I Will Not Hate

I ran across a book the other day written by a Palestinian physician who suffered catastrophic loss in 2009 when two shells from an Israeli tanker exploded in the room next to him, killing three of his daughters and a niece. Even though he is angry, he strives to act as a righteous man, demonstrating that feeling angry is not the same as hate. His book is entitled, I Shall Not Hate.

That moving declaration reminded me of an experience of my own, many years ago. The circumstances were far less horrendous, but the lesson remains the same. “I will not hate.”

While our baby daughter and I were happily bonding, her father was removing himself farther and farther away. He was absent, even when he was home. We did have some happy days, but mostly he withdrew because being a husband and father was just too hard, far more demanding than the fantasy family he had envisioned in his mind. He was not a mean man—immature and self-absorbed and neglectful, but not mean. After several years, knowing my unhappiness, he asked, “Would it be easier if I left?” then admitted that he did not have the ego strength to do that. In the end, I would have to choose.

I agonized whether to go or to stay. I have long since forgotten the title and author of a book I picked up and read during that crazy-making time of decision. The author related her own experience of schizophrenia and treatment for the illness. During her lengthy hospitalization, she developed a strong romantic attachment to another patient, but the relationship ended badly when she was well enough to return home. She became very bitter and angry, blaming everyone for this lost love. I'll never forget the counsel her doctor gave to her, for it guided me through the painful days ahead of me. “You must learn to say goodbye without hating.” I was determined to do that. I. Will. Do. That. Over and over, I pledged to myself, “If I have to say goodbye, I will say it without hating.”

Of course, no marriage succeeds or fails through the actions of only one of the partners, but it was an honorable thing for this man to say to me, “I am sorry. It was my fault.” I respect that. The words are still true that I said to him before I drove away, “Thank you for the good times. Because there were some good times.” I kept the promise I had made to myself: I said goodbye without hating.

Feelings come and go. Anger cools off, disappointment fades, desire burns low—unless we decide to nurture them. Then love becomes a choice, and hate becomes an act of the will. That is why the doctor-author can affirm, “I shall not hate.” That is why, during the times in my life when I have had to say a goodbye, God has helped me to say it without hating.

Marjorie

Doing Change

I apologize to the psychologist-author-media personality ahead of time: But I just can't buy the idea of a "new husband by Friday" or "new kid" similarly. Oh yes, he's a humorist too--maybe that explains it.

Seriously, I'm sure there are good workable ideas for many wives and mothers in his books, but changing a man's attitude, behavior, and communication in five days? No, I don't think so. Maybe a new understanding, beginning to interact better, trying more demonstrate love in ways he understands. These are a start—and they begin not with the husband or kid, but with me or you.

And the kid? Yes, but actually the changes begin with mom. Take charge. Form deeper, more meaningful bonds with the children. Don't base discipline on threats and fear but on cause/effect. All of this takes some "smarts" and attention from the adult in the situation. So I was really glad to see the latest book: Have a New You by Friday: How to Accept Yourself, Boost Your Confidence & Change Your Life in 5 Days Now the emphasis is on the only person we can actually change—ourselves. I'm still not sure a new you can be developed in five days, but one can certainly get a boost.

And it can be any time—even today. You don't have to start on a Monday and get to a "new you" on a Friday! ☺

Marjorie

Self-Denial

A blogger friend who is a Catholic has been writing about Lent which begins next week on Ash Wednesday. I had already been thinking about the self-denial aspect of the season. My worship tradition is not Catholic, but even so, for several years I have found it a profitable spiritual exercise to observe Lent by forgoing the enjoyment of some small pleasure. Even this little bit of self-denial is not required, but it reminds me specifically and regularly of the significance of the approaching Easter Sunday, and so it has been worthwhile. One year it was chocolate, another year, "dainty" food--that is, desserts and other delicacies. Other times, other things. As Lent approaches, I always wonder, "Shall I 'sacrifice' something for Lent? What shall it be?"

I was brought up short by a book I'm reading, an in-depth study of I Corinthians 13, the love chapter. The author, in his exposition on "Love does not seek its own," sees much so-called self-denial as mere disciplines taken on for one reason or another. They are a denial of things, and not a denial of the self at all. The blogger would undoubtedly agree: because if you say, "I'm giving up desserts for Lent—and besides I need to lose some weight," then you are not really fasting for a spiritual purpose. Only if it cuts into the self-life one would choose for personal gratification can it be called a sacrifice. As for giving up gossip or laziness, we should have laid those aside already, just on principle.

We don't see the Jesus presented in the Gospels giving up coffee or cream on His oatmeal or turning off His cell phone, had there been such things then. He gave His real self every day—talking to people when He was tired and hungry, giving children access to His time and His lap, repeating Kingdom precepts over and over to twelve fellows who just didn't get it. Not to mention dying.

All of this is not to say that self-denial means denying that one has, and is, a self. There are those who make a great issue of how unworthy and undeserving they are; they are just non-persons with no ordinary, human needs. They use none of their resources to care for themselves, not realizing that the day is going to come—sooner than God intended—when there is no longer anything left of themselves to give. Women, especially wives and mothers, may fall into that trap more readily than other folks; we have sometimes exalted their self-sacrifice to the point of idolatry. (Which makes it self-centered, after all.)

The Holy Supper is kept, indeed,
In whatso we share with another's need,--
Not that which we give, but what we share,--
For the gift without the giver is bare;
Who bestows himself with his alms feeds three,--
Himself, his hungering neighbor, and Me."

--James Russell Lowell, The Vision of Sir Launfal, 1848

Marjorie

The book I am reading is Love Within Limits: Realizing Selfless Love in a Selfish World by the late Lewis B. Smedes, a professor of Theology and Philosophy of Religion at Fuller Theological Seminary.

What Happens When Women Worry

Today I came across an old book that I have had for a long time. Over thirty years ago, a Christian woman wrote, "What Happens When Women Pray"—not a question, but a statement. It has gone into many editions; there are over two million in print. She outlines some of the basic concepts of prayer and how God answers. Seeing the title again brought to mind an opposing thought: what happens when women worry.
Living in a constant state of worry can trigger a host of physical reactions. In long-ago times, the "fight or flight" response protected our ancestors from wild animals and unfriendly humans. In ordinary, daily life we don't face those dangers, but our body doesn't know that. When subjected to continued intense anxiety, it prepares for a genuine threat. The nervous system releases stress hormones to boost the body's fuel levels—but if the constant inrush of fuel is not needed for physical activity like fighting or running away (or used in purposeful exercise), it can create health problems.

The fast heartbeat, dry mouth, trembling or weakness that one may experience after a scare can become commonplace to the chronic worrier. Dizziness, muscle tension and aches, shortness of breath or difficulty swallowing, headaches, and nausea may also occur. Eventually, there could be serious physical consequences including suppression of the immune system, digestive disorders, premature coronary artery disease, and heart attack.

Worry, some wise person has said, is a cycle of inefficient thought whirling around a center of fear. If you are a worrier, your doctor might suggest some lifestyle changes, telling you to exercise and to eat a healthful diet, cut down on caffeine and learn to relax—all of which can be very helpful. You might also consider dealing with those two things that constitute so much of our worry: inefficient thought and fear.

How about sitting down to give careful thought to the worrisome situation:
4First, is it my responsibility?
4Am I able to do anything about it?
4Will anything change if I continue to fret?
4On the contrary, what might possibly happen if I pray?

And then consider that pivotal fear:
4Is the perceived danger present and real?
4What is likely to happen if I take action based on my feeling of fear?
4But what could happen if I act on my knowledge that God is bigger than anything?

What happens when women worry? Not much that is helpful. But perhaps they eventually see Jesus' truth. "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things [what to eat and what to wear], but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:30-34 MSG)

Marjorie

Physiological information from http://www.webmd.com/balance/how-worrying-affects-your-body Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

A Helper

If it were not for the King James Bible, we probably wouldn't even have the word some people have chosen to use as the description of woman's place in the world. "And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.' " (Genesis 2:18) And I wouldn't have just read a book called "Created to Be His Help Meet." The author, Debi Pearl, and her husband have founded a ministry on their interpretation of Scriptures having to do with family and home. I read a great many different types of books: for education, enlightenment, edification, and entertainment. It necessarily follows that I'll run across those with which I cannot agree. This book is just such a book.

First of all, "help meet" is not a term God used for the woman He planned to make, and it is something of a mistake to call her that. This is more than mere semantics. "Meet," usually a verb, takes the form here of a modifier to describe the kind of help: one that was suitable for him, comparable to him, an appropriate counterpart. I am not a Hebrew scholar, but my reference books indicate that the word used implies similitude. She would be like him. Adam had just finished naming all the animals—quite a task!—and he surely must have noted that all the living creatures had company with others that were similar, if not completely alike, in nature and habits. He alone was without a companion. He apparently was ready for verbal communication, calling out the name of each kind of animal, but they did not answer. We can assume that none had the power of speech except the Satan-serpent who was superior to all the rest. Eve was made "for" Adam for the same reason Adam was formed by God for Himself—for relationship. Although made from Adam's side, she too was in God's image.

The author says women are not partners with their husbands but were created to serve and satisfy him, and "God's ultimate goal for you is to meet your man's needs." In her role as a Titus 2 woman (the older women teaching the younger to love their husbands, be keepers at home, etc.), she lays out for women everywhere her description of a help meet, accompanied by Scriptures which, if followed, will assure a "glorious marriage." Apparently, when some women read this book, a fire is lighted in their hearts and they say, "Oh yes, I see! This is my calling!" If that is how one understands Scripture and the whole of God's plan—not just Genesis—then that is what she should live out. Serving a man does perhaps suit the gifts and temperaments of some women—and the men married to them.

But I submit that when others read, a different kind of fire is lighted in them and they say, "This is not us." (Note: not just me, but us.) Both readers are right. If both follow the path God has laid out for them, they do not need to make a pronouncement that encompasses every woman everywhere in every era. As I see it, the whole submission/silence/obedience issue is laid out along a continuum. It extends all the way from the non-person who is subsumed by her husband and the woman who lets herself be abused because she has no rights in her own personhood to the couple who see themselves as equals more alike than different, as true partners and companions. It is not up to me to decide where somebody else should be on that line of many points, and certainly not to declare that The Plan of God for Marriage looks the same for everybody.

The Proverbs 31 woman, long held as the ideal, probably nowadays is not seeking wool and flax for spinning; she does not dress in fine linen and purple, nor make garments and sashes to sell. Not having any maidservants, it is not necessary for her to make provision for them. She is not likely to be into real estate, buying and selling fields and vineyards. Those who hold this Scripture up as the standard will explain that we are not to take this old description literally, but are to use the principles therein. My point exactly. The wife may be a teacher or a waitress or a bank president, with a husband who is proud of her achievements and influence. He is not necessarily active in city government either; in fact, he may be the at-home parent with a grateful, wage-earning wife. I know a number of women who have/had a ministry calling even before marriage, and the husband-to-be pledged a supporting role, financially and spiritually. This is not being weak or effeminate. He is protecting and providing for more than just the woman he is asking to marry him; he is charged with some of the responsibility for her effectiveness in ministry as well

The Apostle Paul admonished wives' obedience so that the Gospel would not be shamed, but that was then. Those who try to lay the template of masterful husband/obedient wife on today's society are more apt to bring discredit to the Gospel, I think, than the couple who genuinely care for each other's welfare and don't pay a whole lot of attention to who is being "served" at any given time. (I actually know people like that!) It is no small thing to be a help or "helper," whether it happens to be the husband or wife. The Holy Spirit is a Helper, yet nowhere is He pictured as a servant to us or beneath us in any way simply because He is our helper. It is just as mistaken to consider the helping woman an inferior being who was created solely to serve a husband—or by extension, men in general.

Marjorie

Are Women People?

A hundred years ago a woman's suffrage advocate authored a column in the New York Tribune, entitled "Are Women People?" In 1915, some of the writings of Alice Duer Miller were published in a book by that title. The following is from her introduction:
FATHER, what is a Legislature?A representative body elected by the people of the state.
Are women people?No, my son, criminals, lunatics and women are not people.
Do legislators legislate for nothing?Oh, no; they are paid a salary.
By whom?By the people.
Are women people?Of course, my son, just as much as men are.

We would find that dichotomy humorous, except it is too true. Women were excluded from the electoral process, but conveniently included when it came to paying lawmaking and lawkeeping costs. Subtle reverberations of this attitude remain into the present.

It's been several decades ago, but when I applied for my first teaching position, the three board members who interviewed me asked, "Are you married? Are you planning to get married? We don't want a teacher getting pregnant." And it hasn't been all that long ago that car salesmen said to female prospective buyers, "When will you husband be able to come in with you?" Just recently, I overhead a delivery man make a disparaging remark about no women being present (or so he thought) to give the guys a hard time. Sometimes this slighting attitude is present even in the Church. One fellow made it clear that the men were meeting to pray about important issues like war and politics. The women, he scornfully assumed, met in "tea party" style to pray about the Sunday School and Aunt Susie's rheumatism.

So, it has ever been that men take care of serious business, while women are supposed to be less interested and certainly less capable. I grew up thinking that the only meaningful life for a grown woman was one of service (read: mother, teacher, nurse). Never mind that my real passion was ideas and words: reading them, and writing them. Society as a whole, and the Church in particular, believed that men and women were quite different inherently—God having made it so—and therefore must confine themselves to their prescribed roles. Those who study human behavior have changed many of their earlier-held views, but sadly, much of the Church has lagged behind.

Inequality, even arrogant domineering, shows up in many homes of the faithful. One writer, a man, says that ever since Eve, women have wanted to control their husbands. Is he implying that this would be wrong, but that it is okay for men to control their wives? Maybe so. With all due respect for his education and experience, I think that ever since that incident in the Garden, people have wanted to control other people. Unfortunately, some Christian men feel that the Scripture gives them license to do so.

Women, along with everyone else and perhaps not in any greater degree than others, want safety and security. I have to admit that not all women need or choose the same means of being secure. Some women want someone telling them exactly what to do. I think about one of the sweet songs from the movie, "The Sound of Music." Liesl sings to her admirer, the telegram-delivery fellow, "I am sixteen, going on seventeen . . . I need someone older and wiser, telling me what to do. You are seventeen, going on eighteen. I'll depend on you." Women of sixteen, twenty-six, even forty-six or ninety-six may feel that way, and that is their choice. But for someone to tell all women they must feel that way is ridiculous! Some women may prefer the security they find in knowing that that they cannot fully depend on anyone or anything but themselves and their relationship with God. They feel safe in their knowledge that there is no real security outside God Himself.

Of course women are people! In spite of traditional difficulties and prejudices, more and more women are recognizing that we matter to God and that we matter in His plan for life in this world.

Including election of the legislature or to the legislature, and paying taxes.

Marjorie

Source of Miller's piece: http://womenshistory.about.com/library/etext/bl_awp000_introduction.htm
(is a part of The New York Times Company)

The Circle of Relationship

The following post was first published on my blog, "Finding the Faith Way," on July 30, 2008. I have repeated here, with minor additions, because of its significance in this context.

I recently finished reading, “The Shack,” a controversial but wildly popular new book of Christian fiction. (A few days ago, #2 on the USA Today bestseller list of trade paperbacks; yesterday #1 on the NY Times list of the same!) It has big-name recommendations printed right on the cover, and can millions of buyers be wrong? (Yes, of course.) Even so, I found it less than engaging as a novel, not having the captivating beauty or staggering clarity I was told to expect. It does have, however, many very long passages of didactics by God the Father who appears to the main character as a large, outspoken black woman who loves to cook. Aided by an Asian-woman Holy Spirit who gardens in blue jeans, and by Jesus—a Jewish carpenter, naturally—God (called Papa) proceeds to teach Mack about the Trinity, and the suffering in life, and the ultimate plan of God.

Some readers can’t get past the “heresy” these characterizations represent to them. I’ll admit it wasn’t easy. Nevertheless, I came away from the reading with a new insight of significance. It is this: We will never quite understand the Trinity, because we cannot understand the Trinity. Mack marvels at the simple, beautiful, easy way the Three relate to each other. He can’t figure out who’s in charge; he’s always thought of God as being the Boss, but then that doesn’t seem to fit in this situation. So he asks about the chain of command.

God explains that there is no hierarchy because they are in a circle of relationship. Among themselves, they do not recognize the concept of a final authority. That is a problem humans have; they are so damaged in their relationships that they cannot imagine—let alone function in—a situation where there is not someone in charge. He (She) goes on to say that once hierarchy has been established, rules have to be made to protect and administer it, hence laws and enforcers of law. People then end up with a system that destroys relationships rather than building them, and seldom experience any relationships without some expression of power. That is the human paradigm.

Mack objects that after all we’ve adapted pretty well to that system, and the Holy Spirit girl is quick to point out that he must not confuse adaptation with intention. Made in God’s image, humans were meant to be unencumbered by artificial structure, free to just “be” in their relationship with God and one another. That intention was spoiled by man’s choice to act independently of God. The first step to restoring God’s intention then is to find, as much as we can on earth, the unity with God that the Three have in themselves, and then expand that unity into our human relationships. Is this possible? Yes. Jesus prayed, “that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us . . .” (John 17:21)

Get the book. Read it if you can.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Marjorie

Maybe It's Time to Give It Up

I ran across an interesting book the other day and checked it out from the Children's Center at the library: It's Time to Give Up Your Pacifier. Again, the blogging part of my brain kicked into gear, as I thought about some of the things we grownups cling to and just haven't been able to give up. Like children, we may have "pacifiers" that keep us busy or "security blankets" that comfort us, which we long since should have outgrown!

* An old argument: "I know I was right, I don't care what anybody says."

* A learned prejudice: "My daddy didn't trust . . . lawyers . . . or anyone from [wherever] . . . or the government . . . [or you name it], and so I don't either."

* A childhood resentment: "My parents always favored my brother . . . my sister . . . the youngest . . . the oldest . . ."

* A disagreement from long ago: "Ever since the church business meeting in '98, she has never spoken to me."

* A sense of entitlement: "I've worked hard all my life and made my own way, and now I deserve . . ."

* An exaggerated forlornness: "No one cares. No one ever calls. Not my parents . . . or my children . . . or the pastor . . . or [whoever] . . ."

* A distrust of others' good will: "Don't count on anybody's help if you're old . . . you're female . . . a minority . . . disabled . . . unemployed . . ."

* An unfounded suspicion: "I've always wondered why she . . . I'll bet she is . . ."

* A smoldering anger: "Every time I hear about [whatever], I get soooo mad!"

* A perceived injustice: "Things never work out for me. I never get to . . ."

* An envious excuse: "Some people get all the breaks."

* And perhaps the most common of all, the helpless and hopeless, "I can't."

Some of these may seem silly—especially the ones that are not about you or me!—but they are real to the people who own them, as real as Emily's or Anthony's or Chloe's pacifier. These feelings and attitudes console us, making us feel better about ourselves as we regard other people with less grace. The book said that growing up means finding new things to make you happy.
Bye-bye, "pacifier." Maybe it's time just to give it up!

Marjorie

Genny's Story - 10: Healing

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny is telling us about the process of healing after her abusive marriage to Jim.
Marjorie: How about other people, friends and family members? Were they supportive?

Genny: Hardly anybody knew, but the few that did were God's gift to me! I don't think I could have made it without their love and wisdom and their acceptance of my crazy thinking!

M: The Bible tells us that God heals the brokenhearted. Did you pray for healing?

G: All the time! But healing doesn't always come with someone's emphatic prayer or a little dab of oil on your forehead. For me, the single most significant turning point was one morning when a visiting minister to our church spoke on the marriage relationship, how it is for companionship and care and protection of one another. A great sorrow swept over me and I thought, "Oh, just look at what I've missed, what I'm never going to have!" And God spoke in my heart, as clearly as if He had said it out loud, "You have been so hurt and disappointed that you have forgotten how strong and sufficient I was all those years you were single." That changed my outlook completely, because from that day until now I have tried to turn my attention to new ways of remembering. I turn the pain into something positive. And I want to add that this is a very real thing to me, not just another slick way of learning to cope.

M: Tell us how you do this.

G: Well, for example when I recall, "We were sitting in this very restaurant when Jim got angry and stomped out." Then I say, "But oh, Lord, thank You that You are so patient. You have never threatened to leave me."

"Here were all these lies, a whole web of deceit in Jim's life. But God, You are the Faithful One! You are always reliable, perfect in your trustworthiness. I thank You!

"So much scorn was heaped on me. But You, Lord, have always treated me with respect. You have led me through difficult circumstances sometimes, but You have never tried to humiliate me. Thank You!"

And so on through every painful memory. "Lord, You are the perfect Giver. Thank You for giving to me everything pertaining to life and godliness, not for what You might get in return, but out of Your love for me!"

"God, You are not after the control that bars my humanity. You are in control because You are God, but You don't rule Your obedient child with a harsh rod. Thank You!

"Your love is pure, untainted by unrighteous motives. You have nothing to prove about Yourself. And you have no need to make me prove something! Thank You, Lord!

"God, with You there is no shadow of turning. I never have to question your continued love and loyalty. Thank You!

"Lord, Your words are sweeter than honey! Even when You correct me, I feel Your love lifting me to a better place. I thank You!

"God, I know You have a sense of humor, but it is so gentle. You don't seem to laugh at put-downs of people or make light of life's issues. Thank You!

"Lord, You did not choose comfort, but the way of the Cross. You did not choose ease but sacrifice. How I thank You!

"God, You know who You are, the great I AM. You know who I am. And You are letting me learn who we are! Thank You, thank You!"

I have to say that this has not only changed my response to memories, but it has also given me a better understanding and a closer relationship with God the Father. The Scripture even talks about Him being the husband of the forsaken, and that is a beautiful thought to hold onto if one has been hurt and disappointed.

M: So you're actually better and stronger than before? You thought God assured you that this marriage was for your joy and blessing—do you think it's possible that the deeper understanding and relationship with God that you now enjoy is what He was talking about?

G: Well, naturally I thought He meant that Jim and I would have this beautiful marriage and grow old together and all that. This was supposed to be the best part of our lives. I think that is what could have and should have happened, so this is terribly disappointing.. There is sorrow for myself, of course, but for God too, that He didn't get to see His plan worked out as He intended. God is God, but He does not always get what He wants because He lets us make choices.

M: But even though you're disappointed, you don't seem to have a lot of regret.

G: I don't. I believe I needed to marry Jim so that I would not spend the rest of my life regretting that I had missed the opportunity to make a home with this dearest of friends. And I needed to learn things about life and about myself that I didn't even know were missing. I don't think I would be where I am today without this experience, as awful as it was. And I am hoping that other women may be helped by what I have to share.

M: So then, all things really do work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose?

G: Yes, I know they do. I believe that with all my heart!

M: Genny, thank you for sharing! It has not been easy, has it?

G: No, but I have prayed often, "God, don't let what I have experienced be wasted." If our conversation gives to women some understanding and hope, then my prayer has been answered!

This is the end of Genny's shared story, but just the beginning of the new one she's living now!
___________________________________

*A recap of the books Genny mentioned, and others she found helpful:
Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical    and Emotional Abuse, by Paul Hegstrom
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO to Take Control of Your Life,    by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Finding Your Way through Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Physical, Emotional,    and Spiritual Healing, by Connie Fourré
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic    Violence, Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock
Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction, by Christine A. Adams
Telling Yourself the Truth: Find Your Way Out of Depression, Anxiety, Fear,    Anger, and Other Common Problems by Applying the Principles of    Misbelief Therapy, William Backus and Marie Chapman
Trauma: The Pain That Stays, by Robert Hicks
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to    Respond, by Patricia Evans
Whose Face Is in the Mirror? The Story of One Woman's Journey from the    Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True Healing, by Dianne Schwartz
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by    Lundy Bancroft

*Related Websites:

http://www.focusministries1.org/
http://www.drirene.com/ (This is a huge website, but there is a section where Christian women share with each other.)

Genny's Story - 9: Letting Go

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.
Genny has been describing acceptance and healing following her abusive marriage.
Marjorie: I'm sure readers are going to want to know: How long does it take to get over trauma like this? How long have you been healing?

Genny: Sometimes I talk to people who are healing from trauma or loss and if they ask how long, I tell them, "Recovery takes as long as it takes." I won't give any other answer because everyone is different and the process is each person's own. How long for me? I don't know yet! Years, anyway.

M: So it's okay not to be "over it" when other people think it's time?

G: That's right! We don't treat any other injuries like that—only emotional and spiritual ones. Like any other loss--and it is a loss--I'm not sure you ever "get over it." At whatever stage a person is, it's okay to be not over it yet. On the other hand, there has to come a place of deep acceptance. That is another healing thing: just to let go. Here was someone I loved who could not or would not love me. And I have to just let that go. The reality is painful, but I found not facing it is even worse.

In my religious tradition, people talk about bringing something to the altar, or laying something on the altar, meaning that they are committing the person or situation completely to God; they are taking their hands off. There was a time—when I backed off because Jim was not involved that much--I "laid Jim on the altar." Well, after he was gone, one morning in church I reminded both myself and God that Jim was still "on the altar," and that I was still committed to following the Lord with my whole being. And God's whisper inside me said, "Now you have to walk away."

So I've had to let go of Jim and walk away from my illusion of a beautiful marriage and a happy home. I've had to face the weakness I have that gives others control of my happiness or success. I have many very good, strong relationships, but I am learning that what those friends or family members think of me is not the standard by which God measures me nor is it how I should measure myself. I am not oblivious to people's opinions, of course, but more and more I am able to recognize that the opinion I have of myself is valid too!

My counselor asked me once, since I had a failed marriage earlier in life, "Do you feel that you've failed again?" No, I didn't fail Jim. Even though we could not stay together, I kept my commitment until the very last. When we both knew there could be no happy ending, I assured him, "I will be faithful to you; you don't have to question that." Whether or not he might have is not the point; I was committed even though by then it was a hopeless cause. I have sometimes mistaken my attempts to rescue people and situations for a commitment to God. My taking the responsibility for things in other people's lives that they should be taking responsibility for themselves is not helping either me or them. And it's not even helping God! He has His own agenda with them. I have to let go of them.

M: I just "have to" ask you this: If you found the love of your life in church and yet it turned out so badly, what about the advice we often hear that church is where a Christian should look for a partner?

G: That's a very fine ideal, but if I've learned anything, it is that you can't always trust "nice." I certainly wouldn't exclude church, but I wouldn't recommend it exclusively for the same reason I wouldn't suggest online searches. Sure, it works out sometimes, but it also has a lot of potential for deceit and heartbreak. A person whose Christian faith is so genuine that you spot them at work or in the classroom or on a group tour or wherever may be a better risk than a "Sunday Christian." Just my opinion. [She grins.]

I wish I had read, years ago, the very practical lists I discovered in a book, Whose Face Is in the Mirror?— "His Warning Signs" and "Our Own Warning Signs." I've had to let go of some of my visionary model!

M: Were there other things you let go?

G: Yes, I quit holding myself to the rigid schedule that had kept me from flying apart. My doctor told me, "You need to begin doing some things that are fun." And I am not ashamed that he also prescribed medication to help me sleep. With his "permission," I began to ease up on myself. It was important for me to do things that brought order instead of chaos and uncertainty and noise for its own sake. Some people clean house like crazy or take up jogging. I needed to rest. I slept. I listened to a lot of beautiful, harmonious music, and I played the piano. I did crossword puzzles and picture puzzles. I read "omnivorously"—everything—and I watched movies if I was pretty sure they had good endings! And very importantly, I kept working where I had contact with people who were "normal." I began to feel sane again, better balanced, probably, than I have ever been in all my adult life.

M: So since you've been laying aside the anger and blame and hurt and worry, there's more room for positive things.

G: A lot more room! I hardly know who I am any more, but now, that's a good, healthy thing!

To be continued, concluding next time.

Genny's Story - 3: Discovery and Denial

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny shares now about how she came to understand that she was being abused in her home.
Marjorie: Tell us something about the process of discovery which led you to see that what you were experiencing was abuse.

Genny: I was a long time coming to that discovery; it truly was a process. It took no time at all, once we were married, for me to realize that harsh and demeaning words were going to be the norm. When you love, though, you can excuse quite a lot and so for awhile, I just handled it like the hurt feelings I might have in any other situation: I asked God to help me get over it. Oh, I just remember he found me praying once after he'd knocked me down verbally, and that made him really mad! Maybe he didn't want God interfering in our relationship . . .?

M: But this was different than ordinary, run-of-the-mill hurt feelings?

G: Yes, this was consistently repeated, worsening as time went on, and expanding to take in more areas.

M: When did you begin to see it for what it was?

G: At the library, I came across the book, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. Jim was away, and when I got started reading it, I stayed up most of the night. I would read a few pages and then put the book down and say, "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness." Many of the things were so true to my own situation, I could hardly believe I was seeing it on a printed page. Before that, I did not recognize that these actions were a deliberate pattern for the purpose of control. I had no frame of reference to call his actions abusive. When I was hurt and he would say, "Oh, you're just too sensitive," I thought, "Okay, I'm just too sensitive; I'll try to be tougher." But then I read Angry Men and the author (a man, by the way) wrote that angry men often say such things to blame their partner and excuse themselves. I believe that's when I first really saw that what was happening in my home was an identifiable pattern of behavior and that it had a name. Abuse.

M: Can you give us examples from that book?

G: The author names physical abuse, which would obviously include beating and kicking and choking, but also such things as grabbing, pushing, shaking, or arm-twisting. Emotional abuse such as putting the woman down, making her feel bad about herself, "owning" her. Economic abuse: refusing to take financial responsibility, spending her money or using her credit for himself, making unreasonable demands that she account for her expenditures, even unlawful actions. Threats: "You're just lucky to have me." "If you do such-and-such, I will leave you." Intimidation: looks, actions, gestures, or a loud voice intended to put fear into her, demanding undivided attention. Property damage: breaking things (always hers, not his). Isolation: insisting on knowing where she is at all times and who she talks to, hindering her association with other people. Humiliation: hostile humor in public, verbal criticism, inappropriate touching in public. Sexual abuse: rough or unwanted sex, withholding sex. Male privilege: treating her like a servant, perhaps using Scripture about "submission" to justify that behavior. There's more, but that's probably enough!

M: Until you gained some of this information, would you say you were in denial?

G: Oh yes, certainly! You don't want to believe bad, ugly things about someone you love, so you just don't let the thoughts take enough shape that they can be called something. But I have to say that some denial was the only way I had been able to make it that far. If the situation is so bad that you think "This cannot be happening," the next logical step is, "It's not really happening." Women like me begin to deny feeling what we feel, not daring to think what we think, because it's a matter of survival. It's not a matter of trying to be happy; it's just trying to stay sane. It wouldn't have been helpful at all for someone to tell me, "You're just in denial." It's true, I was, but the unconscious part of me knew how much I could deal with and survive. When I was able to receive it, I began to come across the information I needed.

M: "When the learner is ready, the teacher comes"—or something like that."

G: Yes, that was true for me, anyway. It was right there on the printed page. I couldn't deny it any longer.

M: So denial kept you from knowing?

G: Yes, but I don't necessarily think that all denial is a bad thing. I wasn't ready yet to see, and denial protected me--my mind and heart--until I was ready to handle the truth.

M: So a little healthy denial is a good thing?" [I'm smiling!]

G: Yes, I guess you could say that, if you want to live through a situation that's too terrible to live through!

M: Were there incidents that made you see clearly the extent of abuse in your home?

G: Yes, one morning he flew into the worst rage I have ever witnessed by anyone anywhere: yelling, cursing and name-calling, slamming doors. I felt calm, knowing that if he punched or shoved, I would call the police—in a heartbeat. But I excused even that outburst, telling myself, "He was so upset he didn't know what he was saying." So several days later, when one of us brought up that incident and I offered my lenient assessment, he vehemently told me, "I wasn't out of control. I knew exactly what I was doing. And I purposely chose the words that I knew would hurt you the worst."

M: How did you respond to that?

G: I was devastated. Through the years I had made all kinds of excuses for his bad behavior. That day my trust was fractured as I took a hard look at the truth. There were not extenuating circumstances; Jim's behavior was not simply an aberration. This was the real Jim I had not allowed myself to recognize. That was the beginning of my awareness that I was in an ongoing crisis situation. I had to face the fact that Jim was not abusive because he was angry so much as that he was angry because he was an abuser.

M: Let me ask this: Were you ever afraid?

G: Other people were afraid for me sometimes, but I think I was actually afraid only once. We were traveling, staying in a motel. He startled me from exhausted sleep by suddenly turning on the lamp, directly into my face. I went into a panic mode, shaking and crying; I literally could not stop. Instead of trying to calm and comfort me, he stared at me with the most awful expression I had ever seen on his face. The only way I can describe it was a look of evil pleasure; his eyes were excited and glittery. Like a snake's, I thought. I was horrified.

M: But you didn't recognize any of this as abuse?

G: No. It's like I couldn't get my mind around it. This wasn't the first time in my life that a close relationship of mine had faltered and failed, but it was my first experience of abuse and it was utterly incomprehensible. I couldn't believe that somebody who claimed to be godly could be so cruel to a person he had promised to love and cherish.

To be continued.