A Family Christmas

I have been away from this blog for awhile, tending to some other writing projects. I hope to be more attentive to the call of this work too, so keep checking back!

Merry Christmas! Yesterday, my supervisor at work was making the rounds of our department where there are many desks and work stations, greeting us with holiday wishes. After stopping at one desk, she asked us all, “How many in this room have family issues to deal with over the holidays?” A chorus of voices and raised hands answered in the affirmative. I did not, and thought again how grateful I am for a loving and supportive family. There will not be many expensive presents, but we'll not go away grumpy and disappointed! There will be plenty of warmth and love for everyone. There will not be a big dinner, but rather a plentiful “brunch” spread of simple food. (More sausage gravy, anyone? Another helping of fried apples?)

I have just returned from a Christmas Eve service, which I attended at 3 p. m. since I don't any longer drive after dark. I went to a church other than my own, so I was not sure what to expect. I came away with tears of emotion on my cheeks. A pianist played many traditional carols before the service began, and a rousing rendition of “Go Tell It on the Mountain” as were were dismissed! The prayers and singing were meaningful, and I participated in the communion service as well. The sanctuary has only one window, a large stained glass one behind the platform, so it was quite dark enough for the candle-lighting ceremony. All in all, it was a lovely Christmas celebration with the larger family of faith.

I realize the holidays may not be that easy for everyone. Some people dread the holidays because it will mean “pretending nice” to people they don't really like. Sometimes even the sounds and smells of Christmas are enough to bring back unhappy memories of occasions past. In either case, one cannot just turn off the “trigger” and not care that it was there to cause distress. Perhaps it would help to focus, not on a troubling situation or an unhappy memory, but on the simple fact that Christmas reminds us once again of the Savior who came into an earthly family to lead us out of darkness into His light.

Now I'm off to wrap gifts, and once in awhile I'll check Santa's travel progress on the NORAD site!

Marjorie

A Memorial and a Name

In long ago days, a harem-keeper or sometimes a chamberlain was an emasculated man. The Old Testament law excluded these "mutilated" men, and foreigners also, from service in high religious offices. Certainly their lament might have been, "I have no children, no one to carry on my name, no future." The prophet Isaiah, however, pronounced wonderful blessing for these who were lacking a position of privilege. Today, our access is no longer according to the narrow legal regulations of the former time, and everyone may enjoy spiritual blessing. Perhaps, though, those who have been disenfranchised by society's intolerance may have a particular right to appropriate these verses (which I've adapted a bit.)

“Don’t let foreigners who commit themselves to the LORD say, ‘The LORD will never let me be part of his people.’ And don’t let the [forgotten ones] say, ‘I’m a dried-up tree with no children and no future.’ For this is what the LORD says: I will bless those [lonely ones] who keep my Sabbath days holy and who choose to do what pleases me and commit their lives to me. I will give them—within the walls of my house—a memorial and a name far greater than sons and daughters could give. For the name I give them is an everlasting one. It will never disappear!" (Isaiah 56:3-5)

An inheritance of sons and daughters brings with it care and sometimes, along with delight, more than a little grief and shame. The blessings we receive from God, however, are not bitter. "The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow with it." (Proverbs 10:22) Spiritual blessings are far greater than having sons and daughters, as much as a person may desire them. Three things are gifts:

In the present, a welcome: No one, regardless of their position in life, should ever say, "I can't be one of God's people; I'm not good enough." Of course, no one is! We are redeemed, and we are made welcome by the worthiness of Christ our Lord.

For the past, acceptance and a memorial that reminds watching worlds that this child of God has been faithful and obedient through the most difficult of circumstances.

For the future, an everlasting name. John the Revelator wrote, "To everyone who is victorious . . . I [Christ] will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it." We cannot fathom what that means, but what a special treasure!

Never suppose, if life has passed you by in some way, that you are the loser for it. God has a way of restoring what has been lost or stolen.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004.  Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America.  All rights reserved.

Responsibility

There are only two kinds of responsibility that we ordinarily face:

Mine and

      Not Mine.

Differentiating between the two can be a tricky proposition; we don't always know what is mine and what is not mine. However, our success as parents and employees, as citizens of our country and world, and as Christians depends on our ability to take our own responsibilities and let others (and God Himself) assume theirs.

For starters, here are some of My Responsibilities:

For the life I have now. Regardless of what my past held and how it formed me, I must take charge of how I respond to today's challenges. No matter who has influenced me and what events have developed my worldview, I am the only one who can, with God's help, grow into who I should be. That may involve change; nobody can do that for me, and even God won't do it without my cooperation!

For letting go of things I should not or cannot control. I can no longer manage the affairs of my child, now an adult, whom I once had to guide and direct. I cannot change the personality of the one with whom I find it difficult to get along. I can do but a little to change the way things are run in my church or my country; what I can do cheerfully and without force is mine to do, but fuming about the state of affairs does not accomplish anything.

For integrity. If I am specifically given accountability for tasks, situations, individuals or groups, I am to administer love with both mercy and justice as I myself would want to be treated.

For demonstrating reconciliation. This is the message of the Gospel, and I should reflect in my own relationships what God has for all who will accept His offer.

Not Mine.

What is yours before God.

Marjorie

Who Am I?

We often short-change ourselves by accepting an incomplete definition of "who am I?" We explain who we are by saying I'm Jake's wife or Bobby's mother, Susie's piano teacher or debate coach. We introduce ourselves by what we do: I am the president at BigStuff Productions, I am a CPA, I'm a pest exterminator. An unfortunate thing about such identity markers is that they don't last. How will the woman define herself when Jake is no longer in the picture, Bobby has grown up and left home, or she isn't able to give piano lessons any more? What happens when the company president or the CPA retires, and if pest control is done by huge municipal enterprises?

Sometimes, and often without realizing it, we define ourselves—especially to ourselves—by some experience in our past. "I am the adult child of an alcoholic," "I am the victim of a rape," "I was abused as a child," "I'm a divorcee," "I served time in prison," "I killed people during the war." It's completely understandable that circumstances like these would mark indelibly the one who experienced them. It's not wise or right to minimize the ensuing trauma; I clearly favor getting appropriate support services along with professional help as needed.

However, the sooner one can let go of the limited naming of oneself the better. "I am not that role or that job; it cannot define me. I am something even bigger and better." And the sooner one can let go of the negative naming of oneself the better. "I am not that experience. My divorce—my mother's alcoholism—my abuse—my crime does not define me. I am something other than, and more than, that trauma."

I am made in the image of God.
I am His child, redeemed by the Savior.
I am called by name, and tenderly led by the Great Shepherd.
I am choice in God's sight, the "apple of His eye."
I have an advocate in Jesus, someone who stands up for me.
I am part of the Body of Christ, placed there with purpose.
I have gifts to share, given by the Spirit of God.
I have eternity in my heart—now and forever.

Who am I? What defines me? Who God says I am.

Marjorie

The Lifter of My Head

I remember acutely the day that a set of circumstances closed around me, and it became clear that I had made some serious errors. All unknowing, I had made unwise decisions on top of coerced actions on top of misguided trust, and that had led me to a deep, dark place. "I am so ashamed," I confessed to a friend. "I don't want to be around people. I don't want them to see me."

"You have done nothing wrong," the other assured me. "But still, it's okay to take a little break." Those words were most helpful, for what I needed was to understand that I did not have to bow to remorse and shame; in a few days when I met people again, I could hold my head up.

"Many are they who say of me, 'There is no help for him in God.' But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head." I cried to the LORD with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill." (Psalm 3:2-4 NKJV)

Shame, I think, is a common part of the human condition, at least ever since Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden. Only after disobeying God, they felt naked and defenseless. They were ashamed.

Our personal shame arises from many sources: From a shame-filled upbringing. From an uninformed or misguided conscience. From our own shortcomings, real or perceived. From an inability to handle objectively the opinions of others. But the difficult thing about shame is that I cannot do anything much to relieve it; guilt is handled by repentance and restitution, but shame is deeper than that. It strikes not at what I have done, but who I am.

That is what God changes—who I am. "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (II Corinthians 5:17 NLT) Shame, because we are Adam's race, is part of being human. It cannot really be evaded. But it can be healed by the One who is the "Lifter of My Head."

Marjorie

Scripture marked NKJV is taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Different Families

All of us grow up in different families, even if we are born to the same parents and live in the same house! My sister has told me, especially as I relate "Things Mama Taught Me" on my Finding the Faith Way blog, "You had different parents than I had. That's not the mother I knew."

When I was born, I was the baby girl who followed two boys. When my mother realized that she now had the daughter she wanted so much, she was convinced she would never be unhappy again. (Oh my! How naïve she was!) I realize now, as an adult, that my mother was thus confessing that there were times when she was, in fact, unhappy. Not just exasperated with a couple of rowdy boys, not just tired from a farm-wife's duties, not just worried about some things the household lacked—but unhappy. That makes me sad. My mother had an early ambition to be a nurse or a teacher. She graduated from high school, something not every girl did in those days. Did the role of wife and mother stifle the creative urge I am certain she possessed? I will never know. But of course, this woman at thirty-five was very different from the girl of nineteen.

Here are some of the ordinary things that make the same family "different". (I have left out the really awful things like death of a parent, abuse or abandonment, loss of the home, the unexpected and unwanted child, and so on.)

4Some family members are a good fit. They are at ease together, they understand each other, they like each other. Others are not such a good fit--you wouldn't select them as friends if you were doing the choosing! We sometimes say, "He is like a brother (or a father) to me." "She is the mother (or the sister) I did not have." This statement reveals our yearning for the ideal—often an impossible one—that our real father or mother, brother or sister did not, and indeed could not, meet. This idealistic idea of love is one reason that many a person grows up feeling unloved.

4Unloved does not necessarily mean deprived or neglected. It means just what it says, "not loved." The opposite of love is not always—as we've usually been taught—hate. The opposite of love is often apathy, another reason for being "unloved." Whatever the cause, some parents are unable to nurture their offspring emotionally. They are just too busy. Or they are oppressed financially. They know only one way to treat children: the way they themselves were treated. They are at odds with each other. They hate their jobs, or they don't have one at all. They don't like themselves, and they don't really like kids either, or at least not so many of them!

4Perceived differences can make children feel unloved. To them, "fair" means equal opportunity or the very same treatment. This isn't realistic. Children are not the same and have different needs; parents, because they are human, may—aware or not—show favoritism. (Yes, it does happen in good families. Look at Joseph's story in the Bible!) However, studies show that preferential treatment may not be for the person himself/herself since it often doesn't continue all through the child's development. The preference may be for the life stage of the child—as a darling infant or the adorable toddler or precocious five-year old. What sibling can process this accurately?

We shouldn't be too surprised that two people born to the same parents and raised in the same home do not think and feel and act the same. The very fact of each one's birth changed the dynamics and created a different family.

Marjorie

Information about the study I mentioned is from Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt authored by Peg Streep.

Accepting Reality

Accepting something does not necessarily mean we welcome it or even like it now that it's here. Acceptance means we stop trying to change what is. (Can you stand to hear one more person say, "It is what it is"? However, that is often the truth about the situation—it simply is.)

Some of us are cautious when it comes to acceptance. We are afraid it might mean pretending things don't matter. It does not. And neither does it mean becoming hardened to people and their problems—or refusing to recognize that we too have needs and problems. Accepting reality does not mean we are weak, apt to be a pushover for anyone who would take advantage of us. You can't push a rope.

Accepting reality means, among other things, that we stop trying to change situations that cannot be changed. This would include things already in the past. In our more rational moments, we know that we cannot change what has already taken place; we cannot make something "un-happen." Still, in our minds, we go over and over the situation as though fussing with it once more will surely yield a different outcome this time. Our energy should be poured instead into working with the present situation to transform it into what it ought to be, here and now. Take advice from "Mother Goose," apparently a very wise old lady. A rhyme from the seventeenth century says,

For every ailment under the sun
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it;
If there be none, never mind it.

Other situations cannot be changed because we do not have control over other people's attitudes and actions. Accepting reality means we release the idea that we do possess that power. (I'm not suggesting that we give up on socializing our children and others for whom we are responsible, but even there, we are limited.) We cannot make another person change. We have to accept that they are the way they are. We may not like or approve of their behavior and we may encourage change, but we cannot make them do so. Force does not work. Other people too are like a rope that cannot be pushed!

The Serenity Prayer is the common name given to some lines, written perhaps as early as 1934 and originally untitled, attributed to the theologian Reinhold Niebuhr.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

These modern writers are only echoing what Jesus said:

4"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

4"If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."

4"I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can't take him in because it doesn't have eyes to see him, doesn't know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!" (John 16:33; Matthew 5:15, 16; John 14:16, 17)

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Forgive

If I had but a single word to share for my friends and myself to carry into the New Year, it would be "forgive."

FORGIVENESS opens the way to freedom from my own guilt. "In prayer there
is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness
from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your
part, you cut yourself off from God's part." (Matthew 6:14, 15
MSG)

FORGIVENESS reminds me of my own pardon and redemption. "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32 NASB)

FORGIVENESS unclutters the channel for God's blessing. “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate." "Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it." (Luke 6:35, 36; I Peter 3:9 NLT)

FORGIVENESS demonstrates trust in God's process of justice. "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." "Romans 12:19, 20 NIV)

FORGIVENESS makes reconciliation a possibility. "If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love." (Matthew 18:15-17 MSG)

FORGIVENESS enables those around me to benefit from my wholesome attitude. "Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” (Hebrews 12:14, 15 NLT)

FORGIVENESS leaves my mind free for productive thinking. "Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts." (Colossians 3:12-16 NLT)

The following prayer has long been attributed to the 13th century saint, Francis of Assisi, although in its present form it can be traced back only to 1912, when it appeared anonymously in a French publication.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

Marjorie

Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture marked NASB is from the New American Standard Bible, used by permission of The Lockman Foundation, www.lockman.org Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

No Room

Most of us are familiar with the circumstances of Jesus' birth. Mary swaddled her newborn son and laid Him in a feed trough, because there was no room for them in the inn. "No room for you." I feel sure that you or someone around you knows what it is like to hear those words or feel them in your heart.

Perhaps you were an unexpected or even unwanted baby, and you became aware, even as a tiny child, that there was "no room for me here." Or perhaps there were insufficient resources to care for the family adequately, and you felt the anxiety of your elders in the only way you could understand, that is, "There's no room for me here."

Perhaps you were not as pretty or as strong or as smart or as easy-going or whatever—as your siblings or your cousins or your classmates. You were seldom chosen first, and almost always last. You began to think, "I'm not good enough. There's no room for me here."

As a child or as an adult, you may have been abused—physically, emotionally, or sexually—by those who were supposed to care for your well-being. That was certainly enough to convince you, "There's no room for me here."

You may have had some disability that prevented you from participating in life as you would have liked—or the attitude of others kept you from overcoming those disadvantages and participating fully in spite of them. "I'm different. There's no room for me here."

Perhaps you have suffered economically for any of a number of reasons. You don't have the clothes or the car or the house or the education that others around you enjoy and you have begun to think, "I don't fit in. There's no room for me here."

Your relationships may have been difficult, resulting in rejection and brokenness and loss. "There's no room for me here. Face it, there's probably no room for me anywhere."

Let me assure you, Jesus knows about "no room." Although He could not have been aware of the over-crowded inn, throughout His lifetime there were always those who pushed Him aside. "There's no room for you here."

· He came to His own, and they did not receive Him. (see John 1:11)
· He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. (see Isaiah 53:3)
· He wept, "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks beneath her wings to protect them--but you wouldn’t let me." (see Luke 13:34)
· Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests and asked, “How much will you pay me to betray Jesus to you?” And they gave him thirty pieces of silver. From then on, Judas began looking for an opportunity to hand Jesus over to them. (see Matthew 26:14-16)
· When the rooster crowed [during Jesus' trial], Peter remembered the words Jesus had spoken to him, "Before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me." And Peter went out and wept bitterly. (see Matthew 26:75)

Jesus knows the feeling of not belonging, of being left out, of knowing that there's no room. You can entrust your heart to Him, for "whoever comes to me I will never drive away." (John 6:37 NIV) Because He came as our Savior-Mediator-Friend, there is now room.

Yes, there is room for you.

Marjorie

Christmas Won't Be the Same

Some of my readers will have experienced loss this past year, and they may be saying, "Christmas will not be the same this year." Among my friends and even in my own family, we know that "Christmas won't be the same." We talk about and sing about "home for Christmas," but changes can come that mean home is not what it once was. A parent is gone now, a spouse, or sibling, or child. For many people in this tough economic climate, even the home itself has been lost.

Remembering the "before" is inevitable. It may help if we recognize ahead of time that certain words or rituals will trigger old feelings—sorrow, loss, regret, bittersweet commemoration. It's possible for anger and disappointment to be there as well. Some of these are emotions are to be expected; some may sneak up on us. Tears may come. There is no need to hide them. (You have my permission to let them flow.)

Sometimes a new tradition helps us focus on what we have now instead of what is missing. Don't be afraid to make changes in "what we've always done." On the other hand, there's no need to discard all the established traditions of the Christmas past simply because some of the present circumstances are different; a lot of things are still the same.

For a few women, a look at reality can be helpful. The first Christmas of my single-momhood, I lamented silently, "Look at me! I'm all alone and life is hard. How can I have a happy Christmas?" I was pulled up short by the thought, "And just how many happy Christmases did you have before you were alone?"

In our uncertain world and our changing lives, there is one constant. "Change and decay in all around I see; O Thou who changest not, abide with me!" (Henry F. Lyte, 1847) Everything's different now—and nothing has changed.

Marjorie

A Crying Shame

Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule.
It made the children laugh and play to see a lamb at school.

Poor Mary! Perhaps the teacher reproved her, "Mary, don't you know that you mustn't bring your pet lamb to school?"

Mary would have been respectful, not defending herself by explaining, "But I didn't bring her! She followed me."

Nevertheless, the teacher made the lamb stay outside, and throughout the day, whenever its little bleat was heard through the open windows, the children pointed at Mary and laughed. Mary sank far down into her seat, ashamed.

That's fiction, of course, but not unlike my experience as a very young student. My family was responsible for providing the milk for the school lunches prepared each day at our rural school. As we walked across the field one morning, carrying our jugs of milk, one of the barn kittens followed, intent upon having breakfast. All the way to school she pursued me, in spite of my tearful insistence that she go back home. Although I endured no scolding from the teacher, still I was thoroughly ashamed—as if there were anything I could have done differently. I remember the feeling to this day.

We can assuage guilt, the feeling we have when our actions are wrong. We make amends for these interpersonal wrongdoings by apologizing, making restitution, and changing our future interaction. But shame is not so easily handled; it strikes the very self when we are forced to think about what we see as our personal deficiencies. There are many: Our size, shape, personal attractiveness and sexuality. Our intelligence, skill, and ability to compete. Our dependence on something or someone, and our assessment of self-worth. Our fears about closeness and being seen and known, and the contrasting fears about being unlovable and alone.

There are also a number of other negative emotions that belong to the shame family. Embarrassment or even extreme self-consciousness might be our shame experience in a social setting, humiliation what we feel when we suffer a shaming attack by someone else, mortification as being "ashamed to death." These nuances of shame follow the exposure of something we wanted to keep to ourselves. And then sometimes we feel ashamed of feeling shame!

Unfortunately, we think shame is a powerful motivator toward good behavior and a detractor from bad. It sometimes begins when we are very young. "Look at this! You are a terrible dish washer." "Somebody with your brains should be making A's, not B's." (A camouflaged jab.) "If you're fat, the boys won't like you." It may continue throughout our lifetime. "Why don't you watch what you're doing?" (There is no possible answer to this question.) "You're telling me you didn't know that salesman was a crook?" "Any new hire could do this job better than you're doing it." If we are the one handing out the shame, we may assume that a healthy dose will correct the situation, and thereafter the other person will behave in a manner acceptable to us. We are mistaken.

If we are on the receiving end, we probably do realize that shame is not likely to produce positive results. Very often we are unable to handle realistically the information that has been given to us—whether true or not is beside the point—and take the steps necessary to repair our identity or reframe the image we have of ourselves. So we take the shame route.

* We may withdraw by turning away from the offending situation, hiding, acting shy, running away, or becoming silent.

* We may attack ourselves by demeaning and punishing ourselves to earn others' favor and avoid "abandonment." Sometimes it is wisdom to be deferential—"Yes, officer, I was speeding. I'll be more careful, sir"—but we need not put ourselves down as though everyone around us is much bigger and more powerful than we are.

* We may avoid the shaming, using anything we can to make the feeling go away without dealing with the causes. Shame tries to cover itself with undue pride about one's self and accomplishments; it is also soluble in alcohol and other chemicals.

* We may attack others, using anything we think will reduce their self-worth: put downs even under the guise of "joking," blame and contempt, malicious accusations whether or not they're true, physical abuse, and sexual mistreatment.

As I see it, shame is a very basic human problem. In the Garden of Eden, after having eaten of the forbidden tree, Adam and Eve had that experience. "At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” “Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:7-11)

Contrary to Freudian psychology, their shame was not the result of nakedness itself so much as the sudden (unpurposed) realization that their freedom had the potential for good or evil use. Only this knowledge, knowledge that God had not intended for them to have, made them feel ashamed and afraid. The descendants of these first parents, in all the centuries since then, have suffered the pain of shame and fear. It is part of the human condition, not easily escaped.

We feel safer when our "deficiencies" are exposed if we are protected by love and/or acceptance. On a purely human level, this is a great gift we can give each another. But the ultimate love and acceptance and the ultimate release from shame is part of God's redemptive plan. The shame that cannot be ignored or relieved by self-denigration, that cannot be bluffed away or compensated for, can be healed by pursuing the pathway of God's love. "Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame." (Isaiah 50:7) "Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth [your early history] and the sorrows of widowhood [inferring losses, unproductiveness, and reproach]." (Isaiah 54:4) We cannot escape being human, so we may not find a way around every shame-producing circumstance. Christ, however, exposed Himself to every form of human shame and is ready to show us the way through.

Marjorie

On my Finding the Faith Way blog, read some additional thoughts about Adam [here].
and "Things Mama Taught Me: Shame on You" [here].

An interesting discussion on shame is located at http://www.christiantherapist.com/online/news/ShameAndAffect.htm

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

I Was What I Was

Memory is a powerful thing, greatly enhancing our present life by the rich experiences of our past, or complicating it by the difficulties that were part of our personal history. The trouble is, we tend to remember the wrong things. Studies show that the strong negative emotions surrounding an event are often clearer when recalled than the positive or neutral feelings that were part of the same event. This means that sometimes we must make a conscious effort to think on the things that are "true, honorable, right, and admirable." (Philippians 4:8)

Nearly everyone has things that bring some discomfort when we bring them to mind. The Apostle Paul asks the Roman church what they got out of the things of which they are now ashamed. The answer? Nothing. A dead end. (Romans 6:21) While I didn't have a particularly wild, sinful past that shames me, I certainly do have some things that are embarrassing to remember: a grave financial mistake, an unfortunate career decision, some entangling friendships. I feel humiliated if I begin to dwell on those blunders.

One of the problems facing the children of Israel as their story is related in the Old Testament was their inability or unwillingness to remember what God had done throughout their early history. "How quickly they forgot what he had done! They wouldn’t wait for his counsel! They forgot God, their savior, who had done such great things in Egypt—such wonderful things in the land of Ham, such awesome deeds at the Red Sea. The people refused to enter the pleasant land, for they wouldn’t believe his promise to care for them. Instead, they grumbled in their tents and refused to obey the Lord. (Psalm 106:13, 22-25 NLT)

We are not much different. We often self-centeredly focus on what we did and fail to remember God's great and wonderful things and awesome deeds. I am learning to look at my past with more grace for myself (as God in fact does!) Instead of lamenting the detours and long-way-around-mistakes I made, I am grateful for where He has brought me now. Of the past, I have to say, "I was what I was." This may sound lame; after all, it's pretty close to "It is what it is," which a recent poll shows as third place in the list of most annoying phrases. But it's true! I was who I was at that time with the understanding that I had then. Now I am becoming someone different. Life doesn't provide automatic "do-overs," but God will enable us to put aside the troubling past. We face it and deal with it, or we replace the unhappy memories with positive ones, or we choose to forget the things that no longer have real significance.

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Philippines 3:12-16 MSG)

Marjorie

Along this same line, read "I Didn't Know" and "What If I Make a Mistake?" on my Finding the Faith Way blog.

About the poll: It was conducted this month by the Marist Institute for Public Opinion, a highly-respected survey research center at Marist College in New York. Over the past thirty years, it has regularly measured public opinion at the local, state, and national level on politics, money, family, spirituality, mind and body, sports, entertainment, and much more. It is often cited by journalists and analysts around the globe.

Scripture quotation marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Kiss Your Elbow

When I was just a little girl, my older brothers teased me mercilessly for my inability to do the things they were able to do. They were bigger and stronger and older, and they were boys! They did hold out one bit of encouragement for me however: "If you can kiss your elbow, you will turn into a boy." I tried, I really did! But of course, I couldn't perform that feat of convolution, as they well knew. Eventually, I realized I had been duped and accepted my "inferior" position, a notion I eventually outgrew—thankfully!

The Apostle Paul took special pains to make sure believers understand that it makes no difference where the circumstances of life place us. "By faith in Christ you are in direct relationship with God. Your baptism in Christ was not just washing you up for a fresh start. It also involved dressing you in an adult faith wardrobe—Christ's life, the fulfillment of God's original promise. In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ." (Galatians 3:26-28) Some might argue with this, saying: Of course it makes a difference! Racial minorities, and women, and the physically challenged, and the disadvantaged and other groups have always had to struggle for their rights. People have never treated them like they are equal!

Peter didn't think people were equal either. He was a strict Jew, and as such he knew it was unlawful for him to keep company with those who were not. But God, wanting to prepare Peter to give the Gospel to a Gentile (!) man along with many of his relatives and friends, sent a vision to Peter. He saw a great sheet lowered from heaven holding all kinds of animals, birds, and creeping things, some of them "unclean" and unfit for a law-keeping Jew to eat. A voice instructed Peter to kill and eat the creatures, but he was horrified. "Peter said, 'Oh, no, Lord. I've never so much as tasted food that was not kosher.' The voice came a second time: 'If God says it's okay, it's okay.' This happened three times, and then the blanket was pulled back up into the skies." (Acts 10:14-16)

Much of present society persists in observing differences. Does that truly matter? Again, it is Paul who writes, "It matters very little to me what you think of me, even less where I rank in popular opinion. I don't even rank myself. Comparisons in these matters are pointless. I'm not aware of anything that would disqualify me from being a good guide for you, but that doesn't mean much. The Master makes that judgment." (I Corinthians 4:3, 4)

I wouldn't kiss my elbow if I could! God says we are all equal. If God says I'm okay, I'm okay!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

The Discomfort of Distinction

In the not-too-distant past, little girls were supposed to be pretty—and that's about all. Back then they were trained to be "nice," quiet, and deferential to their elders and to men and boys. That was before they excelled at sports, found out that they were as good at math as many of the fellows, or realized they too could become members of Congress, corporate presidents, airline pilots, and postal carriers.

Many modern girls do not hesitate to take on any challenge they wish, but if one lived in that earlier era, it can be uncomfortable to be outstanding. "Standing out" was painful, even if it was for achievement; discomfort accompanied distinction. I remember being embarrassed by having the best grade in second-year algebra; I was teased by the other students for being "smart." What they didn't know is that I cried over my homework, and spent before-school hours with the teacher patiently explaining things to me once more. Countless times throughout life, I hid my achievement so that my quiet efforts would not be rewarded with someone's taunts. Others may have been the target of unwelcome attention for their attractiveness, their interest in art or music, their congeniality or even their (father's) occupation and money. They too suffered from the discomfort of distinction.

Many women, especially those of the past couple of generations, have difficulty accepting the gifts God has given them, or what they have developed through their lifetime. Even if they can recognize their own abilities—which often they cannot—they hesitate to let them be seen by others and thus profitably used. Do you think the "parable of the talents" applies here? (Matthew 25:14-30)

The Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a
long trip. He called together his servants and entrusted his money to them while
he was gone. He gave five talents (bags of silver) to one, two talents (bags of
silver) to another, and one talent (bag of silver) to the last—dividing it in
proportion to their abilities. He then left on his trip. The servant who
received the five bags of silver invested his master's money and earned five
more. The servant with two bags of silver also went to work and earned two
more. But the servant who received the one bag of silver dug a hole in the
ground and hid the master’s money."

When the master returned from his trip, he called the servants to give an
account for what he had entrusted to them. The men to whom he had given
the five bags and the two bags came forward with the added earnings from their
investments. The master was full of praise and rewarded them with gracious
words and the promise of a celebration. Then the servant with the
one bag of silver came and said, "Master, I knew you were an exacting man. I was
afraid I would lose your money and disappoint you, so I hid it in the earth.
Look, here is your money back." The master called that servant wicked and
lazy and punished him for not making profitable use of what had been entrusted
to him.

Success can actually be painful for the person who prefers to remain unnoticed, especially if they have been taught that this is how they must act. While this may look like humility, sometimes it really is not. It is an over-developed consciousness of oneself. After all, the predominant motivation of the servant who hid the money instead of investing it was distrust of his master and fear for himself. Is it right for us to give less than the best we can to an endeavor because we are more conscious of what people think than of what the Master thinks? "Someone may think I'm showing off . . . or trying to act smart . . . or just getting attention . . . or whatever . . . "

No, go ahead and be the best chocolate cake baker and put your recipe in the church cookbook. It's okay if someone tells you how great your musical performance or your PTO chairmanship or your help at the community yard sale was; just say "Thank you." And don't be embarrassed by offering small things: a call, a casserole, a compliment.

Because what if Jesus were to think we are lazy and careless and afraid of Him?

Marjorie

Small Steps, Giant Leaps

Can it really be that forty years have passed since the first moon landing and Neil Armstrong's words, "That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind"? Forty years—it doesn't seem possible. We have seen the birth of the Internet, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the cloning of a mammal, and other remarkable achievements; we have also experienced AIDS, the Tiananmen Square massacre, 9/11 and war.

It seems to me that everything is relative. I have only faint recall of some of the events I've listed above, and as for the moon landing, I do not remember it at all. I was dealing personally with some extremely difficult "small steps" of my own and didn't see Armstrong's famous one. I am not alone in this response, for the memory of a near-tragedy (a child almost drowned) has, for some in my family, pushed out awareness of the space adventure that was happening at the same time. There were others, I'm sure, who could not just dismiss their compelling circumstances in order to give attention to something else, even though it was as epic as stepping onto the moon. Mothers were birthing babies, families were burying their loved ones, accidents and crimes and weddings and baptisms were happening as usual. Life just goes on.

So then, we cannot be casually dismissive of people who don't seem to know what's been going on. And don't be embarrassed if you feel you "can't keep up." One mother told me that she was so overwhelmed with caring for her disabled child that she was hardly aware of the Viet Nam war, at the same time other women were so concerned for a military husband or son that they could think of nothing else. It all depends on who you are and where you are and what is happening at the time.

The world won't stop to watch and wonder while I take the small steps of my life, even though they seem difficult or daring to me. But there is One who notices. "What's the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don't be intimidated by all this bully talk. You're worth more than a million canaries!" (Matthew 10:29-31)

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

It's Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood

Many people have used the line that titles this article. It sells books and articles, programs of hypnotherapy and inner healing, workshops, and even a nutritional supplement. People like novelist Tom Robbins and motivational speaker Wayne Dwyer say it's so, and I believe it as well.

You may be quite aware that some infants exhibit the syndrome called "failure to thrive." They simply do not grow as they should. In many of these cases there is no apparent organic disorder; the growth failure occurs because of environmental neglect (basically, lack of food which can be caused in a number of ways) or stimulus deprivation. Stimulation may be lacking because of the caregivers' anxiety, apathy, hostility or other stresses not all of which are the adult's "fault." The baby can become depressed, apathetic, and ultimately unwilling or unable to eat.

News to me, although perhaps not to you, is the geriatric syndrome, "failure to thrive." Some elderly patients with declining health and strength, including those who do not have an acute illness or a severe chronic disease, undergo a process of functional decline, progressive apathy, and a loss of willingness to eat and drink that ends in death. Often the cause of the deterioration is not identifiable, but it should not be dismissed as a necessary part of aging. All of this to say: The medical profession recognizes that at both ends of life, it is critical to receive the care we need—not only physical nourishment, but the comfort, acceptance, and hope that others can provide. And all the years in between, we never outgrow that need.

Although our physical growth may not have been stunted by some degree of negligence, nevertheless, some of us still have inside us the little person we once were who did not have the opportunity to flourish. We grew into adolescence and then adulthood with some basic needs unmet, in most cases not because we were not loved, but because our parents or guardians did not know how to nurture a child. They probably had inside of themselves the little persons they once were who had not been nurtured. If we did not—and if we do not—receive the encouragement and acceptance we need from others, we must be certain to provide it for ourselves.

Part of growing up is learning how to take care of oneself: how to bathe and how to fry an egg, how to press clothes and drive safely, how to write a check and get up in time for work. What we sometimes never learn, because we don't realize that we need to, is how to make good decisions, how to love and forgive, how to trust and treat ourselves with respect, how to be happy. If we did not learn it earlier, that is our task as a grownup now.

Some people take this very literally, suggesting that you spend time with your "inner child" every day, breathing deeply and noticing what she wants and needs. Do some of your favorite childhood activities. (Sorry, I just can't see myself climbing trees again!) Find and frame a photo from your childhood; talk to that adorable little girl and enjoy her company. Hang out with children. Bring back naptime; curl up with a blankie and have a nap. (Now this I can see!)

If you had a less-than-happy childhood, and these are helpful, then by all means, enjoy! But the real issue, I think, is creating for our selves the same atmosphere of warmth and caring that lets infants and the elderly thrive. Having a happy childhood at a later stage of life may include—but does not necessarily require—re-creating those younger days, doing all the fun stuff you missed, making up for some earlier, real or imagined deprivation. What it might mean is a healthful diet or dental care or counseling that was out of reach when we were children. It might mean going back to school or traveling or taking up an interest that was not possible before. It might mean telling family members or friends, "I need your support in this."

If we think about it, we are probably not all that far from knowing what it means.

Marjorie

Read from my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way," the article Goodbye to a Person You Once Knew.

"We Are Pro-Body"

I recently saw a billboard ad for a local health center stating, “We are pro-body.” I have to assume that means, “We want to help you make your body the best it can be.”

My growing-up years carried a lot of anti-body messages—no, not antibodies of the kind that help rid us of viruses by attacking them before we become ill, but “anti-you-have-a-body.” My father was physical; his work demanded strength and stamina. My brothers were expected to be physical: doing farm chores, riding bikes, playing softball. While I was not forbidden to participate in these activates, how well could I to do them in a dress? Some activities were forbidden by my parents and/or by the Church: dancing, roller skating (at a rink), and swimming in a group of both boys and girls.

Looking back, and seeking to be charitable, I think my parents and the church may not have intended to teach a dualistic theology of mind versus body. "Mind = good. Body = bad." The Scripture teaches clearly that "flesh" and "spirit" oppose one another and in fact are warring within the individual believer. But flesh, in this instance, does not mean the same as body, but rather is unredeemed human nature with its inborn tendency to be wholly selfish. "The mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God [which is love, remember] for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh [living out their selfish, unloving nature] cannot please God. (Romans 8:7, 8 NASB)

Sadly, I think this teaching was misunderstood to mean that the body is not acceptable—not to God and not to us if we want to please Him. Again, probably none of those who gave me religious instruction would have espoused that teaching. Did I just get it wrong? I don't think so, for it was demonstrated pretty clearly in daily life. Specifically, there seemed to be something basically wrong with being in a female body. My mother hid herself (and me) in clothing which had the chief attribute of shapelessness. My father warned me that girls were responsible for the moral behavior of their dates, and a tent revivalist told us in the crudest of terms that we women, with our irresistible but wicked charms, were responsible for men going to hell. Is it any wonder that I had trouble claiming my body?

Although the physical body is only temporary, God thinks it's important. He could have used any means at all to form the ultimate revelation of Himself to humankind. And what did He choose? A human body. Would God have given Christ a body in which to live on earth if He thought bodies were a bad idea? In spite of the senses and appetites which sometimes get us into difficulty, God used a body to hold Himself. And He still does. He is pro-body.

Marjorie

Scripture is from the New American Standard Bible, used by permission of http://www.lockman.org/

The Seasons of Life

Zachery was the eagerly-awaited grandbaby, read and sung to in the womb, loved and prayed for--and stillborn. Two years had passed, and I was still grieving because it seemed to us that medically his death should not have happened. I mourned not only the loss of the baby but also the ugly rift that it caused in his parents' relationship. Some losses can be reasoned with, figured out. This could not. It was wasteful and needless, a terrible trauma in all our lives, and I just had not been able to get past the enormous load of pain to leave it all completely in God's hands. One bright October day, I was walking in the woods at a private "retreat" place in the country, marveling at the brilliant display of fall color: vibrant yellow and scarlet, complemented by more somber shades of brown. Above them all, there was a vast expanse of achingly intense blue sky. As I crunched my way through the thick layer of leaves on the floor of the woods, I had the distinct impression that the Creator of all this beauty wanted me to understand something. "Notice and honor the cycles of life."

Looking about, I saw among the living trees some fallen ones; their gnarled trunks had their own special beauty. Some were still useful as well as handsome, forming the rails of the fence or providing places to sit in the warm sunshine. The thought came to me: "Well, trees just don't live forever. And people don't either. I guess I'm now in the autumn season of life."

Then I noticed around me the little seedlings that were sprouting up here and there. Next year, I decided, and the next and the next, there will be new trees to take the place of the old. "Honor the cycles of life." I could see those cycles here in the woods: living, flowering, bearing fruit, adding value, sharing beauty, changing, and finally—dying. Life in the woods will go on though, and that will be true in my life too. Baby Erin, the newest member of our extended family at that time, along with the other children in her generation will fulfill God's purpose for them, and the cycle of life's seasons will continue long after I am gone. That is not to be feared or shunned. It is good! "My times, Lord, are in Your hand."

Then I made my way to the pasture planted in brome grass. It was stiff and brown, and the immediate realization came: Some things, unlike the trees, have a very short life. The brome grass. Zachery. And God whispered to my heart, "Accept the short growth season of Zachery's life. I rule the seasons." I looked again at the brome. It was not really dead. It had been mowed short and would soon go dormant, but it was not dead. Nor is Zachery dead, I thought, although his season of growth was cut short. His life is abundant now, his growth unequaled in the perfect conditions of heaven!

"But Lord, I still can't understand why . . ." I so wanted an explanation! God's final word was, "There is mystery in the seasons." With that, I will have to be content. There may never be satisfactory answers for some of the things in life--but nevertheless there is comfort. God is in control!

As if to confirm what God was saying, the Scripture portion assigned for our meditation arrested my attention. "For you created [Zachery's] inmost being; You knit him together in his mother's womb . . . His frame was not hidden from You when he was made in that secret place . . . Your eyes saw his unformed body. All the days ordained for him [although not one of them was lived on earth] were written in Your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13, 15, 16)

Lord, what can I say? You were there when the doctor told the devastated parents, "I'm not getting a heartbeat." You were there in that hospital room when the agony of childbirth produced only a dead baby. You were there when we held Zachery, stroked his dark hair, adored his tiny fingers—and then went home with empty arms. This numbing, awful thing was not a dream—it was really happening—and You were really there! It was dark for us—so very, very dark. But it is all the same to You. Night and day are alike. You are not confused or uncertain. The Scripture says, "The night is as light to You." (Psalm 139:12) In our most awful night, just as in the light, You are always here—watching, waiting, wooing us.

That farm place has new owners now, and is no longer available to me for retreats, but it will always be a "sacred space" in my memory. I think of that day as I encounter the changing seasons of my life. Singleness. Child-rearing. Marriage. Loss of husband. Singleness again. Returning to work in the public sector. Some plans not carried out, some dreams not yet fulfilled. And yes, aging too! It's not helpful to deny or try to avoid that. All the seasons of life are good. The dark times and the light-filled ones are good. I am learning to accept and honor them.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Genny's Story - 10: Healing

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny is telling us about the process of healing after her abusive marriage to Jim.
Marjorie: How about other people, friends and family members? Were they supportive?

Genny: Hardly anybody knew, but the few that did were God's gift to me! I don't think I could have made it without their love and wisdom and their acceptance of my crazy thinking!

M: The Bible tells us that God heals the brokenhearted. Did you pray for healing?

G: All the time! But healing doesn't always come with someone's emphatic prayer or a little dab of oil on your forehead. For me, the single most significant turning point was one morning when a visiting minister to our church spoke on the marriage relationship, how it is for companionship and care and protection of one another. A great sorrow swept over me and I thought, "Oh, just look at what I've missed, what I'm never going to have!" And God spoke in my heart, as clearly as if He had said it out loud, "You have been so hurt and disappointed that you have forgotten how strong and sufficient I was all those years you were single." That changed my outlook completely, because from that day until now I have tried to turn my attention to new ways of remembering. I turn the pain into something positive. And I want to add that this is a very real thing to me, not just another slick way of learning to cope.

M: Tell us how you do this.

G: Well, for example when I recall, "We were sitting in this very restaurant when Jim got angry and stomped out." Then I say, "But oh, Lord, thank You that You are so patient. You have never threatened to leave me."

"Here were all these lies, a whole web of deceit in Jim's life. But God, You are the Faithful One! You are always reliable, perfect in your trustworthiness. I thank You!

"So much scorn was heaped on me. But You, Lord, have always treated me with respect. You have led me through difficult circumstances sometimes, but You have never tried to humiliate me. Thank You!"

And so on through every painful memory. "Lord, You are the perfect Giver. Thank You for giving to me everything pertaining to life and godliness, not for what You might get in return, but out of Your love for me!"

"God, You are not after the control that bars my humanity. You are in control because You are God, but You don't rule Your obedient child with a harsh rod. Thank You!

"Your love is pure, untainted by unrighteous motives. You have nothing to prove about Yourself. And you have no need to make me prove something! Thank You, Lord!

"God, with You there is no shadow of turning. I never have to question your continued love and loyalty. Thank You!

"Lord, Your words are sweeter than honey! Even when You correct me, I feel Your love lifting me to a better place. I thank You!

"God, I know You have a sense of humor, but it is so gentle. You don't seem to laugh at put-downs of people or make light of life's issues. Thank You!

"Lord, You did not choose comfort, but the way of the Cross. You did not choose ease but sacrifice. How I thank You!

"God, You know who You are, the great I AM. You know who I am. And You are letting me learn who we are! Thank You, thank You!"

I have to say that this has not only changed my response to memories, but it has also given me a better understanding and a closer relationship with God the Father. The Scripture even talks about Him being the husband of the forsaken, and that is a beautiful thought to hold onto if one has been hurt and disappointed.

M: So you're actually better and stronger than before? You thought God assured you that this marriage was for your joy and blessing—do you think it's possible that the deeper understanding and relationship with God that you now enjoy is what He was talking about?

G: Well, naturally I thought He meant that Jim and I would have this beautiful marriage and grow old together and all that. This was supposed to be the best part of our lives. I think that is what could have and should have happened, so this is terribly disappointing.. There is sorrow for myself, of course, but for God too, that He didn't get to see His plan worked out as He intended. God is God, but He does not always get what He wants because He lets us make choices.

M: But even though you're disappointed, you don't seem to have a lot of regret.

G: I don't. I believe I needed to marry Jim so that I would not spend the rest of my life regretting that I had missed the opportunity to make a home with this dearest of friends. And I needed to learn things about life and about myself that I didn't even know were missing. I don't think I would be where I am today without this experience, as awful as it was. And I am hoping that other women may be helped by what I have to share.

M: So then, all things really do work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose?

G: Yes, I know they do. I believe that with all my heart!

M: Genny, thank you for sharing! It has not been easy, has it?

G: No, but I have prayed often, "God, don't let what I have experienced be wasted." If our conversation gives to women some understanding and hope, then my prayer has been answered!

This is the end of Genny's shared story, but just the beginning of the new one she's living now!
___________________________________

*A recap of the books Genny mentioned, and others she found helpful:
Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical    and Emotional Abuse, by Paul Hegstrom
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO to Take Control of Your Life,    by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Finding Your Way through Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Physical, Emotional,    and Spiritual Healing, by Connie Fourré
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic    Violence, Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock
Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction, by Christine A. Adams
Telling Yourself the Truth: Find Your Way Out of Depression, Anxiety, Fear,    Anger, and Other Common Problems by Applying the Principles of    Misbelief Therapy, William Backus and Marie Chapman
Trauma: The Pain That Stays, by Robert Hicks
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to    Respond, by Patricia Evans
Whose Face Is in the Mirror? The Story of One Woman's Journey from the    Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True Healing, by Dianne Schwartz
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by    Lundy Bancroft

*Related Websites:

http://www.focusministries1.org/
http://www.drirene.com/ (This is a huge website, but there is a section where Christian women share with each other.)

Genny's Story - 9: Letting Go

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.
Genny has been describing acceptance and healing following her abusive marriage.
Marjorie: I'm sure readers are going to want to know: How long does it take to get over trauma like this? How long have you been healing?

Genny: Sometimes I talk to people who are healing from trauma or loss and if they ask how long, I tell them, "Recovery takes as long as it takes." I won't give any other answer because everyone is different and the process is each person's own. How long for me? I don't know yet! Years, anyway.

M: So it's okay not to be "over it" when other people think it's time?

G: That's right! We don't treat any other injuries like that—only emotional and spiritual ones. Like any other loss--and it is a loss--I'm not sure you ever "get over it." At whatever stage a person is, it's okay to be not over it yet. On the other hand, there has to come a place of deep acceptance. That is another healing thing: just to let go. Here was someone I loved who could not or would not love me. And I have to just let that go. The reality is painful, but I found not facing it is even worse.

In my religious tradition, people talk about bringing something to the altar, or laying something on the altar, meaning that they are committing the person or situation completely to God; they are taking their hands off. There was a time—when I backed off because Jim was not involved that much--I "laid Jim on the altar." Well, after he was gone, one morning in church I reminded both myself and God that Jim was still "on the altar," and that I was still committed to following the Lord with my whole being. And God's whisper inside me said, "Now you have to walk away."

So I've had to let go of Jim and walk away from my illusion of a beautiful marriage and a happy home. I've had to face the weakness I have that gives others control of my happiness or success. I have many very good, strong relationships, but I am learning that what those friends or family members think of me is not the standard by which God measures me nor is it how I should measure myself. I am not oblivious to people's opinions, of course, but more and more I am able to recognize that the opinion I have of myself is valid too!

My counselor asked me once, since I had a failed marriage earlier in life, "Do you feel that you've failed again?" No, I didn't fail Jim. Even though we could not stay together, I kept my commitment until the very last. When we both knew there could be no happy ending, I assured him, "I will be faithful to you; you don't have to question that." Whether or not he might have is not the point; I was committed even though by then it was a hopeless cause. I have sometimes mistaken my attempts to rescue people and situations for a commitment to God. My taking the responsibility for things in other people's lives that they should be taking responsibility for themselves is not helping either me or them. And it's not even helping God! He has His own agenda with them. I have to let go of them.

M: I just "have to" ask you this: If you found the love of your life in church and yet it turned out so badly, what about the advice we often hear that church is where a Christian should look for a partner?

G: That's a very fine ideal, but if I've learned anything, it is that you can't always trust "nice." I certainly wouldn't exclude church, but I wouldn't recommend it exclusively for the same reason I wouldn't suggest online searches. Sure, it works out sometimes, but it also has a lot of potential for deceit and heartbreak. A person whose Christian faith is so genuine that you spot them at work or in the classroom or on a group tour or wherever may be a better risk than a "Sunday Christian." Just my opinion. [She grins.]

I wish I had read, years ago, the very practical lists I discovered in a book, Whose Face Is in the Mirror?— "His Warning Signs" and "Our Own Warning Signs." I've had to let go of some of my visionary model!

M: Were there other things you let go?

G: Yes, I quit holding myself to the rigid schedule that had kept me from flying apart. My doctor told me, "You need to begin doing some things that are fun." And I am not ashamed that he also prescribed medication to help me sleep. With his "permission," I began to ease up on myself. It was important for me to do things that brought order instead of chaos and uncertainty and noise for its own sake. Some people clean house like crazy or take up jogging. I needed to rest. I slept. I listened to a lot of beautiful, harmonious music, and I played the piano. I did crossword puzzles and picture puzzles. I read "omnivorously"—everything—and I watched movies if I was pretty sure they had good endings! And very importantly, I kept working where I had contact with people who were "normal." I began to feel sane again, better balanced, probably, than I have ever been in all my adult life.

M: So since you've been laying aside the anger and blame and hurt and worry, there's more room for positive things.

G: A lot more room! I hardly know who I am any more, but now, that's a good, healthy thing!

To be continued, concluding next time.