Who Am I?

We often short-change ourselves by accepting an incomplete definition of "who am I?" We explain who we are by saying I'm Jake's wife or Bobby's mother, Susie's piano teacher or debate coach. We introduce ourselves by what we do: I am the president at BigStuff Productions, I am a CPA, I'm a pest exterminator. An unfortunate thing about such identity markers is that they don't last. How will the woman define herself when Jake is no longer in the picture, Bobby has grown up and left home, or she isn't able to give piano lessons any more? What happens when the company president or the CPA retires, and if pest control is done by huge municipal enterprises?

Sometimes, and often without realizing it, we define ourselves—especially to ourselves—by some experience in our past. "I am the adult child of an alcoholic," "I am the victim of a rape," "I was abused as a child," "I'm a divorcee," "I served time in prison," "I killed people during the war." It's completely understandable that circumstances like these would mark indelibly the one who experienced them. It's not wise or right to minimize the ensuing trauma; I clearly favor getting appropriate support services along with professional help as needed.

However, the sooner one can let go of the limited naming of oneself the better. "I am not that role or that job; it cannot define me. I am something even bigger and better." And the sooner one can let go of the negative naming of oneself the better. "I am not that experience. My divorce—my mother's alcoholism—my abuse—my crime does not define me. I am something other than, and more than, that trauma."

I am made in the image of God.
I am His child, redeemed by the Savior.
I am called by name, and tenderly led by the Great Shepherd.
I am choice in God's sight, the "apple of His eye."
I have an advocate in Jesus, someone who stands up for me.
I am part of the Body of Christ, placed there with purpose.
I have gifts to share, given by the Spirit of God.
I have eternity in my heart—now and forever.

Who am I? What defines me? Who God says I am.

Marjorie

The Lifter of My Head

I remember acutely the day that a set of circumstances closed around me, and it became clear that I had made some serious errors. All unknowing, I had made unwise decisions on top of coerced actions on top of misguided trust, and that had led me to a deep, dark place. "I am so ashamed," I confessed to a friend. "I don't want to be around people. I don't want them to see me."

"You have done nothing wrong," the other assured me. "But still, it's okay to take a little break." Those words were most helpful, for what I needed was to understand that I did not have to bow to remorse and shame; in a few days when I met people again, I could hold my head up.

"Many are they who say of me, 'There is no help for him in God.' But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head." I cried to the LORD with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill." (Psalm 3:2-4 NKJV)

Shame, I think, is a common part of the human condition, at least ever since Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden. Only after disobeying God, they felt naked and defenseless. They were ashamed.

Our personal shame arises from many sources: From a shame-filled upbringing. From an uninformed or misguided conscience. From our own shortcomings, real or perceived. From an inability to handle objectively the opinions of others. But the difficult thing about shame is that I cannot do anything much to relieve it; guilt is handled by repentance and restitution, but shame is deeper than that. It strikes not at what I have done, but who I am.

That is what God changes—who I am. "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (II Corinthians 5:17 NLT) Shame, because we are Adam's race, is part of being human. It cannot really be evaded. But it can be healed by the One who is the "Lifter of My Head."

Marjorie

Scripture marked NKJV is taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

This Is Not About You

Another difficult subject--

While serving as a church staff member, I personally visited with a number of women who experienced the trauma of discovering that their husband had an intimate sex life—albeit an illusionary one—apart from their marriage. The women were hurt. Unbelieving and tearful or "spittin' mad," they were devastated by what certainly felt to them like infidelity.

Pornography, in its many forms, is ubiquitous; its prevalence and its bold specificity are startling. Several of the men were caught up in this, but there were other sexual addictions too that had come to light. The men I refer to profess Christian faith; they are well-respected in their church communities. Even so, they had been lured into a fantasy world where sexual fulfillment held no commitment or responsibility. It seemed to have no consequences. And that is where they were mistaken.

I am not an expert on the diagnosis or treatment of sexual addictions, so I'll not go into that aspect of the problem. But, "What's wrong with me?" the women wondered. "Why am I not enough?" To other women who may be facing circumstances like theirs, I want to pass along a piece of wisdom I learned from one of the counselors. "This is not about you." You cannot be sweet enough, cute enough, glamorous enough to cure the situation because it's not about you. You may be feeling unworthy, terribly unlovely, and hopeless. You are not. You might work together as a couple with professionals who can assist you, but this is his problem and his choice whether to confront it honestly.

Don't forget—this is not about you.

Marjorie

Home Schooling

The modern home-schooling movement began in the seventies and eighties when parents and some educators began to question the wisdom of the conventional education system. Long before that, however, before there were compulsory attendance laws, children learned at home the basics of growing and gathering food, caring for livestock, using tools, and making clothing. When they could be spared from house and field, they might spend brief periods under the tutelage of a parent or older sibling or a young woman in the community (single, of course) who knew readin', 'ritin', and 'rithmetic.

Whether we attended a public school or a private one, or whether we were taught by a tutor or parent at home, almost all of us have had "home-schooling." From early centuries until the present, we've been home-schooled in many things besides the three R's. (Only a few children have virtually raised themselves, like Topsy in Uncle Tom's Cabin who just "growed.") We learned the value of hard work—or not. We learned to respect the rights of others—or not. We learned honesty, loyalty, and faith in God—or not. We may have learned that there is money for booze but not shoes. We may have learned that crime does indeed pay—at least, in the short term. We may have learned that adults get their way by yelling, that a murmur of protest earns a smack in the face, and that no reason at all may bring on enraged blows. We may have learned that children don't count and, in particular, that girls don't count. We may have learned that the name of God precedes curses that make us feel small and weak and unloved.

Some things must be un-learned. Is there some word that you consistently find it difficult to spell because you did not learn it correctly in the first place? Do you split infinitives or dangle participles because no one taught you not to? (We also are not supposed to end sentences with prepositions, did you notice?) Are there certain number combinations that tend to trip you? Then you will find that you must pay attention to un-learning those mistaken lessons.

The same may be true of "home schooling." Not everything we learned from our elders is right just because they said so. Not everything is best practice just because it is what they did. Now that we are adults, making choices of our own, we must decide if what we learned back then is true and right. Is honesty really the best—or perhaps only—policy? Do nice guys, and girls, always finish last? Am I significant? Can people be trusted? Can God?

Where do we find the truth?

1. First of all, in what God says about us and how He says to live, described for us in the Scriptures. And then—not in order of their importance, which only the learner can determine—other places may be:
2. People whose lives demonstrate purpose and meaning, who know how to make relationships work—listening to them, asking questions.
3. Information sources such as books, articles, and recorded presentations.
4. Personal consultation/counseling which serve to give insight.
   

This is probably no longer "home" schooling. It is "advanced education" from which we never graduate.

Fortunately!

Marjorie

For Such a Time As This

For over a century, The Ladies Home Journal has had a strong influence on its readers, now numbering in the millions. The motto of the magazine for many of those years has been, "Never underestimate the power of a woman." What does that mean? That women are smarter and more capable than you might expect? That women aren't given credit for their strengths? That there's more to a woman than meets the eye? That a woman can do anything a man can do and some things that he cannot? The declaration is perhaps not as aggressive as it might seem, given that the slogan came into use in 1945. Probably it was intended to recognize the value of women's work in the war effort and the tough resilience they demonstrated by maintaining homes and businesses while their men were away in battle.

The motto reminds me of the story of Esther in the Bible. Although the king underestimated the young Jewish woman he took as his queen, her cousin Mordecai did not. The king had been tricked by an evil man into issuing the edict that would wipe out all the Jews in the Kingdom. Mordecai pleaded with Esther to go to the king and beg for action that would spare their people. She was hesitant, for anyone approaching the throne without being summoned could be executed. Mordecai sent the insistent message, "Don't think that just because you live in the king's house you're the one Jew who will get out of this alive. If you persist in staying silent at a time like this, help and deliverance will arrive for the Jews from someplace else; but you and your family will be wiped out. Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this." (Esther 4:13, 14) Esther obeyed, and changed the course of Jewish history.

Who knows what effect your own life can have on those around you? Don't underestimate your power, your influence, or your contribution to the Kingdom of God! He has placed you exactly where you are for just such a time as this, Why then, you may wonder, do I not see anything happening? Why does what I say and do not make any difference?

Oh, but it does! Fifty years ago, a scientist named Edward Lorenz was using a numerical computer model to make weather predictions. What he found was that an extremely tiny change in initial conditions, when they evolved exponentially over time, resulted in a completely different weather outcome. The slightest disturbance, say by the flapping wings of a gull or a butterfly, would eventually be amplified to such an extent that large-scale atmospheric motions were created and long-term weather behavior became impossible to predict. (So that explains why the local weatherman cannot always get it right!)

Lorenz's talk in 1972 before the American Association for the Advancement of Science was titled, "Predictability: Does the Flap of a Butterfly's Wings in Brazil Set off a Tornado in Texas?" A butterfly, of course, could not create the tornado in the sense of providing the energy for the wind. It does represent, though, an infinitesimal part of the initial conditions that resulted in a tornado, and without the flap, that particular tornado would not have existed in the form it did. Thus, Lorenz's "butterfly effect."

In the dynamic structure that is our life in a world with other people, can you see that our actions and words have a butterfly effect too? What we do or say, even as tiny as the flutter of butterfly wings, does have powerful significance. We may not see it immediately, or perhaps we never will. Nevertheless, it sets in motion changes that eventually matter. Don't underestimate your power as a woman. Who knows but that you may have come to the Kingdom for such a time as this?

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Information on the "butterfly effect" from http://www.cmp.caltech.edu/~mcc/chaos_new/Lorenz.html and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butterfly_effect

Affirmation

All through elementary school and high school, I loved my teachers. They encouraged me and gave me interesting things to do when my assigned work was completed. I remember "writing a book," illustrated with pictures I had drawn or cut out of magazines. I was in the 8th grade, I think, and the story was a recap of the long historical poem "Evangeline" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. I was engrossed in that project for a long time, and so pleased with my finished work—because the teacher was pleased. I was not accustomed to such response. I realize now that she thought to create "busy work" for me, but in reality she was feeding a sensitive spirit and a busy, creative mind.

Mother Teresa declared that there is more hunger in this world for love and appreciation than there is for bread. She saw real, terrible hunger in Calcutta, and yet she saw a need for something more than food to sustain the human spirit. How do we get the affirmation we need?

One of the truths Jesus taught—I'll venture to say it is a spiritual principle—was "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:38) So what we want to receive, we must learn to give. "If you wish your merit to be known," an Oriental proverb says, "acknowledge that of other people." Too often, we fear if others receive notice or praise or reward, we will have to do without. That's not true! Affirmation, appreciation, encouragement, validation—these are "renewable resources" in the personal sense. It is not as though there is only so much of them in the world, and if someone gets a lot, you and I may not get what should come our way!

We sometimes mistakenly expect our affirmation and appreciation to come from those whom we choose. Ideally, perhaps, it would have been my own parents who encouraged my abilities. But they had little opportunity to identify them, and few resources to further their development. Jesus' words about receiving just as we have given say nothing about the source of our benefits. Those do not necessarily come as a direct return. They will likely come from another person, from God Himself, or even from our own sense of satisfaction, at another time, and in another place.

Sometimes we write for people who don't read or make music for people who don't listen. We cook for people who don't sit down to eat or rear children who turn out to be ungrateful. Well, we may be looking for appreciation from the wrong people! We might try somewhere else: sharing our story with a writing group, singing or playing our song to another person who makes music, creating that special dish for the folks at work, being the classroom mother who can be counted on. There's nothing wrong with wanting affirmation. We just have to learn where to look for it.

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved

Quotations at http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Appreciation1.htm

Acting As If

The Rev. Samuel M. Shoemaker gets credit for originating the "Act As If" practice that is popular in Alcoholics Anonymous and other Twelve Step programs. The principles of those steps grew out of the Oxford Group based at Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City where Shoemaker was Rector of the Church and spiritual leader of the Oxford Group. It is he who provided the early inspiration for the spiritual aspects of twelve-step programs, and began using the phrase, "act as if" about 1954. Some naysayers insist that "acting as if" is deceiving oneself, putting on a front for others, or even lying!

I think, however, it comes down to the matter of motive. If we are trying to convince ourselves that we are a superior being, yes, that is deception. If we intend to trick others into believing that we are something that we are not, yes, that is lying. However, affirming what we believe and hope for and beginning to act on it strengthens our belief and hope.

Acting as if does not mean writing checks as if I have money in the bank when I do not.
Acting as if does not mean feigning calm as if I cannot feel hurt or disappointment or anger. Acting as if does not mean working day and night as if I need no rest or self-care.

Acting as if is facing reality and responding appropriately.
Acting as if is intentional in cultivating healthy relationships.
Acting as if is assertive (neither passive nor aggressive) personal behavior.
Acting as if means beginning now to take the action or speak the words I would if I were already the person I want to become!

How would you act if you were not shy, or ashamed, or afraid? Act as if you are not.

How would a self-confident, interesting person act? How would a person act who respected others and herself/himself? Start acting that way.

How would a woman act who believed God valued her and had Divine purpose for her life? Act like her.

Acting as if is decisive. Acting as if involves action based on more than feeling. Acting as if purposes to align us with what is true.

Marjorie

My Dearest Friends

"Dearest . . ."

In the middle of the night recently, I awakened to that clear word in my mind. I am not a mystic, given to dreams and visions, but it did occur to me that maybe that thought was from God. It seemed like something He would do—a whispered word to assure me of His comforting presence.

I began to think about that word, and how we use it. We evaluate persons or things and declare that this one or that is more precious than others. To us, "dearest" is all about making comparisons. But God's love is unlike ours, which can change and fail. To Him, "dearest" does not mean "I love you more than I love others" but rather, "I could not possibly love you more!" Jesus said to His followers, "People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things [daily needs], but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. (Luke 12:29)

Sometimes circumstances in our lives have a way of making us feel unlovely and unloved. Past experiences, even in childhood, may have caused these uncertainties. Relationships that meant rejection—either real or imagined—create or support the belief that we are unworthy of being "dearest" to anyone. Unfortunately, sometimes even religious instruction carries the message that we are worthless. Undeserving of grace, yes, but not worthless. Just because Job, and David too, in his extreme circumstances felt like a worm, that does not mean that I am, in fact, a worm and that God considers His human creation as such!

We are His precious possession, His dearest!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

A Crying Shame

Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule.
It made the children laugh and play to see a lamb at school.

Poor Mary! Perhaps the teacher reproved her, "Mary, don't you know that you mustn't bring your pet lamb to school?"

Mary would have been respectful, not defending herself by explaining, "But I didn't bring her! She followed me."

Nevertheless, the teacher made the lamb stay outside, and throughout the day, whenever its little bleat was heard through the open windows, the children pointed at Mary and laughed. Mary sank far down into her seat, ashamed.

That's fiction, of course, but not unlike my experience as a very young student. My family was responsible for providing the milk for the school lunches prepared each day at our rural school. As we walked across the field one morning, carrying our jugs of milk, one of the barn kittens followed, intent upon having breakfast. All the way to school she pursued me, in spite of my tearful insistence that she go back home. Although I endured no scolding from the teacher, still I was thoroughly ashamed—as if there were anything I could have done differently. I remember the feeling to this day.

We can assuage guilt, the feeling we have when our actions are wrong. We make amends for these interpersonal wrongdoings by apologizing, making restitution, and changing our future interaction. But shame is not so easily handled; it strikes the very self when we are forced to think about what we see as our personal deficiencies. There are many: Our size, shape, personal attractiveness and sexuality. Our intelligence, skill, and ability to compete. Our dependence on something or someone, and our assessment of self-worth. Our fears about closeness and being seen and known, and the contrasting fears about being unlovable and alone.

There are also a number of other negative emotions that belong to the shame family. Embarrassment or even extreme self-consciousness might be our shame experience in a social setting, humiliation what we feel when we suffer a shaming attack by someone else, mortification as being "ashamed to death." These nuances of shame follow the exposure of something we wanted to keep to ourselves. And then sometimes we feel ashamed of feeling shame!

Unfortunately, we think shame is a powerful motivator toward good behavior and a detractor from bad. It sometimes begins when we are very young. "Look at this! You are a terrible dish washer." "Somebody with your brains should be making A's, not B's." (A camouflaged jab.) "If you're fat, the boys won't like you." It may continue throughout our lifetime. "Why don't you watch what you're doing?" (There is no possible answer to this question.) "You're telling me you didn't know that salesman was a crook?" "Any new hire could do this job better than you're doing it." If we are the one handing out the shame, we may assume that a healthy dose will correct the situation, and thereafter the other person will behave in a manner acceptable to us. We are mistaken.

If we are on the receiving end, we probably do realize that shame is not likely to produce positive results. Very often we are unable to handle realistically the information that has been given to us—whether true or not is beside the point—and take the steps necessary to repair our identity or reframe the image we have of ourselves. So we take the shame route.

* We may withdraw by turning away from the offending situation, hiding, acting shy, running away, or becoming silent.

* We may attack ourselves by demeaning and punishing ourselves to earn others' favor and avoid "abandonment." Sometimes it is wisdom to be deferential—"Yes, officer, I was speeding. I'll be more careful, sir"—but we need not put ourselves down as though everyone around us is much bigger and more powerful than we are.

* We may avoid the shaming, using anything we can to make the feeling go away without dealing with the causes. Shame tries to cover itself with undue pride about one's self and accomplishments; it is also soluble in alcohol and other chemicals.

* We may attack others, using anything we think will reduce their self-worth: put downs even under the guise of "joking," blame and contempt, malicious accusations whether or not they're true, physical abuse, and sexual mistreatment.

As I see it, shame is a very basic human problem. In the Garden of Eden, after having eaten of the forbidden tree, Adam and Eve had that experience. "At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” “Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:7-11)

Contrary to Freudian psychology, their shame was not the result of nakedness itself so much as the sudden (unpurposed) realization that their freedom had the potential for good or evil use. Only this knowledge, knowledge that God had not intended for them to have, made them feel ashamed and afraid. The descendants of these first parents, in all the centuries since then, have suffered the pain of shame and fear. It is part of the human condition, not easily escaped.

We feel safer when our "deficiencies" are exposed if we are protected by love and/or acceptance. On a purely human level, this is a great gift we can give each another. But the ultimate love and acceptance and the ultimate release from shame is part of God's redemptive plan. The shame that cannot be ignored or relieved by self-denigration, that cannot be bluffed away or compensated for, can be healed by pursuing the pathway of God's love. "Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame." (Isaiah 50:7) "Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth [your early history] and the sorrows of widowhood [inferring losses, unproductiveness, and reproach]." (Isaiah 54:4) We cannot escape being human, so we may not find a way around every shame-producing circumstance. Christ, however, exposed Himself to every form of human shame and is ready to show us the way through.

Marjorie

On my Finding the Faith Way blog, read some additional thoughts about Adam [here].
and "Things Mama Taught Me: Shame on You" [here].

An interesting discussion on shame is located at http://www.christiantherapist.com/online/news/ShameAndAffect.htm

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

I Was What I Was

Memory is a powerful thing, greatly enhancing our present life by the rich experiences of our past, or complicating it by the difficulties that were part of our personal history. The trouble is, we tend to remember the wrong things. Studies show that the strong negative emotions surrounding an event are often clearer when recalled than the positive or neutral feelings that were part of the same event. This means that sometimes we must make a conscious effort to think on the things that are "true, honorable, right, and admirable." (Philippians 4:8)

Nearly everyone has things that bring some discomfort when we bring them to mind. The Apostle Paul asks the Roman church what they got out of the things of which they are now ashamed. The answer? Nothing. A dead end. (Romans 6:21) While I didn't have a particularly wild, sinful past that shames me, I certainly do have some things that are embarrassing to remember: a grave financial mistake, an unfortunate career decision, some entangling friendships. I feel humiliated if I begin to dwell on those blunders.

One of the problems facing the children of Israel as their story is related in the Old Testament was their inability or unwillingness to remember what God had done throughout their early history. "How quickly they forgot what he had done! They wouldn’t wait for his counsel! They forgot God, their savior, who had done such great things in Egypt—such wonderful things in the land of Ham, such awesome deeds at the Red Sea. The people refused to enter the pleasant land, for they wouldn’t believe his promise to care for them. Instead, they grumbled in their tents and refused to obey the Lord. (Psalm 106:13, 22-25 NLT)

We are not much different. We often self-centeredly focus on what we did and fail to remember God's great and wonderful things and awesome deeds. I am learning to look at my past with more grace for myself (as God in fact does!) Instead of lamenting the detours and long-way-around-mistakes I made, I am grateful for where He has brought me now. Of the past, I have to say, "I was what I was." This may sound lame; after all, it's pretty close to "It is what it is," which a recent poll shows as third place in the list of most annoying phrases. But it's true! I was who I was at that time with the understanding that I had then. Now I am becoming someone different. Life doesn't provide automatic "do-overs," but God will enable us to put aside the troubling past. We face it and deal with it, or we replace the unhappy memories with positive ones, or we choose to forget the things that no longer have real significance.

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Philippines 3:12-16 MSG)

Marjorie

Along this same line, read "I Didn't Know" and "What If I Make a Mistake?" on my Finding the Faith Way blog.

About the poll: It was conducted this month by the Marist Institute for Public Opinion, a highly-respected survey research center at Marist College in New York. Over the past thirty years, it has regularly measured public opinion at the local, state, and national level on politics, money, family, spirituality, mind and body, sports, entertainment, and much more. It is often cited by journalists and analysts around the globe.

Scripture quotation marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

"To Thine Own Self Be True"

This entry was first published on my Finding the Faith Way site under the same title. Because it deals mostly with the concerns of women rather than those of a general reading audience, it is perhaps more suitably placed here. You will perhaps recognize the Shakespeare quote which I used recently, with a somewhat different emphasis given here.

“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Although Jesus Himself did not say this—it was one of Shakespeare’s characters in Hamlet—it lines up with the way Jesus lived. He knew who He was and why He was here. Again and again, the Gospel accounts tell us, Jesus said or did things in order that the prophecies concerning Him would be fulfilled. He was true to Himself and to His calling. He desires the same for us. The Apostle Paul wrote, “I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.” (Ephesians 1:16b-18)

I often see people who are not true to themselves. They are only a copy of someone else, or they are the person they think others want them to be. We might expect this in children who are only now forming who they are, but mature men and women need to have a developed sense of who they are, especially who they are in Christ. Because of the foolishness of a few, we have made a joke of people trying to “find themselves,” and thus have caused others to avoid forming their own goals and opinions and discovering their personal strengths and weaknesses. We have not given them the freedom to be authentic persons.

There is no place I see this more clearly than in the lives of a few married women I know. A recently-wed young woman told me not long ago, “Being married is not what makes us whole, but it does help us become more.” I agree; that is what most women would want and expect, but instead of being enhanced by their relationship, too many find themselves diminished, made less by the man who has gained them as a personal acquisition. We most often use the term “trophy wife” to describe the younger, probably beautiful woman who is the second or even third wife of a wealthy and probably powerful middle-aged man. She is something of a “reward” for his business savvy or whatever else has brought him to the self-assured position of “deserving the finest” of everything.

To my consternation, I have seen and heard of a few Christian trophy wives too, even though they may be the first and only spouse. The men who married them did not do so for the purpose of making both their lives richer and enabling them to better serve the Kingdom. They married because it was to their personal advantage: “This woman will serve my needs; she loves me and will make my life happier.” “This woman makes me feel important; she will enhance my position or better my image as a Christian man.” (Somewhat like the marketing “halo effect” where the excellence of one product increases positive response to another in the same line. He withdraws his support of her personal endeavors if she gets too far ahead of him.) Is this a conscious ploy? I wish I knew. I only know that sometimes I see it in operation.

Sometimes this robbery of a woman’s personhood is given a cloak of righteousness with Scriptures that speak of women being under male authority—fathers, husbands, brothers, spiritual leaders. That is clearly a travesty of the Biblical intent that we all live with love and respect toward each other. I know a woman who years ago removed herself from an abusive situation at enormous emotional cost personally. In spite of great, skillfully applied pressure to be “submissive” to what was dictated, she knew positively within herself, “This is not right. God doesn’t want me to live this way.” She didn’t know but that she might be risking the wrath of God and gambling on heaven; certainly she was risking the wrath of man. But God honored her search for what was true. Because she dared to find that for herself, He has since used her to bring help and hope to many other women who are trying to reclaim their own selves.

“To thine own self be true.” If not true to yourself, to the person God intends you to be, how can you help but be false to every other person?

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Kiss Your Elbow

When I was just a little girl, my older brothers teased me mercilessly for my inability to do the things they were able to do. They were bigger and stronger and older, and they were boys! They did hold out one bit of encouragement for me however: "If you can kiss your elbow, you will turn into a boy." I tried, I really did! But of course, I couldn't perform that feat of convolution, as they well knew. Eventually, I realized I had been duped and accepted my "inferior" position, a notion I eventually outgrew—thankfully!

The Apostle Paul took special pains to make sure believers understand that it makes no difference where the circumstances of life place us. "By faith in Christ you are in direct relationship with God. Your baptism in Christ was not just washing you up for a fresh start. It also involved dressing you in an adult faith wardrobe—Christ's life, the fulfillment of God's original promise. In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ." (Galatians 3:26-28) Some might argue with this, saying: Of course it makes a difference! Racial minorities, and women, and the physically challenged, and the disadvantaged and other groups have always had to struggle for their rights. People have never treated them like they are equal!

Peter didn't think people were equal either. He was a strict Jew, and as such he knew it was unlawful for him to keep company with those who were not. But God, wanting to prepare Peter to give the Gospel to a Gentile (!) man along with many of his relatives and friends, sent a vision to Peter. He saw a great sheet lowered from heaven holding all kinds of animals, birds, and creeping things, some of them "unclean" and unfit for a law-keeping Jew to eat. A voice instructed Peter to kill and eat the creatures, but he was horrified. "Peter said, 'Oh, no, Lord. I've never so much as tasted food that was not kosher.' The voice came a second time: 'If God says it's okay, it's okay.' This happened three times, and then the blanket was pulled back up into the skies." (Acts 10:14-16)

Much of present society persists in observing differences. Does that truly matter? Again, it is Paul who writes, "It matters very little to me what you think of me, even less where I rank in popular opinion. I don't even rank myself. Comparisons in these matters are pointless. I'm not aware of anything that would disqualify me from being a good guide for you, but that doesn't mean much. The Master makes that judgment." (I Corinthians 4:3, 4)

I wouldn't kiss my elbow if I could! God says we are all equal. If God says I'm okay, I'm okay!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Getting Over It

On an errand this morning, I needed to pass through the intersection where a number of months ago an out-of-town driver sped through a red light and tore off the front of my car. Since that incident, I usually avoid this corner. Today I proceeded with caution and felt sure I was safe, but my body reacted with anxiety—butterflies in my stomach which fluttered about for the next several minutes. "This is ridiculous!" I told myself, but nonetheless, the queasiness told me I was not "over it" yet.

Getting over trauma is something we expect of ourselves, sometimes too much and too quickly. Of course, an accident in which no one was seriously injured, although the vehicles were totaled, can hardly be compared to other things that can and do happen in women's lives. A partner who deserts, the loss of a child, domestic abuse, a destructive fire or flood, grave illness, financial ruin—these are far worse. If an accident that occurred two years ago still wilts me, why would I expect any of us to rebound fully from more severe shock in less time than that? We are not always kind; in fact, our critics say that the church is the only army that shoots its own wounded.

Well, perhaps we wouldn't "shoot" a hurting woman; we would be more apt just to abandon her. Why would we not be gentle and supportive when we encounter such a woman? Why are we so uncomfortable around her? Very often, it is because we don't know what to say. Often, too many words just get in the way. "I am thinking of you," or "I'm praying for you" may be entirely adequate. But another reason can be fear. What if her disaster is "contagious"? What if my husband left me, my child died, my home burned, my uterus had a cancer? When we are around the one who experiences these, we may wonder if we too are vulnerable—and we pull away, just a bit, just in case. Realizing this, we should be able to understand a little better why we may not get the immediate response of hope and help from others when we are the suffering one.

And why are we so hard on ourselves? It is not helpful for us to hear from someone, "It's been however-many years now. Isn't it time . . ." Or "Are you still . . ." Yet often we say such things to ourselves, gathering shame for having feelings. Do not listen! I am not advocating long-term self-pity, but am simply recognizing that time alone is not a healer. No more than I could control the butterflies circling in my stomach can we control the flash of emotion when we encounter certain sights, sounds, or other triggers for something deeply experienced. Feel it, validate it, possibly learn from it, then release it again.

Marjorie

If you are interested in the topic of recovery after trauma, read some of Genny's story on this blog [here] and about Mrs. Job on "Finding the Faith Way" [here].

The Discomfort of Distinction

In the not-too-distant past, little girls were supposed to be pretty—and that's about all. Back then they were trained to be "nice," quiet, and deferential to their elders and to men and boys. That was before they excelled at sports, found out that they were as good at math as many of the fellows, or realized they too could become members of Congress, corporate presidents, airline pilots, and postal carriers.

Many modern girls do not hesitate to take on any challenge they wish, but if one lived in that earlier era, it can be uncomfortable to be outstanding. "Standing out" was painful, even if it was for achievement; discomfort accompanied distinction. I remember being embarrassed by having the best grade in second-year algebra; I was teased by the other students for being "smart." What they didn't know is that I cried over my homework, and spent before-school hours with the teacher patiently explaining things to me once more. Countless times throughout life, I hid my achievement so that my quiet efforts would not be rewarded with someone's taunts. Others may have been the target of unwelcome attention for their attractiveness, their interest in art or music, their congeniality or even their (father's) occupation and money. They too suffered from the discomfort of distinction.

Many women, especially those of the past couple of generations, have difficulty accepting the gifts God has given them, or what they have developed through their lifetime. Even if they can recognize their own abilities—which often they cannot—they hesitate to let them be seen by others and thus profitably used. Do you think the "parable of the talents" applies here? (Matthew 25:14-30)

The Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a
long trip. He called together his servants and entrusted his money to them while
he was gone. He gave five talents (bags of silver) to one, two talents (bags of
silver) to another, and one talent (bag of silver) to the last—dividing it in
proportion to their abilities. He then left on his trip. The servant who
received the five bags of silver invested his master's money and earned five
more. The servant with two bags of silver also went to work and earned two
more. But the servant who received the one bag of silver dug a hole in the
ground and hid the master’s money."

When the master returned from his trip, he called the servants to give an
account for what he had entrusted to them. The men to whom he had given
the five bags and the two bags came forward with the added earnings from their
investments. The master was full of praise and rewarded them with gracious
words and the promise of a celebration. Then the servant with the
one bag of silver came and said, "Master, I knew you were an exacting man. I was
afraid I would lose your money and disappoint you, so I hid it in the earth.
Look, here is your money back." The master called that servant wicked and
lazy and punished him for not making profitable use of what had been entrusted
to him.

Success can actually be painful for the person who prefers to remain unnoticed, especially if they have been taught that this is how they must act. While this may look like humility, sometimes it really is not. It is an over-developed consciousness of oneself. After all, the predominant motivation of the servant who hid the money instead of investing it was distrust of his master and fear for himself. Is it right for us to give less than the best we can to an endeavor because we are more conscious of what people think than of what the Master thinks? "Someone may think I'm showing off . . . or trying to act smart . . . or just getting attention . . . or whatever . . . "

No, go ahead and be the best chocolate cake baker and put your recipe in the church cookbook. It's okay if someone tells you how great your musical performance or your PTO chairmanship or your help at the community yard sale was; just say "Thank you." And don't be embarrassed by offering small things: a call, a casserole, a compliment.

Because what if Jesus were to think we are lazy and careless and afraid of Him?

Marjorie

Saying "No"

Perhaps I would like to give to the organizations that call for my donation: the veterans' groups, the Heart Association, the Diabetes Research Foundation, the Cancer Society, my alumni association, and the sponsors of law enforcement benefits. First of all, I don't buy or give over the phone—period. But if I did, would I be able to do all they ask, and still pay my utility bill? No.

I get letters in the mail too, and I'd like to send all of them a nice check: the veterans' groups and the Salvation Army and Easter Seals and a local hospice. All good causes, but can I do that and buy groceries too? No.

The United Way coordinator at work expects me to pledge. Every visiting missionary at church would like for me to pledge. The local NPR station wants me to pledge. Quasi-political organizations ask me to pledge. Can I respond to all of them? No.

A young salesman comes to the door: Will I buy candles or stationery so he can win a trip, and this will "keep young people off the street." The Girl Scouts come: Buy cookies so I can go to camp. A man comes with vacuum cleaners, another with citrus fruit. Am I able to buy stuff I don't really want or need to help people win prizes or even earn their livelihood? No. (The grandkids come: Grandma, will you buy cookie dough or refrigerator magnets or candles or stationery? Why yes, of course. That's different!)

And it isn't just money. "We need volunteers at the free-meal center . . . in our vacation Bible School . . . to be a literacy tutor . . . to be a Big Brother/Big Sister . . . at the re-sale store . . . to drive on the field trip." There is not time and energy enough to do all that. So the answer is "No."

Why is it so hard to say "No"? Often it is because we feel dumb, or we're anxious about the goodwill of others, or afterwards we feel guilty. But sometimes it is just because we have so seldom asserted our right to choose. We are the ones responsible for determining our behavior and realizing its consequences, and no amount of coercion should sway us from that. We do not have to justify our decision, even if it is illogical, by giving reasons or excuses. (Well, maybe to the grandkids!)

When should you say "No"? When "no" is what you want to say. When "no" is what you mean. If "no" is really the message, then don't say "Well . . ." or "I'm not sure . . ." Say "No," clearly and, if necessary, persistently.

How do you say "No"?
First, put your tongue to your palate just behind your front teeth, and vocalize. That is N.
Make a round opening with your lips; vocalize. That is O.
N-O.
There, that wasn't so hard, was it? With practice you can become quite fluent in this expression!

Marjorie

Ahead of the Culture

We don't always get a clear picture of Bible women when we extract only certain examples from the Scripture. There was the disobedient Eve and the treacherous Jezebel and Lot's reluctant wife. If we conclude that this is "how women were," we miss the grand challenge of Esther and Abigail and Mary of Bethany and the lesser-known Dorcas and the daughters of Zelophehad. If we focus on Abram's lies about his wife or Jephthah's ignorant treatment of his daughter and believe that all women were treated as property, we are not taking into account Elkanah's love for Hannah or Barak's confidence in Deborah's leadership. If we take a narrow view of Sarai as the submissive wife and of the silenced women at Corinth, we may say, "And this is how women should be." I doubt that there is any woman described in Scripture whose life we can take in every single aspect and relate it to our own.

­­­I have come to the conclusion that whatever one has determined a Christian woman should be, Scripture can be found to corroborate that view! Women have, for a long time, recognized that organized religion lags somewhat behind our other social institutions, in that it does not grant to a large number of them equal opportunities along with men to participate in ministry and leadership and to represent faithfully the cause of Christ. Most often the rationale for their exclusion is, "That rule is straight from the Bible. Just read . . . [whatever Scripture seems to support the position]."

If we do "just read the Scripture," we may find something quite different than we have supposed. God was not, and is not sexist. In both the Old and New Testaments, we find some women of faith who were remarkably ahead of the culture around them. Many scholars agree that Jesus brought new dignity to women by including them among His followers, but long before that, the creation passages tell us that both man and woman were created in God's image. "So God created man [not just a man, but a whole new species: human beings] in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27 NIV) I am quite confident that God did not intend us to be second-class citizens!

For some of us, claiming our selves as Christian women is an arduous task. Our religious training, our early authorities, and the role models they prescribed for us have a great impact on how we see ourselves. We cannot change those early influences, but we can examine them. It is not wrong to do so, in fact, it is essential to spiritual growth. Part of maturity is learning to evaluate our beliefs. "Is what I am thinking based on what the Scripture says or only on what someone says it says? Am I considering the whole tone of Scripture or only a selection of 'proof' texts? Has more recent Biblical scholarship improved the understanding we had fifty or a hundred or two hundred years ago?"

A huge factor in how we see ourselves is how we presently permit others to relate to us. Here it is difficult to determine—like deciding which came first, the chicken or the egg—what is cause and what is effect. In some sense, we teach people how they can treat us by what we think of our own selves; on the other hand, how people treat us affects that self-evaluation. Whichever it is, cause or effect, we as individuals are the only ones who can break the unhappy cycle. Whether by personal reflection, serious Bible study, counsel from others, re-framing the past, or intellectual decision, gaining an appropriate self-esteem is a goal to be pursued. You may or may not be ahead of most of the culture around you, but wherever your opinion comes to rest along the wide spectrum of thought concerning the wisdom and worth of women, there will be others on either side!

You can probably even find a Biblical counterpart!

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

It's Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood

Many people have used the line that titles this article. It sells books and articles, programs of hypnotherapy and inner healing, workshops, and even a nutritional supplement. People like novelist Tom Robbins and motivational speaker Wayne Dwyer say it's so, and I believe it as well.

You may be quite aware that some infants exhibit the syndrome called "failure to thrive." They simply do not grow as they should. In many of these cases there is no apparent organic disorder; the growth failure occurs because of environmental neglect (basically, lack of food which can be caused in a number of ways) or stimulus deprivation. Stimulation may be lacking because of the caregivers' anxiety, apathy, hostility or other stresses not all of which are the adult's "fault." The baby can become depressed, apathetic, and ultimately unwilling or unable to eat.

News to me, although perhaps not to you, is the geriatric syndrome, "failure to thrive." Some elderly patients with declining health and strength, including those who do not have an acute illness or a severe chronic disease, undergo a process of functional decline, progressive apathy, and a loss of willingness to eat and drink that ends in death. Often the cause of the deterioration is not identifiable, but it should not be dismissed as a necessary part of aging. All of this to say: The medical profession recognizes that at both ends of life, it is critical to receive the care we need—not only physical nourishment, but the comfort, acceptance, and hope that others can provide. And all the years in between, we never outgrow that need.

Although our physical growth may not have been stunted by some degree of negligence, nevertheless, some of us still have inside us the little person we once were who did not have the opportunity to flourish. We grew into adolescence and then adulthood with some basic needs unmet, in most cases not because we were not loved, but because our parents or guardians did not know how to nurture a child. They probably had inside of themselves the little persons they once were who had not been nurtured. If we did not—and if we do not—receive the encouragement and acceptance we need from others, we must be certain to provide it for ourselves.

Part of growing up is learning how to take care of oneself: how to bathe and how to fry an egg, how to press clothes and drive safely, how to write a check and get up in time for work. What we sometimes never learn, because we don't realize that we need to, is how to make good decisions, how to love and forgive, how to trust and treat ourselves with respect, how to be happy. If we did not learn it earlier, that is our task as a grownup now.

Some people take this very literally, suggesting that you spend time with your "inner child" every day, breathing deeply and noticing what she wants and needs. Do some of your favorite childhood activities. (Sorry, I just can't see myself climbing trees again!) Find and frame a photo from your childhood; talk to that adorable little girl and enjoy her company. Hang out with children. Bring back naptime; curl up with a blankie and have a nap. (Now this I can see!)

If you had a less-than-happy childhood, and these are helpful, then by all means, enjoy! But the real issue, I think, is creating for our selves the same atmosphere of warmth and caring that lets infants and the elderly thrive. Having a happy childhood at a later stage of life may include—but does not necessarily require—re-creating those younger days, doing all the fun stuff you missed, making up for some earlier, real or imagined deprivation. What it might mean is a healthful diet or dental care or counseling that was out of reach when we were children. It might mean going back to school or traveling or taking up an interest that was not possible before. It might mean telling family members or friends, "I need your support in this."

If we think about it, we are probably not all that far from knowing what it means.

Marjorie

Read from my other blog, "Finding the Faith Way," the article Goodbye to a Person You Once Knew.

Roses, and Some Women I Know

A disclaimer: I am not a rosarian! I do have an area beside my home that I lovingly call "a rose garden," so I have been reading about different kinds of roses and their culture. Among my friends, I find some similarities to these wonderful flowers.

Greenhouse plants are cultivated for their singular beauty. There will not be a lot of flowers, maybe only one, but it will be "perfect." On the other hand, some garden climbers bloom so profusely that the trellis or fence supporting them is covered with roses and the ground beneath has been showered with petals. They are smaller flowers, true, and not so delicately formed, but the lavish display makes up for that difference.

To satisfy the American taste for what is big and bright, flower breeders have produced new strains of roses that have giant, long-lasting flowers in stunning colors. Along the way, though, most of the fragrance has been inadvertently bred out of some of those specimens. Many mass-produced roses have no detectable scent at all. Some of the garden-grown ones, however, are so sweet that one cut bloom can make a whole room fragrant.

If roses are obtained from a florist, they were probably cut before they were in full bloom, perhaps still only buds. The thorns will have been removed, and the stems tended carefully so that the flowers stay beautiful for several days inside one's home. Roses in the garden may not last as long, exposed as they are to the elements, pests, and disease. Some buds get damaged and never form a full flower. They have kept their thorns, however, to protect themselves from children and dogs, and many kinds bloom again and again throughout the season to please the rose-lover.

Need I explain the analogies? It's enough, I think, to say that all kinds of roses are lovely. And women whose experiences differ greatly and whose lives have not all been formed in the same way are equally lovely and valuable.

Marjorie