Tell

When I began writing this blog, I promised myself that I would address not only the ordinary issues that Christian women face but also the tragedies that some are living. This post first appeared on November 20, 2008, as an entry on my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way." Because of its relevance to women in particular, I have moved it to this location.

"When a tree falls in a lonely forest, and no animal is near by (sic) to hear it, does it make a sound?" Readers of a 1910 physics book pondered the question, so this philosophical riddle has been around for a long time. (Wikiquote) Of course, the answer depends on our definition of sound. If we mean the frequency of vibrations caused by one thing striking another, yes, it makes a sound. If we mean these vibrations striking a hearing organ and messages being sent to a brain, no, it does not. So there is not one answer; it all depends on how you look at it.
I know women—it can be men too, but it is more often women—who silently suffer abuse in their homes. “No one is around to hear it.” Rarely do I see evidence of physical battering; that’s just too obvious. But they are victims of “stealth” abusers; you would have to live in their house to witness the abuse. Here are some examples:

A pattern of lying, insults, ignoring, manipulation, criticism, intentional irritation, devaluation, threats, humiliation, coercion, name-calling, intimidation.

More? A pattern of sadistic humor, sexual objectification, punishment, unreasonable expectations, a purposely-created atmosphere of fear and unpredictability.

And then there is control. A pattern of arbitrarily determining how much one can spend and on what, where one can go, how many miles you can drive, when you must return, whom you can see, what you should wear, how you are to sit, eat, talk, and stand, when you can sleep.

This is not an exclusive list, for there are many more creative ways to abuse than I have mentioned here. Because there are no bruises, many women (and men too) feel they really shouldn’t make a fuss about it, and anyway, if I don’t think too much about it, can it really be happening? “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Now everybody gets up on the wrong side of bed once in awhile. Everyone has a tough day now and then and becomes irritable. That’s not what this is about. We are considering here a pattern of behavior with the characteristics outlined above. How does a person get into a situation like this? It is the rare person who would marry someone they knew would be abusive. A common way is this: the would-be abuser has learned by observation and practice to make his/her actions appear normal—perhaps even better than normal. They are attractive, charming, devout certainly, smart probably, guaranteed (by their own good word!) to be trustworthy. They can keep up this for some extended periods of time, i.e. while they work, go to church, relax at a ball game, or take a date to dinner. But in a long-term 24/7 relationship, the need to hide what they really hold inside—anger, fear, self-hate, or whatever—is too great a strain. They find it impossible to maintain their pretense of stability, and the true self comes rushing to the surface.

The outburst, whether all at once or in increments that lead to an alarming conclusion, usually comes as a huge surprise to the “victim.” The loving, charming person you fell in love with suddenly becomes someone you do not even know. Having invested a great deal of love and trust and commitment yourself, you assume that your loved one is ready to make the same sacrifices in order for the relationship to thrive. It is shocking and terribly confusing to discover that this is not true.

“Maybe I’m expecting too much,” you think. “She is just tired.” “He has a lot on his mind lately.” “He said he wouldn’t do it again.” “She begged for another chance.” And yet . . . and yet . . . if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it not make any sound? Does pretending nothing is happening mean that nothing is?

I know of no better way for you to help yourself or someone you know in such a situation than to talk with someone. Tell. That is hard, for you or your friend genuinely love the difficult person. It is not with the intent to punish or harm the other, but to gain clarity, to see with a less-narrow perspective. You have to tell. Very few victims can see clearly enough to help themselves. You must, though, choose your confidante with care; few family members or neighbors and not even all clergypersons are suited to counsel a person about domestic abuse.

Usually the best place to begin is with a confidential call to your local crisis center. The dedicated volunteers there, many of whom have experienced what you are experiencing, will know what to do. They have heard everything and will be kind to you, and they have access to the trained professionals you may need. (But if you are in an immediate situation of physical abuse, call the police.)

Hidden things have great power over us. This is not to say that everything is to be shared indiscriminately—even though that might feel good! The only way to deal with the sheer unbelievability of the situation is to come to terms with what is, in fact, reality. Telling does not make things worse; it helps make them real so that you can rationally determine the course of action to be taken. Don’t be silent, for if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does that mean it didn’t make a sound?

A related article: "Bruises" (here)
Marjorie