Saying "No"

Perhaps I would like to give to the organizations that call for my donation: the veterans' groups, the Heart Association, the Diabetes Research Foundation, the Cancer Society, my alumni association, and the sponsors of law enforcement benefits. First of all, I don't buy or give over the phone—period. But if I did, would I be able to do all they ask, and still pay my utility bill? No.

I get letters in the mail too, and I'd like to send all of them a nice check: the veterans' groups and the Salvation Army and Easter Seals and a local hospice. All good causes, but can I do that and buy groceries too? No.

The United Way coordinator at work expects me to pledge. Every visiting missionary at church would like for me to pledge. The local NPR station wants me to pledge. Quasi-political organizations ask me to pledge. Can I respond to all of them? No.

A young salesman comes to the door: Will I buy candles or stationery so he can win a trip, and this will "keep young people off the street." The Girl Scouts come: Buy cookies so I can go to camp. A man comes with vacuum cleaners, another with citrus fruit. Am I able to buy stuff I don't really want or need to help people win prizes or even earn their livelihood? No. (The grandkids come: Grandma, will you buy cookie dough or refrigerator magnets or candles or stationery? Why yes, of course. That's different!)

And it isn't just money. "We need volunteers at the free-meal center . . . in our vacation Bible School . . . to be a literacy tutor . . . to be a Big Brother/Big Sister . . . at the re-sale store . . . to drive on the field trip." There is not time and energy enough to do all that. So the answer is "No."

Why is it so hard to say "No"? Often it is because we feel dumb, or we're anxious about the goodwill of others, or afterwards we feel guilty. But sometimes it is just because we have so seldom asserted our right to choose. We are the ones responsible for determining our behavior and realizing its consequences, and no amount of coercion should sway us from that. We do not have to justify our decision, even if it is illogical, by giving reasons or excuses. (Well, maybe to the grandkids!)

When should you say "No"? When "no" is what you want to say. When "no" is what you mean. If "no" is really the message, then don't say "Well . . ." or "I'm not sure . . ." Say "No," clearly and, if necessary, persistently.

How do you say "No"?
First, put your tongue to your palate just behind your front teeth, and vocalize. That is N.
Make a round opening with your lips; vocalize. That is O.
N-O.
There, that wasn't so hard, was it? With practice you can become quite fluent in this expression!

Marjorie