To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.
Genny has been describing acceptance and healing following her abusive marriage.
Marjorie: I'm sure readers are going to want to know: How long does it take to get over trauma like this? How long have you been healing?
Genny: Sometimes I talk to people who are healing from trauma or loss and if they ask how long, I tell them, "Recovery takes as long as it takes." I won't give any other answer because everyone is different and the process is each person's own. How long for me? I don't know yet! Years, anyway.
M: So it's okay not to be "over it" when other people think it's time?
G: That's right! We don't treat any other injuries like that—only emotional and spiritual ones. Like any other loss--and it is a loss--I'm not sure you ever "get over it." At whatever stage a person is, it's okay to be not over it yet. On the other hand, there has to come a place of deep acceptance. That is another healing thing: just to let go. Here was someone I loved who could not or would not love me. And I have to just let that go. The reality is painful, but I found not facing it is even worse.
In my religious tradition, people talk about bringing something to the altar, or laying something on the altar, meaning that they are committing the person or situation completely to God; they are taking their hands off. There was a time—when I backed off because Jim was not involved that much--I "laid Jim on the altar." Well, after he was gone, one morning in church I reminded both myself and God that Jim was still "on the altar," and that I was still committed to following the Lord with my whole being. And God's whisper inside me said, "Now you have to walk away."
So I've had to let go of Jim and walk away from my illusion of a beautiful marriage and a happy home. I've had to face the weakness I have that gives others control of my happiness or success. I have many very good, strong relationships, but I am learning that what those friends or family members think of me is not the standard by which God measures me nor is it how I should measure myself. I am not oblivious to people's opinions, of course, but more and more I am able to recognize that the opinion I have of myself is valid too!
My counselor asked me once, since I had a failed marriage earlier in life, "Do you feel that you've failed again?" No, I didn't fail Jim. Even though we could not stay together, I kept my commitment until the very last. When we both knew there could be no happy ending, I assured him, "I will be faithful to you; you don't have to question that." Whether or not he might have is not the point; I was committed even though by then it was a hopeless cause. I have sometimes mistaken my attempts to rescue people and situations for a commitment to God. My taking the responsibility for things in other people's lives that they should be taking responsibility for themselves is not helping either me or them. And it's not even helping God! He has His own agenda with them. I have to let go of them.
M: I just "have to" ask you this: If you found the love of your life in church and yet it turned out so badly, what about the advice we often hear that church is where a Christian should look for a partner?
G: That's a very fine ideal, but if I've learned anything, it is that you can't always trust "nice." I certainly wouldn't exclude church, but I wouldn't recommend it exclusively for the same reason I wouldn't suggest online searches. Sure, it works out sometimes, but it also has a lot of potential for deceit and heartbreak. A person whose Christian faith is so genuine that you spot them at work or in the classroom or on a group tour or wherever may be a better risk than a "Sunday Christian." Just my opinion. [She grins.]
I wish I had read, years ago, the very practical lists I discovered in a book, Whose Face Is in the Mirror?— "His Warning Signs" and "Our Own Warning Signs." I've had to let go of some of my visionary model!
M: Were there other things you let go?
G: Yes, I quit holding myself to the rigid schedule that had kept me from flying apart. My doctor told me, "You need to begin doing some things that are fun." And I am not ashamed that he also prescribed medication to help me sleep. With his "permission," I began to ease up on myself. It was important for me to do things that brought order instead of chaos and uncertainty and noise for its own sake. Some people clean house like crazy or take up jogging. I needed to rest. I slept. I listened to a lot of beautiful, harmonious music, and I played the piano. I did crossword puzzles and picture puzzles. I read "omnivorously"—everything—and I watched movies if I was pretty sure they had good endings! And very importantly, I kept working where I had contact with people who were "normal." I began to feel sane again, better balanced, probably, than I have ever been in all my adult life.
M: So since you've been laying aside the anger and blame and hurt and worry, there's more room for positive things.
G: A lot more room! I hardly know who I am any more, but now, that's a good, healthy thing!
To be continued, concluding next time.
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