I Will Not Hate

I ran across a book the other day written by a Palestinian physician who suffered catastrophic loss in 2009 when two shells from an Israeli tanker exploded in the room next to him, killing three of his daughters and a niece. Even though he is angry, he strives to act as a righteous man, demonstrating that feeling angry is not the same as hate. His book is entitled, I Shall Not Hate.

That moving declaration reminded me of an experience of my own, many years ago. The circumstances were far less horrendous, but the lesson remains the same. “I will not hate.”

While our baby daughter and I were happily bonding, her father was removing himself farther and farther away. He was absent, even when he was home. We did have some happy days, but mostly he withdrew because being a husband and father was just too hard, far more demanding than the fantasy family he had envisioned in his mind. He was not a mean man—immature and self-absorbed and neglectful, but not mean. After several years, knowing my unhappiness, he asked, “Would it be easier if I left?” then admitted that he did not have the ego strength to do that. In the end, I would have to choose.

I agonized whether to go or to stay. I have long since forgotten the title and author of a book I picked up and read during that crazy-making time of decision. The author related her own experience of schizophrenia and treatment for the illness. During her lengthy hospitalization, she developed a strong romantic attachment to another patient, but the relationship ended badly when she was well enough to return home. She became very bitter and angry, blaming everyone for this lost love. I'll never forget the counsel her doctor gave to her, for it guided me through the painful days ahead of me. “You must learn to say goodbye without hating.” I was determined to do that. I. Will. Do. That. Over and over, I pledged to myself, “If I have to say goodbye, I will say it without hating.”

Of course, no marriage succeeds or fails through the actions of only one of the partners, but it was an honorable thing for this man to say to me, “I am sorry. It was my fault.” I respect that. The words are still true that I said to him before I drove away, “Thank you for the good times. Because there were some good times.” I kept the promise I had made to myself: I said goodbye without hating.

Feelings come and go. Anger cools off, disappointment fades, desire burns low—unless we decide to nurture them. Then love becomes a choice, and hate becomes an act of the will. That is why the doctor-author can affirm, “I shall not hate.” That is why, during the times in my life when I have had to say a goodbye, God has helped me to say it without hating.

Marjorie

Taking an Interest in Others

I have talked with two women in the past week who had this to say about their past jobs:

First, “I'd been there full-time for seven years and part-time for three years, and I really wanted to do something else, but my husband wouldn't let me quit.”

Secondly, “My husband said if I started the training course to prepare for the job and didn't finish it, he would leave me,” and she was afraid to start.

If it's true, what a terrible thing for a husband to demand: “You can't quit. I won't let you.”

If it's true, what a terrible thing for a husband to threaten: “I'll leave you.”

I specifically say, “if it's true,” because it is possible that the first woman was justifying why she kept on working. It is even possible that the second woman was trying to explain away her fear of starting a different career.

Just suppose that what the first woman said isn't exactly how it happened. What a terrible thing for a woman to excuse herself by making her husband look like a tyrant.

Just suppose that what the second woman said isn't exactly how it happened. What a terrible thing for a woman to use her husband as justification for her own fear.

Either way, whatever happened, I know that's not how a good relationship should work. The Apostle Paul wrote, “Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” (Philippians 2:4, 5) I can't imagine Jesus not letting someone explore work opportunities. I can't imagine Him threatening. I think His followers would honor Him and one another by honest communication, consideration for others' hopes and fears, and willingness to negotiate.

Marjorie

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Resolutions for a Happy New Year

Isn't it interesting that our resolutions are usually made in regard to something we really don't want to do? It's as if resolving to do them is somehow going to make us do them. That is one reason resolutions don't work very well.

“I want to lose fifteen pounds.” No we don't—we want to have lost them! We want very little, or may even resist, the actual process of losing the weight. That may be one reason we find it so hard to keep that resolution!

“I will exercise more.” A good resolve, but a hazy one. Unless we have a plan—not hugely ambitious, but a certain workout, however mild or intense, at a definite time and place—it will be pretty difficult to stick to the vague intention.

“I won't be late to work any more.” Excellent! But if we are part of a busy household and drive to the job at rush hour, we are not always going to be in control. Maybe better would be, “I will do my very best to leave the house by such-and-such time.”

How about this? Resolve to do some of the things that enhance your well-being—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Not such difficult things that you get off track the first week in January; things you really want to do but may have been reluctant to give yourself that “permission.” Such as, “I will eat a piece of dark chocolate, just one, every day.” “I will smile in the mirror and tell myself something good about myself every day.” “I will work my favorite newspaper puzzle every week.” “I will read at least one uplifting book every month.”

Doesn't that sound like a HAPPY new year?

Marjorie

A Family Christmas

I have been away from this blog for awhile, tending to some other writing projects. I hope to be more attentive to the call of this work too, so keep checking back!

Merry Christmas! Yesterday, my supervisor at work was making the rounds of our department where there are many desks and work stations, greeting us with holiday wishes. After stopping at one desk, she asked us all, “How many in this room have family issues to deal with over the holidays?” A chorus of voices and raised hands answered in the affirmative. I did not, and thought again how grateful I am for a loving and supportive family. There will not be many expensive presents, but we'll not go away grumpy and disappointed! There will be plenty of warmth and love for everyone. There will not be a big dinner, but rather a plentiful “brunch” spread of simple food. (More sausage gravy, anyone? Another helping of fried apples?)

I have just returned from a Christmas Eve service, which I attended at 3 p. m. since I don't any longer drive after dark. I went to a church other than my own, so I was not sure what to expect. I came away with tears of emotion on my cheeks. A pianist played many traditional carols before the service began, and a rousing rendition of “Go Tell It on the Mountain” as were were dismissed! The prayers and singing were meaningful, and I participated in the communion service as well. The sanctuary has only one window, a large stained glass one behind the platform, so it was quite dark enough for the candle-lighting ceremony. All in all, it was a lovely Christmas celebration with the larger family of faith.

I realize the holidays may not be that easy for everyone. Some people dread the holidays because it will mean “pretending nice” to people they don't really like. Sometimes even the sounds and smells of Christmas are enough to bring back unhappy memories of occasions past. In either case, one cannot just turn off the “trigger” and not care that it was there to cause distress. Perhaps it would help to focus, not on a troubling situation or an unhappy memory, but on the simple fact that Christmas reminds us once again of the Savior who came into an earthly family to lead us out of darkness into His light.

Now I'm off to wrap gifts, and once in awhile I'll check Santa's travel progress on the NORAD site!

Marjorie

A Memorial and a Name

In long ago days, a harem-keeper or sometimes a chamberlain was an emasculated man. The Old Testament law excluded these "mutilated" men, and foreigners also, from service in high religious offices. Certainly their lament might have been, "I have no children, no one to carry on my name, no future." The prophet Isaiah, however, pronounced wonderful blessing for these who were lacking a position of privilege. Today, our access is no longer according to the narrow legal regulations of the former time, and everyone may enjoy spiritual blessing. Perhaps, though, those who have been disenfranchised by society's intolerance may have a particular right to appropriate these verses (which I've adapted a bit.)

“Don’t let foreigners who commit themselves to the LORD say, ‘The LORD will never let me be part of his people.’ And don’t let the [forgotten ones] say, ‘I’m a dried-up tree with no children and no future.’ For this is what the LORD says: I will bless those [lonely ones] who keep my Sabbath days holy and who choose to do what pleases me and commit their lives to me. I will give them—within the walls of my house—a memorial and a name far greater than sons and daughters could give. For the name I give them is an everlasting one. It will never disappear!" (Isaiah 56:3-5)

An inheritance of sons and daughters brings with it care and sometimes, along with delight, more than a little grief and shame. The blessings we receive from God, however, are not bitter. "The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow with it." (Proverbs 10:22) Spiritual blessings are far greater than having sons and daughters, as much as a person may desire them. Three things are gifts:

In the present, a welcome: No one, regardless of their position in life, should ever say, "I can't be one of God's people; I'm not good enough." Of course, no one is! We are redeemed, and we are made welcome by the worthiness of Christ our Lord.

For the past, acceptance and a memorial that reminds watching worlds that this child of God has been faithful and obedient through the most difficult of circumstances.

For the future, an everlasting name. John the Revelator wrote, "To everyone who is victorious . . . I [Christ] will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it." We cannot fathom what that means, but what a special treasure!

Never suppose, if life has passed you by in some way, that you are the loser for it. God has a way of restoring what has been lost or stolen.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004.  Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America.  All rights reserved.

Doing Change

I apologize to the psychologist-author-media personality ahead of time: But I just can't buy the idea of a "new husband by Friday" or "new kid" similarly. Oh yes, he's a humorist too--maybe that explains it.

Seriously, I'm sure there are good workable ideas for many wives and mothers in his books, but changing a man's attitude, behavior, and communication in five days? No, I don't think so. Maybe a new understanding, beginning to interact better, trying more demonstrate love in ways he understands. These are a start—and they begin not with the husband or kid, but with me or you.

And the kid? Yes, but actually the changes begin with mom. Take charge. Form deeper, more meaningful bonds with the children. Don't base discipline on threats and fear but on cause/effect. All of this takes some "smarts" and attention from the adult in the situation. So I was really glad to see the latest book: Have a New You by Friday: How to Accept Yourself, Boost Your Confidence & Change Your Life in 5 Days Now the emphasis is on the only person we can actually change—ourselves. I'm still not sure a new you can be developed in five days, but one can certainly get a boost.

And it can be any time—even today. You don't have to start on a Monday and get to a "new you" on a Friday! ☺

Marjorie

Responsibility

There are only two kinds of responsibility that we ordinarily face:

Mine and

      Not Mine.

Differentiating between the two can be a tricky proposition; we don't always know what is mine and what is not mine. However, our success as parents and employees, as citizens of our country and world, and as Christians depends on our ability to take our own responsibilities and let others (and God Himself) assume theirs.

For starters, here are some of My Responsibilities:

For the life I have now. Regardless of what my past held and how it formed me, I must take charge of how I respond to today's challenges. No matter who has influenced me and what events have developed my worldview, I am the only one who can, with God's help, grow into who I should be. That may involve change; nobody can do that for me, and even God won't do it without my cooperation!

For letting go of things I should not or cannot control. I can no longer manage the affairs of my child, now an adult, whom I once had to guide and direct. I cannot change the personality of the one with whom I find it difficult to get along. I can do but a little to change the way things are run in my church or my country; what I can do cheerfully and without force is mine to do, but fuming about the state of affairs does not accomplish anything.

For integrity. If I am specifically given accountability for tasks, situations, individuals or groups, I am to administer love with both mercy and justice as I myself would want to be treated.

For demonstrating reconciliation. This is the message of the Gospel, and I should reflect in my own relationships what God has for all who will accept His offer.

Not Mine.

What is yours before God.

Marjorie

Who Am I?

We often short-change ourselves by accepting an incomplete definition of "who am I?" We explain who we are by saying I'm Jake's wife or Bobby's mother, Susie's piano teacher or debate coach. We introduce ourselves by what we do: I am the president at BigStuff Productions, I am a CPA, I'm a pest exterminator. An unfortunate thing about such identity markers is that they don't last. How will the woman define herself when Jake is no longer in the picture, Bobby has grown up and left home, or she isn't able to give piano lessons any more? What happens when the company president or the CPA retires, and if pest control is done by huge municipal enterprises?

Sometimes, and often without realizing it, we define ourselves—especially to ourselves—by some experience in our past. "I am the adult child of an alcoholic," "I am the victim of a rape," "I was abused as a child," "I'm a divorcee," "I served time in prison," "I killed people during the war." It's completely understandable that circumstances like these would mark indelibly the one who experienced them. It's not wise or right to minimize the ensuing trauma; I clearly favor getting appropriate support services along with professional help as needed.

However, the sooner one can let go of the limited naming of oneself the better. "I am not that role or that job; it cannot define me. I am something even bigger and better." And the sooner one can let go of the negative naming of oneself the better. "I am not that experience. My divorce—my mother's alcoholism—my abuse—my crime does not define me. I am something other than, and more than, that trauma."

I am made in the image of God.
I am His child, redeemed by the Savior.
I am called by name, and tenderly led by the Great Shepherd.
I am choice in God's sight, the "apple of His eye."
I have an advocate in Jesus, someone who stands up for me.
I am part of the Body of Christ, placed there with purpose.
I have gifts to share, given by the Spirit of God.
I have eternity in my heart—now and forever.

Who am I? What defines me? Who God says I am.

Marjorie

Love Thinks No Evil

Not long ago I read again the story of the Amish schoolhouse killings in 2006, and marveled at the extraordinary forgiveness demonstrated by the community.

One of the fathers told his son "We mustn't think evil."  (King James scripture tells us that love thinks  no evil.)  What does that mean, I wondered? Maybe he really meant—and I have to admire it—"Don't judge the man who did this; don't dwell on it." At the same time, are we not to recognize that what this man did was a heinous crime? Are we not to think that his deeds—and the intentions he demonstrably had but did not carry out—were anything but evil? Should he not have to suffer consequences?  (Actually, he did take his own life.) This idea troubles me.

We sometimes take only Jesus' admonition, "Judge not" and omit the rest of what He said. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Matthew 7:1, 2 NIV) Jesus was aiming at hypocrites, those who would want "justice for you and mercy for me." He made it clear enough that we can spot those who falsely make claims by examining the fruit of their lives. When I go to the store, I can pick a good melon or pass by the bruised peaches. Yes, I am judging! In much the same way, I look for evidence of spiritual life and health. But a warning! My criteria for that "judgment" will certainly be used for my life also. As I judge others, I too will be judged by them.

"To the pure, all things are pure." I read once that this means those who think purely—clearly, without personal agenda—see things as they really are. I would hope that we can think straight enough to see that this terrible incident in the Amish community was "purely evil," entirely, wholly wrong. In that sense, we judge. We are not the ones who make a legal judgment; judges and juries do that. We do not make an eternal one; only God can do that. But let us not confuse "thinking no evil" with closing our eyes to terrible realities. Wrong is wrong, however you look at it. The option we have is choosing whether to take it into ourselves and let it fester or to maintain attention on what is true and noble and just. (See Philippians 5:8)

Marjorie

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

"My Bad"

Matt was accused of creating the problems in his domestic life, and right or wrong, he accepted the blame. Doing so, made him look like a bad person. But I know Matt, and I know he is not a bad person. So that caused me to start pondering—"Are blame for doing a bad thing and being bad really the same thing? Why do we mix them up?"

I grew up thinking they were much the same. Back then, if someone said, "It's your fault," I took that to mean, "Then you are a bad person." We had not yet come to saying as in today's vernacular, "My bad," meaning "I did something wrong, or foolish, or just by mistake." This admission does not carry the sense that I believe that I am a bad person or that you will think I am. And that is quite a good thing.

Good people and well-meaning people sometimes do bad things. Abraham lied, twice, about his relationship to his wife beautiful Sarah, pitting her at risk. King David dallied with a female subject and subsequently planned the murder of her husband. Peter adamantly refused to extend the Gospel past his own ethnicity. Paul's confessed that he, with his impeccable heritage, was the worst of all sinners.

These same individuals, repentant and redeemed, were not bad people. Abraham was known as a friend of God, and David was called a man after God's own heart. Peter accepted the Divine instruction that the Gospel was for Gentiles also. Paul declared at life's end, "I have kept the faith, and there's a crown for me." Obviously, admitting that "Yes, I am a sinner; yes, I have behaved like a sinner" does not make a person beyond the reach of grace.

A trick that Satan is fond of sung on Christians: the belief that they are irretrievably bad. Standing up to our responsibility, admitting "my bad," is very different from defeatedly bowing under constant blame heaped on by the devil or by unhappy people or even by our own hopeful selves. Instead, "I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels." (Isaiah 61:10)

What an exchange! My "badness" or fearful sense of "badness" for His goodness!

Marjorie

Scripture quotation taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

The Lifter of My Head

I remember acutely the day that a set of circumstances closed around me, and it became clear that I had made some serious errors. All unknowing, I had made unwise decisions on top of coerced actions on top of misguided trust, and that had led me to a deep, dark place. "I am so ashamed," I confessed to a friend. "I don't want to be around people. I don't want them to see me."

"You have done nothing wrong," the other assured me. "But still, it's okay to take a little break." Those words were most helpful, for what I needed was to understand that I did not have to bow to remorse and shame; in a few days when I met people again, I could hold my head up.

"Many are they who say of me, 'There is no help for him in God.' But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head." I cried to the LORD with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill." (Psalm 3:2-4 NKJV)

Shame, I think, is a common part of the human condition, at least ever since Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden. Only after disobeying God, they felt naked and defenseless. They were ashamed.

Our personal shame arises from many sources: From a shame-filled upbringing. From an uninformed or misguided conscience. From our own shortcomings, real or perceived. From an inability to handle objectively the opinions of others. But the difficult thing about shame is that I cannot do anything much to relieve it; guilt is handled by repentance and restitution, but shame is deeper than that. It strikes not at what I have done, but who I am.

That is what God changes—who I am. "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (II Corinthians 5:17 NLT) Shame, because we are Adam's race, is part of being human. It cannot really be evaded. But it can be healed by the One who is the "Lifter of My Head."

Marjorie

Scripture marked NKJV is taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Different Families

All of us grow up in different families, even if we are born to the same parents and live in the same house! My sister has told me, especially as I relate "Things Mama Taught Me" on my Finding the Faith Way blog, "You had different parents than I had. That's not the mother I knew."

When I was born, I was the baby girl who followed two boys. When my mother realized that she now had the daughter she wanted so much, she was convinced she would never be unhappy again. (Oh my! How naïve she was!) I realize now, as an adult, that my mother was thus confessing that there were times when she was, in fact, unhappy. Not just exasperated with a couple of rowdy boys, not just tired from a farm-wife's duties, not just worried about some things the household lacked—but unhappy. That makes me sad. My mother had an early ambition to be a nurse or a teacher. She graduated from high school, something not every girl did in those days. Did the role of wife and mother stifle the creative urge I am certain she possessed? I will never know. But of course, this woman at thirty-five was very different from the girl of nineteen.

Here are some of the ordinary things that make the same family "different". (I have left out the really awful things like death of a parent, abuse or abandonment, loss of the home, the unexpected and unwanted child, and so on.)

4Some family members are a good fit. They are at ease together, they understand each other, they like each other. Others are not such a good fit--you wouldn't select them as friends if you were doing the choosing! We sometimes say, "He is like a brother (or a father) to me." "She is the mother (or the sister) I did not have." This statement reveals our yearning for the ideal—often an impossible one—that our real father or mother, brother or sister did not, and indeed could not, meet. This idealistic idea of love is one reason that many a person grows up feeling unloved.

4Unloved does not necessarily mean deprived or neglected. It means just what it says, "not loved." The opposite of love is not always—as we've usually been taught—hate. The opposite of love is often apathy, another reason for being "unloved." Whatever the cause, some parents are unable to nurture their offspring emotionally. They are just too busy. Or they are oppressed financially. They know only one way to treat children: the way they themselves were treated. They are at odds with each other. They hate their jobs, or they don't have one at all. They don't like themselves, and they don't really like kids either, or at least not so many of them!

4Perceived differences can make children feel unloved. To them, "fair" means equal opportunity or the very same treatment. This isn't realistic. Children are not the same and have different needs; parents, because they are human, may—aware or not—show favoritism. (Yes, it does happen in good families. Look at Joseph's story in the Bible!) However, studies show that preferential treatment may not be for the person himself/herself since it often doesn't continue all through the child's development. The preference may be for the life stage of the child—as a darling infant or the adorable toddler or precocious five-year old. What sibling can process this accurately?

We shouldn't be too surprised that two people born to the same parents and raised in the same home do not think and feel and act the same. The very fact of each one's birth changed the dynamics and created a different family.

Marjorie

Information about the study I mentioned is from Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt authored by Peg Streep.

God Doesn't Waste His People

So tell me, Job, after all your pain,
Is God really fair or not?
"Fair's not the issue, rather, who is God?
And He never wastes His people."

Abram, going out—you knew not where—
To follow an uncertain call.
Surely you thought you'd missed the way?
"Yes, but God doesn't waste His people."

And Esther, weren't you a bit afraid
That God might not come through?
"Of course I feared, but in life or death,
God doesn't waste His people."

And you, stretched out upon your cross,
Cannot picture redemption's reach.
No, nor could our Lord Himself,
But God never wastes His people.

--MZC (for the B's)

This Is Not About You

Another difficult subject--

While serving as a church staff member, I personally visited with a number of women who experienced the trauma of discovering that their husband had an intimate sex life—albeit an illusionary one—apart from their marriage. The women were hurt. Unbelieving and tearful or "spittin' mad," they were devastated by what certainly felt to them like infidelity.

Pornography, in its many forms, is ubiquitous; its prevalence and its bold specificity are startling. Several of the men were caught up in this, but there were other sexual addictions too that had come to light. The men I refer to profess Christian faith; they are well-respected in their church communities. Even so, they had been lured into a fantasy world where sexual fulfillment held no commitment or responsibility. It seemed to have no consequences. And that is where they were mistaken.

I am not an expert on the diagnosis or treatment of sexual addictions, so I'll not go into that aspect of the problem. But, "What's wrong with me?" the women wondered. "Why am I not enough?" To other women who may be facing circumstances like theirs, I want to pass along a piece of wisdom I learned from one of the counselors. "This is not about you." You cannot be sweet enough, cute enough, glamorous enough to cure the situation because it's not about you. You may be feeling unworthy, terribly unlovely, and hopeless. You are not. You might work together as a couple with professionals who can assist you, but this is his problem and his choice whether to confront it honestly.

Don't forget—this is not about you.

Marjorie

Always Angry

Some people are always, always angry. Have you noticed? Have you wondered why? I have. I am not an expert in such things, but I've made some observations.

4 Some people are angry because they assume that they were born into this world for other people to make happy. That plan inevitably fails, but instead of creating their own happy selves, they take vengeance on those who did not do it for them.

4 Some people are angry because they can't find the OFF switch. They may have suffered injustices—who has not?—and have good cause to object to the unfair treatment they've received. But their basic sense of entitlement has fueled their fury to unreasonable proportions.

4 Some people are angry because it makes them feel strong. They get a "high" from rage-fueled adrenaline that is like a powerful drug in their system—and isn't illegal.

4 Some people are angry because others around them have failed to protect them from the consequences of their misbehavior. They expect to be made happy, remember?

4 Some people are angry because they have been exposed as mean, or fearful or just plain shallow. The truth is so painful that they act out a blustery denial, believing that no one will then see the person they really are.

4 Some people are angry because they have learned to use aggressive behavior as a tool to get what they want or to avoid getting what they don't want.

Anger is a complicated emotion. Some scholarly folk say it is a basic emotion, while others say it is the secondary response to hurt, frustration, or fear. It helps me to know that the people around me who seem angry all the time are most likely not angry at me!

What observations have you made?

Marjorie

Home Schooling

The modern home-schooling movement began in the seventies and eighties when parents and some educators began to question the wisdom of the conventional education system. Long before that, however, before there were compulsory attendance laws, children learned at home the basics of growing and gathering food, caring for livestock, using tools, and making clothing. When they could be spared from house and field, they might spend brief periods under the tutelage of a parent or older sibling or a young woman in the community (single, of course) who knew readin', 'ritin', and 'rithmetic.

Whether we attended a public school or a private one, or whether we were taught by a tutor or parent at home, almost all of us have had "home-schooling." From early centuries until the present, we've been home-schooled in many things besides the three R's. (Only a few children have virtually raised themselves, like Topsy in Uncle Tom's Cabin who just "growed.") We learned the value of hard work—or not. We learned to respect the rights of others—or not. We learned honesty, loyalty, and faith in God—or not. We may have learned that there is money for booze but not shoes. We may have learned that crime does indeed pay—at least, in the short term. We may have learned that adults get their way by yelling, that a murmur of protest earns a smack in the face, and that no reason at all may bring on enraged blows. We may have learned that children don't count and, in particular, that girls don't count. We may have learned that the name of God precedes curses that make us feel small and weak and unloved.

Some things must be un-learned. Is there some word that you consistently find it difficult to spell because you did not learn it correctly in the first place? Do you split infinitives or dangle participles because no one taught you not to? (We also are not supposed to end sentences with prepositions, did you notice?) Are there certain number combinations that tend to trip you? Then you will find that you must pay attention to un-learning those mistaken lessons.

The same may be true of "home schooling." Not everything we learned from our elders is right just because they said so. Not everything is best practice just because it is what they did. Now that we are adults, making choices of our own, we must decide if what we learned back then is true and right. Is honesty really the best—or perhaps only—policy? Do nice guys, and girls, always finish last? Am I significant? Can people be trusted? Can God?

Where do we find the truth?

1. First of all, in what God says about us and how He says to live, described for us in the Scriptures. And then—not in order of their importance, which only the learner can determine—other places may be:
2. People whose lives demonstrate purpose and meaning, who know how to make relationships work—listening to them, asking questions.
3. Information sources such as books, articles, and recorded presentations.
4. Personal consultation/counseling which serve to give insight.
   

This is probably no longer "home" schooling. It is "advanced education" from which we never graduate.

Fortunately!

Marjorie

Live by What You Know

It's disheartening to be dismissed or rejected by people we do not know well, but we may feel a whole range of greater emotion if we are betrayed by someone we trusted: anger, disappointment, self-pity, even revenge. David expresses all of these in Psalm 55, written probably under the persecution of Saul and his adherents or when his own son Absalom conspired against him. "It is not an enemy who taunts me—I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God. Let death stalk my enemies; let the grave swallow them alive, for evil makes its home within them." (verses 55:12-15)

But listen as David replies to himself. "But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, though many still oppose me. God, who has ruled forever, will hear me and humble them." (12-19)

Again he complains, "As for my companion, he betrayed his friends; he broke his promises. His words are as smooth as butter, but in his heart is war. His words are as soothing as lotion, but underneath are daggers!" And again, he assures and comforts himself, "Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." (20-22)

In many ways, David's experiences forecast those of the Lord Himself. He came unto His own and His own received Him not, the Scripture explains, and says further that He is (not just was, long ago) despised and rejected of men. Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests to arrange to betray Jesus to them. They were glad see him when they heard why he had come, and promised to give him money for his ugly deed. He began then to plan for an opportunity to betray Jesus. Worst of all, Jesus endured feeling abandoned and cried from the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Yet, at the very last, in spite of violence to body and soul, He acknowledged the presence of His Father by saying, "Into Thy hands I commend my spirit."

David had to live by what he knew rather than by what he could see or what he felt. Jesus had to live by what He knew rather than by what He could see or what He felt. When we feel hounded by circumstances, betrayed by people, perhaps even disappointed in ourselves, we are called to meet the challenge: Live by what you know, not by what you can see or what you feel.

Marjorie

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

A Little Bit Mad

Carefully, carefully, I'm going to write today about staying a little bit mad. I don't want you to misunderstand me and think that I am advocating living in a state of angry agitation. By using "mad" instead of "angry," although it's non-standard English, perhaps you will better understand my intent. One can be a little bit mad, I think, and not be furious, full of rage, and—dare I say it?—without sinning. I propose that to our own advantage, sometimes we need to stay a little bit mad.

When we have been mistreated, we need at some point, to let go of the need to retaliate. That is the Christian thing to do, and the healthy thing to do. Some would teach us that when you have truly forgiven an offense, you should also forget it. You may. But again, you may not. You may stay a little bit mad.

Some experiences are not easily forgotten, and indeed should not be, for we then proceed with a sense of caution that we did not have before. Some injuries propel us into advocacy for others who suffer similar indignities. Some show us where we have allowed others to take advantage of us. Some teach us that, following great personal harm, we can regain our balance and discover, "There is life after—" whatever.

I would never recommend to you the "mad" that is constantly simmering, that keeps you fearful or self-pitying, and that disturbs the peace of God that is to rule in our hearts. But that little bit of mad can be the energy that causes you to focus on what is good and right in your relationships. Without the determination that comes with a little "mad," it is easy to avoid the growth that is needed to become a whole and healthy Christian woman.

Marjorie

Accepting Reality

Accepting something does not necessarily mean we welcome it or even like it now that it's here. Acceptance means we stop trying to change what is. (Can you stand to hear one more person say, "It is what it is"? However, that is often the truth about the situation—it simply is.)

Some of us are cautious when it comes to acceptance. We are afraid it might mean pretending things don't matter. It does not. And neither does it mean becoming hardened to people and their problems—or refusing to recognize that we too have needs and problems. Accepting reality does not mean we are weak, apt to be a pushover for anyone who would take advantage of us. You can't push a rope.

Accepting reality means, among other things, that we stop trying to change situations that cannot be changed. This would include things already in the past. In our more rational moments, we know that we cannot change what has already taken place; we cannot make something "un-happen." Still, in our minds, we go over and over the situation as though fussing with it once more will surely yield a different outcome this time. Our energy should be poured instead into working with the present situation to transform it into what it ought to be, here and now. Take advice from "Mother Goose," apparently a very wise old lady. A rhyme from the seventeenth century says,

For every ailment under the sun
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it;
If there be none, never mind it.

Other situations cannot be changed because we do not have control over other people's attitudes and actions. Accepting reality means we release the idea that we do possess that power. (I'm not suggesting that we give up on socializing our children and others for whom we are responsible, but even there, we are limited.) We cannot make another person change. We have to accept that they are the way they are. We may not like or approve of their behavior and we may encourage change, but we cannot make them do so. Force does not work. Other people too are like a rope that cannot be pushed!

The Serenity Prayer is the common name given to some lines, written perhaps as early as 1934 and originally untitled, attributed to the theologian Reinhold Niebuhr.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

These modern writers are only echoing what Jesus said:

4"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

4"If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."

4"I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can't take him in because it doesn't have eyes to see him, doesn't know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!" (John 16:33; Matthew 5:15, 16; John 14:16, 17)

Marjorie

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

But He Never Hit Me

Again, because of its relevance to women, I am publishing an entry which appeared previously on "Finding the Faith Way, January 8, 2009.

I am deeply troubled by the uneasiness I perceive when some women are with the men to whom they are attached by law or by love. Some of them I know well, and they are not these same cautious individuals when they are “on their own.” Others I see only as I shop or work on the job or attend church, but their discomfort is obvious even in public. I have to wonder if he is beating her—not with his fists, but with words and actions and attitudes that bruise her inner person.

The preferred form of abuse used by "good" men, even Christian men, seems to be whatever doesn't show. So they are unlikely to knock out a woman’s teeth or give her a black eye since that would be too obvious. And they certainly don’t want her calling the police or going to the emergency room. But all the same, many women in churched homes are repeatedly subjected to other forms of abuse: verbal attacks, emotional wounds, financial tyrrany, demeaning sexual behavior. "But he never hit me," does not make it okay.

►Some women do not recognize these actions as abuse. “Abuse” means bruises and broken bones and blood—doesn’t it? “Abuse” is something that happens in other homes not influenced by God and the Church—isn’t it? Many women brought up in the first half of the twentieth century believed that they must be subject to their husbands (and deferential to all males, for that matter) for much the same reason that Europeans accepted the “Divine Right of Kings” hundreds of years ago: "The right to rule comes directly from God, and the ruler is accountable to Him alone.” If these women have had religious instruction that is extremely conservative, they may be especially susceptible to abuse, believing they must learn to accept this mistreatment as “God’s will” for them. It is not.

►Other women accept abuse because it corroborates what they deeply feel they are worth. They may have felt their inadequacy as little girls who did not have the same acceptance and opportunities as boys. Perhaps the women they saw as role models were quiet and servile in relation to the men around them. These girls may have experienced shame as they matured into desirable young women and someone they trusted took advantage of them. With their self-esteem already damaged, they are open to believing they must learn to accept mistreatment as what they “deserve.” They do not.

►Still other women accept abuse because they grew up trusting others to be as kind and helpful as they themselves are. They are caught off-guard by someone who sees their good nature as a point of weakness and now uses it selfishly or even cruelly. The usual marriage counseling is unlikely to “fix” the problem; probably both parties will need to seek professional help from someone experienced in dealing with abusers—and with those who tolerate it. “But he loves me, and he will change.” Probably he will not.

A pattern of hurtful words and actions, even in a Christian home, can constitute abuse. The abuser does not call it that since he may think, “I’m just putting her in her place,” or “I am ruling over my household,” or “She is supposed to submit to me.” And sadly, the victim may not call it abuse either, convinced that, “If I object, he’ll be angry,” or “I don’t really have anything to say because he is the head of the home,” or “I know wives are supposed to be submissive to their husbands.” This is a distorted view of the Biblical injunction to submit to one another. Because the man usually is the stronger physically, probably is capable of more volume, and may have more experience in positions of authority, he imposes his own will on the wife he is commanded to love as Christ loves the Church. Her wishes and well-being are not considered or respected on the basis of the authority he supposes has been assigned to him. He chooses to believe a few selected portions of Scripture to the exclusion of all the rest of New Testament teaching.

One should not suppose that because the abuse does not directly injure the body that it causes no physical harm. Ask the woman who cannot concentrate, who is constantly on guard or is “jumpy” and easily startled. Ask the one who stares at the ceiling instead of sleeping, who has disturbing dreams when she does drift off. Ask the one who has chest pains or stomachaches at the end of every work day (when it’s time for her to go home or for him to come home). No physical harm? Her body may be saying, “I am going to tell you in no uncertain terms that something is wrong.”

In 490 BC, the Greek historian Herodotus described an Athenian solider who had not suffered personal battle injury but became permanently blind after witnessing the death of a fellow soldier. In our own history, we have spoken of "shell shock" or "battle fatigue" associated with war. Today we would call that post-traumatic stress disorder, a term coined in the mid-seventies and now recognized as a diagnosable condition, often needing treatment. A number of practitioners include not only single traumatic events as the precursor of PTSD but also prolonged, repeated, significant stressors. This is not to equate the “battle” at home with the mortal danger of warfare; I simply call attention to the fact that serious physical harm can also result from well-aimed verbal missiles.

Even though “He never hit me.”

Marjorie