Isn't it interesting that our resolutions are usually made in regard to something we really don't want to do? It's as if resolving to do them is somehow going to make us do them. That is one reason resolutions don't work very well.
“I want to lose fifteen pounds.” No we don't—we want to have lost them! We want very little, or may even resist, the actual process of losing the weight. That may be one reason we find it so hard to keep that resolution!
“I will exercise more.” A good resolve, but a hazy one. Unless we have a plan—not hugely ambitious, but a certain workout, however mild or intense, at a definite time and place—it will be pretty difficult to stick to the vague intention.
“I won't be late to work any more.” Excellent! But if we are part of a busy household and drive to the job at rush hour, we are not always going to be in control. Maybe better would be, “I will do my very best to leave the house by such-and-such time.”
How about this? Resolve to do some of the things that enhance your well-being—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Not such difficult things that you get off track the first week in January; things you really want to do but may have been reluctant to give yourself that “permission.” Such as, “I will eat a piece of dark chocolate, just one, every day.” “I will smile in the mirror and tell myself something good about myself every day.” “I will work my favorite newspaper puzzle every week.” “I will read at least one uplifting book every month.”
Doesn't that sound like a HAPPY new year?
Marjorie
Showing posts with label self-care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-care. Show all posts
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tell
When I began writing this blog, I promised myself that I would address not only the ordinary issues that Christian women face but also the tragedies that some are living. This post first appeared on November 20, 2008, as an entry on my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way." Because of its relevance to women in particular, I have moved it to this location.
"When a tree falls in a lonely forest, and no animal is near by (sic) to hear it, does it make a sound?" Readers of a 1910 physics book pondered the question, so this philosophical riddle has been around for a long time. (Wikiquote) Of course, the answer depends on our definition of sound. If we mean the frequency of vibrations caused by one thing striking another, yes, it makes a sound. If we mean these vibrations striking a hearing organ and messages being sent to a brain, no, it does not. So there is not one answer; it all depends on how you look at it.
I know women—it can be men too, but it is more often women—who silently suffer abuse in their homes. “No one is around to hear it.” Rarely do I see evidence of physical battering; that’s just too obvious. But they are victims of “stealth” abusers; you would have to live in their house to witness the abuse. Here are some examples:
A pattern of lying, insults, ignoring, manipulation, criticism, intentional irritation, devaluation, threats, humiliation, coercion, name-calling, intimidation.
More? A pattern of sadistic humor, sexual objectification, punishment, unreasonable expectations, a purposely-created atmosphere of fear and unpredictability.
And then there is control. A pattern of arbitrarily determining how much one can spend and on what, where one can go, how many miles you can drive, when you must return, whom you can see, what you should wear, how you are to sit, eat, talk, and stand, when you can sleep.
This is not an exclusive list, for there are many more creative ways to abuse than I have mentioned here. Because there are no bruises, many women (and men too) feel they really shouldn’t make a fuss about it, and anyway, if I don’t think too much about it, can it really be happening? “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
Now everybody gets up on the wrong side of bed once in awhile. Everyone has a tough day now and then and becomes irritable. That’s not what this is about. We are considering here a pattern of behavior with the characteristics outlined above. How does a person get into a situation like this? It is the rare person who would marry someone they knew would be abusive. A common way is this: the would-be abuser has learned by observation and practice to make his/her actions appear normal—perhaps even better than normal. They are attractive, charming, devout certainly, smart probably, guaranteed (by their own good word!) to be trustworthy. They can keep up this for some extended periods of time, i.e. while they work, go to church, relax at a ball game, or take a date to dinner. But in a long-term 24/7 relationship, the need to hide what they really hold inside—anger, fear, self-hate, or whatever—is too great a strain. They find it impossible to maintain their pretense of stability, and the true self comes rushing to the surface.
The outburst, whether all at once or in increments that lead to an alarming conclusion, usually comes as a huge surprise to the “victim.” The loving, charming person you fell in love with suddenly becomes someone you do not even know. Having invested a great deal of love and trust and commitment yourself, you assume that your loved one is ready to make the same sacrifices in order for the relationship to thrive. It is shocking and terribly confusing to discover that this is not true.
“Maybe I’m expecting too much,” you think. “She is just tired.” “He has a lot on his mind lately.” “He said he wouldn’t do it again.” “She begged for another chance.” And yet . . . and yet . . . if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it not make any sound? Does pretending nothing is happening mean that nothing is?
I know of no better way for you to help yourself or someone you know in such a situation than to talk with someone. Tell. That is hard, for you or your friend genuinely love the difficult person. It is not with the intent to punish or harm the other, but to gain clarity, to see with a less-narrow perspective. You have to tell. Very few victims can see clearly enough to help themselves. You must, though, choose your confidante with care; few family members or neighbors and not even all clergypersons are suited to counsel a person about domestic abuse.
Usually the best place to begin is with a confidential call to your local crisis center. The dedicated volunteers there, many of whom have experienced what you are experiencing, will know what to do. They have heard everything and will be kind to you, and they have access to the trained professionals you may need. (But if you are in an immediate situation of physical abuse, call the police.)
Hidden things have great power over us. This is not to say that everything is to be shared indiscriminately—even though that might feel good! The only way to deal with the sheer unbelievability of the situation is to come to terms with what is, in fact, reality. Telling does not make things worse; it helps make them real so that you can rationally determine the course of action to be taken. Don’t be silent, for if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does that mean it didn’t make a sound?
A related article: "Bruises" (here)
Marjorie
"When a tree falls in a lonely forest, and no animal is near by (sic) to hear it, does it make a sound?" Readers of a 1910 physics book pondered the question, so this philosophical riddle has been around for a long time. (Wikiquote) Of course, the answer depends on our definition of sound. If we mean the frequency of vibrations caused by one thing striking another, yes, it makes a sound. If we mean these vibrations striking a hearing organ and messages being sent to a brain, no, it does not. So there is not one answer; it all depends on how you look at it.
I know women—it can be men too, but it is more often women—who silently suffer abuse in their homes. “No one is around to hear it.” Rarely do I see evidence of physical battering; that’s just too obvious. But they are victims of “stealth” abusers; you would have to live in their house to witness the abuse. Here are some examples:
A pattern of lying, insults, ignoring, manipulation, criticism, intentional irritation, devaluation, threats, humiliation, coercion, name-calling, intimidation.
More? A pattern of sadistic humor, sexual objectification, punishment, unreasonable expectations, a purposely-created atmosphere of fear and unpredictability.
And then there is control. A pattern of arbitrarily determining how much one can spend and on what, where one can go, how many miles you can drive, when you must return, whom you can see, what you should wear, how you are to sit, eat, talk, and stand, when you can sleep.
This is not an exclusive list, for there are many more creative ways to abuse than I have mentioned here. Because there are no bruises, many women (and men too) feel they really shouldn’t make a fuss about it, and anyway, if I don’t think too much about it, can it really be happening? “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
Now everybody gets up on the wrong side of bed once in awhile. Everyone has a tough day now and then and becomes irritable. That’s not what this is about. We are considering here a pattern of behavior with the characteristics outlined above. How does a person get into a situation like this? It is the rare person who would marry someone they knew would be abusive. A common way is this: the would-be abuser has learned by observation and practice to make his/her actions appear normal—perhaps even better than normal. They are attractive, charming, devout certainly, smart probably, guaranteed (by their own good word!) to be trustworthy. They can keep up this for some extended periods of time, i.e. while they work, go to church, relax at a ball game, or take a date to dinner. But in a long-term 24/7 relationship, the need to hide what they really hold inside—anger, fear, self-hate, or whatever—is too great a strain. They find it impossible to maintain their pretense of stability, and the true self comes rushing to the surface.
The outburst, whether all at once or in increments that lead to an alarming conclusion, usually comes as a huge surprise to the “victim.” The loving, charming person you fell in love with suddenly becomes someone you do not even know. Having invested a great deal of love and trust and commitment yourself, you assume that your loved one is ready to make the same sacrifices in order for the relationship to thrive. It is shocking and terribly confusing to discover that this is not true.
“Maybe I’m expecting too much,” you think. “She is just tired.” “He has a lot on his mind lately.” “He said he wouldn’t do it again.” “She begged for another chance.” And yet . . . and yet . . . if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it not make any sound? Does pretending nothing is happening mean that nothing is?
I know of no better way for you to help yourself or someone you know in such a situation than to talk with someone. Tell. That is hard, for you or your friend genuinely love the difficult person. It is not with the intent to punish or harm the other, but to gain clarity, to see with a less-narrow perspective. You have to tell. Very few victims can see clearly enough to help themselves. You must, though, choose your confidante with care; few family members or neighbors and not even all clergypersons are suited to counsel a person about domestic abuse.
Usually the best place to begin is with a confidential call to your local crisis center. The dedicated volunteers there, many of whom have experienced what you are experiencing, will know what to do. They have heard everything and will be kind to you, and they have access to the trained professionals you may need. (But if you are in an immediate situation of physical abuse, call the police.)
Hidden things have great power over us. This is not to say that everything is to be shared indiscriminately—even though that might feel good! The only way to deal with the sheer unbelievability of the situation is to come to terms with what is, in fact, reality. Telling does not make things worse; it helps make them real so that you can rationally determine the course of action to be taken. Don’t be silent, for if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does that mean it didn’t make a sound?
A related article: "Bruises" (here)
Marjorie
Monday, March 1, 2010
Serving or Subservience
Sometimes we hear Christian jargon batted about so much that we lose our grasp of what is meant by the terms. Because words like servant and servanthood have been used so much, I've chosen to use different ones.
If one has a spirit of helpfulness, it is easy to slip from freedom in serving into the bondage of subservience. Right away we can get a clue from the sub- prefix. It means "under," "beneath," "lower," "further down" or "less important." That meaning is useful, of course, when we talk about a subway or submarine, subzero temperatures, a subbasement, or a subhead. But sub- connected to service means, not retained and remunerated fairly for aid one has given, but service that is required because the server is under the other. He/she is beneath the one being served, lower and less important.
My purpose in pointing out this difference is that Christians sometimes confuse the two. (As I have done myself.) Too frequently, it can be seen in churches where officials use their position to assume a superior stance over others. They "deserve" their privileges and even if they do not require obeisance, they quite readily accept inappropriate deference. Sadly, it is found in home relationships too. The husband—backed by Scriptural teaching, he supposes, concerning the submission of his wife to his decisions and wishes—domineers or even abuses his family. The wife may not realize there is any other way to interpret those same Scriptures, and hates the position in which they have placed her. In these churches and homes, those who "under" are not able to give freely in serving, but are enmeshed in subservience. While risking oversimplification, I see the two sharply contrasted in these ways.
Serving allows one to understand and minister to others while retaining his/her own identity and objectivity.
Subservience requires one to give up autonomy, even one's own Spirit-led intentions.
Serving has genuineness about it; it is consistent with the rest of the giver's life.
Subservience means the giver may have to hide feelings of frustration and anger.
Serving is about honestly assessing need, not always yielding to what is wanted or demanded.
Subservience is allowing oneself to be manipulated by another, even when their agenda might not be particularly self-serving.
Serving means one chooses to be in a caring or giving situation.
Subservience requires one to co-operate or suffer negative consequences.
So what are people to do if they are caught in subservience rather than serving? Some situations can be altered so that the sub- part no longer exists to create an imbalance of power. That's why Jesus was so hard on the Pharisees. Some relationships have to enter a negotiation phase, where both giver and receiver act honestly and graciously. Remember Jesus washing Peter's feet? And some have to be ended. The Apostle Paul and Barnabas perhaps illustrate this when they went their separate ways, although thankfully, only temporarily. None of these are easy, especially if the inequality is firmly established. But serving is a Christian privilege, fully based on the Scripture; subservience is not.
Marjorie
If one has a spirit of helpfulness, it is easy to slip from freedom in serving into the bondage of subservience. Right away we can get a clue from the sub- prefix. It means "under," "beneath," "lower," "further down" or "less important." That meaning is useful, of course, when we talk about a subway or submarine, subzero temperatures, a subbasement, or a subhead. But sub- connected to service means, not retained and remunerated fairly for aid one has given, but service that is required because the server is under the other. He/she is beneath the one being served, lower and less important.
My purpose in pointing out this difference is that Christians sometimes confuse the two. (As I have done myself.) Too frequently, it can be seen in churches where officials use their position to assume a superior stance over others. They "deserve" their privileges and even if they do not require obeisance, they quite readily accept inappropriate deference. Sadly, it is found in home relationships too. The husband—backed by Scriptural teaching, he supposes, concerning the submission of his wife to his decisions and wishes—domineers or even abuses his family. The wife may not realize there is any other way to interpret those same Scriptures, and hates the position in which they have placed her. In these churches and homes, those who "under" are not able to give freely in serving, but are enmeshed in subservience. While risking oversimplification, I see the two sharply contrasted in these ways.
Serving allows one to understand and minister to others while retaining his/her own identity and objectivity.
Subservience requires one to give up autonomy, even one's own Spirit-led intentions.
Serving has genuineness about it; it is consistent with the rest of the giver's life.
Subservience means the giver may have to hide feelings of frustration and anger.
Serving is about honestly assessing need, not always yielding to what is wanted or demanded.
Subservience is allowing oneself to be manipulated by another, even when their agenda might not be particularly self-serving.
Serving means one chooses to be in a caring or giving situation.
Subservience requires one to co-operate or suffer negative consequences.
So what are people to do if they are caught in subservience rather than serving? Some situations can be altered so that the sub- part no longer exists to create an imbalance of power. That's why Jesus was so hard on the Pharisees. Some relationships have to enter a negotiation phase, where both giver and receiver act honestly and graciously. Remember Jesus washing Peter's feet? And some have to be ended. The Apostle Paul and Barnabas perhaps illustrate this when they went their separate ways, although thankfully, only temporarily. None of these are easy, especially if the inequality is firmly established. But serving is a Christian privilege, fully based on the Scripture; subservience is not.
Marjorie
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
"It's Not My Problem"
Those words can be callous and hurtful if stated with disregard for the feelings of other people who find themselves in unhappy circumstances. It probably should not be said at all, but only kept in mind by those of us who tend to take on the task of seeing that everyone around us is happy! That is not our problem! Not our job! Not our calling!
Women sometimes assume this care-taking mindset because of their place as wives, mothers, and workers in many of the helping professions. In these situations, we may have special responsibility for the well-being of those around us, but not for their happiness. That is up to them. Happiness is a choice, even a decision. No one can make another happy, and unfortunately some people are satisfied only if they have something to be unhappy about! We do not have to let such people intimidate us by their expectations—even if they are children or genuinely needy individuals or sincere folks who want us to further their religious project. We do not have the time, talents, money, or physical and emotional energy to make them all happy. It's not our problem!
This is not to say that we should not give thoughtful consideration to requests or demands that come our way. We have probably already learned that it is all right to say "no." What we don't much like is the fallout of our decision if the asker does not accept our answer gracefully. The child may get all pouty. The individual who wanted our resources may be upset. The project leader may be visibly disappointed in us. But that is not our problem!
Well, actually the child may become our problem if we're the parent. "If you need to pout about this, you will have to go to your room to do it." Otherwise, people's responses are their responsibility. Being happy is their problem, not ours.
Marjorie
Women sometimes assume this care-taking mindset because of their place as wives, mothers, and workers in many of the helping professions. In these situations, we may have special responsibility for the well-being of those around us, but not for their happiness. That is up to them. Happiness is a choice, even a decision. No one can make another happy, and unfortunately some people are satisfied only if they have something to be unhappy about! We do not have to let such people intimidate us by their expectations—even if they are children or genuinely needy individuals or sincere folks who want us to further their religious project. We do not have the time, talents, money, or physical and emotional energy to make them all happy. It's not our problem!
This is not to say that we should not give thoughtful consideration to requests or demands that come our way. We have probably already learned that it is all right to say "no." What we don't much like is the fallout of our decision if the asker does not accept our answer gracefully. The child may get all pouty. The individual who wanted our resources may be upset. The project leader may be visibly disappointed in us. But that is not our problem!
Well, actually the child may become our problem if we're the parent. "If you need to pout about this, you will have to go to your room to do it." Otherwise, people's responses are their responsibility. Being happy is their problem, not ours.
Marjorie
Friday, January 22, 2010
What Happens When Women Worry
Today I came across an old book that I have had for a long time. Over thirty years ago, a Christian woman wrote, "What Happens When Women Pray"—not a question, but a statement. It has gone into many editions; there are over two million in print. She outlines some of the basic concepts of prayer and how God answers. Seeing the title again brought to mind an opposing thought: what happens when women worry.
Living in a constant state of worry can trigger a host of physical reactions. In long-ago times, the "fight or flight" response protected our ancestors from wild animals and unfriendly humans. In ordinary, daily life we don't face those dangers, but our body doesn't know that. When subjected to continued intense anxiety, it prepares for a genuine threat. The nervous system releases stress hormones to boost the body's fuel levels—but if the constant inrush of fuel is not needed for physical activity like fighting or running away (or used in purposeful exercise), it can create health problems.
The fast heartbeat, dry mouth, trembling or weakness that one may experience after a scare can become commonplace to the chronic worrier. Dizziness, muscle tension and aches, shortness of breath or difficulty swallowing, headaches, and nausea may also occur. Eventually, there could be serious physical consequences including suppression of the immune system, digestive disorders, premature coronary artery disease, and heart attack.
Worry, some wise person has said, is a cycle of inefficient thought whirling around a center of fear. If you are a worrier, your doctor might suggest some lifestyle changes, telling you to exercise and to eat a healthful diet, cut down on caffeine and learn to relax—all of which can be very helpful. You might also consider dealing with those two things that constitute so much of our worry: inefficient thought and fear.
How about sitting down to give careful thought to the worrisome situation:
4First, is it my responsibility?
4Am I able to do anything about it?
4Will anything change if I continue to fret?
4On the contrary, what might possibly happen if I pray?
And then consider that pivotal fear:
4Is the perceived danger present and real?
4What is likely to happen if I take action based on my feeling of fear?
4But what could happen if I act on my knowledge that God is bigger than anything?
What happens when women worry? Not much that is helpful. But perhaps they eventually see Jesus' truth. "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things [what to eat and what to wear], but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:30-34 MSG)
Marjorie
Living in a constant state of worry can trigger a host of physical reactions. In long-ago times, the "fight or flight" response protected our ancestors from wild animals and unfriendly humans. In ordinary, daily life we don't face those dangers, but our body doesn't know that. When subjected to continued intense anxiety, it prepares for a genuine threat. The nervous system releases stress hormones to boost the body's fuel levels—but if the constant inrush of fuel is not needed for physical activity like fighting or running away (or used in purposeful exercise), it can create health problems.
The fast heartbeat, dry mouth, trembling or weakness that one may experience after a scare can become commonplace to the chronic worrier. Dizziness, muscle tension and aches, shortness of breath or difficulty swallowing, headaches, and nausea may also occur. Eventually, there could be serious physical consequences including suppression of the immune system, digestive disorders, premature coronary artery disease, and heart attack.
Worry, some wise person has said, is a cycle of inefficient thought whirling around a center of fear. If you are a worrier, your doctor might suggest some lifestyle changes, telling you to exercise and to eat a healthful diet, cut down on caffeine and learn to relax—all of which can be very helpful. You might also consider dealing with those two things that constitute so much of our worry: inefficient thought and fear.
How about sitting down to give careful thought to the worrisome situation:
4First, is it my responsibility?
4Am I able to do anything about it?
4Will anything change if I continue to fret?
4On the contrary, what might possibly happen if I pray?
And then consider that pivotal fear:
4Is the perceived danger present and real?
4What is likely to happen if I take action based on my feeling of fear?
4But what could happen if I act on my knowledge that God is bigger than anything?
What happens when women worry? Not much that is helpful. But perhaps they eventually see Jesus' truth. "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things [what to eat and what to wear], but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:30-34 MSG)
Marjorie
Physiological information from http://www.webmd.com/balance/how-worrying-affects-your-body Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Having a Nervous Breakthrough
Although it is not a clinical term that medical professionals use, most laypeople understand what is meant when we speak of having "a nervous breakdown." We use that expression to describe the state of a person who is so severely and persistently distraught that he or she is unable to function normally. Put very simply, it could be defined as one type of "system overload."
Whenever systems are overloaded, problems develop and symptoms of the excess burden present themselves. The car overheats, the electric power has a brown-out, the water pipe starts to leak, the computer "freezes." Or in the case of our bodies, very strong psychological experience(s) may overwhelm the circuitry of mind, emotions, spirit, and will. Then the individual is unable to cope effectively, at least temporarily, with life.
Sometimes people feel depressed or burned-out or restless. They can't sleep or they sleep too much, can't eat or eat too much. They can't concentrate, can't make decisions. They cry all the time. When I hear someone relate these symptoms, I am reminded of David. If you read the Psalms as a personal journal, you will find that he had some extreme lows, full of despair. But if you read on, you see that these times were followed by confident assertions about God's mercy and exultant praise for His goodness.
The expression isn't new, but I ran across it the other day for the first time: "Having a nervous breakthrough." It too describes a state of our being, having little or nothing to do with the nervous system, just as nervous breakdown has little or none. It is the return to healthy working of the systems, enabling the user (one of us) to resume living our ordinary life. The "breakdown" did not happen overnight, nor is the "breakthrough" apt to occur suddenly. Often it takes some time; it may require some help. The car may need a mechanic's hand; you may have to call a plumber about the leak. The internal "break" may call for a counselor, or a visit to a medical professional, or just getting out of a bruising routine for some real rest.
Just because these two terms—breakdown and breakthrough—are not medical terms does not mean they aren't real. Their presence signals the need for some attention, just as do the overheated car and the leaking water pipe.
Marjorie
Whenever systems are overloaded, problems develop and symptoms of the excess burden present themselves. The car overheats, the electric power has a brown-out, the water pipe starts to leak, the computer "freezes." Or in the case of our bodies, very strong psychological experience(s) may overwhelm the circuitry of mind, emotions, spirit, and will. Then the individual is unable to cope effectively, at least temporarily, with life.
Sometimes people feel depressed or burned-out or restless. They can't sleep or they sleep too much, can't eat or eat too much. They can't concentrate, can't make decisions. They cry all the time. When I hear someone relate these symptoms, I am reminded of David. If you read the Psalms as a personal journal, you will find that he had some extreme lows, full of despair. But if you read on, you see that these times were followed by confident assertions about God's mercy and exultant praise for His goodness.
The expression isn't new, but I ran across it the other day for the first time: "Having a nervous breakthrough." It too describes a state of our being, having little or nothing to do with the nervous system, just as nervous breakdown has little or none. It is the return to healthy working of the systems, enabling the user (one of us) to resume living our ordinary life. The "breakdown" did not happen overnight, nor is the "breakthrough" apt to occur suddenly. Often it takes some time; it may require some help. The car may need a mechanic's hand; you may have to call a plumber about the leak. The internal "break" may call for a counselor, or a visit to a medical professional, or just getting out of a bruising routine for some real rest.
Just because these two terms—breakdown and breakthrough—are not medical terms does not mean they aren't real. Their presence signals the need for some attention, just as do the overheated car and the leaking water pipe.
Marjorie
Monday, January 4, 2010
Acting As If
The Rev. Samuel M. Shoemaker gets credit for originating the "Act As If" practice that is popular in Alcoholics Anonymous and other Twelve Step programs. The principles of those steps grew out of the Oxford Group based at Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City where Shoemaker was Rector of the Church and spiritual leader of the Oxford Group. It is he who provided the early inspiration for the spiritual aspects of twelve-step programs, and began using the phrase, "act as if" about 1954. Some naysayers insist that "acting as if" is deceiving oneself, putting on a front for others, or even lying!
I think, however, it comes down to the matter of motive. If we are trying to convince ourselves that we are a superior being, yes, that is deception. If we intend to trick others into believing that we are something that we are not, yes, that is lying. However, affirming what we believe and hope for and beginning to act on it strengthens our belief and hope.
Acting as if does not mean writing checks as if I have money in the bank when I do not.
Acting as if does not mean feigning calm as if I cannot feel hurt or disappointment or anger. Acting as if does not mean working day and night as if I need no rest or self-care.
Acting as if is facing reality and responding appropriately.
Acting as if is intentional in cultivating healthy relationships.
Acting as if is assertive (neither passive nor aggressive) personal behavior.
Acting as if means beginning now to take the action or speak the words I would if I were already the person I want to become!
How would you act if you were not shy, or ashamed, or afraid? Act as if you are not.
How would a self-confident, interesting person act? How would a person act who respected others and herself/himself? Start acting that way.
How would a woman act who believed God valued her and had Divine purpose for her life? Act like her.
Acting as if is decisive. Acting as if involves action based on more than feeling. Acting as if purposes to align us with what is true.
Marjorie
I think, however, it comes down to the matter of motive. If we are trying to convince ourselves that we are a superior being, yes, that is deception. If we intend to trick others into believing that we are something that we are not, yes, that is lying. However, affirming what we believe and hope for and beginning to act on it strengthens our belief and hope.
Acting as if does not mean writing checks as if I have money in the bank when I do not.
Acting as if does not mean feigning calm as if I cannot feel hurt or disappointment or anger. Acting as if does not mean working day and night as if I need no rest or self-care.
Acting as if is facing reality and responding appropriately.
Acting as if is intentional in cultivating healthy relationships.
Acting as if is assertive (neither passive nor aggressive) personal behavior.
Acting as if means beginning now to take the action or speak the words I would if I were already the person I want to become!
How would you act if you were not shy, or ashamed, or afraid? Act as if you are not.
How would a self-confident, interesting person act? How would a person act who respected others and herself/himself? Start acting that way.
How would a woman act who believed God valued her and had Divine purpose for her life? Act like her.
Acting as if is decisive. Acting as if involves action based on more than feeling. Acting as if purposes to align us with what is true.
Marjorie
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Follow the Gleam
Several days ago, a few chance words brought to my mind an old song that I learned in my teen years. It has inspirational words and eminently singable harmonies. We sang it quite earnestly in a high school activity period where girls could join a Y-Teen club affiliated with the YWCA. So, as such things go, I have been humming it over and over—and over and over again!—since then.
The first verse of "Follow the Gleam" speaks of knights and visions and searching for the Holy Grail. (No vampires and paranormal romance for us!) But I especially like the second verse:
Not every light that I've encountered along my life's road has been clear and unmistakable. Some lights have been dim, often barely discernible, but because their small rays were so persistent, I could not ignore them. It took me a long time to find the right, satisfying career—I had to follow a gleam. I've made some sad mistakes while searching for the meaning of real love and genuine selfhood—but I've followed the gleam. I spent many years trying to make sense of my spiritual heritage—I am still following the gleam.
Too often, we mistakenly suppose that we will at some point late in life have the answers to "life's persistent questions." Not so. Most likely, answers to the most crucial questions will come at first as a faint understanding, a glimmer of light. Don't be discouraged. Follow it. "The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day." (Proverbs 4:18)
Marjorie
Scripture quotation from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
The first verse of "Follow the Gleam" speaks of knights and visions and searching for the Holy Grail. (No vampires and paranormal romance for us!) But I especially like the second verse:
And we who would serve the King,
And loyally Him obey,
In the consecrate silence know,
That the challenge still holds today.
Follow, follow, follow the gleam,
Standards of worth, o'er all the earth,
Follow, follow, follow the gleam,
Of the light that shall bring the dawn
~Helen Hill Miller, 1920
Not every light that I've encountered along my life's road has been clear and unmistakable. Some lights have been dim, often barely discernible, but because their small rays were so persistent, I could not ignore them. It took me a long time to find the right, satisfying career—I had to follow a gleam. I've made some sad mistakes while searching for the meaning of real love and genuine selfhood—but I've followed the gleam. I spent many years trying to make sense of my spiritual heritage—I am still following the gleam.
Too often, we mistakenly suppose that we will at some point late in life have the answers to "life's persistent questions." Not so. Most likely, answers to the most crucial questions will come at first as a faint understanding, a glimmer of light. Don't be discouraged. Follow it. "The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day." (Proverbs 4:18)
Marjorie
Scripture quotation from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
After You Say "I Can't"
Every once in awhile, I remind the class of adults that I teach on Sunday morning, that our time together is like a cafeteria. They can help themselves to whatever is good for them and leave the rest, but not to spit on something they don't like, because someone else will want it! I feel that way today as I write this post. Some readers will find it not applicable or perhaps even objectionable, but it is part of my job to "serve" it!
There are plenty of books, videos, and studies on after you say "I do," that is, take marriage vows. Some of these are from a specifically Christian viewpoint; others are written by secular counselors and others who just want to see marriages work.
What to Do After You Say I Do by Yvette Gavin
What to Do After You Say "I Do" by Marcus and Lori Goldman
Before and After You Say "I Do" by Perimeter Church and Randy Pope
After You Say I Do by Wes Roberts
Before (and After) We Say "I Do" by Nomi Whalen
After You Say "I Do" by H. Norman Wright
No one, as far as I can tell, has written a book on "After You Say I Can't." Yet there are many women—committed Christian women too—who are caught in situations that are not merely unhappy but also jeopardous to their wellbeing. They may have to say "I can't"—not because they are tired or disappointed or angry but because they should not continue as they are. Last winter, our church had several weeks of special concentration on prayer for congregational needs. Well over two hundred specific but anonymous requests were "nailed" to a huge wooden cross in front of the altar. Just short of ten percent of these were for troubled or broken marriages or for someone in or recovering from an abusive relationship.
I am not sure this is only a recent phenomenon. All through the years of my early Christian formation, I attended prayer meetings where people gave "unspoken requests." I thought at the time that a woman just didn't want to let everyone know that she had a painful ovarian cyst or that her hair was falling out. Now I understand that she may have been saying, "My husband is drinking too much" or "He slaps me sometimes."
I cannot agree with the idea of a covenant (a marriage) that must be kept regardless of what the other party does. Even God made conditions when He established a covenant relationship with His ancient followers. "If you listen to these regulations [the law given through Moses] and faithfully obey them, the Lord your God will keep his covenant of unfailing love with you, as he promised with an oath to your ancestors." (Deuteronomy 7:12 NLT) God said "If . . ." and some of the people eliminated themselves from the covenant. God does not look lightly on those who bash His plans. "And if I announce that I will plant and build up a certain nation or kingdom, but then that nation turns to evil and refuses to obey me, I will not bless it as I said I would." (Jeremiah 18:10, 11 NLT)
The new covenant in Christ has the same implications of faithful commitment. "But Jesus' priestly work far surpasses what these other priests do, since he's working from a far better plan. If the first plan—the old covenant—had worked out, a second wouldn't have been needed. But we know the first was found wanting, because God said, Heads up! The days are coming when I'll set up a new plan for dealing with Israel and Judah. I'll throw out the old plan I set up with their ancestors when I led them by the hand out of Egypt. They didn't keep their part of the bargain, so I looked away and let it go. This new plan I'm making with Israel isn't going to be written on paper, isn't going to be chiseled in stone; this time I'm writing out the plan in them, carving it on the lining of their hearts. I'll be their God, they'll be my people . . . They'll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean. By coming up with a new plan, a new covenant between God and his people, God put the old plan on the shelf. And there it stays, gathering dust." (Hebrews 8:6-13 MSG) And still, people every day are eliminating themselves from New Covenant blessings by simply choosing not to participate in it. Covenants have conditions.
What about the "sacred vows" we make? When weddings began, back in early Jewish history, they did not contain vows as we think of them today. The wedding contract was read or recited and that constituted the couple's promises to one another. Even before that, men just "took" wives; when they claimed young virgins, the fact was established. The vows with "love, cherish, and obey" (for the bride only!) date back to the 1500s, beginning with the Book of Common Prayer used by the Anglican Church. After nearly four hundred years, the Episcopal Church removed the word "obey" from the bride's part of the vows. "Obey" was often misunderstood anyway; it has no connection with one partner being subservient to the other. Coming from the Latin root word "audire," it means to listen and hear, and is related to our word "audience." The vows as we know them are simply tradition; there is no legal or Biblical requirement that they actually be exchanged in a wedding ceremony. We imply a mutual bond of trust—and wouldn't that include listening deeply?
So let's consider the ideal that many people hold: marriage is a covenant that cannot be broken. Certainly that is the ideal, but realistically we recognize that not everyone attains it. The divorce rate in the general population continues to hover around fifty percent; the rate in the Church is about the same. Many churches define narrowly the acceptable (and Scriptural, they say) reasons for divorce: sexual sin outside the marriage, and the desertion of a believing spouse by an unbelieving partner. Some would also include abandonment (literal or in spirit) by a partner living in such a state of unrepentant sin as cause him/her to be viewed as an unbeliever in the eyes of the Lord and the Church.
But "God hates divorce!" is the argument from the Scripture itself. Indeed He does, but we have usually failed to read the rest of the passage. "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel, 'and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,' says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith." (Malachi 2:15, 16 NIV)
Divorce is, of course, not the only option. "Genny's Story," which I shared earlier, addresses the issue. You can read that [here]. Don't say "I can't" too soon if your partner has indeed broken faith. You may very well want to know at some later point, if/when self-doubt arises, that you did everything you could. Feelings change, but what you have done does not. You'll be able to assure yourself, regardless of how you feel at that later time, that you did the best you could in this crisis of decision. Don't say "I can't" too soon, but when it must be said, say it.
Marjorie
Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotation marked NIV is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
There are plenty of books, videos, and studies on after you say "I do," that is, take marriage vows. Some of these are from a specifically Christian viewpoint; others are written by secular counselors and others who just want to see marriages work.
What to Do After You Say I Do by Yvette Gavin
What to Do After You Say "I Do" by Marcus and Lori Goldman
Before and After You Say "I Do" by Perimeter Church and Randy Pope
After You Say I Do by Wes Roberts
Before (and After) We Say "I Do" by Nomi Whalen
After You Say "I Do" by H. Norman Wright
No one, as far as I can tell, has written a book on "After You Say I Can't." Yet there are many women—committed Christian women too—who are caught in situations that are not merely unhappy but also jeopardous to their wellbeing. They may have to say "I can't"—not because they are tired or disappointed or angry but because they should not continue as they are. Last winter, our church had several weeks of special concentration on prayer for congregational needs. Well over two hundred specific but anonymous requests were "nailed" to a huge wooden cross in front of the altar. Just short of ten percent of these were for troubled or broken marriages or for someone in or recovering from an abusive relationship.
I am not sure this is only a recent phenomenon. All through the years of my early Christian formation, I attended prayer meetings where people gave "unspoken requests." I thought at the time that a woman just didn't want to let everyone know that she had a painful ovarian cyst or that her hair was falling out. Now I understand that she may have been saying, "My husband is drinking too much" or "He slaps me sometimes."
I cannot agree with the idea of a covenant (a marriage) that must be kept regardless of what the other party does. Even God made conditions when He established a covenant relationship with His ancient followers. "If you listen to these regulations [the law given through Moses] and faithfully obey them, the Lord your God will keep his covenant of unfailing love with you, as he promised with an oath to your ancestors." (Deuteronomy 7:12 NLT) God said "If . . ." and some of the people eliminated themselves from the covenant. God does not look lightly on those who bash His plans. "And if I announce that I will plant and build up a certain nation or kingdom, but then that nation turns to evil and refuses to obey me, I will not bless it as I said I would." (Jeremiah 18:10, 11 NLT)
The new covenant in Christ has the same implications of faithful commitment. "But Jesus' priestly work far surpasses what these other priests do, since he's working from a far better plan. If the first plan—the old covenant—had worked out, a second wouldn't have been needed. But we know the first was found wanting, because God said, Heads up! The days are coming when I'll set up a new plan for dealing with Israel and Judah. I'll throw out the old plan I set up with their ancestors when I led them by the hand out of Egypt. They didn't keep their part of the bargain, so I looked away and let it go. This new plan I'm making with Israel isn't going to be written on paper, isn't going to be chiseled in stone; this time I'm writing out the plan in them, carving it on the lining of their hearts. I'll be their God, they'll be my people . . . They'll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean. By coming up with a new plan, a new covenant between God and his people, God put the old plan on the shelf. And there it stays, gathering dust." (Hebrews 8:6-13 MSG) And still, people every day are eliminating themselves from New Covenant blessings by simply choosing not to participate in it. Covenants have conditions.
What about the "sacred vows" we make? When weddings began, back in early Jewish history, they did not contain vows as we think of them today. The wedding contract was read or recited and that constituted the couple's promises to one another. Even before that, men just "took" wives; when they claimed young virgins, the fact was established. The vows with "love, cherish, and obey" (for the bride only!) date back to the 1500s, beginning with the Book of Common Prayer used by the Anglican Church. After nearly four hundred years, the Episcopal Church removed the word "obey" from the bride's part of the vows. "Obey" was often misunderstood anyway; it has no connection with one partner being subservient to the other. Coming from the Latin root word "audire," it means to listen and hear, and is related to our word "audience." The vows as we know them are simply tradition; there is no legal or Biblical requirement that they actually be exchanged in a wedding ceremony. We imply a mutual bond of trust—and wouldn't that include listening deeply?
So let's consider the ideal that many people hold: marriage is a covenant that cannot be broken. Certainly that is the ideal, but realistically we recognize that not everyone attains it. The divorce rate in the general population continues to hover around fifty percent; the rate in the Church is about the same. Many churches define narrowly the acceptable (and Scriptural, they say) reasons for divorce: sexual sin outside the marriage, and the desertion of a believing spouse by an unbelieving partner. Some would also include abandonment (literal or in spirit) by a partner living in such a state of unrepentant sin as cause him/her to be viewed as an unbeliever in the eyes of the Lord and the Church.
But "God hates divorce!" is the argument from the Scripture itself. Indeed He does, but we have usually failed to read the rest of the passage. "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel, 'and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,' says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith." (Malachi 2:15, 16 NIV)
Divorce is, of course, not the only option. "Genny's Story," which I shared earlier, addresses the issue. You can read that [here]. Don't say "I can't" too soon if your partner has indeed broken faith. You may very well want to know at some later point, if/when self-doubt arises, that you did everything you could. Feelings change, but what you have done does not. You'll be able to assure yourself, regardless of how you feel at that later time, that you did the best you could in this crisis of decision. Don't say "I can't" too soon, but when it must be said, say it.
Marjorie
Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotation marked NIV is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Making People Happy
For a lot of years, I assumed I had the responsibility for making the people around me happy. Now I still think I'm obliged to seek their good, but I no longer believe that other folks' happiness rests on my shoulders.
Happiness is a very personal thing, and it comes from within more than from the outside. Some people are just always going to be unhappy, and nothing that you or I do is going to change that. They are expecting their circumstances and the people around them to furnish them with the good feelings they like to have. There are, of course, many external things that are pleasant and enjoyable, but those who are truly happy have discovered a better and more lasting source. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," and long before Lincoln's time, Aristotle (384-322 BC) declared "Happiness depends upon ourselves."
It is easy for women, especially those who are naturally inclined toward compassion and nurturing, to fall into a "care-taking" role for everybody. There will always be needy people around them who seem to have a special instinct for homing in on someone who will think for them, decide for them, and fill their emotional needs. The line of action for these dependent friends is making us feel that no one else can do for them what we can, that we are their greatest source of kindness, that we are the only person they know who's acting like a Christian, that they have no one else on whom they can count.
We may respond easily to this approach, because we do want to be kind, loving, and generous. We do want to be thoroughly Christian in our attitudes and actions. It makes us feel good if this needy one singles us out as this kind of champion. However, our motives have then become clouded with self-interest, and we cannot see as clearly as we might. Do you suppose there is some reason they have no other friends? In all likelihood, they have worn them out. If we allow it and unknowingly encourage it, they will do the very same to us.
How can we refuse when a friend, relative or even our own adult child asks pathetically, "But why won't you do this for me? . . . stay here with me? . . . drive me there? . . . let me borrow? . . . "We can say "You know, I just can't give you any more help with that than I have already given you. Why don't you call a . . . lawyer, counselor, banker, service-provider?" Even with youngsters who whine, "But why not?" we are not accountable for providing endless entertainment, infinite amounts of money, and privileges that are continually unaccompanied by any personal responsibility on their part. We may say, "I believe it wouldn't be good for you if I did that for you. Maybe you can try . . . "
Although we may think we will just go ahead and make the personal sacrifices regardless, what is likely to happen is that we will become weary of being used. We will begin to resent the demands and then feeling guilty about that, we mercilessly punish ourselves for our lack of charity. We may be angry at the person for the problem they have become to us, or we may be angry at ourselves for allowing them to continue. What we should have handled in firm but loving action has been turned in on ourselves. Read "Acting In" (here)
Re-think your relationships if everyone has chosen you, and your friends are not ones you have chosen—or would choose, if you had it to do over. Although we want to encourage rich and rewarding relationships, no one's happiness depends on you.
Marjorie
Happiness is a very personal thing, and it comes from within more than from the outside. Some people are just always going to be unhappy, and nothing that you or I do is going to change that. They are expecting their circumstances and the people around them to furnish them with the good feelings they like to have. There are, of course, many external things that are pleasant and enjoyable, but those who are truly happy have discovered a better and more lasting source. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," and long before Lincoln's time, Aristotle (384-322 BC) declared "Happiness depends upon ourselves."
It is easy for women, especially those who are naturally inclined toward compassion and nurturing, to fall into a "care-taking" role for everybody. There will always be needy people around them who seem to have a special instinct for homing in on someone who will think for them, decide for them, and fill their emotional needs. The line of action for these dependent friends is making us feel that no one else can do for them what we can, that we are their greatest source of kindness, that we are the only person they know who's acting like a Christian, that they have no one else on whom they can count.
We may respond easily to this approach, because we do want to be kind, loving, and generous. We do want to be thoroughly Christian in our attitudes and actions. It makes us feel good if this needy one singles us out as this kind of champion. However, our motives have then become clouded with self-interest, and we cannot see as clearly as we might. Do you suppose there is some reason they have no other friends? In all likelihood, they have worn them out. If we allow it and unknowingly encourage it, they will do the very same to us.
How can we refuse when a friend, relative or even our own adult child asks pathetically, "But why won't you do this for me? . . . stay here with me? . . . drive me there? . . . let me borrow? . . . "We can say "You know, I just can't give you any more help with that than I have already given you. Why don't you call a . . . lawyer, counselor, banker, service-provider?" Even with youngsters who whine, "But why not?" we are not accountable for providing endless entertainment, infinite amounts of money, and privileges that are continually unaccompanied by any personal responsibility on their part. We may say, "I believe it wouldn't be good for you if I did that for you. Maybe you can try . . . "
Although we may think we will just go ahead and make the personal sacrifices regardless, what is likely to happen is that we will become weary of being used. We will begin to resent the demands and then feeling guilty about that, we mercilessly punish ourselves for our lack of charity. We may be angry at the person for the problem they have become to us, or we may be angry at ourselves for allowing them to continue. What we should have handled in firm but loving action has been turned in on ourselves. Read "Acting In" (here)
Re-think your relationships if everyone has chosen you, and your friends are not ones you have chosen—or would choose, if you had it to do over. Although we want to encourage rich and rewarding relationships, no one's happiness depends on you.
Marjorie
Friday, October 16, 2009
Acting In
Distressed individuals—adults as well as children—are sometimes said to be "acting out" when their internal conflict or painful emotions are expressed in outward behavior that is unhealthy and defensive. Their actions may even be destructive or dangerous to themselves and others. At the very least, they are irritating, but correcting the situation is not always as simple as just suggesting or demanding that the behavior stop. Most often, the impulses are not conscious
Acting out may be expressed as anger: hurting someone (or an animal), breaking things, creating a scene, taking aggressive actions like road-rage incidents, using abusive language, blaming, and seeking a way to "get even." It may also take the form of fear: helplessness, over-dependence, anxiety.
"Acting in" has the same basis. It is hard for many women to acknowledge anger and deal with it. For those of us brought up more than a generation ago, it was verboten (forbidden) just because it was unsuitable for women—especially Christian women—to "get mad." Fear was not acceptable either and "nervous" women were scorned.
But these emotions have to go somewhere. If release is not permitted in healthy outward ways—more about that later—they will get stored internally. Anger or fear turned inward on oneself can do all kinds of damage including:
- Obsessive thinking about the painful situation
- Trouble eating or sleeping
- Overeating or sleeping too much
- Depression
- Irritability, crying
- Physical illness
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering
- Inability to function
There is no one sure-fire way of dealing with the strong feelings of rage or anxiety that accompany deep conflict, but many people find that it is helpful to let the body express that emotion. One may write a letter—to be mailed or not—to the person responsible for her hurt. Or she can personalize her emotion and write a letter or speak to an empty chair what she is feeling. ("Well, Betrayal or Grief or Disaster, you found me didn't you?") You can hit a tennis ball or pound a pillow. You can express yourself in music or art. We have to find some way to calm the impulse we have to lash out at anyone or anything, or to create as much havoc as possible, or to beat up on ourselves. And don't forget, you can without embarrassment seek the help of a mental-health professional, and your medical doctor as well if things are completely out of balance.
Make a conscious effort to bring your thoughts to the positive present: "I can manage, and I will." The more that anger and fear can be expressed in structured ways, the less there will be left for acting out. Or acting in.
Marjorie
Acting out may be expressed as anger: hurting someone (or an animal), breaking things, creating a scene, taking aggressive actions like road-rage incidents, using abusive language, blaming, and seeking a way to "get even." It may also take the form of fear: helplessness, over-dependence, anxiety.
"Acting in" has the same basis. It is hard for many women to acknowledge anger and deal with it. For those of us brought up more than a generation ago, it was verboten (forbidden) just because it was unsuitable for women—especially Christian women—to "get mad." Fear was not acceptable either and "nervous" women were scorned.
But these emotions have to go somewhere. If release is not permitted in healthy outward ways—more about that later—they will get stored internally. Anger or fear turned inward on oneself can do all kinds of damage including:
- Obsessive thinking about the painful situation
- Trouble eating or sleeping
- Overeating or sleeping too much
- Depression
- Irritability, crying
- Physical illness
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering
- Inability to function
There is no one sure-fire way of dealing with the strong feelings of rage or anxiety that accompany deep conflict, but many people find that it is helpful to let the body express that emotion. One may write a letter—to be mailed or not—to the person responsible for her hurt. Or she can personalize her emotion and write a letter or speak to an empty chair what she is feeling. ("Well, Betrayal or Grief or Disaster, you found me didn't you?") You can hit a tennis ball or pound a pillow. You can express yourself in music or art. We have to find some way to calm the impulse we have to lash out at anyone or anything, or to create as much havoc as possible, or to beat up on ourselves. And don't forget, you can without embarrassment seek the help of a mental-health professional, and your medical doctor as well if things are completely out of balance.
Make a conscious effort to bring your thoughts to the positive present: "I can manage, and I will." The more that anger and fear can be expressed in structured ways, the less there will be left for acting out. Or acting in.
Marjorie
Friday, October 9, 2009
"To Thine Own Self Be True"
This entry was first published on my Finding the Faith Way site under the same title. Because it deals mostly with the concerns of women rather than those of a general reading audience, it is perhaps more suitably placed here. You will perhaps recognize the Shakespeare quote which I used recently, with a somewhat different emphasis given here.
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
Although Jesus Himself did not say this—it was one of Shakespeare’s characters in Hamlet—it lines up with the way Jesus lived. He knew who He was and why He was here. Again and again, the Gospel accounts tell us, Jesus said or did things in order that the prophecies concerning Him would be fulfilled. He was true to Himself and to His calling. He desires the same for us. The Apostle Paul wrote, “I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.” (Ephesians 1:16b-18)
I often see people who are not true to themselves. They are only a copy of someone else, or they are the person they think others want them to be. We might expect this in children who are only now forming who they are, but mature men and women need to have a developed sense of who they are, especially who they are in Christ. Because of the foolishness of a few, we have made a joke of people trying to “find themselves,” and thus have caused others to avoid forming their own goals and opinions and discovering their personal strengths and weaknesses. We have not given them the freedom to be authentic persons.
There is no place I see this more clearly than in the lives of a few married women I know. A recently-wed young woman told me not long ago, “Being married is not what makes us whole, but it does help us become more.” I agree; that is what most women would want and expect, but instead of being enhanced by their relationship, too many find themselves diminished, made less by the man who has gained them as a personal acquisition. We most often use the term “trophy wife” to describe the younger, probably beautiful woman who is the second or even third wife of a wealthy and probably powerful middle-aged man. She is something of a “reward” for his business savvy or whatever else has brought him to the self-assured position of “deserving the finest” of everything.
To my consternation, I have seen and heard of a few Christian trophy wives too, even though they may be the first and only spouse. The men who married them did not do so for the purpose of making both their lives richer and enabling them to better serve the Kingdom. They married because it was to their personal advantage: “This woman will serve my needs; she loves me and will make my life happier.” “This woman makes me feel important; she will enhance my position or better my image as a Christian man.” (Somewhat like the marketing “halo effect” where the excellence of one product increases positive response to another in the same line. He withdraws his support of her personal endeavors if she gets too far ahead of him.) Is this a conscious ploy? I wish I knew. I only know that sometimes I see it in operation.
Sometimes this robbery of a woman’s personhood is given a cloak of righteousness with Scriptures that speak of women being under male authority—fathers, husbands, brothers, spiritual leaders. That is clearly a travesty of the Biblical intent that we all live with love and respect toward each other. I know a woman who years ago removed herself from an abusive situation at enormous emotional cost personally. In spite of great, skillfully applied pressure to be “submissive” to what was dictated, she knew positively within herself, “This is not right. God doesn’t want me to live this way.” She didn’t know but that she might be risking the wrath of God and gambling on heaven; certainly she was risking the wrath of man. But God honored her search for what was true. Because she dared to find that for herself, He has since used her to bring help and hope to many other women who are trying to reclaim their own selves.
“To thine own self be true.” If not true to yourself, to the person God intends you to be, how can you help but be false to every other person?
Marjorie
Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
Although Jesus Himself did not say this—it was one of Shakespeare’s characters in Hamlet—it lines up with the way Jesus lived. He knew who He was and why He was here. Again and again, the Gospel accounts tell us, Jesus said or did things in order that the prophecies concerning Him would be fulfilled. He was true to Himself and to His calling. He desires the same for us. The Apostle Paul wrote, “I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.” (Ephesians 1:16b-18)
I often see people who are not true to themselves. They are only a copy of someone else, or they are the person they think others want them to be. We might expect this in children who are only now forming who they are, but mature men and women need to have a developed sense of who they are, especially who they are in Christ. Because of the foolishness of a few, we have made a joke of people trying to “find themselves,” and thus have caused others to avoid forming their own goals and opinions and discovering their personal strengths and weaknesses. We have not given them the freedom to be authentic persons.
There is no place I see this more clearly than in the lives of a few married women I know. A recently-wed young woman told me not long ago, “Being married is not what makes us whole, but it does help us become more.” I agree; that is what most women would want and expect, but instead of being enhanced by their relationship, too many find themselves diminished, made less by the man who has gained them as a personal acquisition. We most often use the term “trophy wife” to describe the younger, probably beautiful woman who is the second or even third wife of a wealthy and probably powerful middle-aged man. She is something of a “reward” for his business savvy or whatever else has brought him to the self-assured position of “deserving the finest” of everything.
To my consternation, I have seen and heard of a few Christian trophy wives too, even though they may be the first and only spouse. The men who married them did not do so for the purpose of making both their lives richer and enabling them to better serve the Kingdom. They married because it was to their personal advantage: “This woman will serve my needs; she loves me and will make my life happier.” “This woman makes me feel important; she will enhance my position or better my image as a Christian man.” (Somewhat like the marketing “halo effect” where the excellence of one product increases positive response to another in the same line. He withdraws his support of her personal endeavors if she gets too far ahead of him.) Is this a conscious ploy? I wish I knew. I only know that sometimes I see it in operation.
Sometimes this robbery of a woman’s personhood is given a cloak of righteousness with Scriptures that speak of women being under male authority—fathers, husbands, brothers, spiritual leaders. That is clearly a travesty of the Biblical intent that we all live with love and respect toward each other. I know a woman who years ago removed herself from an abusive situation at enormous emotional cost personally. In spite of great, skillfully applied pressure to be “submissive” to what was dictated, she knew positively within herself, “This is not right. God doesn’t want me to live this way.” She didn’t know but that she might be risking the wrath of God and gambling on heaven; certainly she was risking the wrath of man. But God honored her search for what was true. Because she dared to find that for herself, He has since used her to bring help and hope to many other women who are trying to reclaim their own selves.
“To thine own self be true.” If not true to yourself, to the person God intends you to be, how can you help but be false to every other person?
Marjorie
Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Vigilance
"Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." This is one of those quotes that "everybody" knows was said by . . . whomever. It has been attributed to Thomas Jefferson, abolitionist Wendell Phillips, Thomas Paine, Abraham Lincoln, and General of the Army George Marshall. And it could well be that each of these great men publicly declared the same truth: freedom can be damaged or even lost by ignoring it.
Everyday life around us illustrates this. You know the scene: A young woman enthusiastically embarks upon a regimen of workouts at the gym, perhaps even with a personal trainer. She looks good, and she feels better than she has in years. She tells her friends, maybe somewhat smugly, what a great thing this has been—her life is changed. But her allergies start bothering her, or her hours change at work, or the high school football season starts or whatever, and before you know it, she is missing a few days, and then longer periods at a time, and after awhile she drops her gym membership. She quit paying attention to her goals. There may be very good reasons, but the fact remains that she was not vigilant about her gains.
Or a woman decides to lose weight—maybe quite a lot of it. She may sign up for a program or undertake one of her own. She sticks to the plan faithfully for months, and eventually she is rewarded with a trim body, the new clothes she had to buy, the admiration of her acquaintances, and renewed health and vigor. But after she is through "dieting," and it is okay to eat what she wants again (she supposes), the pounds begin to creep back on. Having reached an important goal, she failed to pay the price of maintaining it.
Many alcoholics continue to attend AA meetings long after they have sobered up—years and years, sometimes, because those men and women know that "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." Some people question that position, thinking that one should not continue to believe that he/she is still an alcoholic—especially if a genuine relationship with God has been established. That may be true for some, but others find there is still an inner proclivity toward their "drug of choice." (I use that term because alcohol is just one among a number of addictions.)
We must not fail to recognize that the connection between vigilance and liberty is true in more than the physical part of our lives. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Galatia, "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." (Galatians 5:1) Spiritual gains have to be guarded and maintained too. Times of inspiration and challenge make us feel confident and energized. It comes as a surprise to us, sometimes, when we find that only conscious attention and effort enable us to keep the new freedom.
Some of us have had self-defeating emotional habits to overcome: a sense of unworthiness, unwarranted introspection, lack of assertion, overprotection, denial, or misplaced trust. Or on the other hand: pride, anger, deceit, control, blame, self-indulgence, or self-pity. Either thinking too little or too much of ourselves was destructive in the past. Having made progress, by the grace of God, in one of these dysfunctional areas, it is so easy to say, "Whew! I'm glad that battle is over." We are right to be encouraged and grateful for the healthy changes we can see, but no, it is not over. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty."
Stand fast!
Marjorie
Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Everyday life around us illustrates this. You know the scene: A young woman enthusiastically embarks upon a regimen of workouts at the gym, perhaps even with a personal trainer. She looks good, and she feels better than she has in years. She tells her friends, maybe somewhat smugly, what a great thing this has been—her life is changed. But her allergies start bothering her, or her hours change at work, or the high school football season starts or whatever, and before you know it, she is missing a few days, and then longer periods at a time, and after awhile she drops her gym membership. She quit paying attention to her goals. There may be very good reasons, but the fact remains that she was not vigilant about her gains.
Or a woman decides to lose weight—maybe quite a lot of it. She may sign up for a program or undertake one of her own. She sticks to the plan faithfully for months, and eventually she is rewarded with a trim body, the new clothes she had to buy, the admiration of her acquaintances, and renewed health and vigor. But after she is through "dieting," and it is okay to eat what she wants again (she supposes), the pounds begin to creep back on. Having reached an important goal, she failed to pay the price of maintaining it.
Many alcoholics continue to attend AA meetings long after they have sobered up—years and years, sometimes, because those men and women know that "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." Some people question that position, thinking that one should not continue to believe that he/she is still an alcoholic—especially if a genuine relationship with God has been established. That may be true for some, but others find there is still an inner proclivity toward their "drug of choice." (I use that term because alcohol is just one among a number of addictions.)
We must not fail to recognize that the connection between vigilance and liberty is true in more than the physical part of our lives. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Galatia, "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." (Galatians 5:1) Spiritual gains have to be guarded and maintained too. Times of inspiration and challenge make us feel confident and energized. It comes as a surprise to us, sometimes, when we find that only conscious attention and effort enable us to keep the new freedom.
Some of us have had self-defeating emotional habits to overcome: a sense of unworthiness, unwarranted introspection, lack of assertion, overprotection, denial, or misplaced trust. Or on the other hand: pride, anger, deceit, control, blame, self-indulgence, or self-pity. Either thinking too little or too much of ourselves was destructive in the past. Having made progress, by the grace of God, in one of these dysfunctional areas, it is so easy to say, "Whew! I'm glad that battle is over." We are right to be encouraged and grateful for the healthy changes we can see, but no, it is not over. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty."
Stand fast!
Marjorie
Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Honest Relationships
Along the line of the previous entry, "Boundaries," I am sharing today some of the thoughts first posted on October 6, 2008, on my Finding the Faith Way site with the title, "Things Mama Taught Me: Tell the Truth."
I grew up valuing honesty, telling the truth, because that was the example lived before me in my home and in the community where we lived. There is one person, however, with whom I have found it especially difficult to face the truth.
Me.
Sometimes I haven’t recognized the truth, even though it was right there. Through many years of my adult life, and without realizing it, I surrounded myself with people who used me. Organizations that deceived and cheated, that took serious advantage of me financially (in the name of God). Strong leaders who used the subtle power of approval to build a personal following, who controlled my time and my job and my money and my friendships, who ordered my life with should’s and must’s while they covered their own private wrongdoing (in the name of God). “Friends,” a lot of them, who were only takers because I was so ready to give, who laid unfair claims on me by their unending neediness (in the name of God). Because I was absolutely sincere in my intentions, no one shook me and said “Wake up, girl!” But the time came when the pressure became too great and could no longer be contained neatly. A family member intervened. “This is abuse,” she said, and my façade began to crack.
Over a number of months after that, I began to realize that not only was the present situation abusive, but also that I had permitted, again and again, unreasonable and unhealthy demands to be made on my life. I discovered that Christian women—mothers, wives, friends, employees, members of a faith community—can and must establish boundaries to protect themselves from destructive relationships.
It may be hard for some people to reconcile the teachings of Jesus about love and forgiveness and self-sacrifice with the necessity to preserve one’s health and sanity. I know how difficult that can be; I found it so difficult that I missed making the connection for most of my adult life. Our Lord never intended for loving God and loving others to exclude self-care. He told His followers that the two greatest commandments were to love God with all one’s heart and mind and strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself. It is very hard, maybe impossible, to love and care for others appropriately unless we have a proper respect for ourselves.
Jesus Himself did not minister non-stop to needy people. One time He told all His disciples to come with Him to a quiet place to take a break; they hadn’t even had time for lunch. People were constantly coming and going—people with genuine needs, people who apparently thought Jesus and the disciples should be meeting those needs. (Seeing Jesus’ crew leaving in a boat, the people hurried on foot from the surrounding villages, and beat them to their remote resting spot—but that’s another story.) And once, the Scripture tells us, Jesus was tired from a long walk and sat wearily by a well while His disciples went to a nearby city to buy groceries. So Jesus was not at all insensitive to His own needs or those of His followers. May I put it bluntly? Jesus did not teach His followers to be stupid.
The Apostle Paul echoes Jesus’ teaching. He says, “Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.” (Ephesians 5:28, 29) Here Paul makes the simple assumption that people (women as well as men) need to care for themselves in even the most intimate and impelling of human relationships. It is just expected. Permitting ourselves to be manipulated by others into caring for them, not along with but instead of caring for ourselves, is not Jesus’ way.
So I am learning to tell myself the truth—the hardest person with whom I must face the truth—and it is a journey not yet complete. Although the quote is from Shakespeare rather than Scripture, it is nonetheless accurate: “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
Marjorie
Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
The quote is by one of Shakespeare's characters in Hamlet.
I grew up valuing honesty, telling the truth, because that was the example lived before me in my home and in the community where we lived. There is one person, however, with whom I have found it especially difficult to face the truth.
Me.
Sometimes I haven’t recognized the truth, even though it was right there. Through many years of my adult life, and without realizing it, I surrounded myself with people who used me. Organizations that deceived and cheated, that took serious advantage of me financially (in the name of God). Strong leaders who used the subtle power of approval to build a personal following, who controlled my time and my job and my money and my friendships, who ordered my life with should’s and must’s while they covered their own private wrongdoing (in the name of God). “Friends,” a lot of them, who were only takers because I was so ready to give, who laid unfair claims on me by their unending neediness (in the name of God). Because I was absolutely sincere in my intentions, no one shook me and said “Wake up, girl!” But the time came when the pressure became too great and could no longer be contained neatly. A family member intervened. “This is abuse,” she said, and my façade began to crack.
Over a number of months after that, I began to realize that not only was the present situation abusive, but also that I had permitted, again and again, unreasonable and unhealthy demands to be made on my life. I discovered that Christian women—mothers, wives, friends, employees, members of a faith community—can and must establish boundaries to protect themselves from destructive relationships.
It may be hard for some people to reconcile the teachings of Jesus about love and forgiveness and self-sacrifice with the necessity to preserve one’s health and sanity. I know how difficult that can be; I found it so difficult that I missed making the connection for most of my adult life. Our Lord never intended for loving God and loving others to exclude self-care. He told His followers that the two greatest commandments were to love God with all one’s heart and mind and strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself. It is very hard, maybe impossible, to love and care for others appropriately unless we have a proper respect for ourselves.
Jesus Himself did not minister non-stop to needy people. One time He told all His disciples to come with Him to a quiet place to take a break; they hadn’t even had time for lunch. People were constantly coming and going—people with genuine needs, people who apparently thought Jesus and the disciples should be meeting those needs. (Seeing Jesus’ crew leaving in a boat, the people hurried on foot from the surrounding villages, and beat them to their remote resting spot—but that’s another story.) And once, the Scripture tells us, Jesus was tired from a long walk and sat wearily by a well while His disciples went to a nearby city to buy groceries. So Jesus was not at all insensitive to His own needs or those of His followers. May I put it bluntly? Jesus did not teach His followers to be stupid.
The Apostle Paul echoes Jesus’ teaching. He says, “Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.” (Ephesians 5:28, 29) Here Paul makes the simple assumption that people (women as well as men) need to care for themselves in even the most intimate and impelling of human relationships. It is just expected. Permitting ourselves to be manipulated by others into caring for them, not along with but instead of caring for ourselves, is not Jesus’ way.
So I am learning to tell myself the truth—the hardest person with whom I must face the truth—and it is a journey not yet complete. Although the quote is from Shakespeare rather than Scripture, it is nonetheless accurate: “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
Marjorie
Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
The quote is by one of Shakespeare's characters in Hamlet.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Harder Than It Looks
Recovery after loss is harder than it looks.
It doesn't matter too much what the loss is:
The death of a spouse or a child.
The loss of a house—destruction or foreclosure.
Or the loss of Home—you can't go back to that place of security again.
Layoff from a long-term job.
Health and strength and freedom from pain.
A broken relationship.
Betrayal by someone you trusted.
A missed opportunity that cannot be recovered.
Failure to accomplish what you were sure you could.
Faith and self-confidence.
A dream that has died.
Treat the one who has suffered loss with great compassion. Recovery is harder than it looks.
People may say, "You're a strong woman—so brave." And she thinks, I don't want to be strong or brave. I just want to stop hurting.
They say, "You are doing so well." Thank you, I'm recovering from what amounts to a 'surgery' that almost killed me.
"You're looking good." Nice of you to say that, but this is just the face I put on when I'm going out.
Treat the one who has suffered loss with much kindness; it is doing a kindness to Christ.
Without implying unreserved acceptance of Jungian psychology, here is something he wrote:
What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I
should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all the beggars
. . . that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of
my own kindness—that I myself am the enemy who must be loved—what
then?
Treat the one who has suffered loss with great compassion—especially if it is you.
I recommend reading or re-reading these posts on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog:
The Courage to Grieve and Where Everybody Knows Your Name.
Marjorie
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Like Elijah
I'm not running from a wicked queen who is out to get me, nor am I going to be hiding out in a cave. Like Elijah, though, I intend for the next ten days or so to sleep and then wake up and eat and then sleep some more and then eat some more, and in between, I will read and walk and talk and think and pray.
It's staycation time—a new word in our dictionary now—a combination of vacationing and staying at home. For a week I am going to be at a nearby country location with a lake and grass and trees and a lot of blue sky, if it doesn't rain as it often does on vacations! There are walking paths (one of them designated as a "prayer path), a hammock, rocking chairs on the patio, friendly cats and perfectly lovely hosts. I could pitch a tent there, but I prefer the comfort of a real bed and some air conditioning in what my family fondly calls "the garden level" accommodations (a walkout basement). There is no television, no cell phone reception (although the hosts have a landline if guests have an emergency), minimal kitchen facilities—nothing to do except the things I mentioned above. Praise be!
I am not expecting an earthquake or wind or fire like Elijah experienced, but I am hoping like him to hear the "still small voice." I'll be back blogging again around the end of July.
Marjorie
It's staycation time—a new word in our dictionary now—a combination of vacationing and staying at home. For a week I am going to be at a nearby country location with a lake and grass and trees and a lot of blue sky, if it doesn't rain as it often does on vacations! There are walking paths (one of them designated as a "prayer path), a hammock, rocking chairs on the patio, friendly cats and perfectly lovely hosts. I could pitch a tent there, but I prefer the comfort of a real bed and some air conditioning in what my family fondly calls "the garden level" accommodations (a walkout basement). There is no television, no cell phone reception (although the hosts have a landline if guests have an emergency), minimal kitchen facilities—nothing to do except the things I mentioned above. Praise be!
I am not expecting an earthquake or wind or fire like Elijah experienced, but I am hoping like him to hear the "still small voice." I'll be back blogging again around the end of July.
Marjorie
Saturday, July 11, 2009
It's Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood
Many people have used the line that titles this article. It sells books and articles, programs of hypnotherapy and inner healing, workshops, and even a nutritional supplement. People like novelist Tom Robbins and motivational speaker Wayne Dwyer say it's so, and I believe it as well.
You may be quite aware that some infants exhibit the syndrome called "failure to thrive." They simply do not grow as they should. In many of these cases there is no apparent organic disorder; the growth failure occurs because of environmental neglect (basically, lack of food which can be caused in a number of ways) or stimulus deprivation. Stimulation may be lacking because of the caregivers' anxiety, apathy, hostility or other stresses not all of which are the adult's "fault." The baby can become depressed, apathetic, and ultimately unwilling or unable to eat.
News to me, although perhaps not to you, is the geriatric syndrome, "failure to thrive." Some elderly patients with declining health and strength, including those who do not have an acute illness or a severe chronic disease, undergo a process of functional decline, progressive apathy, and a loss of willingness to eat and drink that ends in death. Often the cause of the deterioration is not identifiable, but it should not be dismissed as a necessary part of aging. All of this to say: The medical profession recognizes that at both ends of life, it is critical to receive the care we need—not only physical nourishment, but the comfort, acceptance, and hope that others can provide. And all the years in between, we never outgrow that need.
Although our physical growth may not have been stunted by some degree of negligence, nevertheless, some of us still have inside us the little person we once were who did not have the opportunity to flourish. We grew into adolescence and then adulthood with some basic needs unmet, in most cases not because we were not loved, but because our parents or guardians did not know how to nurture a child. They probably had inside of themselves the little persons they once were who had not been nurtured. If we did not—and if we do not—receive the encouragement and acceptance we need from others, we must be certain to provide it for ourselves.
Part of growing up is learning how to take care of oneself: how to bathe and how to fry an egg, how to press clothes and drive safely, how to write a check and get up in time for work. What we sometimes never learn, because we don't realize that we need to, is how to make good decisions, how to love and forgive, how to trust and treat ourselves with respect, how to be happy. If we did not learn it earlier, that is our task as a grownup now.
Some people take this very literally, suggesting that you spend time with your "inner child" every day, breathing deeply and noticing what she wants and needs. Do some of your favorite childhood activities. (Sorry, I just can't see myself climbing trees again!) Find and frame a photo from your childhood; talk to that adorable little girl and enjoy her company. Hang out with children. Bring back naptime; curl up with a blankie and have a nap. (Now this I can see!)
If you had a less-than-happy childhood, and these are helpful, then by all means, enjoy! But the real issue, I think, is creating for our selves the same atmosphere of warmth and caring that lets infants and the elderly thrive. Having a happy childhood at a later stage of life may include—but does not necessarily require—re-creating those younger days, doing all the fun stuff you missed, making up for some earlier, real or imagined deprivation. What it might mean is a healthful diet or dental care or counseling that was out of reach when we were children. It might mean going back to school or traveling or taking up an interest that was not possible before. It might mean telling family members or friends, "I need your support in this."
If we think about it, we are probably not all that far from knowing what it means.
Marjorie
Read from my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way," the article Goodbye to a Person You Once Knew.
You may be quite aware that some infants exhibit the syndrome called "failure to thrive." They simply do not grow as they should. In many of these cases there is no apparent organic disorder; the growth failure occurs because of environmental neglect (basically, lack of food which can be caused in a number of ways) or stimulus deprivation. Stimulation may be lacking because of the caregivers' anxiety, apathy, hostility or other stresses not all of which are the adult's "fault." The baby can become depressed, apathetic, and ultimately unwilling or unable to eat.
News to me, although perhaps not to you, is the geriatric syndrome, "failure to thrive." Some elderly patients with declining health and strength, including those who do not have an acute illness or a severe chronic disease, undergo a process of functional decline, progressive apathy, and a loss of willingness to eat and drink that ends in death. Often the cause of the deterioration is not identifiable, but it should not be dismissed as a necessary part of aging. All of this to say: The medical profession recognizes that at both ends of life, it is critical to receive the care we need—not only physical nourishment, but the comfort, acceptance, and hope that others can provide. And all the years in between, we never outgrow that need.
Although our physical growth may not have been stunted by some degree of negligence, nevertheless, some of us still have inside us the little person we once were who did not have the opportunity to flourish. We grew into adolescence and then adulthood with some basic needs unmet, in most cases not because we were not loved, but because our parents or guardians did not know how to nurture a child. They probably had inside of themselves the little persons they once were who had not been nurtured. If we did not—and if we do not—receive the encouragement and acceptance we need from others, we must be certain to provide it for ourselves.
Part of growing up is learning how to take care of oneself: how to bathe and how to fry an egg, how to press clothes and drive safely, how to write a check and get up in time for work. What we sometimes never learn, because we don't realize that we need to, is how to make good decisions, how to love and forgive, how to trust and treat ourselves with respect, how to be happy. If we did not learn it earlier, that is our task as a grownup now.
Some people take this very literally, suggesting that you spend time with your "inner child" every day, breathing deeply and noticing what she wants and needs. Do some of your favorite childhood activities. (Sorry, I just can't see myself climbing trees again!) Find and frame a photo from your childhood; talk to that adorable little girl and enjoy her company. Hang out with children. Bring back naptime; curl up with a blankie and have a nap. (Now this I can see!)
If you had a less-than-happy childhood, and these are helpful, then by all means, enjoy! But the real issue, I think, is creating for our selves the same atmosphere of warmth and caring that lets infants and the elderly thrive. Having a happy childhood at a later stage of life may include—but does not necessarily require—re-creating those younger days, doing all the fun stuff you missed, making up for some earlier, real or imagined deprivation. What it might mean is a healthful diet or dental care or counseling that was out of reach when we were children. It might mean going back to school or traveling or taking up an interest that was not possible before. It might mean telling family members or friends, "I need your support in this."
If we think about it, we are probably not all that far from knowing what it means.
Marjorie
Read from my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way," the article Goodbye to a Person You Once Knew.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Denial: Not Just a River in Egypt
"Don't be such a crybaby," a sibling teases.
(Sobbing) I'm not a crybaby!
My oatmeal tastes nasty.
"It's not nasty. Eat it," the parent warns.
"You'll hardly feel it," the doctor says.
Oww-oww—before the shot, oww-oww-oww—afterwards.
Some of us learned early that our emotions and sensory experiences were not acceptable to those around us. We learned that, by all indications, they cannot be trusted.
We were wrong.
So now we say, "Problem? There's not a problem," to avoid a confrontation.
I am so mad I could spit nails.
"Of course I'll help with your garage sale," we agree.
I really don't want to. Why did I say "yes"?
"It's okay. I don't mind," as friend or family member oversteps the boundary. I guess I've got to be okay with this if I want to be a good daughter / wife / mother / Christian.
And we are still wrong. We are keeping stuffed deep inside ourselves our feelings, our opinions, our instincts. This makes us, to some degree, inauthentic in our interaction with others. More dangerously, however, it creates a duplicity in our own thinking. Eventually, this will either erupt in anger and open damage to our relationships, or it will blunt our perception and cause us to abandon our personal selves. We tell ourselves over and over again, "This doesn't really matter," when it does matter, or "I shouldn't let this bother me," when it would bother any reasonable person. That self-talk takes us back to the immaturity of our childhood when we were taught that we did not know what we felt or that it did not matter.
We do know what we feel, or we can learn to feel it. Denying that it matters will do nothing for us except to make us a "Queen of Denial," which is not just a river in Egypt.
Marjorie
To read more about truth-telling, see some earlier posts on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog. Click on these titles:
Things Mama Taught Me: Tell the Truth
To Thine Own Self Be True
Crossing the Bridge
(Sobbing) I'm not a crybaby!
My oatmeal tastes nasty.
"It's not nasty. Eat it," the parent warns.
"You'll hardly feel it," the doctor says.
Oww-oww—before the shot, oww-oww-oww—afterwards.
Some of us learned early that our emotions and sensory experiences were not acceptable to those around us. We learned that, by all indications, they cannot be trusted.
We were wrong.
So now we say, "Problem? There's not a problem," to avoid a confrontation.
I am so mad I could spit nails.
"Of course I'll help with your garage sale," we agree.
I really don't want to. Why did I say "yes"?
"It's okay. I don't mind," as friend or family member oversteps the boundary. I guess I've got to be okay with this if I want to be a good daughter / wife / mother / Christian.
And we are still wrong. We are keeping stuffed deep inside ourselves our feelings, our opinions, our instincts. This makes us, to some degree, inauthentic in our interaction with others. More dangerously, however, it creates a duplicity in our own thinking. Eventually, this will either erupt in anger and open damage to our relationships, or it will blunt our perception and cause us to abandon our personal selves. We tell ourselves over and over again, "This doesn't really matter," when it does matter, or "I shouldn't let this bother me," when it would bother any reasonable person. That self-talk takes us back to the immaturity of our childhood when we were taught that we did not know what we felt or that it did not matter.
We do know what we feel, or we can learn to feel it. Denying that it matters will do nothing for us except to make us a "Queen of Denial," which is not just a river in Egypt.
Marjorie
To read more about truth-telling, see some earlier posts on my "Finding the Faith Way" blog. Click on these titles:
Things Mama Taught Me: Tell the Truth
To Thine Own Self Be True
Crossing the Bridge
Friday, June 19, 2009
The Anatomy of Excess
What if ordinary excesses—not illegal stuff, but things like too much food, too much TV, too much shopping, too much weightless reading—are not so much the result of a selfish, undisciplined spirit and more the consequence of not giving oneself the necessary healthful care?
What if the failures we have seen high-profile leaders make in their personal lives did not announce to the world, "I was so weak; shame on me," but tell us that they did not heed their internal defense system which attempted, early on, to warn them about finding helpful ways to relieve stress and manage the demands made upon them?
What if the people we would criticize for their inconsistent application of "recovery" steps—whether of Alcoholics Anonymous, drug rehab, or anger management regimens—are struggling not just with a habit but with a numbing gridlock of the mind, an addiction begun because there seemed to be no way to cope with the life they faced?
What if we could convince the suicidal person, long before that act of ultimate excess, that the redemptive declaration is valid, "While there's life, there's hope."
What if we could learn to care properly for this vulnerable body and breakable spirit?
Just wondering . . .
Marjorie
What if the failures we have seen high-profile leaders make in their personal lives did not announce to the world, "I was so weak; shame on me," but tell us that they did not heed their internal defense system which attempted, early on, to warn them about finding helpful ways to relieve stress and manage the demands made upon them?
What if the people we would criticize for their inconsistent application of "recovery" steps—whether of Alcoholics Anonymous, drug rehab, or anger management regimens—are struggling not just with a habit but with a numbing gridlock of the mind, an addiction begun because there seemed to be no way to cope with the life they faced?
What if we could convince the suicidal person, long before that act of ultimate excess, that the redemptive declaration is valid, "While there's life, there's hope."
What if we could learn to care properly for this vulnerable body and breakable spirit?
Just wondering . . .
Marjorie
Friday, June 5, 2009
Take Care of the Tools
When I stopped living in apartments and had my own little house, I took a great interest for the first time in yard and garden. I planted a number of trees and bushes, put in a square-foot garden, and laid out a strawberry patch. I had never owned tools before, but as the need arose, I purchased them so that eventually I had a basic collection. (No, I don't borrow, but I don't loan either!) A favorite uncle who lived right next door impressed upon me, by his example, how important it was to take care of the tools. I still clean and oil them after each use; consequently, my hoes and shovels and rakes are not rusty even though they're well-used. The bonus: they are always ready for use when I need them!
I haven't always, though, taken care of my most important tools—the physical framework in which I live—and sometimes I still don't do a very good job. There are times when a greater good calls for sacrifice on our part, so what I say here is not a criticism of attention to our duty or decision. It is intended to remind us to care for the "tools" that are irreplaceable, intended to last for our lifetime. All we can do is the best we can.
Young mothers, especially if you are also working and/or going to school—Do the best you can. The very recognition that you actually need adult conversation, the freedom to read either "mind candy" or a challenging book, a "Y" membership or a pot of tulips in the kitchen will be freeing. Breadwinners, either men or women, whose work is demanding or whose job search is frustrating—Do what you have to do. But expect and plan for the time when there will be a little relief, not just retirement down the road, but an hour here or there to call your own. Meanwhile, have that checkup! Wear that seat belt! Eat those vegetables! Walk those extra steps!
Just a little investment now pays big dividends later. That goes for shovels and rakes—and for bodies.
Marjorie
I haven't always, though, taken care of my most important tools—the physical framework in which I live—and sometimes I still don't do a very good job. There are times when a greater good calls for sacrifice on our part, so what I say here is not a criticism of attention to our duty or decision. It is intended to remind us to care for the "tools" that are irreplaceable, intended to last for our lifetime. All we can do is the best we can.
Young mothers, especially if you are also working and/or going to school—Do the best you can. The very recognition that you actually need adult conversation, the freedom to read either "mind candy" or a challenging book, a "Y" membership or a pot of tulips in the kitchen will be freeing. Breadwinners, either men or women, whose work is demanding or whose job search is frustrating—Do what you have to do. But expect and plan for the time when there will be a little relief, not just retirement down the road, but an hour here or there to call your own. Meanwhile, have that checkup! Wear that seat belt! Eat those vegetables! Walk those extra steps!
Just a little investment now pays big dividends later. That goes for shovels and rakes—and for bodies.
Marjorie
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