Boundaries

Something I wish I had known 50 years ago:

· That relationships need boundaries.
· That boundaries are necessary for good relationships.
· That unless there are boundaries, relationships will suffer.
· That for relationships to be happy, there must be clear boundaries.
· etc. etc. etc!

Is it clear yet, that I favor relationship boundaries?

Although there is a proliferation of books, videos, and TV programs that might have offered guidance for my messiest relationships, some of those really can't be taken seriously, and so I tended to discount them all. What I really needed was someone to give me Scriptural principles for establishing boundaries in my relationships.

I needed to know that I was genuinely loved. God's purpose in human relationships was to provide for some of our core needs such as security, acceptance and significance. He formed a beautiful creation which included one human, but "then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.' " (Genesis 2:18) If a friendship is deep and intimate, both persons should share in that. If it is only casual, both should honor the limits. Sometimes our ideas clash about what love would look like in a particular situation; a disconnect can easily lead to doing or saying the wrong thing. "Spell it out" as necessary.

I needed to know that I could insist on honesty. "So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. " (Ephesians 4:25) "Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous? Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies!" (Psalm 34:12, 13) Many relationships are based on pretense—face it, most romantic friendships start out like that! However, a deep and long-lasting comradeship must be an honest one. Hidden agendas do not make for a healthy relationship.

I needed to know that threats to my physical safety or sense of security were unacceptable. "Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city." (Proverbs 16:32) "I didn't mean what I said," cannot completely remove the sting of those words. The angry person is the only one who thinks he/she didn't mean what they said. "You'll just have to accept me as I am," is not good enough for me (or God).

I needed to know, Can I count on you? "A friend is always loyal, and a brother [sister, too!] is born to help in time of need." (Proverbs 17:17) "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (I Corinthians 13:7) Does this mean I expect my friends to agree with me, right or wrong? Certainly not—as Senator Carl Schurz said in the Senate on February 29, 1872, "My country, right or wrong; if right, to be kept right; and if wrong, to be set right." A loyal friend will stick with me until we arrive at what is good and right.

God uses human relationships to teach us about our relationship with Him. We are part of the family of God; He is our Father, Jesus our Elder Brother, and there are many other brothers and sisters in Christian fellowship. Christ and His Church are portrayed as a marriage relationship. We are servants of Christ, but also His friends. In all of these, we can know with certainty that we are unfailingly loved; that we can depend on knowing how we stand with God; that He seeks our good and not some manipulative, hidden plan; and that we can, without fear, count on Him.

The "boundaries" in our relationship with God are very simple. "The Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8) Boundaries in human relationships are not all that different.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Source of the Schurz quote: http://www.bartleby.com/73/1641.html