Home Schooling

The modern home-schooling movement began in the seventies and eighties when parents and some educators began to question the wisdom of the conventional education system. Long before that, however, before there were compulsory attendance laws, children learned at home the basics of growing and gathering food, caring for livestock, using tools, and making clothing. When they could be spared from house and field, they might spend brief periods under the tutelage of a parent or older sibling or a young woman in the community (single, of course) who knew readin', 'ritin', and 'rithmetic.

Whether we attended a public school or a private one, or whether we were taught by a tutor or parent at home, almost all of us have had "home-schooling." From early centuries until the present, we've been home-schooled in many things besides the three R's. (Only a few children have virtually raised themselves, like Topsy in Uncle Tom's Cabin who just "growed.") We learned the value of hard work—or not. We learned to respect the rights of others—or not. We learned honesty, loyalty, and faith in God—or not. We may have learned that there is money for booze but not shoes. We may have learned that crime does indeed pay—at least, in the short term. We may have learned that adults get their way by yelling, that a murmur of protest earns a smack in the face, and that no reason at all may bring on enraged blows. We may have learned that children don't count and, in particular, that girls don't count. We may have learned that the name of God precedes curses that make us feel small and weak and unloved.

Some things must be un-learned. Is there some word that you consistently find it difficult to spell because you did not learn it correctly in the first place? Do you split infinitives or dangle participles because no one taught you not to? (We also are not supposed to end sentences with prepositions, did you notice?) Are there certain number combinations that tend to trip you? Then you will find that you must pay attention to un-learning those mistaken lessons.

The same may be true of "home schooling." Not everything we learned from our elders is right just because they said so. Not everything is best practice just because it is what they did. Now that we are adults, making choices of our own, we must decide if what we learned back then is true and right. Is honesty really the best—or perhaps only—policy? Do nice guys, and girls, always finish last? Am I significant? Can people be trusted? Can God?

Where do we find the truth?

1. First of all, in what God says about us and how He says to live, described for us in the Scriptures. And then—not in order of their importance, which only the learner can determine—other places may be:
2. People whose lives demonstrate purpose and meaning, who know how to make relationships work—listening to them, asking questions.
3. Information sources such as books, articles, and recorded presentations.
4. Personal consultation/counseling which serve to give insight.
   

This is probably no longer "home" schooling. It is "advanced education" from which we never graduate.

Fortunately!

Marjorie

A Little Bit Mad

Carefully, carefully, I'm going to write today about staying a little bit mad. I don't want you to misunderstand me and think that I am advocating living in a state of angry agitation. By using "mad" instead of "angry," although it's non-standard English, perhaps you will better understand my intent. One can be a little bit mad, I think, and not be furious, full of rage, and—dare I say it?—without sinning. I propose that to our own advantage, sometimes we need to stay a little bit mad.

When we have been mistreated, we need at some point, to let go of the need to retaliate. That is the Christian thing to do, and the healthy thing to do. Some would teach us that when you have truly forgiven an offense, you should also forget it. You may. But again, you may not. You may stay a little bit mad.

Some experiences are not easily forgotten, and indeed should not be, for we then proceed with a sense of caution that we did not have before. Some injuries propel us into advocacy for others who suffer similar indignities. Some show us where we have allowed others to take advantage of us. Some teach us that, following great personal harm, we can regain our balance and discover, "There is life after—" whatever.

I would never recommend to you the "mad" that is constantly simmering, that keeps you fearful or self-pitying, and that disturbs the peace of God that is to rule in our hearts. But that little bit of mad can be the energy that causes you to focus on what is good and right in your relationships. Without the determination that comes with a little "mad," it is easy to avoid the growth that is needed to become a whole and healthy Christian woman.

Marjorie

Phantom Pain

Surgeons have known for a long time about phantom pain. Phantom limb syndrome was first described in 1552 by French surgeon Ambroise Paré, who operated on wounded soldiers and wrote about patients who complained of pain in amputated limbs. Even that long ago, he thought, as doctors do today, that the pain originated in the brain, which is contrary to the popular misconception that phantom pain is in the sensory nerve endings.

Other kinds of trauma also may produce an aftereffect something like the pain that seems to come from the body part that isn't there. A very frightening experience such as living through a destructive earthquake or tornado may cause recurring fear; if a heavy truck makes the house shake as it rumbles by, the person has an instinctive response of panic. A survivor of a terrible accident may relive over and over again the awful moments when they were trapped inside their burning car. Even when she can clearly see that the event is not happening again, the impression on mind and body is as real as if it were.

Women who have suffered emotional devastation—rape, battering, emotional abuse, abandonment by the one they trusted, impoverishment—may feel recurrent pain even if their ordeal ends. Is that so strange? A thoughtless person might say of this lingering pain, "Well, it's just all in her head," and technically, that would be correct. This pain, too, emanates from the brain, but it is as real as that which seems to come from a limb that is no longer attached to the body. She may, for a very long time, think of the one who so deeply hurt her as if he's only in the next room. The pain and uncertainty and fear are as real as they ever were.

Researchers are working on treatment for pain from phantom limbs. There is help for persons suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (the suffering after shattering events). And release can eventually come after the pain of emotional trauma too, from a number of sources. A woman can speak to herself, "It's over. I am safe now." Loving friends can reassure her. Mental health professionals know how to help. With all of these, we still acknowledge that God is the ultimate Healer. Even Paré himself said, "I dressed his wound, God healed him."

Jesus declared, "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Luke 4:17-19)

Marjorie

You may also like "Getting Over It" here.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Info about phantom pain and treatment from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/01/070118-phantom-limb.html

Having a Nervous Breakthrough

Although it is not a clinical term that medical professionals use, most laypeople understand what is meant when we speak of having "a nervous breakdown." We use that expression to describe the state of a person who is so severely and persistently distraught that he or she is unable to function normally. Put very simply, it could be defined as one type of "system overload."

Whenever systems are overloaded, problems develop and symptoms of the excess burden present themselves. The car overheats, the electric power has a brown-out, the water pipe starts to leak, the computer "freezes." Or in the case of our bodies, very strong psychological experience(s) may overwhelm the circuitry of mind, emotions, spirit, and will. Then the individual is unable to cope effectively, at least temporarily, with life.

Sometimes people feel depressed or burned-out or restless. They can't sleep or they sleep too much, can't eat or eat too much. They can't concentrate, can't make decisions. They cry all the time. When I hear someone relate these symptoms, I am reminded of David. If you read the Psalms as a personal journal, you will find that he had some extreme lows, full of despair. But if you read on, you see that these times were followed by confident assertions about God's mercy and exultant praise for His goodness.

The expression isn't new, but I ran across it the other day for the first time: "Having a nervous breakthrough." It too describes a state of our being, having little or nothing to do with the nervous system, just as nervous breakdown has little or none. It is the return to healthy working of the systems, enabling the user (one of us) to resume living our ordinary life. The "breakdown" did not happen overnight, nor is the "breakthrough" apt to occur suddenly. Often it takes some time; it may require some help. The car may need a mechanic's hand; you may have to call a plumber about the leak. The internal "break" may call for a counselor, or a visit to a medical professional, or just getting out of a bruising routine for some real rest.

Just because these two terms—breakdown and breakthrough—are not medical terms does not mean they aren't real. Their presence signals the need for some attention, just as do the overheated car and the leaking water pipe.

Marjorie

Acting As If

The Rev. Samuel M. Shoemaker gets credit for originating the "Act As If" practice that is popular in Alcoholics Anonymous and other Twelve Step programs. The principles of those steps grew out of the Oxford Group based at Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City where Shoemaker was Rector of the Church and spiritual leader of the Oxford Group. It is he who provided the early inspiration for the spiritual aspects of twelve-step programs, and began using the phrase, "act as if" about 1954. Some naysayers insist that "acting as if" is deceiving oneself, putting on a front for others, or even lying!

I think, however, it comes down to the matter of motive. If we are trying to convince ourselves that we are a superior being, yes, that is deception. If we intend to trick others into believing that we are something that we are not, yes, that is lying. However, affirming what we believe and hope for and beginning to act on it strengthens our belief and hope.

Acting as if does not mean writing checks as if I have money in the bank when I do not.
Acting as if does not mean feigning calm as if I cannot feel hurt or disappointment or anger. Acting as if does not mean working day and night as if I need no rest or self-care.

Acting as if is facing reality and responding appropriately.
Acting as if is intentional in cultivating healthy relationships.
Acting as if is assertive (neither passive nor aggressive) personal behavior.
Acting as if means beginning now to take the action or speak the words I would if I were already the person I want to become!

How would you act if you were not shy, or ashamed, or afraid? Act as if you are not.

How would a self-confident, interesting person act? How would a person act who respected others and herself/himself? Start acting that way.

How would a woman act who believed God valued her and had Divine purpose for her life? Act like her.

Acting as if is decisive. Acting as if involves action based on more than feeling. Acting as if purposes to align us with what is true.

Marjorie

Vigilance

"Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." This is one of those quotes that "everybody" knows was said by . . . whomever. It has been attributed to Thomas Jefferson, abolitionist Wendell Phillips, Thomas Paine, Abraham Lincoln, and General of the Army George Marshall. And it could well be that each of these great men publicly declared the same truth: freedom can be damaged or even lost by ignoring it.

Everyday life around us illustrates this. You know the scene: A young woman enthusiastically embarks upon a regimen of workouts at the gym, perhaps even with a personal trainer. She looks good, and she feels better than she has in years. She tells her friends, maybe somewhat smugly, what a great thing this has been—her life is changed. But her allergies start bothering her, or her hours change at work, or the high school football season starts or whatever, and before you know it, she is missing a few days, and then longer periods at a time, and after awhile she drops her gym membership. She quit paying attention to her goals. There may be very good reasons, but the fact remains that she was not vigilant about her gains.

Or a woman decides to lose weight—maybe quite a lot of it. She may sign up for a program or undertake one of her own. She sticks to the plan faithfully for months, and eventually she is rewarded with a trim body, the new clothes she had to buy, the admiration of her acquaintances, and renewed health and vigor. But after she is through "dieting," and it is okay to eat what she wants again (she supposes), the pounds begin to creep back on. Having reached an important goal, she failed to pay the price of maintaining it.

Many alcoholics continue to attend AA meetings long after they have sobered up—years and years, sometimes, because those men and women know that "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." Some people question that position, thinking that one should not continue to believe that he/she is still an alcoholic—especially if a genuine relationship with God has been established. That may be true for some, but others find there is still an inner proclivity toward their "drug of choice." (I use that term because alcohol is just one among a number of addictions.)

We must not fail to recognize that the connection between vigilance and liberty is true in more than the physical part of our lives. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Galatia, "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." (Galatians 5:1) Spiritual gains have to be guarded and maintained too. Times of inspiration and challenge make us feel confident and energized. It comes as a surprise to us, sometimes, when we find that only conscious attention and effort enable us to keep the new freedom.

Some of us have had self-defeating emotional habits to overcome: a sense of unworthiness, unwarranted introspection, lack of assertion, overprotection, denial, or misplaced trust. Or on the other hand: pride, anger, deceit, control, blame, self-indulgence, or self-pity. Either thinking too little or too much of ourselves was destructive in the past. Having made progress, by the grace of God, in one of these dysfunctional areas, it is so easy to say, "Whew! I'm glad that battle is over." We are right to be encouraged and grateful for the healthy changes we can see, but no, it is not over. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty."

Stand fast!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Harder Than It Looks

Recovery after loss is harder than it looks.

It doesn't matter too much what the loss is:

The death of a spouse or a child.
The loss of a house—destruction or foreclosure.
Or the loss of Home—you can't go back to that place of security again.
Layoff from a long-term job.
Health and strength and freedom from pain.
A broken relationship.
Betrayal by someone you trusted.
A missed opportunity that cannot be recovered.
Failure to accomplish what you were sure you could.
Faith and self-confidence.
A dream that has died.

Treat the one who has suffered loss with great compassion. Recovery is harder than it looks.

People may say, "You're a strong woman—so brave." And she thinks, I don't want to be strong or brave. I just want to stop hurting.

They say, "You are doing so well." Thank you, I'm recovering from what amounts to a 'surgery' that almost killed me.

"You're looking good." Nice of you to say that, but this is just the face I put on when I'm going out.

Treat the one who has suffered loss with much kindness; it is doing a kindness to Christ.
Without implying unreserved acceptance of Jungian psychology, here is something he wrote:

What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I
should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all the beggars
. . . that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of
my own kindness—that I myself am the enemy who must be loved—what
then?

Treat the one who has suffered loss with great compassion—especially if it is you.

I recommend reading or re-reading these posts on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog:
The Courage to Grieve and Where Everybody Knows Your Name.

Marjorie

Getting Over It

On an errand this morning, I needed to pass through the intersection where a number of months ago an out-of-town driver sped through a red light and tore off the front of my car. Since that incident, I usually avoid this corner. Today I proceeded with caution and felt sure I was safe, but my body reacted with anxiety—butterflies in my stomach which fluttered about for the next several minutes. "This is ridiculous!" I told myself, but nonetheless, the queasiness told me I was not "over it" yet.

Getting over trauma is something we expect of ourselves, sometimes too much and too quickly. Of course, an accident in which no one was seriously injured, although the vehicles were totaled, can hardly be compared to other things that can and do happen in women's lives. A partner who deserts, the loss of a child, domestic abuse, a destructive fire or flood, grave illness, financial ruin—these are far worse. If an accident that occurred two years ago still wilts me, why would I expect any of us to rebound fully from more severe shock in less time than that? We are not always kind; in fact, our critics say that the church is the only army that shoots its own wounded.

Well, perhaps we wouldn't "shoot" a hurting woman; we would be more apt just to abandon her. Why would we not be gentle and supportive when we encounter such a woman? Why are we so uncomfortable around her? Very often, it is because we don't know what to say. Often, too many words just get in the way. "I am thinking of you," or "I'm praying for you" may be entirely adequate. But another reason can be fear. What if her disaster is "contagious"? What if my husband left me, my child died, my home burned, my uterus had a cancer? When we are around the one who experiences these, we may wonder if we too are vulnerable—and we pull away, just a bit, just in case. Realizing this, we should be able to understand a little better why we may not get the immediate response of hope and help from others when we are the suffering one.

And why are we so hard on ourselves? It is not helpful for us to hear from someone, "It's been however-many years now. Isn't it time . . ." Or "Are you still . . ." Yet often we say such things to ourselves, gathering shame for having feelings. Do not listen! I am not advocating long-term self-pity, but am simply recognizing that time alone is not a healer. No more than I could control the butterflies circling in my stomach can we control the flash of emotion when we encounter certain sights, sounds, or other triggers for something deeply experienced. Feel it, validate it, possibly learn from it, then release it again.

Marjorie

If you are interested in the topic of recovery after trauma, read some of Genny's story on this blog [here] and about Mrs. Job on "Finding the Faith Way" [here].

It's Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood

Many people have used the line that titles this article. It sells books and articles, programs of hypnotherapy and inner healing, workshops, and even a nutritional supplement. People like novelist Tom Robbins and motivational speaker Wayne Dwyer say it's so, and I believe it as well.

You may be quite aware that some infants exhibit the syndrome called "failure to thrive." They simply do not grow as they should. In many of these cases there is no apparent organic disorder; the growth failure occurs because of environmental neglect (basically, lack of food which can be caused in a number of ways) or stimulus deprivation. Stimulation may be lacking because of the caregivers' anxiety, apathy, hostility or other stresses not all of which are the adult's "fault." The baby can become depressed, apathetic, and ultimately unwilling or unable to eat.

News to me, although perhaps not to you, is the geriatric syndrome, "failure to thrive." Some elderly patients with declining health and strength, including those who do not have an acute illness or a severe chronic disease, undergo a process of functional decline, progressive apathy, and a loss of willingness to eat and drink that ends in death. Often the cause of the deterioration is not identifiable, but it should not be dismissed as a necessary part of aging. All of this to say: The medical profession recognizes that at both ends of life, it is critical to receive the care we need—not only physical nourishment, but the comfort, acceptance, and hope that others can provide. And all the years in between, we never outgrow that need.

Although our physical growth may not have been stunted by some degree of negligence, nevertheless, some of us still have inside us the little person we once were who did not have the opportunity to flourish. We grew into adolescence and then adulthood with some basic needs unmet, in most cases not because we were not loved, but because our parents or guardians did not know how to nurture a child. They probably had inside of themselves the little persons they once were who had not been nurtured. If we did not—and if we do not—receive the encouragement and acceptance we need from others, we must be certain to provide it for ourselves.

Part of growing up is learning how to take care of oneself: how to bathe and how to fry an egg, how to press clothes and drive safely, how to write a check and get up in time for work. What we sometimes never learn, because we don't realize that we need to, is how to make good decisions, how to love and forgive, how to trust and treat ourselves with respect, how to be happy. If we did not learn it earlier, that is our task as a grownup now.

Some people take this very literally, suggesting that you spend time with your "inner child" every day, breathing deeply and noticing what she wants and needs. Do some of your favorite childhood activities. (Sorry, I just can't see myself climbing trees again!) Find and frame a photo from your childhood; talk to that adorable little girl and enjoy her company. Hang out with children. Bring back naptime; curl up with a blankie and have a nap. (Now this I can see!)

If you had a less-than-happy childhood, and these are helpful, then by all means, enjoy! But the real issue, I think, is creating for our selves the same atmosphere of warmth and caring that lets infants and the elderly thrive. Having a happy childhood at a later stage of life may include—but does not necessarily require—re-creating those younger days, doing all the fun stuff you missed, making up for some earlier, real or imagined deprivation. What it might mean is a healthful diet or dental care or counseling that was out of reach when we were children. It might mean going back to school or traveling or taking up an interest that was not possible before. It might mean telling family members or friends, "I need your support in this."

If we think about it, we are probably not all that far from knowing what it means.

Marjorie

Read from my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way," the article Goodbye to a Person You Once Knew.

The Anatomy of Excess

What if ordinary excesses—not illegal stuff, but things like too much food, too much TV, too much shopping, too much weightless reading—are not so much the result of a selfish, undisciplined spirit and more the consequence of not giving oneself the necessary healthful care?

What if the failures we have seen high-profile leaders make in their personal lives did not announce to the world, "I was so weak; shame on me," but tell us that they did not heed their internal defense system which attempted, early on, to warn them about finding helpful ways to relieve stress and manage the demands made upon them?

What if the people we would criticize for their inconsistent application of "recovery" steps—whether of Alcoholics Anonymous, drug rehab, or anger management regimens—are struggling not just with a habit but with a numbing gridlock of the mind, an addiction begun because there seemed to be no way to cope with the life they faced?

What if we could convince the suicidal person, long before that act of ultimate excess, that the redemptive declaration is valid, "While there's life, there's hope."

What if we could learn to care properly for this vulnerable body and breakable spirit?

Just wondering . . .

Marjorie

Genny's Story - 10: Healing

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny is telling us about the process of healing after her abusive marriage to Jim.
Marjorie: How about other people, friends and family members? Were they supportive?

Genny: Hardly anybody knew, but the few that did were God's gift to me! I don't think I could have made it without their love and wisdom and their acceptance of my crazy thinking!

M: The Bible tells us that God heals the brokenhearted. Did you pray for healing?

G: All the time! But healing doesn't always come with someone's emphatic prayer or a little dab of oil on your forehead. For me, the single most significant turning point was one morning when a visiting minister to our church spoke on the marriage relationship, how it is for companionship and care and protection of one another. A great sorrow swept over me and I thought, "Oh, just look at what I've missed, what I'm never going to have!" And God spoke in my heart, as clearly as if He had said it out loud, "You have been so hurt and disappointed that you have forgotten how strong and sufficient I was all those years you were single." That changed my outlook completely, because from that day until now I have tried to turn my attention to new ways of remembering. I turn the pain into something positive. And I want to add that this is a very real thing to me, not just another slick way of learning to cope.

M: Tell us how you do this.

G: Well, for example when I recall, "We were sitting in this very restaurant when Jim got angry and stomped out." Then I say, "But oh, Lord, thank You that You are so patient. You have never threatened to leave me."

"Here were all these lies, a whole web of deceit in Jim's life. But God, You are the Faithful One! You are always reliable, perfect in your trustworthiness. I thank You!

"So much scorn was heaped on me. But You, Lord, have always treated me with respect. You have led me through difficult circumstances sometimes, but You have never tried to humiliate me. Thank You!"

And so on through every painful memory. "Lord, You are the perfect Giver. Thank You for giving to me everything pertaining to life and godliness, not for what You might get in return, but out of Your love for me!"

"God, You are not after the control that bars my humanity. You are in control because You are God, but You don't rule Your obedient child with a harsh rod. Thank You!

"Your love is pure, untainted by unrighteous motives. You have nothing to prove about Yourself. And you have no need to make me prove something! Thank You, Lord!

"God, with You there is no shadow of turning. I never have to question your continued love and loyalty. Thank You!

"Lord, Your words are sweeter than honey! Even when You correct me, I feel Your love lifting me to a better place. I thank You!

"God, I know You have a sense of humor, but it is so gentle. You don't seem to laugh at put-downs of people or make light of life's issues. Thank You!

"Lord, You did not choose comfort, but the way of the Cross. You did not choose ease but sacrifice. How I thank You!

"God, You know who You are, the great I AM. You know who I am. And You are letting me learn who we are! Thank You, thank You!"

I have to say that this has not only changed my response to memories, but it has also given me a better understanding and a closer relationship with God the Father. The Scripture even talks about Him being the husband of the forsaken, and that is a beautiful thought to hold onto if one has been hurt and disappointed.

M: So you're actually better and stronger than before? You thought God assured you that this marriage was for your joy and blessing—do you think it's possible that the deeper understanding and relationship with God that you now enjoy is what He was talking about?

G: Well, naturally I thought He meant that Jim and I would have this beautiful marriage and grow old together and all that. This was supposed to be the best part of our lives. I think that is what could have and should have happened, so this is terribly disappointing.. There is sorrow for myself, of course, but for God too, that He didn't get to see His plan worked out as He intended. God is God, but He does not always get what He wants because He lets us make choices.

M: But even though you're disappointed, you don't seem to have a lot of regret.

G: I don't. I believe I needed to marry Jim so that I would not spend the rest of my life regretting that I had missed the opportunity to make a home with this dearest of friends. And I needed to learn things about life and about myself that I didn't even know were missing. I don't think I would be where I am today without this experience, as awful as it was. And I am hoping that other women may be helped by what I have to share.

M: So then, all things really do work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose?

G: Yes, I know they do. I believe that with all my heart!

M: Genny, thank you for sharing! It has not been easy, has it?

G: No, but I have prayed often, "God, don't let what I have experienced be wasted." If our conversation gives to women some understanding and hope, then my prayer has been answered!

This is the end of Genny's shared story, but just the beginning of the new one she's living now!
___________________________________

*A recap of the books Genny mentioned, and others she found helpful:
Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical    and Emotional Abuse, by Paul Hegstrom
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO to Take Control of Your Life,    by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Finding Your Way through Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Physical, Emotional,    and Spiritual Healing, by Connie Fourré
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic    Violence, Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock
Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction, by Christine A. Adams
Telling Yourself the Truth: Find Your Way Out of Depression, Anxiety, Fear,    Anger, and Other Common Problems by Applying the Principles of    Misbelief Therapy, William Backus and Marie Chapman
Trauma: The Pain That Stays, by Robert Hicks
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to    Respond, by Patricia Evans
Whose Face Is in the Mirror? The Story of One Woman's Journey from the    Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True Healing, by Dianne Schwartz
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by    Lundy Bancroft

*Related Websites:

http://www.focusministries1.org/
http://www.drirene.com/ (This is a huge website, but there is a section where Christian women share with each other.)

Genny's Story - 9: Letting Go

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.
Genny has been describing acceptance and healing following her abusive marriage.
Marjorie: I'm sure readers are going to want to know: How long does it take to get over trauma like this? How long have you been healing?

Genny: Sometimes I talk to people who are healing from trauma or loss and if they ask how long, I tell them, "Recovery takes as long as it takes." I won't give any other answer because everyone is different and the process is each person's own. How long for me? I don't know yet! Years, anyway.

M: So it's okay not to be "over it" when other people think it's time?

G: That's right! We don't treat any other injuries like that—only emotional and spiritual ones. Like any other loss--and it is a loss--I'm not sure you ever "get over it." At whatever stage a person is, it's okay to be not over it yet. On the other hand, there has to come a place of deep acceptance. That is another healing thing: just to let go. Here was someone I loved who could not or would not love me. And I have to just let that go. The reality is painful, but I found not facing it is even worse.

In my religious tradition, people talk about bringing something to the altar, or laying something on the altar, meaning that they are committing the person or situation completely to God; they are taking their hands off. There was a time—when I backed off because Jim was not involved that much--I "laid Jim on the altar." Well, after he was gone, one morning in church I reminded both myself and God that Jim was still "on the altar," and that I was still committed to following the Lord with my whole being. And God's whisper inside me said, "Now you have to walk away."

So I've had to let go of Jim and walk away from my illusion of a beautiful marriage and a happy home. I've had to face the weakness I have that gives others control of my happiness or success. I have many very good, strong relationships, but I am learning that what those friends or family members think of me is not the standard by which God measures me nor is it how I should measure myself. I am not oblivious to people's opinions, of course, but more and more I am able to recognize that the opinion I have of myself is valid too!

My counselor asked me once, since I had a failed marriage earlier in life, "Do you feel that you've failed again?" No, I didn't fail Jim. Even though we could not stay together, I kept my commitment until the very last. When we both knew there could be no happy ending, I assured him, "I will be faithful to you; you don't have to question that." Whether or not he might have is not the point; I was committed even though by then it was a hopeless cause. I have sometimes mistaken my attempts to rescue people and situations for a commitment to God. My taking the responsibility for things in other people's lives that they should be taking responsibility for themselves is not helping either me or them. And it's not even helping God! He has His own agenda with them. I have to let go of them.

M: I just "have to" ask you this: If you found the love of your life in church and yet it turned out so badly, what about the advice we often hear that church is where a Christian should look for a partner?

G: That's a very fine ideal, but if I've learned anything, it is that you can't always trust "nice." I certainly wouldn't exclude church, but I wouldn't recommend it exclusively for the same reason I wouldn't suggest online searches. Sure, it works out sometimes, but it also has a lot of potential for deceit and heartbreak. A person whose Christian faith is so genuine that you spot them at work or in the classroom or on a group tour or wherever may be a better risk than a "Sunday Christian." Just my opinion. [She grins.]

I wish I had read, years ago, the very practical lists I discovered in a book, Whose Face Is in the Mirror?— "His Warning Signs" and "Our Own Warning Signs." I've had to let go of some of my visionary model!

M: Were there other things you let go?

G: Yes, I quit holding myself to the rigid schedule that had kept me from flying apart. My doctor told me, "You need to begin doing some things that are fun." And I am not ashamed that he also prescribed medication to help me sleep. With his "permission," I began to ease up on myself. It was important for me to do things that brought order instead of chaos and uncertainty and noise for its own sake. Some people clean house like crazy or take up jogging. I needed to rest. I slept. I listened to a lot of beautiful, harmonious music, and I played the piano. I did crossword puzzles and picture puzzles. I read "omnivorously"—everything—and I watched movies if I was pretty sure they had good endings! And very importantly, I kept working where I had contact with people who were "normal." I began to feel sane again, better balanced, probably, than I have ever been in all my adult life.

M: So since you've been laying aside the anger and blame and hurt and worry, there's more room for positive things.

G: A lot more room! I hardly know who I am any more, but now, that's a good, healthy thing!

To be continued, concluding next time.

Genny's Story - 8: Learning to Help Myself

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny talks about specific actions of her own that helped her recover from experiencing abuse.

Marjorie: You said that several things the counselor suggested were helpful to you in recovery, including journaling. Tell us a little about that.

Genny: I am a Christian, but still, forgiveness was a huge issue for me even though Jim and I were no longer together. I had been really terribly wronged, and I had miserable memories. But I knew I did not want to live with bitterness that would eat up my life. So a very important exercise for me was taking a bunch of note cards and organizing all the offenses I could think of that Jim had committed against me. I actually sorted and color-coded them! The first group was the things that irritate "everybody." Maybe ninety-five out of a hundred wives have a husband who tells them how to drive! Lots of husbands don't know how to sort laundry or they put off getting a haircut. I decided I should just forget those things. In the big picture, they are pretty inconsequential.

The next grouping was of the things that had made living with Jim harder than it had to be, but he had little awareness of how to make life run smoothly. He didn't tune in very well to anyone's feelings—not even his own. Everything was pretty much on the surface where words could get him by. So here I put a lot of things like always being late and not showering often enough and "forgetting" to carry his snack stuff back to the kitchen and making a great deal of noise. I remembered the verse that says "charity covers the multitude of sins," and I thought that's what I should do about these things—just deliberately choose to let love be bigger than they were. They had made life with Jim difficult, but they were not truly damaging.

Then there were the genuine wrongs against me: the control, the harsh words, the unkind comparisons, the deceit and lies, the selfishness and laziness. It was hard, but the only thing I could do about those past offenses was to forgive. "If you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive you." I forgave, and then if I remembered the hurtful thing again, I forgave again. Over and over. I still do.

And the last category was sin against God. I had to come to grips with the truth that some of the things in Jim's life are things that God's Word says He hates. Cursing, lust, lies, anger and evil-speaking . . .

M: And his abuse of you?

[Here Genny was silent for a long time.]

M: Is abuse an offense against God?

G: Yes. It breaks His second-greatest commandment. Love.

M: And what could you do about those wrongs?

G: It took me quite awhile to accept that that there was not one single thing I could do about them. Those are God's business, and I just have to leave it up to Him. His love for Jim is as great as His love for me, although I know He isn't pleased with Jim's choices about how to respond to that love. The choices he made would not have hurt me either, if I had not loved him. That is the risk love takes when we marry. It's the risk God takes all the time with each of us.

M: What would you say was the most difficult for you of all those offenses you listed?

G: I think the hardest was coming to the realization and then the acceptance that Jim had never really loved me.

M: And why do you come to that conclusion?

G: Because love doesn't do the things Jim did. No matter how I look at it, it just doesn't. Read the love chapter in the Bible, and you'll see how love behaves. I tried and tried to come up with some other answer, and as long as I was evading what was obvious truth, I wasn't healing. When I ruthlessly said to myself, "Okay, he didn't love me. Deal with it," I then began to gain control of my thoughts and emotions. That did not ease the sorrow, but you know, truth really does set us free, even if the truth is a terrible thing to face

M: But you said earlier that Jim asked you to marry him because he wanted you in his life. Wasn't that love?

G: No, he didn't actually say he wanted me in his life. He needed me, and I wasn't tuned in to that difference before we married. I believe he wanted my stability, my reputation with people, my active faith, my established home—maybe my steady income too, I don't know! Only later did I realize that he never did say, "I want to try to make your life easier and happier. I want to provide for you. I want to be with you always."

I wouldn't go so far as to say Jim set out to hurt me and make my life miserable. Control me? Yes, but I don't think he deliberately decided to do what would bring me pain. Use me? Yes, but that is just the way he expected the relationship to work. And he may well have thought that marriage would somehow make him different from the man he knew himself to be. He may have believed that a stable home and a loving wife were the answer to his misbehavior and have been surprised to find that it was not. I think he didn't really plan for this to cost him anything, and when he realized that love itself has demands—even though I was not personally making them—he opted out in every imaginable way: emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. And then blamed me for his inadequacies!

To be continued.