confidentiality measures are in place.

I understand the Church's desire to protect parents as much as is legally possible from undue interference by outside authority. So some churches take steps to interview the parents, with or without the person who has concluded there is "reasonable cause" to suspect abuse. Others are not in the investigative business at all and will leave the matter entirely up to the public system. Either way, there is a price to pay: the suspected or guilty offender is likely just to withdraw from that faith community or, if he decides to stay, there will be time and effort involved in keeping a supportive relationship with him and the family (This does not exclude the need for professional counseling for any or all of the family members; indeed, it is probably essential.) Being "under Church discipline" is difficult for everyone involved.

If you are in a place of church leadership, although this may not be a personal issue for you, become informed and be alert. The Church has been asleep on this issue. It is time to take a stand, and that must be before it happens. "This is not right. This is a crime. This will not be tolerated."

* Seek to restore the wounded.
It is an injustice to both victim and offender for us to agree tacitly, "Well, probably nothing happened. Or if it did, it's over now." It's not over now. Neither of the individuals will be healed without restorative justice done—some recompense to the victim and some cost to the perpetrator. Even if the legal system has exacted a penalty from the offender, it is the work of the Church to offer healing and redemption.

One woman who had been wronged said, "I don't want him to go to hell. I just want him to be sorry. Is it wrong for me to want him to be sorry?" Of course, it is not wrong. The God who made us in His image is a just God. We want justice. We do not have to wish evil on an offender (although it is really difficult not to); the very least we can ask is for him to be sorry. I don't wish for the Church to become cruel or harsh, but perhaps confession needs to be made to responsible church personnel who can outline a program of restoration somewhat similar to that for clergy who fail morally. It's not likely that anyone who submits to this discipline of repentance, professional intervention, and accountability will repeat the behavior that brought them down. Nevertheless, strong safeguards must be put in place to protect him and his victim(s), so that it cannot be repeated.

* And if the offender does not accept blame, what then?
This is the "Nothing Happened" scenario I discussed in my previous entry. In addition to outright denial, there are the situations where the offender is long gone to parts unknown or even has died before the victim can bring herself to speak of her experience. And I know of some instances where the girl/young woman, now fully mature, has decided not to confront her abuser. Then what?

Not every church has a well-trained counseling staff. Those who do should periodically make known their ability to deal with the issues faced by adult women who endured childhood sexual abuse. Those who do not have such counselors must let women know that church personnel are ready to refer them to qualified counselors whom they themselves would trust. A woman with deep, unresolved issues needs someone to understand her pain—even if the offender will not/cannot admit to causing it. I'm not sure how God deals with such, but I do know what Jesus said. “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble [speaking specifically of a child that was present], it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." (Mark 9:42) If there is no legal or ecclesiastical recourse, then it's completely up to God. The ultimate judgment of the offender's guilt and repentance can be safely left in God's hands.

If anger and bitterness, fear and shame are allowed to grow in a woman's heart, they will destroy her. Forgiveness of others and acceptance of herself, however long it takes for that to grow, is her hope for health and emotional well-being. To illustrate this: When a person has been stung by a honeybee, the stinger remains embedded in the skin, pulsing its venom. The longer the stinger is allowed to remain, the greater the amount of poison is pumped in. In childhood sexual abuse, a life has had poison inflicted upon it, and the stinger may still be there, forcing in a stream of venom. The message of Christ and His Church can offer the hope of restoration. "O death [and death-making experiences of life], where is your sting?" Death, where is your stinger? Shame, where is your stinger? Anger, where is your stinger? "Thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:55, 57)

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

"Nothing Happened"

Many months ago I made a promise to myself that when I began writing specifically for women readers that I would not back away from the tough issues. Some of the traumatic things that girls and women suffer are outside my personal experience; nevertheless, I feel very strongly about such issues. I have talked with women many times whose lives have been altered permanently by what they have had to experience. The subject of this post is childhood sexual abuse, and may be distressing to some readers. However, this is such a serious and prevalent issue that I must address it here.

Sexual abuse of children may be society's worst crime. It is so contemptible that the very people that society locks away for some other crime will not tolerate the perpetrator in the prison environment. A person need not be a confirmed pedophile, but "merely" a person who was caught taking indecent liberties with a child. He (usually the offender is male) may be raped, maimed, or even murdered in order to be "held accountable" by those who are disgusted and enraged by the behavior, even though the self-appointed punishers have committed other atrocious crimes themselves.

I have listened to the personal stories of women who told of their own abuse or the abuse of their daughters by someone the child trusted. Why is it that such a devastating thing is often hidden by the child, or if told to someone, is ignored or dismissed? Because something in us tells us to be ashamed. As shameful as the occurrence of abuse is, the shame is compounded by the concealing of it by those who know better—not the child, but the perpetrator and anyone else implicated in any way. The very adults that should be most concerned about what the child has suffered commonly deny it. Sadly, it is often the mother—a child's first line of defense—who defends her husband, boy friend, father, or other male. "Nothing happened," she says, and the victim therefore is made to feel this trouble is somehow her fault. (Not always, but most often, "her.") It is not her fault. It is not.

Nothing that a child (anyone under 18, the law says) could do or say warrants an adult taking advantage of her, even if her appearance or behavior exhibits early sexualization. It is simply not right. It is not fair, it is not moral, and it is not legal. And yet, we are slow to confront sexual abuse. Even the Church is guilty of tiptoeing around this "elephant in the living room." [A huge issue that everyone knows about but no one has the courage to discuss] Some of the worst offenders have come from environments that protect everyone in the name of compassion. Compassion for whom? Not for innocent children, but for powerful males—in the Church itself and in the home. Although it's appropriate to teach our children about "stranger danger," they are less likely to be mistreated by someone who wanders around on the streets than by someone they know and trust. We are misplacing some of our caution.

What can possibly be the rationale for molesting one's own daughter (granddaughter, sister, or niece)? It's the ownership thing. "This isn't really all that bad," is often what he is thinking. "She is mine, anyway." The spectacular news accounts of kidnapping are spectacular for the very reason that they are relatively infrequent. The man who would never go out and terrorize and sexually abuse a child/young girl that he does not know, may excuse the very same behavior in the safe confines of his home or church community, and repeat it over and over again.

I have known a few women who, decades later, confronted their known abuser or the confidante who had failed to believe them. I am not speaking of so-called "recovered memories," a term which became popular more than a decade ago but has since come into some question. These women are not just now remembering; they have never forgotten. Their memories are as clear as when the events occurred. Sadly, the response in more than one case was, "It isn't true. Nothing happened."

To be sure, a child's memory is not always accurate, but something happened. These women have carried with them, into and even throughout their adulthood, such consequences as fear, anger, self-hatred, sexual dysfunction and depression. They were not casting about to discover some cause for their personal problems and "Aha!" landed upon sexual abuse. They clearly remember, and some even have further supporting evidence.

But the abuser insists, "Nothing happened." One cannot just agree, "Okay then, nothing happened." The life-damaging experiences cannot be denied, but must be faced. We cannot change the past; not even God can go back and make things that happened not to have happened. But He can move us toward healing.

-- Books are written for women with just this kind of wounded heart; you can find
them at a bookstore or your local library. (Don't be embarrassed to ask. We have
been far too careful for far too long.) Realizing that one is not alone is often
in itself a great relief.

-- There are people who will listen and help. Some counselors are experienced in dealing with the issue of childhood sexual abuse and can offer beneficial perspective. Other women may find their way in a support group, or even by just finally telling one other person. Telling someone means that the frightful thing that has been living a life of its own in the dark has to come out into the light. There it can be recognized for what it is: an especially cruel crime against a child and a terrible offense to God. Sometimes the abuser himself must be confronted; more about that later.

-- Most of all, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalme 34:28) One brave woman shared with our church women's group, "I forgave him," and she told about her long, painful struggle to come to that place. He did not want her pardon—"Nothing happened," he said—but she explained to us, "Forgiveness is not about his peace, but mine."

-- Don't be discouraged when, perhaps even after a long time, memories still surface. As is true with a physical trauma, some deep emotional wounds may never disappear completely. But we can find release from the shame. It is not ours to bear, but the offender's. We did nothing wrong. The remaining scars only show us where the wounds have been healing.

Next post (in a day or two): Some thoughts about the Church's responsibility, "Restorative Justice."

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton