To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.
Genny talks about getting help in recovery from her abusive home situation.
Marjorie: When you did finally realize that the kind of power play and control you were experiencing is actually abuse, you didn't tell anybody. Why not?
Genny: Who would believe it? And anyway, I was ashamed. I was a legal assistant, for heaven's sake! You'd think I would be smart enough to know . . .
M: It's not always a matter of being smart enough. But you've mentioned counseling. Was there someone that you and Jim saw?
G: Yes, twice, maybe three times. I decided we needed marriage counseling, but it turned out to be a lot more serious than just learning how to communicate with each other. Jim agreed to go because he knew we were in trouble; his heretofore mild-mannered little wife had declared that we were! After the first few sessions when the counselor began to get a feel for what was going on and began to probe a little, Jim got defensive—all right, really hostile—so much so that he pushed me away, and the counselor told me later that he was afraid for me after we left. Of course, then Jim refused to go back. He called me judgmental and treacherous for consulting a professional, but I knew in my heart that simply was not true. I continued in counseling, off and on, for about a year and a half, even after Jim and I were no longer together. The counselor suggested some books to read and journaling and group support too. Those were helpful to me.
I don't think people should be hesitant to get professional help. It's not weakness to have a doctor set a broken bone or prescribe medicine for your diabetes or to have a lawyer advise about a legal tangle. So we should get over being ashamed to have someone help us with other kinds of difficulty. I believe too that the kind of counselor a person has is so important. You have to have someone who is understanding but who will also help you face the truth.
M: How does one find such a counselor? Would you go to your pastor or other religious leader, or check the Yellow Pages, or what?
G: Oh no, don't check the Yellow Pages! I can't really tell anyone how to find the right person, but I think you might look for a counselor the same way you would look for a doctor. Ask someone. I understand from experience the shame and not wanting anyone to know, but you simply have to find someone who can help. You must tell. There are probably very few women under this kind of duress who can think through or even pray through their situation all alone. The local women's crisis center can help guide a woman toward professional assistance. Or there might even be someone she knows who has needed the kind of help she needs; ask them who they consulted. Ask them whether it was helpful; would they see that person again if necessary? That can be a start, or it may show who not to consult!
M: But how about one's spiritual advisor? Surely he or she can be trusted?
G: Umm, I want to be very cautious here. To tell you the truth, not very many pastors have training that is specific to abusive relationships. I think this training is quite necessary. And too, most pastors are not really able to invest the time that rehabilitation would take--because that's what it will be for the couple, rehab. It's not the same as pre-martial counseling or even counseling when a marriage is in trouble. The answer is not going to present itself in forty-five minutes of conversation and a brief prayer. And sadly, many pastors' understanding of the marriage relationship is much the same as the abuser's: The head of the home (the man) rules--period. The wife is expected to be quiet and submissive and obedient, and if there's a problem with that, she just needs to be more submissive and more obedient.
M: So lots of people, even some counselors, are going to see the abuse as the woman's fault, something she is doing or not doing?
G: I'm afraid that's so. Of course, I can't deny that there are women that are impossible to live with peaceably! But even that is no excuse for beating on them either physically or verbally. It's unlawful to attack people physically, and many psychologists will tell you that other, non-physical kinds of beatings do as much or more damage. It is not the victim's fault. We may blame ourselves, but it is not our fault. The only thing we have done wrong--wrong, as in being mistaken--is tolerating the abuse and then accepting the blame for it. The crux of the matter is that there is something basic in the abuser that needs changing. He or she has to give up the idea that they have the right to control everything--this other person, their environment, even God. The abuse was not about me; it was about Jim.
M: But did you ever feel guilty, like maybe it was partly your fault?
G: Not so much. That's why good counseling is so important. People who would have us believe that there are formulas to fix every marriage might tell me I should feel guilty. But professionals whose business this is, such as my counselor and the authors I read, say "No." Again, my only "fault" was accepting the abuse. My biggest mistake was believing that what Jim said was the truth. The counselor asked me, "Does Jim saying harsh, angry things make them so?" My response was, "If he says it loud enough and long enough, I start to believe it." So the counselor loaned me his book, Telling Yourself the Truth. I had to get past the excusing, which was what Jim did for himself. I had to face the fact that his behavior was not an aberration. He considered himself a victim—of his parents, of the schools and the Church, of Christian counselors, of his ex-wife, of the court system, of his employers, of life in general. And because he was a victim, he had the desire and perhaps even the "right" to hurt other people. From my reading, I know now that he was the classic abuser, and I was the classic spouse who could not understand why this was happening.
M: So then abuse is not about some failure on the part of the one who's on the receiving end?
G: Only in the sense that she—more often than not it's "she"—tolerates it. I learned that I had fed and perpetuated Jim's abuse. I read somewhere that we teach people how to treat us, so I was actually teaching Jim that he could treat me badly, and I would still be kind and gentle. And that I would still be around to cook his meals and do the laundry and pick up after him!
To be continued.
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