I Was What I Was

Memory is a powerful thing, greatly enhancing our present life by the rich experiences of our past, or complicating it by the difficulties that were part of our personal history. The trouble is, we tend to remember the wrong things. Studies show that the strong negative emotions surrounding an event are often clearer when recalled than the positive or neutral feelings that were part of the same event. This means that sometimes we must make a conscious effort to think on the things that are "true, honorable, right, and admirable." (Philippians 4:8)

Nearly everyone has things that bring some discomfort when we bring them to mind. The Apostle Paul asks the Roman church what they got out of the things of which they are now ashamed. The answer? Nothing. A dead end. (Romans 6:21) While I didn't have a particularly wild, sinful past that shames me, I certainly do have some things that are embarrassing to remember: a grave financial mistake, an unfortunate career decision, some entangling friendships. I feel humiliated if I begin to dwell on those blunders.

One of the problems facing the children of Israel as their story is related in the Old Testament was their inability or unwillingness to remember what God had done throughout their early history. "How quickly they forgot what he had done! They wouldn’t wait for his counsel! They forgot God, their savior, who had done such great things in Egypt—such wonderful things in the land of Ham, such awesome deeds at the Red Sea. The people refused to enter the pleasant land, for they wouldn’t believe his promise to care for them. Instead, they grumbled in their tents and refused to obey the Lord. (Psalm 106:13, 22-25 NLT)

We are not much different. We often self-centeredly focus on what we did and fail to remember God's great and wonderful things and awesome deeds. I am learning to look at my past with more grace for myself (as God in fact does!) Instead of lamenting the detours and long-way-around-mistakes I made, I am grateful for where He has brought me now. Of the past, I have to say, "I was what I was." This may sound lame; after all, it's pretty close to "It is what it is," which a recent poll shows as third place in the list of most annoying phrases. But it's true! I was who I was at that time with the understanding that I had then. Now I am becoming someone different. Life doesn't provide automatic "do-overs," but God will enable us to put aside the troubling past. We face it and deal with it, or we replace the unhappy memories with positive ones, or we choose to forget the things that no longer have real significance.

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Philippines 3:12-16 MSG)

Marjorie

Along this same line, read "I Didn't Know" and "What If I Make a Mistake?" on my Finding the Faith Way blog.

About the poll: It was conducted this month by the Marist Institute for Public Opinion, a highly-respected survey research center at Marist College in New York. Over the past thirty years, it has regularly measured public opinion at the local, state, and national level on politics, money, family, spirituality, mind and body, sports, entertainment, and much more. It is often cited by journalists and analysts around the globe.

Scripture quotation marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Genny's Story - 10: Healing

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny is telling us about the process of healing after her abusive marriage to Jim.
Marjorie: How about other people, friends and family members? Were they supportive?

Genny: Hardly anybody knew, but the few that did were God's gift to me! I don't think I could have made it without their love and wisdom and their acceptance of my crazy thinking!

M: The Bible tells us that God heals the brokenhearted. Did you pray for healing?

G: All the time! But healing doesn't always come with someone's emphatic prayer or a little dab of oil on your forehead. For me, the single most significant turning point was one morning when a visiting minister to our church spoke on the marriage relationship, how it is for companionship and care and protection of one another. A great sorrow swept over me and I thought, "Oh, just look at what I've missed, what I'm never going to have!" And God spoke in my heart, as clearly as if He had said it out loud, "You have been so hurt and disappointed that you have forgotten how strong and sufficient I was all those years you were single." That changed my outlook completely, because from that day until now I have tried to turn my attention to new ways of remembering. I turn the pain into something positive. And I want to add that this is a very real thing to me, not just another slick way of learning to cope.

M: Tell us how you do this.

G: Well, for example when I recall, "We were sitting in this very restaurant when Jim got angry and stomped out." Then I say, "But oh, Lord, thank You that You are so patient. You have never threatened to leave me."

"Here were all these lies, a whole web of deceit in Jim's life. But God, You are the Faithful One! You are always reliable, perfect in your trustworthiness. I thank You!

"So much scorn was heaped on me. But You, Lord, have always treated me with respect. You have led me through difficult circumstances sometimes, but You have never tried to humiliate me. Thank You!"

And so on through every painful memory. "Lord, You are the perfect Giver. Thank You for giving to me everything pertaining to life and godliness, not for what You might get in return, but out of Your love for me!"

"God, You are not after the control that bars my humanity. You are in control because You are God, but You don't rule Your obedient child with a harsh rod. Thank You!

"Your love is pure, untainted by unrighteous motives. You have nothing to prove about Yourself. And you have no need to make me prove something! Thank You, Lord!

"God, with You there is no shadow of turning. I never have to question your continued love and loyalty. Thank You!

"Lord, Your words are sweeter than honey! Even when You correct me, I feel Your love lifting me to a better place. I thank You!

"God, I know You have a sense of humor, but it is so gentle. You don't seem to laugh at put-downs of people or make light of life's issues. Thank You!

"Lord, You did not choose comfort, but the way of the Cross. You did not choose ease but sacrifice. How I thank You!

"God, You know who You are, the great I AM. You know who I am. And You are letting me learn who we are! Thank You, thank You!"

I have to say that this has not only changed my response to memories, but it has also given me a better understanding and a closer relationship with God the Father. The Scripture even talks about Him being the husband of the forsaken, and that is a beautiful thought to hold onto if one has been hurt and disappointed.

M: So you're actually better and stronger than before? You thought God assured you that this marriage was for your joy and blessing—do you think it's possible that the deeper understanding and relationship with God that you now enjoy is what He was talking about?

G: Well, naturally I thought He meant that Jim and I would have this beautiful marriage and grow old together and all that. This was supposed to be the best part of our lives. I think that is what could have and should have happened, so this is terribly disappointing.. There is sorrow for myself, of course, but for God too, that He didn't get to see His plan worked out as He intended. God is God, but He does not always get what He wants because He lets us make choices.

M: But even though you're disappointed, you don't seem to have a lot of regret.

G: I don't. I believe I needed to marry Jim so that I would not spend the rest of my life regretting that I had missed the opportunity to make a home with this dearest of friends. And I needed to learn things about life and about myself that I didn't even know were missing. I don't think I would be where I am today without this experience, as awful as it was. And I am hoping that other women may be helped by what I have to share.

M: So then, all things really do work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose?

G: Yes, I know they do. I believe that with all my heart!

M: Genny, thank you for sharing! It has not been easy, has it?

G: No, but I have prayed often, "God, don't let what I have experienced be wasted." If our conversation gives to women some understanding and hope, then my prayer has been answered!

This is the end of Genny's shared story, but just the beginning of the new one she's living now!
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*A recap of the books Genny mentioned, and others she found helpful:
Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical    and Emotional Abuse, by Paul Hegstrom
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO to Take Control of Your Life,    by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Finding Your Way through Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Physical, Emotional,    and Spiritual Healing, by Connie Fourré
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic    Violence, Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock
Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction, by Christine A. Adams
Telling Yourself the Truth: Find Your Way Out of Depression, Anxiety, Fear,    Anger, and Other Common Problems by Applying the Principles of    Misbelief Therapy, William Backus and Marie Chapman
Trauma: The Pain That Stays, by Robert Hicks
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to    Respond, by Patricia Evans
Whose Face Is in the Mirror? The Story of One Woman's Journey from the    Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True Healing, by Dianne Schwartz
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by    Lundy Bancroft

*Related Websites:

http://www.focusministries1.org/
http://www.drirene.com/ (This is a huge website, but there is a section where Christian women share with each other.)

Honoring My Mother

Today, I honor my mother. (Tomorrow is Mother's Day, 2009, in the U.S.) She instilled in me a lot of important life principles. As a matter of fact, I have written about some of them. You can read these posts on my other blog, Finding the Faith Way; click here and type "things mama taught me" in the search box in the upper left part of the page.

Did my mother make any mistakes in my upbringing? Yes, of course. Have I made mistakes? Oh, indeed! Since babies don't come shrink-wrapped with full instructions and warranties, we are certain to make a few "bad calls."

I wonder if my mother had the same misgivings as I have, now that my child is an adult. Was I a good mother? Was I good enough? When I expressed these nagging doubts to my wise pastor, he told me, "A conscientious, God-fearing parent cannot make enough mistakes to ruin their child."

Mama was conscientious, without a doubt. And she was certainly God-fearing. I honor her for her determination and her steadfast faith. God has smoothed over any shortcomings she may have had as a parent, and has greatly enriched my life with her example. I am especially grateful for what she taught me to love.

She loved family. She prayed for her children, wept for them when she felt they'd erred, wrote letters when they were far from home. She relished the family gatherings where she would sit quietly, just listening, as we all recalled some of our escapades and exploits of the past. She encouraged our education, and was grateful for our achievements. She crocheted an afghan for each one of the children and baked special Christmas cookies with the grandkids.

She loved words. She read them printed on the pages of books and magazines. She read them aloud to the children and to her husband, because she enjoyed the sound of spoken words. She put words on paper, pounding out on an old manual typewriter "grandpa's story," an oral history she captured from our revered ancestor. In her eighties, she developed her own program of reading, delving into history and historical novels, science, biography, other subjects—and always the Bible.

She loved music. She wound up the old Victrola at the top of the stairs in our farm home and tidied the rooms while the music ran down, "Brighten the corner—where—yo-ou—a-a-a-re." She played hymns on the old upright piano in the living room, setting for herself the goal of learning all the hymns, even the ones we never sang. She established the Easter season tradition of hearing Handel's Messiah performed by the famed Bethany Oratorio Society (Lindsborg, KS), a tradition some of us continue still.

She loved God. More than anything else, this has impacted my life. She was faithful in worship, public and private. She trusted God in crisis and in small, practical matters. She expressed gratitude for the daily blessings which she acknowledged were gifts from Him.

Thanks, Mom!

Marjorie