Another difficult subject--
While serving as a church staff member, I personally visited with a number of women who experienced the trauma of discovering that their husband had an intimate sex life—albeit an illusionary one—apart from their marriage. The women were hurt. Unbelieving and tearful or "spittin' mad," they were devastated by what certainly felt to them like infidelity.
Pornography, in its many forms, is ubiquitous; its prevalence and its bold specificity are startling. Several of the men were caught up in this, but there were other sexual addictions too that had come to light. The men I refer to profess Christian faith; they are well-respected in their church communities. Even so, they had been lured into a fantasy world where sexual fulfillment held no commitment or responsibility. It seemed to have no consequences. And that is where they were mistaken.
I am not an expert on the diagnosis or treatment of sexual addictions, so I'll not go into that aspect of the problem. But, "What's wrong with me?" the women wondered. "Why am I not enough?" To other women who may be facing circumstances like theirs, I want to pass along a piece of wisdom I learned from one of the counselors. "This is not about you." You cannot be sweet enough, cute enough, glamorous enough to cure the situation because it's not about you. You may be feeling unworthy, terribly unlovely, and hopeless. You are not. You might work together as a couple with professionals who can assist you, but this is his problem and his choice whether to confront it honestly.
Don't forget—this is not about you.
Marjorie
Showing posts with label women's concerns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women's concerns. Show all posts
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Home Schooling
The modern home-schooling movement began in the seventies and eighties when parents and some educators began to question the wisdom of the conventional education system. Long before that, however, before there were compulsory attendance laws, children learned at home the basics of growing and gathering food, caring for livestock, using tools, and making clothing. When they could be spared from house and field, they might spend brief periods under the tutelage of a parent or older sibling or a young woman in the community (single, of course) who knew readin', 'ritin', and 'rithmetic.
Whether we attended a public school or a private one, or whether we were taught by a tutor or parent at home, almost all of us have had "home-schooling." From early centuries until the present, we've been home-schooled in many things besides the three R's. (Only a few children have virtually raised themselves, like Topsy in Uncle Tom's Cabin who just "growed.") We learned the value of hard work—or not. We learned to respect the rights of others—or not. We learned honesty, loyalty, and faith in God—or not. We may have learned that there is money for booze but not shoes. We may have learned that crime does indeed pay—at least, in the short term. We may have learned that adults get their way by yelling, that a murmur of protest earns a smack in the face, and that no reason at all may bring on enraged blows. We may have learned that children don't count and, in particular, that girls don't count. We may have learned that the name of God precedes curses that make us feel small and weak and unloved.
Some things must be un-learned. Is there some word that you consistently find it difficult to spell because you did not learn it correctly in the first place? Do you split infinitives or dangle participles because no one taught you not to? (We also are not supposed to end sentences with prepositions, did you notice?) Are there certain number combinations that tend to trip you? Then you will find that you must pay attention to un-learning those mistaken lessons.
The same may be true of "home schooling." Not everything we learned from our elders is right just because they said so. Not everything is best practice just because it is what they did. Now that we are adults, making choices of our own, we must decide if what we learned back then is true and right. Is honesty really the best—or perhaps only—policy? Do nice guys, and girls, always finish last? Am I significant? Can people be trusted? Can God?
Where do we find the truth?
- First of all, in what God says about us and how He says to live, described for us in the Scriptures. And then—not in order of their importance, which only the learner can determine—other places may be:
- People whose lives demonstrate purpose and meaning, who know how to make relationships work—listening to them, asking questions.
- Information sources such as books, articles, and recorded presentations.
- Personal consultation/counseling which serve to give insight.
This is probably no longer "home" schooling. It is "advanced education" from which we never graduate.
Fortunately!
Marjorie
Sunday, April 11, 2010
But He Never Hit Me
Again, because of its relevance to women, I am publishing an entry which appeared previously on "Finding the Faith Way, January 8, 2009.
I am deeply troubled by the uneasiness I perceive when some women are with the men to whom they are attached by law or by love. Some of them I know well, and they are not these same cautious individuals when they are “on their own.” Others I see only as I shop or work on the job or attend church, but their discomfort is obvious even in public. I have to wonder if he is beating her—not with his fists, but with words and actions and attitudes that bruise her inner person.
The preferred form of abuse used by "good" men, even Christian men, seems to be whatever doesn't show. So they are unlikely to knock out a woman’s teeth or give her a black eye since that would be too obvious. And they certainly don’t want her calling the police or going to the emergency room. But all the same, many women in churched homes are repeatedly subjected to other forms of abuse: verbal attacks, emotional wounds, financial tyrrany, demeaning sexual behavior. "But he never hit me," does not make it okay.
►Some women do not recognize these actions as abuse. “Abuse” means bruises and broken bones and blood—doesn’t it? “Abuse” is something that happens in other homes not influenced by God and the Church—isn’t it? Many women brought up in the first half of the twentieth century believed that they must be subject to their husbands (and deferential to all males, for that matter) for much the same reason that Europeans accepted the “Divine Right of Kings” hundreds of years ago: "The right to rule comes directly from God, and the ruler is accountable to Him alone.” If these women have had religious instruction that is extremely conservative, they may be especially susceptible to abuse, believing they must learn to accept this mistreatment as “God’s will” for them. It is not.
►Other women accept abuse because it corroborates what they deeply feel they are worth. They may have felt their inadequacy as little girls who did not have the same acceptance and opportunities as boys. Perhaps the women they saw as role models were quiet and servile in relation to the men around them. These girls may have experienced shame as they matured into desirable young women and someone they trusted took advantage of them. With their self-esteem already damaged, they are open to believing they must learn to accept mistreatment as what they “deserve.” They do not.
►Still other women accept abuse because they grew up trusting others to be as kind and helpful as they themselves are. They are caught off-guard by someone who sees their good nature as a point of weakness and now uses it selfishly or even cruelly. The usual marriage counseling is unlikely to “fix” the problem; probably both parties will need to seek professional help from someone experienced in dealing with abusers—and with those who tolerate it. “But he loves me, and he will change.” Probably he will not.
A pattern of hurtful words and actions, even in a Christian home, can constitute abuse. The abuser does not call it that since he may think, “I’m just putting her in her place,” or “I am ruling over my household,” or “She is supposed to submit to me.” And sadly, the victim may not call it abuse either, convinced that, “If I object, he’ll be angry,” or “I don’t really have anything to say because he is the head of the home,” or “I know wives are supposed to be submissive to their husbands.” This is a distorted view of the Biblical injunction to submit to one another. Because the man usually is the stronger physically, probably is capable of more volume, and may have more experience in positions of authority, he imposes his own will on the wife he is commanded to love as Christ loves the Church. Her wishes and well-being are not considered or respected on the basis of the authority he supposes has been assigned to him. He chooses to believe a few selected portions of Scripture to the exclusion of all the rest of New Testament teaching.
One should not suppose that because the abuse does not directly injure the body that it causes no physical harm. Ask the woman who cannot concentrate, who is constantly on guard or is “jumpy” and easily startled. Ask the one who stares at the ceiling instead of sleeping, who has disturbing dreams when she does drift off. Ask the one who has chest pains or stomachaches at the end of every work day (when it’s time for her to go home or for him to come home). No physical harm? Her body may be saying, “I am going to tell you in no uncertain terms that something is wrong.”
In 490 BC, the Greek historian Herodotus described an Athenian solider who had not suffered personal battle injury but became permanently blind after witnessing the death of a fellow soldier. In our own history, we have spoken of "shell shock" or "battle fatigue" associated with war. Today we would call that post-traumatic stress disorder, a term coined in the mid-seventies and now recognized as a diagnosable condition, often needing treatment. A number of practitioners include not only single traumatic events as the precursor of PTSD but also prolonged, repeated, significant stressors. This is not to equate the “battle” at home with the mortal danger of warfare; I simply call attention to the fact that serious physical harm can also result from well-aimed verbal missiles.
Even though “He never hit me.”
Marjorie
I am deeply troubled by the uneasiness I perceive when some women are with the men to whom they are attached by law or by love. Some of them I know well, and they are not these same cautious individuals when they are “on their own.” Others I see only as I shop or work on the job or attend church, but their discomfort is obvious even in public. I have to wonder if he is beating her—not with his fists, but with words and actions and attitudes that bruise her inner person.
The preferred form of abuse used by "good" men, even Christian men, seems to be whatever doesn't show. So they are unlikely to knock out a woman’s teeth or give her a black eye since that would be too obvious. And they certainly don’t want her calling the police or going to the emergency room. But all the same, many women in churched homes are repeatedly subjected to other forms of abuse: verbal attacks, emotional wounds, financial tyrrany, demeaning sexual behavior. "But he never hit me," does not make it okay.
►Some women do not recognize these actions as abuse. “Abuse” means bruises and broken bones and blood—doesn’t it? “Abuse” is something that happens in other homes not influenced by God and the Church—isn’t it? Many women brought up in the first half of the twentieth century believed that they must be subject to their husbands (and deferential to all males, for that matter) for much the same reason that Europeans accepted the “Divine Right of Kings” hundreds of years ago: "The right to rule comes directly from God, and the ruler is accountable to Him alone.” If these women have had religious instruction that is extremely conservative, they may be especially susceptible to abuse, believing they must learn to accept this mistreatment as “God’s will” for them. It is not.
►Other women accept abuse because it corroborates what they deeply feel they are worth. They may have felt their inadequacy as little girls who did not have the same acceptance and opportunities as boys. Perhaps the women they saw as role models were quiet and servile in relation to the men around them. These girls may have experienced shame as they matured into desirable young women and someone they trusted took advantage of them. With their self-esteem already damaged, they are open to believing they must learn to accept mistreatment as what they “deserve.” They do not.
►Still other women accept abuse because they grew up trusting others to be as kind and helpful as they themselves are. They are caught off-guard by someone who sees their good nature as a point of weakness and now uses it selfishly or even cruelly. The usual marriage counseling is unlikely to “fix” the problem; probably both parties will need to seek professional help from someone experienced in dealing with abusers—and with those who tolerate it. “But he loves me, and he will change.” Probably he will not.
A pattern of hurtful words and actions, even in a Christian home, can constitute abuse. The abuser does not call it that since he may think, “I’m just putting her in her place,” or “I am ruling over my household,” or “She is supposed to submit to me.” And sadly, the victim may not call it abuse either, convinced that, “If I object, he’ll be angry,” or “I don’t really have anything to say because he is the head of the home,” or “I know wives are supposed to be submissive to their husbands.” This is a distorted view of the Biblical injunction to submit to one another. Because the man usually is the stronger physically, probably is capable of more volume, and may have more experience in positions of authority, he imposes his own will on the wife he is commanded to love as Christ loves the Church. Her wishes and well-being are not considered or respected on the basis of the authority he supposes has been assigned to him. He chooses to believe a few selected portions of Scripture to the exclusion of all the rest of New Testament teaching.
One should not suppose that because the abuse does not directly injure the body that it causes no physical harm. Ask the woman who cannot concentrate, who is constantly on guard or is “jumpy” and easily startled. Ask the one who stares at the ceiling instead of sleeping, who has disturbing dreams when she does drift off. Ask the one who has chest pains or stomachaches at the end of every work day (when it’s time for her to go home or for him to come home). No physical harm? Her body may be saying, “I am going to tell you in no uncertain terms that something is wrong.”
In 490 BC, the Greek historian Herodotus described an Athenian solider who had not suffered personal battle injury but became permanently blind after witnessing the death of a fellow soldier. In our own history, we have spoken of "shell shock" or "battle fatigue" associated with war. Today we would call that post-traumatic stress disorder, a term coined in the mid-seventies and now recognized as a diagnosable condition, often needing treatment. A number of practitioners include not only single traumatic events as the precursor of PTSD but also prolonged, repeated, significant stressors. This is not to equate the “battle” at home with the mortal danger of warfare; I simply call attention to the fact that serious physical harm can also result from well-aimed verbal missiles.
Even though “He never hit me.”
Marjorie
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Bruises
Acting again on my sense of responsibility to women in troubled situations, I am publishing today a post which first appeared on July 22, 2008, as an entry on my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way." Because of its relevance to women in particular, I have moved it to this location.
The other day when shopping, I was helped by a clerk who had a large, very discolored bruise around one eye. Now even though we care when others are hurting, polite folk just don’t say, “Oh, I’m so sorry. What happened?” So maybe she hit her head on the car door when she was buckling one of the children into the safety seat? Maybe she just had some kind of cosmetic surgery near her eye? Or maybe the baby kicked her when she was changing his diaper?
Probably not. Probably somebody hurt her.
I got to wondering why I have never, in all my lifetime of church attendance, seen a woman come to worship with a suspicious-looking black eye. One only has to read statistics to know that churched families aren’t immune to violence in the home. Perhaps it’s because there’s too much shame connected with abuse occurring in a “Christian” family. One or the other of the couple may have said, “I (or You) can’t go to church looking like this.”
More likely, though, the form of abuse these church-going men choose to inflict is something that doesn't show—no bruises, no black eyes, no knocked-out teeth, nothing that would send a woman to the emergency room. But many women in homes connected to the Church are abused repeatedly by verbal assaults, emotional withholding or emotional terrorism, financial vise-grips, or humiliating sexual behavior. "But he never hit me," is no excuse for the equally—or perhaps greater—damaging trauma of this invisible abuse.
The average onlooker might wonder, "Why does she take it? Why doesn't she just get out?" The reasons are many. "I have no money." "I'll stay for the children." "I'm afraid to live alone." "I promised till death do us part." But the underlying reason is often hidden more deeply than that: she does not realize what is happening.
We might question, "How could she not know?" One reason is this: Many women, particularly those who are now middle-aged or older, have been "brain-washed" by the patriarchal society that still exists in many branches of the Church. Abuse, these women believe, is something awful that can happen in homes—always other homes—where an alcoholic beats up his wife and children. Abuse is inflicted by wicked men; it might occur in worldly homes, but certainly not Christian ones. Abuse results in bruises, black eyes, knocked-out teeth, and trips to the ER, doesn’t it?
But this is not true. Abuse is also treatment that damages the other’s personhood: lies, vicious words and mean or dismissive attitudes. There are no visible bruises or cuts, only deep heart wounds caused by pounding blows of anger and scorn that crush the woman's hope for love and understanding, words that slash her fragile belief in herself as a worthwhile person. She takes it silently, shamefully, because it reinforces what she already believes about herself. She may have been taught—or caught on—in her parental home that little girls do not matter. In the effort to teach courtesy and respect, damage may have been done inadvertently by insisting that children be seen and not heard. She may have misunderstood her father's need to teach his sons "manly" sorts of things, and she felt there was favoritism, whether or not that really existed. She may have heard regularly, "Just wait until your father gets home," with the implication that her mother, being a woman, could not adequately handle difficulty. Family members or acquaintances who took indecent liberties with the child and made her keep their "little secret," teachers who always asked the boys to take charge of the playground activities, the rule that said only men got to have the interesting jobs—all these experiences reinforced the idea that girls don't count.
And when the quiet, compliant child grows up? She becomes a silently compliant woman. Try as she might, she cannot please her husband; this is no fault of hers—he simply chooses to be dissatisfied with whatever she does. He can cut her down to size with sharp criticism, bully her with unreasonable demands, and treat her opinions with scorn, but if she objects or tries to explain how hurt she is, he responds with, "Get over it!", "You're just too sensitive," or "Do you know what a godly wife would do?" His rule over her does not come from a true understanding of his place in the home, nor is it authorized by God. His "power" comes from his size, his sheer volume, or the impact of his repeated behavior. She still doesn't matter.
Why would a man, especially a Christian man, abuse the companion he has promised to cherish and protect? In all likelihood, he is addicted, perhaps not to drugs or alcohol, but just as dependent for a "high" as the substance abuser. He may be addicted to rage, convinced that he is a victim of his family or the legal system or the job market or even the Church. Because he is a victim and has been hurt, he has the desire and the "right" to hurt other people. Or he may be addicted to fear: someone, somewhere—maybe even his wife—will take advantage of him, abandon him, or reveal him as a fake so he will get to that dangerous person first, with a display of his authority. He may be addicted to the feeling of power he gets from his selfish control. Whatever the motivating factor, the continuing abuser will almost certainly not quit on his own. Yes, there are miracles; for example, God delivers some alcoholics instantly, and they never touch another drop. But many substance abusers have to get some help on a personal basis. And so, in almost every case, does the domestic abuser. "Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." (Romans 12:2 NLT) Without this basic change, there is little hope for a change in the behavior at home.
Marjorie
The other day when shopping, I was helped by a clerk who had a large, very discolored bruise around one eye. Now even though we care when others are hurting, polite folk just don’t say, “Oh, I’m so sorry. What happened?” So maybe she hit her head on the car door when she was buckling one of the children into the safety seat? Maybe she just had some kind of cosmetic surgery near her eye? Or maybe the baby kicked her when she was changing his diaper?
Probably not. Probably somebody hurt her.
I got to wondering why I have never, in all my lifetime of church attendance, seen a woman come to worship with a suspicious-looking black eye. One only has to read statistics to know that churched families aren’t immune to violence in the home. Perhaps it’s because there’s too much shame connected with abuse occurring in a “Christian” family. One or the other of the couple may have said, “I (or You) can’t go to church looking like this.”
More likely, though, the form of abuse these church-going men choose to inflict is something that doesn't show—no bruises, no black eyes, no knocked-out teeth, nothing that would send a woman to the emergency room. But many women in homes connected to the Church are abused repeatedly by verbal assaults, emotional withholding or emotional terrorism, financial vise-grips, or humiliating sexual behavior. "But he never hit me," is no excuse for the equally—or perhaps greater—damaging trauma of this invisible abuse.
The average onlooker might wonder, "Why does she take it? Why doesn't she just get out?" The reasons are many. "I have no money." "I'll stay for the children." "I'm afraid to live alone." "I promised till death do us part." But the underlying reason is often hidden more deeply than that: she does not realize what is happening.
We might question, "How could she not know?" One reason is this: Many women, particularly those who are now middle-aged or older, have been "brain-washed" by the patriarchal society that still exists in many branches of the Church. Abuse, these women believe, is something awful that can happen in homes—always other homes—where an alcoholic beats up his wife and children. Abuse is inflicted by wicked men; it might occur in worldly homes, but certainly not Christian ones. Abuse results in bruises, black eyes, knocked-out teeth, and trips to the ER, doesn’t it?
But this is not true. Abuse is also treatment that damages the other’s personhood: lies, vicious words and mean or dismissive attitudes. There are no visible bruises or cuts, only deep heart wounds caused by pounding blows of anger and scorn that crush the woman's hope for love and understanding, words that slash her fragile belief in herself as a worthwhile person. She takes it silently, shamefully, because it reinforces what she already believes about herself. She may have been taught—or caught on—in her parental home that little girls do not matter. In the effort to teach courtesy and respect, damage may have been done inadvertently by insisting that children be seen and not heard. She may have misunderstood her father's need to teach his sons "manly" sorts of things, and she felt there was favoritism, whether or not that really existed. She may have heard regularly, "Just wait until your father gets home," with the implication that her mother, being a woman, could not adequately handle difficulty. Family members or acquaintances who took indecent liberties with the child and made her keep their "little secret," teachers who always asked the boys to take charge of the playground activities, the rule that said only men got to have the interesting jobs—all these experiences reinforced the idea that girls don't count.
And when the quiet, compliant child grows up? She becomes a silently compliant woman. Try as she might, she cannot please her husband; this is no fault of hers—he simply chooses to be dissatisfied with whatever she does. He can cut her down to size with sharp criticism, bully her with unreasonable demands, and treat her opinions with scorn, but if she objects or tries to explain how hurt she is, he responds with, "Get over it!", "You're just too sensitive," or "Do you know what a godly wife would do?" His rule over her does not come from a true understanding of his place in the home, nor is it authorized by God. His "power" comes from his size, his sheer volume, or the impact of his repeated behavior. She still doesn't matter.
Why would a man, especially a Christian man, abuse the companion he has promised to cherish and protect? In all likelihood, he is addicted, perhaps not to drugs or alcohol, but just as dependent for a "high" as the substance abuser. He may be addicted to rage, convinced that he is a victim of his family or the legal system or the job market or even the Church. Because he is a victim and has been hurt, he has the desire and the "right" to hurt other people. Or he may be addicted to fear: someone, somewhere—maybe even his wife—will take advantage of him, abandon him, or reveal him as a fake so he will get to that dangerous person first, with a display of his authority. He may be addicted to the feeling of power he gets from his selfish control. Whatever the motivating factor, the continuing abuser will almost certainly not quit on his own. Yes, there are miracles; for example, God delivers some alcoholics instantly, and they never touch another drop. But many substance abusers have to get some help on a personal basis. And so, in almost every case, does the domestic abuser. "Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." (Romans 12:2 NLT) Without this basic change, there is little hope for a change in the behavior at home.
Marjorie
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tell
When I began writing this blog, I promised myself that I would address not only the ordinary issues that Christian women face but also the tragedies that some are living. This post first appeared on November 20, 2008, as an entry on my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way." Because of its relevance to women in particular, I have moved it to this location.
"When a tree falls in a lonely forest, and no animal is near by (sic) to hear it, does it make a sound?" Readers of a 1910 physics book pondered the question, so this philosophical riddle has been around for a long time. (Wikiquote) Of course, the answer depends on our definition of sound. If we mean the frequency of vibrations caused by one thing striking another, yes, it makes a sound. If we mean these vibrations striking a hearing organ and messages being sent to a brain, no, it does not. So there is not one answer; it all depends on how you look at it.
I know women—it can be men too, but it is more often women—who silently suffer abuse in their homes. “No one is around to hear it.” Rarely do I see evidence of physical battering; that’s just too obvious. But they are victims of “stealth” abusers; you would have to live in their house to witness the abuse. Here are some examples:
A pattern of lying, insults, ignoring, manipulation, criticism, intentional irritation, devaluation, threats, humiliation, coercion, name-calling, intimidation.
More? A pattern of sadistic humor, sexual objectification, punishment, unreasonable expectations, a purposely-created atmosphere of fear and unpredictability.
And then there is control. A pattern of arbitrarily determining how much one can spend and on what, where one can go, how many miles you can drive, when you must return, whom you can see, what you should wear, how you are to sit, eat, talk, and stand, when you can sleep.
This is not an exclusive list, for there are many more creative ways to abuse than I have mentioned here. Because there are no bruises, many women (and men too) feel they really shouldn’t make a fuss about it, and anyway, if I don’t think too much about it, can it really be happening? “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
Now everybody gets up on the wrong side of bed once in awhile. Everyone has a tough day now and then and becomes irritable. That’s not what this is about. We are considering here a pattern of behavior with the characteristics outlined above. How does a person get into a situation like this? It is the rare person who would marry someone they knew would be abusive. A common way is this: the would-be abuser has learned by observation and practice to make his/her actions appear normal—perhaps even better than normal. They are attractive, charming, devout certainly, smart probably, guaranteed (by their own good word!) to be trustworthy. They can keep up this for some extended periods of time, i.e. while they work, go to church, relax at a ball game, or take a date to dinner. But in a long-term 24/7 relationship, the need to hide what they really hold inside—anger, fear, self-hate, or whatever—is too great a strain. They find it impossible to maintain their pretense of stability, and the true self comes rushing to the surface.
The outburst, whether all at once or in increments that lead to an alarming conclusion, usually comes as a huge surprise to the “victim.” The loving, charming person you fell in love with suddenly becomes someone you do not even know. Having invested a great deal of love and trust and commitment yourself, you assume that your loved one is ready to make the same sacrifices in order for the relationship to thrive. It is shocking and terribly confusing to discover that this is not true.
“Maybe I’m expecting too much,” you think. “She is just tired.” “He has a lot on his mind lately.” “He said he wouldn’t do it again.” “She begged for another chance.” And yet . . . and yet . . . if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it not make any sound? Does pretending nothing is happening mean that nothing is?
I know of no better way for you to help yourself or someone you know in such a situation than to talk with someone. Tell. That is hard, for you or your friend genuinely love the difficult person. It is not with the intent to punish or harm the other, but to gain clarity, to see with a less-narrow perspective. You have to tell. Very few victims can see clearly enough to help themselves. You must, though, choose your confidante with care; few family members or neighbors and not even all clergypersons are suited to counsel a person about domestic abuse.
Usually the best place to begin is with a confidential call to your local crisis center. The dedicated volunteers there, many of whom have experienced what you are experiencing, will know what to do. They have heard everything and will be kind to you, and they have access to the trained professionals you may need. (But if you are in an immediate situation of physical abuse, call the police.)
Hidden things have great power over us. This is not to say that everything is to be shared indiscriminately—even though that might feel good! The only way to deal with the sheer unbelievability of the situation is to come to terms with what is, in fact, reality. Telling does not make things worse; it helps make them real so that you can rationally determine the course of action to be taken. Don’t be silent, for if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does that mean it didn’t make a sound?
A related article: "Bruises" (here)
Marjorie
"When a tree falls in a lonely forest, and no animal is near by (sic) to hear it, does it make a sound?" Readers of a 1910 physics book pondered the question, so this philosophical riddle has been around for a long time. (Wikiquote) Of course, the answer depends on our definition of sound. If we mean the frequency of vibrations caused by one thing striking another, yes, it makes a sound. If we mean these vibrations striking a hearing organ and messages being sent to a brain, no, it does not. So there is not one answer; it all depends on how you look at it.
I know women—it can be men too, but it is more often women—who silently suffer abuse in their homes. “No one is around to hear it.” Rarely do I see evidence of physical battering; that’s just too obvious. But they are victims of “stealth” abusers; you would have to live in their house to witness the abuse. Here are some examples:
A pattern of lying, insults, ignoring, manipulation, criticism, intentional irritation, devaluation, threats, humiliation, coercion, name-calling, intimidation.
More? A pattern of sadistic humor, sexual objectification, punishment, unreasonable expectations, a purposely-created atmosphere of fear and unpredictability.
And then there is control. A pattern of arbitrarily determining how much one can spend and on what, where one can go, how many miles you can drive, when you must return, whom you can see, what you should wear, how you are to sit, eat, talk, and stand, when you can sleep.
This is not an exclusive list, for there are many more creative ways to abuse than I have mentioned here. Because there are no bruises, many women (and men too) feel they really shouldn’t make a fuss about it, and anyway, if I don’t think too much about it, can it really be happening? “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
Now everybody gets up on the wrong side of bed once in awhile. Everyone has a tough day now and then and becomes irritable. That’s not what this is about. We are considering here a pattern of behavior with the characteristics outlined above. How does a person get into a situation like this? It is the rare person who would marry someone they knew would be abusive. A common way is this: the would-be abuser has learned by observation and practice to make his/her actions appear normal—perhaps even better than normal. They are attractive, charming, devout certainly, smart probably, guaranteed (by their own good word!) to be trustworthy. They can keep up this for some extended periods of time, i.e. while they work, go to church, relax at a ball game, or take a date to dinner. But in a long-term 24/7 relationship, the need to hide what they really hold inside—anger, fear, self-hate, or whatever—is too great a strain. They find it impossible to maintain their pretense of stability, and the true self comes rushing to the surface.
The outburst, whether all at once or in increments that lead to an alarming conclusion, usually comes as a huge surprise to the “victim.” The loving, charming person you fell in love with suddenly becomes someone you do not even know. Having invested a great deal of love and trust and commitment yourself, you assume that your loved one is ready to make the same sacrifices in order for the relationship to thrive. It is shocking and terribly confusing to discover that this is not true.
“Maybe I’m expecting too much,” you think. “She is just tired.” “He has a lot on his mind lately.” “He said he wouldn’t do it again.” “She begged for another chance.” And yet . . . and yet . . . if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it not make any sound? Does pretending nothing is happening mean that nothing is?
I know of no better way for you to help yourself or someone you know in such a situation than to talk with someone. Tell. That is hard, for you or your friend genuinely love the difficult person. It is not with the intent to punish or harm the other, but to gain clarity, to see with a less-narrow perspective. You have to tell. Very few victims can see clearly enough to help themselves. You must, though, choose your confidante with care; few family members or neighbors and not even all clergypersons are suited to counsel a person about domestic abuse.
Usually the best place to begin is with a confidential call to your local crisis center. The dedicated volunteers there, many of whom have experienced what you are experiencing, will know what to do. They have heard everything and will be kind to you, and they have access to the trained professionals you may need. (But if you are in an immediate situation of physical abuse, call the police.)
Hidden things have great power over us. This is not to say that everything is to be shared indiscriminately—even though that might feel good! The only way to deal with the sheer unbelievability of the situation is to come to terms with what is, in fact, reality. Telling does not make things worse; it helps make them real so that you can rationally determine the course of action to be taken. Don’t be silent, for if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does that mean it didn’t make a sound?
A related article: "Bruises" (here)
Marjorie
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Phantom Pain
Surgeons have known for a long time about phantom pain. Phantom limb syndrome was first described in 1552 by French surgeon Ambroise Paré, who operated on wounded soldiers and wrote about patients who complained of pain in amputated limbs. Even that long ago, he thought, as doctors do today, that the pain originated in the brain, which is contrary to the popular misconception that phantom pain is in the sensory nerve endings.
Other kinds of trauma also may produce an aftereffect something like the pain that seems to come from the body part that isn't there. A very frightening experience such as living through a destructive earthquake or tornado may cause recurring fear; if a heavy truck makes the house shake as it rumbles by, the person has an instinctive response of panic. A survivor of a terrible accident may relive over and over again the awful moments when they were trapped inside their burning car. Even when she can clearly see that the event is not happening again, the impression on mind and body is as real as if it were.
Women who have suffered emotional devastation—rape, battering, emotional abuse, abandonment by the one they trusted, impoverishment—may feel recurrent pain even if their ordeal ends. Is that so strange? A thoughtless person might say of this lingering pain, "Well, it's just all in her head," and technically, that would be correct. This pain, too, emanates from the brain, but it is as real as that which seems to come from a limb that is no longer attached to the body. She may, for a very long time, think of the one who so deeply hurt her as if he's only in the next room. The pain and uncertainty and fear are as real as they ever were.
Researchers are working on treatment for pain from phantom limbs. There is help for persons suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (the suffering after shattering events). And release can eventually come after the pain of emotional trauma too, from a number of sources. A woman can speak to herself, "It's over. I am safe now." Loving friends can reassure her. Mental health professionals know how to help. With all of these, we still acknowledge that God is the ultimate Healer. Even Paré himself said, "I dressed his wound, God healed him."
Jesus declared, "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Luke 4:17-19)
Marjorie
You may also like "Getting Over It" here.
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Info about phantom pain and treatment from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/01/070118-phantom-limb.html
Other kinds of trauma also may produce an aftereffect something like the pain that seems to come from the body part that isn't there. A very frightening experience such as living through a destructive earthquake or tornado may cause recurring fear; if a heavy truck makes the house shake as it rumbles by, the person has an instinctive response of panic. A survivor of a terrible accident may relive over and over again the awful moments when they were trapped inside their burning car. Even when she can clearly see that the event is not happening again, the impression on mind and body is as real as if it were.
Women who have suffered emotional devastation—rape, battering, emotional abuse, abandonment by the one they trusted, impoverishment—may feel recurrent pain even if their ordeal ends. Is that so strange? A thoughtless person might say of this lingering pain, "Well, it's just all in her head," and technically, that would be correct. This pain, too, emanates from the brain, but it is as real as that which seems to come from a limb that is no longer attached to the body. She may, for a very long time, think of the one who so deeply hurt her as if he's only in the next room. The pain and uncertainty and fear are as real as they ever were.
Researchers are working on treatment for pain from phantom limbs. There is help for persons suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (the suffering after shattering events). And release can eventually come after the pain of emotional trauma too, from a number of sources. A woman can speak to herself, "It's over. I am safe now." Loving friends can reassure her. Mental health professionals know how to help. With all of these, we still acknowledge that God is the ultimate Healer. Even Paré himself said, "I dressed his wound, God healed him."
Jesus declared, "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Luke 4:17-19)
Marjorie
You may also like "Getting Over It" here.
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Info about phantom pain and treatment from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/01/070118-phantom-limb.html
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
What Price Cleverness?
Some people have an incredible need to show off, to create shock, or to be considered funny. It can start very early, as most parents know. The youngster, sans diaper, prances through the living room where company is sitting. The college student takes distinct pleasure in rattling the professor with some inane question. The jokester always tops the last story.
Several incidents coming to my attention recently have reminded me of this. A singer/stand-up comedian made several insensitive, even vulgar, comments in an interview. Facing the ensuing firestorm, he apologized at length, very publicly, saying that in his quest to be clever, he completely forgot the people that he loved and that loved him. Thinking that if he could just continue to pull together fast witty phrases, he would be clever enough that no one would pull him up short for his bratty behavior. He was wrong.
The leader of a women's group contacted the husbands or sweethearts of some of the women and asked them to write a letter of love and affirmation to their loved one. These were to be sent to the leader ahead of time, and the women would open their letters at the meeting. A few letters were read aloud, with touching sentiments of appreciation and devotion. But one woman's letter said, "You are more precious to me than a tree full of sparrows, more fun than a basketball, and I wouldn't trade you for a truckload of turkeys!" Clever? Maybe for fifth grade.
This happened awhile ago, but I ran across a video connected to another story. The comedy site is meant to appeal to college students—and maybe that's why I didn't find it hilarious. A prankster arranged to have a fake marriage proposal displayed on the JumboTron during a game at Yankee Stadium. The supposed husband-to-be and the young woman accompanying him were not amused. His bewilderment was real and so were the couple of slaps she gave him before she stomped off. People, perhaps especially women, take marriage proposals seriously and don't want it to be a joke in front of thousands of people. Was it really that funny? (Even the perpetrator said afterwards, "I'm feeling kind of bad.")
If you are the one trying to be clever, be very careful that your performance is not at the cost of someone else. If someone is hurting you by trying to be clever, tell them how you feel and ask them to stop.
If one's words have substance, they don't need to be surrounded with pretense.
Marjorie
Several incidents coming to my attention recently have reminded me of this. A singer/stand-up comedian made several insensitive, even vulgar, comments in an interview. Facing the ensuing firestorm, he apologized at length, very publicly, saying that in his quest to be clever, he completely forgot the people that he loved and that loved him. Thinking that if he could just continue to pull together fast witty phrases, he would be clever enough that no one would pull him up short for his bratty behavior. He was wrong.
The leader of a women's group contacted the husbands or sweethearts of some of the women and asked them to write a letter of love and affirmation to their loved one. These were to be sent to the leader ahead of time, and the women would open their letters at the meeting. A few letters were read aloud, with touching sentiments of appreciation and devotion. But one woman's letter said, "You are more precious to me than a tree full of sparrows, more fun than a basketball, and I wouldn't trade you for a truckload of turkeys!" Clever? Maybe for fifth grade.
This happened awhile ago, but I ran across a video connected to another story. The comedy site is meant to appeal to college students—and maybe that's why I didn't find it hilarious. A prankster arranged to have a fake marriage proposal displayed on the JumboTron during a game at Yankee Stadium. The supposed husband-to-be and the young woman accompanying him were not amused. His bewilderment was real and so were the couple of slaps she gave him before she stomped off. People, perhaps especially women, take marriage proposals seriously and don't want it to be a joke in front of thousands of people. Was it really that funny? (Even the perpetrator said afterwards, "I'm feeling kind of bad.")
If you are the one trying to be clever, be very careful that your performance is not at the cost of someone else. If someone is hurting you by trying to be clever, tell them how you feel and ask them to stop.
If one's words have substance, they don't need to be surrounded with pretense.
Marjorie
Monday, November 23, 2009
A Helper
If it were not for the King James Bible, we probably wouldn't even have the word some people have chosen to use as the description of woman's place in the world. "And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.' " (Genesis 2:18) And I wouldn't have just read a book called "Created to Be His Help Meet." The author, Debi Pearl, and her husband have founded a ministry on their interpretation of Scriptures having to do with family and home. I read a great many different types of books: for education, enlightenment, edification, and entertainment. It necessarily follows that I'll run across those with which I cannot agree. This book is just such a book.
First of all, "help meet" is not a term God used for the woman He planned to make, and it is something of a mistake to call her that. This is more than mere semantics. "Meet," usually a verb, takes the form here of a modifier to describe the kind of help: one that was suitable for him, comparable to him, an appropriate counterpart. I am not a Hebrew scholar, but my reference books indicate that the word used implies similitude. She would be like him. Adam had just finished naming all the animals—quite a task!—and he surely must have noted that all the living creatures had company with others that were similar, if not completely alike, in nature and habits. He alone was without a companion. He apparently was ready for verbal communication, calling out the name of each kind of animal, but they did not answer. We can assume that none had the power of speech except the Satan-serpent who was superior to all the rest. Eve was made "for" Adam for the same reason Adam was formed by God for Himself—for relationship. Although made from Adam's side, she too was in God's image.
The author says women are not partners with their husbands but were created to serve and satisfy him, and "God's ultimate goal for you is to meet your man's needs." In her role as a Titus 2 woman (the older women teaching the younger to love their husbands, be keepers at home, etc.), she lays out for women everywhere her description of a help meet, accompanied by Scriptures which, if followed, will assure a "glorious marriage." Apparently, when some women read this book, a fire is lighted in their hearts and they say, "Oh yes, I see! This is my calling!" If that is how one understands Scripture and the whole of God's plan—not just Genesis—then that is what she should live out. Serving a man does perhaps suit the gifts and temperaments of some women—and the men married to them.
But I submit that when others read, a different kind of fire is lighted in them and they say, "This is not us." (Note: not just me, but us.) Both readers are right. If both follow the path God has laid out for them, they do not need to make a pronouncement that encompasses every woman everywhere in every era. As I see it, the whole submission/silence/obedience issue is laid out along a continuum. It extends all the way from the non-person who is subsumed by her husband and the woman who lets herself be abused because she has no rights in her own personhood to the couple who see themselves as equals more alike than different, as true partners and companions. It is not up to me to decide where somebody else should be on that line of many points, and certainly not to declare that The Plan of God for Marriage looks the same for everybody.
The Proverbs 31 woman, long held as the ideal, probably nowadays is not seeking wool and flax for spinning; she does not dress in fine linen and purple, nor make garments and sashes to sell. Not having any maidservants, it is not necessary for her to make provision for them. She is not likely to be into real estate, buying and selling fields and vineyards. Those who hold this Scripture up as the standard will explain that we are not to take this old description literally, but are to use the principles therein. My point exactly. The wife may be a teacher or a waitress or a bank president, with a husband who is proud of her achievements and influence. He is not necessarily active in city government either; in fact, he may be the at-home parent with a grateful, wage-earning wife. I know a number of women who have/had a ministry calling even before marriage, and the husband-to-be pledged a supporting role, financially and spiritually. This is not being weak or effeminate. He is protecting and providing for more than just the woman he is asking to marry him; he is charged with some of the responsibility for her effectiveness in ministry as well
The Apostle Paul admonished wives' obedience so that the Gospel would not be shamed, but that was then. Those who try to lay the template of masterful husband/obedient wife on today's society are more apt to bring discredit to the Gospel, I think, than the couple who genuinely care for each other's welfare and don't pay a whole lot of attention to who is being "served" at any given time. (I actually know people like that!) It is no small thing to be a help or "helper," whether it happens to be the husband or wife. The Holy Spirit is a Helper, yet nowhere is He pictured as a servant to us or beneath us in any way simply because He is our helper. It is just as mistaken to consider the helping woman an inferior being who was created solely to serve a husband—or by extension, men in general.
Marjorie
First of all, "help meet" is not a term God used for the woman He planned to make, and it is something of a mistake to call her that. This is more than mere semantics. "Meet," usually a verb, takes the form here of a modifier to describe the kind of help: one that was suitable for him, comparable to him, an appropriate counterpart. I am not a Hebrew scholar, but my reference books indicate that the word used implies similitude. She would be like him. Adam had just finished naming all the animals—quite a task!—and he surely must have noted that all the living creatures had company with others that were similar, if not completely alike, in nature and habits. He alone was without a companion. He apparently was ready for verbal communication, calling out the name of each kind of animal, but they did not answer. We can assume that none had the power of speech except the Satan-serpent who was superior to all the rest. Eve was made "for" Adam for the same reason Adam was formed by God for Himself—for relationship. Although made from Adam's side, she too was in God's image.
The author says women are not partners with their husbands but were created to serve and satisfy him, and "God's ultimate goal for you is to meet your man's needs." In her role as a Titus 2 woman (the older women teaching the younger to love their husbands, be keepers at home, etc.), she lays out for women everywhere her description of a help meet, accompanied by Scriptures which, if followed, will assure a "glorious marriage." Apparently, when some women read this book, a fire is lighted in their hearts and they say, "Oh yes, I see! This is my calling!" If that is how one understands Scripture and the whole of God's plan—not just Genesis—then that is what she should live out. Serving a man does perhaps suit the gifts and temperaments of some women—and the men married to them.
But I submit that when others read, a different kind of fire is lighted in them and they say, "This is not us." (Note: not just me, but us.) Both readers are right. If both follow the path God has laid out for them, they do not need to make a pronouncement that encompasses every woman everywhere in every era. As I see it, the whole submission/silence/obedience issue is laid out along a continuum. It extends all the way from the non-person who is subsumed by her husband and the woman who lets herself be abused because she has no rights in her own personhood to the couple who see themselves as equals more alike than different, as true partners and companions. It is not up to me to decide where somebody else should be on that line of many points, and certainly not to declare that The Plan of God for Marriage looks the same for everybody.
The Proverbs 31 woman, long held as the ideal, probably nowadays is not seeking wool and flax for spinning; she does not dress in fine linen and purple, nor make garments and sashes to sell. Not having any maidservants, it is not necessary for her to make provision for them. She is not likely to be into real estate, buying and selling fields and vineyards. Those who hold this Scripture up as the standard will explain that we are not to take this old description literally, but are to use the principles therein. My point exactly. The wife may be a teacher or a waitress or a bank president, with a husband who is proud of her achievements and influence. He is not necessarily active in city government either; in fact, he may be the at-home parent with a grateful, wage-earning wife. I know a number of women who have/had a ministry calling even before marriage, and the husband-to-be pledged a supporting role, financially and spiritually. This is not being weak or effeminate. He is protecting and providing for more than just the woman he is asking to marry him; he is charged with some of the responsibility for her effectiveness in ministry as well
The Apostle Paul admonished wives' obedience so that the Gospel would not be shamed, but that was then. Those who try to lay the template of masterful husband/obedient wife on today's society are more apt to bring discredit to the Gospel, I think, than the couple who genuinely care for each other's welfare and don't pay a whole lot of attention to who is being "served" at any given time. (I actually know people like that!) It is no small thing to be a help or "helper," whether it happens to be the husband or wife. The Holy Spirit is a Helper, yet nowhere is He pictured as a servant to us or beneath us in any way simply because He is our helper. It is just as mistaken to consider the helping woman an inferior being who was created solely to serve a husband—or by extension, men in general.
Marjorie
Saturday, October 31, 2009
After You Say "I Can't"
Every once in awhile, I remind the class of adults that I teach on Sunday morning, that our time together is like a cafeteria. They can help themselves to whatever is good for them and leave the rest, but not to spit on something they don't like, because someone else will want it! I feel that way today as I write this post. Some readers will find it not applicable or perhaps even objectionable, but it is part of my job to "serve" it!
There are plenty of books, videos, and studies on after you say "I do," that is, take marriage vows. Some of these are from a specifically Christian viewpoint; others are written by secular counselors and others who just want to see marriages work.
What to Do After You Say I Do by Yvette Gavin
What to Do After You Say "I Do" by Marcus and Lori Goldman
Before and After You Say "I Do" by Perimeter Church and Randy Pope
After You Say I Do by Wes Roberts
Before (and After) We Say "I Do" by Nomi Whalen
After You Say "I Do" by H. Norman Wright
No one, as far as I can tell, has written a book on "After You Say I Can't." Yet there are many women—committed Christian women too—who are caught in situations that are not merely unhappy but also jeopardous to their wellbeing. They may have to say "I can't"—not because they are tired or disappointed or angry but because they should not continue as they are. Last winter, our church had several weeks of special concentration on prayer for congregational needs. Well over two hundred specific but anonymous requests were "nailed" to a huge wooden cross in front of the altar. Just short of ten percent of these were for troubled or broken marriages or for someone in or recovering from an abusive relationship.
I am not sure this is only a recent phenomenon. All through the years of my early Christian formation, I attended prayer meetings where people gave "unspoken requests." I thought at the time that a woman just didn't want to let everyone know that she had a painful ovarian cyst or that her hair was falling out. Now I understand that she may have been saying, "My husband is drinking too much" or "He slaps me sometimes."
I cannot agree with the idea of a covenant (a marriage) that must be kept regardless of what the other party does. Even God made conditions when He established a covenant relationship with His ancient followers. "If you listen to these regulations [the law given through Moses] and faithfully obey them, the Lord your God will keep his covenant of unfailing love with you, as he promised with an oath to your ancestors." (Deuteronomy 7:12 NLT) God said "If . . ." and some of the people eliminated themselves from the covenant. God does not look lightly on those who bash His plans. "And if I announce that I will plant and build up a certain nation or kingdom, but then that nation turns to evil and refuses to obey me, I will not bless it as I said I would." (Jeremiah 18:10, 11 NLT)
The new covenant in Christ has the same implications of faithful commitment. "But Jesus' priestly work far surpasses what these other priests do, since he's working from a far better plan. If the first plan—the old covenant—had worked out, a second wouldn't have been needed. But we know the first was found wanting, because God said, Heads up! The days are coming when I'll set up a new plan for dealing with Israel and Judah. I'll throw out the old plan I set up with their ancestors when I led them by the hand out of Egypt. They didn't keep their part of the bargain, so I looked away and let it go. This new plan I'm making with Israel isn't going to be written on paper, isn't going to be chiseled in stone; this time I'm writing out the plan in them, carving it on the lining of their hearts. I'll be their God, they'll be my people . . . They'll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean. By coming up with a new plan, a new covenant between God and his people, God put the old plan on the shelf. And there it stays, gathering dust." (Hebrews 8:6-13 MSG) And still, people every day are eliminating themselves from New Covenant blessings by simply choosing not to participate in it. Covenants have conditions.
What about the "sacred vows" we make? When weddings began, back in early Jewish history, they did not contain vows as we think of them today. The wedding contract was read or recited and that constituted the couple's promises to one another. Even before that, men just "took" wives; when they claimed young virgins, the fact was established. The vows with "love, cherish, and obey" (for the bride only!) date back to the 1500s, beginning with the Book of Common Prayer used by the Anglican Church. After nearly four hundred years, the Episcopal Church removed the word "obey" from the bride's part of the vows. "Obey" was often misunderstood anyway; it has no connection with one partner being subservient to the other. Coming from the Latin root word "audire," it means to listen and hear, and is related to our word "audience." The vows as we know them are simply tradition; there is no legal or Biblical requirement that they actually be exchanged in a wedding ceremony. We imply a mutual bond of trust—and wouldn't that include listening deeply?
So let's consider the ideal that many people hold: marriage is a covenant that cannot be broken. Certainly that is the ideal, but realistically we recognize that not everyone attains it. The divorce rate in the general population continues to hover around fifty percent; the rate in the Church is about the same. Many churches define narrowly the acceptable (and Scriptural, they say) reasons for divorce: sexual sin outside the marriage, and the desertion of a believing spouse by an unbelieving partner. Some would also include abandonment (literal or in spirit) by a partner living in such a state of unrepentant sin as cause him/her to be viewed as an unbeliever in the eyes of the Lord and the Church.
But "God hates divorce!" is the argument from the Scripture itself. Indeed He does, but we have usually failed to read the rest of the passage. "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel, 'and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,' says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith." (Malachi 2:15, 16 NIV)
Divorce is, of course, not the only option. "Genny's Story," which I shared earlier, addresses the issue. You can read that [here]. Don't say "I can't" too soon if your partner has indeed broken faith. You may very well want to know at some later point, if/when self-doubt arises, that you did everything you could. Feelings change, but what you have done does not. You'll be able to assure yourself, regardless of how you feel at that later time, that you did the best you could in this crisis of decision. Don't say "I can't" too soon, but when it must be said, say it.
Marjorie
Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotation marked NIV is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
There are plenty of books, videos, and studies on after you say "I do," that is, take marriage vows. Some of these are from a specifically Christian viewpoint; others are written by secular counselors and others who just want to see marriages work.
What to Do After You Say I Do by Yvette Gavin
What to Do After You Say "I Do" by Marcus and Lori Goldman
Before and After You Say "I Do" by Perimeter Church and Randy Pope
After You Say I Do by Wes Roberts
Before (and After) We Say "I Do" by Nomi Whalen
After You Say "I Do" by H. Norman Wright
No one, as far as I can tell, has written a book on "After You Say I Can't." Yet there are many women—committed Christian women too—who are caught in situations that are not merely unhappy but also jeopardous to their wellbeing. They may have to say "I can't"—not because they are tired or disappointed or angry but because they should not continue as they are. Last winter, our church had several weeks of special concentration on prayer for congregational needs. Well over two hundred specific but anonymous requests were "nailed" to a huge wooden cross in front of the altar. Just short of ten percent of these were for troubled or broken marriages or for someone in or recovering from an abusive relationship.
I am not sure this is only a recent phenomenon. All through the years of my early Christian formation, I attended prayer meetings where people gave "unspoken requests." I thought at the time that a woman just didn't want to let everyone know that she had a painful ovarian cyst or that her hair was falling out. Now I understand that she may have been saying, "My husband is drinking too much" or "He slaps me sometimes."
I cannot agree with the idea of a covenant (a marriage) that must be kept regardless of what the other party does. Even God made conditions when He established a covenant relationship with His ancient followers. "If you listen to these regulations [the law given through Moses] and faithfully obey them, the Lord your God will keep his covenant of unfailing love with you, as he promised with an oath to your ancestors." (Deuteronomy 7:12 NLT) God said "If . . ." and some of the people eliminated themselves from the covenant. God does not look lightly on those who bash His plans. "And if I announce that I will plant and build up a certain nation or kingdom, but then that nation turns to evil and refuses to obey me, I will not bless it as I said I would." (Jeremiah 18:10, 11 NLT)
The new covenant in Christ has the same implications of faithful commitment. "But Jesus' priestly work far surpasses what these other priests do, since he's working from a far better plan. If the first plan—the old covenant—had worked out, a second wouldn't have been needed. But we know the first was found wanting, because God said, Heads up! The days are coming when I'll set up a new plan for dealing with Israel and Judah. I'll throw out the old plan I set up with their ancestors when I led them by the hand out of Egypt. They didn't keep their part of the bargain, so I looked away and let it go. This new plan I'm making with Israel isn't going to be written on paper, isn't going to be chiseled in stone; this time I'm writing out the plan in them, carving it on the lining of their hearts. I'll be their God, they'll be my people . . . They'll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean. By coming up with a new plan, a new covenant between God and his people, God put the old plan on the shelf. And there it stays, gathering dust." (Hebrews 8:6-13 MSG) And still, people every day are eliminating themselves from New Covenant blessings by simply choosing not to participate in it. Covenants have conditions.
What about the "sacred vows" we make? When weddings began, back in early Jewish history, they did not contain vows as we think of them today. The wedding contract was read or recited and that constituted the couple's promises to one another. Even before that, men just "took" wives; when they claimed young virgins, the fact was established. The vows with "love, cherish, and obey" (for the bride only!) date back to the 1500s, beginning with the Book of Common Prayer used by the Anglican Church. After nearly four hundred years, the Episcopal Church removed the word "obey" from the bride's part of the vows. "Obey" was often misunderstood anyway; it has no connection with one partner being subservient to the other. Coming from the Latin root word "audire," it means to listen and hear, and is related to our word "audience." The vows as we know them are simply tradition; there is no legal or Biblical requirement that they actually be exchanged in a wedding ceremony. We imply a mutual bond of trust—and wouldn't that include listening deeply?
So let's consider the ideal that many people hold: marriage is a covenant that cannot be broken. Certainly that is the ideal, but realistically we recognize that not everyone attains it. The divorce rate in the general population continues to hover around fifty percent; the rate in the Church is about the same. Many churches define narrowly the acceptable (and Scriptural, they say) reasons for divorce: sexual sin outside the marriage, and the desertion of a believing spouse by an unbelieving partner. Some would also include abandonment (literal or in spirit) by a partner living in such a state of unrepentant sin as cause him/her to be viewed as an unbeliever in the eyes of the Lord and the Church.
But "God hates divorce!" is the argument from the Scripture itself. Indeed He does, but we have usually failed to read the rest of the passage. "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel, 'and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,' says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith." (Malachi 2:15, 16 NIV)
Divorce is, of course, not the only option. "Genny's Story," which I shared earlier, addresses the issue. You can read that [here]. Don't say "I can't" too soon if your partner has indeed broken faith. You may very well want to know at some later point, if/when self-doubt arises, that you did everything you could. Feelings change, but what you have done does not. You'll be able to assure yourself, regardless of how you feel at that later time, that you did the best you could in this crisis of decision. Don't say "I can't" too soon, but when it must be said, say it.
Marjorie
Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotation marked NIV is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Making People Happy
For a lot of years, I assumed I had the responsibility for making the people around me happy. Now I still think I'm obliged to seek their good, but I no longer believe that other folks' happiness rests on my shoulders.
Happiness is a very personal thing, and it comes from within more than from the outside. Some people are just always going to be unhappy, and nothing that you or I do is going to change that. They are expecting their circumstances and the people around them to furnish them with the good feelings they like to have. There are, of course, many external things that are pleasant and enjoyable, but those who are truly happy have discovered a better and more lasting source. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," and long before Lincoln's time, Aristotle (384-322 BC) declared "Happiness depends upon ourselves."
It is easy for women, especially those who are naturally inclined toward compassion and nurturing, to fall into a "care-taking" role for everybody. There will always be needy people around them who seem to have a special instinct for homing in on someone who will think for them, decide for them, and fill their emotional needs. The line of action for these dependent friends is making us feel that no one else can do for them what we can, that we are their greatest source of kindness, that we are the only person they know who's acting like a Christian, that they have no one else on whom they can count.
We may respond easily to this approach, because we do want to be kind, loving, and generous. We do want to be thoroughly Christian in our attitudes and actions. It makes us feel good if this needy one singles us out as this kind of champion. However, our motives have then become clouded with self-interest, and we cannot see as clearly as we might. Do you suppose there is some reason they have no other friends? In all likelihood, they have worn them out. If we allow it and unknowingly encourage it, they will do the very same to us.
How can we refuse when a friend, relative or even our own adult child asks pathetically, "But why won't you do this for me? . . . stay here with me? . . . drive me there? . . . let me borrow? . . . "We can say "You know, I just can't give you any more help with that than I have already given you. Why don't you call a . . . lawyer, counselor, banker, service-provider?" Even with youngsters who whine, "But why not?" we are not accountable for providing endless entertainment, infinite amounts of money, and privileges that are continually unaccompanied by any personal responsibility on their part. We may say, "I believe it wouldn't be good for you if I did that for you. Maybe you can try . . . "
Although we may think we will just go ahead and make the personal sacrifices regardless, what is likely to happen is that we will become weary of being used. We will begin to resent the demands and then feeling guilty about that, we mercilessly punish ourselves for our lack of charity. We may be angry at the person for the problem they have become to us, or we may be angry at ourselves for allowing them to continue. What we should have handled in firm but loving action has been turned in on ourselves. Read "Acting In" (here)
Re-think your relationships if everyone has chosen you, and your friends are not ones you have chosen—or would choose, if you had it to do over. Although we want to encourage rich and rewarding relationships, no one's happiness depends on you.
Marjorie
Happiness is a very personal thing, and it comes from within more than from the outside. Some people are just always going to be unhappy, and nothing that you or I do is going to change that. They are expecting their circumstances and the people around them to furnish them with the good feelings they like to have. There are, of course, many external things that are pleasant and enjoyable, but those who are truly happy have discovered a better and more lasting source. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," and long before Lincoln's time, Aristotle (384-322 BC) declared "Happiness depends upon ourselves."
It is easy for women, especially those who are naturally inclined toward compassion and nurturing, to fall into a "care-taking" role for everybody. There will always be needy people around them who seem to have a special instinct for homing in on someone who will think for them, decide for them, and fill their emotional needs. The line of action for these dependent friends is making us feel that no one else can do for them what we can, that we are their greatest source of kindness, that we are the only person they know who's acting like a Christian, that they have no one else on whom they can count.
We may respond easily to this approach, because we do want to be kind, loving, and generous. We do want to be thoroughly Christian in our attitudes and actions. It makes us feel good if this needy one singles us out as this kind of champion. However, our motives have then become clouded with self-interest, and we cannot see as clearly as we might. Do you suppose there is some reason they have no other friends? In all likelihood, they have worn them out. If we allow it and unknowingly encourage it, they will do the very same to us.
How can we refuse when a friend, relative or even our own adult child asks pathetically, "But why won't you do this for me? . . . stay here with me? . . . drive me there? . . . let me borrow? . . . "We can say "You know, I just can't give you any more help with that than I have already given you. Why don't you call a . . . lawyer, counselor, banker, service-provider?" Even with youngsters who whine, "But why not?" we are not accountable for providing endless entertainment, infinite amounts of money, and privileges that are continually unaccompanied by any personal responsibility on their part. We may say, "I believe it wouldn't be good for you if I did that for you. Maybe you can try . . . "
Although we may think we will just go ahead and make the personal sacrifices regardless, what is likely to happen is that we will become weary of being used. We will begin to resent the demands and then feeling guilty about that, we mercilessly punish ourselves for our lack of charity. We may be angry at the person for the problem they have become to us, or we may be angry at ourselves for allowing them to continue. What we should have handled in firm but loving action has been turned in on ourselves. Read "Acting In" (here)
Re-think your relationships if everyone has chosen you, and your friends are not ones you have chosen—or would choose, if you had it to do over. Although we want to encourage rich and rewarding relationships, no one's happiness depends on you.
Marjorie
Friday, October 16, 2009
Acting In
Distressed individuals—adults as well as children—are sometimes said to be "acting out" when their internal conflict or painful emotions are expressed in outward behavior that is unhealthy and defensive. Their actions may even be destructive or dangerous to themselves and others. At the very least, they are irritating, but correcting the situation is not always as simple as just suggesting or demanding that the behavior stop. Most often, the impulses are not conscious
Acting out may be expressed as anger: hurting someone (or an animal), breaking things, creating a scene, taking aggressive actions like road-rage incidents, using abusive language, blaming, and seeking a way to "get even." It may also take the form of fear: helplessness, over-dependence, anxiety.
"Acting in" has the same basis. It is hard for many women to acknowledge anger and deal with it. For those of us brought up more than a generation ago, it was verboten (forbidden) just because it was unsuitable for women—especially Christian women—to "get mad." Fear was not acceptable either and "nervous" women were scorned.
But these emotions have to go somewhere. If release is not permitted in healthy outward ways—more about that later—they will get stored internally. Anger or fear turned inward on oneself can do all kinds of damage including:
- Obsessive thinking about the painful situation
- Trouble eating or sleeping
- Overeating or sleeping too much
- Depression
- Irritability, crying
- Physical illness
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering
- Inability to function
There is no one sure-fire way of dealing with the strong feelings of rage or anxiety that accompany deep conflict, but many people find that it is helpful to let the body express that emotion. One may write a letter—to be mailed or not—to the person responsible for her hurt. Or she can personalize her emotion and write a letter or speak to an empty chair what she is feeling. ("Well, Betrayal or Grief or Disaster, you found me didn't you?") You can hit a tennis ball or pound a pillow. You can express yourself in music or art. We have to find some way to calm the impulse we have to lash out at anyone or anything, or to create as much havoc as possible, or to beat up on ourselves. And don't forget, you can without embarrassment seek the help of a mental-health professional, and your medical doctor as well if things are completely out of balance.
Make a conscious effort to bring your thoughts to the positive present: "I can manage, and I will." The more that anger and fear can be expressed in structured ways, the less there will be left for acting out. Or acting in.
Marjorie
Acting out may be expressed as anger: hurting someone (or an animal), breaking things, creating a scene, taking aggressive actions like road-rage incidents, using abusive language, blaming, and seeking a way to "get even." It may also take the form of fear: helplessness, over-dependence, anxiety.
"Acting in" has the same basis. It is hard for many women to acknowledge anger and deal with it. For those of us brought up more than a generation ago, it was verboten (forbidden) just because it was unsuitable for women—especially Christian women—to "get mad." Fear was not acceptable either and "nervous" women were scorned.
But these emotions have to go somewhere. If release is not permitted in healthy outward ways—more about that later—they will get stored internally. Anger or fear turned inward on oneself can do all kinds of damage including:
- Obsessive thinking about the painful situation
- Trouble eating or sleeping
- Overeating or sleeping too much
- Depression
- Irritability, crying
- Physical illness
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering
- Inability to function
There is no one sure-fire way of dealing with the strong feelings of rage or anxiety that accompany deep conflict, but many people find that it is helpful to let the body express that emotion. One may write a letter—to be mailed or not—to the person responsible for her hurt. Or she can personalize her emotion and write a letter or speak to an empty chair what she is feeling. ("Well, Betrayal or Grief or Disaster, you found me didn't you?") You can hit a tennis ball or pound a pillow. You can express yourself in music or art. We have to find some way to calm the impulse we have to lash out at anyone or anything, or to create as much havoc as possible, or to beat up on ourselves. And don't forget, you can without embarrassment seek the help of a mental-health professional, and your medical doctor as well if things are completely out of balance.
Make a conscious effort to bring your thoughts to the positive present: "I can manage, and I will." The more that anger and fear can be expressed in structured ways, the less there will be left for acting out. Or acting in.
Marjorie
Friday, October 9, 2009
"To Thine Own Self Be True"
This entry was first published on my Finding the Faith Way site under the same title. Because it deals mostly with the concerns of women rather than those of a general reading audience, it is perhaps more suitably placed here. You will perhaps recognize the Shakespeare quote which I used recently, with a somewhat different emphasis given here.
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
Although Jesus Himself did not say this—it was one of Shakespeare’s characters in Hamlet—it lines up with the way Jesus lived. He knew who He was and why He was here. Again and again, the Gospel accounts tell us, Jesus said or did things in order that the prophecies concerning Him would be fulfilled. He was true to Himself and to His calling. He desires the same for us. The Apostle Paul wrote, “I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.” (Ephesians 1:16b-18)
I often see people who are not true to themselves. They are only a copy of someone else, or they are the person they think others want them to be. We might expect this in children who are only now forming who they are, but mature men and women need to have a developed sense of who they are, especially who they are in Christ. Because of the foolishness of a few, we have made a joke of people trying to “find themselves,” and thus have caused others to avoid forming their own goals and opinions and discovering their personal strengths and weaknesses. We have not given them the freedom to be authentic persons.
There is no place I see this more clearly than in the lives of a few married women I know. A recently-wed young woman told me not long ago, “Being married is not what makes us whole, but it does help us become more.” I agree; that is what most women would want and expect, but instead of being enhanced by their relationship, too many find themselves diminished, made less by the man who has gained them as a personal acquisition. We most often use the term “trophy wife” to describe the younger, probably beautiful woman who is the second or even third wife of a wealthy and probably powerful middle-aged man. She is something of a “reward” for his business savvy or whatever else has brought him to the self-assured position of “deserving the finest” of everything.
To my consternation, I have seen and heard of a few Christian trophy wives too, even though they may be the first and only spouse. The men who married them did not do so for the purpose of making both their lives richer and enabling them to better serve the Kingdom. They married because it was to their personal advantage: “This woman will serve my needs; she loves me and will make my life happier.” “This woman makes me feel important; she will enhance my position or better my image as a Christian man.” (Somewhat like the marketing “halo effect” where the excellence of one product increases positive response to another in the same line. He withdraws his support of her personal endeavors if she gets too far ahead of him.) Is this a conscious ploy? I wish I knew. I only know that sometimes I see it in operation.
Sometimes this robbery of a woman’s personhood is given a cloak of righteousness with Scriptures that speak of women being under male authority—fathers, husbands, brothers, spiritual leaders. That is clearly a travesty of the Biblical intent that we all live with love and respect toward each other. I know a woman who years ago removed herself from an abusive situation at enormous emotional cost personally. In spite of great, skillfully applied pressure to be “submissive” to what was dictated, she knew positively within herself, “This is not right. God doesn’t want me to live this way.” She didn’t know but that she might be risking the wrath of God and gambling on heaven; certainly she was risking the wrath of man. But God honored her search for what was true. Because she dared to find that for herself, He has since used her to bring help and hope to many other women who are trying to reclaim their own selves.
“To thine own self be true.” If not true to yourself, to the person God intends you to be, how can you help but be false to every other person?
Marjorie
Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
Although Jesus Himself did not say this—it was one of Shakespeare’s characters in Hamlet—it lines up with the way Jesus lived. He knew who He was and why He was here. Again and again, the Gospel accounts tell us, Jesus said or did things in order that the prophecies concerning Him would be fulfilled. He was true to Himself and to His calling. He desires the same for us. The Apostle Paul wrote, “I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.” (Ephesians 1:16b-18)
I often see people who are not true to themselves. They are only a copy of someone else, or they are the person they think others want them to be. We might expect this in children who are only now forming who they are, but mature men and women need to have a developed sense of who they are, especially who they are in Christ. Because of the foolishness of a few, we have made a joke of people trying to “find themselves,” and thus have caused others to avoid forming their own goals and opinions and discovering their personal strengths and weaknesses. We have not given them the freedom to be authentic persons.
There is no place I see this more clearly than in the lives of a few married women I know. A recently-wed young woman told me not long ago, “Being married is not what makes us whole, but it does help us become more.” I agree; that is what most women would want and expect, but instead of being enhanced by their relationship, too many find themselves diminished, made less by the man who has gained them as a personal acquisition. We most often use the term “trophy wife” to describe the younger, probably beautiful woman who is the second or even third wife of a wealthy and probably powerful middle-aged man. She is something of a “reward” for his business savvy or whatever else has brought him to the self-assured position of “deserving the finest” of everything.
To my consternation, I have seen and heard of a few Christian trophy wives too, even though they may be the first and only spouse. The men who married them did not do so for the purpose of making both their lives richer and enabling them to better serve the Kingdom. They married because it was to their personal advantage: “This woman will serve my needs; she loves me and will make my life happier.” “This woman makes me feel important; she will enhance my position or better my image as a Christian man.” (Somewhat like the marketing “halo effect” where the excellence of one product increases positive response to another in the same line. He withdraws his support of her personal endeavors if she gets too far ahead of him.) Is this a conscious ploy? I wish I knew. I only know that sometimes I see it in operation.
Sometimes this robbery of a woman’s personhood is given a cloak of righteousness with Scriptures that speak of women being under male authority—fathers, husbands, brothers, spiritual leaders. That is clearly a travesty of the Biblical intent that we all live with love and respect toward each other. I know a woman who years ago removed herself from an abusive situation at enormous emotional cost personally. In spite of great, skillfully applied pressure to be “submissive” to what was dictated, she knew positively within herself, “This is not right. God doesn’t want me to live this way.” She didn’t know but that she might be risking the wrath of God and gambling on heaven; certainly she was risking the wrath of man. But God honored her search for what was true. Because she dared to find that for herself, He has since used her to bring help and hope to many other women who are trying to reclaim their own selves.
“To thine own self be true.” If not true to yourself, to the person God intends you to be, how can you help but be false to every other person?
Marjorie
Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Vigilance
"Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." This is one of those quotes that "everybody" knows was said by . . . whomever. It has been attributed to Thomas Jefferson, abolitionist Wendell Phillips, Thomas Paine, Abraham Lincoln, and General of the Army George Marshall. And it could well be that each of these great men publicly declared the same truth: freedom can be damaged or even lost by ignoring it.
Everyday life around us illustrates this. You know the scene: A young woman enthusiastically embarks upon a regimen of workouts at the gym, perhaps even with a personal trainer. She looks good, and she feels better than she has in years. She tells her friends, maybe somewhat smugly, what a great thing this has been—her life is changed. But her allergies start bothering her, or her hours change at work, or the high school football season starts or whatever, and before you know it, she is missing a few days, and then longer periods at a time, and after awhile she drops her gym membership. She quit paying attention to her goals. There may be very good reasons, but the fact remains that she was not vigilant about her gains.
Or a woman decides to lose weight—maybe quite a lot of it. She may sign up for a program or undertake one of her own. She sticks to the plan faithfully for months, and eventually she is rewarded with a trim body, the new clothes she had to buy, the admiration of her acquaintances, and renewed health and vigor. But after she is through "dieting," and it is okay to eat what she wants again (she supposes), the pounds begin to creep back on. Having reached an important goal, she failed to pay the price of maintaining it.
Many alcoholics continue to attend AA meetings long after they have sobered up—years and years, sometimes, because those men and women know that "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." Some people question that position, thinking that one should not continue to believe that he/she is still an alcoholic—especially if a genuine relationship with God has been established. That may be true for some, but others find there is still an inner proclivity toward their "drug of choice." (I use that term because alcohol is just one among a number of addictions.)
We must not fail to recognize that the connection between vigilance and liberty is true in more than the physical part of our lives. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Galatia, "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." (Galatians 5:1) Spiritual gains have to be guarded and maintained too. Times of inspiration and challenge make us feel confident and energized. It comes as a surprise to us, sometimes, when we find that only conscious attention and effort enable us to keep the new freedom.
Some of us have had self-defeating emotional habits to overcome: a sense of unworthiness, unwarranted introspection, lack of assertion, overprotection, denial, or misplaced trust. Or on the other hand: pride, anger, deceit, control, blame, self-indulgence, or self-pity. Either thinking too little or too much of ourselves was destructive in the past. Having made progress, by the grace of God, in one of these dysfunctional areas, it is so easy to say, "Whew! I'm glad that battle is over." We are right to be encouraged and grateful for the healthy changes we can see, but no, it is not over. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty."
Stand fast!
Marjorie
Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Everyday life around us illustrates this. You know the scene: A young woman enthusiastically embarks upon a regimen of workouts at the gym, perhaps even with a personal trainer. She looks good, and she feels better than she has in years. She tells her friends, maybe somewhat smugly, what a great thing this has been—her life is changed. But her allergies start bothering her, or her hours change at work, or the high school football season starts or whatever, and before you know it, she is missing a few days, and then longer periods at a time, and after awhile she drops her gym membership. She quit paying attention to her goals. There may be very good reasons, but the fact remains that she was not vigilant about her gains.
Or a woman decides to lose weight—maybe quite a lot of it. She may sign up for a program or undertake one of her own. She sticks to the plan faithfully for months, and eventually she is rewarded with a trim body, the new clothes she had to buy, the admiration of her acquaintances, and renewed health and vigor. But after she is through "dieting," and it is okay to eat what she wants again (she supposes), the pounds begin to creep back on. Having reached an important goal, she failed to pay the price of maintaining it.
Many alcoholics continue to attend AA meetings long after they have sobered up—years and years, sometimes, because those men and women know that "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." Some people question that position, thinking that one should not continue to believe that he/she is still an alcoholic—especially if a genuine relationship with God has been established. That may be true for some, but others find there is still an inner proclivity toward their "drug of choice." (I use that term because alcohol is just one among a number of addictions.)
We must not fail to recognize that the connection between vigilance and liberty is true in more than the physical part of our lives. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Galatia, "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." (Galatians 5:1) Spiritual gains have to be guarded and maintained too. Times of inspiration and challenge make us feel confident and energized. It comes as a surprise to us, sometimes, when we find that only conscious attention and effort enable us to keep the new freedom.
Some of us have had self-defeating emotional habits to overcome: a sense of unworthiness, unwarranted introspection, lack of assertion, overprotection, denial, or misplaced trust. Or on the other hand: pride, anger, deceit, control, blame, self-indulgence, or self-pity. Either thinking too little or too much of ourselves was destructive in the past. Having made progress, by the grace of God, in one of these dysfunctional areas, it is so easy to say, "Whew! I'm glad that battle is over." We are right to be encouraged and grateful for the healthy changes we can see, but no, it is not over. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty."
Stand fast!
Marjorie
Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Honest Relationships
Along the line of the previous entry, "Boundaries," I am sharing today some of the thoughts first posted on October 6, 2008, on my Finding the Faith Way site with the title, "Things Mama Taught Me: Tell the Truth."
I grew up valuing honesty, telling the truth, because that was the example lived before me in my home and in the community where we lived. There is one person, however, with whom I have found it especially difficult to face the truth.
Me.
Sometimes I haven’t recognized the truth, even though it was right there. Through many years of my adult life, and without realizing it, I surrounded myself with people who used me. Organizations that deceived and cheated, that took serious advantage of me financially (in the name of God). Strong leaders who used the subtle power of approval to build a personal following, who controlled my time and my job and my money and my friendships, who ordered my life with should’s and must’s while they covered their own private wrongdoing (in the name of God). “Friends,” a lot of them, who were only takers because I was so ready to give, who laid unfair claims on me by their unending neediness (in the name of God). Because I was absolutely sincere in my intentions, no one shook me and said “Wake up, girl!” But the time came when the pressure became too great and could no longer be contained neatly. A family member intervened. “This is abuse,” she said, and my façade began to crack.
Over a number of months after that, I began to realize that not only was the present situation abusive, but also that I had permitted, again and again, unreasonable and unhealthy demands to be made on my life. I discovered that Christian women—mothers, wives, friends, employees, members of a faith community—can and must establish boundaries to protect themselves from destructive relationships.
It may be hard for some people to reconcile the teachings of Jesus about love and forgiveness and self-sacrifice with the necessity to preserve one’s health and sanity. I know how difficult that can be; I found it so difficult that I missed making the connection for most of my adult life. Our Lord never intended for loving God and loving others to exclude self-care. He told His followers that the two greatest commandments were to love God with all one’s heart and mind and strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself. It is very hard, maybe impossible, to love and care for others appropriately unless we have a proper respect for ourselves.
Jesus Himself did not minister non-stop to needy people. One time He told all His disciples to come with Him to a quiet place to take a break; they hadn’t even had time for lunch. People were constantly coming and going—people with genuine needs, people who apparently thought Jesus and the disciples should be meeting those needs. (Seeing Jesus’ crew leaving in a boat, the people hurried on foot from the surrounding villages, and beat them to their remote resting spot—but that’s another story.) And once, the Scripture tells us, Jesus was tired from a long walk and sat wearily by a well while His disciples went to a nearby city to buy groceries. So Jesus was not at all insensitive to His own needs or those of His followers. May I put it bluntly? Jesus did not teach His followers to be stupid.
The Apostle Paul echoes Jesus’ teaching. He says, “Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.” (Ephesians 5:28, 29) Here Paul makes the simple assumption that people (women as well as men) need to care for themselves in even the most intimate and impelling of human relationships. It is just expected. Permitting ourselves to be manipulated by others into caring for them, not along with but instead of caring for ourselves, is not Jesus’ way.
So I am learning to tell myself the truth—the hardest person with whom I must face the truth—and it is a journey not yet complete. Although the quote is from Shakespeare rather than Scripture, it is nonetheless accurate: “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
Marjorie
Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
The quote is by one of Shakespeare's characters in Hamlet.
I grew up valuing honesty, telling the truth, because that was the example lived before me in my home and in the community where we lived. There is one person, however, with whom I have found it especially difficult to face the truth.
Me.
Sometimes I haven’t recognized the truth, even though it was right there. Through many years of my adult life, and without realizing it, I surrounded myself with people who used me. Organizations that deceived and cheated, that took serious advantage of me financially (in the name of God). Strong leaders who used the subtle power of approval to build a personal following, who controlled my time and my job and my money and my friendships, who ordered my life with should’s and must’s while they covered their own private wrongdoing (in the name of God). “Friends,” a lot of them, who were only takers because I was so ready to give, who laid unfair claims on me by their unending neediness (in the name of God). Because I was absolutely sincere in my intentions, no one shook me and said “Wake up, girl!” But the time came when the pressure became too great and could no longer be contained neatly. A family member intervened. “This is abuse,” she said, and my façade began to crack.
Over a number of months after that, I began to realize that not only was the present situation abusive, but also that I had permitted, again and again, unreasonable and unhealthy demands to be made on my life. I discovered that Christian women—mothers, wives, friends, employees, members of a faith community—can and must establish boundaries to protect themselves from destructive relationships.
It may be hard for some people to reconcile the teachings of Jesus about love and forgiveness and self-sacrifice with the necessity to preserve one’s health and sanity. I know how difficult that can be; I found it so difficult that I missed making the connection for most of my adult life. Our Lord never intended for loving God and loving others to exclude self-care. He told His followers that the two greatest commandments were to love God with all one’s heart and mind and strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself. It is very hard, maybe impossible, to love and care for others appropriately unless we have a proper respect for ourselves.
Jesus Himself did not minister non-stop to needy people. One time He told all His disciples to come with Him to a quiet place to take a break; they hadn’t even had time for lunch. People were constantly coming and going—people with genuine needs, people who apparently thought Jesus and the disciples should be meeting those needs. (Seeing Jesus’ crew leaving in a boat, the people hurried on foot from the surrounding villages, and beat them to their remote resting spot—but that’s another story.) And once, the Scripture tells us, Jesus was tired from a long walk and sat wearily by a well while His disciples went to a nearby city to buy groceries. So Jesus was not at all insensitive to His own needs or those of His followers. May I put it bluntly? Jesus did not teach His followers to be stupid.
The Apostle Paul echoes Jesus’ teaching. He says, “Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.” (Ephesians 5:28, 29) Here Paul makes the simple assumption that people (women as well as men) need to care for themselves in even the most intimate and impelling of human relationships. It is just expected. Permitting ourselves to be manipulated by others into caring for them, not along with but instead of caring for ourselves, is not Jesus’ way.
So I am learning to tell myself the truth—the hardest person with whom I must face the truth—and it is a journey not yet complete. Although the quote is from Shakespeare rather than Scripture, it is nonetheless accurate: “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
Marjorie
Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
The quote is by one of Shakespeare's characters in Hamlet.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Harder Than It Looks
Recovery after loss is harder than it looks.
It doesn't matter too much what the loss is:
The death of a spouse or a child.
The loss of a house—destruction or foreclosure.
Or the loss of Home—you can't go back to that place of security again.
Layoff from a long-term job.
Health and strength and freedom from pain.
A broken relationship.
Betrayal by someone you trusted.
A missed opportunity that cannot be recovered.
Failure to accomplish what you were sure you could.
Faith and self-confidence.
A dream that has died.
Treat the one who has suffered loss with great compassion. Recovery is harder than it looks.
People may say, "You're a strong woman—so brave." And she thinks, I don't want to be strong or brave. I just want to stop hurting.
They say, "You are doing so well." Thank you, I'm recovering from what amounts to a 'surgery' that almost killed me.
"You're looking good." Nice of you to say that, but this is just the face I put on when I'm going out.
Treat the one who has suffered loss with much kindness; it is doing a kindness to Christ.
Without implying unreserved acceptance of Jungian psychology, here is something he wrote:
What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I
should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all the beggars
. . . that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of
my own kindness—that I myself am the enemy who must be loved—what
then?
Treat the one who has suffered loss with great compassion—especially if it is you.
I recommend reading or re-reading these posts on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog:
The Courage to Grieve and Where Everybody Knows Your Name.
Marjorie
Friday, September 11, 2009
Restorative Justice
Here is what churches may do for those who have suffered childhood sexual abuse.
* Acknowledge that child abuse is an issue.
If the Church is doing its job, there are going to be sinners in the crowd, some openly acknowledging their condition, others wearing a cloak of respectable church-ianity. The community of God's people is not exempt from sexual misconduct. If it were, we would not have many verses of Biblical injunction recorded in Leviticus and Deuteronomy and in Paul's epistles.
I have been attending church all my life, quite a long while now, and I cannot remember ever having heard a caution mentioned regarding child abuse in the home.. Of course, for half of my lifetime, sexual matters were hardly discussed anywhere—not even between husband and wife, not even in the doctor's office, and just barely with your children. But with the "sexual revolution" of the 60's, that changed. So let's say, it's been forty years of church-going for me. I estimate I've attended six thousand regular church services and countless other church-related activities. I've heard, "Protect our children from an evil-intentioned stranger"—yes, but never, "Mothers, teach your children respect for their bodies. Be alert. Listen to your kids. Believe them." I've never heard, "Dads, you have a holy responsibility to live a love that reflects that of the Heavenly Father. Teach your kids what is right to expect from the men in their lives."
* Provide protection.
Churches have a double responsibility to protect children in the faith community: a legal liability, depending on the state law, and a spiritual accountability to the Master who said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them!" (Luke 18:16) It is not enough to warn children—and their parents and caregivers—about "stranger danger." Some churches have elaborate systems to prevent children being taken away from nurseries, classrooms, or day-care centers by unauthorized persons. Many churches have taken steps to see that the children's workers are carefully screened, and they use every precaution to avoid even an appearance of impropriety. Yet in these same churches, it is often true that no one would dare question the parents of children who manifest definite signs of abuse.
Laws vary from state to state about reporting child abuse, but most say something like this: "Any medical practitioner; school or day-care professional; law enforcement officer; registered or licensed nurse, social worker, psychologist or employee of social services who has reasonable cause to believe that a child (or developmentally disabled person) has suffered abuse or neglect, must report such incident or cause a report to be made to the appropriate public protection agency"—this within a certain time frame, such as forty-eight hours. While some states' laws may exempt the clergy, or be unclear about required reporting, it is in the best interest of children for the Church to take some responsibility for their welfare and to report abuse appropriately. Churches often require their staff, paid and volunteer, to report suspected abuse first to a designated pastor or church officer, and strict confidentiality measures are in place.
I understand the Church's desire to protect parents as much as is legally possible from undue interference by outside authority. So some churches take steps to interview the parents, with or without the person who has concluded there is "reasonable cause" to suspect abuse. Others are not in the investigative business at all and will leave the matter entirely up to the public system. Either way, there is a price to pay: the suspected or guilty offender is likely just to withdraw from that faith community or, if he decides to stay, there will be time and effort involved in keeping a supportive relationship with him and the family (This does not exclude the need for professional counseling for any or all of the family members; indeed, it is probably essential.) Being "under Church discipline" is difficult for everyone involved.
If you are in a place of church leadership, although this may not be a personal issue for you, become informed and be alert. The Church has been asleep on this issue. It is time to take a stand, and that must be before it happens. "This is not right. This is a crime. This will not be tolerated."
* Seek to restore the wounded.
It is an injustice to both victim and offender for us to agree tacitly, "Well, probably nothing happened. Or if it did, it's over now." It's not over now. Neither of the individuals will be healed without restorative justice done—some recompense to the victim and some cost to the perpetrator. Even if the legal system has exacted a penalty from the offender, it is the work of the Church to offer healing and redemption.
One woman who had been wronged said, "I don't want him to go to hell. I just want him to be sorry. Is it wrong for me to want him to be sorry?" Of course, it is not wrong. The God who made us in His image is a just God. We want justice. We do not have to wish evil on an offender (although it is really difficult not to); the very least we can ask is for him to be sorry. I don't wish for the Church to become cruel or harsh, but perhaps confession needs to be made to responsible church personnel who can outline a program of restoration somewhat similar to that for clergy who fail morally. It's not likely that anyone who submits to this discipline of repentance, professional intervention, and accountability will repeat the behavior that brought them down. Nevertheless, strong safeguards must be put in place to protect him and his victim(s), so that it cannot be repeated.
* And if the offender does not accept blame, what then?
This is the "Nothing Happened" scenario I discussed in my previous entry. In addition to outright denial, there are the situations where the offender is long gone to parts unknown or even has died before the victim can bring herself to speak of her experience. And I know of some instances where the girl/young woman, now fully mature, has decided not to confront her abuser. Then what?
Not every church has a well-trained counseling staff. Those who do should periodically make known their ability to deal with the issues faced by adult women who endured childhood sexual abuse. Those who do not have such counselors must let women know that church personnel are ready to refer them to qualified counselors whom they themselves would trust. A woman with deep, unresolved issues needs someone to understand her pain—even if the offender will not/cannot admit to causing it. I'm not sure how God deals with such, but I do know what Jesus said. “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble [speaking specifically of a child that was present], it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." (Mark 9:42) If there is no legal or ecclesiastical recourse, then it's completely up to God. The ultimate judgment of the offender's guilt and repentance can be safely left in God's hands.
If anger and bitterness, fear and shame are allowed to grow in a woman's heart, they will destroy her. Forgiveness of others and acceptance of herself, however long it takes for that to grow, is her hope for health and emotional well-being. To illustrate this: When a person has been stung by a honeybee, the stinger remains embedded in the skin, pulsing its venom. The longer the stinger is allowed to remain, the greater the amount of poison is pumped in. In childhood sexual abuse, a life has had poison inflicted upon it, and the stinger may still be there, forcing in a stream of venom. The message of Christ and His Church can offer the hope of restoration. "O death [and death-making experiences of life], where is your sting?" Death, where is your stinger? Shame, where is your stinger? Anger, where is your stinger? "Thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:55, 57)
Marjorie
Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
* Acknowledge that child abuse is an issue.
If the Church is doing its job, there are going to be sinners in the crowd, some openly acknowledging their condition, others wearing a cloak of respectable church-ianity. The community of God's people is not exempt from sexual misconduct. If it were, we would not have many verses of Biblical injunction recorded in Leviticus and Deuteronomy and in Paul's epistles.
I have been attending church all my life, quite a long while now, and I cannot remember ever having heard a caution mentioned regarding child abuse in the home.. Of course, for half of my lifetime, sexual matters were hardly discussed anywhere—not even between husband and wife, not even in the doctor's office, and just barely with your children. But with the "sexual revolution" of the 60's, that changed. So let's say, it's been forty years of church-going for me. I estimate I've attended six thousand regular church services and countless other church-related activities. I've heard, "Protect our children from an evil-intentioned stranger"—yes, but never, "Mothers, teach your children respect for their bodies. Be alert. Listen to your kids. Believe them." I've never heard, "Dads, you have a holy responsibility to live a love that reflects that of the Heavenly Father. Teach your kids what is right to expect from the men in their lives."
* Provide protection.
Churches have a double responsibility to protect children in the faith community: a legal liability, depending on the state law, and a spiritual accountability to the Master who said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them!" (Luke 18:16) It is not enough to warn children—and their parents and caregivers—about "stranger danger." Some churches have elaborate systems to prevent children being taken away from nurseries, classrooms, or day-care centers by unauthorized persons. Many churches have taken steps to see that the children's workers are carefully screened, and they use every precaution to avoid even an appearance of impropriety. Yet in these same churches, it is often true that no one would dare question the parents of children who manifest definite signs of abuse.
Laws vary from state to state about reporting child abuse, but most say something like this: "Any medical practitioner; school or day-care professional; law enforcement officer; registered or licensed nurse, social worker, psychologist or employee of social services who has reasonable cause to believe that a child (or developmentally disabled person) has suffered abuse or neglect, must report such incident or cause a report to be made to the appropriate public protection agency"—this within a certain time frame, such as forty-eight hours. While some states' laws may exempt the clergy, or be unclear about required reporting, it is in the best interest of children for the Church to take some responsibility for their welfare and to report abuse appropriately. Churches often require their staff, paid and volunteer, to report suspected abuse first to a designated pastor or church officer, and strict confidentiality measures are in place.
I understand the Church's desire to protect parents as much as is legally possible from undue interference by outside authority. So some churches take steps to interview the parents, with or without the person who has concluded there is "reasonable cause" to suspect abuse. Others are not in the investigative business at all and will leave the matter entirely up to the public system. Either way, there is a price to pay: the suspected or guilty offender is likely just to withdraw from that faith community or, if he decides to stay, there will be time and effort involved in keeping a supportive relationship with him and the family (This does not exclude the need for professional counseling for any or all of the family members; indeed, it is probably essential.) Being "under Church discipline" is difficult for everyone involved.
If you are in a place of church leadership, although this may not be a personal issue for you, become informed and be alert. The Church has been asleep on this issue. It is time to take a stand, and that must be before it happens. "This is not right. This is a crime. This will not be tolerated."
* Seek to restore the wounded.
It is an injustice to both victim and offender for us to agree tacitly, "Well, probably nothing happened. Or if it did, it's over now." It's not over now. Neither of the individuals will be healed without restorative justice done—some recompense to the victim and some cost to the perpetrator. Even if the legal system has exacted a penalty from the offender, it is the work of the Church to offer healing and redemption.
One woman who had been wronged said, "I don't want him to go to hell. I just want him to be sorry. Is it wrong for me to want him to be sorry?" Of course, it is not wrong. The God who made us in His image is a just God. We want justice. We do not have to wish evil on an offender (although it is really difficult not to); the very least we can ask is for him to be sorry. I don't wish for the Church to become cruel or harsh, but perhaps confession needs to be made to responsible church personnel who can outline a program of restoration somewhat similar to that for clergy who fail morally. It's not likely that anyone who submits to this discipline of repentance, professional intervention, and accountability will repeat the behavior that brought them down. Nevertheless, strong safeguards must be put in place to protect him and his victim(s), so that it cannot be repeated.
* And if the offender does not accept blame, what then?
This is the "Nothing Happened" scenario I discussed in my previous entry. In addition to outright denial, there are the situations where the offender is long gone to parts unknown or even has died before the victim can bring herself to speak of her experience. And I know of some instances where the girl/young woman, now fully mature, has decided not to confront her abuser. Then what?
Not every church has a well-trained counseling staff. Those who do should periodically make known their ability to deal with the issues faced by adult women who endured childhood sexual abuse. Those who do not have such counselors must let women know that church personnel are ready to refer them to qualified counselors whom they themselves would trust. A woman with deep, unresolved issues needs someone to understand her pain—even if the offender will not/cannot admit to causing it. I'm not sure how God deals with such, but I do know what Jesus said. “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble [speaking specifically of a child that was present], it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." (Mark 9:42) If there is no legal or ecclesiastical recourse, then it's completely up to God. The ultimate judgment of the offender's guilt and repentance can be safely left in God's hands.
If anger and bitterness, fear and shame are allowed to grow in a woman's heart, they will destroy her. Forgiveness of others and acceptance of herself, however long it takes for that to grow, is her hope for health and emotional well-being. To illustrate this: When a person has been stung by a honeybee, the stinger remains embedded in the skin, pulsing its venom. The longer the stinger is allowed to remain, the greater the amount of poison is pumped in. In childhood sexual abuse, a life has had poison inflicted upon it, and the stinger may still be there, forcing in a stream of venom. The message of Christ and His Church can offer the hope of restoration. "O death [and death-making experiences of life], where is your sting?" Death, where is your stinger? Shame, where is your stinger? Anger, where is your stinger? "Thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:55, 57)
Marjorie
Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Another Bad Word: Submission
This post was first published on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog on September 1, 2008, and is no longer located there.
Yesterday I stated that to people who misunderstand it, “authority” is a bad nine-letter word. Here is a ten-letter word, also with terrible meaning for many people: submission.
Did you think of any particular group of people when you read the above? Slaves? Probably not. Children? Maybe. Women, especially wives? Many women would answer, “Yes, without question.” Perhaps you didn’t think of wives at all; you wouldn’t have any reason to unless you had experienced the negative results of cultural and/or religious subordination of women. Especially in very conservative religious groups, there is concentrated teaching on the subjection of women to their husbands.
The Scripture passage often quoted for this view is an abbreviated version of I Peter 3:1, which says, “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” The shortened form we often use is only, “Wives, be submissive to your husbands.” Clearly, this is not all that the Scripture means to say. With the words, “in the same way,” Peter is referring back to verses in chapter 2. He speaks of suffering, reminding us that one can bear up under unjust suffering when he/she is God-conscious. He warns us, “To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” (I Peter 2:21-23) So what Peter is really saying is, "Women, be like Jesus."
We sometimes forget to continue reading verses further down on the page: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (I Peter 3:7) Some women bristle at the idea of being called weaker, but face it: females lack, usually, the size, the strength, and the vocal power of males. Men are called upon to treat those differences with respect. What Peter is really saying is, “Fellows, be like Jesus.” By ignoring the gracious gift of God’s life in both husband and wife, the man puts himself in grave danger: His prayers will be ineffectual.
Submission was not meant to create a master-servant relationship nor even a formal authority figure. It was not meant for the control of one person over another. Submission to each other was urged in order for there to be harmony. “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, ‘Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.’" (I Peter 3:8-12)
That sounds like a happy home to me.
Marjorie
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Yesterday I stated that to people who misunderstand it, “authority” is a bad nine-letter word. Here is a ten-letter word, also with terrible meaning for many people: submission.
Did you think of any particular group of people when you read the above? Slaves? Probably not. Children? Maybe. Women, especially wives? Many women would answer, “Yes, without question.” Perhaps you didn’t think of wives at all; you wouldn’t have any reason to unless you had experienced the negative results of cultural and/or religious subordination of women. Especially in very conservative religious groups, there is concentrated teaching on the subjection of women to their husbands.
The Scripture passage often quoted for this view is an abbreviated version of I Peter 3:1, which says, “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” The shortened form we often use is only, “Wives, be submissive to your husbands.” Clearly, this is not all that the Scripture means to say. With the words, “in the same way,” Peter is referring back to verses in chapter 2. He speaks of suffering, reminding us that one can bear up under unjust suffering when he/she is God-conscious. He warns us, “To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” (I Peter 2:21-23) So what Peter is really saying is, "Women, be like Jesus."
We sometimes forget to continue reading verses further down on the page: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (I Peter 3:7) Some women bristle at the idea of being called weaker, but face it: females lack, usually, the size, the strength, and the vocal power of males. Men are called upon to treat those differences with respect. What Peter is really saying is, “Fellows, be like Jesus.” By ignoring the gracious gift of God’s life in both husband and wife, the man puts himself in grave danger: His prayers will be ineffectual.
Submission was not meant to create a master-servant relationship nor even a formal authority figure. It was not meant for the control of one person over another. Submission to each other was urged in order for there to be harmony. “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, ‘Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.’" (I Peter 3:8-12)
That sounds like a happy home to me.
Marjorie
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Having Authority
This post was first published on my blog, "Finding the Faith Way," on August 16, 2008. It is repeated here as an entry that may hold special interest for women readers.
Authority, the dictionary tells me, means several things: for one, the power to enforce obedience. In practical affairs, we often think of it as the right to tell others what to do. Wouldn’t you think that if anyone has that right, it would be those who know the law best? One would suppose that interpreters of the law would have, above all others, the understanding of what is expected of those under them. In Jesus’ day, that would be the scribes and/or the Pharisees. And yet, when Jesus taught, people were amazed, not only at what He said, but how He said it: with real authority. Twice the Gospel writers tell us what happened. “When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.” (Matthew 7:28, 29 NIV) This was Jesus’ teaching called “the sermon on the mount.” In the synagogue at Capernaum, “The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law.” (Mark 1:22 NIV)
Those who listened were used to authority, even religious authority. But Jesus spoke with real authority, some versions emphasize, not like the other teachers. What made everyone so amazed at Jesus’ teaching? What’s the difference between real authority and not-real? Jesus did not enforce obedience; he invited obedience by His love and wisdom and hope.
Authority is a bad word to many people, a bad nine-letter word. They have no particular problem with submitting to governmental authority; they pay taxes, they obey traffic laws, they don’t participate in illegal activities. They deal successfully with authority in school or the workplace too. But when confronted with the idea of authority in the home or in the Church, they become confused, afraid, or stubborn. Why is this?
Authority in the places where the heart is drawn in—the home and the Church—where one’s most intimate self is exposed, can be a frightening concept. This is because many misunderstand what authority in these circumstances means. And who is it that most misunderstands? The authority figures themselves. It is perfectly clear to the person—most often a woman or a child in the home but anyone in the Church—who has been wounded by experiences of misuse or abuse what “authority” means. It means to be wary of those who can hurt them again. If the person(s) in authority cannot be trusted to act in one’s best interests, then it makes absolute sense to be watchful, perhaps even fearful of them.
There are indeed some willful women or naughty children and selfish, cranky church members. But far too often, those who say, “My wife won’t submit,” or “My kids better obey or else,” or “That church member is not conforming,” are requiring those who follow them to give up something of their personhood. They are asking that they themselves be lifted up as makers, interpreters, and enforcers of the law—and there is no one more dangerous to others in these situations than the person who presumes to know what is “good” or “right” for everyone and has the power to make them do it.
Jesus drew people, not with fear or threats, but with the force of love. Tax collectors and prostitutes knew He wouldn’t beat them into observing the law. Cowards and big-talkers alike knew there was grace for them. Children knew they would be welcome and gravitated to Him. The sick and the mentally ill and even a dying thief somehow knew they could ask loving favor from this Man. And this brings us to another definition of authority: the power to influence thought and behavior.
Authority, to a lot of people, is a bad nine-letter word. It can be reduced, though, to a couple of four-letter words: l-o-v-e or f-e-a-r. Only the first carries authority that is real. And that is Jesus’ style.
Authority, the dictionary tells me, means several things: for one, the power to enforce obedience. In practical affairs, we often think of it as the right to tell others what to do. Wouldn’t you think that if anyone has that right, it would be those who know the law best? One would suppose that interpreters of the law would have, above all others, the understanding of what is expected of those under them. In Jesus’ day, that would be the scribes and/or the Pharisees. And yet, when Jesus taught, people were amazed, not only at what He said, but how He said it: with real authority. Twice the Gospel writers tell us what happened. “When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.” (Matthew 7:28, 29 NIV) This was Jesus’ teaching called “the sermon on the mount.” In the synagogue at Capernaum, “The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law.” (Mark 1:22 NIV)
Those who listened were used to authority, even religious authority. But Jesus spoke with real authority, some versions emphasize, not like the other teachers. What made everyone so amazed at Jesus’ teaching? What’s the difference between real authority and not-real? Jesus did not enforce obedience; he invited obedience by His love and wisdom and hope.
Authority is a bad word to many people, a bad nine-letter word. They have no particular problem with submitting to governmental authority; they pay taxes, they obey traffic laws, they don’t participate in illegal activities. They deal successfully with authority in school or the workplace too. But when confronted with the idea of authority in the home or in the Church, they become confused, afraid, or stubborn. Why is this?
Authority in the places where the heart is drawn in—the home and the Church—where one’s most intimate self is exposed, can be a frightening concept. This is because many misunderstand what authority in these circumstances means. And who is it that most misunderstands? The authority figures themselves. It is perfectly clear to the person—most often a woman or a child in the home but anyone in the Church—who has been wounded by experiences of misuse or abuse what “authority” means. It means to be wary of those who can hurt them again. If the person(s) in authority cannot be trusted to act in one’s best interests, then it makes absolute sense to be watchful, perhaps even fearful of them.
There are indeed some willful women or naughty children and selfish, cranky church members. But far too often, those who say, “My wife won’t submit,” or “My kids better obey or else,” or “That church member is not conforming,” are requiring those who follow them to give up something of their personhood. They are asking that they themselves be lifted up as makers, interpreters, and enforcers of the law—and there is no one more dangerous to others in these situations than the person who presumes to know what is “good” or “right” for everyone and has the power to make them do it.
Jesus drew people, not with fear or threats, but with the force of love. Tax collectors and prostitutes knew He wouldn’t beat them into observing the law. Cowards and big-talkers alike knew there was grace for them. Children knew they would be welcome and gravitated to Him. The sick and the mentally ill and even a dying thief somehow knew they could ask loving favor from this Man. And this brings us to another definition of authority: the power to influence thought and behavior.
Authority, to a lot of people, is a bad nine-letter word. It can be reduced, though, to a couple of four-letter words: l-o-v-e or f-e-a-r. Only the first carries authority that is real. And that is Jesus’ style.
Marjorie
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
A note: Do you know who made the statement about “the most dangerous person”? If so, help me give credit.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Discomfort of Distinction
In the not-too-distant past, little girls were supposed to be pretty—and that's about all. Back then they were trained to be "nice," quiet, and deferential to their elders and to men and boys. That was before they excelled at sports, found out that they were as good at math as many of the fellows, or realized they too could become members of Congress, corporate presidents, airline pilots, and postal carriers.
Many modern girls do not hesitate to take on any challenge they wish, but if one lived in that earlier era, it can be uncomfortable to be outstanding. "Standing out" was painful, even if it was for achievement; discomfort accompanied distinction. I remember being embarrassed by having the best grade in second-year algebra; I was teased by the other students for being "smart." What they didn't know is that I cried over my homework, and spent before-school hours with the teacher patiently explaining things to me once more. Countless times throughout life, I hid my achievement so that my quiet efforts would not be rewarded with someone's taunts. Others may have been the target of unwelcome attention for their attractiveness, their interest in art or music, their congeniality or even their (father's) occupation and money. They too suffered from the discomfort of distinction.
Many women, especially those of the past couple of generations, have difficulty accepting the gifts God has given them, or what they have developed through their lifetime. Even if they can recognize their own abilities—which often they cannot—they hesitate to let them be seen by others and thus profitably used. Do you think the "parable of the talents" applies here? (Matthew 25:14-30)
Success can actually be painful for the person who prefers to remain unnoticed, especially if they have been taught that this is how they must act. While this may look like humility, sometimes it really is not. It is an over-developed consciousness of oneself. After all, the predominant motivation of the servant who hid the money instead of investing it was distrust of his master and fear for himself. Is it right for us to give less than the best we can to an endeavor because we are more conscious of what people think than of what the Master thinks? "Someone may think I'm showing off . . . or trying to act smart . . . or just getting attention . . . or whatever . . . "
No, go ahead and be the best chocolate cake baker and put your recipe in the church cookbook. It's okay if someone tells you how great your musical performance or your PTO chairmanship or your help at the community yard sale was; just say "Thank you." And don't be embarrassed by offering small things: a call, a casserole, a compliment.
Because what if Jesus were to think we are lazy and careless and afraid of Him?
Marjorie
Many modern girls do not hesitate to take on any challenge they wish, but if one lived in that earlier era, it can be uncomfortable to be outstanding. "Standing out" was painful, even if it was for achievement; discomfort accompanied distinction. I remember being embarrassed by having the best grade in second-year algebra; I was teased by the other students for being "smart." What they didn't know is that I cried over my homework, and spent before-school hours with the teacher patiently explaining things to me once more. Countless times throughout life, I hid my achievement so that my quiet efforts would not be rewarded with someone's taunts. Others may have been the target of unwelcome attention for their attractiveness, their interest in art or music, their congeniality or even their (father's) occupation and money. They too suffered from the discomfort of distinction.
Many women, especially those of the past couple of generations, have difficulty accepting the gifts God has given them, or what they have developed through their lifetime. Even if they can recognize their own abilities—which often they cannot—they hesitate to let them be seen by others and thus profitably used. Do you think the "parable of the talents" applies here? (Matthew 25:14-30)
The Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a
long trip. He called together his servants and entrusted his money to them while
he was gone. He gave five talents (bags of silver) to one, two talents (bags of
silver) to another, and one talent (bag of silver) to the last—dividing it in
proportion to their abilities. He then left on his trip. The servant who
received the five bags of silver invested his master's money and earned five
more. The servant with two bags of silver also went to work and earned two
more. But the servant who received the one bag of silver dug a hole in the
ground and hid the master’s money."
When the master returned from his trip, he called the servants to give an
account for what he had entrusted to them. The men to whom he had given
the five bags and the two bags came forward with the added earnings from their
investments. The master was full of praise and rewarded them with gracious
words and the promise of a celebration. Then the servant with the
one bag of silver came and said, "Master, I knew you were an exacting man. I was
afraid I would lose your money and disappoint you, so I hid it in the earth.
Look, here is your money back." The master called that servant wicked and
lazy and punished him for not making profitable use of what had been entrusted
to him.
Success can actually be painful for the person who prefers to remain unnoticed, especially if they have been taught that this is how they must act. While this may look like humility, sometimes it really is not. It is an over-developed consciousness of oneself. After all, the predominant motivation of the servant who hid the money instead of investing it was distrust of his master and fear for himself. Is it right for us to give less than the best we can to an endeavor because we are more conscious of what people think than of what the Master thinks? "Someone may think I'm showing off . . . or trying to act smart . . . or just getting attention . . . or whatever . . . "
No, go ahead and be the best chocolate cake baker and put your recipe in the church cookbook. It's okay if someone tells you how great your musical performance or your PTO chairmanship or your help at the community yard sale was; just say "Thank you." And don't be embarrassed by offering small things: a call, a casserole, a compliment.
Because what if Jesus were to think we are lazy and careless and afraid of Him?
Marjorie
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Ahead of the Culture
We don't always get a clear picture of Bible women when we extract only certain examples from the Scripture. There was the disobedient Eve and the treacherous Jezebel and Lot's reluctant wife. If we conclude that this is "how women were," we miss the grand challenge of Esther and Abigail and Mary of Bethany and the lesser-known Dorcas and the daughters of Zelophehad. If we focus on Abram's lies about his wife or Jephthah's ignorant treatment of his daughter and believe that all women were treated as property, we are not taking into account Elkanah's love for Hannah or Barak's confidence in Deborah's leadership. If we take a narrow view of Sarai as the submissive wife and of the silenced women at Corinth, we may say, "And this is how women should be." I doubt that there is any woman described in Scripture whose life we can take in every single aspect and relate it to our own.
I have come to the conclusion that whatever one has determined a Christian woman should be, Scripture can be found to corroborate that view! Women have, for a long time, recognized that organized religion lags somewhat behind our other social institutions, in that it does not grant to a large number of them equal opportunities along with men to participate in ministry and leadership and to represent faithfully the cause of Christ. Most often the rationale for their exclusion is, "That rule is straight from the Bible. Just read . . . [whatever Scripture seems to support the position]."
If we do "just read the Scripture," we may find something quite different than we have supposed. God was not, and is not sexist. In both the Old and New Testaments, we find some women of faith who were remarkably ahead of the culture around them. Many scholars agree that Jesus brought new dignity to women by including them among His followers, but long before that, the creation passages tell us that both man and woman were created in God's image. "So God created man [not just a man, but a whole new species: human beings] in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27 NIV) I am quite confident that God did not intend us to be second-class citizens!
For some of us, claiming our selves as Christian women is an arduous task. Our religious training, our early authorities, and the role models they prescribed for us have a great impact on how we see ourselves. We cannot change those early influences, but we can examine them. It is not wrong to do so, in fact, it is essential to spiritual growth. Part of maturity is learning to evaluate our beliefs. "Is what I am thinking based on what the Scripture says or only on what someone says it says? Am I considering the whole tone of Scripture or only a selection of 'proof' texts? Has more recent Biblical scholarship improved the understanding we had fifty or a hundred or two hundred years ago?"
A huge factor in how we see ourselves is how we presently permit others to relate to us. Here it is difficult to determine—like deciding which came first, the chicken or the egg—what is cause and what is effect. In some sense, we teach people how they can treat us by what we think of our own selves; on the other hand, how people treat us affects that self-evaluation. Whichever it is, cause or effect, we as individuals are the only ones who can break the unhappy cycle. Whether by personal reflection, serious Bible study, counsel from others, re-framing the past, or intellectual decision, gaining an appropriate self-esteem is a goal to be pursued. You may or may not be ahead of most of the culture around you, but wherever your opinion comes to rest along the wide spectrum of thought concerning the wisdom and worth of women, there will be others on either side!
You can probably even find a Biblical counterpart!
Marjorie
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
I have come to the conclusion that whatever one has determined a Christian woman should be, Scripture can be found to corroborate that view! Women have, for a long time, recognized that organized religion lags somewhat behind our other social institutions, in that it does not grant to a large number of them equal opportunities along with men to participate in ministry and leadership and to represent faithfully the cause of Christ. Most often the rationale for their exclusion is, "That rule is straight from the Bible. Just read . . . [whatever Scripture seems to support the position]."
If we do "just read the Scripture," we may find something quite different than we have supposed. God was not, and is not sexist. In both the Old and New Testaments, we find some women of faith who were remarkably ahead of the culture around them. Many scholars agree that Jesus brought new dignity to women by including them among His followers, but long before that, the creation passages tell us that both man and woman were created in God's image. "So God created man [not just a man, but a whole new species: human beings] in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27 NIV) I am quite confident that God did not intend us to be second-class citizens!
For some of us, claiming our selves as Christian women is an arduous task. Our religious training, our early authorities, and the role models they prescribed for us have a great impact on how we see ourselves. We cannot change those early influences, but we can examine them. It is not wrong to do so, in fact, it is essential to spiritual growth. Part of maturity is learning to evaluate our beliefs. "Is what I am thinking based on what the Scripture says or only on what someone says it says? Am I considering the whole tone of Scripture or only a selection of 'proof' texts? Has more recent Biblical scholarship improved the understanding we had fifty or a hundred or two hundred years ago?"
A huge factor in how we see ourselves is how we presently permit others to relate to us. Here it is difficult to determine—like deciding which came first, the chicken or the egg—what is cause and what is effect. In some sense, we teach people how they can treat us by what we think of our own selves; on the other hand, how people treat us affects that self-evaluation. Whichever it is, cause or effect, we as individuals are the only ones who can break the unhappy cycle. Whether by personal reflection, serious Bible study, counsel from others, re-framing the past, or intellectual decision, gaining an appropriate self-esteem is a goal to be pursued. You may or may not be ahead of most of the culture around you, but wherever your opinion comes to rest along the wide spectrum of thought concerning the wisdom and worth of women, there will be others on either side!
You can probably even find a Biblical counterpart!
Marjorie
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
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