To read all previously published parts, click on "Genny's Story" in the labels column at the left. Note that entries appear in reverse order, the most recent on top.
Genny explains why she was so long in dealing with her situation
Marjorie: I know there can be many factors keeping women in traumatic situations—fear of being alone, financial instability, the children, just plain uncertainty. But maybe denial is what keeps a lot of women in their abusive homes.
Genny: Yes, I think so. But giving it up is really hard. The truth can be very difficult to look at.
M: And why is that?
G: Lots of reasons. People's opinion of you, not wanting to expose the person you have loved, feeling like a failure. But for me, the huge obstacle was a whole group of religious issues. I was very active in our church. Jim was less involved, but still much loved and respected. People actually admired our marriage! I just couldn't stand to humiliate us both by admitting that anything was wrong. And even though he was very wrong in his treatment of me, I had no desire to ruin his name among our church friends. I think our pastors would have been understanding and compassionate, and I can see, looking back, that there may have been a couple of other friends I could have turned to. They say to me now, "I wish I had known. I wish I could have been there for you." But many people in our church still have very conservative beliefs about the marriage relationship. I'm not sure they--especially Jim's friends--would have been that openhearted. First of all, some wouldn't have believed it was true, and secondly, some surely would have blamed me. I just wasn't ready for that. So you can see that this was an area of real conflict for me.
M: You know, Genny, I may have some readers who, like you, have strong ties to conservative churches, and these men and women may feel that what you have described in our earlier conversations about submission and servitude is indeed a wife's role. What would you say to them?
G: Throughout Scripture, I believe, women as well as men are invited into relationship with God. Even the creation passages can be understood in ways that do not relegate women to a secondary place. In the New Testament, it is the clear expectation that both men and women will live lives that display the fruit of the Spirit and represent the cause of Christ well. The "woman passages" that seem so troublesome in Paul's letters almost certainly spoke to a particular problem in a specific church. They do not present a view of women that is consistent with his teachings or his relationships as defined in other passages.
The Apostle Paul is very clear that in Christ, there is no male or female, bond or free, and so forth. Nowhere does he teach that submission is one-way, that is, women--and wives in particular--to men. It just is not there. Submission to each other is one of the ways that love and honor are expressed between husband and wife. Before Paul speaks about the responsibilities of women and of men, he says, "Submit to one another, or be subject to one another, out of reverence for Christ." Or put another way, "Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another."
M: And now that we've brought up religious beliefs—if and when it becomes clear that a woman, specifically a Christian woman, cannot survive in her abusive situation, what options do you think she has?
G: She has all the options that there are. Let me name some. First of all, there is just leaving, one or the other of the couple decides to move out, or maybe they can even decide together that would be best for everyone. But do not delay if your safety is threatened. Get out of there--now! And use every means, every legal avenue available, to ensure your peace and well-being.
There is just toughing it out, the worst option of all, and any more I don't even consider it a viable one. There is so much more to life than just waiting for your husband to die! Several years ago—and I have forgotten the source—I ran across, in a national news magazine, the personal account of an abused woman whose husband was killed in a highway accident. In the article, she stated that she was glad he was dead. A storm of angry letters was the response. "How dare she say such a thing?" "How can she be so cold-hearted?" "That's the same as murder." And so on. How preposterous is it for us to tell someone how they should feel? She didn't kill him even though she may have wished that he would die; she was just relieved and grateful that he was gone.
M: So waiting and wishing might be an option, but it's not a very good one! What are other possibilities?
G: Well, as Christian women, we don't want to consider murder as an option, but a great many good church folk think divorce is almost that bad. There's always a big laugh when someone says of their marriage, "Oh no, we never ever considered divorce. But murder? Oh yes, many times!" So are we to conclude that murder would be preferable to divorce? It's supposed to be a joke, but it is so not funny, because divorce is, in fact, one of the options. Yes, I am aware of church regulations, and I know many women who say, "Divorce is absolutely not an option." Then for them, it is not an option. But when a woman asks whether divorce can be an option, she probably is thinking, "Yes, I know it is, but what I'm really asking is, Will God be mad at me? Or, Will I go to hell?" I am convinced that God is more concerned about relationship than law. I cannot believe that He is pleased with someone—man or woman—being trapped in a non-marriage where the bond is already irreparably severed.
Some churches take the position that there are only certain "Biblical permissions" for divorce, usually citing adultery and abandonment. Well, how do we define those? Is adultery only an extra-marital affair, or could it also be conscious emotional entanglement, unfaithfulness at the heart level? Is abandonment the term for physically deserting one's spouse, or does it apply also to the person who may be present in the home but has long since forsaken his vows? These questions are something only the woman herself can decide, but she must be aware that if she makes a decision counter to the church "rules," she may then have to form a different church connection.
M: And what if the woman believes divorce is absolutely not an option?
G: There are other alternatives. Even if a woman feels she dare not divorce, she perhaps could consider separation—legally separated so as to make clear the financial and custodial issues. Sometimes that even provokes the husband to file for divorce, which is another possible outcome.
Then there is annulment, which actually does not dissolve the marriage but declares that it never existed. This has been misused sometimes to remedy general unhappiness with one's spouse, but still, it is a valid legal action. Each state has laws governing annulment just as they have for divorce; most generally those deal with fraud, concealment of facts, or the incapacity to enter into marriage. This sounds strange, I know, but it does happen.
M: Options aren't really "solutions," are they? It must be extremely difficult for a woman to sort out all of this alone.
G: Yes, so add to the reasons you gave for why women stay, "paralysis." They just don't know what to do. Regardless of what an abused woman chooses to do, finding her way is likely to be traumatic. Leaving a marriage is not going to be pleasant, easy, quick, or cheap. It can even be dangerous. Some men become vindictive; they threaten, harass, stalk, do damage, or even inflict physical harm. But when staying is no longer possible, she simply has to leave. I cannot emphasize too much: Get wise professional counsel.
To be continued.
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