Affirmation

All through elementary school and high school, I loved my teachers. They encouraged me and gave me interesting things to do when my assigned work was completed. I remember "writing a book," illustrated with pictures I had drawn or cut out of magazines. I was in the 8th grade, I think, and the story was a recap of the long historical poem "Evangeline" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. I was engrossed in that project for a long time, and so pleased with my finished work—because the teacher was pleased. I was not accustomed to such response. I realize now that she thought to create "busy work" for me, but in reality she was feeding a sensitive spirit and a busy, creative mind.

Mother Teresa declared that there is more hunger in this world for love and appreciation than there is for bread. She saw real, terrible hunger in Calcutta, and yet she saw a need for something more than food to sustain the human spirit. How do we get the affirmation we need?

One of the truths Jesus taught—I'll venture to say it is a spiritual principle—was "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:38) So what we want to receive, we must learn to give. "If you wish your merit to be known," an Oriental proverb says, "acknowledge that of other people." Too often, we fear if others receive notice or praise or reward, we will have to do without. That's not true! Affirmation, appreciation, encouragement, validation—these are "renewable resources" in the personal sense. It is not as though there is only so much of them in the world, and if someone gets a lot, you and I may not get what should come our way!

We sometimes mistakenly expect our affirmation and appreciation to come from those whom we choose. Ideally, perhaps, it would have been my own parents who encouraged my abilities. But they had little opportunity to identify them, and few resources to further their development. Jesus' words about receiving just as we have given say nothing about the source of our benefits. Those do not necessarily come as a direct return. They will likely come from another person, from God Himself, or even from our own sense of satisfaction, at another time, and in another place.

Sometimes we write for people who don't read or make music for people who don't listen. We cook for people who don't sit down to eat or rear children who turn out to be ungrateful. Well, we may be looking for appreciation from the wrong people! We might try somewhere else: sharing our story with a writing group, singing or playing our song to another person who makes music, creating that special dish for the folks at work, being the classroom mother who can be counted on. There's nothing wrong with wanting affirmation. We just have to learn where to look for it.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved

Quotations at http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Appreciation1.htm

A Quiet Place

I am of the opinion that most women, maybe even all of them, need a quiet place somewhere. This is probably true for men as well, although we've been led to believe that men and women are as different as night and day (or Mars and Venus, if you will). However, I know more about women, so I'll share from the viewpoint of those I've known.

I personally know about "busy" and about "tired." I was a single mom with a full-time job who was also attending school and participating actively in my church. And yet most days, I managed to find a quiet time and place for thought and prayer, not because I was so wonderfully spiritual but because it was essential for my survival! I know other women, back then and now, who also are pulled in many directions by their responsibilities, and yet they keep a calm place in the center of themselves. One of the ways they do that is by making a literal "quiet place."

I was grounded in the belief that "daily devotions" were one of the primary acts of a real Christian. Furthermore, one ought to give the best part of the day to God; naturally, that would be morning. (This in spite of the fact that many people would have to confess that morning is not their personal best part of the day!) I was convinced that Bishop Ralph Cushman's poem was exactly right.

So I think I know the secret,
Learned through many a troubled way:
"You must meet God in the morning
If you want Him through the day."

Is that actually true? I no longer think so. Didn't Jesus promise that the Father would send the Holy Spirit who would always be with us and in us? And hasn't the Father sent Him? I do recognize the importance of our two-way communication with God; that is what supports and builds our relationship with Him. I also know that a morning time before we get busy or pulled into some tense situation can be a significant help. But to assume that God doesn't stay close to me if I haven't said "Good morning" is sadly limiting Him. With the respect due Dr. Cushman, I have to differ from his conclusion. Obviously, it worked for him, and many other wise and wonderful Christians who also used early morning hours to pray and study and write their best-seller books. But there are still many others who have not been able to make that work in their lives.

One summer, I assisted in an orphanage, mothering several babies and toddlers. Young and inexperienced, I was simply overwhelmed with the responsibilities. When night came, I crashed wearily into bed. "I am so ashamed," I confessed to God. "I haven't even thought about You all day." A sense of comfort came over me as I remembered Jesus' words to His disciples, "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me . . . If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love." (John 15:4, 10 KJV) It is as simple—and also as urgent—as staying connected. That is not the same for every woman, and often it is not the same for one woman at various stages of her life.

Ideally, busy women have a few moments at some time in their day to be alone and quiet, at least most days. This has proved to be important for the mental and emotional and spiritual well-being of a great many women over many generations. Susanna Wesley, mother of Charles and John, gave birth to nineteen babies, ten of whom lived to maturity. How did she ever find time to think and pray? Where could she find a quiet place? She had to create a time and a place. Sitting in her chair, she would flip the apron she was wearing up over her head, and the children knew they were not to disturb her while she was there!

But even if one has not found the quiet place, it is not wise or healthful or spiritual to live under condemnation for not being able to do so! Whatever it takes to keep a strong, vital connection to the Vine is what one needs to do, and all that one needs to do!

Marjorie

The lines of poetry above are part of a longer poem of Bishop Cushman's, which can be found at http://clergyresources.net/I%20met%20God%20in%20the%20Morning.htm

What Happens When Women Worry

Today I came across an old book that I have had for a long time. Over thirty years ago, a Christian woman wrote, "What Happens When Women Pray"—not a question, but a statement. It has gone into many editions; there are over two million in print. She outlines some of the basic concepts of prayer and how God answers. Seeing the title again brought to mind an opposing thought: what happens when women worry.
Living in a constant state of worry can trigger a host of physical reactions. In long-ago times, the "fight or flight" response protected our ancestors from wild animals and unfriendly humans. In ordinary, daily life we don't face those dangers, but our body doesn't know that. When subjected to continued intense anxiety, it prepares for a genuine threat. The nervous system releases stress hormones to boost the body's fuel levels—but if the constant inrush of fuel is not needed for physical activity like fighting or running away (or used in purposeful exercise), it can create health problems.

The fast heartbeat, dry mouth, trembling or weakness that one may experience after a scare can become commonplace to the chronic worrier. Dizziness, muscle tension and aches, shortness of breath or difficulty swallowing, headaches, and nausea may also occur. Eventually, there could be serious physical consequences including suppression of the immune system, digestive disorders, premature coronary artery disease, and heart attack.

Worry, some wise person has said, is a cycle of inefficient thought whirling around a center of fear. If you are a worrier, your doctor might suggest some lifestyle changes, telling you to exercise and to eat a healthful diet, cut down on caffeine and learn to relax—all of which can be very helpful. You might also consider dealing with those two things that constitute so much of our worry: inefficient thought and fear.

How about sitting down to give careful thought to the worrisome situation:
4First, is it my responsibility?
4Am I able to do anything about it?
4Will anything change if I continue to fret?
4On the contrary, what might possibly happen if I pray?

And then consider that pivotal fear:
4Is the perceived danger present and real?
4What is likely to happen if I take action based on my feeling of fear?
4But what could happen if I act on my knowledge that God is bigger than anything?

What happens when women worry? Not much that is helpful. But perhaps they eventually see Jesus' truth. "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things [what to eat and what to wear], but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:30-34 MSG)

Marjorie

Physiological information from http://www.webmd.com/balance/how-worrying-affects-your-body Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Having a Nervous Breakthrough

Although it is not a clinical term that medical professionals use, most laypeople understand what is meant when we speak of having "a nervous breakdown." We use that expression to describe the state of a person who is so severely and persistently distraught that he or she is unable to function normally. Put very simply, it could be defined as one type of "system overload."

Whenever systems are overloaded, problems develop and symptoms of the excess burden present themselves. The car overheats, the electric power has a brown-out, the water pipe starts to leak, the computer "freezes." Or in the case of our bodies, very strong psychological experience(s) may overwhelm the circuitry of mind, emotions, spirit, and will. Then the individual is unable to cope effectively, at least temporarily, with life.

Sometimes people feel depressed or burned-out or restless. They can't sleep or they sleep too much, can't eat or eat too much. They can't concentrate, can't make decisions. They cry all the time. When I hear someone relate these symptoms, I am reminded of David. If you read the Psalms as a personal journal, you will find that he had some extreme lows, full of despair. But if you read on, you see that these times were followed by confident assertions about God's mercy and exultant praise for His goodness.

The expression isn't new, but I ran across it the other day for the first time: "Having a nervous breakthrough." It too describes a state of our being, having little or nothing to do with the nervous system, just as nervous breakdown has little or none. It is the return to healthy working of the systems, enabling the user (one of us) to resume living our ordinary life. The "breakdown" did not happen overnight, nor is the "breakthrough" apt to occur suddenly. Often it takes some time; it may require some help. The car may need a mechanic's hand; you may have to call a plumber about the leak. The internal "break" may call for a counselor, or a visit to a medical professional, or just getting out of a bruising routine for some real rest.

Just because these two terms—breakdown and breakthrough—are not medical terms does not mean they aren't real. Their presence signals the need for some attention, just as do the overheated car and the leaking water pipe.

Marjorie

Uninvited Guests

It may come as a surprise to the just-married when they find that they are not alone in their new home. Those who are contemplating marriage (or re-marriage) would do well to recognize that it's likely someone is going to be sharing their living space, at least for awhile. These uninvited personalities make their presence felt at the most inappropriate times—during otherwise pleasant dinner-table conversation, while sharing ordinary household tasks, even in the tenderest intimacies of the bedroom.

Nor is it only in marriage that we find these interlopers. They hound us at work, they follow us into the grocery store, they may even attend church when we do. There is no place where we are safe from the uncomfortable or downright disturbing presence of these uninvited guests.

Well, who are these rude folks? They are not, as one might suppose, his children or hers from an earlier relationship nor an aging or ill parent who must have care. Those situations are certainly not easy, but one can cope with them by making some house rules, putting locks on doors, or creating some trade-offs. These intruders are not private investigators sent to your workplace, spies secretly checking out your marketing habits, or evil entities of some sort trying to distract you from worship. As a matter of fact, they are not even real people. They are but shadows of real people—perhaps the authority figures of your childhood, or your partner in a former marriage, somebody you knew long ago and couldn't trust, or even the fantasy, larger-than-life figure of yourself as the perfect mate or the ideal employee.

These intruders are difficult to deal with, being, as they are, so sly and elusive. It is not necessary for them to batter their way in for they come through closed doors anyway, floating unbidden into the situations of ordinary life. They do not ask permission to enter the present; they just arrive and wait to be accepted.

And therein is the key. It is our recognition—over and over again, if it takes that—that makes them slink away. When your husband gets surly because you've repeated your request to take care of some chore, he very possibly is not responding to you, but to his mother or his fifth grade teacher, or to some other person you don't even know and who he himself doesn't realize has come back. When the boss seems gruff, you may react as though you were being scolded by a parent or coach or some former authority with whom you had a run-in. And keep in mind, he or she may be acting out of some past scenario as well. It gets complicated!

There are usually enough difficult people in the world around us that we hardly need to accept the uninvited ones from the past! The better we are able to recognize these shadowy persons for who they are, the better we can make appropriate responses to the real people in our lives.

Marjorie

Walking Behind

Just as happens with other social expectations, the role that women (wives, in particular) are required to assume tends to swing from one side to the other. Since very early times, women have been considered a creative source of life; they do bear children, after all. Historically, however, they have also been considered intellectually inferior to men and a major source of temptation to evil. In fact, Roman law declared women were but children and always subject to men.

We would like to think that Jesus changed all of that since He obviously respected women, extending courtesy and personal dignity to them. While it is true that the Bible (and the writings of other major religions too, for that matter) teach equality, men do not always see that balance as part of their spiritual obligation. Unfortunately early Christian theology perpetuated the discriminatory views. St. Jerome, a 4th century Latin church father, declared woman, among other derogatory descriptions, "a perilous object." Some centuries later, Thomas Aquinas, a Christian theologian, recognized woman's role as a helpmeet and necessary for conception, but said that "for other purposes, man would be better assisted by other men."

The attitude toward women in the East was at first more favorable, but evolving religious restrictions eventually required obedience of women toward men. They could not own property, and widows could not remarry. Women had to walk behind their husbands. This is still true in some cultures today, although I want to make it clear that this is not law now, nor is it demanded by religious beliefs. It is the custom carried over, not easily relinquished, from earlier times.

You would not expect to find this true in places where it has never been required, but here it is. Although far from the terrible abuse some wives suffer from their "devoutly Christian" husbands, one little measure of disrespect never fails to make me uncomfortable when I observe it, which is fairly often: Women walking several feet behind the men accompanying them.

Granted, perhaps he is taller and has a hard time fitting his pace to the smaller steps she takes. Even if her height is similar, though, that does not mean her legs are as long as his. (A torso of average length can be equipped with short limbs. I happen to know this!) But where is his common courtesy? Wife, friend, or co-worker—must she always be in an uncomfortable hurry to keep up?

Furthermore, I wonder if this may speak of how important the fellow assumes he is. Impatient to be about the "real business," he ignores some critical interpersonal business. Fifteen seconds in his time of arrival will make that much difference? If he comes in first, does that make him the main feature? Must she always have to appear to be slow or lagging behind?

Or in the case of the conservative church-going couple, does he outpace her to demonstrate to observers that he is the leader in his household? (This would be appropriate if they were confronting danger like lions or landmines, but is unnecessary in ordinary circumstances, I think.) Does it indicate that a domestic spat has occurred? Or that one is brewing? To be fair, I've seen angry women stalking off too, leaving a puzzled man in their wake.

Mostly, we may just be unaware of how much this one telling little action can tell. Think about it!

Marjorie

"I'm Here"

Forty years or so ago, an author of books for young people (Judy Blume) titled one of her stories, "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret." That title came to mind today when I was thinking about whether or not God answers the prayers of those who aren't committed to serving Him.

Understandably, there is not consensus among non-believers, believers, and even scholars. Personally, I grew up believing that the only prayer God could hear from a sinner was "the sinner's prayer"—that is, "I am a sinner. I believe that Jesus died for my sins and I now receive Him as my Savior." That is what my religious instructors taught, and so that is what I believed. I am less sure of that now that I understand God is very much bigger than I thought!

Yes, there are Scriptures to argue for only "children of God" getting their prayers through. The blind man whom Jesus had healed declared, "Now we know God does not hear sinners, but only those who worship God and do His will." (John 9:31) The blind man, however, was simply making an argument against calling Jesus a sinner on the basis of the healing He had done on the Sabbath. He was not making a theological statement or attempting to teach those who were present.

Isaiah speaks of the sin issue too, as does the Psalmist. "Behold, the LORD’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear." "If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear. But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to the voice of my prayer. (Isaiah 59:1, 2; Psalm 66:18, 19 NKJV) There is a condition here that should not be ignored: these were God's own people. He needed to make clear that withholding blessing from them was, or would be, the consequence of dishonoring Him before those around them. To enjoy His favor while living in open sin would send the message that right relationship to God is of little concern.

Does God answer the prayer of sinners when they ask for protection, provision, or other kinds of help? It's hard to say. Countless stories assure us that some wonderful things do happen that are hard to explain in any other way. We know that "the Lord is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. The Lord is good to everyone. He showers compassion on all his creation." (Psalm 145:8, 9 NLT) And ”he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike." Matthew 5:45 NLT) Did the righteous farmer get his prayers answered while the unrighteous farmer couldn't expect anything and just had to take what came? I guess only God knows. And He is the one who gets to decide.

I like to encourage people wherever I meet them to pray. Sam Shoemaker, who had significant spiritual impact on Alcoholics Anonymous and who founded the Faith at Work organization, tells of dealing with a desperate man who admitted he didn't believe in God and certainly didn't know how to pray. The Rev. Shoemaker asked him to try this experiment (on a regular basis): First, get down on your knees and say whatever comes to mind, addressing your thoughts to "The Unknown." Secondly, read a chapter from the book of John in the Bible.

Out of respect for the man of God, the inquirer obliged, albeit reluctantly. After awhile, the man found he was actually praying to God and he was reading the Bible on his own. At last he had to admit that "something" was helping him; he eventually became a Christian believer and a leader in the church. This was simply because, Shoemaker says, faith came in "when there was an opening for God to get through."

I would not want to limit God in the creative ways He uses to woo the hearts of those who need somebody on their side.

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret—or Jennifer or Emily or Madison.
Yes, I'm here.

Marjorie

Scripture marked NKJV taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Acting As If

The Rev. Samuel M. Shoemaker gets credit for originating the "Act As If" practice that is popular in Alcoholics Anonymous and other Twelve Step programs. The principles of those steps grew out of the Oxford Group based at Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City where Shoemaker was Rector of the Church and spiritual leader of the Oxford Group. It is he who provided the early inspiration for the spiritual aspects of twelve-step programs, and began using the phrase, "act as if" about 1954. Some naysayers insist that "acting as if" is deceiving oneself, putting on a front for others, or even lying!

I think, however, it comes down to the matter of motive. If we are trying to convince ourselves that we are a superior being, yes, that is deception. If we intend to trick others into believing that we are something that we are not, yes, that is lying. However, affirming what we believe and hope for and beginning to act on it strengthens our belief and hope.

Acting as if does not mean writing checks as if I have money in the bank when I do not.
Acting as if does not mean feigning calm as if I cannot feel hurt or disappointment or anger. Acting as if does not mean working day and night as if I need no rest or self-care.

Acting as if is facing reality and responding appropriately.
Acting as if is intentional in cultivating healthy relationships.
Acting as if is assertive (neither passive nor aggressive) personal behavior.
Acting as if means beginning now to take the action or speak the words I would if I were already the person I want to become!

How would you act if you were not shy, or ashamed, or afraid? Act as if you are not.

How would a self-confident, interesting person act? How would a person act who respected others and herself/himself? Start acting that way.

How would a woman act who believed God valued her and had Divine purpose for her life? Act like her.

Acting as if is decisive. Acting as if involves action based on more than feeling. Acting as if purposes to align us with what is true.

Marjorie