Acting In

Distressed individuals—adults as well as children—are sometimes said to be "acting out" when their internal conflict or painful emotions are expressed in outward behavior that is unhealthy and defensive. Their actions may even be destructive or dangerous to themselves and others. At the very least, they are irritating, but correcting the situation is not always as simple as just suggesting or demanding that the behavior stop. Most often, the impulses are not conscious

Acting out may be expressed as anger: hurting someone (or an animal), breaking things, creating a scene, taking aggressive actions like road-rage incidents, using abusive language, blaming, and seeking a way to "get even." It may also take the form of fear: helplessness, over-dependence, anxiety.

"Acting in" has the same basis. It is hard for many women to acknowledge anger and deal with it. For those of us brought up more than a generation ago, it was verboten (forbidden) just because it was unsuitable for women—especially Christian women—to "get mad." Fear was not acceptable either and "nervous" women were scorned.

But these emotions have to go somewhere. If release is not permitted in healthy outward ways—more about that later—they will get stored internally. Anger or fear turned inward on oneself can do all kinds of damage including:

- Obsessive thinking about the painful situation
- Trouble eating or sleeping
- Overeating or sleeping too much
- Depression
- Irritability, crying
- Physical illness
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering
- Inability to function

There is no one sure-fire way of dealing with the strong feelings of rage or anxiety that accompany deep conflict, but many people find that it is helpful to let the body express that emotion. One may write a letter—to be mailed or not—to the person responsible for her hurt. Or she can personalize her emotion and write a letter or speak to an empty chair what she is feeling. ("Well, Betrayal or Grief or Disaster, you found me didn't you?") You can hit a tennis ball or pound a pillow. You can express yourself in music or art. We have to find some way to calm the impulse we have to lash out at anyone or anything, or to create as much havoc as possible, or to beat up on ourselves. And don't forget, you can without embarrassment seek the help of a mental-health professional, and your medical doctor as well if things are completely out of balance.

Make a conscious effort to bring your thoughts to the positive present: "I can manage, and I will." The more that anger and fear can be expressed in structured ways, the less there will be left for acting out. Or acting in.

Marjorie

Genny's Story - 3: Discovery and Denial

To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.

Genny shares now about how she came to understand that she was being abused in her home.
Marjorie: Tell us something about the process of discovery which led you to see that what you were experiencing was abuse.

Genny: I was a long time coming to that discovery; it truly was a process. It took no time at all, once we were married, for me to realize that harsh and demeaning words were going to be the norm. When you love, though, you can excuse quite a lot and so for awhile, I just handled it like the hurt feelings I might have in any other situation: I asked God to help me get over it. Oh, I just remember he found me praying once after he'd knocked me down verbally, and that made him really mad! Maybe he didn't want God interfering in our relationship . . .?

M: But this was different than ordinary, run-of-the-mill hurt feelings?

G: Yes, this was consistently repeated, worsening as time went on, and expanding to take in more areas.

M: When did you begin to see it for what it was?

G: At the library, I came across the book, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. Jim was away, and when I got started reading it, I stayed up most of the night. I would read a few pages and then put the book down and say, "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness." Many of the things were so true to my own situation, I could hardly believe I was seeing it on a printed page. Before that, I did not recognize that these actions were a deliberate pattern for the purpose of control. I had no frame of reference to call his actions abusive. When I was hurt and he would say, "Oh, you're just too sensitive," I thought, "Okay, I'm just too sensitive; I'll try to be tougher." But then I read Angry Men and the author (a man, by the way) wrote that angry men often say such things to blame their partner and excuse themselves. I believe that's when I first really saw that what was happening in my home was an identifiable pattern of behavior and that it had a name. Abuse.

M: Can you give us examples from that book?

G: The author names physical abuse, which would obviously include beating and kicking and choking, but also such things as grabbing, pushing, shaking, or arm-twisting. Emotional abuse such as putting the woman down, making her feel bad about herself, "owning" her. Economic abuse: refusing to take financial responsibility, spending her money or using her credit for himself, making unreasonable demands that she account for her expenditures, even unlawful actions. Threats: "You're just lucky to have me." "If you do such-and-such, I will leave you." Intimidation: looks, actions, gestures, or a loud voice intended to put fear into her, demanding undivided attention. Property damage: breaking things (always hers, not his). Isolation: insisting on knowing where she is at all times and who she talks to, hindering her association with other people. Humiliation: hostile humor in public, verbal criticism, inappropriate touching in public. Sexual abuse: rough or unwanted sex, withholding sex. Male privilege: treating her like a servant, perhaps using Scripture about "submission" to justify that behavior. There's more, but that's probably enough!

M: Until you gained some of this information, would you say you were in denial?

G: Oh yes, certainly! You don't want to believe bad, ugly things about someone you love, so you just don't let the thoughts take enough shape that they can be called something. But I have to say that some denial was the only way I had been able to make it that far. If the situation is so bad that you think "This cannot be happening," the next logical step is, "It's not really happening." Women like me begin to deny feeling what we feel, not daring to think what we think, because it's a matter of survival. It's not a matter of trying to be happy; it's just trying to stay sane. It wouldn't have been helpful at all for someone to tell me, "You're just in denial." It's true, I was, but the unconscious part of me knew how much I could deal with and survive. When I was able to receive it, I began to come across the information I needed.

M: "When the learner is ready, the teacher comes"—or something like that."

G: Yes, that was true for me, anyway. It was right there on the printed page. I couldn't deny it any longer.

M: So denial kept you from knowing?

G: Yes, but I don't necessarily think that all denial is a bad thing. I wasn't ready yet to see, and denial protected me--my mind and heart--until I was ready to handle the truth.

M: So a little healthy denial is a good thing?" [I'm smiling!]

G: Yes, I guess you could say that, if you want to live through a situation that's too terrible to live through!

M: Were there incidents that made you see clearly the extent of abuse in your home?

G: Yes, one morning he flew into the worst rage I have ever witnessed by anyone anywhere: yelling, cursing and name-calling, slamming doors. I felt calm, knowing that if he punched or shoved, I would call the police—in a heartbeat. But I excused even that outburst, telling myself, "He was so upset he didn't know what he was saying." So several days later, when one of us brought up that incident and I offered my lenient assessment, he vehemently told me, "I wasn't out of control. I knew exactly what I was doing. And I purposely chose the words that I knew would hurt you the worst."

M: How did you respond to that?

G: I was devastated. Through the years I had made all kinds of excuses for his bad behavior. That day my trust was fractured as I took a hard look at the truth. There were not extenuating circumstances; Jim's behavior was not simply an aberration. This was the real Jim I had not allowed myself to recognize. That was the beginning of my awareness that I was in an ongoing crisis situation. I had to face the fact that Jim was not abusive because he was angry so much as that he was angry because he was an abuser.

M: Let me ask this: Were you ever afraid?

G: Other people were afraid for me sometimes, but I think I was actually afraid only once. We were traveling, staying in a motel. He startled me from exhausted sleep by suddenly turning on the lamp, directly into my face. I went into a panic mode, shaking and crying; I literally could not stop. Instead of trying to calm and comfort me, he stared at me with the most awful expression I had ever seen on his face. The only way I can describe it was a look of evil pleasure; his eyes were excited and glittery. Like a snake's, I thought. I was horrified.

M: But you didn't recognize any of this as abuse?

G: No. It's like I couldn't get my mind around it. This wasn't the first time in my life that a close relationship of mine had faltered and failed, but it was my first experience of abuse and it was utterly incomprehensible. I couldn't believe that somebody who claimed to be godly could be so cruel to a person he had promised to love and cherish.

To be continued.