Children Seen and Not Heard

In a department store one day, I heard a man bark to the corps of small children around him, "Children—" It was said with such authority that if there had been other children within twenty feet, they would have run to him obediently too. The youngsters were without question quiet and well-behaved. Why did I feel a vague sense of discomfort? It was something in the tone of his voice, and the palpable apprehension of his children.

I felt something else too. Where had I heard that commanding tone before? Oh yes, Captain von Trapp in the "Sound of Music" who ordered his children about in military fashion with little love and no grace at all. I didn't know the man in the store—nor did I want to.

Another father—this one I knew—snapped his fingers and beckoned sternly for his children to fall in at his side. He was proud of their disciplined obedience. And I would have been too. Of my dog.

A couple of generations ago, when my parents were children, they were sort of non-persons. "Children should be seen and not heard," was the prevailing attitude, coming probably out of the fifteenth century in England and applying specifically to young women! Many children of my generation, especially in conservative communities, experienced the same restriction in our homes. I wonder why? We were loved, I am sure, but somehow positive interaction, especially in public, was not the norm. Certainly, children must learn appropriate social behavior, but that is not acquired in a vacuum; real-life practice is the better way and it needs to begin early. Just because we see some children and young people who are badly behaved, we should not expect to limit communication and deny the privilege of choice to all!

Fortunately by the time I was rearing a family, many of us had learned there are approaches other than "Children should not be heard." My very young daughter and I were eating in a restaurant once, seated where we could see another family nearby. She said to me in surprise, "Look Mama, they're not talking!" This was strange to her, because while we ate, we always chatted about the things that had happened during the day, or the plans we were making. Sometimes school lunch rooms do have an "Eat silently" rule because there are just so many children, but when a family meal includes no conversation, she thought there must be something wrong! (And indeed, there may have been.) I now see the benefit in her own children who are at ease when carrying on conversation with an adult, but without being excessively noisy and intrusive or whiny and argumentative.

Will children who are allowed to express themselves misbehave sometimes? Of course. Will they embarrass us sometimes? Oh my, yes! But consider the alternative. I have to wonder about those children who are silenced all the while they are growing up. As adults, especially young women, will they know that they have worthwhile opinions? Will they trust their own judgment? Will they be able to express themselves clearly and courteously? Will they understand that manipulating and controlling other people is unfair? Will they respect one another? After all, children learn what they live. And then, later, they live what they have learned.

Marjorie

A Helper

If it were not for the King James Bible, we probably wouldn't even have the word some people have chosen to use as the description of woman's place in the world. "And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.' " (Genesis 2:18) And I wouldn't have just read a book called "Created to Be His Help Meet." The author, Debi Pearl, and her husband have founded a ministry on their interpretation of Scriptures having to do with family and home. I read a great many different types of books: for education, enlightenment, edification, and entertainment. It necessarily follows that I'll run across those with which I cannot agree. This book is just such a book.

First of all, "help meet" is not a term God used for the woman He planned to make, and it is something of a mistake to call her that. This is more than mere semantics. "Meet," usually a verb, takes the form here of a modifier to describe the kind of help: one that was suitable for him, comparable to him, an appropriate counterpart. I am not a Hebrew scholar, but my reference books indicate that the word used implies similitude. She would be like him. Adam had just finished naming all the animals—quite a task!—and he surely must have noted that all the living creatures had company with others that were similar, if not completely alike, in nature and habits. He alone was without a companion. He apparently was ready for verbal communication, calling out the name of each kind of animal, but they did not answer. We can assume that none had the power of speech except the Satan-serpent who was superior to all the rest. Eve was made "for" Adam for the same reason Adam was formed by God for Himself—for relationship. Although made from Adam's side, she too was in God's image.

The author says women are not partners with their husbands but were created to serve and satisfy him, and "God's ultimate goal for you is to meet your man's needs." In her role as a Titus 2 woman (the older women teaching the younger to love their husbands, be keepers at home, etc.), she lays out for women everywhere her description of a help meet, accompanied by Scriptures which, if followed, will assure a "glorious marriage." Apparently, when some women read this book, a fire is lighted in their hearts and they say, "Oh yes, I see! This is my calling!" If that is how one understands Scripture and the whole of God's plan—not just Genesis—then that is what she should live out. Serving a man does perhaps suit the gifts and temperaments of some women—and the men married to them.

But I submit that when others read, a different kind of fire is lighted in them and they say, "This is not us." (Note: not just me, but us.) Both readers are right. If both follow the path God has laid out for them, they do not need to make a pronouncement that encompasses every woman everywhere in every era. As I see it, the whole submission/silence/obedience issue is laid out along a continuum. It extends all the way from the non-person who is subsumed by her husband and the woman who lets herself be abused because she has no rights in her own personhood to the couple who see themselves as equals more alike than different, as true partners and companions. It is not up to me to decide where somebody else should be on that line of many points, and certainly not to declare that The Plan of God for Marriage looks the same for everybody.

The Proverbs 31 woman, long held as the ideal, probably nowadays is not seeking wool and flax for spinning; she does not dress in fine linen and purple, nor make garments and sashes to sell. Not having any maidservants, it is not necessary for her to make provision for them. She is not likely to be into real estate, buying and selling fields and vineyards. Those who hold this Scripture up as the standard will explain that we are not to take this old description literally, but are to use the principles therein. My point exactly. The wife may be a teacher or a waitress or a bank president, with a husband who is proud of her achievements and influence. He is not necessarily active in city government either; in fact, he may be the at-home parent with a grateful, wage-earning wife. I know a number of women who have/had a ministry calling even before marriage, and the husband-to-be pledged a supporting role, financially and spiritually. This is not being weak or effeminate. He is protecting and providing for more than just the woman he is asking to marry him; he is charged with some of the responsibility for her effectiveness in ministry as well

The Apostle Paul admonished wives' obedience so that the Gospel would not be shamed, but that was then. Those who try to lay the template of masterful husband/obedient wife on today's society are more apt to bring discredit to the Gospel, I think, than the couple who genuinely care for each other's welfare and don't pay a whole lot of attention to who is being "served" at any given time. (I actually know people like that!) It is no small thing to be a help or "helper," whether it happens to be the husband or wife. The Holy Spirit is a Helper, yet nowhere is He pictured as a servant to us or beneath us in any way simply because He is our helper. It is just as mistaken to consider the helping woman an inferior being who was created solely to serve a husband—or by extension, men in general.

Marjorie

Red Flags

A few nights ago, I drove through a part of the city where street repair is underway, carefully threading my way around barriers, warning signs, and caution lights. At one particularly dark section, I saw a driver who had missed a turn; his pickup truck and large trailer were off the road, stalled in an excavated area. The driver seemed to be all right, but I imagined that some time and expense were going to be involved in getting him safely back on his way: a visit from the police, a tow truck, maybe a visit to the ER to be sure he really was okay, some vehicle repair, and perhaps a call from the construction company.

We've all done it—failed to heed some warning sign of danger ahead in our life journey. Maybe we didn't see the sign, or seeing it, we did not understand what it meant. Maybe we didn't want to understand; we didn't want to be suspicious or overly cautious. Maybe we were just naïve. Whatever the reason, failing to heed the warning sign landed us in the ditch, so to speak. And then we lament, "If I had just gone with my first impression . . . "

One of the advantages we gain as we mature is the ability to pick up on warning signs. We recognize suspicious activity. We get an idea of how to tell when someone is misrepresenting their product or themselves. We accept that "when something is too good to be true, it usually is." We learn what the warning signs look like.

Unfortunately, not all people and events come with visible or audible warning signs. We have to rely on another kind of perception. We admit, "I just have a feeling . . ." This intuitiveness is not in the province of women alone. Maybe we ordinarily pay more attention to it because we're expected to. Or maybe not. Probably everyone has it to a greater or lesser degree, unconsciously relying on patterns we have experienced or observed but which we may not be aware of having classified and stored in our brain catalog. Learn to trust this instinct. We can be mistaken, of course, but more often than not, we'll be grateful we followed it.

God is a part of this perception too. Scripture relates the experiences of people who acted contrary to a reasoned-out manner because of a God-given dream or vision (Abraham, Jesus' adoptive father Joseph, the wise men, Pilate's wife, and many others), a inner knowing (the Apostle Paul, the Philadelphian church), or a sense that not everything was as it seemed (Jesus, Paul). Learn to trust this "discernment."

Following these red flags is not fool-proof. People make mistakes, sometimes very serious ones as in racial profiling—or gender profiling, or age profiling, or religious profiling, and the like. But on the smaller scale of our own personal lives and our day-to-day encounters, we will probably do well to go with our "gut feeling." It just may be a Gott-feeling (German for God).

Marjorie

A Crying Shame

Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule.
It made the children laugh and play to see a lamb at school.

Poor Mary! Perhaps the teacher reproved her, "Mary, don't you know that you mustn't bring your pet lamb to school?"

Mary would have been respectful, not defending herself by explaining, "But I didn't bring her! She followed me."

Nevertheless, the teacher made the lamb stay outside, and throughout the day, whenever its little bleat was heard through the open windows, the children pointed at Mary and laughed. Mary sank far down into her seat, ashamed.

That's fiction, of course, but not unlike my experience as a very young student. My family was responsible for providing the milk for the school lunches prepared each day at our rural school. As we walked across the field one morning, carrying our jugs of milk, one of the barn kittens followed, intent upon having breakfast. All the way to school she pursued me, in spite of my tearful insistence that she go back home. Although I endured no scolding from the teacher, still I was thoroughly ashamed—as if there were anything I could have done differently. I remember the feeling to this day.

We can assuage guilt, the feeling we have when our actions are wrong. We make amends for these interpersonal wrongdoings by apologizing, making restitution, and changing our future interaction. But shame is not so easily handled; it strikes the very self when we are forced to think about what we see as our personal deficiencies. There are many: Our size, shape, personal attractiveness and sexuality. Our intelligence, skill, and ability to compete. Our dependence on something or someone, and our assessment of self-worth. Our fears about closeness and being seen and known, and the contrasting fears about being unlovable and alone.

There are also a number of other negative emotions that belong to the shame family. Embarrassment or even extreme self-consciousness might be our shame experience in a social setting, humiliation what we feel when we suffer a shaming attack by someone else, mortification as being "ashamed to death." These nuances of shame follow the exposure of something we wanted to keep to ourselves. And then sometimes we feel ashamed of feeling shame!

Unfortunately, we think shame is a powerful motivator toward good behavior and a detractor from bad. It sometimes begins when we are very young. "Look at this! You are a terrible dish washer." "Somebody with your brains should be making A's, not B's." (A camouflaged jab.) "If you're fat, the boys won't like you." It may continue throughout our lifetime. "Why don't you watch what you're doing?" (There is no possible answer to this question.) "You're telling me you didn't know that salesman was a crook?" "Any new hire could do this job better than you're doing it." If we are the one handing out the shame, we may assume that a healthy dose will correct the situation, and thereafter the other person will behave in a manner acceptable to us. We are mistaken.

If we are on the receiving end, we probably do realize that shame is not likely to produce positive results. Very often we are unable to handle realistically the information that has been given to us—whether true or not is beside the point—and take the steps necessary to repair our identity or reframe the image we have of ourselves. So we take the shame route.

* We may withdraw by turning away from the offending situation, hiding, acting shy, running away, or becoming silent.

* We may attack ourselves by demeaning and punishing ourselves to earn others' favor and avoid "abandonment." Sometimes it is wisdom to be deferential—"Yes, officer, I was speeding. I'll be more careful, sir"—but we need not put ourselves down as though everyone around us is much bigger and more powerful than we are.

* We may avoid the shaming, using anything we can to make the feeling go away without dealing with the causes. Shame tries to cover itself with undue pride about one's self and accomplishments; it is also soluble in alcohol and other chemicals.

* We may attack others, using anything we think will reduce their self-worth: put downs even under the guise of "joking," blame and contempt, malicious accusations whether or not they're true, physical abuse, and sexual mistreatment.

As I see it, shame is a very basic human problem. In the Garden of Eden, after having eaten of the forbidden tree, Adam and Eve had that experience. "At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” “Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:7-11)

Contrary to Freudian psychology, their shame was not the result of nakedness itself so much as the sudden (unpurposed) realization that their freedom had the potential for good or evil use. Only this knowledge, knowledge that God had not intended for them to have, made them feel ashamed and afraid. The descendants of these first parents, in all the centuries since then, have suffered the pain of shame and fear. It is part of the human condition, not easily escaped.

We feel safer when our "deficiencies" are exposed if we are protected by love and/or acceptance. On a purely human level, this is a great gift we can give each another. But the ultimate love and acceptance and the ultimate release from shame is part of God's redemptive plan. The shame that cannot be ignored or relieved by self-denigration, that cannot be bluffed away or compensated for, can be healed by pursuing the pathway of God's love. "Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame." (Isaiah 50:7) "Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth [your early history] and the sorrows of widowhood [inferring losses, unproductiveness, and reproach]." (Isaiah 54:4) We cannot escape being human, so we may not find a way around every shame-producing circumstance. Christ, however, exposed Himself to every form of human shame and is ready to show us the way through.

Marjorie

On my Finding the Faith Way blog, read some additional thoughts about Adam [here].
and "Things Mama Taught Me: Shame on You" [here].

An interesting discussion on shame is located at http://www.christiantherapist.com/online/news/ShameAndAffect.htm

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.