"Nothing Happened"

Many months ago I made a promise to myself that when I began writing specifically for women readers that I would not back away from the tough issues. Some of the traumatic things that girls and women suffer are outside my personal experience; nevertheless, I feel very strongly about such issues. I have talked with women many times whose lives have been altered permanently by what they have had to experience. The subject of this post is childhood sexual abuse, and may be distressing to some readers. However, this is such a serious and prevalent issue that I must address it here.

Sexual abuse of children may be society's worst crime. It is so contemptible that the very people that society locks away for some other crime will not tolerate the perpetrator in the prison environment. A person need not be a confirmed pedophile, but "merely" a person who was caught taking indecent liberties with a child. He (usually the offender is male) may be raped, maimed, or even murdered in order to be "held accountable" by those who are disgusted and enraged by the behavior, even though the self-appointed punishers have committed other atrocious crimes themselves.

I have listened to the personal stories of women who told of their own abuse or the abuse of their daughters by someone the child trusted. Why is it that such a devastating thing is often hidden by the child, or if told to someone, is ignored or dismissed? Because something in us tells us to be ashamed. As shameful as the occurrence of abuse is, the shame is compounded by the concealing of it by those who know better—not the child, but the perpetrator and anyone else implicated in any way. The very adults that should be most concerned about what the child has suffered commonly deny it. Sadly, it is often the mother—a child's first line of defense—who defends her husband, boy friend, father, or other male. "Nothing happened," she says, and the victim therefore is made to feel this trouble is somehow her fault. (Not always, but most often, "her.") It is not her fault. It is not.

Nothing that a child (anyone under 18, the law says) could do or say warrants an adult taking advantage of her, even if her appearance or behavior exhibits early sexualization. It is simply not right. It is not fair, it is not moral, and it is not legal. And yet, we are slow to confront sexual abuse. Even the Church is guilty of tiptoeing around this "elephant in the living room." [A huge issue that everyone knows about but no one has the courage to discuss] Some of the worst offenders have come from environments that protect everyone in the name of compassion. Compassion for whom? Not for innocent children, but for powerful males—in the Church itself and in the home. Although it's appropriate to teach our children about "stranger danger," they are less likely to be mistreated by someone who wanders around on the streets than by someone they know and trust. We are misplacing some of our caution.

What can possibly be the rationale for molesting one's own daughter (granddaughter, sister, or niece)? It's the ownership thing. "This isn't really all that bad," is often what he is thinking. "She is mine, anyway." The spectacular news accounts of kidnapping are spectacular for the very reason that they are relatively infrequent. The man who would never go out and terrorize and sexually abuse a child/young girl that he does not know, may excuse the very same behavior in the safe confines of his home or church community, and repeat it over and over again.

I have known a few women who, decades later, confronted their known abuser or the confidante who had failed to believe them. I am not speaking of so-called "recovered memories," a term which became popular more than a decade ago but has since come into some question. These women are not just now remembering; they have never forgotten. Their memories are as clear as when the events occurred. Sadly, the response in more than one case was, "It isn't true. Nothing happened."

To be sure, a child's memory is not always accurate, but something happened. These women have carried with them, into and even throughout their adulthood, such consequences as fear, anger, self-hatred, sexual dysfunction and depression. They were not casting about to discover some cause for their personal problems and "Aha!" landed upon sexual abuse. They clearly remember, and some even have further supporting evidence.

But the abuser insists, "Nothing happened." One cannot just agree, "Okay then, nothing happened." The life-damaging experiences cannot be denied, but must be faced. We cannot change the past; not even God can go back and make things that happened not to have happened. But He can move us toward healing.

-- Books are written for women with just this kind of wounded heart; you can find
them at a bookstore or your local library. (Don't be embarrassed to ask. We have
been far too careful for far too long.) Realizing that one is not alone is often
in itself a great relief.

-- There are people who will listen and help. Some counselors are experienced in dealing with the issue of childhood sexual abuse and can offer beneficial perspective. Other women may find their way in a support group, or even by just finally telling one other person. Telling someone means that the frightful thing that has been living a life of its own in the dark has to come out into the light. There it can be recognized for what it is: an especially cruel crime against a child and a terrible offense to God. Sometimes the abuser himself must be confronted; more about that later.

-- Most of all, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalme 34:28) One brave woman shared with our church women's group, "I forgave him," and she told about her long, painful struggle to come to that place. He did not want her pardon—"Nothing happened," he said—but she explained to us, "Forgiveness is not about his peace, but mine."

-- Don't be discouraged when, perhaps even after a long time, memories still surface. As is true with a physical trauma, some deep emotional wounds may never disappear completely. But we can find release from the shame. It is not ours to bear, but the offender's. We did nothing wrong. The remaining scars only show us where the wounds have been healing.

Next post (in a day or two): Some thoughts about the Church's responsibility, "Restorative Justice."

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton