When I began writing this blog, I promised myself that I would address not only the ordinary issues that Christian women face but also the tragedies that some are living. This post first appeared on November 20, 2008, as an entry on my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way." Because of its relevance to women in particular, I have moved it to this location.
"When a tree falls in a lonely forest, and no animal is near by (sic) to hear it, does it make a sound?" Readers of a 1910 physics book pondered the question, so this philosophical riddle has been around for a long time. (Wikiquote) Of course, the answer depends on our definition of sound. If we mean the frequency of vibrations caused by one thing striking another, yes, it makes a sound. If we mean these vibrations striking a hearing organ and messages being sent to a brain, no, it does not. So there is not one answer; it all depends on how you look at it.
I know women—it can be men too, but it is more often women—who silently suffer abuse in their homes. “No one is around to hear it.” Rarely do I see evidence of physical battering; that’s just too obvious. But they are victims of “stealth” abusers; you would have to live in their house to witness the abuse. Here are some examples:
A pattern of lying, insults, ignoring, manipulation, criticism, intentional irritation, devaluation, threats, humiliation, coercion, name-calling, intimidation.
More? A pattern of sadistic humor, sexual objectification, punishment, unreasonable expectations, a purposely-created atmosphere of fear and unpredictability.
And then there is control. A pattern of arbitrarily determining how much one can spend and on what, where one can go, how many miles you can drive, when you must return, whom you can see, what you should wear, how you are to sit, eat, talk, and stand, when you can sleep.
This is not an exclusive list, for there are many more creative ways to abuse than I have mentioned here. Because there are no bruises, many women (and men too) feel they really shouldn’t make a fuss about it, and anyway, if I don’t think too much about it, can it really be happening? “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
Now everybody gets up on the wrong side of bed once in awhile. Everyone has a tough day now and then and becomes irritable. That’s not what this is about. We are considering here a pattern of behavior with the characteristics outlined above. How does a person get into a situation like this? It is the rare person who would marry someone they knew would be abusive. A common way is this: the would-be abuser has learned by observation and practice to make his/her actions appear normal—perhaps even better than normal. They are attractive, charming, devout certainly, smart probably, guaranteed (by their own good word!) to be trustworthy. They can keep up this for some extended periods of time, i.e. while they work, go to church, relax at a ball game, or take a date to dinner. But in a long-term 24/7 relationship, the need to hide what they really hold inside—anger, fear, self-hate, or whatever—is too great a strain. They find it impossible to maintain their pretense of stability, and the true self comes rushing to the surface.
The outburst, whether all at once or in increments that lead to an alarming conclusion, usually comes as a huge surprise to the “victim.” The loving, charming person you fell in love with suddenly becomes someone you do not even know. Having invested a great deal of love and trust and commitment yourself, you assume that your loved one is ready to make the same sacrifices in order for the relationship to thrive. It is shocking and terribly confusing to discover that this is not true.
“Maybe I’m expecting too much,” you think. “She is just tired.” “He has a lot on his mind lately.” “He said he wouldn’t do it again.” “She begged for another chance.” And yet . . . and yet . . . if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it not make any sound? Does pretending nothing is happening mean that nothing is?
I know of no better way for you to help yourself or someone you know in such a situation than to talk with someone. Tell. That is hard, for you or your friend genuinely love the difficult person. It is not with the intent to punish or harm the other, but to gain clarity, to see with a less-narrow perspective. You have to tell. Very few victims can see clearly enough to help themselves. You must, though, choose your confidante with care; few family members or neighbors and not even all clergypersons are suited to counsel a person about domestic abuse.
Usually the best place to begin is with a confidential call to your local crisis center. The dedicated volunteers there, many of whom have experienced what you are experiencing, will know what to do. They have heard everything and will be kind to you, and they have access to the trained professionals you may need. (But if you are in an immediate situation of physical abuse, call the police.)
Hidden things have great power over us. This is not to say that everything is to be shared indiscriminately—even though that might feel good! The only way to deal with the sheer unbelievability of the situation is to come to terms with what is, in fact, reality. Telling does not make things worse; it helps make them real so that you can rationally determine the course of action to be taken. Don’t be silent, for if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does that mean it didn’t make a sound?
A related article: "Bruises" (here)
Marjorie
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Friday, September 11, 2009
Restorative Justice
Here is what churches may do for those who have suffered childhood sexual abuse.
* Acknowledge that child abuse is an issue.
If the Church is doing its job, there are going to be sinners in the crowd, some openly acknowledging their condition, others wearing a cloak of respectable church-ianity. The community of God's people is not exempt from sexual misconduct. If it were, we would not have many verses of Biblical injunction recorded in Leviticus and Deuteronomy and in Paul's epistles.
I have been attending church all my life, quite a long while now, and I cannot remember ever having heard a caution mentioned regarding child abuse in the home.. Of course, for half of my lifetime, sexual matters were hardly discussed anywhere—not even between husband and wife, not even in the doctor's office, and just barely with your children. But with the "sexual revolution" of the 60's, that changed. So let's say, it's been forty years of church-going for me. I estimate I've attended six thousand regular church services and countless other church-related activities. I've heard, "Protect our children from an evil-intentioned stranger"—yes, but never, "Mothers, teach your children respect for their bodies. Be alert. Listen to your kids. Believe them." I've never heard, "Dads, you have a holy responsibility to live a love that reflects that of the Heavenly Father. Teach your kids what is right to expect from the men in their lives."
* Provide protection.
Churches have a double responsibility to protect children in the faith community: a legal liability, depending on the state law, and a spiritual accountability to the Master who said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them!" (Luke 18:16) It is not enough to warn children—and their parents and caregivers—about "stranger danger." Some churches have elaborate systems to prevent children being taken away from nurseries, classrooms, or day-care centers by unauthorized persons. Many churches have taken steps to see that the children's workers are carefully screened, and they use every precaution to avoid even an appearance of impropriety. Yet in these same churches, it is often true that no one would dare question the parents of children who manifest definite signs of abuse.
Laws vary from state to state about reporting child abuse, but most say something like this: "Any medical practitioner; school or day-care professional; law enforcement officer; registered or licensed nurse, social worker, psychologist or employee of social services who has reasonable cause to believe that a child (or developmentally disabled person) has suffered abuse or neglect, must report such incident or cause a report to be made to the appropriate public protection agency"—this within a certain time frame, such as forty-eight hours. While some states' laws may exempt the clergy, or be unclear about required reporting, it is in the best interest of children for the Church to take some responsibility for their welfare and to report abuse appropriately. Churches often require their staff, paid and volunteer, to report suspected abuse first to a designated pastor or church officer, and strict confidentiality measures are in place.
I understand the Church's desire to protect parents as much as is legally possible from undue interference by outside authority. So some churches take steps to interview the parents, with or without the person who has concluded there is "reasonable cause" to suspect abuse. Others are not in the investigative business at all and will leave the matter entirely up to the public system. Either way, there is a price to pay: the suspected or guilty offender is likely just to withdraw from that faith community or, if he decides to stay, there will be time and effort involved in keeping a supportive relationship with him and the family (This does not exclude the need for professional counseling for any or all of the family members; indeed, it is probably essential.) Being "under Church discipline" is difficult for everyone involved.
If you are in a place of church leadership, although this may not be a personal issue for you, become informed and be alert. The Church has been asleep on this issue. It is time to take a stand, and that must be before it happens. "This is not right. This is a crime. This will not be tolerated."
* Seek to restore the wounded.
It is an injustice to both victim and offender for us to agree tacitly, "Well, probably nothing happened. Or if it did, it's over now." It's not over now. Neither of the individuals will be healed without restorative justice done—some recompense to the victim and some cost to the perpetrator. Even if the legal system has exacted a penalty from the offender, it is the work of the Church to offer healing and redemption.
One woman who had been wronged said, "I don't want him to go to hell. I just want him to be sorry. Is it wrong for me to want him to be sorry?" Of course, it is not wrong. The God who made us in His image is a just God. We want justice. We do not have to wish evil on an offender (although it is really difficult not to); the very least we can ask is for him to be sorry. I don't wish for the Church to become cruel or harsh, but perhaps confession needs to be made to responsible church personnel who can outline a program of restoration somewhat similar to that for clergy who fail morally. It's not likely that anyone who submits to this discipline of repentance, professional intervention, and accountability will repeat the behavior that brought them down. Nevertheless, strong safeguards must be put in place to protect him and his victim(s), so that it cannot be repeated.
* And if the offender does not accept blame, what then?
This is the "Nothing Happened" scenario I discussed in my previous entry. In addition to outright denial, there are the situations where the offender is long gone to parts unknown or even has died before the victim can bring herself to speak of her experience. And I know of some instances where the girl/young woman, now fully mature, has decided not to confront her abuser. Then what?
Not every church has a well-trained counseling staff. Those who do should periodically make known their ability to deal with the issues faced by adult women who endured childhood sexual abuse. Those who do not have such counselors must let women know that church personnel are ready to refer them to qualified counselors whom they themselves would trust. A woman with deep, unresolved issues needs someone to understand her pain—even if the offender will not/cannot admit to causing it. I'm not sure how God deals with such, but I do know what Jesus said. “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble [speaking specifically of a child that was present], it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." (Mark 9:42) If there is no legal or ecclesiastical recourse, then it's completely up to God. The ultimate judgment of the offender's guilt and repentance can be safely left in God's hands.
If anger and bitterness, fear and shame are allowed to grow in a woman's heart, they will destroy her. Forgiveness of others and acceptance of herself, however long it takes for that to grow, is her hope for health and emotional well-being. To illustrate this: When a person has been stung by a honeybee, the stinger remains embedded in the skin, pulsing its venom. The longer the stinger is allowed to remain, the greater the amount of poison is pumped in. In childhood sexual abuse, a life has had poison inflicted upon it, and the stinger may still be there, forcing in a stream of venom. The message of Christ and His Church can offer the hope of restoration. "O death [and death-making experiences of life], where is your sting?" Death, where is your stinger? Shame, where is your stinger? Anger, where is your stinger? "Thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:55, 57)
Marjorie
Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
* Acknowledge that child abuse is an issue.
If the Church is doing its job, there are going to be sinners in the crowd, some openly acknowledging their condition, others wearing a cloak of respectable church-ianity. The community of God's people is not exempt from sexual misconduct. If it were, we would not have many verses of Biblical injunction recorded in Leviticus and Deuteronomy and in Paul's epistles.
I have been attending church all my life, quite a long while now, and I cannot remember ever having heard a caution mentioned regarding child abuse in the home.. Of course, for half of my lifetime, sexual matters were hardly discussed anywhere—not even between husband and wife, not even in the doctor's office, and just barely with your children. But with the "sexual revolution" of the 60's, that changed. So let's say, it's been forty years of church-going for me. I estimate I've attended six thousand regular church services and countless other church-related activities. I've heard, "Protect our children from an evil-intentioned stranger"—yes, but never, "Mothers, teach your children respect for their bodies. Be alert. Listen to your kids. Believe them." I've never heard, "Dads, you have a holy responsibility to live a love that reflects that of the Heavenly Father. Teach your kids what is right to expect from the men in their lives."
* Provide protection.
Churches have a double responsibility to protect children in the faith community: a legal liability, depending on the state law, and a spiritual accountability to the Master who said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them!" (Luke 18:16) It is not enough to warn children—and their parents and caregivers—about "stranger danger." Some churches have elaborate systems to prevent children being taken away from nurseries, classrooms, or day-care centers by unauthorized persons. Many churches have taken steps to see that the children's workers are carefully screened, and they use every precaution to avoid even an appearance of impropriety. Yet in these same churches, it is often true that no one would dare question the parents of children who manifest definite signs of abuse.
Laws vary from state to state about reporting child abuse, but most say something like this: "Any medical practitioner; school or day-care professional; law enforcement officer; registered or licensed nurse, social worker, psychologist or employee of social services who has reasonable cause to believe that a child (or developmentally disabled person) has suffered abuse or neglect, must report such incident or cause a report to be made to the appropriate public protection agency"—this within a certain time frame, such as forty-eight hours. While some states' laws may exempt the clergy, or be unclear about required reporting, it is in the best interest of children for the Church to take some responsibility for their welfare and to report abuse appropriately. Churches often require their staff, paid and volunteer, to report suspected abuse first to a designated pastor or church officer, and strict confidentiality measures are in place.
I understand the Church's desire to protect parents as much as is legally possible from undue interference by outside authority. So some churches take steps to interview the parents, with or without the person who has concluded there is "reasonable cause" to suspect abuse. Others are not in the investigative business at all and will leave the matter entirely up to the public system. Either way, there is a price to pay: the suspected or guilty offender is likely just to withdraw from that faith community or, if he decides to stay, there will be time and effort involved in keeping a supportive relationship with him and the family (This does not exclude the need for professional counseling for any or all of the family members; indeed, it is probably essential.) Being "under Church discipline" is difficult for everyone involved.
If you are in a place of church leadership, although this may not be a personal issue for you, become informed and be alert. The Church has been asleep on this issue. It is time to take a stand, and that must be before it happens. "This is not right. This is a crime. This will not be tolerated."
* Seek to restore the wounded.
It is an injustice to both victim and offender for us to agree tacitly, "Well, probably nothing happened. Or if it did, it's over now." It's not over now. Neither of the individuals will be healed without restorative justice done—some recompense to the victim and some cost to the perpetrator. Even if the legal system has exacted a penalty from the offender, it is the work of the Church to offer healing and redemption.
One woman who had been wronged said, "I don't want him to go to hell. I just want him to be sorry. Is it wrong for me to want him to be sorry?" Of course, it is not wrong. The God who made us in His image is a just God. We want justice. We do not have to wish evil on an offender (although it is really difficult not to); the very least we can ask is for him to be sorry. I don't wish for the Church to become cruel or harsh, but perhaps confession needs to be made to responsible church personnel who can outline a program of restoration somewhat similar to that for clergy who fail morally. It's not likely that anyone who submits to this discipline of repentance, professional intervention, and accountability will repeat the behavior that brought them down. Nevertheless, strong safeguards must be put in place to protect him and his victim(s), so that it cannot be repeated.
* And if the offender does not accept blame, what then?
This is the "Nothing Happened" scenario I discussed in my previous entry. In addition to outright denial, there are the situations where the offender is long gone to parts unknown or even has died before the victim can bring herself to speak of her experience. And I know of some instances where the girl/young woman, now fully mature, has decided not to confront her abuser. Then what?
Not every church has a well-trained counseling staff. Those who do should periodically make known their ability to deal with the issues faced by adult women who endured childhood sexual abuse. Those who do not have such counselors must let women know that church personnel are ready to refer them to qualified counselors whom they themselves would trust. A woman with deep, unresolved issues needs someone to understand her pain—even if the offender will not/cannot admit to causing it. I'm not sure how God deals with such, but I do know what Jesus said. “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble [speaking specifically of a child that was present], it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." (Mark 9:42) If there is no legal or ecclesiastical recourse, then it's completely up to God. The ultimate judgment of the offender's guilt and repentance can be safely left in God's hands.
If anger and bitterness, fear and shame are allowed to grow in a woman's heart, they will destroy her. Forgiveness of others and acceptance of herself, however long it takes for that to grow, is her hope for health and emotional well-being. To illustrate this: When a person has been stung by a honeybee, the stinger remains embedded in the skin, pulsing its venom. The longer the stinger is allowed to remain, the greater the amount of poison is pumped in. In childhood sexual abuse, a life has had poison inflicted upon it, and the stinger may still be there, forcing in a stream of venom. The message of Christ and His Church can offer the hope of restoration. "O death [and death-making experiences of life], where is your sting?" Death, where is your stinger? Shame, where is your stinger? Anger, where is your stinger? "Thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:55, 57)
Marjorie
Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Genny's Story - 7: Someone to Help
To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.
Genny talks about getting help in recovery from her abusive home situation.
Marjorie: When you did finally realize that the kind of power play and control you were experiencing is actually abuse, you didn't tell anybody. Why not?
Genny: Who would believe it? And anyway, I was ashamed. I was a legal assistant, for heaven's sake! You'd think I would be smart enough to know . . .
M: It's not always a matter of being smart enough. But you've mentioned counseling. Was there someone that you and Jim saw?
G: Yes, twice, maybe three times. I decided we needed marriage counseling, but it turned out to be a lot more serious than just learning how to communicate with each other. Jim agreed to go because he knew we were in trouble; his heretofore mild-mannered little wife had declared that we were! After the first few sessions when the counselor began to get a feel for what was going on and began to probe a little, Jim got defensive—all right, really hostile—so much so that he pushed me away, and the counselor told me later that he was afraid for me after we left. Of course, then Jim refused to go back. He called me judgmental and treacherous for consulting a professional, but I knew in my heart that simply was not true. I continued in counseling, off and on, for about a year and a half, even after Jim and I were no longer together. The counselor suggested some books to read and journaling and group support too. Those were helpful to me.
I don't think people should be hesitant to get professional help. It's not weakness to have a doctor set a broken bone or prescribe medicine for your diabetes or to have a lawyer advise about a legal tangle. So we should get over being ashamed to have someone help us with other kinds of difficulty. I believe too that the kind of counselor a person has is so important. You have to have someone who is understanding but who will also help you face the truth.
M: How does one find such a counselor? Would you go to your pastor or other religious leader, or check the Yellow Pages, or what?
G: Oh no, don't check the Yellow Pages! I can't really tell anyone how to find the right person, but I think you might look for a counselor the same way you would look for a doctor. Ask someone. I understand from experience the shame and not wanting anyone to know, but you simply have to find someone who can help. You must tell. There are probably very few women under this kind of duress who can think through or even pray through their situation all alone. The local women's crisis center can help guide a woman toward professional assistance. Or there might even be someone she knows who has needed the kind of help she needs; ask them who they consulted. Ask them whether it was helpful; would they see that person again if necessary? That can be a start, or it may show who not to consult!
M: But how about one's spiritual advisor? Surely he or she can be trusted?
G: Umm, I want to be very cautious here. To tell you the truth, not very many pastors have training that is specific to abusive relationships. I think this training is quite necessary. And too, most pastors are not really able to invest the time that rehabilitation would take--because that's what it will be for the couple, rehab. It's not the same as pre-martial counseling or even counseling when a marriage is in trouble. The answer is not going to present itself in forty-five minutes of conversation and a brief prayer. And sadly, many pastors' understanding of the marriage relationship is much the same as the abuser's: The head of the home (the man) rules--period. The wife is expected to be quiet and submissive and obedient, and if there's a problem with that, she just needs to be more submissive and more obedient.
M: So lots of people, even some counselors, are going to see the abuse as the woman's fault, something she is doing or not doing?
G: I'm afraid that's so. Of course, I can't deny that there are women that are impossible to live with peaceably! But even that is no excuse for beating on them either physically or verbally. It's unlawful to attack people physically, and many psychologists will tell you that other, non-physical kinds of beatings do as much or more damage. It is not the victim's fault. We may blame ourselves, but it is not our fault. The only thing we have done wrong--wrong, as in being mistaken--is tolerating the abuse and then accepting the blame for it. The crux of the matter is that there is something basic in the abuser that needs changing. He or she has to give up the idea that they have the right to control everything--this other person, their environment, even God. The abuse was not about me; it was about Jim.
M: But did you ever feel guilty, like maybe it was partly your fault?
G: Not so much. That's why good counseling is so important. People who would have us believe that there are formulas to fix every marriage might tell me I should feel guilty. But professionals whose business this is, such as my counselor and the authors I read, say "No." Again, my only "fault" was accepting the abuse. My biggest mistake was believing that what Jim said was the truth. The counselor asked me, "Does Jim saying harsh, angry things make them so?" My response was, "If he says it loud enough and long enough, I start to believe it." So the counselor loaned me his book, Telling Yourself the Truth. I had to get past the excusing, which was what Jim did for himself. I had to face the fact that his behavior was not an aberration. He considered himself a victim—of his parents, of the schools and the Church, of Christian counselors, of his ex-wife, of the court system, of his employers, of life in general. And because he was a victim, he had the desire and perhaps even the "right" to hurt other people. From my reading, I know now that he was the classic abuser, and I was the classic spouse who could not understand why this was happening.
M: So then abuse is not about some failure on the part of the one who's on the receiving end?
G: Only in the sense that she—more often than not it's "she"—tolerates it. I learned that I had fed and perpetuated Jim's abuse. I read somewhere that we teach people how to treat us, so I was actually teaching Jim that he could treat me badly, and I would still be kind and gentle. And that I would still be around to cook his meals and do the laundry and pick up after him!
To be continued.
Genny talks about getting help in recovery from her abusive home situation.
Marjorie: When you did finally realize that the kind of power play and control you were experiencing is actually abuse, you didn't tell anybody. Why not?
Genny: Who would believe it? And anyway, I was ashamed. I was a legal assistant, for heaven's sake! You'd think I would be smart enough to know . . .
M: It's not always a matter of being smart enough. But you've mentioned counseling. Was there someone that you and Jim saw?
G: Yes, twice, maybe three times. I decided we needed marriage counseling, but it turned out to be a lot more serious than just learning how to communicate with each other. Jim agreed to go because he knew we were in trouble; his heretofore mild-mannered little wife had declared that we were! After the first few sessions when the counselor began to get a feel for what was going on and began to probe a little, Jim got defensive—all right, really hostile—so much so that he pushed me away, and the counselor told me later that he was afraid for me after we left. Of course, then Jim refused to go back. He called me judgmental and treacherous for consulting a professional, but I knew in my heart that simply was not true. I continued in counseling, off and on, for about a year and a half, even after Jim and I were no longer together. The counselor suggested some books to read and journaling and group support too. Those were helpful to me.
I don't think people should be hesitant to get professional help. It's not weakness to have a doctor set a broken bone or prescribe medicine for your diabetes or to have a lawyer advise about a legal tangle. So we should get over being ashamed to have someone help us with other kinds of difficulty. I believe too that the kind of counselor a person has is so important. You have to have someone who is understanding but who will also help you face the truth.
M: How does one find such a counselor? Would you go to your pastor or other religious leader, or check the Yellow Pages, or what?
G: Oh no, don't check the Yellow Pages! I can't really tell anyone how to find the right person, but I think you might look for a counselor the same way you would look for a doctor. Ask someone. I understand from experience the shame and not wanting anyone to know, but you simply have to find someone who can help. You must tell. There are probably very few women under this kind of duress who can think through or even pray through their situation all alone. The local women's crisis center can help guide a woman toward professional assistance. Or there might even be someone she knows who has needed the kind of help she needs; ask them who they consulted. Ask them whether it was helpful; would they see that person again if necessary? That can be a start, or it may show who not to consult!
M: But how about one's spiritual advisor? Surely he or she can be trusted?
G: Umm, I want to be very cautious here. To tell you the truth, not very many pastors have training that is specific to abusive relationships. I think this training is quite necessary. And too, most pastors are not really able to invest the time that rehabilitation would take--because that's what it will be for the couple, rehab. It's not the same as pre-martial counseling or even counseling when a marriage is in trouble. The answer is not going to present itself in forty-five minutes of conversation and a brief prayer. And sadly, many pastors' understanding of the marriage relationship is much the same as the abuser's: The head of the home (the man) rules--period. The wife is expected to be quiet and submissive and obedient, and if there's a problem with that, she just needs to be more submissive and more obedient.
M: So lots of people, even some counselors, are going to see the abuse as the woman's fault, something she is doing or not doing?
G: I'm afraid that's so. Of course, I can't deny that there are women that are impossible to live with peaceably! But even that is no excuse for beating on them either physically or verbally. It's unlawful to attack people physically, and many psychologists will tell you that other, non-physical kinds of beatings do as much or more damage. It is not the victim's fault. We may blame ourselves, but it is not our fault. The only thing we have done wrong--wrong, as in being mistaken--is tolerating the abuse and then accepting the blame for it. The crux of the matter is that there is something basic in the abuser that needs changing. He or she has to give up the idea that they have the right to control everything--this other person, their environment, even God. The abuse was not about me; it was about Jim.
M: But did you ever feel guilty, like maybe it was partly your fault?
G: Not so much. That's why good counseling is so important. People who would have us believe that there are formulas to fix every marriage might tell me I should feel guilty. But professionals whose business this is, such as my counselor and the authors I read, say "No." Again, my only "fault" was accepting the abuse. My biggest mistake was believing that what Jim said was the truth. The counselor asked me, "Does Jim saying harsh, angry things make them so?" My response was, "If he says it loud enough and long enough, I start to believe it." So the counselor loaned me his book, Telling Yourself the Truth. I had to get past the excusing, which was what Jim did for himself. I had to face the fact that his behavior was not an aberration. He considered himself a victim—of his parents, of the schools and the Church, of Christian counselors, of his ex-wife, of the court system, of his employers, of life in general. And because he was a victim, he had the desire and perhaps even the "right" to hurt other people. From my reading, I know now that he was the classic abuser, and I was the classic spouse who could not understand why this was happening.
M: So then abuse is not about some failure on the part of the one who's on the receiving end?
G: Only in the sense that she—more often than not it's "she"—tolerates it. I learned that I had fed and perpetuated Jim's abuse. I read somewhere that we teach people how to treat us, so I was actually teaching Jim that he could treat me badly, and I would still be kind and gentle. And that I would still be around to cook his meals and do the laundry and pick up after him!
To be continued.
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