"Dearest . . ."
In the middle of the night recently, I awakened to that clear word in my mind. I am not a mystic, given to dreams and visions, but it did occur to me that maybe that thought was from God. It seemed like something He would do—a whispered word to assure me of His comforting presence.
I began to think about that word, and how we use it. We evaluate persons or things and declare that this one or that is more precious than others. To us, "dearest" is all about making comparisons. But God's love is unlike ours, which can change and fail. To Him, "dearest" does not mean "I love you more than I love others" but rather, "I could not possibly love you more!" Jesus said to His followers, "People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things [daily needs], but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. (Luke 12:29)
Sometimes circumstances in our lives have a way of making us feel unlovely and unloved. Past experiences, even in childhood, may have caused these uncertainties. Relationships that meant rejection—either real or imagined—create or support the belief that we are unworthy of being "dearest" to anyone. Unfortunately, sometimes even religious instruction carries the message that we are worthless. Undeserving of grace, yes, but not worthless. Just because Job, and David too, in his extreme circumstances felt like a worm, that does not mean that I am, in fact, a worm and that God considers His human creation as such!
We are His precious possession, His dearest!
Marjorie
Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Making People Happy
For a lot of years, I assumed I had the responsibility for making the people around me happy. Now I still think I'm obliged to seek their good, but I no longer believe that other folks' happiness rests on my shoulders.
Happiness is a very personal thing, and it comes from within more than from the outside. Some people are just always going to be unhappy, and nothing that you or I do is going to change that. They are expecting their circumstances and the people around them to furnish them with the good feelings they like to have. There are, of course, many external things that are pleasant and enjoyable, but those who are truly happy have discovered a better and more lasting source. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," and long before Lincoln's time, Aristotle (384-322 BC) declared "Happiness depends upon ourselves."
It is easy for women, especially those who are naturally inclined toward compassion and nurturing, to fall into a "care-taking" role for everybody. There will always be needy people around them who seem to have a special instinct for homing in on someone who will think for them, decide for them, and fill their emotional needs. The line of action for these dependent friends is making us feel that no one else can do for them what we can, that we are their greatest source of kindness, that we are the only person they know who's acting like a Christian, that they have no one else on whom they can count.
We may respond easily to this approach, because we do want to be kind, loving, and generous. We do want to be thoroughly Christian in our attitudes and actions. It makes us feel good if this needy one singles us out as this kind of champion. However, our motives have then become clouded with self-interest, and we cannot see as clearly as we might. Do you suppose there is some reason they have no other friends? In all likelihood, they have worn them out. If we allow it and unknowingly encourage it, they will do the very same to us.
How can we refuse when a friend, relative or even our own adult child asks pathetically, "But why won't you do this for me? . . . stay here with me? . . . drive me there? . . . let me borrow? . . . "We can say "You know, I just can't give you any more help with that than I have already given you. Why don't you call a . . . lawyer, counselor, banker, service-provider?" Even with youngsters who whine, "But why not?" we are not accountable for providing endless entertainment, infinite amounts of money, and privileges that are continually unaccompanied by any personal responsibility on their part. We may say, "I believe it wouldn't be good for you if I did that for you. Maybe you can try . . . "
Although we may think we will just go ahead and make the personal sacrifices regardless, what is likely to happen is that we will become weary of being used. We will begin to resent the demands and then feeling guilty about that, we mercilessly punish ourselves for our lack of charity. We may be angry at the person for the problem they have become to us, or we may be angry at ourselves for allowing them to continue. What we should have handled in firm but loving action has been turned in on ourselves. Read "Acting In" (here)
Re-think your relationships if everyone has chosen you, and your friends are not ones you have chosen—or would choose, if you had it to do over. Although we want to encourage rich and rewarding relationships, no one's happiness depends on you.
Marjorie
Happiness is a very personal thing, and it comes from within more than from the outside. Some people are just always going to be unhappy, and nothing that you or I do is going to change that. They are expecting their circumstances and the people around them to furnish them with the good feelings they like to have. There are, of course, many external things that are pleasant and enjoyable, but those who are truly happy have discovered a better and more lasting source. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," and long before Lincoln's time, Aristotle (384-322 BC) declared "Happiness depends upon ourselves."
It is easy for women, especially those who are naturally inclined toward compassion and nurturing, to fall into a "care-taking" role for everybody. There will always be needy people around them who seem to have a special instinct for homing in on someone who will think for them, decide for them, and fill their emotional needs. The line of action for these dependent friends is making us feel that no one else can do for them what we can, that we are their greatest source of kindness, that we are the only person they know who's acting like a Christian, that they have no one else on whom they can count.
We may respond easily to this approach, because we do want to be kind, loving, and generous. We do want to be thoroughly Christian in our attitudes and actions. It makes us feel good if this needy one singles us out as this kind of champion. However, our motives have then become clouded with self-interest, and we cannot see as clearly as we might. Do you suppose there is some reason they have no other friends? In all likelihood, they have worn them out. If we allow it and unknowingly encourage it, they will do the very same to us.
How can we refuse when a friend, relative or even our own adult child asks pathetically, "But why won't you do this for me? . . . stay here with me? . . . drive me there? . . . let me borrow? . . . "We can say "You know, I just can't give you any more help with that than I have already given you. Why don't you call a . . . lawyer, counselor, banker, service-provider?" Even with youngsters who whine, "But why not?" we are not accountable for providing endless entertainment, infinite amounts of money, and privileges that are continually unaccompanied by any personal responsibility on their part. We may say, "I believe it wouldn't be good for you if I did that for you. Maybe you can try . . . "
Although we may think we will just go ahead and make the personal sacrifices regardless, what is likely to happen is that we will become weary of being used. We will begin to resent the demands and then feeling guilty about that, we mercilessly punish ourselves for our lack of charity. We may be angry at the person for the problem they have become to us, or we may be angry at ourselves for allowing them to continue. What we should have handled in firm but loving action has been turned in on ourselves. Read "Acting In" (here)
Re-think your relationships if everyone has chosen you, and your friends are not ones you have chosen—or would choose, if you had it to do over. Although we want to encourage rich and rewarding relationships, no one's happiness depends on you.
Marjorie
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Boundaries
Something I wish I had known 50 years ago:
· That relationships need boundaries.
· That boundaries are necessary for good relationships.
· That unless there are boundaries, relationships will suffer.
· That for relationships to be happy, there must be clear boundaries.
· etc. etc. etc!
Is it clear yet, that I favor relationship boundaries?
Although there is a proliferation of books, videos, and TV programs that might have offered guidance for my messiest relationships, some of those really can't be taken seriously, and so I tended to discount them all. What I really needed was someone to give me Scriptural principles for establishing boundaries in my relationships.
I needed to know that I was genuinely loved. God's purpose in human relationships was to provide for some of our core needs such as security, acceptance and significance. He formed a beautiful creation which included one human, but "then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.' " (Genesis 2:18) If a friendship is deep and intimate, both persons should share in that. If it is only casual, both should honor the limits. Sometimes our ideas clash about what love would look like in a particular situation; a disconnect can easily lead to doing or saying the wrong thing. "Spell it out" as necessary.
I needed to know that I could insist on honesty. "So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. " (Ephesians 4:25) "Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous? Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies!" (Psalm 34:12, 13) Many relationships are based on pretense—face it, most romantic friendships start out like that! However, a deep and long-lasting comradeship must be an honest one. Hidden agendas do not make for a healthy relationship.
I needed to know that threats to my physical safety or sense of security were unacceptable. "Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city." (Proverbs 16:32) "I didn't mean what I said," cannot completely remove the sting of those words. The angry person is the only one who thinks he/she didn't mean what they said. "You'll just have to accept me as I am," is not good enough for me (or God).
I needed to know, Can I count on you? "A friend is always loyal, and a brother [sister, too!] is born to help in time of need." (Proverbs 17:17) "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (I Corinthians 13:7) Does this mean I expect my friends to agree with me, right or wrong? Certainly not—as Senator Carl Schurz said in the Senate on February 29, 1872, "My country, right or wrong; if right, to be kept right; and if wrong, to be set right." A loyal friend will stick with me until we arrive at what is good and right.
God uses human relationships to teach us about our relationship with Him. We are part of the family of God; He is our Father, Jesus our Elder Brother, and there are many other brothers and sisters in Christian fellowship. Christ and His Church are portrayed as a marriage relationship. We are servants of Christ, but also His friends. In all of these, we can know with certainty that we are unfailingly loved; that we can depend on knowing how we stand with God; that He seeks our good and not some manipulative, hidden plan; and that we can, without fear, count on Him.
The "boundaries" in our relationship with God are very simple. "The Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8) Boundaries in human relationships are not all that different.
Marjorie
Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Source of the Schurz quote: http://www.bartleby.com/73/1641.html
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Having Authority
This post was first published on my blog, "Finding the Faith Way," on August 16, 2008. It is repeated here as an entry that may hold special interest for women readers.
Authority, the dictionary tells me, means several things: for one, the power to enforce obedience. In practical affairs, we often think of it as the right to tell others what to do. Wouldn’t you think that if anyone has that right, it would be those who know the law best? One would suppose that interpreters of the law would have, above all others, the understanding of what is expected of those under them. In Jesus’ day, that would be the scribes and/or the Pharisees. And yet, when Jesus taught, people were amazed, not only at what He said, but how He said it: with real authority. Twice the Gospel writers tell us what happened. “When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.” (Matthew 7:28, 29 NIV) This was Jesus’ teaching called “the sermon on the mount.” In the synagogue at Capernaum, “The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law.” (Mark 1:22 NIV)
Those who listened were used to authority, even religious authority. But Jesus spoke with real authority, some versions emphasize, not like the other teachers. What made everyone so amazed at Jesus’ teaching? What’s the difference between real authority and not-real? Jesus did not enforce obedience; he invited obedience by His love and wisdom and hope.
Authority is a bad word to many people, a bad nine-letter word. They have no particular problem with submitting to governmental authority; they pay taxes, they obey traffic laws, they don’t participate in illegal activities. They deal successfully with authority in school or the workplace too. But when confronted with the idea of authority in the home or in the Church, they become confused, afraid, or stubborn. Why is this?
Authority in the places where the heart is drawn in—the home and the Church—where one’s most intimate self is exposed, can be a frightening concept. This is because many misunderstand what authority in these circumstances means. And who is it that most misunderstands? The authority figures themselves. It is perfectly clear to the person—most often a woman or a child in the home but anyone in the Church—who has been wounded by experiences of misuse or abuse what “authority” means. It means to be wary of those who can hurt them again. If the person(s) in authority cannot be trusted to act in one’s best interests, then it makes absolute sense to be watchful, perhaps even fearful of them.
There are indeed some willful women or naughty children and selfish, cranky church members. But far too often, those who say, “My wife won’t submit,” or “My kids better obey or else,” or “That church member is not conforming,” are requiring those who follow them to give up something of their personhood. They are asking that they themselves be lifted up as makers, interpreters, and enforcers of the law—and there is no one more dangerous to others in these situations than the person who presumes to know what is “good” or “right” for everyone and has the power to make them do it.
Jesus drew people, not with fear or threats, but with the force of love. Tax collectors and prostitutes knew He wouldn’t beat them into observing the law. Cowards and big-talkers alike knew there was grace for them. Children knew they would be welcome and gravitated to Him. The sick and the mentally ill and even a dying thief somehow knew they could ask loving favor from this Man. And this brings us to another definition of authority: the power to influence thought and behavior.
Authority, to a lot of people, is a bad nine-letter word. It can be reduced, though, to a couple of four-letter words: l-o-v-e or f-e-a-r. Only the first carries authority that is real. And that is Jesus’ style.
Authority, the dictionary tells me, means several things: for one, the power to enforce obedience. In practical affairs, we often think of it as the right to tell others what to do. Wouldn’t you think that if anyone has that right, it would be those who know the law best? One would suppose that interpreters of the law would have, above all others, the understanding of what is expected of those under them. In Jesus’ day, that would be the scribes and/or the Pharisees. And yet, when Jesus taught, people were amazed, not only at what He said, but how He said it: with real authority. Twice the Gospel writers tell us what happened. “When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.” (Matthew 7:28, 29 NIV) This was Jesus’ teaching called “the sermon on the mount.” In the synagogue at Capernaum, “The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law.” (Mark 1:22 NIV)
Those who listened were used to authority, even religious authority. But Jesus spoke with real authority, some versions emphasize, not like the other teachers. What made everyone so amazed at Jesus’ teaching? What’s the difference between real authority and not-real? Jesus did not enforce obedience; he invited obedience by His love and wisdom and hope.
Authority is a bad word to many people, a bad nine-letter word. They have no particular problem with submitting to governmental authority; they pay taxes, they obey traffic laws, they don’t participate in illegal activities. They deal successfully with authority in school or the workplace too. But when confronted with the idea of authority in the home or in the Church, they become confused, afraid, or stubborn. Why is this?
Authority in the places where the heart is drawn in—the home and the Church—where one’s most intimate self is exposed, can be a frightening concept. This is because many misunderstand what authority in these circumstances means. And who is it that most misunderstands? The authority figures themselves. It is perfectly clear to the person—most often a woman or a child in the home but anyone in the Church—who has been wounded by experiences of misuse or abuse what “authority” means. It means to be wary of those who can hurt them again. If the person(s) in authority cannot be trusted to act in one’s best interests, then it makes absolute sense to be watchful, perhaps even fearful of them.
There are indeed some willful women or naughty children and selfish, cranky church members. But far too often, those who say, “My wife won’t submit,” or “My kids better obey or else,” or “That church member is not conforming,” are requiring those who follow them to give up something of their personhood. They are asking that they themselves be lifted up as makers, interpreters, and enforcers of the law—and there is no one more dangerous to others in these situations than the person who presumes to know what is “good” or “right” for everyone and has the power to make them do it.
Jesus drew people, not with fear or threats, but with the force of love. Tax collectors and prostitutes knew He wouldn’t beat them into observing the law. Cowards and big-talkers alike knew there was grace for them. Children knew they would be welcome and gravitated to Him. The sick and the mentally ill and even a dying thief somehow knew they could ask loving favor from this Man. And this brings us to another definition of authority: the power to influence thought and behavior.
Authority, to a lot of people, is a bad nine-letter word. It can be reduced, though, to a couple of four-letter words: l-o-v-e or f-e-a-r. Only the first carries authority that is real. And that is Jesus’ style.
Marjorie
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
A note: Do you know who made the statement about “the most dangerous person”? If so, help me give credit.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Genny's Story - 10: Healing
To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.
Genny is telling us about the process of healing after her abusive marriage to Jim.
Marjorie: How about other people, friends and family members? Were they supportive?
Genny: Hardly anybody knew, but the few that did were God's gift to me! I don't think I could have made it without their love and wisdom and their acceptance of my crazy thinking!
M: The Bible tells us that God heals the brokenhearted. Did you pray for healing?
G: All the time! But healing doesn't always come with someone's emphatic prayer or a little dab of oil on your forehead. For me, the single most significant turning point was one morning when a visiting minister to our church spoke on the marriage relationship, how it is for companionship and care and protection of one another. A great sorrow swept over me and I thought, "Oh, just look at what I've missed, what I'm never going to have!" And God spoke in my heart, as clearly as if He had said it out loud, "You have been so hurt and disappointed that you have forgotten how strong and sufficient I was all those years you were single." That changed my outlook completely, because from that day until now I have tried to turn my attention to new ways of remembering. I turn the pain into something positive. And I want to add that this is a very real thing to me, not just another slick way of learning to cope.
M: Tell us how you do this.
G: Well, for example when I recall, "We were sitting in this very restaurant when Jim got angry and stomped out." Then I say, "But oh, Lord, thank You that You are so patient. You have never threatened to leave me."
"Here were all these lies, a whole web of deceit in Jim's life. But God, You are the Faithful One! You are always reliable, perfect in your trustworthiness. I thank You!
"So much scorn was heaped on me. But You, Lord, have always treated me with respect. You have led me through difficult circumstances sometimes, but You have never tried to humiliate me. Thank You!"
And so on through every painful memory. "Lord, You are the perfect Giver. Thank You for giving to me everything pertaining to life and godliness, not for what You might get in return, but out of Your love for me!"
"God, You are not after the control that bars my humanity. You are in control because You are God, but You don't rule Your obedient child with a harsh rod. Thank You!
"Your love is pure, untainted by unrighteous motives. You have nothing to prove about Yourself. And you have no need to make me prove something! Thank You, Lord!
"God, with You there is no shadow of turning. I never have to question your continued love and loyalty. Thank You!
"Lord, Your words are sweeter than honey! Even when You correct me, I feel Your love lifting me to a better place. I thank You!
"God, I know You have a sense of humor, but it is so gentle. You don't seem to laugh at put-downs of people or make light of life's issues. Thank You!
"Lord, You did not choose comfort, but the way of the Cross. You did not choose ease but sacrifice. How I thank You!
"God, You know who You are, the great I AM. You know who I am. And You are letting me learn who we are! Thank You, thank You!"
I have to say that this has not only changed my response to memories, but it has also given me a better understanding and a closer relationship with God the Father. The Scripture even talks about Him being the husband of the forsaken, and that is a beautiful thought to hold onto if one has been hurt and disappointed.
M: So you're actually better and stronger than before? You thought God assured you that this marriage was for your joy and blessing—do you think it's possible that the deeper understanding and relationship with God that you now enjoy is what He was talking about?
G: Well, naturally I thought He meant that Jim and I would have this beautiful marriage and grow old together and all that. This was supposed to be the best part of our lives. I think that is what could have and should have happened, so this is terribly disappointing.. There is sorrow for myself, of course, but for God too, that He didn't get to see His plan worked out as He intended. God is God, but He does not always get what He wants because He lets us make choices.
M: But even though you're disappointed, you don't seem to have a lot of regret.
G: I don't. I believe I needed to marry Jim so that I would not spend the rest of my life regretting that I had missed the opportunity to make a home with this dearest of friends. And I needed to learn things about life and about myself that I didn't even know were missing. I don't think I would be where I am today without this experience, as awful as it was. And I am hoping that other women may be helped by what I have to share.
M: So then, all things really do work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose?
G: Yes, I know they do. I believe that with all my heart!
M: Genny, thank you for sharing! It has not been easy, has it?
G: No, but I have prayed often, "God, don't let what I have experienced be wasted." If our conversation gives to women some understanding and hope, then my prayer has been answered!
This is the end of Genny's shared story, but just the beginning of the new one she's living now!
___________________________________
*A recap of the books Genny mentioned, and others she found helpful:
Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse, by Paul Hegstrom
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Finding Your Way through Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Healing, by Connie Fourré
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock
Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction, by Christine A. Adams
Telling Yourself the Truth: Find Your Way Out of Depression, Anxiety, Fear, Anger, and Other Common Problems by Applying the Principles of Misbelief Therapy, William Backus and Marie Chapman
Trauma: The Pain That Stays, by Robert Hicks
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond, by Patricia Evans
Whose Face Is in the Mirror? The Story of One Woman's Journey from the Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True Healing, by Dianne Schwartz
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft
*Related Websites:
http://www.focusministries1.org/
http://www.drirene.com/ (This is a huge website, but there is a section where Christian women share with each other.)
Genny is telling us about the process of healing after her abusive marriage to Jim.
Marjorie: How about other people, friends and family members? Were they supportive?
Genny: Hardly anybody knew, but the few that did were God's gift to me! I don't think I could have made it without their love and wisdom and their acceptance of my crazy thinking!
M: The Bible tells us that God heals the brokenhearted. Did you pray for healing?
G: All the time! But healing doesn't always come with someone's emphatic prayer or a little dab of oil on your forehead. For me, the single most significant turning point was one morning when a visiting minister to our church spoke on the marriage relationship, how it is for companionship and care and protection of one another. A great sorrow swept over me and I thought, "Oh, just look at what I've missed, what I'm never going to have!" And God spoke in my heart, as clearly as if He had said it out loud, "You have been so hurt and disappointed that you have forgotten how strong and sufficient I was all those years you were single." That changed my outlook completely, because from that day until now I have tried to turn my attention to new ways of remembering. I turn the pain into something positive. And I want to add that this is a very real thing to me, not just another slick way of learning to cope.
M: Tell us how you do this.
G: Well, for example when I recall, "We were sitting in this very restaurant when Jim got angry and stomped out." Then I say, "But oh, Lord, thank You that You are so patient. You have never threatened to leave me."
"Here were all these lies, a whole web of deceit in Jim's life. But God, You are the Faithful One! You are always reliable, perfect in your trustworthiness. I thank You!
"So much scorn was heaped on me. But You, Lord, have always treated me with respect. You have led me through difficult circumstances sometimes, but You have never tried to humiliate me. Thank You!"
And so on through every painful memory. "Lord, You are the perfect Giver. Thank You for giving to me everything pertaining to life and godliness, not for what You might get in return, but out of Your love for me!"
"God, You are not after the control that bars my humanity. You are in control because You are God, but You don't rule Your obedient child with a harsh rod. Thank You!
"Your love is pure, untainted by unrighteous motives. You have nothing to prove about Yourself. And you have no need to make me prove something! Thank You, Lord!
"God, with You there is no shadow of turning. I never have to question your continued love and loyalty. Thank You!
"Lord, Your words are sweeter than honey! Even when You correct me, I feel Your love lifting me to a better place. I thank You!
"God, I know You have a sense of humor, but it is so gentle. You don't seem to laugh at put-downs of people or make light of life's issues. Thank You!
"Lord, You did not choose comfort, but the way of the Cross. You did not choose ease but sacrifice. How I thank You!
"God, You know who You are, the great I AM. You know who I am. And You are letting me learn who we are! Thank You, thank You!"
I have to say that this has not only changed my response to memories, but it has also given me a better understanding and a closer relationship with God the Father. The Scripture even talks about Him being the husband of the forsaken, and that is a beautiful thought to hold onto if one has been hurt and disappointed.
M: So you're actually better and stronger than before? You thought God assured you that this marriage was for your joy and blessing—do you think it's possible that the deeper understanding and relationship with God that you now enjoy is what He was talking about?
G: Well, naturally I thought He meant that Jim and I would have this beautiful marriage and grow old together and all that. This was supposed to be the best part of our lives. I think that is what could have and should have happened, so this is terribly disappointing.. There is sorrow for myself, of course, but for God too, that He didn't get to see His plan worked out as He intended. God is God, but He does not always get what He wants because He lets us make choices.
M: But even though you're disappointed, you don't seem to have a lot of regret.
G: I don't. I believe I needed to marry Jim so that I would not spend the rest of my life regretting that I had missed the opportunity to make a home with this dearest of friends. And I needed to learn things about life and about myself that I didn't even know were missing. I don't think I would be where I am today without this experience, as awful as it was. And I am hoping that other women may be helped by what I have to share.
M: So then, all things really do work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose?
G: Yes, I know they do. I believe that with all my heart!
M: Genny, thank you for sharing! It has not been easy, has it?
G: No, but I have prayed often, "God, don't let what I have experienced be wasted." If our conversation gives to women some understanding and hope, then my prayer has been answered!
This is the end of Genny's shared story, but just the beginning of the new one she's living now!
___________________________________
*A recap of the books Genny mentioned, and others she found helpful:
Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse, by Paul Hegstrom
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Finding Your Way through Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Healing, by Connie Fourré
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock
Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction, by Christine A. Adams
Telling Yourself the Truth: Find Your Way Out of Depression, Anxiety, Fear, Anger, and Other Common Problems by Applying the Principles of Misbelief Therapy, William Backus and Marie Chapman
Trauma: The Pain That Stays, by Robert Hicks
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond, by Patricia Evans
Whose Face Is in the Mirror? The Story of One Woman's Journey from the Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True Healing, by Dianne Schwartz
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft
*Related Websites:
http://www.focusministries1.org/
http://www.drirene.com/ (This is a huge website, but there is a section where Christian women share with each other.)
Friday, May 22, 2009
Genny's Story - 8: Learning to Help Myself
To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.
Genny talks about specific actions of her own that helped her recover from experiencing abuse.
Marjorie: You said that several things the counselor suggested were helpful to you in recovery, including journaling. Tell us a little about that.
Genny: I am a Christian, but still, forgiveness was a huge issue for me even though Jim and I were no longer together. I had been really terribly wronged, and I had miserable memories. But I knew I did not want to live with bitterness that would eat up my life. So a very important exercise for me was taking a bunch of note cards and organizing all the offenses I could think of that Jim had committed against me. I actually sorted and color-coded them! The first group was the things that irritate "everybody." Maybe ninety-five out of a hundred wives have a husband who tells them how to drive! Lots of husbands don't know how to sort laundry or they put off getting a haircut. I decided I should just forget those things. In the big picture, they are pretty inconsequential.
The next grouping was of the things that had made living with Jim harder than it had to be, but he had little awareness of how to make life run smoothly. He didn't tune in very well to anyone's feelings—not even his own. Everything was pretty much on the surface where words could get him by. So here I put a lot of things like always being late and not showering often enough and "forgetting" to carry his snack stuff back to the kitchen and making a great deal of noise. I remembered the verse that says "charity covers the multitude of sins," and I thought that's what I should do about these things—just deliberately choose to let love be bigger than they were. They had made life with Jim difficult, but they were not truly damaging.
Then there were the genuine wrongs against me: the control, the harsh words, the unkind comparisons, the deceit and lies, the selfishness and laziness. It was hard, but the only thing I could do about those past offenses was to forgive. "If you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive you." I forgave, and then if I remembered the hurtful thing again, I forgave again. Over and over. I still do.
And the last category was sin against God. I had to come to grips with the truth that some of the things in Jim's life are things that God's Word says He hates. Cursing, lust, lies, anger and evil-speaking . . .
M: And his abuse of you?
[Here Genny was silent for a long time.]
M: Is abuse an offense against God?
G: Yes. It breaks His second-greatest commandment. Love.
M: And what could you do about those wrongs?
G: It took me quite awhile to accept that that there was not one single thing I could do about them. Those are God's business, and I just have to leave it up to Him. His love for Jim is as great as His love for me, although I know He isn't pleased with Jim's choices about how to respond to that love. The choices he made would not have hurt me either, if I had not loved him. That is the risk love takes when we marry. It's the risk God takes all the time with each of us.
M: What would you say was the most difficult for you of all those offenses you listed?
G: I think the hardest was coming to the realization and then the acceptance that Jim had never really loved me.
M: And why do you come to that conclusion?
G: Because love doesn't do the things Jim did. No matter how I look at it, it just doesn't. Read the love chapter in the Bible, and you'll see how love behaves. I tried and tried to come up with some other answer, and as long as I was evading what was obvious truth, I wasn't healing. When I ruthlessly said to myself, "Okay, he didn't love me. Deal with it," I then began to gain control of my thoughts and emotions. That did not ease the sorrow, but you know, truth really does set us free, even if the truth is a terrible thing to face
M: But you said earlier that Jim asked you to marry him because he wanted you in his life. Wasn't that love?
G: No, he didn't actually say he wanted me in his life. He needed me, and I wasn't tuned in to that difference before we married. I believe he wanted my stability, my reputation with people, my active faith, my established home—maybe my steady income too, I don't know! Only later did I realize that he never did say, "I want to try to make your life easier and happier. I want to provide for you. I want to be with you always."
I wouldn't go so far as to say Jim set out to hurt me and make my life miserable. Control me? Yes, but I don't think he deliberately decided to do what would bring me pain. Use me? Yes, but that is just the way he expected the relationship to work. And he may well have thought that marriage would somehow make him different from the man he knew himself to be. He may have believed that a stable home and a loving wife were the answer to his misbehavior and have been surprised to find that it was not. I think he didn't really plan for this to cost him anything, and when he realized that love itself has demands—even though I was not personally making them—he opted out in every imaginable way: emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. And then blamed me for his inadequacies!
To be continued.
Genny talks about specific actions of her own that helped her recover from experiencing abuse.
Marjorie: You said that several things the counselor suggested were helpful to you in recovery, including journaling. Tell us a little about that.
Genny: I am a Christian, but still, forgiveness was a huge issue for me even though Jim and I were no longer together. I had been really terribly wronged, and I had miserable memories. But I knew I did not want to live with bitterness that would eat up my life. So a very important exercise for me was taking a bunch of note cards and organizing all the offenses I could think of that Jim had committed against me. I actually sorted and color-coded them! The first group was the things that irritate "everybody." Maybe ninety-five out of a hundred wives have a husband who tells them how to drive! Lots of husbands don't know how to sort laundry or they put off getting a haircut. I decided I should just forget those things. In the big picture, they are pretty inconsequential.
The next grouping was of the things that had made living with Jim harder than it had to be, but he had little awareness of how to make life run smoothly. He didn't tune in very well to anyone's feelings—not even his own. Everything was pretty much on the surface where words could get him by. So here I put a lot of things like always being late and not showering often enough and "forgetting" to carry his snack stuff back to the kitchen and making a great deal of noise. I remembered the verse that says "charity covers the multitude of sins," and I thought that's what I should do about these things—just deliberately choose to let love be bigger than they were. They had made life with Jim difficult, but they were not truly damaging.
Then there were the genuine wrongs against me: the control, the harsh words, the unkind comparisons, the deceit and lies, the selfishness and laziness. It was hard, but the only thing I could do about those past offenses was to forgive. "If you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive you." I forgave, and then if I remembered the hurtful thing again, I forgave again. Over and over. I still do.
And the last category was sin against God. I had to come to grips with the truth that some of the things in Jim's life are things that God's Word says He hates. Cursing, lust, lies, anger and evil-speaking . . .
M: And his abuse of you?
[Here Genny was silent for a long time.]
M: Is abuse an offense against God?
G: Yes. It breaks His second-greatest commandment. Love.
M: And what could you do about those wrongs?
G: It took me quite awhile to accept that that there was not one single thing I could do about them. Those are God's business, and I just have to leave it up to Him. His love for Jim is as great as His love for me, although I know He isn't pleased with Jim's choices about how to respond to that love. The choices he made would not have hurt me either, if I had not loved him. That is the risk love takes when we marry. It's the risk God takes all the time with each of us.
M: What would you say was the most difficult for you of all those offenses you listed?
G: I think the hardest was coming to the realization and then the acceptance that Jim had never really loved me.
M: And why do you come to that conclusion?
G: Because love doesn't do the things Jim did. No matter how I look at it, it just doesn't. Read the love chapter in the Bible, and you'll see how love behaves. I tried and tried to come up with some other answer, and as long as I was evading what was obvious truth, I wasn't healing. When I ruthlessly said to myself, "Okay, he didn't love me. Deal with it," I then began to gain control of my thoughts and emotions. That did not ease the sorrow, but you know, truth really does set us free, even if the truth is a terrible thing to face
M: But you said earlier that Jim asked you to marry him because he wanted you in his life. Wasn't that love?
G: No, he didn't actually say he wanted me in his life. He needed me, and I wasn't tuned in to that difference before we married. I believe he wanted my stability, my reputation with people, my active faith, my established home—maybe my steady income too, I don't know! Only later did I realize that he never did say, "I want to try to make your life easier and happier. I want to provide for you. I want to be with you always."
I wouldn't go so far as to say Jim set out to hurt me and make my life miserable. Control me? Yes, but I don't think he deliberately decided to do what would bring me pain. Use me? Yes, but that is just the way he expected the relationship to work. And he may well have thought that marriage would somehow make him different from the man he knew himself to be. He may have believed that a stable home and a loving wife were the answer to his misbehavior and have been surprised to find that it was not. I think he didn't really plan for this to cost him anything, and when he realized that love itself has demands—even though I was not personally making them—he opted out in every imaginable way: emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. And then blamed me for his inadequacies!
To be continued.
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