Love Thinks No Evil

Not long ago I read again the story of the Amish schoolhouse killings in 2006, and marveled at the extraordinary forgiveness demonstrated by the community.

One of the fathers told his son "We mustn't think evil."  (King James scripture tells us that love thinks  no evil.)  What does that mean, I wondered? Maybe he really meant—and I have to admire it—"Don't judge the man who did this; don't dwell on it." At the same time, are we not to recognize that what this man did was a heinous crime? Are we not to think that his deeds—and the intentions he demonstrably had but did not carry out—were anything but evil? Should he not have to suffer consequences?  (Actually, he did take his own life.) This idea troubles me.

We sometimes take only Jesus' admonition, "Judge not" and omit the rest of what He said. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Matthew 7:1, 2 NIV) Jesus was aiming at hypocrites, those who would want "justice for you and mercy for me." He made it clear enough that we can spot those who falsely make claims by examining the fruit of their lives. When I go to the store, I can pick a good melon or pass by the bruised peaches. Yes, I am judging! In much the same way, I look for evidence of spiritual life and health. But a warning! My criteria for that "judgment" will certainly be used for my life also. As I judge others, I too will be judged by them.

"To the pure, all things are pure." I read once that this means those who think purely—clearly, without personal agenda—see things as they really are. I would hope that we can think straight enough to see that this terrible incident in the Amish community was "purely evil," entirely, wholly wrong. In that sense, we judge. We are not the ones who make a legal judgment; judges and juries do that. We do not make an eternal one; only God can do that. But let us not confuse "thinking no evil" with closing our eyes to terrible realities. Wrong is wrong, however you look at it. The option we have is choosing whether to take it into ourselves and let it fester or to maintain attention on what is true and noble and just. (See Philippians 5:8)

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

"My Bad"

Matt was accused of creating the problems in his domestic life, and right or wrong, he accepted the blame. Doing so, made him look like a bad person. But I know Matt, and I know he is not a bad person. So that caused me to start pondering—"Are blame for doing a bad thing and being bad really the same thing? Why do we mix them up?"

I grew up thinking they were much the same. Back then, if someone said, "It's your fault," I took that to mean, "Then you are a bad person." We had not yet come to saying as in today's vernacular, "My bad," meaning "I did something wrong, or foolish, or just by mistake." This admission does not carry the sense that I believe that I am a bad person or that you will think I am. And that is quite a good thing.

Good people and well-meaning people sometimes do bad things. Abraham lied, twice, about his relationship to his wife beautiful Sarah, pitting her at risk. King David dallied with a female subject and subsequently planned the murder of her husband. Peter adamantly refused to extend the Gospel past his own ethnicity. Paul's confessed that he, with his impeccable heritage, was the worst of all sinners.

These same individuals, repentant and redeemed, were not bad people. Abraham was known as a friend of God, and David was called a man after God's own heart. Peter accepted the Divine instruction that the Gospel was for Gentiles also. Paul declared at life's end, "I have kept the faith, and there's a crown for me." Obviously, admitting that "Yes, I am a sinner; yes, I have behaved like a sinner" does not make a person beyond the reach of grace.

A trick that Satan is fond of sung on Christians: the belief that they are irretrievably bad. Standing up to our responsibility, admitting "my bad," is very different from defeatedly bowing under constant blame heaped on by the devil or by unhappy people or even by our own hopeful selves. Instead, "I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels." (Isaiah 61:10)

What an exchange! My "badness" or fearful sense of "badness" for His goodness!

Marjorie

Scripture quotation taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

The Lifter of My Head

I remember acutely the day that a set of circumstances closed around me, and it became clear that I had made some serious errors. All unknowing, I had made unwise decisions on top of coerced actions on top of misguided trust, and that had led me to a deep, dark place. "I am so ashamed," I confessed to a friend. "I don't want to be around people. I don't want them to see me."

"You have done nothing wrong," the other assured me. "But still, it's okay to take a little break." Those words were most helpful, for what I needed was to understand that I did not have to bow to remorse and shame; in a few days when I met people again, I could hold my head up.

"Many are they who say of me, 'There is no help for him in God.' But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head." I cried to the LORD with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill." (Psalm 3:2-4 NKJV)

Shame, I think, is a common part of the human condition, at least ever since Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden. Only after disobeying God, they felt naked and defenseless. They were ashamed.

Our personal shame arises from many sources: From a shame-filled upbringing. From an uninformed or misguided conscience. From our own shortcomings, real or perceived. From an inability to handle objectively the opinions of others. But the difficult thing about shame is that I cannot do anything much to relieve it; guilt is handled by repentance and restitution, but shame is deeper than that. It strikes not at what I have done, but who I am.

That is what God changes—who I am. "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (II Corinthians 5:17 NLT) Shame, because we are Adam's race, is part of being human. It cannot really be evaded. But it can be healed by the One who is the "Lifter of My Head."

Marjorie

Scripture marked NKJV is taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Forgive

If I had but a single word to share for my friends and myself to carry into the New Year, it would be "forgive."

FORGIVENESS opens the way to freedom from my own guilt. "In prayer there
is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness
from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your
part, you cut yourself off from God's part." (Matthew 6:14, 15
MSG)

FORGIVENESS reminds me of my own pardon and redemption. "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32 NASB)

FORGIVENESS unclutters the channel for God's blessing. “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate." "Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it." (Luke 6:35, 36; I Peter 3:9 NLT)

FORGIVENESS demonstrates trust in God's process of justice. "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." "Romans 12:19, 20 NIV)

FORGIVENESS makes reconciliation a possibility. "If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love." (Matthew 18:15-17 MSG)

FORGIVENESS enables those around me to benefit from my wholesome attitude. "Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” (Hebrews 12:14, 15 NLT)

FORGIVENESS leaves my mind free for productive thinking. "Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts." (Colossians 3:12-16 NLT)

The following prayer has long been attributed to the 13th century saint, Francis of Assisi, although in its present form it can be traced back only to 1912, when it appeared anonymously in a French publication.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

Marjorie

Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture marked NASB is from the New American Standard Bible, used by permission of The Lockman Foundation, www.lockman.org Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

The Path of Forgiveness

The following poem was first published on July 31, 2008, on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a path--
Not summit to be claimed--
That all the way is stained
With secret tears
And blood-red mercy-drops,
The Lord's and mine.

Forgiveness is a path.
The Betrayed One's nail-marked hand
Will safely guide
My Cross-ward steps
Through valley hemmed with pain
And dark as death.

Forgiveness is a path
I do not walk alone.
Before, beside, within,
The One-Who-Sees
Is present to beseech
When I cannot,
"Father, forgive."

Marjorie

Growing Forgiveness

Considering the difficult subjects I've considered the last few times I've written, perhaps it is time to share again a post first published on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog on August 11, 2008. This is how I see forgiveness growing—slowly sometimes, not all at once.

The Tiny Flower of Forgiveness

A friend betrayed me.

I confessed to a confidante, ”Something deep inside me is broken, and I don't even know what it is.” And I questioned myself, “Am I resentful? Have I let my hurt become anger, and my disappointment turn into bitterness? Am I unforgiving? How can I deal with the unknown?"

The Psalmist had the answer. He prayed, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23, 24 NKJV)

The Lord was very gentle with me. He knows how very deep the wounds of the heart can be. He too was betrayed. He told me, "That little movement of compassion in your heart? That is the tiny flower of forgiveness. It is very tender now, but if you protect and nurture it, it will grow."

So I watered it with tears; I fertilized it with the compost of dead hopes; I turned under, again and again, the stubborn earth of unhappy memories. And the tiny flower of forgiveness grew and bloomed.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Restorative Justice

Here is what churches may do for those who have suffered childhood sexual abuse.

* Acknowledge that child abuse is an issue.
If the Church is doing its job, there are going to be sinners in the crowd, some openly acknowledging their condition, others wearing a cloak of respectable church-ianity. The community of God's people is not exempt from sexual misconduct. If it were, we would not have many verses of Biblical injunction recorded in Leviticus and Deuteronomy and in Paul's epistles.

I have been attending church all my life, quite a long while now, and I cannot remember ever having heard a caution mentioned regarding child abuse in the home.. Of course, for half of my lifetime, sexual matters were hardly discussed anywhere—not even between husband and wife, not even in the doctor's office, and just barely with your children. But with the "sexual revolution" of the 60's, that changed. So let's say, it's been forty years of church-going for me. I estimate I've attended six thousand regular church services and countless other church-related activities. I've heard, "Protect our children from an evil-intentioned stranger"—yes, but never, "Mothers, teach your children respect for their bodies. Be alert. Listen to your kids. Believe them." I've never heard, "Dads, you have a holy responsibility to live a love that reflects that of the Heavenly Father. Teach your kids what is right to expect from the men in their lives."

* Provide protection.
Churches have a double responsibility to protect children in the faith community: a legal liability, depending on the state law, and a spiritual accountability to the Master who said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them!" (Luke 18:16) It is not enough to warn children—and their parents and caregivers—about "stranger danger." Some churches have elaborate systems to prevent children being taken away from nurseries, classrooms, or day-care centers by unauthorized persons. Many churches have taken steps to see that the children's workers are carefully screened, and they use every precaution to avoid even an appearance of impropriety. Yet in these same churches, it is often true that no one would dare question the parents of children who manifest definite signs of abuse.

Laws vary from state to state about reporting child abuse, but most say something like this: "Any medical practitioner; school or day-care professional; law enforcement officer; registered or licensed nurse, social worker, psychologist or employee of social services who has reasonable cause to believe that a child (or developmentally disabled person) has suffered abuse or neglect, must report such incident or cause a report to be made to the appropriate public protection agency"—this within a certain time frame, such as forty-eight hours. While some states' laws may exempt the clergy, or be unclear about required reporting, it is in the best interest of children for the Church to take some responsibility for their welfare and to report abuse appropriately. Churches often require their staff, paid and volunteer, to report suspected abuse first to a designated pastor or church officer, and strict confidentiality measures are in place.

I understand the Church's desire to protect parents as much as is legally possible from undue interference by outside authority. So some churches take steps to interview the parents, with or without the person who has concluded there is "reasonable cause" to suspect abuse. Others are not in the investigative business at all and will leave the matter entirely up to the public system. Either way, there is a price to pay: the suspected or guilty offender is likely just to withdraw from that faith community or, if he decides to stay, there will be time and effort involved in keeping a supportive relationship with him and the family (This does not exclude the need for professional counseling for any or all of the family members; indeed, it is probably essential.) Being "under Church discipline" is difficult for everyone involved.

If you are in a place of church leadership, although this may not be a personal issue for you, become informed and be alert. The Church has been asleep on this issue. It is time to take a stand, and that must be before it happens. "This is not right. This is a crime. This will not be tolerated."

* Seek to restore the wounded.
It is an injustice to both victim and offender for us to agree tacitly, "Well, probably nothing happened. Or if it did, it's over now." It's not over now. Neither of the individuals will be healed without restorative justice done—some recompense to the victim and some cost to the perpetrator. Even if the legal system has exacted a penalty from the offender, it is the work of the Church to offer healing and redemption.

One woman who had been wronged said, "I don't want him to go to hell. I just want him to be sorry. Is it wrong for me to want him to be sorry?" Of course, it is not wrong. The God who made us in His image is a just God. We want justice. We do not have to wish evil on an offender (although it is really difficult not to); the very least we can ask is for him to be sorry. I don't wish for the Church to become cruel or harsh, but perhaps confession needs to be made to responsible church personnel who can outline a program of restoration somewhat similar to that for clergy who fail morally. It's not likely that anyone who submits to this discipline of repentance, professional intervention, and accountability will repeat the behavior that brought them down. Nevertheless, strong safeguards must be put in place to protect him and his victim(s), so that it cannot be repeated.

* And if the offender does not accept blame, what then?
This is the "Nothing Happened" scenario I discussed in my previous entry. In addition to outright denial, there are the situations where the offender is long gone to parts unknown or even has died before the victim can bring herself to speak of her experience. And I know of some instances where the girl/young woman, now fully mature, has decided not to confront her abuser. Then what?

Not every church has a well-trained counseling staff. Those who do should periodically make known their ability to deal with the issues faced by adult women who endured childhood sexual abuse. Those who do not have such counselors must let women know that church personnel are ready to refer them to qualified counselors whom they themselves would trust. A woman with deep, unresolved issues needs someone to understand her pain—even if the offender will not/cannot admit to causing it. I'm not sure how God deals with such, but I do know what Jesus said. “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble [speaking specifically of a child that was present], it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." (Mark 9:42) If there is no legal or ecclesiastical recourse, then it's completely up to God. The ultimate judgment of the offender's guilt and repentance can be safely left in God's hands.

If anger and bitterness, fear and shame are allowed to grow in a woman's heart, they will destroy her. Forgiveness of others and acceptance of herself, however long it takes for that to grow, is her hope for health and emotional well-being. To illustrate this: When a person has been stung by a honeybee, the stinger remains embedded in the skin, pulsing its venom. The longer the stinger is allowed to remain, the greater the amount of poison is pumped in. In childhood sexual abuse, a life has had poison inflicted upon it, and the stinger may still be there, forcing in a stream of venom. The message of Christ and His Church can offer the hope of restoration. "O death [and death-making experiences of life], where is your sting?" Death, where is your stinger? Shame, where is your stinger? Anger, where is your stinger? "Thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:55, 57)

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Genny's Story - 8: Learning to Help Myself

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny talks about specific actions of her own that helped her recover from experiencing abuse.

Marjorie: You said that several things the counselor suggested were helpful to you in recovery, including journaling. Tell us a little about that.

Genny: I am a Christian, but still, forgiveness was a huge issue for me even though Jim and I were no longer together. I had been really terribly wronged, and I had miserable memories. But I knew I did not want to live with bitterness that would eat up my life. So a very important exercise for me was taking a bunch of note cards and organizing all the offenses I could think of that Jim had committed against me. I actually sorted and color-coded them! The first group was the things that irritate "everybody." Maybe ninety-five out of a hundred wives have a husband who tells them how to drive! Lots of husbands don't know how to sort laundry or they put off getting a haircut. I decided I should just forget those things. In the big picture, they are pretty inconsequential.

The next grouping was of the things that had made living with Jim harder than it had to be, but he had little awareness of how to make life run smoothly. He didn't tune in very well to anyone's feelings—not even his own. Everything was pretty much on the surface where words could get him by. So here I put a lot of things like always being late and not showering often enough and "forgetting" to carry his snack stuff back to the kitchen and making a great deal of noise. I remembered the verse that says "charity covers the multitude of sins," and I thought that's what I should do about these things—just deliberately choose to let love be bigger than they were. They had made life with Jim difficult, but they were not truly damaging.

Then there were the genuine wrongs against me: the control, the harsh words, the unkind comparisons, the deceit and lies, the selfishness and laziness. It was hard, but the only thing I could do about those past offenses was to forgive. "If you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive you." I forgave, and then if I remembered the hurtful thing again, I forgave again. Over and over. I still do.

And the last category was sin against God. I had to come to grips with the truth that some of the things in Jim's life are things that God's Word says He hates. Cursing, lust, lies, anger and evil-speaking . . .

M: And his abuse of you?

[Here Genny was silent for a long time.]

M: Is abuse an offense against God?

G: Yes. It breaks His second-greatest commandment. Love.

M: And what could you do about those wrongs?

G: It took me quite awhile to accept that that there was not one single thing I could do about them. Those are God's business, and I just have to leave it up to Him. His love for Jim is as great as His love for me, although I know He isn't pleased with Jim's choices about how to respond to that love. The choices he made would not have hurt me either, if I had not loved him. That is the risk love takes when we marry. It's the risk God takes all the time with each of us.

M: What would you say was the most difficult for you of all those offenses you listed?

G: I think the hardest was coming to the realization and then the acceptance that Jim had never really loved me.

M: And why do you come to that conclusion?

G: Because love doesn't do the things Jim did. No matter how I look at it, it just doesn't. Read the love chapter in the Bible, and you'll see how love behaves. I tried and tried to come up with some other answer, and as long as I was evading what was obvious truth, I wasn't healing. When I ruthlessly said to myself, "Okay, he didn't love me. Deal with it," I then began to gain control of my thoughts and emotions. That did not ease the sorrow, but you know, truth really does set us free, even if the truth is a terrible thing to face

M: But you said earlier that Jim asked you to marry him because he wanted you in his life. Wasn't that love?

G: No, he didn't actually say he wanted me in his life. He needed me, and I wasn't tuned in to that difference before we married. I believe he wanted my stability, my reputation with people, my active faith, my established home—maybe my steady income too, I don't know! Only later did I realize that he never did say, "I want to try to make your life easier and happier. I want to provide for you. I want to be with you always."

I wouldn't go so far as to say Jim set out to hurt me and make my life miserable. Control me? Yes, but I don't think he deliberately decided to do what would bring me pain. Use me? Yes, but that is just the way he expected the relationship to work. And he may well have thought that marriage would somehow make him different from the man he knew himself to be. He may have believed that a stable home and a loving wife were the answer to his misbehavior and have been surprised to find that it was not. I think he didn't really plan for this to cost him anything, and when he realized that love itself has demands—even though I was not personally making them—he opted out in every imaginable way: emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. And then blamed me for his inadequacies!

To be continued.