Those words can be callous and hurtful if stated with disregard for the feelings of other people who find themselves in unhappy circumstances. It probably should not be said at all, but only kept in mind by those of us who tend to take on the task of seeing that everyone around us is happy! That is not our problem! Not our job! Not our calling!
Women sometimes assume this care-taking mindset because of their place as wives, mothers, and workers in many of the helping professions. In these situations, we may have special responsibility for the well-being of those around us, but not for their happiness. That is up to them. Happiness is a choice, even a decision. No one can make another happy, and unfortunately some people are satisfied only if they have something to be unhappy about! We do not have to let such people intimidate us by their expectations—even if they are children or genuinely needy individuals or sincere folks who want us to further their religious project. We do not have the time, talents, money, or physical and emotional energy to make them all happy. It's not our problem!
This is not to say that we should not give thoughtful consideration to requests or demands that come our way. We have probably already learned that it is all right to say "no." What we don't much like is the fallout of our decision if the asker does not accept our answer gracefully. The child may get all pouty. The individual who wanted our resources may be upset. The project leader may be visibly disappointed in us. But that is not our problem!
Well, actually the child may become our problem if we're the parent. "If you need to pout about this, you will have to go to your room to do it." Otherwise, people's responses are their responsibility. Being happy is their problem, not ours.
Marjorie
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
What Price Cleverness?
Some people have an incredible need to show off, to create shock, or to be considered funny. It can start very early, as most parents know. The youngster, sans diaper, prances through the living room where company is sitting. The college student takes distinct pleasure in rattling the professor with some inane question. The jokester always tops the last story.
Several incidents coming to my attention recently have reminded me of this. A singer/stand-up comedian made several insensitive, even vulgar, comments in an interview. Facing the ensuing firestorm, he apologized at length, very publicly, saying that in his quest to be clever, he completely forgot the people that he loved and that loved him. Thinking that if he could just continue to pull together fast witty phrases, he would be clever enough that no one would pull him up short for his bratty behavior. He was wrong.
The leader of a women's group contacted the husbands or sweethearts of some of the women and asked them to write a letter of love and affirmation to their loved one. These were to be sent to the leader ahead of time, and the women would open their letters at the meeting. A few letters were read aloud, with touching sentiments of appreciation and devotion. But one woman's letter said, "You are more precious to me than a tree full of sparrows, more fun than a basketball, and I wouldn't trade you for a truckload of turkeys!" Clever? Maybe for fifth grade.
This happened awhile ago, but I ran across a video connected to another story. The comedy site is meant to appeal to college students—and maybe that's why I didn't find it hilarious. A prankster arranged to have a fake marriage proposal displayed on the JumboTron during a game at Yankee Stadium. The supposed husband-to-be and the young woman accompanying him were not amused. His bewilderment was real and so were the couple of slaps she gave him before she stomped off. People, perhaps especially women, take marriage proposals seriously and don't want it to be a joke in front of thousands of people. Was it really that funny? (Even the perpetrator said afterwards, "I'm feeling kind of bad.")
If you are the one trying to be clever, be very careful that your performance is not at the cost of someone else. If someone is hurting you by trying to be clever, tell them how you feel and ask them to stop.
If one's words have substance, they don't need to be surrounded with pretense.
Marjorie
Several incidents coming to my attention recently have reminded me of this. A singer/stand-up comedian made several insensitive, even vulgar, comments in an interview. Facing the ensuing firestorm, he apologized at length, very publicly, saying that in his quest to be clever, he completely forgot the people that he loved and that loved him. Thinking that if he could just continue to pull together fast witty phrases, he would be clever enough that no one would pull him up short for his bratty behavior. He was wrong.
The leader of a women's group contacted the husbands or sweethearts of some of the women and asked them to write a letter of love and affirmation to their loved one. These were to be sent to the leader ahead of time, and the women would open their letters at the meeting. A few letters were read aloud, with touching sentiments of appreciation and devotion. But one woman's letter said, "You are more precious to me than a tree full of sparrows, more fun than a basketball, and I wouldn't trade you for a truckload of turkeys!" Clever? Maybe for fifth grade.
This happened awhile ago, but I ran across a video connected to another story. The comedy site is meant to appeal to college students—and maybe that's why I didn't find it hilarious. A prankster arranged to have a fake marriage proposal displayed on the JumboTron during a game at Yankee Stadium. The supposed husband-to-be and the young woman accompanying him were not amused. His bewilderment was real and so were the couple of slaps she gave him before she stomped off. People, perhaps especially women, take marriage proposals seriously and don't want it to be a joke in front of thousands of people. Was it really that funny? (Even the perpetrator said afterwards, "I'm feeling kind of bad.")
If you are the one trying to be clever, be very careful that your performance is not at the cost of someone else. If someone is hurting you by trying to be clever, tell them how you feel and ask them to stop.
If one's words have substance, they don't need to be surrounded with pretense.
Marjorie
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Self-Denial
A blogger friend who is a Catholic has been writing about Lent which begins next week on Ash Wednesday. I had already been thinking about the self-denial aspect of the season. My worship tradition is not Catholic, but even so, for several years I have found it a profitable spiritual exercise to observe Lent by forgoing the enjoyment of some small pleasure. Even this little bit of self-denial is not required, but it reminds me specifically and regularly of the significance of the approaching Easter Sunday, and so it has been worthwhile. One year it was chocolate, another year, "dainty" food--that is, desserts and other delicacies. Other times, other things. As Lent approaches, I always wonder, "Shall I 'sacrifice' something for Lent? What shall it be?"
I was brought up short by a book I'm reading, an in-depth study of I Corinthians 13, the love chapter. The author, in his exposition on "Love does not seek its own," sees much so-called self-denial as mere disciplines taken on for one reason or another. They are a denial of things, and not a denial of the self at all. The blogger would undoubtedly agree: because if you say, "I'm giving up desserts for Lent—and besides I need to lose some weight," then you are not really fasting for a spiritual purpose. Only if it cuts into the self-life one would choose for personal gratification can it be called a sacrifice. As for giving up gossip or laziness, we should have laid those aside already, just on principle.
We don't see the Jesus presented in the Gospels giving up coffee or cream on His oatmeal or turning off His cell phone, had there been such things then. He gave His real self every day—talking to people when He was tired and hungry, giving children access to His time and His lap, repeating Kingdom precepts over and over to twelve fellows who just didn't get it. Not to mention dying.
All of this is not to say that self-denial means denying that one has, and is, a self. There are those who make a great issue of how unworthy and undeserving they are; they are just non-persons with no ordinary, human needs. They use none of their resources to care for themselves, not realizing that the day is going to come—sooner than God intended—when there is no longer anything left of themselves to give. Women, especially wives and mothers, may fall into that trap more readily than other folks; we have sometimes exalted their self-sacrifice to the point of idolatry. (Which makes it self-centered, after all.)
The Holy Supper is kept, indeed,
In whatso we share with another's need,--
Not that which we give, but what we share,--
For the gift without the giver is bare;
Who bestows himself with his alms feeds three,--
Himself, his hungering neighbor, and Me."
--James Russell Lowell, The Vision of Sir Launfal, 1848
Marjorie
The book I am reading is Love Within Limits: Realizing Selfless Love in a Selfish World by the late Lewis B. Smedes, a professor of Theology and Philosophy of Religion at Fuller Theological Seminary.
I was brought up short by a book I'm reading, an in-depth study of I Corinthians 13, the love chapter. The author, in his exposition on "Love does not seek its own," sees much so-called self-denial as mere disciplines taken on for one reason or another. They are a denial of things, and not a denial of the self at all. The blogger would undoubtedly agree: because if you say, "I'm giving up desserts for Lent—and besides I need to lose some weight," then you are not really fasting for a spiritual purpose. Only if it cuts into the self-life one would choose for personal gratification can it be called a sacrifice. As for giving up gossip or laziness, we should have laid those aside already, just on principle.
We don't see the Jesus presented in the Gospels giving up coffee or cream on His oatmeal or turning off His cell phone, had there been such things then. He gave His real self every day—talking to people when He was tired and hungry, giving children access to His time and His lap, repeating Kingdom precepts over and over to twelve fellows who just didn't get it. Not to mention dying.
All of this is not to say that self-denial means denying that one has, and is, a self. There are those who make a great issue of how unworthy and undeserving they are; they are just non-persons with no ordinary, human needs. They use none of their resources to care for themselves, not realizing that the day is going to come—sooner than God intended—when there is no longer anything left of themselves to give. Women, especially wives and mothers, may fall into that trap more readily than other folks; we have sometimes exalted their self-sacrifice to the point of idolatry. (Which makes it self-centered, after all.)
The Holy Supper is kept, indeed,
In whatso we share with another's need,--
Not that which we give, but what we share,--
For the gift without the giver is bare;
Who bestows himself with his alms feeds three,--
Himself, his hungering neighbor, and Me."
--James Russell Lowell, The Vision of Sir Launfal, 1848
Marjorie
The book I am reading is Love Within Limits: Realizing Selfless Love in a Selfish World by the late Lewis B. Smedes, a professor of Theology and Philosophy of Religion at Fuller Theological Seminary.
Friday, February 5, 2010
For Such a Time As This
For over a century, The Ladies Home Journal has had a strong influence on its readers, now numbering in the millions. The motto of the magazine for many of those years has been, "Never underestimate the power of a woman." What does that mean? That women are smarter and more capable than you might expect? That women aren't given credit for their strengths? That there's more to a woman than meets the eye? That a woman can do anything a man can do and some things that he cannot? The declaration is perhaps not as aggressive as it might seem, given that the slogan came into use in 1945. Probably it was intended to recognize the value of women's work in the war effort and the tough resilience they demonstrated by maintaining homes and businesses while their men were away in battle.
The motto reminds me of the story of Esther in the Bible. Although the king underestimated the young Jewish woman he took as his queen, her cousin Mordecai did not. The king had been tricked by an evil man into issuing the edict that would wipe out all the Jews in the Kingdom. Mordecai pleaded with Esther to go to the king and beg for action that would spare their people. She was hesitant, for anyone approaching the throne without being summoned could be executed. Mordecai sent the insistent message, "Don't think that just because you live in the king's house you're the one Jew who will get out of this alive. If you persist in staying silent at a time like this, help and deliverance will arrive for the Jews from someplace else; but you and your family will be wiped out. Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this." (Esther 4:13, 14) Esther obeyed, and changed the course of Jewish history.
Who knows what effect your own life can have on those around you? Don't underestimate your power, your influence, or your contribution to the Kingdom of God! He has placed you exactly where you are for just such a time as this, Why then, you may wonder, do I not see anything happening? Why does what I say and do not make any difference?
Oh, but it does! Fifty years ago, a scientist named Edward Lorenz was using a numerical computer model to make weather predictions. What he found was that an extremely tiny change in initial conditions, when they evolved exponentially over time, resulted in a completely different weather outcome. The slightest disturbance, say by the flapping wings of a gull or a butterfly, would eventually be amplified to such an extent that large-scale atmospheric motions were created and long-term weather behavior became impossible to predict. (So that explains why the local weatherman cannot always get it right!)
Lorenz's talk in 1972 before the American Association for the Advancement of Science was titled, "Predictability: Does the Flap of a Butterfly's Wings in Brazil Set off a Tornado in Texas?" A butterfly, of course, could not create the tornado in the sense of providing the energy for the wind. It does represent, though, an infinitesimal part of the initial conditions that resulted in a tornado, and without the flap, that particular tornado would not have existed in the form it did. Thus, Lorenz's "butterfly effect."
In the dynamic structure that is our life in a world with other people, can you see that our actions and words have a butterfly effect too? What we do or say, even as tiny as the flutter of butterfly wings, does have powerful significance. We may not see it immediately, or perhaps we never will. Nevertheless, it sets in motion changes that eventually matter. Don't underestimate your power as a woman. Who knows but that you may have come to the Kingdom for such a time as this?
Marjorie
Oh, but it does! Fifty years ago, a scientist named Edward Lorenz was using a numerical computer model to make weather predictions. What he found was that an extremely tiny change in initial conditions, when they evolved exponentially over time, resulted in a completely different weather outcome. The slightest disturbance, say by the flapping wings of a gull or a butterfly, would eventually be amplified to such an extent that large-scale atmospheric motions were created and long-term weather behavior became impossible to predict. (So that explains why the local weatherman cannot always get it right!)
Lorenz's talk in 1972 before the American Association for the Advancement of Science was titled, "Predictability: Does the Flap of a Butterfly's Wings in Brazil Set off a Tornado in Texas?" A butterfly, of course, could not create the tornado in the sense of providing the energy for the wind. It does represent, though, an infinitesimal part of the initial conditions that resulted in a tornado, and without the flap, that particular tornado would not have existed in the form it did. Thus, Lorenz's "butterfly effect."
In the dynamic structure that is our life in a world with other people, can you see that our actions and words have a butterfly effect too? What we do or say, even as tiny as the flutter of butterfly wings, does have powerful significance. We may not see it immediately, or perhaps we never will. Nevertheless, it sets in motion changes that eventually matter. Don't underestimate your power as a woman. Who knows but that you may have come to the Kingdom for such a time as this?
Marjorie
Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Information on the "butterfly effect" from http://www.cmp.caltech.edu/~mcc/chaos_new/Lorenz.html and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butterfly_effect
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butterfly_effect
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
"Yes, I Hear You"
I am writing today to women who are suffering great hardship. You have cried and prayed, but no answer has come. Yet.
You may have a son or daughter who has left home to pursue a life of excess; you may not even know where he or she is. You may have been deserted by the companion who promised to cherish you. Or perhaps you are being abused—physically, verbally, or emotionally—or you are witnessing the abuse of those you love. Your family might be among the many who have lost jobs, homes, and dignity. You may be facing devastating illness in your own or a loved one's life. Your heart may be broken by the death of someone very dear. You may have a past that haunts you.
In the book of Exodus, in the telling of a single story, God declares three times that He knows what is happening. The children of Israel, after the years of Joseph's favor with the king, were enslaved in Egypt. "Years passed, and the king of Egypt died. But the Israelites continued to groan under their burden of slavery. They cried out for help, and their cry rose up to God.
4 God heard their groaning,
4 and he remembered his covenant promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
4 He looked down on the people of Israel
4 and knew it was time to act. (Exodus 2:23-25)
Then the Lord told him [Moses],
4 “I have certainly seen the oppression of my people in Egypt.
4 I have heard their cries of distress because of their harsh slave drivers.
4 Yes, I am aware of their suffering.
4 So I have come down to rescue them from the power of the Egyptians
4 and lead them out of Egypt into their own fertile and spacious land . . . Look!
4 The cry of the people of Israel has reached me,
4 and I have seen how harshly the Egyptians abuse them. Now go, for
4 I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people Israel out of Egypt.” (Exodus 3:7-10)
Now go and call together all the elders of Israel. Tell them, "The Lord, the God of your ancestors—the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob—has appeared to me. He told me,
4 'I have been watching closely, and
4 I see how the Egyptians are treating you.
4 I have promised to rescue you from your oppression in Egypt.
4 I will lead you to a land flowing with milk and honey. . . ' " (Exodus 3:16, 17)
I cannot promise that your prodigal child will soon come home in repentance or that your husband will return or your abuser will die. I cannot say that money will suddenly appear, as if by magic. I cannot assure you that you or your loved one will recover from the illness that is draining away life itself. I cannot say that after your loss things will soon be "normal" again. I cannot promise that your sorrowful regrets will just go away.
But this I do know and can assure you: God has heard your cries of distress. He is aware of your suffering. He has been watching closely and when the time is right, He will come to rescue you.
Rescue did not happen overnight for the Israelites, and it did not even happen in a way that they relished so much! But God kept His covenant promise with them, and He will keep it with you too. The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them." (Psalm 91:14, 15)
Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Words of "Does Jesus Care?" from http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/Does_Jesus_Care/
You may have a son or daughter who has left home to pursue a life of excess; you may not even know where he or she is. You may have been deserted by the companion who promised to cherish you. Or perhaps you are being abused—physically, verbally, or emotionally—or you are witnessing the abuse of those you love. Your family might be among the many who have lost jobs, homes, and dignity. You may be facing devastating illness in your own or a loved one's life. Your heart may be broken by the death of someone very dear. You may have a past that haunts you.
In the book of Exodus, in the telling of a single story, God declares three times that He knows what is happening. The children of Israel, after the years of Joseph's favor with the king, were enslaved in Egypt. "Years passed, and the king of Egypt died. But the Israelites continued to groan under their burden of slavery. They cried out for help, and their cry rose up to God.
4 God heard their groaning,
4 and he remembered his covenant promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
4 He looked down on the people of Israel
4 and knew it was time to act. (Exodus 2:23-25)
Then the Lord told him [Moses],
4 “I have certainly seen the oppression of my people in Egypt.
4 I have heard their cries of distress because of their harsh slave drivers.
4 Yes, I am aware of their suffering.
4 So I have come down to rescue them from the power of the Egyptians
4 and lead them out of Egypt into their own fertile and spacious land . . . Look!
4 The cry of the people of Israel has reached me,
4 and I have seen how harshly the Egyptians abuse them. Now go, for
4 I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people Israel out of Egypt.” (Exodus 3:7-10)
Now go and call together all the elders of Israel. Tell them, "The Lord, the God of your ancestors—the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob—has appeared to me. He told me,
4 'I have been watching closely, and
4 I see how the Egyptians are treating you.
4 I have promised to rescue you from your oppression in Egypt.
4 I will lead you to a land flowing with milk and honey. . . ' " (Exodus 3:16, 17)
I cannot promise that your prodigal child will soon come home in repentance or that your husband will return or your abuser will die. I cannot say that money will suddenly appear, as if by magic. I cannot assure you that you or your loved one will recover from the illness that is draining away life itself. I cannot say that after your loss things will soon be "normal" again. I cannot promise that your sorrowful regrets will just go away.
But this I do know and can assure you: God has heard your cries of distress. He is aware of your suffering. He has been watching closely and when the time is right, He will come to rescue you.
Rescue did not happen overnight for the Israelites, and it did not even happen in a way that they relished so much! But God kept His covenant promise with them, and He will keep it with you too. The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them." (Psalm 91:14, 15)
Does Jesus care when my heart is painedMarjorie
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long?
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Refrain:
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
--Frank E. Graeff, 1901
Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Words of "Does Jesus Care?" from http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/Does_Jesus_Care/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)