Restorative Justice

Here is what churches may do for those who have suffered childhood sexual abuse.

* Acknowledge that child abuse is an issue.
If the Church is doing its job, there are going to be sinners in the crowd, some openly acknowledging their condition, others wearing a cloak of respectable church-ianity. The community of God's people is not exempt from sexual misconduct. If it were, we would not have many verses of Biblical injunction recorded in Leviticus and Deuteronomy and in Paul's epistles.

I have been attending church all my life, quite a long while now, and I cannot remember ever having heard a caution mentioned regarding child abuse in the home.. Of course, for half of my lifetime, sexual matters were hardly discussed anywhere—not even between husband and wife, not even in the doctor's office, and just barely with your children. But with the "sexual revolution" of the 60's, that changed. So let's say, it's been forty years of church-going for me. I estimate I've attended six thousand regular church services and countless other church-related activities. I've heard, "Protect our children from an evil-intentioned stranger"—yes, but never, "Mothers, teach your children respect for their bodies. Be alert. Listen to your kids. Believe them." I've never heard, "Dads, you have a holy responsibility to live a love that reflects that of the Heavenly Father. Teach your kids what is right to expect from the men in their lives."

* Provide protection.
Churches have a double responsibility to protect children in the faith community: a legal liability, depending on the state law, and a spiritual accountability to the Master who said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them!" (Luke 18:16) It is not enough to warn children—and their parents and caregivers—about "stranger danger." Some churches have elaborate systems to prevent children being taken away from nurseries, classrooms, or day-care centers by unauthorized persons. Many churches have taken steps to see that the children's workers are carefully screened, and they use every precaution to avoid even an appearance of impropriety. Yet in these same churches, it is often true that no one would dare question the parents of children who manifest definite signs of abuse.

Laws vary from state to state about reporting child abuse, but most say something like this: "Any medical practitioner; school or day-care professional; law enforcement officer; registered or licensed nurse, social worker, psychologist or employee of social services who has reasonable cause to believe that a child (or developmentally disabled person) has suffered abuse or neglect, must report such incident or cause a report to be made to the appropriate public protection agency"—this within a certain time frame, such as forty-eight hours. While some states' laws may exempt the clergy, or be unclear about required reporting, it is in the best interest of children for the Church to take some responsibility for their welfare and to report abuse appropriately. Churches often require their staff, paid and volunteer, to report suspected abuse first to a designated pastor or church officer, and strict confidentiality measures are in place.

I understand the Church's desire to protect parents as much as is legally possible from undue interference by outside authority. So some churches take steps to interview the parents, with or without the person who has concluded there is "reasonable cause" to suspect abuse. Others are not in the investigative business at all and will leave the matter entirely up to the public system. Either way, there is a price to pay: the suspected or guilty offender is likely just to withdraw from that faith community or, if he decides to stay, there will be time and effort involved in keeping a supportive relationship with him and the family (This does not exclude the need for professional counseling for any or all of the family members; indeed, it is probably essential.) Being "under Church discipline" is difficult for everyone involved.

If you are in a place of church leadership, although this may not be a personal issue for you, become informed and be alert. The Church has been asleep on this issue. It is time to take a stand, and that must be before it happens. "This is not right. This is a crime. This will not be tolerated."

* Seek to restore the wounded.
It is an injustice to both victim and offender for us to agree tacitly, "Well, probably nothing happened. Or if it did, it's over now." It's not over now. Neither of the individuals will be healed without restorative justice done—some recompense to the victim and some cost to the perpetrator. Even if the legal system has exacted a penalty from the offender, it is the work of the Church to offer healing and redemption.

One woman who had been wronged said, "I don't want him to go to hell. I just want him to be sorry. Is it wrong for me to want him to be sorry?" Of course, it is not wrong. The God who made us in His image is a just God. We want justice. We do not have to wish evil on an offender (although it is really difficult not to); the very least we can ask is for him to be sorry. I don't wish for the Church to become cruel or harsh, but perhaps confession needs to be made to responsible church personnel who can outline a program of restoration somewhat similar to that for clergy who fail morally. It's not likely that anyone who submits to this discipline of repentance, professional intervention, and accountability will repeat the behavior that brought them down. Nevertheless, strong safeguards must be put in place to protect him and his victim(s), so that it cannot be repeated.

* And if the offender does not accept blame, what then?
This is the "Nothing Happened" scenario I discussed in my previous entry. In addition to outright denial, there are the situations where the offender is long gone to parts unknown or even has died before the victim can bring herself to speak of her experience. And I know of some instances where the girl/young woman, now fully mature, has decided not to confront her abuser. Then what?

Not every church has a well-trained counseling staff. Those who do should periodically make known their ability to deal with the issues faced by adult women who endured childhood sexual abuse. Those who do not have such counselors must let women know that church personnel are ready to refer them to qualified counselors whom they themselves would trust. A woman with deep, unresolved issues needs someone to understand her pain—even if the offender will not/cannot admit to causing it. I'm not sure how God deals with such, but I do know what Jesus said. “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble [speaking specifically of a child that was present], it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." (Mark 9:42) If there is no legal or ecclesiastical recourse, then it's completely up to God. The ultimate judgment of the offender's guilt and repentance can be safely left in God's hands.

If anger and bitterness, fear and shame are allowed to grow in a woman's heart, they will destroy her. Forgiveness of others and acceptance of herself, however long it takes for that to grow, is her hope for health and emotional well-being. To illustrate this: When a person has been stung by a honeybee, the stinger remains embedded in the skin, pulsing its venom. The longer the stinger is allowed to remain, the greater the amount of poison is pumped in. In childhood sexual abuse, a life has had poison inflicted upon it, and the stinger may still be there, forcing in a stream of venom. The message of Christ and His Church can offer the hope of restoration. "O death [and death-making experiences of life], where is your sting?" Death, where is your stinger? Shame, where is your stinger? Anger, where is your stinger? "Thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:55, 57)

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

"Nothing Happened"

Many months ago I made a promise to myself that when I began writing specifically for women readers that I would not back away from the tough issues. Some of the traumatic things that girls and women suffer are outside my personal experience; nevertheless, I feel very strongly about such issues. I have talked with women many times whose lives have been altered permanently by what they have had to experience. The subject of this post is childhood sexual abuse, and may be distressing to some readers. However, this is such a serious and prevalent issue that I must address it here.

Sexual abuse of children may be society's worst crime. It is so contemptible that the very people that society locks away for some other crime will not tolerate the perpetrator in the prison environment. A person need not be a confirmed pedophile, but "merely" a person who was caught taking indecent liberties with a child. He (usually the offender is male) may be raped, maimed, or even murdered in order to be "held accountable" by those who are disgusted and enraged by the behavior, even though the self-appointed punishers have committed other atrocious crimes themselves.

I have listened to the personal stories of women who told of their own abuse or the abuse of their daughters by someone the child trusted. Why is it that such a devastating thing is often hidden by the child, or if told to someone, is ignored or dismissed? Because something in us tells us to be ashamed. As shameful as the occurrence of abuse is, the shame is compounded by the concealing of it by those who know better—not the child, but the perpetrator and anyone else implicated in any way. The very adults that should be most concerned about what the child has suffered commonly deny it. Sadly, it is often the mother—a child's first line of defense—who defends her husband, boy friend, father, or other male. "Nothing happened," she says, and the victim therefore is made to feel this trouble is somehow her fault. (Not always, but most often, "her.") It is not her fault. It is not.

Nothing that a child (anyone under 18, the law says) could do or say warrants an adult taking advantage of her, even if her appearance or behavior exhibits early sexualization. It is simply not right. It is not fair, it is not moral, and it is not legal. And yet, we are slow to confront sexual abuse. Even the Church is guilty of tiptoeing around this "elephant in the living room." [A huge issue that everyone knows about but no one has the courage to discuss] Some of the worst offenders have come from environments that protect everyone in the name of compassion. Compassion for whom? Not for innocent children, but for powerful males—in the Church itself and in the home. Although it's appropriate to teach our children about "stranger danger," they are less likely to be mistreated by someone who wanders around on the streets than by someone they know and trust. We are misplacing some of our caution.

What can possibly be the rationale for molesting one's own daughter (granddaughter, sister, or niece)? It's the ownership thing. "This isn't really all that bad," is often what he is thinking. "She is mine, anyway." The spectacular news accounts of kidnapping are spectacular for the very reason that they are relatively infrequent. The man who would never go out and terrorize and sexually abuse a child/young girl that he does not know, may excuse the very same behavior in the safe confines of his home or church community, and repeat it over and over again.

I have known a few women who, decades later, confronted their known abuser or the confidante who had failed to believe them. I am not speaking of so-called "recovered memories," a term which became popular more than a decade ago but has since come into some question. These women are not just now remembering; they have never forgotten. Their memories are as clear as when the events occurred. Sadly, the response in more than one case was, "It isn't true. Nothing happened."

To be sure, a child's memory is not always accurate, but something happened. These women have carried with them, into and even throughout their adulthood, such consequences as fear, anger, self-hatred, sexual dysfunction and depression. They were not casting about to discover some cause for their personal problems and "Aha!" landed upon sexual abuse. They clearly remember, and some even have further supporting evidence.

But the abuser insists, "Nothing happened." One cannot just agree, "Okay then, nothing happened." The life-damaging experiences cannot be denied, but must be faced. We cannot change the past; not even God can go back and make things that happened not to have happened. But He can move us toward healing.

-- Books are written for women with just this kind of wounded heart; you can find
them at a bookstore or your local library. (Don't be embarrassed to ask. We have
been far too careful for far too long.) Realizing that one is not alone is often
in itself a great relief.

-- There are people who will listen and help. Some counselors are experienced in dealing with the issue of childhood sexual abuse and can offer beneficial perspective. Other women may find their way in a support group, or even by just finally telling one other person. Telling someone means that the frightful thing that has been living a life of its own in the dark has to come out into the light. There it can be recognized for what it is: an especially cruel crime against a child and a terrible offense to God. Sometimes the abuser himself must be confronted; more about that later.

-- Most of all, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalme 34:28) One brave woman shared with our church women's group, "I forgave him," and she told about her long, painful struggle to come to that place. He did not want her pardon—"Nothing happened," he said—but she explained to us, "Forgiveness is not about his peace, but mine."

-- Don't be discouraged when, perhaps even after a long time, memories still surface. As is true with a physical trauma, some deep emotional wounds may never disappear completely. But we can find release from the shame. It is not ours to bear, but the offender's. We did nothing wrong. The remaining scars only show us where the wounds have been healing.

Next post (in a day or two): Some thoughts about the Church's responsibility, "Restorative Justice."

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton