A Memorial and a Name

In long ago days, a harem-keeper or sometimes a chamberlain was an emasculated man. The Old Testament law excluded these "mutilated" men, and foreigners also, from service in high religious offices. Certainly their lament might have been, "I have no children, no one to carry on my name, no future." The prophet Isaiah, however, pronounced wonderful blessing for these who were lacking a position of privilege. Today, our access is no longer according to the narrow legal regulations of the former time, and everyone may enjoy spiritual blessing. Perhaps, though, those who have been disenfranchised by society's intolerance may have a particular right to appropriate these verses (which I've adapted a bit.)

“Don’t let foreigners who commit themselves to the LORD say, ‘The LORD will never let me be part of his people.’ And don’t let the [forgotten ones] say, ‘I’m a dried-up tree with no children and no future.’ For this is what the LORD says: I will bless those [lonely ones] who keep my Sabbath days holy and who choose to do what pleases me and commit their lives to me. I will give them—within the walls of my house—a memorial and a name far greater than sons and daughters could give. For the name I give them is an everlasting one. It will never disappear!" (Isaiah 56:3-5)

An inheritance of sons and daughters brings with it care and sometimes, along with delight, more than a little grief and shame. The blessings we receive from God, however, are not bitter. "The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow with it." (Proverbs 10:22) Spiritual blessings are far greater than having sons and daughters, as much as a person may desire them. Three things are gifts:

In the present, a welcome: No one, regardless of their position in life, should ever say, "I can't be one of God's people; I'm not good enough." Of course, no one is! We are redeemed, and we are made welcome by the worthiness of Christ our Lord.

For the past, acceptance and a memorial that reminds watching worlds that this child of God has been faithful and obedient through the most difficult of circumstances.

For the future, an everlasting name. John the Revelator wrote, "To everyone who is victorious . . . I [Christ] will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it." We cannot fathom what that means, but what a special treasure!

Never suppose, if life has passed you by in some way, that you are the loser for it. God has a way of restoring what has been lost or stolen.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004.  Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America.  All rights reserved.

Doing Change

I apologize to the psychologist-author-media personality ahead of time: But I just can't buy the idea of a "new husband by Friday" or "new kid" similarly. Oh yes, he's a humorist too--maybe that explains it.

Seriously, I'm sure there are good workable ideas for many wives and mothers in his books, but changing a man's attitude, behavior, and communication in five days? No, I don't think so. Maybe a new understanding, beginning to interact better, trying more demonstrate love in ways he understands. These are a start—and they begin not with the husband or kid, but with me or you.

And the kid? Yes, but actually the changes begin with mom. Take charge. Form deeper, more meaningful bonds with the children. Don't base discipline on threats and fear but on cause/effect. All of this takes some "smarts" and attention from the adult in the situation. So I was really glad to see the latest book: Have a New You by Friday: How to Accept Yourself, Boost Your Confidence & Change Your Life in 5 Days Now the emphasis is on the only person we can actually change—ourselves. I'm still not sure a new you can be developed in five days, but one can certainly get a boost.

And it can be any time—even today. You don't have to start on a Monday and get to a "new you" on a Friday! ☺

Marjorie

Responsibility

There are only two kinds of responsibility that we ordinarily face:

Mine and

      Not Mine.

Differentiating between the two can be a tricky proposition; we don't always know what is mine and what is not mine. However, our success as parents and employees, as citizens of our country and world, and as Christians depends on our ability to take our own responsibilities and let others (and God Himself) assume theirs.

For starters, here are some of My Responsibilities:

For the life I have now. Regardless of what my past held and how it formed me, I must take charge of how I respond to today's challenges. No matter who has influenced me and what events have developed my worldview, I am the only one who can, with God's help, grow into who I should be. That may involve change; nobody can do that for me, and even God won't do it without my cooperation!

For letting go of things I should not or cannot control. I can no longer manage the affairs of my child, now an adult, whom I once had to guide and direct. I cannot change the personality of the one with whom I find it difficult to get along. I can do but a little to change the way things are run in my church or my country; what I can do cheerfully and without force is mine to do, but fuming about the state of affairs does not accomplish anything.

For integrity. If I am specifically given accountability for tasks, situations, individuals or groups, I am to administer love with both mercy and justice as I myself would want to be treated.

For demonstrating reconciliation. This is the message of the Gospel, and I should reflect in my own relationships what God has for all who will accept His offer.

Not Mine.

What is yours before God.

Marjorie

Who Am I?

We often short-change ourselves by accepting an incomplete definition of "who am I?" We explain who we are by saying I'm Jake's wife or Bobby's mother, Susie's piano teacher or debate coach. We introduce ourselves by what we do: I am the president at BigStuff Productions, I am a CPA, I'm a pest exterminator. An unfortunate thing about such identity markers is that they don't last. How will the woman define herself when Jake is no longer in the picture, Bobby has grown up and left home, or she isn't able to give piano lessons any more? What happens when the company president or the CPA retires, and if pest control is done by huge municipal enterprises?

Sometimes, and often without realizing it, we define ourselves—especially to ourselves—by some experience in our past. "I am the adult child of an alcoholic," "I am the victim of a rape," "I was abused as a child," "I'm a divorcee," "I served time in prison," "I killed people during the war." It's completely understandable that circumstances like these would mark indelibly the one who experienced them. It's not wise or right to minimize the ensuing trauma; I clearly favor getting appropriate support services along with professional help as needed.

However, the sooner one can let go of the limited naming of oneself the better. "I am not that role or that job; it cannot define me. I am something even bigger and better." And the sooner one can let go of the negative naming of oneself the better. "I am not that experience. My divorce—my mother's alcoholism—my abuse—my crime does not define me. I am something other than, and more than, that trauma."

I am made in the image of God.
I am His child, redeemed by the Savior.
I am called by name, and tenderly led by the Great Shepherd.
I am choice in God's sight, the "apple of His eye."
I have an advocate in Jesus, someone who stands up for me.
I am part of the Body of Christ, placed there with purpose.
I have gifts to share, given by the Spirit of God.
I have eternity in my heart—now and forever.

Who am I? What defines me? Who God says I am.

Marjorie

Love Thinks No Evil

Not long ago I read again the story of the Amish schoolhouse killings in 2006, and marveled at the extraordinary forgiveness demonstrated by the community.

One of the fathers told his son "We mustn't think evil."  (King James scripture tells us that love thinks  no evil.)  What does that mean, I wondered? Maybe he really meant—and I have to admire it—"Don't judge the man who did this; don't dwell on it." At the same time, are we not to recognize that what this man did was a heinous crime? Are we not to think that his deeds—and the intentions he demonstrably had but did not carry out—were anything but evil? Should he not have to suffer consequences?  (Actually, he did take his own life.) This idea troubles me.

We sometimes take only Jesus' admonition, "Judge not" and omit the rest of what He said. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Matthew 7:1, 2 NIV) Jesus was aiming at hypocrites, those who would want "justice for you and mercy for me." He made it clear enough that we can spot those who falsely make claims by examining the fruit of their lives. When I go to the store, I can pick a good melon or pass by the bruised peaches. Yes, I am judging! In much the same way, I look for evidence of spiritual life and health. But a warning! My criteria for that "judgment" will certainly be used for my life also. As I judge others, I too will be judged by them.

"To the pure, all things are pure." I read once that this means those who think purely—clearly, without personal agenda—see things as they really are. I would hope that we can think straight enough to see that this terrible incident in the Amish community was "purely evil," entirely, wholly wrong. In that sense, we judge. We are not the ones who make a legal judgment; judges and juries do that. We do not make an eternal one; only God can do that. But let us not confuse "thinking no evil" with closing our eyes to terrible realities. Wrong is wrong, however you look at it. The option we have is choosing whether to take it into ourselves and let it fester or to maintain attention on what is true and noble and just. (See Philippians 5:8)

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

"My Bad"

Matt was accused of creating the problems in his domestic life, and right or wrong, he accepted the blame. Doing so, made him look like a bad person. But I know Matt, and I know he is not a bad person. So that caused me to start pondering—"Are blame for doing a bad thing and being bad really the same thing? Why do we mix them up?"

I grew up thinking they were much the same. Back then, if someone said, "It's your fault," I took that to mean, "Then you are a bad person." We had not yet come to saying as in today's vernacular, "My bad," meaning "I did something wrong, or foolish, or just by mistake." This admission does not carry the sense that I believe that I am a bad person or that you will think I am. And that is quite a good thing.

Good people and well-meaning people sometimes do bad things. Abraham lied, twice, about his relationship to his wife beautiful Sarah, pitting her at risk. King David dallied with a female subject and subsequently planned the murder of her husband. Peter adamantly refused to extend the Gospel past his own ethnicity. Paul's confessed that he, with his impeccable heritage, was the worst of all sinners.

These same individuals, repentant and redeemed, were not bad people. Abraham was known as a friend of God, and David was called a man after God's own heart. Peter accepted the Divine instruction that the Gospel was for Gentiles also. Paul declared at life's end, "I have kept the faith, and there's a crown for me." Obviously, admitting that "Yes, I am a sinner; yes, I have behaved like a sinner" does not make a person beyond the reach of grace.

A trick that Satan is fond of sung on Christians: the belief that they are irretrievably bad. Standing up to our responsibility, admitting "my bad," is very different from defeatedly bowing under constant blame heaped on by the devil or by unhappy people or even by our own hopeful selves. Instead, "I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels." (Isaiah 61:10)

What an exchange! My "badness" or fearful sense of "badness" for His goodness!

Marjorie

Scripture quotation taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

The Lifter of My Head

I remember acutely the day that a set of circumstances closed around me, and it became clear that I had made some serious errors. All unknowing, I had made unwise decisions on top of coerced actions on top of misguided trust, and that had led me to a deep, dark place. "I am so ashamed," I confessed to a friend. "I don't want to be around people. I don't want them to see me."

"You have done nothing wrong," the other assured me. "But still, it's okay to take a little break." Those words were most helpful, for what I needed was to understand that I did not have to bow to remorse and shame; in a few days when I met people again, I could hold my head up.

"Many are they who say of me, 'There is no help for him in God.' But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head." I cried to the LORD with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill." (Psalm 3:2-4 NKJV)

Shame, I think, is a common part of the human condition, at least ever since Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden. Only after disobeying God, they felt naked and defenseless. They were ashamed.

Our personal shame arises from many sources: From a shame-filled upbringing. From an uninformed or misguided conscience. From our own shortcomings, real or perceived. From an inability to handle objectively the opinions of others. But the difficult thing about shame is that I cannot do anything much to relieve it; guilt is handled by repentance and restitution, but shame is deeper than that. It strikes not at what I have done, but who I am.

That is what God changes—who I am. "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (II Corinthians 5:17 NLT) Shame, because we are Adam's race, is part of being human. It cannot really be evaded. But it can be healed by the One who is the "Lifter of My Head."

Marjorie

Scripture marked NKJV is taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Different Families

All of us grow up in different families, even if we are born to the same parents and live in the same house! My sister has told me, especially as I relate "Things Mama Taught Me" on my Finding the Faith Way blog, "You had different parents than I had. That's not the mother I knew."

When I was born, I was the baby girl who followed two boys. When my mother realized that she now had the daughter she wanted so much, she was convinced she would never be unhappy again. (Oh my! How naïve she was!) I realize now, as an adult, that my mother was thus confessing that there were times when she was, in fact, unhappy. Not just exasperated with a couple of rowdy boys, not just tired from a farm-wife's duties, not just worried about some things the household lacked—but unhappy. That makes me sad. My mother had an early ambition to be a nurse or a teacher. She graduated from high school, something not every girl did in those days. Did the role of wife and mother stifle the creative urge I am certain she possessed? I will never know. But of course, this woman at thirty-five was very different from the girl of nineteen.

Here are some of the ordinary things that make the same family "different". (I have left out the really awful things like death of a parent, abuse or abandonment, loss of the home, the unexpected and unwanted child, and so on.)

4Some family members are a good fit. They are at ease together, they understand each other, they like each other. Others are not such a good fit--you wouldn't select them as friends if you were doing the choosing! We sometimes say, "He is like a brother (or a father) to me." "She is the mother (or the sister) I did not have." This statement reveals our yearning for the ideal—often an impossible one—that our real father or mother, brother or sister did not, and indeed could not, meet. This idealistic idea of love is one reason that many a person grows up feeling unloved.

4Unloved does not necessarily mean deprived or neglected. It means just what it says, "not loved." The opposite of love is not always—as we've usually been taught—hate. The opposite of love is often apathy, another reason for being "unloved." Whatever the cause, some parents are unable to nurture their offspring emotionally. They are just too busy. Or they are oppressed financially. They know only one way to treat children: the way they themselves were treated. They are at odds with each other. They hate their jobs, or they don't have one at all. They don't like themselves, and they don't really like kids either, or at least not so many of them!

4Perceived differences can make children feel unloved. To them, "fair" means equal opportunity or the very same treatment. This isn't realistic. Children are not the same and have different needs; parents, because they are human, may—aware or not—show favoritism. (Yes, it does happen in good families. Look at Joseph's story in the Bible!) However, studies show that preferential treatment may not be for the person himself/herself since it often doesn't continue all through the child's development. The preference may be for the life stage of the child—as a darling infant or the adorable toddler or precocious five-year old. What sibling can process this accurately?

We shouldn't be too surprised that two people born to the same parents and raised in the same home do not think and feel and act the same. The very fact of each one's birth changed the dynamics and created a different family.

Marjorie

Information about the study I mentioned is from Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt authored by Peg Streep.