Acting In

Distressed individuals—adults as well as children—are sometimes said to be "acting out" when their internal conflict or painful emotions are expressed in outward behavior that is unhealthy and defensive. Their actions may even be destructive or dangerous to themselves and others. At the very least, they are irritating, but correcting the situation is not always as simple as just suggesting or demanding that the behavior stop. Most often, the impulses are not conscious

Acting out may be expressed as anger: hurting someone (or an animal), breaking things, creating a scene, taking aggressive actions like road-rage incidents, using abusive language, blaming, and seeking a way to "get even." It may also take the form of fear: helplessness, over-dependence, anxiety.

"Acting in" has the same basis. It is hard for many women to acknowledge anger and deal with it. For those of us brought up more than a generation ago, it was verboten (forbidden) just because it was unsuitable for women—especially Christian women—to "get mad." Fear was not acceptable either and "nervous" women were scorned.

But these emotions have to go somewhere. If release is not permitted in healthy outward ways—more about that later—they will get stored internally. Anger or fear turned inward on oneself can do all kinds of damage including:

- Obsessive thinking about the painful situation
- Trouble eating or sleeping
- Overeating or sleeping too much
- Depression
- Irritability, crying
- Physical illness
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering
- Inability to function

There is no one sure-fire way of dealing with the strong feelings of rage or anxiety that accompany deep conflict, but many people find that it is helpful to let the body express that emotion. One may write a letter—to be mailed or not—to the person responsible for her hurt. Or she can personalize her emotion and write a letter or speak to an empty chair what she is feeling. ("Well, Betrayal or Grief or Disaster, you found me didn't you?") You can hit a tennis ball or pound a pillow. You can express yourself in music or art. We have to find some way to calm the impulse we have to lash out at anyone or anything, or to create as much havoc as possible, or to beat up on ourselves. And don't forget, you can without embarrassment seek the help of a mental-health professional, and your medical doctor as well if things are completely out of balance.

Make a conscious effort to bring your thoughts to the positive present: "I can manage, and I will." The more that anger and fear can be expressed in structured ways, the less there will be left for acting out. Or acting in.

Marjorie